Original subtitles

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He fell...

It's my first time in Italy.

You too?

And I want to sleep with that italian.

Yeah, he's gorgeous, Italians are great guys.

Yes, a real latino lover, but I think he's with his wife.

Well, that's why I wanna do it.

- Dumb girls ! - Who are you angry with ?

Those two. They're speaking of you !

- So, what ? - What do you mean ?

If they only knew you lack what you need to be a latino lover.

Why do you talk like that? Pretend you don't hear.

Easy to say ! You haven't seen the others.

I'm here, Valentina !

- Hello, mother ! - Hello !

You look so tired, my darling ! The honeymoon is something...

- I'm tired from the yourney... - You can tell me, I'm your mother.

Come here and give me a kiss.

- What line ! Have you lost weight ? - Honestly, I never had any.

You've tired my daughter...

- I... - Let's go !

Such agitation, mother... To and fro, up and down...

- All Italy... ! - Bravo Giovannino, I was sure !

Why didn't uncle Federico come to get us, mother ?

He's working hard with his clients... It's difficult for him.

Hey, MAtilda, stand up and stay like before !

- Goddam... - Why all the swearing ?

- No, the children arrive ! It's 4 already. - What are you talking about ?

My nephew, Giovannino and Valentina are back from their honeymoon.

I promised to pick the up, the boat arrives at 3.

- Ciao darling, be nice. - Ciao !

Arrived at last. The fresh air invigorates you.

- How lovely ! - It's Murano, you like it ?

I only need a little fresh air to mend my... lungs.

To mend your lungs...

It's true, Roma and Napoli are beautiful, but our lake is something else.

Every bird likes her nest best.

Let's hope, mother ! Mrs. Lucia wanted all the sheets replaced.

- Have you seen, Valentina ? - It's lovely. Thank you, mother !

A wonderful mother-in-law !

- Look! It's my mother's picture . - Yeah ?

It was Mr. Frederico's idea. What a lovely frame - silver.

Where are the wonderers? Our treasures...

- Hello, uncle ! - Come to uncle, Valentina...

Giovannino ! Signora Lucia... !

Mamma Lucia told me you fired like crazy.

What can I do ? You were more agitated than me.

- Tell me ! Was everything ok ? - Almost...

- So and so, uncle. - What happened ?

Hey... I see you a bit sad...

No, they're tired, Frederico... Up and down... Get it ?

I understand ! Up and down is the best...

So everything's alright. Gabriela, bring a bottle of brandy.

- Imagine that... - What brandy, uncle ?!

It's old fashioned, uncle.

Soon, they'll use narcotics and you still believe in this stuff ?

Listen to your uncle ! One shot of this and you'll be up in no time...

Are you sure ?

- What a beautiful robe... - Is it too transparent ?

Something is evident...

- It's beautiful. Where did you find it ? - It's a present from my mother.

Made by her hands. Natural material.

Feel how slippery it is.

Yes, velvety and slippery...

So soft... It's wonderful... Did your mother do it ?

Yes, what's inside and outside. Why aren't you taking what's inside ?

- Come in and take them both. - Yes.

_ Valentina ! They excite me... - Take me all, but turn off the light.

- Why do you care about the light ? - Please, turn it off, Giovannino !

Damn it...

- Baby... - And the other one.t�.

What's with the light ? You make me lose my train of thought.

Please, turn it off !

Yes ! Damn it...

- My love... - I feel the material excites you...

I knew it, Valentina. Playing inside is totally different.

- Shoot on goal, darling ! - I'm taking my position...

- Score a goal... - It's the day of victory !

- Arrighini Giovanni ! Present ! - Take off my shirt !

Not now, you'll ruin it. It seems it help me.

- Then leave it... - No...

Eiffel tower... Hurry, Giovanni...

It's good like this, Giovanni... Don't leave me now...

Giovanni...

Giovanni !?

- I'll be damned... - Again ?

By all devils ! It's not possible... I don't understand anything anymore.

- Doesn't matter. I'm on it. - What are you doing, Valentina ?

I think the position is the most important.

And how do you know ?

With all the magazines today...

- No, why ? Are you taking it off? - Yes.

We can only lift it...

We fell off. I got you.

Let's see...

- It's not too well like this... - Are you uncomfortable ?

- Auch ! - Did I hurt you ?

What is it ?

A slipper.

Don't be angry. You want to change positions ?

If it were after me, my butt would've been out on the window.

It's not the position, we need a miracle, I'm telling you...

- Then, nothing even in our home ? - I'm sorry, Valentina !

I think I miss the beginning, maybe I'm too tired after the journey.

You'll see, after a good night's sleep tomorrow will be better.

- I'm off, I'm busy. - How you wish, madam.

Listen, Valentina, before you deal with this, you must be certain.

Stop it, mom !

Did you do everything to Giovannino ? All I said, from A to Z ?

