Original subtitles

(Man on radio) 'You have ... unfortunately only one minute.'

(Engine revs)

'One minute starting ... now!'

(Tyres screeching)

(Crashing)

- Hello. - Hello, Tara.

A present?

No, I found it up against your door. It's got your name on it.

- Some unknown admirer. - Hm.

Snakes and Ladders. No note.

Someone's playing a game with you.

It's odd, though. Who would send me a game of Snakes and Ladders?

Very interesting, sir.

(Hisses)

I wonder if I might now serve tea, sir.

How about a game of Snakes and Ladders?

There's nothing I'd like more than a game of Snakes and Ladders.

Ah. Oh ... Thought you said there wasn't a note.

"Go immediately to the children's playground, Merton Park."

"What you gain on the roundabouts, you lose on the swings."

- Who was he? - Dexter. Clive Dexter.

- An old friend? - No, not really.

We were in the army. Haven't seen him for years.

- How did he die? - Snake bite.

Oh, it's not as mad as it sounds. He was a zoologist.

- Steed? - Mm-hm?

You're not telling me something.

Cooty Gibson. He was found dead last week.

- Coincidence? - Well, he was found in a field.

But his injuries show that he died in a car accident

and he was a racing car driver.

And the zoologist was killed by a snake bite.

- Two coincidences? - Three. Excuse me.

This was found on Cooty's person.

Check them for me at Jig Creations.

This is the Jigsaw Centre?

- The centre of the Jigsaw Universe. - And you're the manager?

The master. Royalty has walked through that door.

Well, I have a king-size problem.

- With your jiggy? - Yes.

You've nearly finished it and one of the pieces is missing?

Oh, worse. I've only a few pieces and I can't find the rest.

Yes, madam. A problem indeed.

Can you tell me what puzzle these pieces are from?

A few more pieces and I might be of some assistance.

Perhaps if madam were to search her home more diligently.

- Perhaps under the sofa. - I'll think about it.

Oh, dear. Rheumatism?

Training, madam. Training.

- Say, "Ready, steady, go." - Ready, steady, go.

Tell me, what do you do on long winter nights?

I ride a bicycle.

What else?

Thank you. You've been most helpful. Goodbye.

(Door slams shut)

No luck, I'm afraid. It was a pretty far-fetched idea.

What about you?

I've been checking army records.

I'm just trying to remind myself who else sewed with Cooty, Dexter and myself.

- When was it about? - It was towards the end of the war.

Well, units were coming in and out all the time.

So many names, so many faces. Now if only I could remember.

(Steed clicks fingers)

Averman! Hubert ... Horace.

- Henry? - Henry Averman.

- Was he one of the group? - Ah-ha.

Averman. Of course it was. ABC.

He served with me on several, oh, here we are, on several tribunals.

Now that must have been about the time that Dexter and Cooty were ...

"Henry J Averman."

That's the one. Henry J ... Averman.

I'll have to go and see him.

No use trying to phone him.

You probably have to book the call two weeks in advance.

(Phone rings)

(Phones ringing)

Hello? New York.

I want you to buy at fourteen and a half.

No, wait. 15,000.

I don't care what I said before. Buy!

Hello? Rome.

Yes.

You what?

And how did that happen?

Oh, Rome, that's very bad news.

You're fired.

(Phones ringing)

Hello, Cairo. Yes, Cairo.

You did what?

Tell me, what do I pay you for? Very well. Then do it.

Tell him to take fifteen ninety-five and not a ...

(Grunts)

(Phones ringing)

Cha-cha-cha.

(Doorbell rings)

Averman?

Averman?

(Yelps)

(Steed) Lots of ice.

- Right. Did you get a good look at him? - Just a glimpse.

- No one you knew? - Or would want to know.

What's that?

You said lots of ice.

- (Chuckles) I meant it for this. - Oh.

I wouldn't like that on my head. It'd freeze the brain cells.

Oh. Mm. Ooh ...

Now you sit down. What's wrong with you?

I'm worried. I've no idea where or what's happened to Averman.

(Man on radio) 'Ah, Mr Averman, you're coming round.'

'Good. Excellent.'

'Don't distress yourself, Mr Averman. Take your time. Take it easy.'

'Make sure you're fully recovered.'

'I don't want to play a game against an opponent'

'who lacks any of his faculties.'

'There'd be no joy in that.'

Game?

(Man) 'I must apologise for having to abduct you,'

'but you did turn down several invitations to dine with me.'

