All language subtitles for Mr. Black - 01x03 - Episode 3.CBFM.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

Ow...

Oh, dear. There is a chlamydia
epidemic in Melbourne.

You had a check-up, Fin?

I think I would know if I had chlamydia.

No. No. No. There are no symptoms.

Worst-case scenario,
you give it to Angie,

she doesn't know she's
got it, ends up infertile.

That's being a bit dramatic, Dad.

Which would be tragic if
she ever meets someone,

- wants to start a family.
- Dad! That's enough.

Maybe we should get checked out, though.

Then we can forego the oncay omsday.

In the meantime,

you two should not engage in
any sexual activity whatsoever.

Even with oncay omsday.

They're not 100% reliable, right...

You... [THWACK!]

There's a dead fly.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

Malcolm sends his regards.

Not to you.

Anyone needs me, I'll be in my room

watching the Pies dismantle the Doggies.

You know, I think your dad

greatly exaggerated the number of
people in Melbourne with chlamydia.

Well, we'll get our results back
soon anyway and all will be well.

He'll probably want to see the
document with the results on it.

I will! If it was good enough
for Mark to show me his results,

it's good enough for you, mate.

It's like living under the Stasi.

I only want what's best for Angela.

Well, the joke's on him
because when the tests come back

we'll be able to go au naturel.

And he would have inadvertently
made us 7% happier.

You know, I do some of my
best work without condoms.

And you haven't, you know, been
the beneficiary of that work as yet.

Are you sure you want to
overhype your performance?

Oh, it can't be overhyped enough.

Critics will call it "a
high-octane thrill ride".

As long as they don't call it

"thought provoking and
laugh-out-loud funny".

No. No. It'll be fun
for the whole family.

- Ooh..
- I can not believe I just said that.

- Mm-mm.
- Neither can I.

Hey, I love talking dirty with you,
but I've got an article to write.

Why don't you go watch
football with Dad?

- What?!
- It'll be a great bonding experience.

And it'll make him feel better

when he finds out you're STD-free
and he's forced to accept you.

I'm in the middle of...

Leave your cupcakes.
I'll put them in the oven.

[SIGHS]

If I'm not back within
an hour, call the police.

- [TV COMMENTARY IN THE BACKGROUND]
- ... you bloody nut head!

Hold the ball!

Come.

It would be nice to watch
a bit of the footy with you.

COMMENTARY: [ON TV]
Not so good there by Smith.

- [SNAPS FINGERS]
- Treloar.

Even though the tackle was oncoming,

he still had the
awareness to get rid of it.

Duggan, down in the back there...

- Ball!
- Jeez...

Oh, you would have seen
it if it was a hot dog.

- Because the umpire's fat.
- Oh.

Oh, mate, that would
have crushed in Bay 13.

- How'd your test go?
- Uh, great.

- Did you get the full battery?
- Yep. Yeah. Got all of them.

You must be scared, sitting
here, waiting for your results,

thinking about all those viruses
and sexually transmitted diseases

that are probably coursing
around your veins as we speak.

Oh, no. No. I think I'll be okay.

And if I'm not,

I'll just take a pill three times
a day for the rest of my life.

Not in this house you won't.

[SIGHS] So, is, um...

... Cazaly playing today?

No.

Why do they punch the ball like
that instead of just throwing it?

Because you can only kick,
punch or tap the ball.

It is not a game of throws.

Well, how come that
guy just threw the ball?

'Cause he's the umpire.

Oh, fly for it!

Oh, shit, we're getting
smashed in the air again.

Oh, what?!

What... Why was that a free kick?

Because he was tackled with the ball.

But the blue and red guy,

he was just tackled with the
ball, he wasn't penalised.

No. Because he convinced
the umpire, who's a dick,

that he was attempting to get rid of it.

Oh, so whether you win or lose

depends on whether the umpire is a dick.

- Pretty much.
- Oh.

- And most umpires hate Collingwood.
- Why's that?

Because we're rich and
all our players have hair

and most umpires are bald.

- [MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND]
- Is that music driving you nuts?

Um, no. It's okay.
I mean, it's a weekend.

You can't play loud music
on a Saturday afternoon.

It's a sacred time, reserved
by our forefathers for sport

and mowing the lawn.

It's not that bad. Must
be having a barbecue.

... directly in front...

Nah. Nah. This is bullshit.

- What...what are you doing?
- Nuh.

Mr Black, what are you...?

- [RINGS DOORBELL]
- [MUSIC PLAYS]

Hi. I'm Peter Black. I live next door.

Nice to meet you. I'm Ayesha Balla.

