Original subtitles

(Radio bleeps)

- Come in. - (Man) 'Wilson?'

- Sir? - 'Anything happened your end?'

- Not a sign, sir. - 'It's gone 12.'

I know, sir.

'Our information stated that one of their men'

'had a rendezvous in this area at 12.'

- Yes, sir. - 'To pass on something vital.'

'That's what we heard. Are you sure you've seen no one?'

- Only an old lady on a bicycle, sir. - 'What?'

Went past a few moments ago, sir.

- 'You fool! Get after her, man!' - Yes, sir.

(Rotors whirring)

(Motorbike engine revs)

(Clanking)

- Got your message, Mother. - Came as soon as we could.

A very important ... job you said.

Very. An agent was killed this morning.

- Ours? - Theirs.

Point is, he was carrying copies of the most top-secret codes.

Codes only available at Cypher HQ.

- Then it'll be a very important job. - Vital.

Biggest job in months.

As you say ... pity we won't be handling it.

(Steed and Tara) What?

The Minister feels that it's time that MI12 were ... blooded, so to speak,

so he's put the whole matter in their lap.

I'm sorry and all that sort of thing.

Can I drop you somewhere?

The Employment Bureau?

So MI12 are hot foot and panting at the leash.

Oh, yes. They've got their man Jarret at Cypher Headquarters already.

(Tyres screeching)

(Phone rings)

(Clock chimes)

Hello, Masters. What kind of a day has it been?

A usual Monday, Miss.

Routine and boring.

Nobody trying to steal the secret papers.

Just routine and boring.

So, the Minister had to call us in after all. It's a feather in our caps.

- Definitely. - A whole Indian headdress.

It's also a darned nuisance.

MI12 losing one of their men?

Having the audacity to ask us to find him?

Roger Jarret.

- How long has he been missing? - 24 hours. That's MI12 for you.

Complete panic. Typical of them.

Terrible preoccupation with gimmicks and gadgets.

I said that no gadget will ever take place of a man.

Or woman.

Where does the trail start?

- Jarret's apartment. - And end?

Cypher HQ. Jarret was supposed to be there all day yesterday.

- I'll take Jarret's apartment. - And I'll go and brush up on my cyphers.

Excuse me, Mr Webster. Mr Steed to see you.

Oh, send him in.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

I suppose the Ministry told you to expect me?

Yes, but I didn't understand what it was about.

It's just routine. We want to pin-point the time that Jarret left here yesterday.

Jarret?

I've never seen this man before.

This might mean something.

"With all my love, Yvette."

"With all" means urgent. "Love," crash priority.

And Yvette is our man in Paris.

You actually go in for that sort of thing at MI12?

Very careless of Jarret. This should have been destroyed.

I've finished in the bedroom, Ferret. And a few prints of the bathroom.

All right, Peters. Cover the area around that table and the door.

- (Camera shutter clicks) - For the collection.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Well, Mr Jarret's certainly an elusive chap.

A requisite of the profession, Miss King.

I thought all agents were supposed to leave hundreds of clues behind them.

- Which is exactly what Roger Jarret did. - Oh?

The bottle of milk in the kitchen is sour. The dregs in this cup, mouldy.

The shaving brush in the bathroom, dry.

Each one a clue, Miss King,

proving he hasn't been in this flat for two days.

I can say quite definitely that Roger Jarret left here on Sunday.

I'm afraid not.

I beg your pardon?

(Tara sighs)

It seems Mr Jarret didn't leave at all.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Well, either Jarret disappeared on his way here or ...

Or he arrives here and I didn't see him?

That's extremely unlikely. As Director of this HQ I'm aware of everything here.

Heh. All the same.

You may check with my staff if you wish.

Myra, this is John Steed.

- How do you do? - Hello.

Myra records all departures and arrivals at this department.

Hm, handsome, but not really my type.

Have you ever seen that man before, Myra?

No.

Who is he anyway?

Jarret. He was supposed to have arrived here yesterday on a spot security check.

