Original subtitles

♪♪

Okay... hole me.

- Mm! - Nothin' but mouth.

- Whoa, impressive. - Are you kidding me?

That's uh-nothing.

Diaz has been chucking D-holes

into my mouth-piece since we were back at the academy.

Check this out.

♪ Oh! ♪

- ♪ Express yourself ♪ - ♪ I'm expressing ♪

♪ With my full capabilities and now I'm living ♪

♪ In correctional facilities ♪

♪ 'Cause some don't agree with how I do this ♪

♪♪

♪ Droppin' flavor my behavior is hereditary ♪

♪ But my technique is very necessary ♪

♪ Blame it on Ice Cube ♪

- ♪ Because he said it gets ♪ - Oh!

- Oh! - Uh-oh.

Heads!

What the...?

It's finally happening!

♪♪ Upbeat music... *BROOKLYN NINE-NINE* Season 05 Episode 06 Title: "The Venue"

♪♪

♪♪

Attention, Nine-Nine. We have an announcement.

"Shrek Live" is coming back to Broadway!

- Nope, you dreamed that. - Aw.

We just came in here to tell you to save the date,

because we're getting married on May 15th.

We found a venue!

Wow!

Finding a place in the spring in New York is impossible.

Sharon and I had to get married in Albany in December.

Terry was too cold to consummate.

- Hm, good to know. - We got really lucky.

The place was booked solid for the next two years, but a couple fell out.

Of a fifth-floor window.

She was teetering and he tried to grab her...

Babe, we agreed we wouldn't talk about that part.

Right... sorry. It was gruesome.

Never again. The EMTs said that

it was a meat pancake. I'm done.

So, tell us about the venue.

Oh, well, there's not much to tell...

other than it's a gorgeous mansion!

- Big ol' house! - With a professional kitchen.

- Chop-chop, y'all! - Ooh.

A private library for the ceremony.

- My girl loves books! - Seven bathrooms!

No lines, ladies!

And an outdoor reception area.

Uh-can I get a gazebo?

I apologize to a host of communities.

The point is, these nuptials are going to be "toit"!

Speaking of "toit nups," we better get going,

because we don't have a lot of time and we have

to meet with 17 wedding vendors.

A jam-packed schedule that could only be achieved

by a type-A personality!

- Jake. - Yep, we gotta go.

I have some unfortunate news.

An NYPD officer has gone missing.

The department suspects foul play.

Oh, my God. Do we know the officer?

Yes, it's...

Sergeant Peanut Butter.

- My nemesis. - Your nemesis is a horse?

Are you still mad at Peanut Butter

because he won a medal the same day as you?

He totally upstaged me. He Tucci-ed me!

Look what you get if you do an image search

of "Charles Boyle, medal of valor."

Huh? They cropped me out of my own photo!

You just keep that tab open on your phone all the time?

No, I just looked it up real fast. You didn't see.

Captain, I solved it. Charles kidnapped Peanut Butter.

Ha, ha! I did not. But it's no surprise that somebody did.

Hey, my kids love that horse.

Your kids need help wiping their butts, Sarge.

They're not exactly geniuses.

The actual suspect is Jesse Gurmwald,

a disgruntled civilian admin

who was recently fired by the mounted unit.

He's gone to ground, but detectives throughout

the city are checking every possible hideout.

Diaz, Boyle: here's a list of locations in our precinct.

- Be thorough. - Yes, sir.

And just to be clear,

if I went missing, you guys would conduct

an equally thorough search, right?

You should get going.

So, we can wrap it in silk,

or, for a more rustic feel... burlap.

Oh... that's neat, but...

We want these nups to be toit.

- Excuse me? - Could we wrap the flowers

in "New York Times" crossword puzzles from key dates in our lives?

Oh... is that something you'd like?

Uh, boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Here's the deposit.

I designed you a signature cocktail.

I call it the "Peraltiago."

Ooh!

♪♪ Upbeat music...

Mm... and the judges give it a score of...

Jeremy, did you make that cake that I called you about?

Yes, I wasn't entirely sure if you were joking or not, but...

A Nakatomi Plaza cake?

The groom is on a licorice hose.

Welcome to the wedding, pal.

Oh, Amy.

These nups may be getting too toit.

Since Diaz and Boyle are searching for Peanut Butter,

I need you to be available to work any cases that might come in.

Of course, Captain. My pleasure.

Morning, Amanda.

Oh, and I thought we should transfer

the Glenmoore assault to the Nine-Eight.

Absolutely. Brian.

