Original subtitles

(Lock clicks)

(Phone rings)

The stuffs here all right. Let me know if there's any sign of the opposition.

(Camera shutter clicks)

(Footsteps approaching)

- 'Penman?' - What? What is it? Someone coming?

No.

It was nothing.

No one coming.

No one.

(Gunshot)

(Gunshot)

(Gunshot)

Melville!

Why?

Why didn't you warn me?

Seven.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. My game, I think.

Steed, you've just won the last 20 games.

Yes, I have, haven't I?

- It's not that I don't trust you. - Of course not.

It's just that I think such good fortune ought to be shared.

Of course.

- (Phone rings) - Excuse me.

Yes?

Oh, Mother! Yes, right away.

Very sorry. I've got to go.

- (Tara) Mother, eh? - Yes, I might have guessed.

- Why's that? - It's Mother's Day!

It's Mother's Day.

(Door closes)

- Sorry. Full up. - What do you mean "full up"?

(Bell dings)

Room for one more?

Could we dispense with the jokes this morning, thank you, Steed?

Ah, Rhonda, I'll have one of those.

I'm very sorry. Trouble in Botswana.

Trouble in abdomen. Too many oysters.

(Phone rings)

Lai ka ho la ho lakitao.

Ilya to ho to ho lakitao. Lakitao!

(Hangs up)

I'm surrounded by incompetence.

In general or in particular?

Both, that's why I have to involve you in a case that a child of two

could have sewn up in half an hour.

- Well, who's the fly in your ointment? - Melville.

Melville? I thought he was your ... your blue-eyed boy.

- He was. - What happened?

I wish I knew.

Since he started work on the Edgefield case, it's become a nightmare.

Departments losing agents and I'm losing sleep.

What's the Edgefield case?

Three months ago, Sir Joseph asked us to compile a dossier on Lord Edgefield.

Our investigations have confirmed

that he has a long record of extortion and blackmail.

Mostly directed against Security and Foreign Service personnel.

Now we have a witness prepared to give evidence against him,

but we needed conclusive proof.

- And you assigned Melville to get it? - Yes.

A perfectly straightforward operation, I should have thought.

So far the balance sheet reads: gains, nil; losses, two men.

Last night I sent him out again and if past experience is anything to go by,

he'll return empty-handed and alone.

He was working with a partner?

- Oh, naturally. - Who?

(Mother) Penman.

(Doorbell rings)

Penman.

Penman?

Look outside.

In dustbin.

And ... warn Steed ... Mother.

Warn them about what?

Melville.

(Pants)

Melville ... Traitor.

There's something very odd about this case, Steed.

- You're taking Melville off it? - No.

- Why not? - Work together. Finish the job.

- And at the same time ... - Keep an eye on him.

Both eyes, Steed.

(Bell dings)

- Well, any luck? - No.

- No photographs? - Nothing.

- No book? - Wasn't there.

- Where's Penman? - He's gone home.

Is he all right?

As far as I know.

- Good we've still got Plummer. - Who's Plummer?

The star witness. It looks as if we'll have to depend entirely on him.

Sir Joseph's called a meeting this morning with Lord Edgefield and Plummer at 11:30,

in which the whole case will be reviewed.

The whole case resting on the evidence of one man.

Precisely. You'd better get over there and look after him.

- His market value's just risen 100%. - Right.

Oh, and Steed, take Melville with you. He's expecting you both.

(Door buzzer sounds)

(Barks)

(Glass clinking)

(Dog yaps)

(Steed) Plummer! Plummer!

(Door buzzer sounds)

- What's happened? - Someone in my kitchen.

Frightened him off. Disappeared down the fire escape.

Maybe he thought you kept your jewellery on ice. Anything missing?

- Not as far as I can see. - Anything that shouldn't be here?

- No. - Except this.

What's the matter with it?

Plucky, but from the wrong side of the hill.

(Melville) Thanks. (Steed) Milk, Plummer?

(Plummer) Yes, please.

(Steed) I gather you've had personal experience

of the way that Edgefield operates.

That's one way of putting it. He was responsible for my brother's suicide.

Can you prove it?

Jack told me what Edgefield said to him,

and I have his cancelled cheques for the year before he died.

- What do they show? - Blackmail.

He paid Edgefield a total of £10,000 over that period.