In that case, I certainly would remember him, if I'd seen him.

Well, perhaps you were out to lunch when he arrived.

That's possible! Oh, but certainly not yesterday. I didn't go out to lunch.

- The weather was against me. - Oh.

Satisfied, Mr Steed?

We are very proud of our security here.

People do not just wander in and out unnoticed.

Your Mr Jarret was never here.

- The weather. - Weather?

Myra ... She said she didn't go to lunch because the weather was against her.

Now why should she say that?

Obviously that it rained heavily yesterday.

Rained? Did it?

Mr Steed, I appreciate your concern, but it's quite clear I'm unable to help you.

And I am rather busy!

Of course.

Oh, while I'm here, your security arrangements.

Er, an establishment like this, well, it's responsible for all top-secret codes.

We tend to worry, old chap.

You've already seen our perimeter

and every filing cabinet out there is wired to an alarm.

- And should they fail, the master alarm. - Oh.

(Alarm rings)

Just testing, gentlemen. Just testing.

Er, very impressive, Mr Webster.

(Alarm continues to ring)

Very impressive.

Oh, come along, Peters.

That always was his bad side. I don't suppose we can ...

- No, you cannot! - Hm.

Now, Miss King, if we can make a list of his personal possessions.

Certainly, sir.

- In duplicate. - Quite.

Personal possessions.

Combs, one.

High-frequency resonators, one.

Special issue.

Tie clips, one.

Microphones, one.

- Wallet? - Sorry. Survival kit. K issue.

I'll bet that's not a cigarette case.

.22 automatic pistol with twin magazines and self-loader.

You open it to fire.

(Tara sighs)

A hand-operated short-range grenade.

Hard luck. It's his despatch case.

- Astonishing. - Oh, I don't know. Twist the top.

No, I mean, astonishing that Mr Jarret should have all these marvellous gadgets

and still disappear.

April 1st.

How very odd.

Well, what was so special about yesterday?

His death.

Hm ... But why the page of a calendar?

(Camera shutter clicks)

Maskin to Control.

They seem to have found something.

- (Man 2) 'Can you make out what it is?' - It looks like ... a page from a calendar.

- 'Anything more?' - No, it seems quite ordinary.

(Car approaching)

There's a car coming. I'll call you back.

Most annoying. The one thing that could help us is missing.

- What's that? - His cigarette lighter.

I don't see how that's going to help us.

By taking pictures.

Oh, but of course.

You mean the single lens reflex automatic magazine load cigarette lighter!

- Absolutely. - With the built-in light meter.

No smoker should be without one.

Hm, it's Jarret's all right. Was there a film?

Yes, I had it developed.

But I really ... can't see why he bothered.

Then he did go to Cypher HQ.

The camera cannot lie. Which is more than can be said for the Director.

- Webster? - Mm.

He swore on every civil service manual that he'd never laid eyes on Jarret.

Impossible! Webster had a triple-star clearance. He can't lie!

He can't lie? I'm delighted to hear that.

How come I found this on his desk?

Then someone else took it there.

Wait a minute. The calendar is the same page.

This is most disturbing.

Every code we use comes from Cypher HQ. If there's a leakage there ...

- These aren't right. - (Steed) What aren't?

Photographs. No point to them.

Why should Jarret go to the trouble of taking sneak pictures of these scenes?

- Why, indeed? - To prove he was there perhaps.

But why bother? Unless he knew he wasn't going to get out.

Let's spend a bit of time with these. Blow them up on the projector.

- All right. We're about finished here. - Right.

There's still the problem of finding Jarret.

We didn't tell him, did we?

Tell me what?

- Jarret. - Yes?

You're sitting on him.

(Engine revs)

- He's got the photographs with him, sir. - That's handy.

(Clicks fingers)

Er, Steed. Peters here.

I was right. Those photographs.

(Window frame taps)

(Gunshots)

(Steed) 'Peters? Hello? Peters?'

(Rattling)

This is how they did it.

Foresight. It's not every assassin who carries his own ladder.

(Tara) And in broad daylight.