- Would you like to come in?
- No. No. Thank you.

I would appreciate it, however,

if you would lower the
volume of your music.

I'm sorry, but no.

Well, I'm sorry, but your
music is disturbing the peace.

It's 4:00pm. I'm entitled to play
my music at a reasonable level.

And I'm entitled to enjoy our native
game without an ethnic soundtrack.

Why don't you use headphones

if the ethnicity of the
soundtrack bothers you so much?

Are you aware that that weed is
encroaching on my side of the fence?

You may want to call your landlords
and ask them to have it trimmed.

You know what? I just
spoke with my landlords

and they told me to tell you to eff off.

Well, that doesn't sound like
Jim and Marjorie Bancroft.

That's right. That's because I
bought this house from the Bancrofts

- and I'm the landlord. Good day.
- Well, did you cons... Yep.

Right.

Well, you know,

at least Jim and Marjorie
played annoying music

you could sing along to!

Yes. 7 Bendigo Street,
Balaclava. Noise complaint.

Loud music.

Yes. I know it's the
middle of the afternoon,

but I can't hear myself think.

Thank you. See you soon.

Dad, do you think this
has something to do with

you being a little bit racist?

- I'm not racist.
- Oh, come on.

You're always complaining
about Asian drivers.

That's not racism. It's because
a lot of them can't drive.

But I do love their food.

And you say Indian
cricketers can't field.

Well, they can't, except
off their own bowling.

And I've got nothing against Africans.

The future of football
might well be African.

Just having them next door won't
be great for property prices.

Actually, if anything, it might
encourage people to buy in the area

because Dr Balla is an
astronautical engineer.

Well, that's hardly bloody
rocket science, is it?

It is exactly rocket science.

How do you know so much about them?

'Cause I went over and welcomed
them to the neighbourhood.

Did you? How sweet. Did
you bring baked goods?

Well, yeah. Only after I established
none of them had nut allergies.

- Aww...
- And in any case,

I didn't even meet
Dr Balla, I met his missus.

Uh, that was Dr Balla.

Racist and sexist. It's hard
to believe you're still single.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Yeah. Well... Ah...

There you go. That'll be the cops now.

Sort this out once and for all.

Thank you very much, officer.

False alarm.

This is not over.

Oh, heaven.

Calm down. It's only basil.

Wait till you see what
I can do with it, though.

Where are you off to?

Angela.

I've made a searching and
fearless moral inventory of myself

and decided there was
some unconscious racism

in my attitude towards the Ballas

and I'm... going to apologise.

I didn't think fearless moral
inventory was in your playbook.

Pray to God that herpes isn't in
your playbook, there, snowflake.

Oh, right. So, you're diseasist as well.

Only against the diseases
coursing through your body, Tim.

- Fin.
- Is it?

[MUSIC PLAYS]

[CLANG! CRASH!]

[DOG BARKS]

[CAN CLATTERS]

VOICES INSIDE: Aww...

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Get out of it, you bastard!

[FLY BUZZES]

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oi! Oi, no.

You've parked on my lawn there.

Hey. No, it wasn't a wave. You
should be park... Come back, please.

- [CAR LOCK BEEPS]
- You've parked on my lawn.

Oh, well, there's a nice little
care package for your troubles.

- Hey, how did you go?
- All clear.

Oh, congrats, babe. That's great news.

I was a bit nervous because of...

- Yeah, colourful past...
- ... the heroin.

But, yeah, all good.

When do you get your results?

Uh, yeah. Soon, really soon hopefully.

You did go to the clinic, didn't you?

Uh... not... not really.

- Not really.
- Well, I was going to

and then I remembered I'm really
not very comfortable with needles.

Get your phone and our
wallet and your balls.

We're getting you checked
out right now. Come on.

Yeah.

Where are you two going?

Just getting the results
of Fin's STD tests

- which he's definitely already had.
- You?

I may have been a little harsh
towards one of the Ballas' friends

when he parked over our lawn,

so I'm going to apologise.

It's that bloody
unconscious racism again.

Right. Unconscious.

No. No. After you.

Mmm.

[AIR HISSES]

You're okay. You're going to be okay.

What if I've got AIDS? Lucky
we always use protection.

Which one of your two
previous sexual partners

do you think could have given you AIDS?

Maybe they both did.

Well, let's see. There's the
one whose virginity you took.

And then there's the one
you never actually saw naked.

So I don't think either of them
classify as high risk, do you?

I need some water.

[SIGHS, BREATHES HEAVILY]

You don't have AIDS.
Worst case, mild chlamydia.

Very mild chlamydia.

You're going to make a
wonderful father one day.