- What department did he work in? - Security. Missile Division.

- Then the question is ... - What else did he give him?

Mm.

Makes it even more urgent to get Edgefield behind bars.

Don't worry. Won't be long now.

You're certain the case is now watertight, Steed? No loopholes?

Those cheques speak for themselves.

Only if there were no legitimate reason for their payment.

There wasn't. Plummer's brother told him that Edgefield was blackmailing him.

Good. Good. That makes it pretty conclusive.

Now, we shall want you to be as specific as possible, Mr Plummer.

Don't leave him room to manoeuvre.

We want the exact dates ... Oh, he's here already.

I'm making a recording of this historic interview.

- (Knock on door) - Come in!

Lord Edgefield, Sir Joseph.

Well, well, well. The vultures are gathering it seems.

- Morning, Edgefield. Mr Steed. - My lord.

Melville. Mr Plummer I believe you know.

Yes, indeed.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother, Plummer.

- Do sit down. - Thank you.

Before we begin, Sir Joseph, I should like to make one thing quite clear.

Damages for defamation of character in my case could be punitive.

Yes, I'm well aware of that.

However, I am assured that the charges about to be brought against you

can be substantiated.

Mr Plummer, I believe you attribute your brother's death

directly to the fact that he was being blackmailed by Lord Edgefield.

Now can you prove these allegations?

Mr Plummer ... would you tell us, please, in your own words, of course,

about the conversation you overheard between your brother and Lord Edgefield?

Come on. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Seems your little bird is reluctant to sing.

Were you or were you not present during that conversation?

No.

Ahem. Well, let me rephrase the question.

Have you any reason to believe that your brother's association with Lord Edgefield

was a contributory factor to his suicide?

This is outrageous. You're putting words into his mouth.

I am simply repeating what he said in his original statement.

Was Lord Edgefield responsible for your brother's death?

No.

Did you not at one time hold such an opinion?

No.

- But only an hour or so ago ... - Just a minute, Steed! Just a minute.

Am I to take it, then, that you have no charges to bring against Lord Edgefield?

No.

I take it I may go?

Yes.

Good day, gentlemen.

And you, Mr Plummer. You may go too.

Thank you, sir.

Spring cleaning?

You've got a visitor.

(Steed) Anyone I know?

I'm afraid so. Penman.

- When did he arrive? - Soon after you left.

- Did he say anything? - He told me to look in the dustbins.

- Which you've been doing. - Mm.

- What for? - That I suppose.

Interesting.

He said something else. He said I should warn you and Mother.

- What about? - That Melville's a traitor.

- He needn't have bothered. - Why?

It's self-evident. Melville said they didn't get the films.

Yet here they are.

- Now this is an unexpected development. - Underexposed.

Two possibilities. Either he didn't know that Penman got the photographs.

Or it's a deliberate lie to turn the Edgefield interview into a fiasco.

We have to know which. There's one way to be sure.

You want me to partner Melville in an assignment.

At the same time, find out what he's up to.

Kill two birds ... with one stone.

Wrong number. It says "request stop". We're refusing your request.

This is asking for trouble, Mother.

We have to be certain. The security of the department's at stake.

And Steed's life.

He'll be all right. Forewarned is forearmed.

Not against a knife in the back. There must be another way.

- Can you think of one? - No.

Exactly.

Well, I still think it's an unnecessary risk.

- Take your mind off it. - How?

Pay Plummer a visit. Find out why he changed his testimony.

- All right. - And Tara ...

Yes, Mother?

I shouldn't worry too much about Steed.

He usually knows what he's up to.

(Yaps)

(Glass shatters)

Very clever. Seems you're a woman's best friend as well.

(Yaps)

Shh.

Now the trouble with you, Suzie, is you're a liar.

No reply.

(Phone rings)

- Yes? - (Steed) 'I'm in. Keep me posted.'

Right.

Melville, any sign of Edgefield yet?

No.

(Door closes)

- Melville? Everything still clear? - Yes.

(Lift whirrs and door opens)

- Put this away, Brayshaw. - Very good, sir.

Thank you.

Melville!

Get out.

Huh. What did you do that for?

For services not rendered.

What do you mean?

Get up.

Why did you tell me that Edgefield hadn't come back when you knew he had?

