All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S05E02.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

- So, I got assigned
to this one rookie,

and on his training day,

I made him smoke angel dust
at gunpoint.

King Kong ain't got
nothing on me.

- Isn't that the plot
and tagline of--

- The movie "Training Day"?
Yes, great observation, Tank.

That's because it's based
on my life.

- Lunch is over.
Bus your trays.

Now, Peralta.
- I haven't finished

my lemon cookie, bull.
- And you're not gonna get to,

either.
Give it to me.

- Oh, you want the cookie?

prisoners: Oh!
- There's your cookie.

- You're going in the hole.
- Oh, I'm going in the hole?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, bring it on!

prisoners: [chanting]
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!

- Remember what you saw
here today!

You can lock me up,

but one day I'll get
out of here,

and I'll come for you!
I'll come for all of you!

Hey, Warden.
What's up?

- Next time, don't wait so long

to spit the cookie.
I've been waiting

in here for four minutes,
and it's gross.

- Yeah, it really is.
- Okay, snitch time.

What's up with Romero?
- All right, he's got

a "delivery" coming in
on Wednesday night.

One of the cafeteria workers
is smuggling something in

with the produce.
- [laughs] Great.

See you Thursday.
- Wait, what?

You're just gonna leave me
in here, in solitary?

- You spit in a guard's face.
That's five days in the hole.

- Yeah, but, I mean,
you made me do that.

- Well, we don't want anybody
getting suspicious, huh?

Have fun.
[knocking]

Try not to go crazy.

[door slams shut]

- Okay.
No big deal.

Five days is nothing.
I'm not afraid to be alone

with my thoughts.
My thoughts are awesome.

"Die Hard 6" on a cruise ship,
pizza bagel restaurant,

my father never loved me,
I'm gonna die alone--oh, boy,

that happened fast.
Guard? Guard!

[upbeat music]

*

- A 300 call number
in the fine arts section?

What is this, Beirut?

- You know,
you don't work here.

You don't have to reshelve
the books.

- [snidely]
Well, someone has to.

I'm so sorry.
I'm just really stressed out.

You're a great librarian,
and I'm sure you're not the one

who shelved this section.
- I am.

- God, Debbie,
what is going on with you?

[sighs]

[object thuds]

Debbie?
Is that you?

Are you mad?
Because I think

I've been more than fair.

- Hello, Detective Santiago.

Ah, no need for the gun.
I'm not here to hurt you.

My name is Seamus Murphy.

- Yeah, I know who you are.
Every cop in the city does.

What do you want, Seamus?
- To help.

I know your boyfriend
got framed.

Maybe I could give you
the proof you need

to take down the cop
that set him up.

- You have something
on Hawkins?

- She's about to move
5-million dollars' worth

of stolen diamonds--
stones that tie her

to the robberies.
I could tell you

how to find them.
- Why would you do that?

- 'Cause I wanna be friends.
I do you a favor,

and one day,
you do me a favor.

I don't know.
Think about it.

But don't think too hard, huh?

You only got three days.

- [whispering]
Forgive me, books.

Oh, God.

- So, how was your first stint
in solitary?

- [scoffs] It was nothing.
I held it together.

Oh...Amy.

When'd you get here?

You've come for
my conjugal capabilities.

You're looking real good, girl.

[mashed potatoes plop]
Whoa, lost a booby.

No matter.
I'll just build another one.

More mashed potatoes!

So, what happened with
that sweet intel I gave you?

- Your tip was garbage.
We busted Romero's delivery.

Get this--nothing but
toothbrushes,

shampoo, and soap.
- Ooh, lemon verbena.

Can I keep this?
- Yes, you should--you reek.

- 'Cause you put me
in the hole.

- Have you ever heard of Blizz?
- Yeah, the drug, right?

- Uh-huh.
And thanks to your pal Romero,

it's taking over the prison.
I need you to find out

where he keeps his stash.
- [snorts] Well,

I doubt he would tell me that.
I'm not exactly

in the inner circle.
- Maybe you just need

some extra incentive.
Find the stash,

or I'll tell everybody
you're a snitch.

