Original subtitles

Good morning, winner.

Take a deep breath.

Good.

You're ready to dominate this day.

You've worked harder than everyone,

and that is why you're a champion.

You understand that greatness takes sacrifice.

Visualize what you still want to achieve.

Stand atop the mountain of your success

and look down at everyone

who's ever doubted you.

Fuck those losers.

Fuck them in their stupid fucking faces.

Hey!

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, shit.

Hold the phone!

I'm comin'!

Oh, shit.

Whoo!

- What? - What? Excuse me.

- Oh, oh. - What?

- Oh. - What?

- Hey. - What?

- Missed ya! - I missed you.

- I missed you so much. - It's been one night.

- Are we gonna go to school, or... - No.

I don't think we are.

No, we're just gonna stay... here.

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- Move! - Jeez!

Are you...

- Whoo! - I swear to God.

- Whoo! - What are you doing?

- Are you kidding me? Samantha! - You couldn't have just gone around?

Where was this energy at my inauguration assembly, folks?

True.

I hope I never have to see any of you ever again, okay?

That's it. Signin' off.

Go, Crocketts!

Boom.

- Principal Brown? - Oh...

Hi, Molly, Amy. What's shakin'?

I want to make the transition of next year's student government

as seamless as possible,

- so that when I'm up in New Haven... - Yale. You can just say Yale, please.

Well, our class's official policy is to not discuss

where anyone is attending next year.

We don't want them to feel insecure.

Very thoughtful.

I need to go over the end of the year budget numbers we have.

Gosh.

Really?

Like, now?

I mean, why don't you do it with Nick? You know, please?

I mean, he's... you know, he's the vice president.

Nick?

Oh!

We both know that Nick only ran for VP because they plan the dances.

That position is...

It's basically a popularity contest. He's useless.

Ladies, it's the last day, you know?

We did it, huh?

We got you through high school.

Can't we just graduate, head off to college,

you know, celebrate this wonderful achievement?

Let's get through the day without anything horrible happening.

Sorry, are you shutting the door on us? Not subtle. We will persist!

Nick's like the great equalizer.

Delegates from every group of girls are casting their ballots for his penis.

Oh, Triple A takes the lead.

Don't call her that.

Everybody calls her that.

She gave roadside assistance to three senior guys last year.

You hear them getting degrading nicknames?

They call Sam Ross "Dick Splinter."

That's not derogatory, it's a factual description.

- 7:20. - Under eight minutes?

- You're joking! - Aah!

Oh, my God. 9:43.

What am I gonna do without you girls next year?

Nobody around here even attempts the Thursday.

Well, Amy and I are gonna Skype the puzzle every single week,

- so we will send you our Sunday Times. - Yep.

You know what? Why don't I just give you two my number?

That way, you guys can call or text me if you need anything.

- Yeah! That would make our lives. - Yeah. Cool.

- We'd love that. - Definitely.

- I'll give you mine after. - I'll share the contact.

- I can give... - I'll share it.

Wait. Miss Fine, I thought there were no cell phones allowed in class.

- Or are there exceptions for ass-kissers? - Hey.

A dollar in the swear jar.

I'm so sorry. These shorts, they don't have pockets.

- Okay, excuse me. Excuse me. Jesus Christ! - Whoa, Triple A!

Oh, my God.

- No spatial awareness at this school. - People just really don't.

- Hey, Amy? - It's her!

Yeah?

Did you just score your teacher's phone number?

Yeah.

Nice.

Hey, Miss Fine?

You should come party with us tonight.

Did you just ask Miss Fine if she wants to party with you?

You think she wants to watch you get drunk and break things?

Hold on. I was having a conversation with her. You're not part of this.

- I'm... - Sit down, Theo.

Yo, yo. What up, Miss Fine?

Just a last day present for my favorite teach.

- Jared, you are not my student. - I've heard great things.

And, hey, everybody else got their graduation gifts, right?

Come on.

Jare Bear coming at you from all angles, right?

- Nobody asked for that. - Uhh...

Big me, littler me, little baby Jared at the bottom.

Baby Jared says, "Happy graduation, everybody!"

Yeah, no one's gonna wear a shirt with your face on it, Jared.

Like, not even ironically.

Okay, well, agree to disagree, 'cause...

Jared, just go.

I'm out of here. Wasn't even here. See you, Molly.

- Bye, Molly. - I'll see ya.

Bye, Molly.

- Why does he always do that? - Fair townspeople!

Fair townspeople?

Fair townspeople, I swear to God!

- What? - Mark thy calendars

and make thy plans to attend the drama department's summer program,

Shakespeare in the Park... ing Lot.