(Sighs)

Busy.

Busy man.

(Man) Busy and arrogant. You appear to be fully recovered now.

Shall we start the game?

My pills. I must have my pills.

(Man) 'You shall if you play the game according to your potential.'

'Your precious pills are contained within the graph in front of you.'

'One end of the graph is sealed. The other, that is the peak, is open.'

'The pills will be ejected as and when the market reaches peak.'

- 'You understand?' - I must have my pills!

(Man) 'The papers give you current stock market prices'

'and the teleprinter and the phones'

'will give you second-by-second changes in those prices.'

'You will buy or sell accordingly.'

'Your empire thus grows or crashes.'

'And you have four minutes starting now.'

(Phone rings)

'Four minutes, Mr Averman. Oh, perhaps I should have made it clear.'

'If you win the game, you'll walk from here a free man.'

'If you lose, your pills remain where they are.'

'With the resultant loss of your life.'

'Three minutes 32 seconds, Mr Averman.'

(Phones ringing)

Hello? Hello?

Buy Universal. Sell Dale Iron.

No, sell.

(Phones ringing)

Hello? Sell.

Sell.

Sell. And keep selling.

Hello. Option. Yes, take an option and hold.

Hold. Yes.

Sell. Sell, sell! And keep selling!

No, wait a minute! Wait!

Buy! Buy! Buy! No, sell. Sell!

S... Sell!

Sell.

Sell.

S... Se...

Sell.

(Dialling tone)

Oh, dear. I'm afraid the strain was too much for him.

I see. Well, keep checking.

Nobody's seen neither hide nor hair of Averman. He's disappeared into thin air.

"What you lost on the swings, you'll lose on the roundabouts."

So far it's mostly sky, a few trees and a house.

I think.

Well, a building of some kind anyway.

Gibson, then Dexter. Now Averman.

It's always the same. Pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

The same puzzle.

A deliberate clue.

- From the victims. - Or the killer.

Three men. No present connection.

Except those jigsaw pieces.

- Which takes us into the past. - And into the army.

(Gunfire)

(Explosions)

(Whistles blowing)

Steed! It is Steed, isn't it?

So you remember, Brigadier?

May I introduce Miss Tara King? Brigadier Wishforth-Brown.

- Delighted. - Hello.

(Blows whistle) To what do I owe the pleasure?

- Just thought we'd drop in. - But I thought for a minute ...

(Blows whistle) ... the enemy was putting up some sort of diversional attack.

You never tell nowadays. Down!

(Explosion)

- Who are the enemy? - Me.

Or rather the Second Battalion, which is me, if you follow my meaning.

Overall command. The secret of a successful exercise.

Even if both sides belong to you.

Absolutely, my dear lady.

(Blows whistle)

- Would you care for some tea? - (Steed) Thank you.

(Brown) Even in war, one must observe the formalities.

(Explosions)

Well, Steed, I haven't seen you since ... Now when was it?

The last reunion. What brings you here?

- Gibson, Dexter and Averman. - Oh, yes.

Or perhaps you'd know them as Captain Gibson and Dexter and Major Averman.

- Old comrades, eh? - Then you do remember them.

No, the only chappie indelibly printed on my memory is Steed here.

That mainly on account of that incident with the Colonel's daughter at Montaigne.

(Chuckles)

Well, what's the connection? This Dexter, Gibson and Averman chappie.

- What's it all about? - They're dead.

Oh, damn. One lump or two?

We wondered if you remembered anyone who served with them during the war.

That's a bit tough, seeing that I don't remember them.

- But you could think about it. - Yes, I could.

Now, if you'll forgive me, I really must take that hill by 5:30.

(Blows whistle)

- But I'll think about it. - We'll call on you later this evening.

Not tonight. Pressing dinner engagement.

- Tomorrow? - Dawn. Over by the bunker.

Now I really must take that hill.

Charge!

(Explosions)

I thought he already had that hill.

Don't dash off. Finish your tea.

(Gunfire)

Brigadier Wishforth-Brown. I'm expected.

Indeed you are, sir. May I take your hat and stick?

This way, sir.

(Butler) Brigadier Wishforth-Brown, sir.

My dear Brigadier, how nice of you to come.

Awfully nice of you to ask me.

Well, I thought we might dine immediately and savour a brandy and cigar at leisure.

Sounds fine, fine. I'm game for anything.

Game for anything. Heh. Yes!

(Both chuckle)

- Steed? - Hm?

- Steed! - (Gasps) What's wrong?