Everything, momma, everythin ! The possible and the impossible.

Holy Virgin, look what happens to some !

The fool ! Doesn't he do anything ? Doesn't he say a word ?

He says good night !

No, it's too easy. I'll speak to his uncle, Frederico.

No, mom ! What's he got to do with it ? I'm embarassed !

Are you crazy ? It's them who should be embarassed !

They have money, but they're unmannered.

Range them right.

I may be sensitive, but when I see an ass, I get sick.

Calm down, Mr. Frederico, we need to arrange the crates.

Come down, Camilla ! What crates ? Give me your Hand ! Come !

I pay for overtime...

I told you I'll buy you an entire wardrobe...

- I'm scared, Mr. Frederico, I'm to young. - I can wait ! Is 5mins OK ?

- You're almost naked underneath. - Of course, can't you see how hot it is ?

Tell me about it, I'm in flames... The Olympic Torch...

What are you doing with those hands, Mr. Frederico... !

- Who is it, you father ? - No, its Mrs. Lucia.

- Mr. Frederico ! - That stupid...

- She seems a bit angry. - That's all I needed.

Why are you still naked ? Cover yourself !

What do you want, Signora Lucia ?

A pair of balls, which your nephew lacks. Did you know Valentina is still intact ?

You know why? 'Cos Giovannino is impotent.

Gabriela ! I want the truth.

What did Giovannino do when he came in your room before he got married ?

- What would you have him do ? He did it ! - But did he do it normally ?

- What do you mean ? - You understand. Did he fuck hard ?

You mean violent ?

I mean...

Yes, almost life yourself, Mr. Frederico.

What's it dot to do with me ? I'm a special case... It only takes...

What happened ? Ever since he was a kid, you could take him to a competition...

Why, what happened ?

It happened that he didn't do it with his wife.

What a tragedy ! And now what ?

Instead of sitting on the bench, he must get on the field. Your field.

- What do I have to do ? - You've gotta help him raise the flag.

Make him strong like a jet engine...

And what is Mrs. Valentina sees us ?

That's what's missing... what will Valentina say ?

What are we doing, making an announcement ? Giovannino has a soft gun !

Mrs. Valentina needs to shut up and Giovannino to get over this.

Tonight, when Valentina is in the bathroom, you take Giovannino

and make him an inventory...

When you see the thermometer going past 40, send him to his wife's room.

And before the dinner, do an antidoping with Calabria pepper.

The pepper is not swiss margarine...

Gabriela, you forgot to put a little pepper in the soup...

Why, is it too spicy ?

No, it's like "The Towering Inferno"

Sorry, it's a new pepper and I didn't know how to prepare it...

and Mr. Frederico likes it spicy.

That's more a flamethrower than pepper.

I don't like this show. I'm going to bed to read "Lady Chatterley's Lover".

- I'll be right up. - Good, Giovannino !

- Good night, uncle Frederico ! - Good night, Valentina !

I don't like this show either, I'm gonna go for a walk.

- Good night, Giovannino ! - Good night, uncle !

- Good night, Mr. Frederico ! - Good night, Gabriela !

Excuse me !

From the sky, the attacking forces lauch the offensive.

They jump like steel careens atop white hills.

The ground turns red from the first stike. The enemy senses danger...

while the attacking means dwindle under the strikes.

The enemy uselessly tries to withdraw from the attack.

The artillery opens violent fire. The opposing forces seem to give up.

There's no need for strategy. Covered by the aviation, the infantry moves safely.

It infiltrates and pregresses.

While the enemy is distracted, they march on the objective.

The infiltration is covert and unstoppable.

The hidden enemy tries to resists in its defending position,

maybe trying to organize the counter-offensive.

At last, the infantry leaves the defense and moves to attack...

What are you doing, Mr. Giovannino ? What's going through your mind...?

- I'm tearing it off... - Yes, Mr. Giovannino, like in the old days...

So violent... if your wife shows up...

Come here... bells are ringing...

Stop it !

- Gabriela ! - Mr. Frederico !

Damn it, that was no pepper, that was a napalm bomb.

I have a fire in my stomach. Make me a lemonade, Gabriella.

Right away, Mr. Frederico.

I'm going to bed, uncle. Good night !

Good ! Great idea. That's it, fast, hurry.

Valentina ! Where are you ?

- I'm in the bath, one moment ! - Open up !

Saint Ambrose, give us a helping hand ! With all due respect, that's how they say !

Come out, Valentina, I'm in the mood... Open up !

You're in the mood when I'm in the bathroom ?

It was never like this. I swear I'll make it.

You're a liar, I don't believe you.

Don't talk like that, please !

Valentina, I have something down here...

- What ? - If I don't make it, you can shoot me.

Let's hurry !

- Come for a consult... - It's dangerous here, let's go to bed.

The bed is for sick people, I'm as healty as a pimp.