Thank you. And you're
going to make a wonderful...

- Back inside.
- Yeah. No worries.

I'm telling you now,

the Magpies need to recruit
someone with a decent vertical leap.

We've got zero ability in the air.

Well, same with the Blues. We
should never have gotten rid of Fev.

Ah-ah, Mal. Put it down. Put
it down. [WHISTLES] Drop it.

Oh, hello.

Would you mind throwing the
football back over the fence?

What football?

- Um, that football there.
- I don't see any football.

Would you gentlemen mind if I
jumped over and got it myself?

Ah, yeah, the gentleman would mind.

And I tell you what, you step
one foot into this property

and I'll call the cops and I'll
have you charged with trespassing.

What's going on, Pete?

Keep your pantihose on,
Malcolm. It's a long story.

Mr Black.

Ah, Ms... uh, Dr Balla.

What can I do for you?

Would you be so kind as to
throw my son's football back?

Oh, you want something from me, do you?

Well, you should have thought of that

when I asked you to turn the
music down, shouldn't you?

Well, you got your own back,
vandalising our fuse box.

I have a good mind to go to the police.

Oh, well, your dog
took a dump on my lawn,

so I might go to the police about that.

Trespass laws only apply to humans

'cause animals have no
concept of boundaries.

Put a sock in it, Mal.

Perhaps you should investigate
your racist motives.

My racist motives are beyond reproach.

- There you go, mate.
- Don't...

[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC]

Dr Balla, I am so sorry
for the misunderstanding.

Please, I need to make a quick phone
call. I'm going to be right back.

Yeah. I also don't mean
to be rude, Dr Balla,

but there is something
pressing I need to attend to.

Very nice to meet you, by the way.

Sticks, you still running
the show at Carlton?

Uh, see. Apparently, a lot of guys
faint when they have a blood test.

But do they also have three
nurses holding them down?

And you kicked one of them in the shin.

That was a reflex
response. And I apologised.

It was pretty impressive

it took three of them
to hold me down, though.

- Yeah. You're awesome.
- Yeah.

Ange, look, I've been
trying to be brave for you

but I'm pretty sure I'm HIV-positive.

- Why do you think that?
- Because I've got the swollen glands.

And, look, I have this white
film across my tongue. Hmm?

And also, there are the
night sweats, too, so...

Are you sure the night
sweats aren't Dad-related?

I do dream about your dad quite a lot.

And seriously, if my
results come back positive,

then I will respectfully
leave this relationship

and let you carry on with your life,

unencumbered by my
poor sexual decisions.

That's probably a good idea.

Oh, I thought you'd put up a little
bit more of a fight than that.

You know I read an article
that if you get HIV,

you also lose your sense of humour.

- I have lost my sense of humour.
- That was another joke.

You know, they said if I am positive,

there'll be two people in the room
a doctor to give me the results

and a psychologist to grief counsel me.

They never told me about a psychologist.

Oh, well, yeah. That must be
because they think I'm high risk.

Look, HIV is not a death sentence.

Okay? They'll put you on a
regimen and you will be fine.

A regimen? I don't
want to go on a regimen.

Hey, I love you. And
that's all that matters.

Do you want to fool around?

Maybe we should wait
till we get the results.

We're confident we can get
this done pretty quickly.

We'd love to get Hassan
straight down to Collingwood

as soon as possible for training.

Thank you so much for coming to see us.

I can't tell you how
appreciative we are.

Hassan, son, you're a massive talent.

We want you to be part of the
biggest sporting club in this country.

That really means a lot, Mr McGuire.

Mr McGuire, mate? Eddie. Eddie,
mate. My dad hasn't walked in.

Mate, we're family.

- Side by side we stick...
- BOTH: ... together.

- Right?
- Yep.

One in, all in at Collingwood.
We're the workers' club, mate.

We might work out of a
multimillion-dollar facility,

state-of-the-art, all
the bells and whistles,

but it's still a workers' club and
you're going to be a big part of it.

- Come on, let's get going. Okay?
- Let's go.

- You ready? Come on, let's go.
- Let's go.

And, look, I'm sorry about the carry-on

with the fuse box and
the poo and the football.

I have a degenerative bone disease

and the medication
can make me a little...

- Cuckoo?
- Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

- It's alright.
- Good word for it.

That's fine.

You're not going to embarrass
the club again, are you?

No. Thank you, Eddie.

- Great stuff, buddy.
- Thank you.

Good on you, mate.

Sorry about this...

Sticks! Hello, mate. Good to see you.

- What's the...?
- Bring a bag of cash, did you?

- Traitor.
- Yeah. Good one.