We said we'd meet the Brigadier at dawn and it's almost dawn now.

Dawn? It's only midnight.

You don't mean my anti-magnetic, shockproof, waterproof,

chronometer-timed watch has ... stopped?

- I'll make some coffee. - I'll make the coffee.

Midnight? The Brigadier won't have started his first brandy by now.

- Superb meal. - (Bristow) Thank you.

Absolutely first-class.

I don't mind telling you that when your invitation first came,

right out of the blue,

I said to myself, "What does a chap like that want messing about"

"with a rough old soldier laddie like me, eh?"

(Both chuckle)

I am by nature something of a recluse.

Although I make a point of keeping in touch

with various aspects of the outside world,

it prevents my mind from becoming closed.

Broad horizons, broad base. Good thinking.

Thank you.

- But now we relax. - Jolly good.

Might I suggest a little game?

Purely recreational.

An hour or so of friendly competition.

Absolutely delighted, old boy.

Ah, Battle Stations!

A reasonable choice for the professional soldier, don't you think?

Right up my jolly old Strasse.

Now, with your particular capabilities,

your chances of winning must be, what, evens?

- Playing for money, are we? - Money? Oh, no. No, not money.

Evens, Brigadier. That's very fair.

- Even you must agree that's very fair. - I ...

Must fairer than, say, 6-1 against.

- That's what you gave me! - Gave you?

Me. No, it wasn't Monty Bristow then of course. I had another name.

Quite another name.

Who am I, Brigadier, hm?

Don't you recognise me?

6-1 against. 6-1!

You can't be serious?

(Bristow on radio) 'Deadly serious, Brigadier.'

But it's preposterous.

(Bristow) 'Dexter. Gibson and Averman shared your view. At first.'

Dexter? Gibson? Averman? You mean the ...?

Aye. But we're wasting time. I've explained the rules.

The prime objective is for you to take the hill.

'It will be a test of skill and strategy.'

And you have ... unfortunately only one minute.

One minute, Brigadier.

Starting ...

... now!

(Explosions and gunfire)

Steady, steady, steady.

(Explosions)

Aagh!

Boom, boom, boom!

Boom, boom, boom! Boom!

Boom, boom, boom! Ah!

Excellent. Excellent! He's really entering into the spirit of the thing.

- The best to date, sir. - Yes! Yes!

(Gunfire)

I won! I won!

(Over radio) 'I've beaten you! Beaten you at your own game, you hear?'

I think not, Brigadier.

'A splendid effort, but ... I think not.'

Fault me, then. Where did I go wrong?

'You failed to scout out the land. That hill straight ahead.'

- 'You overlooked your enemy's artillery.' - I can't see it.

Move a little to your left, then.

'That's it.'

(Trumpet salute)

- Tara? - Hm ...

Tara, my Aunt Emily's battered brassy ancient alarm clock with one hand missing

tells me that dawn approaches.

Oh.

So it's time we kept our appointment with the Brigadier!

Almost halfway there.

- We're sunk without more pieces. - Ah-ha.

Well, why don't we try this?

Sergeant Daniel Edmund.

Now he was court-martialled in 1946 in Germany

for playing the black market.

He was tried by six officers, four of whom are now dead.

- Gibson, Dexter ... - Averman and Wishforth-Brown.

So Edmund is the link. Where's he now?

Missing. Believed killed while trying to escape from detention 15 years ago.

- Believed killed? - That's what I thought.

You said there were six officers at the court-martial.

I've located Professor ex-Major Witney.

- Professor? Shall I wear my gym slip? - I would if I were you.

- I'm looking for Professor Witney. - Shh.

(Mouths) That one.

(Student speaks Greek)

He's not here. Greek.

- Ah. - Have you any idea where he is?

(Speaks Greek)

In London. You don't know exactly where?

(Speaks Greek)

He has a dinner engagement. Back tomorrow.

Thank you.

It's really marvellous the way he speaks Greek.

- Like a native. - So fluid.

- He has a distinct advantage. - What?

He is Greek. It's English he's studying.

Get a list of all the scholastic organisations in the country.

Right.

Professor Witney's dining with someone. Let's hope it's his academical colleagues.

You said there were six members of the court-martial.

- That's right. - Well, Witney's only number five.

- Right again. - Think we should look for the last one?

I already know. May I speak to the headmaster, please?

- You already know? - For some time.

- Right, I'll wait. - Well, who is it?

Me. Yes, I'm number six on the list.