- I didn't. - I asked if there was any sign of him.

- You said no. - I said yes.

You've been doing this for some time, haven't you?

What?

You've been feeding false information to your partners.

I have never given them false information in my life.

Three of them are dead.

They're not.

Get back in the car.

- Where are we going? - To Headquarters.

- Why? - To make a little test.

No need to be nervous, Mr Melville.

The lie detector test is mainly for the purpose of exonerating innocent people.

Let's get on with it then.

Quite.

Mother?

Were you telling the truth when you said you and Penman failed to get the photos?

Yes.

Were you telling the truth when you said that Penman wasn't hurt?

Yes.

Have you been feeding false information to fellow agents?

- No. - Well, all those answers were true.

Are you sure you haven't got your wires crossed?

I beg your pardon, Mr Steed?

- It is plugged in, isn't it? - Naturally.

Melville, did you deliberately give false information to Steed

whilst he was at Lord Edgefield's apartment?

Of course not.

- True. - Untrue.

Mr Steed, this machine is infallible. It's never made a mistake.

Well, there's always a first time. It is human.

Let us try a more direct approach, Steed.

Check the basic facts.

- Right. Melville? - Yes?

- Did you and I work together today? - No.

- (Mother) Well? - According to the machine, that was true.

As you suspected.

It seems that we've found our problem.

But not solved it.

Problem?

(Glass clinking)

(Engine revs)

Ah! The mountain comes to Muhammad.

- I beg your pardon? - Oh, merely a figure of speech.

- I take it you have something for me? - Yes.

- 5,000? - You're at liberty to count it.

I trust you. Noblesse oblige and all that.

- It worked like a dream. - Good.

- Always happy to give satisfaction. - But it's not enough.

We've arranged a regular delivery service.

I mean, this will only give me a temporary breathing space.

It won't be long before they come up with someone else to testify against me.

- We can't deliver all over London. - I'm aware of that.

What else do you suggest?

That we stop attacking the body and concentrate on the head.

I see. Sir Joseph.

That would be very expensive in view of the risk involved.

- How much? - Another 10,000.

Very well, but hurry. There isn't much time.

Special delivery, Lane. Sir Joseph Tarleton. Two pints, please.

Yes, sir.

(Knock on door)

Come in.

- Mr Steed, sir. - Ah!

- I'm sorry to disturb you, Sir Joseph. - That's all right. What's on your mind?

- These. - What are they?

Edgefield's records of payments received and from whom.

Hm ... Manna from heaven, eh?

Well, heaven helps those who help themselves.

Yes, precisely.

- Amanda, come in for a moment, please. - 'Yes, sir.'

If none of these men testify, we're back where we started.

- We've got nothing to lose. - Quite.

Amanda, I want the numbers of the people on this list, please. As soon as possible.

Yes, Sir Joseph.

Make yourself at home, Steed. This looks like being a long job.

- No luck? - Closed up like an oyster.

- How many left? - Three.

Mr Nesbitt? This is Joseph Tarleton.

Two months ago you made a very large payment to Lord Edgefield.

May I ask what that payment was for?

I see. Well, in that case would you care to come round and see me?

Immediately.

Thank you.

- Someone willing to testify? - We've got a bite.

Plummer was willing to testify.

Quite.

But this time nothing must go wrong.

I was going to come and see you anyway, Sir Joseph.

You should have come to see me as soon as Lord Edgefield approached you.

I realise that now.

It was just that he threatened to ... make public a past indiscretion.

Hm. Well, I'm not interested in your private life, Mr Nesbitt.

I'm interested in whether you're willing to give us a sworn statement.

- Yes. Yes, I am. - Good.

Do please sit down.

I suggest we go over the details before Lord Edgefield arrives.

Would you like a coffee?

Thank you.

- Steed? - Please.

- Amanda, coffee for three, please. - 'Yes, sir.'

(Door opens then closes)

(Door closes)

(Milk bubbles)

Worried about lack of vitamins?

Desperately. I'm just wasting away.

Then we must bring the roses back to your cheeks, mustn't we?

(Gasps)

Hey?

Hey!

(Groans)

Did she get away?

Yeah. But I shouldn't worry too much if I were you.

Why not?

She must have swallowed at least half a pint.

(Tyres screeching)

I said immediately, Lord Edgefield.