- What? No.
They'll kill me.

You don't want that, right?
It'd probably be a lot of

paperwork for you.
- Oh, it's not.

It's just one form,
and it's already filled out.

We just have to staple
a picture of your corpse to it.

- Great.
Prison...is great.

[phones ringing,
staff chatting indistinctly]

- He said I have three days
to decide.

- We should tread lightly.
Seamus Murphy is the head

of the most brutal crime family
in New York.

- This is bad.
This is really, really bad.

- Are you concerned about
Seamus Murphy,

Detective Scully,
or were you having trouble

with the jumble?
- Oh--the first one.

- Murphy didn't ask me
to do anything illegal.

He just wants me to owe him
a favor.

- Right, but we don't want
to be indebted

to a man like this.
- I understand,

but we've been watching Hawkins
for a month,

and we have nothing to connect
her to the robberies.

Maybe we should
pursue other routes.

- Um, some of us are already
pursuing other routes, Amy.

This is Charles Boyle,
and you're listening to

"Detective Peralta:
A God in Shackles."

But first: this podcast is
brought to you by Fun Frames--

make your spectacles
a spectacle.

- And how is your podcast
supposed to

get Jake out of prison?

- I lay out the facts,

people see he was framed.

I build an audience.
I get a celebrity listener.

It's Debra Messing.
She tweets a link.

Now Sean Hayes is involved.
- Boyle, that's enough.

- I know dealing with
a criminal is bad news,

but I can't just let
Jake sit in prison.

- Okay, maybe we can figure out
what Murphy knows

without taking his deal.
He says that Hawkins is

moving the diamonds
in three days.

That's a new lead.
Let's work it

instead of putting
your career in jeopardy.

- Okay, let's give it a shot.
- [giggling] Whoo-hoo!

That was also not
about the jumble.

We're all excited
about the same thing.

[purposeful tune]

- [as Batman]
Did you miss me?

[normally] Oh, my God!

It's Jake!
Don't kill me!

I was just doing Batman!
- What's wrong with you?

Never sneak up on me.

I was sharpening my shiv.
- Right, I'm sorry.

It's prison.
I forgot.

- What's up?
I'm busy, bitch.

- Well, all that time
in the hole kind of

got me thinking: I'm clearly
gonna be here for a while.

I wanna live my best
prison life, and for me,

that means doing more
for the gang.

Now I was thinking,
specifically, I'd be great

in and around
the world of drugs,

because, let's be honest:
I'm not great at murder.

What do you think?
- Nah, that's okay.

I don't need any help.
- Totally, totally.

You're great at what you do.
You don't need me.

But, maybe...
I could learn from you.

You know?
Sort of shadow you for a while

and see how
your operation runs.

Go from bitch to boss,
as it were.

- Jake, you stop pushing it.

You're gonna make me think
you're a snitch.

And you know what I do
to snitches?

- Give them
a public dressing down?

- Castrate them.
- [inhales sharply]

- And then I kick 'em to death.

- Cool--cool, specific policy.
Love the attitude, love you,

love all of this--okay, see you

in the mess hall, Romero.
Bye, Romero.

- Hey, I'm in a bind.
I need your help.

- That's what friends are for.
- Well, "friends" might be

a bit of a stretch.
I mean, you're a cannibal

that ate six people.
- 9 1/2.

- Yup, worse.
All right, here are my options:

A, I keep pestering Romero
to tell me where the drugs are,

he realizes I'm a snitch,
then he castrates me

and kicks me to death.
- That's not great.

What's option B?
- I back off Romero, never find

out where the drugs are,
the warden tells everyone

I'm a snitch,
and then Romero castrates me

and kicks me to death.
- Mm, both options sound...

- A little castrate-y?
Yeah, that's what I keep

bumping up against too.
- Well, you know, whenever

I'm backed into a corner,
I just do what I do best:

I drive across country,
forge a new identity,

and then take a job
as a camp counselor.