Looking swole.

You're looking swole. Is today leg day?

Legs for an hour, two hours blasting the glutes.

Terry's got butt for days!

Excuse me?

I said, "Terry's got butt for days!"

Please stop talking about my body.

- What? - I'm Teri.

You just said I had "butt for days."

Oh, I see what just happened.

Terry's gonna regret this.

- Are you threatening me? - No!

No, no. This is a misunderstanding.

My name is also Terry, and I was talking about my butt.

So you were complimenting your own body?

Well, I'm pretty proud of it.

Do you know how old I am?

Okay. Apology accepted.

Seems pretty arrogant, though.

This might not be the right time,

but talking about yourself in the third person

- has finally... - Terry knows!

- I love our venue so much. - Me too.

It's like our very own Hogwarts.

- Yes! And I'm Hermione. - Yes! And I am Snape.

- What? - I never realized I could

have feelings this strong about a building.

Okay, we just have to drop off our deposit,

and then we're done for the day.

Well, it would appear that we have achieved

what scholars refer to as the "toitest of nups"!

Indeed!

Ooh!

Oh, hi Susan.

- Hey. - We're normal people.

Hi, I was just about to call you guys.

Ah, well, no need to call, because we are here.

- And we've got our deposit. - Thank you so much.

We just booked all our vendors. It's really happening.

Yeah, about that...

Wait, what's wrong? Something's wrong.

That's the look my mom gave me right before

she told me that my dad left.

Oh, God, did my dad leave my mom again?

- How do you know my mom and dad? - You know, I'm so sorry.

There must have been a mix-up.

Someone just contacted my manager

and booked the venue before you got here.

But we had an oral agreement.

You said we had until the end of the day... EOD.

It's not EOD. The D hasn't E'd.

It won't be E'd for ages!

I'm sorry. It's out of my hands, you know?

Someone just swooped in and got it.

Wait. Susan... Susan!

Who? Who would do that?

Amy, we had something great in the palm of our hands,

and then someone swooped in at the last minute and stole it?

There's only one person who would do that.

No. But... it couldn't be!

Ah, but it is.

The Vulture!

Suckers.

Oh, no. Our nups have been un-toitened.

We've got loose nups.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's your game here, Vulture, huh?

Why are you renting our venue?

Why do you think, meat farts?

- I'm getting married. - Really?

You once told me that marriage is for women and gays.

And that the only thing you're married to is banging married chicks.

Yeah, and I meant it all.

But love? Love hath changed me.

No it hathn't. You just vultured our venue.

Yeah, but I did it for love.

My fiancée, she means everything to me.

You know, she's hot like a chick, she's smart like a guy.

Just talking to her gives me a Harrelson.

- Harrelson? - Woody.

- Ew. - Yeah.

Look, I know I've become that gross, sappy guy,

but dude, she's the first chick I ever wanted

to hang out with post-bang.

I can't believe a real person has agreed to marry you.

Oh, my lady's real, all right.

Her name is Jean Munhroe,

and we complete the living hell out of each other...

sometimes twice a night.

Hey, you know what?

I need to handle this right now.

Look, I know how hard it is to find a venue.

But if it could happen for me, it could happen for you.

It happened for you because it did happen for us.

Chins up, dingdongs.

I'm trying to be happy over here.

Ugh.

Jake, what are we gonna do?

We already gave deposits to all our vendors.

We're gonna get this place back.

How? The Vulture's not gonna budge.

Yeah, maybe, but he does have a weak spot: his woman.

Not that women are weak. Just, she's our best shot,

- and she happens to be a woman. - Totally.

Let's go talk to that spineless skank.

Yeah.

Why do we even have police horses anymore?

We have motorcycles now. They're faster, cooler.

They also don't get boners in the background

of every photo of you and the mayor.

What do you mean? A horse is a perfect partner.

Tough, scary, and they don't show you

30 pictures of their kid dressed as Wario for Halloween.

I'm not talking about Nikolaj.

I literally just showed you those pictures five minutes ago.

Really? I don't remember that.

Hmm.

♪♪ Tense music...

NYPD! Hands where we can see 'em!

Step away from Peanut Butter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?

You guys thought you could catch me?

I'll head him off.

Fine, I'll get the dumb horse.

All right. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Come on, you idiot!

Run!

Ugh, you dumb horse.

Ha!

Peanut Butter!

Stop! Peanut Butter, stop!

- Stop! - Boyle!

Just let go!