(Steed) They get away with a lot in broad daylight.

Especially murder.

Yes. It's a pity Peters didn't have time to tell me what he'd found out.

Well, what about the photographs?

Ah ... a trifle over-exposed I'd say.

Oh. Well, at least we know what he wanted.

And what they didn't find.

- I still have the negative. - Oh, then we can make more prints.

Precisely. Tara will you join me in my dark room?

- Etchings. - Bromide papers.

Going down.

Fresh from the bromide.

And not a clue in sight.

There must be one somewhere.

- Ah ... - Look. That van.

(Steed) "Classy Glass Cleaning."

Ah, window cleaners.

We've known stranger methods of cover.

Yes, I'm glad you brought that up. Cover. First, Jarret. Now, Peters.

The whole of MI12 will be in a panic.

(Chuckles) Oh, bad business.

- Very. - Dreadful.

No, that's why we're taking over. I'm sending someone into Cypher HQ.

- Undercover? - That's it.

Well, they know me already.

Ah. Splendid opportunity for you, my dear.

- Me? - Mm, you.

You start tomorrow. And you, Steed?

Will be having my windows cleaned.

- Gates all clear, sir. - Right. Masks on. Usual drill.

(Typewriters clicking)

- Have a light? - Mm.

(Intercom buzzes)

- (Webster) 'Miss King? Come in.' - Yes, sir.

Just a second.

Get me the Q Cypher file, please.

Give this to the guard.

Yes, sir.

Q file.

(Guard) Come along, Miss.

- (Operator) 'Number, please.' - Outside line.

Have you got a light?

Oh, sorry! I completely forgot.

(Phone line rings)

(Phone rings)

Good morning, sir. Lather's the name. Charles Lather.

John Steed, looking for a window cleaner.

Then look no further. At Classy Glass, the world is our window.

- Now, what did you have in mind? - Well, I ...

Anticlockwise, James. Always anticlockwise.

- Apprentices, they will try the easy way. - You can't be too careful.

Exactly. There are no shortcuts to the top of our ladder.

Here we really care about windows.

I'm delighted to hear it.

Beautiful, Wilson. Lovely touch with a leather.

But just a shade more wrist action, there's a good lad.

We only use the finest camel skins, you know.

- Camel skins? - Hold twice as much water.

Of course.

Now we can offer you three services.

Wash and dry, cream shampoo with a hot-air finish

and our full deluxe treatment

with leather glaze and crystal-clear finish.

Nothing but the best.

Splendid! I'll book you for our deluxe.

Now, approximately how many windows will require treatment.

Approximately ... one.

- One? - Ooh, it's a very beautiful window.

It's the family seat. Had to have the rest of them boarded up.

Boarded? You've boarded up your windows?

I know it's tragic, but it's death duties.

We've only got one room left.

Sorry, Mr Steed, but we owe a duty to our employees.

The sight of all those boarded windows ... Men have cracked under less.

Pity. It's just round the corner from one of your regular clients.

- Oh? - Yes, the Cypher Headquarters.

- I don't recall ... - The Ministry of Defence?

The Cypher Headquarters?

(Bucket clanks)

Oh, what are they on now?

Oh, bathroom windows. Eyes front, Wilson!

- Cypher Headquarters, you say? - Heh, heh.

Ah, of course I remember!

Double-glazed with moulded frame.

Ugh! Ghastly! But we haven't touched them for months.

Oh, we used to have the contract, yes, but gave it up. Uneconomic.

And besides, all that grey concrete, quite soul-destroying.

Oh, I see.

But if you ever decide to reopen your windows ...

If I ever decide to reopen, you shall be the first to know.

Anticlockwise, gentleman!

(Clanking)

(Tyres screeching)

(Tyres screeching)

(Glass shatters)

- (Operator) 'Number, please.' - Cypher HQ, Lessington, please.

'Sorry, sir. All lines are engaged.'

Well, then use the security line, 010.

'Hello, caller. I'm afraid the security line is out of order.'