- Oh, my God.
Caleb, you're a genius.

- I wouldn't say genius.
That camp ran

a pretty extensive
background check.

- No, not that--your past is
a straight-up nightmare,

but I need to do
"what I do best":

be a cop, work the case,

figure out where the drugs are
on my own.

- And you tell the warden,
and the warden will

bust Romero.
- And Romero won't think

I'm a snitch, because he never
told me where they are.

All right, this is gonna
be tough.

I'm really gonna have to
thread the needle.

- Ooh! I got really good
at threading needles.

- Back when you were making
your skin suit, I know.

Look, I like being friends
with you, but you have to

stop bringing that up.
- But we're friends?

- [stammers]

- Moving $5 million
in diamonds

is not an everyday activity,

so Hawkins must be altering
her behavior.

- She's not.
I've been tailing her for days.

- Scully and I went out
to Flaxton Hill Farms

to watch the guy who testified
for Hawkins.

All he does is feed his pigs.

- They eat seven or eight meals
a day--

sometimes by force.
They're living the dream.

- You know they get
slaughtered.

- Worth it.
- Hey, I think

I found something interesting.
I was double-checking

last month's
surveillance photos,

and I noticed this.

Hawkins has two
different phones:

her normal cell,
and then this one

that only has one app
on the home screen--Snapchat.

- Oh, she's up to something.
Snapchat messages disappear.

You can send anything
to anybody,

and after they see it,
it's like I never sent it.

- Nobody ask Hitchcock
why he knows that.

- Could we put a mirroring app
on her phone

so we could watch
everything she does?

- Oh, those work great,
but you have to physically

have her phone to install it.

- Nobody ask Hitchcock
why he knows that.

- I know how we can get
Hawkins' phone.

We get her to visit prison.

They make you leave your phone
in your car.

I wanted to record Jake
for the podcast,

but they said I couldn't.
I had to have Terry on

as a guest.
- I gave up my Saturday

for that.
You said I did great.

- I'm the host.
I have to say that.

- So, all we need to do is get

Hawkins to visit
someone in prison.

- No, absolutely not.
What would I even say to her?

- Well, perhaps you could
ask her to put in

a good word for you
with the warden,

so you can get extra yard time.
- So, you want me to beg

the woman I hate for mercy.
Cool.

Oh, one problem.
How do I stop myself

from smashing through the glass
and squeezing

the life out of her
with my bare hands?

- Maybe you could
just imagine doing that.

It'd be probably just as fun
as actually doing it, right?

- No.
- I'm with Diaz.

Imagination is never
the solution.

We just need three minutes
to get inside her car

and install the app.

- Okay.
I can grovel for three minutes.

But one second more--
- Yes, yes, we know.

You burst through the glass
and squeeze the life out of her

with your bare hands.
Well...I think we have a plan.

[buzzer sounds]

- Don't let them see us.
Blend in.

- I gotta tell you, cop work is
a lot like cannibal work.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

The watching...

the following...

The waiting for soccer practice
to end.

- Come on, man.

- Did you see that?
Romero just went

into the showers
for the second time today.

- Well, maybe he just
likes to relax.

- No one is relaxed
in a prison shower.

It's literally
the most tense situation

I've ever been in.

What's he doing in there?

That must be where he stashes
the Blizz.

Unless he's just having sex--
no, but he's a huge homophobe.

It's where he stashes
the Blizz.

But...all homophobes are
secretly gay.

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

We'll check it out later,

when he's done.

- Hawkins must be through
security by now.

Rosa promised us three minutes,
tops.

We'll get the phone.
Captain Holt,

can you distract
the lot attendant?

- I'm not Captain Holt.

I'm Joe Wozniak,

here to see my girl in prison.

And, to help me pass
as a straight...

Kevin's rose-shearing hat.

[tense music]

*

- Little Rosa Diaz.

So, I hear you want me
to put in a good word for you

with the warden?

- Yes.

- "Yes," what?