Okay, we have to force the She-Vulture,

Jean Munhroe, to give us our venue back, so put on your game face,

'cause we're about to stare down the devil.

Devil can't stare if the devil's got tears in her eyes

and blood in her ears.

Oh, I love your intensity.

All right, this is where she works.

"The Zenith Fund."

Ulch, it even sounds evil.

Of course it is. She's marrying the Vulture.

Everything about her is evil.

Time to enter the den of bastards who deserve to die.

All right, snake, show your face... it's a charity.

Amy, it's a charity.

Look at this: "Jean, your selflessness

"puts us all to shame. Humbled, Michelle Obama."

Damn, Jean.

Hi. Can I help you?

Uh, yes. We're looking for Jean Munhroe.

- We know her fiancé. - Oh, I'm Jean.

Are you Jake and Amy?

Keith has told me all about you.

- He says you guys are the best. - Really?

- Keith says that? - Yeah... oh, Janice?

That village needs rice. Double the last shipment.

Just take the overage out of my paycheck.

So, what brings you guys to the Zenith Fund?

Uh... actually, something super important...

Oh, I am so sorry.

- I've gotta take this. - Mm-hmm.

What do you mean, "roadblock"?

Do I have to fly down there and talk to the rebels myself?

Just get the rice to those kids.

Asante sana, Rafiki.

Sorry about that.

Wow, your job sounds very intense.

No, no, no, it's nothing compared to what

these children go through on a daily basis.

It really puts things in perspective.

- Right. - So,

what was the important thing

you came down here to talk about?

Uh... the kids.

- And the rice. - And...

putting the rice... in the kids.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have two new donors!

Yay!

Ooh, there's a bell.

Oh!

Do y'all have an ATM?

Sir, can I get $350 in petty cash?

I need to throw an ice cream party for Teri-with-an-I, make sure

- there's no hard feelings. - Why?

She gets it was a misunderstanding.

She's a Teri, and you're a Terrance who,

even though he's not a child, still goes by a nickname ending in a Y.

I mean, don't people call you Ray?

How dare you.

Sir, I don't want any tension

between the squad and the uniformed officers.

I'm just thinking about the precinct.

You're lying.

You're upset because Teri-with-an-I called you

arrogant, and you have a pathological need to be liked.

What? No, I don't.

I just happen to be a great person

who's naturally beloved by all...

despite my personal ambivalence.

Well, if that's true, then you won't mind walking across the bullpen

without saying hello to anybody.

No problem.

No nods allowed.

What?

Okay, it's gonna be okay.

You're a busy sergeant.

They can't always expect you to be friendly.

Time to go to frown town.

Let's do this, Jeffords.

- Hey, Sarge. - Bill!

What up, man?

♪♪ Dramatic music...

You were right.

Terry loves to be loved!

Hey, Monica! Hey, Dough.

Ooh, who wants a nod?

Hey. Any luck finding a new venue

- that's available on May 15th? - Yeah.

May 15, 2026.

Please tell me the vendors are giving us back

- our deposits. - Yes.

One of them. The photographer.

Provided that you hang out with him,

so how do you feel about spending the weekend

on his houseboat in Yonkers?

Ugh, Jake.

Forget the perfect wedding.

- We're screwed. - I know.

I can't believe that saint of a woman is actually marrying the Vulture.

Maybe he's changed.

- How is that even possible? - I don't know.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

The Vulture's not the Vulture, good is bad, up is down,

there's a young pope, winter has come.

That reminds me: I ordered some premium cable channels.

Hitchcock? What was that sound?

I just got an alert from my hookup app.

I'm about to boink with a local single in my area.

- Ames. - Jake.

- Ames. - Jake!

- Ames! - Jake!

Up is up, down is down, the Vulture still boinks!

I need to handle this right now.

I can't believe that bastard is cheating on nice Jean.

We have to save her. We have to break them up.

- For nice Jean! - And the starving kids.

- And Michelle Obama. - And a little side benefit:

if we break them up, we get our venue back.

Yes, but the main reason is to save a wonderful person

from making a horrible mistake.

Of course. That's obviously the point.

The venue is just secondary.

What venue? We're great people.

Hey, Jake.

See?

Okay, so the Vulture is cheating on Jean Munhroe,

which totally tracks, because he is the epitome of awful.

- Ooh, nice use of "epitome." - Thanks, babe.

My question is, why pretend to change?

I mean, why get married at all?

I'll tell you why.

Because Jean's dad is worth $100 million,

and she's his only heir.

Then why did she need our $1,000?