Oh, good afternoon. I'm trying to trace Professor Witney.

Is he by any chance dining with you tonight?

Well, can you tell me where he might be dining?

(Bristow) A glass of brandy? (Witney) Oh, yes, please.

- (Bristow) Cigar? - No, thank you. I have my pipe.

Thank you.

You know, I envy you, Professor.

- Oh, surely not. - Mm.

Scholar, the man of letters, the mind ...

I wouldn't go so far as to say that.

Tell me, Professor, do we shape our destinies?

Or does destiny shape us?

The fault, dear Bristow ... Brutus, lies not in our stars ...

But in ourselves.

I wonder.

Take me for example. Did I create myself or did others create me?

I am what I am, yes?

Yes. I would've thought you were an excellent example of the self-made man.

Excuse me. Some lecture notes. Terrible memory.

There again we differ. I have a vivid memory.

Extremely vivid.

Yes, you ... you mentioned a game earlier on.

Your memory is improving, Professor.

Yes, I like to choose the game according to my opponent.

You are a literary man. What better than a word-making game?

- Something amusing? - No, no. I was just thinking.

You were thinking that such a game will be child's play to a man like yourself.

Not such child's play, Professor. Or should I say, "Major Witney"?

The luck of the game, old chap.

Isn't that what that fool Averman said? "The luck of the game"?

Averman? Er ...

Yes, I knew an Averman once.

- The army. - Yes, well, he played my game.

- But unfortunately luck wasn't with him. - Averman?

Game ...

No, no. Professor Witney.

Yes. Agh! Oh?

Oh, he isn't in? I see. Well, thank you.

I've tried every number I can think of. No Professor Witney.

Tara, is it really necessary to build up these defences?

You're number six on the list and you're a very valuable and unique commodity.

And you must be very well looked after.

You're mad. And I'm not playing your silly game!

(Bristow on radio) 'Oh, but you are, Major. To my rules.'

'Observe the letters above you.'

'Seven letters to make a word of not less than six letters.'

There is also a time limit.

Hm. Two minutes.

'With the control you will find in front of you,

'you can rearrange the letters to your choice.'

Two minutes, Major Witney.

Two minutes starting ... now.

'Er, no, you're not seeing things. The ceiling is descending.'

'It will continue to do so until you find the key word.'

'Find it and the ceiling will stop.'

One minute 45.

'Ah, good! You decided to enter into the spirit of the game. Excellent!'

I ... can't think. I ... can't think.

'Nonsense, Major. It's child's play, remember.'

Uh ...

Ah, very interesting, Major. I can see a word shaping up already.

Stop it, will you? I can't think!

I can't think!

Yes, indeed. A very appropriate word, Major.

Because your time is up!

(Crashing)

"Boys and girls come out to play, Witney's dead ..."

"l-lip-hip-hooray."

Sir?

Steed. John Steed.

Yes, sir.

You know the bait to use?

Yes, sir. I know her.

Brigadier Averman. Witney.

Now there's just Steed.

Well, it's all a game, really.

Thing is, are we the players ...

... or are we the pawns?

Any luck with army records?

Question, when is a puzzle not a puzzle?

When it's complete.

(Groans)

The lady is accommodated, sir.

Everything is coming to a most satisfactory conclusion.

(Gun clicks)

Now there's only one.

John Steed.

Tara?

- Someone must've made it? - It is not in my records.

- Well, couldn't you check it again? - No need, sir. I assure you.

I know every jiggy produced in this country. In the world.

This one I have never seen before. Therefore it doesn't exist.

Would you have another look at it?

As I've already said ... One moment.

What?

This house. I recognise it.

The Jiggy Convention of '64. This is where it was held.

One of our leading manufacturers.

That's it. This is the residence of Mr Bristow, the Games King.

(Door closes)

I'm glad you were able to find us with such alacrity.

- You were expecting me? - Naturally. Miss King is waiting for you.

Oh, good.

Very pleasant weather for the time of the year, sir.

My dear Steed! Won't you let my man take your hat?

I wouldn't like to put him to all that trouble.

- Of course you've met before. - Of course.

- Anyway, glad you came. - I couldn't resist it.

I made sure of that. Let me introduce myself.

Daniel Edmund. Sergeant Edmund.

Bristow, actually. Monty Bristow.

Oh, you've changed your name as well as your face.

Ah, but let me reassure you.

Underneath, the mind ticks on in just the same way.

- Heh. Where's Miss King? - Perfectly safe.