- Yes...please.

- I love this.
This is so much fun for me.

- Can I help you?
- I'm just trying

to work up the nerve
to see her.

- See who?
- My female wife, Crystal.

I was cheating on her
with a waitress from Wing Sluts

named Jamie-Lynn.
One night,

when I was...philandering,
Crystal caught me

kissing Jamie-Lynn's...
heavy breasts.

She flew into a rage,
and now she's serving

five years
for aggravated assault.

- Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah, thanks, man.

Hey.
Bring it in?

Oh...
[inhales deeply]

- That's the signal.
Go!

- [sighs happily]

- Oh, the phone!

*

- Pretty please?
- More.

- With sugar on top?
- More.

- You should've
seen Jamie-Lynn.

She looked exactly like

"Maxim" Hot 100 honoree
Jasmine Sanders.

- 35 seconds on the download.

- It just seems like
you wanna be with Jamie-Lynn.

I mean, you keep talking
about her thigh gap.

- That's my favorite part
of a woman.

There's nothing
more intoxicating

than the clear absence
of a penis.

But, you're right.
I need to forget about Crystal.

Thanks for the advice.

I'm off to...
plow my mistress.

- More.

- Time's up.

[rock music]

*

[both shouting, grunting]

- Diaz.

Hello?
Diaz!

You don't even beg well.
Have fun rotting in prison.

[receiver slams]
- Okay.

Thanks for coming in.

- So, you really think
this is where

Romero's stashing the drugs?

- I mean, it's a good idea.
There's no cameras in here.

What does Blizz look like?
- Like little white candies.

- Oh, I love candies--many say,
to the point that

it'll eventually kill me.

Hey, I found something.

Oh, twinsies.

What is this?
A melon baller?

Wait a minute.

Romero doesn't stash
the drugs in here.

He comes in here
to make the Blizz balls.

- So, he brings a brick
of drugs into the shower

without getting noticed?
- Yeah...

Oh, my God.

He smuggles the Blizz
into the prison in--

- The soap dish.
- No, in the soap.

It's in the soap.
- Oh, yeah!

That's much better.
I get it.

- I did it!
I cracked the case!

Hey, you don't think
you can get high

from rubbing drugs on, like,
your eyes and armpits

and up under your b-parts,
can you?

Whoop, you definitely can.
Here it comes.

Whoa-oh-oh, Caleb!

- And you know what else
I think--are you listening?

Huh? Are you, Mr. Warden?
I think we should be able

to decorate our own cells,
don't you? I mean, choose

our own wallpaper,
laminated flooring,

crown molding--my friend
Charles loves crown molding.

He says if it doesn't
have the crown,

you have to vote it down.
- Are you on drugs?

- Yes, and you should too,
you know? Get on my level.

Because quite frankly, we're
not on the same wavelength,

At agg--at agg, at agg.

That's weird, I can't say
the word "agg" anymore.

- Yup, you've done
a ton of Blizz.

- Yes, Blizz!
That's why I'm here.

Wait, why am I here?

- Blizz.
- Yes! Romero is smuggling

the Blizz into the prison
as bars of soap.

- Interesting.
Hey, that's good work.

- I know!
I am the smartest man

of agg time!
"Agg time."

Agg time!

Agg time!
That was it.

[door slams, Jake yelps]

Oh, man, I have
a lot of energy.

Wait, no--I'm exhausted.

I wonder if I can
touch the ceiling.

[grunting]

- Peralta.
- [gasps softly]

- Rombargo.

- Where were you
with that guard?

- Great question.

- [huffs] When is Hawkins gonna
unlock her phone?

We've been staring
at her stupid face

for 14 hours.
- I don't mind.

- This is a dead end.
Maybe I should call

Seamus Murphy
before it's too late.

- I thought we agreed
that's a bad idea.

- What other options
do we have?

- There is still the podcast.

- Guys, she unlocked the phone.

She's in the app
and she's typing.

"Diamond emoji in locker 805.