I live in a house where they have sex half a day.

Come here ! I finance the firms...

- What is it, a cramp ? - No, a fork in my balls.

- You're so violent... - Valentina ! I...

- It's like the end of the world. - I feel better.

How lovely ! The faucets are finally open, we needed a good storm...

I was becoming a human torch, and now...

- And now the flame is out. - It's not my fault the bed broke.

- I'm ready and you're in the bath... - I'm always ready.

Why don't you read "Lady Chatterley's Lover", you may learn somethin.

What's "Lady Chatterley's Lover" got to do with it ?

- Go upstairs, Gabriella. - With Mrs. Valentina watching ?

What did you understand ? Go and fix the bed... We're unlucky tonight...

Look what I needed... Now I can say I've broken my balls.

We're going at lunch, Mrs. Valentina, if you go out too we'll close up.

- No Tania, my husband is coming for me. - Do you know when Mrs. Lucia will be back ?

- She left for Brescia to close a deal. - Good afternoon and bop appetit !

- Thank you too ! - Let's go girls !

What an honor, Mrs. Valentina !

- You can leave, girls. - Thank you, Mrs. Valentina !

I want to ask you : have you left town, Mrs. Valentina ?

My mother left for Brescia and I'm taking her place for half a day.

I feel so good calling you Mrs. Valeria, Miss Vestavalerio !

Can I help you with something ?

You could have, but I'll keep hoping all my life.

- Please, counselor ! - Don't be afraid !

My veneration for you is full of respect and discretion.

What are you talking about ?

I came to pick up a few documents on your client who went bankrupt.

There should be a file for me in the office.

- There it is. - Such beautiful hair, Mrs. Valentina...

- ... soft and sensual... - Leave me, counselor.

- It's not a sin, Mrs. Valentina. - I am Mrs. Arrighini.

- It's not bad, Mrs. Arrighini. - Keep your hands down !

Are you taking my clothes off ?

- I'd love you all my life. - I'm going to scream.

Don'te be so tense... It's natural...

Valentina !

I'm here Giovannino, the lawyer Caldura came to take the documents.

Good afternoon, Mr. Arrighini. How's your uncle ?

He's fine. How are you, counselor ?

Pretty well, thank you !

I'll take these documents, your mother will give me the others.

- I kiss your hands... ! - Good-bye !

I'm gonna break that migdet lawyer's nose.

- Why, what's he done to you ? - Nothing, but I'll do it anyway.at.

For fun.

The counselor is a gentleman, he wouldn't break anyone's nose.

I'd like to see him, that toad-faced...

Listen, Valentina ! You're exagerating with this story.

It's not normal what you are doing..

Listen to me a moment ! See what I became...

I'm so brought down...

I know, sometimes I act like a guy with no balls,

but I swear I feel like I'm cursed.

I don't know, maybe it's a complex, like Freud says.

I need a technician, a doctor, a plumber.

- But I love you... - I know you do.

I know, honey.

I Love you too. I adore you.

But that jerk makes jokes that ruin everything.

What do you say, if I get involved... Come here !

I'll make you forget that no-good lawyer.

- What lawyer ? I want you. - ??????????????????????

You said you'll get involved, Giovannino.

Giovannino ! My darling !

I'm out again.

Who cursed me ? What sort of a life is this ?

- It's a cronic disease, this is. - Where are you going, Giovannino ?

Where am I going ? On the terrace, in the garden. To hell.

Truth is there are no more trial these days.

This heat ! How would you like a cold drink ?

Let's go to the bar.

You can tell... Good afternoon!!

Mrs. Lucia, Mrs. Valentina ! May we have the honor ?

- Thanks, but I'm not thirsty ! - Giovannino... !

If you two want to stay here...

- Excuse us, counselor! - Please, Mrs. Lucia !

I heard some rumours about the newlyweds.

You're too kind, I would say they're terrible things.

What do you think ?

It's no difference what I think, they are saying those things already.

I know the truth. Giovannino has an enemy in the village.

Really ?

His wife, Valentina... she has many... Do you understand, counselor Caldura ?

Look what has become of life in the southern towns.

I mean, gossip is no joke.

Even if it's true, nobody could condemn Mrs. Valentina if tomorrow...

The day after tomorrow... she would start lokking another way...

Whatlovely minuet...

Well done, unchiule !

- You need exercise in the morning. - Yes, yes !

Especially your wife, who lifts up your morale...

I'm going to the factory, see you later.

- Yes, uncle. - Ciao ! Be nice.

_ Who is it? - Alain Delon !

I wish, Frederico ! You came at this hour ?!

- What happened ? - I want to comb your hair.

- Look at this ! Mouling Rouge stuff ! - What's that ?

- The Red Mill, Paris ! - I understand.

But it's ten o'clock and the mill is closed.

We need continuous working hours, like in the heavy industry.

I want to get in the furnace...