I see. Thank you.

(Phone rings)

Mother speaking.

Mother? Steed. How quickly can you get someone round to Cypher HQ?

Well, I suppose I can get someone from MI12. Ferret, perhaps.

Good. Get them round there right away.

'Right. And what's all this about, Steed.'

I think someone needs to be there. Tara may need help.

- 'I'm tied up with a ladder.' - A ladder?

Yes, and I have a nasty feeling the other end is at Cypher HQ.

Steed, are you all right?

'Perfectly. Don't waste time, Mother.'

Ferret, I've got a job for you. Cypher HQ.

(Chain clinking)

(Gate closes)

Miss King?

(Grunts)

(Ferret falls to the floor)

(Clock chimes)

(Phone rings)

(Typewriters clicking)

Thanks, Tara.

That's all right.

Miss King, haven't you got that Q file yet?

I'm sorry, Mr Webster. I must have forgotten ...

That the time? It's almost five o'clock. Let me have it first thing in the morning.

(Phone rings)

Air conditioning! At last!

Compliments of Classy Glass, the people who really care about windows.

- So they are involved? - Well, I was expecting you to tell me.

- Weren't they here? - No.

- Odd. What time did Ferret leave you? - Ferret?

Well, he was here all this afternoon.

Steed, I've had a perfectly ordinary, perfectly boring day,

and if Mr Ferret had been in the building, I'd have seen him.

- No window cleaners? - None whatsoever.

They'd hardly clean the windows when it's been raining all day.

Raining?

Dry as a bone.

Steed, that's ridiculous. I'm sure it was raining.

But if it wasn't ...

Then I imagined it. But that's impossible.

- And yet ... - Yet?

You said Ferret went to Cypher HQ.

But he didn't get there or you'd have seen him.

- Yes. - You didn't see him, did you?

I don't think so.

Heh. You'd either know or you wouldn't.

I didn't see him.

And nothing unusual happened all day?

It was a perfectly ordinary, perfectly boring day.

Well, what's the next move?

- Late-night lurks. - Where?

Classy Glass Cleaning.

I suppose it could be a perfectly harmless company.

With a very lethal line in ladders.

You take that side.

Steed.

One of the tricks of the trade.

I told you he wasn't at Cypher HQ.

That's what they said about Jarret.

(Footsteps approaching)

- Time to take him home. - Right. Anything special?

Yes, put him in the bath, look like an accident.

Right. What about tomorrow? Is it still on?

Of course it is. Tomorrow's yesterday again.

(Engine starts)

(Switch clicks)

But how did they do it?

I was watching those cypher files all day and nothing happened.

- Except that it rained. - Yeah.

- And I forgot the Q file. - Hm?

Nothing. Except that I have the strangest feeling that today didn't happen at all.

Well, then tomorrow we'd better make certain.

You ring me every half hour. Whatever happens.

And if I stop?

I'll be with you ... post-haste.

Make sure you don't walk under any ladders.

(Typewriters clicking)

Good morning, Mr Webster. The Q file.

Oh, yes, yes. I must get on with it today. Ahem.

May I have your attention please?

I think I should tell you all now

that the output from our cypher and decoding department

has deteriorated remarkably during the past week.

Now while I realise the work is demanding and accuracy is vital,

there is simply no excuse for this present lack of effort.

I trust that you will all rectify this situation without delay.

Don't know why he's so upset. We've been working the same as always.

- Did it rain yesterday? - Of course.

And the day before?

Miserable. What's that got to do with it?

Nothing. I was just thinking. Heh.

(Phone line rings)

- Hello. Steed? - Oh, good morning. How's the weather?

- Changeable. - 'Splendid.'

It might be worth taking another look at those photographs.

Any particular reason?

Well, according to Mr Webster, "output has deteriorated remarkably".

I see. Well, we mustn't waste time in idle chatter. Backs to the wheel. Goodbye.

'Bye.'

(Phone rings)

Ten o'clock and all's well.

Any faces at the window?

- All clear. - (Webster) Miss King?