Bus station, Linden, NJ.
Pickup 5:15."

- We have one hour.
Let's move.

- Answer the question.

Why were you coming out
of the admin wing

with a guard?
- Um...

Okay, Jake!
Don't freak out.

Just stay calm.
You're on a crazy amount

of Blizz, but your brain
still works.

The warden was yelling at me.

- Are you on Blizz?
- What?

[chuckles]
What makes you think that?

- 'Cause you just told us.

- Okay, Jake.

Don't freak out.
Just stay calm.

You're on a crazy amount
of Blizz,

but your brain
still works.

Yep, I am nips-deep in Blizz.

- Nice.
[laughs]

I was worried
you were still a cop,

but what kind of cop
does that much meth? [laughs]

- Well, no, no, not meth.
Blizz.

- Yeah, that's meth.
We just call it Blizz

'cause meth has a bit
of an image problem.

- Oh!
Oh, my God,

I guess I'm addicted to meth.

No, I'm not.
I just love it

and I am consumed
with the thought

of doing it again.

- So, now I know
I can trust you, huh?

I can tell you how
I smuggle in the Blizz.

- Oh, no, no, no.
You don't have to tell me that.

I don't even wanna know.
- As bars of soap.

- [sighing] Oh.

Smart.
- Congratulations.

You're one of only
two people who know.

- Ah...that's great.

Glad to be part of
such an elite group.

You know what?

I think my Blizz
is wearing off.

I should probably go lie down.
- Yeah.

The diarrhea's coming.
That is very common.

Don't let the volume scare you.

- Wait.

Volume as in noise or amount?

Oh, God, it's both, isn't it?
[inhales sharply]

- Okay, I've got eyes
on locker 805.

- I'm within sight
of both exits.

- Copy that.
It's almost five.

Where's Boyle?
- Shalom, Amy.

- Charles, what are you doing?

- Taking this undercover
mission seriously.

Seems like I'm the only one.
- It's a bus station.

We don't need disguises.
Anyone can be here.

- [scoffs]
Typical shiksa.

- I see movement at the locker.

He's opening 805!
Let's go!

- NYPD!
Get down!

- Down!
- Drop your bag.

[exciting music]

*

- No diamonds, just...this.

[phone ringing]

Hello?
- It's Hawkins.

When will you learn
that you will never beat me?

- You're not gonna
get away with this.

We're gonna take you down.
- It's over, Holt.

Checkmate.
Knight's bishop to queen five.

Buh-bye now.

[phone line beeps]

- She set us up.

- [sighs] Oy vey.

- What do you want, Peralta?
- Stop everything.

Romero told me that the Blizz
is in the soap.

If you take away his supply,

he'll know I'm the snitch

and kill me.
- Nah, sorry.

I already made the report
to my bosses,

and they were very pleased.

Glen couldn't stop smiling.
Glen?

You don't know
what a big deal that is.

Anyway, you're too late.

We're confiscating
all of Romero's soap

as we speak.
- Okay, how about this?

Throw me in solitary.
Right?

That way, Romero
can't get to me.

- No, Glen's already
coming down on me

about giving
too much solitary.

And I don't wanna
piss off Glen.

Obviously.
- What if I spit on you?

You're the warden, right?
That's gotta be

at least a month in the hole.

Oh, man,
my mouth is all dried out

from doing the meth.
That's why you don't do meth.

[sarcastically] Ah, oh, no, no!
Don't tase me, man!

Remember that?
So funny--but don't.

- I don't understand.

How did she know we were
mirroring her phone?

- We had one chance,
and we blew it!

- I know you're upset,
but it's really hard

to take you seriously
when you still look like that.

- I used Broadway-caliber
spirit gum.

This baby is fused
to my cheeks.

- Squad,
I think I'm onto something.

I was listening to an episode

of Boyle's podcast.

- Not the one Terry was on,
I hope.

- No, of course not.

That one was problematic.

- What did I do
that was so wrong?

- It was the episode
about Flaxton Hill Farms.