I saw him the same time as you did.

I had a previous
relationship with the family.

Oh, you mean this previous relationship?

Don't show Eddie that!

- May the best man win.
- Indeed.

Sticks. Come on, Sticks.

Hassan, how are you?

Eddie! Eddie!

18-246.

Two of them?

Gonorrhoea, negative.

Chlamydia, negative.

Herpes simplex...

Negative.

HIV...

... negative.

[SIGHS]

Oh, that's a relief.

You have tested positive
for belonephobia.

Is that fatal?

No. Belonephobia is a phobia of needles.

And we think you should
see someone about it

before coming into contact again
with healthcare professionals.

And this is Sophia.
She's on work experience.

Doesn't anyone have AIDS?

You've had three
gonorrhoeas and a herpes.

- Isn't that enough?
- No.

She's also an entitled little monster.

You're so lame.

- Dr Balla.
- Mr Black.

I have a present for young Hassan.

It's one of the match balls
from the 2010 grand final tie

which we then won.

Oh, look at this, Hassan. That's
very, very kind of you, Mr Black.

Thank you.

- Hassan, how are you son? You good?
- Good, thanks.

Good. Now, Dr Balla,

I couldn't help but notice
your lawn could use a trim.

- I'd like to offer my services.
- Oh, that... that's not necessary.

- Really, it's not necessary.
- I insist.

It's the least I can do
after the way I behaved.

That's very generous.

Okay, alright.

Go, Blues.

Hello. Come on through here,
please. Come on to my lawn.

My lawn is your lawn.

It's buffalo. Nice soft
padding for the tyres.

Just turn the wheel full lock.

Tickety-boo.

Oh, for the love of God.
Malcolm, put a shirt on.

And some reasonable pants.

I think Hassan will look very
handsome in the navy blue.

Just like Sticks did.

Listen, Hassan is my neighbour.

Look. I get it.

I wouldn't have come across
him if it weren't for you.

So last night I asked myself
what would make me happier...

a sustained and enduring
friendship with Peter Black

or a Carlton premiership?

And I'm sorry, mate, you
just can't compete with that.

[CHUCKLES SARDONICALLY]

You know what? You're nothing
but a lunch-cutting aisle blocker.

And I never want to see you again.

I hope you don't mind, Pete,

but now you said that, I'm
gonna squirt you with this hose.

No, you bloody won't.

You bloody did.

- You bloody did it again!
- Yep.

[BOTH GRUNT]

There you go. Yeah. That's happening.

There you go.

[BOTH GRUNT]

Stop that this instant!

- Sorry... You...
- Stop that.

Mr Black, I would like to thank you

for bringing my son to the attention
of the Collingwood Football Club.

It is without doubt an
iconic football club,

but unfortunately Hassan
will not be joining them.

Yes!

Malcolm, Hassan is not
playing for Carlton either.

What?

Don't tell me he's playing soccer.

I thought he was straight.

GROUP OF PEOPLE: Go, Bulldogs!

- There it is.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Bulldogs? No, you've gotta be joking.

They get one premiership every 50 years.

Dr Balla...

Bob.

I'm sorry. Bob Murphy is
just a really nice guy.

- Bob.
- Peter.

Bob. Malcolm.

Put a shirt on, Mal.

Oh, it doesn't matter what
kind of body you've got.

As long as you're comfortable with
it, people will find you attractive.

Whoever told you that was
lying. Do you want a beer?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

Well... I was promised
a high-octane thrill ride

and what I got was more
like a Tropfest film.

Short and a little bit weird.

Yeah. I know. My performance
started off lacklustre

and went downhill from there.

The force just wasn't with me.

Did you tell Dad you were disease-free?

Yeah.

Yeah. He told me to shut up and
not embarrass him in front of Eddie.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Hey, I don't have to go back to
work for another 15 whole minutes.

Shall we have another crack?

And then afterwards we've got 14
whole minutes to play Scrabble.

Oh, ha-ha. Nah, sorry, babe.

It's going to be at least 24
hours before I can... you know.

I know my...

Actually I'm...

Ooh, it looks like the force
might be back with me again.

[LAUGHTER]

Ooh, there it is. Oh!

That's disgusting.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Is that racket still going on, is it?

It's their first time without a
franger, Pete. What do you expect?

Not them, you idiot.

Nah, bugger this for a joke.

Yes, police. Yes. I'm at 7
Bendigo Street in Balaclava

and I've just heard some
screaming from next door.

Wonder if you might be
able to send someone over

and make sure no-one's being stabbed.

Thank you.

And order is restored.

- Go, Blues.
- Hot Pies.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com