- You're in form this morning... - I can't even think anymore.

- That idiot nephew of mine, Giovannino... - By the way, they say he...

I know what they say ! He's got a wife with kerosene for blood.

A Woman who could burn Brianza, and that moron sits there

with his mini-prick in his hand, instead of...

Am I wrong, or would you do stuff to your little niece.....

They don't call me THE DRILL for nothing !

These taurine hormones are infallible. Your problem will be over in 48 hours.

- Unless... - Unless what ?

Unless it's somethine else. Sit down !

- What did you have as a small boy ? - I don't remember.

I see now. So...

At 7 you broke a leg, at 12 you fell from a tree.

At 15 you were hit with a stone in the head...

I know, doc, but let's face it, I was unlucky since childhood.

I could be worse, right ? Let's the the box.

Lie down ! Usually, the enemy is in here.

Stand up a little !

Breathe. What do you feel ?

- I feel heat. - Impossible ! What heat ?

I feel it, it's really strong.

Suggestion ! Wanna bet you're not going to feel it anymore ?

- It's true ! I don't feel it anymore. - You're healthy as a fish.

It's true ! Only a fish is not as healthy as me.

Give it a little time, we've only just began.

- Giovannino Arrighini ! - Present.

Come here ! Tell me something !

These pictures with the shiny muscles... what is their effect on you ?

- They make me sick, doc. - You're saved !

Come on, Camilla, you can't mock me.

I helped your father, I helped the Christian democracy... Why are you afraid ?

If the comnunists return, the workers will pluck me, don Emilio said.

What do you have against the workers ? I used to be a puncker myself.

- You're beautifuland fresh... - Mr. Frederico !

What's this, an alarm ?

You can't talk politics a little...

- Where are you, Mr. Frederico ? - In a world of shit.

- Sorry ! - That's what they say, dummy...

A telegramme from Mr. Gianfranco.

Oh good, if it was an earthquake what would you have yelled ? Be righ there !

- What's it say ? - He's coming tomorrow with his German girl.

- Frau Kartoffen... - Mrs. Valentina opened it.

Perfect ! Prepare a royal lunch and the guest bedroom.

- Fine ! - What don't you take Camilla to help ?

There will be many people and you'll need a hand.

You need her hand more that I.

I like to work,not to be worked.

Faster, enough with that plate.

Brigitte, this is a Sicilian speciality. Something afro-italian.

- They're a gift from counselor Caldura. - Thank you, uncle Frederico !

- You don't want to taste it ? - No.

- They're afrosidiacs ? - What's that, afrosidiacs ?

It means being in the mood a week, or staying in the kitchen two months.

- Gianfranco eats a lot when he's here. - I'm always skeptic, but...

- Be nice. - Here you go !

- A banana... ! - Brigitte is healthy, she likes a bulky banana.

Eat, eat, I have some brandy as well...

And one for Giovannino.

- You're crafty, Mr., dle Frederico. - Bravo !

I'll show you craftmanship later...

This brandy wakes up the dead.

Gianfranco doesn't need it, he's always awake.

Uncle and nephew have the same condition.

By the way Giovannino, you must drink as well, even if you didn't have cake.

- To your health, children. - Thank you, uncle !

It'll do you good, Giovannino.

There's a proverb: brandy and cake lift all skirts.

I tried it with my Gianfranco.

What did I tell you, the brandy is explosive.

Gianfranco, could you explain to your wife that's not the way to wat cake ?

I know, but I like to have fun before I finish. Right ?

- Isn't that so, Gianfranco ? - Yes, it's all true.

He likes to invent games as well, he's a specialist in bed.

That's why I marrid him.

How do you call that monkey who has sex all the time ?

- I think that's a bit... - The mandrill !

That's right ! The mandrill.

Gianfranco is a real mandrill...

I don't know, but to me... she doesn't look German.

Excuse me, I need a little air. This brandy got me hot.

Giovannino, take this bottle up to your room.

- Valentina ! - I'm here, Giovannino.

I think uncle was right, the cakes and the brandy are working.

Really !?

What are your intentions, Gianfranco... ?! Wonderful... !

They didn't come from Germany to teach us how to do it.

My darling... you're the end of the world ! You're the end of the globe !

Mein Kama Sutra...

It's not bad, that banana stuff from before...

O course, it's only a cake banana...

It was an Eurovison interference... It's like Games without frontiers...

Let's resume transmission. Where were we ? Right, the banana !

My lady... !

You're so strong, my mandrill... ! Stronger...

- I know you like the cake's edges... - Yes, I do, my little big bull...|

- You heard what she said ? - ...it's outstanding...

I heard, but I don't understand. They yell like it's a supermarket.

Giovannino, why don't we also go shopping ?

- Gut, gut... - That's right, speak German, my Chiquitita...

- It's lovely, isn't it ? - I know, but the banana is for dessert !