We now have a witness who's impervious to your threats.

- He's coming straight round. - Good.

- Well, it should be plain sailing now. - Should be.

I must confess I'm looking forward to this.

(Phone rings)

- (Tara) 'Sir Joseph?' - Oh, yes, Miss King?

This is very unimportant!

Don't bother me now then. I'm rather busy.

- 'I don't want to warn you.' - I beg your pardon?

Whatever you do, don't be careful.

Look, you're wasting my time, Miss King.

Sir Joseph?

Miss King. Most extraordinary.

- What did she say? - She didn't say.

Well, now, shall we have some coffee while we're waiting?

Black or with milk, Mr Nesbitt?

(Knock on door)

(Sir Joseph) Come in.

Lord Edgefield.

Sir Joseph, I hope for your sake this horse doesn't let you down.

I think you'll find he's champing at the bit.

- He's not under starter's orders yet. - Oh, quite so.

Perhaps you would care to reaffirm your intention to testify, Mr Nesbitt?

- (Nesbitt) Certainly. - Do please begin.

Lord Edgefield first came to my office on 9th May.

He told me that unless I put certain documents at his disposal,

he would reveal a past indiscretion to the authorities.

- You gave him those documents? - Yes.

Since that time, under the same threat, I paid him a sum of money every month.

(Steed) How much did that amount to? (Nesbitt) Approximately £5,000.

That tallies with the entries in Edgefield's notebook.

Well, guilty or not guilty, Sir Joseph?

- Not guilty. - This is conclusive proof!

I disagree. It's completely inconclusive.

Sir Joseph, we've got him where we want him.

I repeat, this evidence proves nothing.

Don't you want to obtain a conviction?

No.

Lord Edgefield is the most incorrupt, irreproachable man in the country.

An idealist. A philanthropist.

A paragon of virtue!

- Then I take it the interview is over? - Of course.

Good day, gentleman.

(Gurgling)

- Return of the prodigal. - No!

Well, return of the thrifty.

No.

- Hm! - Why the enigmatic phone call?

I phoned no one.

You called Sir Joseph! I was there!

No!

Where did you go?

Steed ...

Tara King's gone to visit Steed, sir.

No worry. She can't do much harm.

- But just to be on the safe side ... - 'Yes, sir?'

... deliver Steed two pints.

Right away, sir.

(Vehicle approaching)

- A milk float. Mean something to you? - No!

- What's the matter? - Nothing!

Now look here.

- What does the milk float mean to you? - Nothing!

- Was it the man driving it? - Nothing!

- Have you ever seen him before? - No!

Then why did you behave in that manner?

(Door closes)

"The milk is harmless."

(Doorbell rings)

Melville! Just the man.

- Just the man to what? - Illuminate my darkness.

Steed, Penman's dead.

- I know. - Why? I gave him plenty of warning.

- Are you sure? - What do you mean?

Only you saw someone come into the garage when Penman was there.

Yes, the chauffeur.

- And you warned Penman immediately? - Of course!

You don't think I'm responsible for his death?

- Tell me something, Melville. - What?

You take milk in your coffee?

Yes, usually.

In future, I'd take it black.

(Glass shatters)

(Grunts)

Well ... if it isn't Miss King again.

Analyse it? What do you expect to find in it?

- The key. - To what?

- Three deaths. - Well, it looks perfectly harmless to me.

- That's the whole idea. - Gould.

(She whistles)

Yes, Mother?

Have this analysed. I want the report in half an hour.

- Three deaths you say? - So far.

And what do you mean by that?

We'll be lucky if we don't get a fourth.

You see, I'm not alone. I have the whole place surrounded.

My dear Miss King, you have such appealing eyes.

If I didn't know you'd drunk our special milk, I'd be inclined to believe you.

(Whistles)

Check the door.

Nothing.

Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, Miss King.

Or would it?

- Sloman? - Yeah?

Put her in the butter machine.

(Mother) The analysis report doesn't tell us very much.

Colourless liquid extracted from milk

in some form of hallucinatory drug defying analysis.

Hallucinatory drug.

- Suppose ... - It had the effect of inverting the truth?

Mm-hm. Now Nesbitt and I had black coffee. Sir Joseph, white.

- And Plummer? - He drank his while he was shaving.

Changed his testimony.