Under glass, in fact.

A drink for Major Steed.

- I'll get it. - Oh, you don't trust me.

Go ahead. Help yourself by all means.

Soda, sir?

Thank you.

- Well, cheers. - Cheers.

Not too much trouble finding your way here I hope.

Not too much trouble.

Without my help, you wouldn't have had a clue.

I felt that you were pointing the way.

- I wanted you to be last. - Well, thank you.

Of course I could've put all my eggs in one basket.

I could've eliminated all six of you like that.

But then I thought, "No. I'll do it their way."

"I'll play a little game with them, just as they played with me."

- You were guilty. - True.

You were caught and paid the penalty. Or should have paid the penalty.

You know, I'm grateful to you.

If I hadn't met the six of you, I wouldn't be where I am today.

- Hm. Where's Miss King? - Patience.

- More whisky, sir? - Thank you.

Mm-hm, your concern for Miss King is splendid. Absolutely splendid!

There's room for cautious optimism, sir.

Yes. If you want her, you must win her.

A game, Steed. You and I are going to play a little game.

I'm playing no ...

No game.

(Bristow ) A-ha! Well, my dear fellow, you already are!

A 5-1 chance against your choosing the drugged decanter.

Fair, would you say?

Of course, I was gambling on your choosing the brandy.

Our game has begun, Steed.

The others played for their lives.

Whereas you and your profession, your life is cheap.

You set no store by it.

But Miss King ...

Let's just hope her life means a little more to you.

Six.

'You're in luck, Major Steed. A six.'

You have six minutes in which to win or lose

our game of Super Secret Agent.

An appropriate choice, don't you think?

'I devised the game myself.'

'It's not particularly complex,'

'but it calls upon all the qualities required of a secret agent.'

'Courage, strategy, a certain degree of animal cunning.'

'And of course embodied in the game'

'is that traditional element of all spy sagas ...'

'... the damsel in distress.'

'Six minutes, Steed. The game has started.'

Six minutes before Miss King suffocates.

'Six minutes before the sand fills the lower glass.'

'Miss King can be reached, but only after you have played the game.'

After you have surmounted certain obstacles.

Well done.

- Bravo. - Well played.

'You've earned the reward.'

Problem two.

'The safe contains a bomb.'

'When I activate it, you will have 60 seconds to open the safe'

'and throw the diffusing switch.'

60 seconds.

Starting ... now.

(Timer ticks)

12 seconds, Major Steed.

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two,

one, zero!

Sir ...

- Hm? - The reward, sir.

What?

It is the rule of the game, sir.

(Bristow sighs)

(Bristow) 'Major Steed, your reward awaits you.'

'Come and collect your reward.'

'You now have a gun, Steed, but you still need something to put in it.'

Of your selective powers.

Six doors, Major Steed.

'One is harmless, but the other five ...'

(Gunshots)

- Very clever. - Very.

Shut up.

'Another reward, Major Steed.'

'Oh, yes, empty for the moment, but you're nearing the end of the game.'

'Don't forget what awaits you.'

This way, Major Steed.

Ah! This time we have him! This time!

He's got further than anyone, sir.

The game isn't over yet.

'The hardest part of the course, Steed.'

Six assailants at six-second intervals.

'Six bullets, but only one is live.'

Cheat! You cheated! You cheated! Cheat, cheat, cheat!

(Glass shatters)

Get in there and stop them.

Gamesmanship, Major Steed.

I congratulate you.

But you're not the only player who has a card up his sleeve.

One final trick.

The master card, Major Steed.

The master.

Phew!

Game, set and ... match.

- Five. Good. - Steed?

Move to there. Oh, another throw.

- Steed? - Three ...

- Steed? - You were saying?

The last time I threw a five, I had to move back to the beginning.

- You didn't throw one before. - One what?

- Four. - You never said anything about a four.

Oh, yes, I did. Six. Oh, good, another throw.

- But I haven't had a go yet. - Yes, you have.

Oh, one. Then you said I had to pay a forfeit.

That's right. You missed six goes.

I don't understand this game.

Watch carefully. I throw the dice. Three. One, two, three.

There you are, you see. You owe me a pound.

Why?

I am on a red square.

You never said anything about a red square.

First time, black square. Second time, red square. Your throw.

- Mine? - Yours.

- Six! - Bad luck. Another pound.

Oh, what is this game?

- Surely you've played it before? - No. What's it called?

Steed-opoly.

- Oh, bad luck! - Oh!