- Let's begin with an appetiser. - Please, striaght to the second course !

... what a big fish, thick like a sturgeon...

... watch out, there' no joking with the eggs, or elsewe get caviar ....

Damn it, it's like we're in a fish store on via Monza.

Only there's no fish here.

O, mein doberman, you sex machine, you italiano vero !

I knew it: cake and brandy lift all skirts. I'm a lion !

- You're a lion, but I'm still a virgin... - Let's get a Capricorn and we'll have a ball...

- What are you doing, Mr.Frederico ? - Giving you a horoscope...

They say I'll be lucky in life.

My darling ! You have such forms... And these two buttons...

I don't feel anything, I'm not ready yet. I'm stil on minimum wage...

I see a shag needs negociations now...

Ask Mr. Lama to find you a place in housekeeping.

- Go to sleep ! What are you doing... - Don't be so mad !

- Where are you doing ? - To take a few steps in the garden.

Excuse me, Valentina !

Your hands are so big, Gianfranco ! I like your hands so much...

Caress me, darling... !

Yes, like that ! You are my periscope...

You're periscoping so well... Slowly ! Like that...

Don't take your hand... Don't do it too fast...

That's right, a long fondle...

- I'll do everything I want to you... - Yes, yes, like that...

Like that, Gianfranco... !

Giovannino...

Giovannino...

Giovannino...

Have you called me, darling ?

Do you need anything ?

No ! I just wanted to say good night.

Gianfranco, do you allow your wife to stay with her jewels in sight ?

What can I do ? She's German, that's how they do it in Germany.

Yes, but this isn't the Berlin wall.

What do you care ? The one who reaveals is happy, the one who watches is envious..

- Do you want a little creme ? - Yes, thank you !

Your skin is fantastic. Cofanino is so lucky !

I like open skin ! Do you want some cream on your breasts ?

I'm pretty good, Gianfranco taught me.

- I cand do it alone. - Don't tell me you're bashful.

- Courage, don't be ridiculous... - What if Gianfranco and Giovannino see us...

You don't have to be so pessimistic...

You know something ? Men are only gelous on other men...

Your skin is fantastic. I love your beasts, a real italian masterpiece.

What a beautiful combination, my friens !Beautiful fauna down by the lake...

Good afternoon, Mrs. Arrighini ! It's refreshing...

Mr. Gianfranco, Mr. Giovannino ! Are you also naked ?

- Have fun ! - Thank you !

- One day I'll kick his ass. - Why ? He's so kind... !

Kind ? He's a jackass !

- Good-bye ! - See you soon !

- How's the water, Gianfranco ? - Warm-ish !

If you want nudism, we have to get out of here, we're too exposed.

We have to pick a different spot. You steer, I'll get the gripe !

Come !

- Hi ! - Hello ! My name is Maurice ! Come !

- They're nice ! - Come, there's enough room !

COme, our camp is right there !

- What's he saying ? - He's inviting us for camping !

Now we're mixing with them ? Let's call counselor Caldura as well.

- Let's go ! - Come, friends !

- Come ! - Ciao !

Come back !

Did you know you're a phenomenon ?

- Where did you learn that ? - Brigitte taught me yesterday.

She does it once a week to her husband.

This outfit...

- Hurry up ! - Yes.

- You're mine, Valentina... - You're mine as well.

- We belong to each other. - It's us, Giovannino.

- This time... - It's so beautiful...

- No... - Yes...

- No, no... - Forgive me !

- What's wrong ? You're like a tea commercial. - Stop it ! I'm fine !

Giovannino worries me. It's like he's in a coma. He's no longer here...

Same problem ? Still not getting it up ?

You know everything... ! Who are you, the daughter of a reporter ?

The whole town knows, Frederico !

If only they would mind their own business...

- When I can, I do it, right ? - I know...

In this moment I'm so agitated I could take flight...

Liebe, liebe... Meine liebe...

Every time a new love game...

Every time a new operation for your pacient...

- Yes, meine liebe... - It's so beautiful, darling...

My Carthagian ! Meow, meow...

I can't stop...

C'mon, we'll win the gold medal...

My stud, my lesbian...

Wake up, Valentina ! It's useless to destroy yourself, to keep waiting...

I'm destroyed ever since we were married, uncle.

- You're right ! - Such unhappiness, uncle...

- Those two love-birds were missing... - You saw...

Some too much, other not at all.

How can they do it in this heat ?!

I can't even hear them anymore. It's love, it's youth...

It's something you can't understand.

No, no ! I understand very well. It's you rhusband I don't understand...

How can he fail with a woman like you... You eyes are...

And your skin...

That's what I say.

You have everything you need to make a man happy, even two.

What do I mean, two !? Ten, a hundred men...

- You're so good, uncle... - I ? You're good... a saint.

What saint ? I can't anymore, I'm going nuts !