Personal calls are not allowed.

I'm sorry, Mr Webster. I didn't know.

Come in, please.

Certainly.

The line's blocked, sir.

Right. Harper and Lang, cover the road.

Davis and Waller, the trees at the back.

Same procedure as before?

Yes. Scare off any unwelcome visitors unless Steed shows his face.

- And then? - Put a bullet in it.

- All clear at the gate. - Right, masks on. Usual drill.

(Vehicle approaching)

I'll take care of the main entrance. Hit those ventilators fast.

(Typewriters clicking)

(Operator) 'I'm sorry, sir, but the line's out of order.'

We're OK now.

- Checked the tapes? - Yes, sir.

- Get moving then. - Right.

Get these files open. I want this job finished today.

(Man on tape) 'The time is 10:30 and it has just begun to rain.'

'It is a perfectly normal, perfectly ordinary day'

'and work continues as it would on any ordinary day.'

(Camera shutter clicks)

'It is 11:15. Raining quite heavily now.'

'But still a perfectly ordinary day.'

'It is a perfectly normal and ordinary day.'

'Raining quite heavily, but still a perfectly ordinary day.'

'Perfectly ordinary day.'

'A perfectly ordinary day.'

Fred? Fred!

(Grunts)

- How many more to go? - The last lot now, sir.

- The perfect operation. - Sandwich, sir?

- Oh, what have you got today? - Ham and chutney.

- No, thanks. Time to check our patients. - Right.

Steed!

With or without milk?

(Man on tape) 'It has been a perfectly normal day.'

Your turn, Steed!

(Groans)

(Man) 'It has been a perfectly normal day.'

'A perfectly normal day.'

'A normal day.'

(Glass shatters)

'It is now 3:35,'

'and it has been a perfectly normal, perfectly ordinary day.'

'In a little while, you will hear a bell.'

'Perhaps a telephone or a clock.'

'But at the sound of a bell, you will awaken with no memory ...'

(Locked door rattles)

(Banging on door)

(Bell rings)

- Oh, hello, Steed. - Busy day?

Hm, not really. Nothing unusual has happened.

Funny you should say that!

What happened?

You were asleep. Hypnotic gas.

There we are.

(Man) That'll be quite sufficient.

Mr Lather, I was wondering which window you'd drop into.

You've caused us a great deal of trouble,

but your mistake was in meeting us on our own ground.

Heh. Like Mr Ferret.

Heh! He died without even disturbing the office routine.

You see, that's the beauty of hypnotics. People only see what you want them to see.

Splendid idea! Climbing any window, nobody blinks an eye!

Exactly. Even when I pull this trigger ...

Sorry, old chap, you've forgotten the cardinal rule for window cleaners.

- What's that? - Never leave your ladder unattended.

They could use you in the fire brigade.

(Both chuckle)

(Tuts)

Just can't seem to do it.

Ah! Ha-ha, solved it! What were you saying?

Just that I didn't think I'd ever be a hypnotist.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. It's the simplest thing in the world.

But this part of it is highly elementary.

All you need is a superior mind.

- You can do it? Hypnotise people? - Well, of course.

Show me.

- Now? - Why not?

Good question.

As I can't think of a good answer, I'll go right ahead.

Now, Tara, I'm going to take you back

into the darkest recesses of your subconscious.

(Tara) Mm.

To experience again the long forgotten moments of childhood.

A tour of your mind.

- You're sitting comfortably? - Mm.

Concentrate on the watch.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

Slowly, slowly.

Your mind is beginning to empty of all cares.

Darkness, black as a raven's wing, is beginning to engulf you.

Your eyes are heavy.

You want to sleep.

You must sleep.

Deeply. Deeply.

Sleep ... sleep.

(Yawns)

Steed?

- Steed? - What is your command?

Stand up.

Now walk to the door.

Stop.

Now you're going to go downstairs and get into your car

and drive us into the country to our favourite restaurant

and buy a very expensive dinner for two.

- Who's paying? - I am.

I obey. Indubitably ...