I mean, I'm so happy we gave the money

so the kids could have rice and et cetera.

- So, how do we break them up? - Simple.

We catfish him with Hitchcock's hookup app.

Then, when he takes the bait, we make him end things

with Jean respectfully and gently.

Perfect. She hurts for a bit,

but she eventually moves on, and she finds

a much better man.

Yes. And as a distant, secondary benefit, we get the mansion back.

Agreed. Okay.

So, let's create a temptress

- that will boink-match with him. - Yeah.

- What's the sexiest name? - Valerie.

That was fast. Do you know a Valerie?

No. I wish.

All right, she's 19,

from Daytona, and her job is "spray tannist."

Ugh, "tannist." Not a real word.

- It's perfect. - Yeah.

Okay, she's into

spring break, bong rips, slurping shots,

and crop tops that say "little cutie."

- Noice. - She is not into...

nerds, wearing pants, needy guys, monogamy,

or feminism, and her quote is,

"Whatever happened to 'Girls Gone Wild'?"

This Valerie sounds like a real pill.

Okay. Let's see who our matches are.

Here we go.

Uh-huh.

Gross, mm-hmm.

Oh, Hitchcock.

I mean, "Dave, age 28"?

- Ugh. - Come on.

- Oh! - Gotcha.

There he is. All right.

And so begins the delicate dance.

We begin with a simple hello.

And then we wait, so as not to seem too aggressive...

No, he sent us a picture of his penis!

Oh, God, he just sent 15 more.

Oh, God, it's horrible. But it's wonderful.

We're gonna save Jean!

Yes, and we're gonna get the mansion back!

- Oh, no. - Yeah, he put a little hat on it.

Ugh.

Hey, there you are.

- You okay? - Yeah, no burns.

The doctor said I was lucky my body was so damp.

- So why did it take so long? - Well, the EMT spent

loads of time on Peanut Butter.

But you know what?

I don't care, because I saved that dumb horse, so I'm the hero.

And this time, when I get my medal, my whole face will be in the picture.

- You haven't seen "The Post," have you? - What? No.

- Why? - Somebody was walking

by the fire and took a picture on their cell phone.

What? That's not what happened. I saved him.

That's not how they're reporting it.

No, look. "Daily News" got it right.

Yeah.

"Hero Cop Saves Helpless Buffoon."

Oh, no. Am I the buffoon?

Uh-oh, dropped your phone. Now we'll never know.

Wait.

There was a dash cam in the car.

We have footage of what really happened!

Brass already called. They don't want us releasing that footage.

A hero horse is good PR for the department.

Hey, man, uh... Peanut Butter's going on "Ellen."

"Ellen"? That's my dream!

Now he gets to dance with DJ tWitch!

What's going on here?

I'm throwing Teri-with-an-I's party with my own money.

I didn't know her favorite kind of ice cream,

so I printed a photo of her and showed it

to all the ice cream places within 30 blocks.

Nobody recognized her, so I got every flavor... 200 pints.

This is the greatest day of my life.

Have you considered this Teri-with-an-I might not

- be an ice cream person? - I did think that.

That's why there's a taco bar coming.

- Yes. - Plus barbecue.

- Yes. - Plus a popcorn guy.

- Yes. - Plus vegan options.

- Why? - Sergeant,

you've become unhinged.

There's always gonna be people in this world

who don't like you. That's a fact of life.

I hear you, sir.

But I hate the feeling of people being mad at me.

So what?

I was voted least friendly in high school,

and here I am, a police captain.

Do you know what Mr. Popularity

Vincent Mondale is doing these days?

He's a sociologist, for God's sake.

Sociologist, Terry.

I'm sorry, but I gotta do this.

Okay, but just know...

if you go through with this party,

I will like you less.

♪♪ Dramatic music...

Hello, Vulture. Got a minute?

Doesn't matter. We don't care.

Let me guess. You guys are here to cry

about the wedding venue that I stole from you

- fair and square, right? - No.

Actually, we wanna talk to you about some other things.

Like spring break, slurping shots,

and hating pants.

Wait a second, why does that sound familiar?

I don't know. Maybe you should ask... Valerie.

Yeah, that's right. We catfished you.

- Boom. - You're Valerie?

Ah, I can't believe I actually wasted

my sweet dong snaps on you bozos.

All right, here's how this is gonna go.

You are gonna break up with Jean,

because we all know you're just marrying her for her money.

You're gonna do it nicely and respectfully,

and you're gonna make a generous donation

- to her charity. - Nice touch, Ames.