Tell me about it ?! Your husband should have his dick cut out.

You're right.

Your arm is so strong, uncle Frederico...

I gained a little weight, but before...

And you are so soft...

Your muscles are made of iron, uncle Frederico...

- Do you want to play Red Riding Hood ? - And you'll be the Big Bad Wolf ?

- I'm goint to devour you all... - Uncle Frederico...

I'll eat you up...

Your skin ! It's like velvet...

It's like velvet...

Yup, it is velvet...

- Mr. Frederico ! - Yes, Mrs. Lucia !

I have to speak to you, it's urgent.

- Same story, right ? - Yes, the same.

Do we have to talk right here ? One moment !

- Go and load the oil. - Right, Mr. Frederico !

Let's take a few steps.

That's it, Mr. Frederico. We can't go on like this.

I think we need to get this marriage annuled.

Arrighini doesn't annul anything, I don't want to turn a tragedy in a scandal.

It's your scandal, and my daughter's tragedy.

When you think we've given up the best suitors.

The mayor's son, professor Multi... And that's just two of them...

These two are not even a quarter of my nephew's capital.

I forgot about counselor Caldura, he's rich as a prince...

A real aristocrat...

Listen, Mrs. Lucia ! Giovannino is no prince or lawyer, but he's an honest boy.

What good is that for if he's dead in the sack ?!

Talk to your nephew and remind him the girl is like a flower, a real woman.

Yes ! Her feminity makes one lose his head... like you say...

How do you know ?

I Know, she lives in my house, I see her every day...

Don't worry, Mrs. Lucia, I'll deal with Giovannino even if it costs me a fortune.

- I'll send him to dr. Barnard. - Why ? He's a cardiologist.

He's a magician, he can treat any disease he wants to.

Let's move on, Mrs. Lucia.

This is it, I'm telling you, there's no mafia, but its hands are long.

Don't worry, the president of the court is my friend.

Excuse me, I have an urgent affair !

- I have to speak to you, Mrs. Valentina. - Nagger !

I know I'm a pest, but I've been following you very discretely.

- You've done very bad. - I have to speak to you, give me an hour.

- You exaggerate, counselor Caldura. - I am determined by the importance of the cause.

- Please, Mrs. Valentina ! I beg you ! - Fine, I'll give you half an hour.

Half and hour ? OK, climb in, Mrs. Valentina !

Climb fast !

This way !

Watch the door !

Let's go...

Why did you bring me here ?

I thought that direct contact with nature might help us...

The forest, the lake... The birds and the silence... What more could I wish ?

Nothing else, or at least I hope so.

- You're lying thinking of lies. - And you delude yourself you can insist.

Delude myself !? All life is an illusion.

- What are you doing ? - It's more intimate like this...

- I love you, I love you, Mrs. Valentina... - Please, counselor... !

- I can't think, I wanna reach the... - Reach where ?

- What are you doing ? Don't fondle me ! - What do you mean ?

This is why I've brought you here !

Stop, I'm yelling for help.

You're so cynical and cruel, I thought the time has come...

You were mistaken, counselor.

- Nobody can see us here, Mrs. Valentina. - I'm getting out.

Wait !

I'll take you ! Caldura is a gentleman !

A gentleman quits and dies desperate.

The sun ! The smell in the country air, the silence...

You had a good idea, I haven't fel so relaxed and appeased.

You're welcome, I thought direct contact with nature might help.

It's true. I feel like a new man.

The birds of the fields, the dew in the grass...

- The buzzing of the bees... - Oh my God, bees... !

Don't be afraid, there are no bees. It was just nice to say...

- You're as sweet as honey... - Kiss me, Giovannino !

Lye down !

This time...

I feel like Adam in the earthly paradise.

And I feel like the virgin Eve.

- Give me the apple, Eve ! - Yes...

If we're playing Adam and Eve, we needen an apple.

- That's it ! - Are we commiting this sin ?

- Look, Giovannino ! - What !

A snake ! O my God !

Of course, we were Adam and Eve with the apple, the snake was missing.

Your German girl sings so pretty !

She took lessons from Patty Brau, especially for the words.

You don't understand a thing when she talks.

- Who, your wife ? - No, Patty Braun !

I'm done, Mr. dle Gianfranco.

Did you know you had a beautiful body !? I could give you an ophtalmological consult.

- I have good sight. - You have everything good...

I know ! Everyone says this, including your wife.

Yeah ?

- Didn't you know I'm a virgin, Mr. Gianfranco ? - I'm gonna take it from you now.

- And what if your wife comes down ? - We'll put her on a waiting list.

- We'll put her on international waiting... - No...

- What, here in the closet ? - The door... !

Uncle Frederico ! I would've hurried up, if I knew you were waiting for me.

Please ! Ladies first, especially beautiful ladies.

Thank you ! You're very kind. How nicely you're dressed.