And Tara tried to warn Sir Joseph.

But she couldn't.

So she warned me.

- Dreamy Cream Dairies. - What on earth is that?

That was the name on the milk float. Tara must've gone there.

- I suggest you do the same. - Milk. Ho!

(Horn toots)

Comfortable?

Have you got anything like air conditioning?

I shouldn't worry. You'll be cooling off in a moment.

I've sent for Steed. He should be here soon.

- I'm afraid I don't believe you. - Why?

For the simple reason that you're unable to tell him. The lie drug saw to that.

Lie drug?

A little invention of my own.

It neutralises the faculty that distinguishes the true from the false.

And as you may have guessed ...

- It's not in the milk. - That's right. It's in the milk.

- Simple, but effective. - No.

A distillation designed to eliminate the George Washington syndrome.

- I don't see! - I thought you would.

So I'm afraid it's highly unlikely that Steed will be coming to your rescue.

(Screams)

Of course, now that Lord Edgefield's affairs are so happily resolved,

we shall move on to higher things.

I need hardly point out the chaos my drug would cause

if one or two key members of a National Security system were to take it.

Complete organisation.

Such a weapon would be worth a great deal of money, don't you think?

- No. - I knew you'd agree with me.

You'll appreciate we can't allow anyone to stand in our way now, Miss King.

So I've devised a rather unusual death for you.

(Tara) Thank you!

Sykes?

Sykes?

Ah! I thought we'd have a little celebration.

Splendid idea. All go according to plan?

Like clockwork. My worries are over.

So are ours. Let's drink to a trouble-free future.

- To a successful association. - To a formidable partnership.

- Heh, heh. - The first of many.

(Edgefield) Cheers.

(Sykes) Cold enough? (Edgefield) Very refreshing.

Any chance of buying some shares in your enterprise?

I'm afraid not. We're a limited company.

Pity. I've accumulated a lot of capital in the last few years.

And this seems like an ideal home for it.

We've no shortage of capital, I assure you.

When our foreign branches are fully operative,

we shall have unparalleled resources.

(Sloman) The envy of the commercial world.

(Sykes) And the scourge of the rest of it.

(Sloman) And all because of a colourless liquid.

Just think of the unsuspecting fools waiting to lap it up.

(Edgefield chuckles)

Perhaps Lord Edgefield would like to see our milkmaid.

- Your what? - Drink up and come with me.

I'll show you how we deal company spies.

Sounds most intriguing.

Poetic justice don't you think?

A triumph of ingenuity. I congratulate you.

That cream could curdle.

Never count your chickens before they ... hatch!

This is where your chickens come home to roost, Mr Steed.

I hope you like our little coop.

It's a great coop. Aren't we mixing our metaphors?

Hardly worth the trip, was it?

Especially as Miss King doesn't wish to be rescued, do you, Miss King?

No!

Damsel seems to revel in her distress.

(Vat whirrs)

- Sloman? - Yes?

- Any sign of Steed? - Yes, he's over there.

What do you mean "over there"? I'm over there!

No, you're not. I am.

- Sloman? - What?

- You're not lying. - Nor are you.

Steed! He didn't doctor our drinks.

- I can see him, can't you? - He mustn't be by the butter machine.

- Yes, I haven't looked there. - He mustn't be by the milk vat.

- Yes, I'm not over there now. - Well, where isn't he?

I'm not right behind you!

Mmm. Salted.

Steed! I really do hate you.

(Door slams shut)

Steed?

What are you doing?

My Great Aunt Emily, she used to save up silver paper.

Ended up with five tons of the stuff.

Before she went off with the scrap metal dealer. The one with the big moustache.

- Is there a point to this story? - There is a moral.

Waste not, want not. All this butter, seemed a pity to waste it.

- What, then? An endless picnic? - Sandwiches.

- What, now? What about the celebration? - Celebration?

- You haven't forgotten? - Yes.

- You said you'd take me out to dinner. - No!

- Oh, you promised. - Never.

I even bought a new outfit especially.

- You didn't? - I did!

I say, do you like it?

No.

What? Well, what's wrong with it?

Everything.

Everything about it is delightful. I cannot tell a lie.

The table is booked, the carriage awaits and you look ravishing.

And this?

Oh, that ... That's for itinerant cats.