You guys got it all wrong.

I don't care that she's rich.

Look, I love her. I just got spooked.

You put a vulture into a cage, and...

It freaks out.

Actually, vultures do very well in captivity

- and they mate for life. - Research burn.

All right, look. I'm deleting the app from my phone as we speak, okay?

Come on. Jean's over 30.

No amount of money in the entire world

could make me marry a woman that old.

But love can. And will.

You have two options.

Either you break up with her...

Or we send her the penis pics...

even the one next to the... I'm guessing, a mini soda can?

- Nah, it was regular size. - Really?

Oh, Jean's here. So what's it gonna be?

You gonna tell her, or do we have to?

- I've changed. - Nope.

- I won't do it again. - Nope.

I'll give you the venue.

- Oh. - What's that?

I'll give you the venue if you don't say anything,

but if you do, I'm gonna keep it.

Even if she and I break up, all right? I love her.

I promise you this.

- Deal. - Okay.

Now just act normal, please.

Oh, wow. What a surprise.

- My donors. - Hello, Jean Munhroe!

Nice to see you, Jean Munhroe!

You all looked so intense when I got here.

What were you talking about?

- Crime scene. - Soup.

Uh... soup crime scene.

The Chowder Killer's back at it again.

Oh, I haven't heard of him.

Yeah, well, he just moved to Manhattan...

from New England.

You guys are so lucky to all work together.

Oh, my gosh, what is Keith like at work?

Aw, Keith? Our Keith?

Well, he's a real crack-up,

I'll tell you that for free.

We have so many inside jokes.

- So many inside jokes. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, guys... potato salad?

You wouldn't understand. It's from work.

Oh, my gosh, you guys are so crazy.

Yeah.

So how did you two meet?

Oh, someone stole from my charity,

and another detective was working on the case so hard

for months, and Keith came in,

and solved it right away.

Swooped in like an eagle.

That's why my nickname's the Eagle.

- Right, guys? - Yep.

Everyone calls him...

The Eagle.

So, when did you decide to propose?

Oh... ah, well, we were just hanging out one night,

and I looked over at Amy and it hit me.

She's incredible and my best friend,

and I just knew in that moment...

I wanted to spend my life with her.

I know what you mean. Keith and I are the same way.

It is so nice to finally find someone I can trust.

Oh, boy.

- I can't do this. - Yeah, it's bad.

Jean, we have to show you something.

- No! - A penis? Why?

Yep, should've explained it first.

Reese Witherspoon is optioning the Peanut Butter story?

- What? - Forget that dumb horse.

Have you seen this?

"Exclusive Dash Cam Footage Reveals

Hero Cop Saved Sergeant Peanut Butter."

I don't understand. How'd they get this?

Somebody must have leaked it.

Perfect partner isn't a horse.

The perfect partner is somebody who, no matter how much they hate you,

would run through a fire to save your life.

Aw. Thank you, Rosa.

You're welcome. All right, come with me.

We're going to Shaw's.

- Whoa, all this is for me? - Yep.

You saved Peanut Butter, even though he's a dick.

- He is a dick. - To Charles Boyle, everybody!

To Charles Boyle!

Thanks, guys.

So, Terry, you decided not to throw a party

- for Teri-with-an-I? - You were right.

Why bother trying to win over a stranger

when I can make someone I care about happy instead?

Well, for the record, Jeffords...

I like you a lot and I always have.

All right. Whatever.

I taught him well.

Who am I kidding? Terry needs a hug!

Mm?

♪♪ Upbeat music...

Hey, I'm still a little shaken up.

- We did the right thing, right? - Yes, definitely.

She's way better off without him.

And she let him know it.

Yeah, for a human angel, girl could throw down.

I hate wasting rice...

but I hate you more!

She may be the coolest woman I've ever met.

- Yeah. - So, what's up with the wedding?

Do we need to find a new venue?

Actually, we found a place that's available on the same date.

- Ooh, is it another mansion? - No, it is not.

Listen up, everybody!

We are getting married

- in a public rec center! - Super cheap!

- On a basketball court! - Squeak-squeak!

- With one working bathroom! - Ladies gotta wait!

And it's in deep Staten Island.

Destination wedding, y'all!

But the point is,

these nuptials are still gonna be... mad toit.

I would marry you in a dumpster.

Aww, I would marry you in a dumpster.

Dudes, the Vulture's throwing

an all-girl pudding wrestling party in a mansion in May!

It's the only important thing happening that day!

- After party? - Fits our budget.