It's an arabic sport outfit. For Arafat from Arafat.

Der pulpen... ! Here we say: what lovely curves you have... !

- Did you see Gianfranco ? - Gianfranco, he leftten... !

And Camillen and Gabriellen ! All leftten ! Do you need anything ?

Gianfranco always massages me after the bath.

You're so lucky ! Once I was going to Milano

and I rubbed a German that climbed on his bike and nobody stopped him afterwards.

- Do you want a massage ? - Me ?

- Come ! - I'm coming...

- Mamma mia, what an instrument ! - Did you think it was like Giovannino's ?

- I was touching a salami... - Well, that's right...

You're such a con !

What a piece, like Beckembauer, only he doesn't have these...

or else he wouldn't have played football.

Not so hard, uncle Frederico ! Sweeter, softer.

- Sweeter, softer... - Yes !

It's better now.

Gut...

- It's good like this ? - Yes, now it's good.

Velvet hand ! Did you know you're better than Beckembauer !?

Yeah ?

Such forme ! You're like a curved line.

Now a little higher, on the breasts, uncle !

This is no longer a massage, uncle, you're trying to fuck me !

A joke is a joke, but when it comes to sex,

Uncle Frederico jumps the Maginot line and cuts the Iron Curtain.

I have an obstetrical flame here...

Come, frau ! How do the arabs do it with these dresses ?

What are you doing here ?

Nothing ! We were looking for ingredients to make an omelette.

- A french omelette. - What was that, an earthquake ?

What's going on here ?

Mr. Gianfranco wanted to teach Camilla to make a french omelette.

- Not too practical, but... - And you prefer german omelette, right ?

- You know what's beautiful about you, Gabriella ? - What ?

Nothing, absolutely nothing. Gianfranco, an omelette is just an omelette

It's enough to have eggs in it !

Watch Kartoffen laugh... !

I'm sure that in three, four months at our branch in Germany...

A permanent stay in a foreign country cand do a miracle.

Of course, it's not an exile dor a lifetime.

I wish it were very short.

As for Valentina, this is her house.

She won't lack anything, Gianfranco and Brigitte will keep her company.

When they're free... Your maternal assistance...

If you allow me, my paternal affection...

Paternal... ! Almost... !

As far as I understand, you want to send me to Germany in a concentration camp

because I don't colaborate with the alliance.

- You're a bit of a nazi, uncle. - Stop talking nonsense.

- Do you want me to go alone ? - Valentina will join you when you're cured.

And how will you know when that is ?

- When... - When, what ? Come, say it !

I don't know ! I'm cured from birth. I have hormons like a cat in heat.

- Did you understand ? - I'm not moving from this place !

This is between me and my wife.

She needs to decide.

When she confided in her mother, I didn't have a word to say.

But when everybody knows about it, that's crossing the line.

I thought I married an understanding, loving girl...

But when we're in bed, the only thing on her mind is to have a bull by her side.

One to mount on, that means I married a cow.

What are you talking about, Giovannino ? You want to be right now ?

I gave you love, fidelity, understanding, affection. Everything I could.

And when I get erotic hallucinations... I get cardiac troubles of sexual origin.

And if my husband can't do it, what can I do ? Call the cardiologist, Giovannino ?

I confirm ! She's a cow.

Get out of here, you impotent.

I don't want to see you in this house.

Holy Virgin, my treasure wants to drown herself in the lake. My angel !

What lake, mother ? You know where she's going ? To...

- Valentina ! - My darling...

Giovannino ! Mrs. Lucia ! Oh my God...

You two be calm, don't get agitated. Nothing happened.

- Valentina ! - She's gone to the lake. I feel she'll kill herself.

Valentina !

- Such difficult moments... - Let'ssplit up.

- I'm going this way, you the other. - Holy Virgin...

Maybe we'd better take the boat to see the bank better.

- My God... if we don't find her... - Let's look further. Sit down !

She couldn't have gotten so far, we'd better call the police.

You're right, mother. Let's go back.

- What happened, why did you stop ? - No more gas.

- What can we do now ? - I can only start rowing.

Put this on, mother !

I'll be damned, everything happens to me.

What are you doing there, miss ?

Put this on !

Come !

Courage mother, there's a fishing cabin 100m from here.

We'll take cover there. Courage !

Come here.

Please come in, Miss !

Let's enter !

We did it. Drop the windows !

I'll help you.

Come mother, hold me. Watch it, it's slippery.

It's only my fault if something happens to Valentina.

Please stop talking like that, Giovannino.

Valentina is no longer a child. Take your clothes off ! You could catch pneumonia.

- You're tired ? - Yes.

Why don't you rest ? On the bed.

- Are you thirsty ? - Yes.

Here you go ! Drink a little whisky.

Stop it Giovannino, don't despair.

I'm sure nothing will happen to Valentina.

It was just hysteria.