The part where Scully said

the pigs were being force-fed.

These pigs weigh
more than 200 pounds,

which means
they're finishing pigs.

And why would a farmer
force-feed a finishing pig?

- I don't know
what finishing pigs are.

- Me neither.
- I'm totally lost.

- Because he was feeding them

something other than food!

- The diamonds!

She's moving them
inside the pigs!

- Let's move.

- I still don't get it.
- Nobody does.

They're just pretending.

- I can't believe this.

I'm gonna die in here, and then

you're gonna eat
my castrated body.

- I guess, but it'd be
a pretty boring meal

without dessert.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, no.
Romero's headed towards us.

And he looks angry.
- Well, he always looks angry.

Maybe it's not directed
at you.

No, now he's pointing at you.

This is bad.
- Yeah, I know it's bad.

- The warden took my entire
stash of soap.

Apparently, someone told him
it was Blizz.

- And you want me to help you
figure out who it was.

Well, it was Tank.
- No, it wasn't.

- Yeah, it wasn't Tank.
It was me.

Tank, I came clean
and saved your life.

Now you owe me.
- No I don't.

- I told you what
I do to snitches.

- Hold it, Romero.
- Caleb, what are you doing?

- It's okay, Jake.
I got this.

Peralta is my best friend.

If you wanna kill him,
you're gonna have to

kill me first,
because friendship...

[grunts] Oh, my God,
he stabbed me, Jake!

- Everybody,
get on the ground!

Now!
- You're next, Peralta.

You better sleep
with one eye open.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow.

He poked me in my tummy.

- Are you sure?
I need you to be sure.

- You were right.

Pigs' stomachs
were full of diamonds.

- That's it.

Everyone on the ground!

- Put down your weapons!
- You're being recorded

for a podcast!
You will sign a consent form.

- What's going on here?
- We found the diamonds

and Langdon confessed.

- It's over, Hawkins.

Pawn to king square five,

king's knight
to the third square

on the bishop's file,
queen takes on F7!

Checkmate!
Now, that's a chess move.

Buh-bye now.

- [scoffs]

- Peralta.
- [shouts]

Warden.

- Your squad busted
Melanie Hawkins.

- What?

- You're getting out.
Come with me.

- Okay.

Wait.
Can I do one thing first?

I wanted to say good-bye.

I can't believe you saved
my life.

- I would not do it again.

It really hurt.
- Yeah--but you did do it.

- And I regret it so much.

- Caleb, you're ruining this.

Look, I just wanted to say
thank you for everything.

You got me through this.
I'm gonna miss you.

- Aww.

Put her there, pal.

[both screaming]
- Guards, guards!

- Ladies and gentlemen,
please give

a warm Nine-Nine welcome

to Jake Peralta and Rosa Diaz!

[cheers and applause]

- Ah, it's so good to be back.
- Amen, brother.

- Can I buy a free man a drink?

- I'd rather have a drink
of that mouth.

both: Ugh.
- I'm sorry, I just...

I love you.
- I love you too.

- Hello, I'm also back.

- Hey, Rosa.
- So, I heard you spent

some time in solitary.
Pretty dope, right?

- Uh...

[as Mufasa] Scar,
Sarabi and I didn't see you

at the presentation of Simba.

[as Scar]
Oh, Mufasa, did I miss it?

That's simply...awful.

I handled it well.

- Sir, I can't believe
your obscure knowledge

of pig-feeding charts saved us.
How did you even think of that?

- Frankly, I'm embarrassed
it took so long.

I should've realized the second
I saw those hogs.

[phone vibrating]

Excuse me.

Hello?
- So, Captain Holt,

did my information
prove useful?

Were the diamonds in the pigs?

- Yes, you were right.
- Good.

And now you owe me a favor.

And don't even think
about screwing me.

[phone beeps]

- Captain, we're doing toasts.

Everyone, raise your drinks!

the 99th precinct is officially
all back together!

Nine-Nine!

all: Nine-Nine!

- Not a doctor.
Shh.