She's a very sensible girl, she doesn't do stupid thing.

Mother ! Where are you, mother !? I want my mother !

Mother ! I'm alone ! I feel so alone.

I want my mother.

Calm down, I am your mother now.

Don't do that, my treasure, you'll make me cry.

I want my mother...

Momma...

You're warm, mother.

At last...

- Mother... - My darling...

- Thank you, mother ! - You're a good man, Giovannino...

- Isn't that your boat, Mr. Frederico ? - I don't know, let me see.

- Yes, that's it. - Let's go !

Let's get there fast.

- Giovannino ! - Again ?

I heard a boat.

- Giovannino... - It's uncle Frederico.

He brought the police. Get dressed fast.

Mrs. Lucia, Giovannino !

Where are you ? Uncle Frederico is here.

- At last, Frederico. - It's so good you came, uncle.

Valentina is saved, Giovannino. The french nudists saved her.

She's very well. I've never seen her better.

I thought you were the first who should find out.

Yes, I'm happy for you...

I think there will be a scandal...

- Tell me about it ! Was he beautiful ? - Beautiful ? - Poveste�te-mi ! A fost frumos !? - Frumos ?

Was he ever ? And anyway, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

And Giovannino, when he realizes...

Realizes what ? He doesn't know what this means.

What can I do now ? What's done is done...

- Yes, but you said the annulement... - Annulement ?!

No ! Nothing gets annuled.

- You want scandal, tragedy ? - You told me to leave him.

Nobody leaves anyone, he's part of the family now.

- But only yesterday you said... - One moment, Valentina !

Yesterday was a different day...

Why don't you let him try again, he's a strong boy.

Even a plant in the shadows... if it rains, it's revived.+

You mother doesn't know much about plants, but she know men.

You have to know how to take Giovannino.

I'm sure that after last night, a new Giovannino is born.

How do you know ? How can you be so sure ? Who told you ?

A mother's intuition. A mother is always right.

Will you stop that, Mr. Frederico ? We're not expecting a miracle.

You understand, Mrs. Lucia, it's just an automatism...

Why don't we chup-chup as well, Gianfranco ?

They're doing it once, and we aren't, mandrill ?

Stay calm ! All you think about is...

- Watch it, you mental sinistrate ! - Excuse me, Mr. Frederico !

Put it down and leave. It's important.

- You scratched me with your nail. - Excuse me, it wasn't intentional.

- You're forgiven ! - Brigitte !

Even in times like these, all you think about is dick.

Momma Lucia !

Will you come upstairs with us, please !

- What's that ? All three ? - In three, nice...

Calm down, mandrill !

You have 30secs, name and surname. If not, I'll kill you and him as well.

- It's gonna be a slaughter ! - Stop yelling !

If not, there'll be a scandal and we'll all be on the front page.

- Calm down , darling ! - How can I, so you know what she's done ?

That tart gave it to the first one she met, while we were suffering there.

Shouldn't I have been the first one ?

Shut up, Giovannino !

What she said about me now, I have to say about her.

- So that she'll see what it means. - Stop it now Giovannino ! Shut up !

Listen to me ! All this nonsense is useless.

Reputation is important.

One ! Who marries a virgin these days ? Two !

In my opinion, there's no hope Giovannino must go to Germany.

- Poor Valentina ! - I don't know whom whould we weep for.

Valentina can console herslef, but poor Giovannino...

Sit down, everything is ok, it was just a little misunderstanding.

Everything's well that ends well !

They've made chup-chup !

- So they did it ? - Everything !

We need a hot, strong coffee. Gabriella !

- Two strong coffees! - With brandy. A lot of it...

And now news for all.

Beggining tomorrow, Giovannino and Valentina will live with me.

- Why ? Aren't they well here ? - Yeah, but try to understand !

I'm right wether they're well or not,

in this house, Giovannino has an Oedipus complex.

- Imagine that... - It's a little hard to explain.

I'll try to explain everything in a few words.

To perform his duty as a husband, Giovannino must be far from his natal place.

In this house, he feels the absence of the mother.

Is it true, Giovannino ?

Answer, Giovannino !

Yes, that's right, mother ! It's true ! We have to live at your place.

Congratulations, Mrs. Lucia ! You and Oedipus saved my nephew.

- If you knew it's worth it... ! - You're very competent...

- Are you gelous ? - A little...

Please allow me to visit from time to time.nd.

- You also have an Oedipus complex ? - No complexes, I'm not feeling alone.

I'm a guy who finds consolation easily.

It would be better if the kids won't see us, I'll visit you.

If it's fine for you, I have no objections even without the complex.

- Have you heard the news ? - I always know everything.

What do you think, conselor ?

It's not important what I think, but people say Giovannino...

I know ! The mother-in-law took him under her roof.

You didn't understand well, lieutenant. Under her roof or in her bed ?

In her bed...

THE END

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