We will be performing the Bard's comedies as modern tragedies

outside Whole Foods across town.

Well, it's actually funny. It's...

It's what we did in my summer program

- last year in... - Barcelona,

when I lived in Barcelona.

I will be directing,

and Alan...

may be starring, pending auditions.

I don't audition.

I'm offer only.

This looks fun, but I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna be here.

Yeah, Amy's spending the summer in Botswana,

helping women make their own tampons.

That's...

gross.

Well, blood attracts lions. I'm saving lives.

Oh, okay. Well, that's actually noble. I, too, have a fear of big cats.

And I can't because I'm working all summer, and also, I don't want to.

You are a philistine.

Why would you do theater when you could do debate?

Because some of us enjoy working with others.

And some of us know how to win.

Nobody's winning in that outfit.

Sit down, y'all. We got work to do.

- So, Molly... - Mmm?

- Why don't you start us off? - Thank you.

Kill it.

All right, well, as you might recall from my analysis yesterday,

- we were talking about... - It's our last day!

- Let us live! God! - ...submitting to authority...

You've gotta open...

You've gotta open your mouth a little bit more, all right?

- Yeah, okay, I gotcha, I gotcha. - Okay, chips!

- All right, this is it. - I gotcha. Ready?

- Dude, how am I supposed to get there? - That was my bad.

- Nick? - You're wild.

- Nick. - Wait, just one sec. Just... come on.

Nick, there's some student government stuff to go over.

Come on, man, aim for my mouth!

We have to go over the end of year budget, so if you could...

Yeah, just, we're playin' this game where I've gotta catch it with...

It's complicated. I'll... I'll hit you later, I guess.

I'm sure it's complicated.

Oh!

I cannot believe I lasted an entire year with Nick as my vice president.

He's allergic to work. All he wants to do is goof off.

It's infuriating.

Go talk to Ryan.

What? No.

Cool, cool, 'cause I'm... I'm gonna go talk to Ryan.

- 'Cause I have so much to say... - No, no, no.

- Yeah? - Fine.

Just... I'm going.

- Just gonna... - There she goes.

- Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. - Oh, dude.

Amy.

- It's all good. - Here you go.

Sharp elbows.

Not as sharp as your... chin.

What?

Um... so isn't it crazy that it's... it's the last day?

I know, dude. I can barely believe it.

Are you gonna come to Nick's tonight?

His aunt went on a cruise ship that broke down,

so Nick's gonna throw a party at her house.

That's... that's awesome.

It's... it's all right.

They're, you know, they're stuck on a boat shitting in buckets.

Oh, that's not really what I meant.

Oh, Jesus.

- Come on, Tanner. - All right, well...

All right, I'll see you later.

I'll just, um...

Fuck. Fuck, fuck.

- What are you doing? Go back. - Fuck, fuck.

No, that was bad. That was bad. I'm good.

I don't even know if she's into girls.

She wore a polo shirt to prom.

Well, that's just her gender performance.

It's different from her sexual orientation.

I'm sorry, but I don't get it.

- Well, gender is a construct of... - No. Thank you. That much I understand.

It's just... it's a little bit shocking

that... that you're into Ryan.

First crush, the little white cat from The Aristocats.

You go from that to Avril Lavigne.

It just... it's not... it's not what I anticipated.

I just like that she's...

always in a good mood, and she's got a really cute smile.

She just seems like she'd be a really fun person

to have sleepovers and lie around with.

Excuse me, pardon me? I'm a fun person to have sleepovers and lie around with.

It's literally all we do.

Well, with her, there'd be more...

vagina involved.

That's fair.

She said Nick's having a party tonight.

Of course he would. He's so fucking stupid.

Somebody always gets arrested the night before graduation.

Amy, do you know how many girls are gonna be up your vagina

at Columbia next year?

Are you aware of it? 'Cause I'm aware of it.

Every time I come to visit you, you're just gonna be scissoring a different girl.

Dude?

Scissoring is not a thing.

- Don't knock it until you've tried it. - It's not a thing.

- I'm not knocking it. It's not a thing. - Don't knock it until you've tried it.

Here comes the one percent.

That car belongs in a museum.

What the fuck, Jared? I said door-to-door.

Museum of death, 'cause its smog is killing us all.

- Fuck! - You all right?

They spend every minute together. It's so weird.

We spend every minute together.

We are equals.

Gigi just keeps Jared around for when she needs a liver.

- No, please don't get on my car. - I'm fucking spent, Jared!

- At least take the heels off. - I'm fucking spent!

- I just got it back from the shop. - Okay, shh! I'm napping.

Do you think it's true that his dad got him a sex worker for his 14th birthday?

It's too weird of a story to be made up.

There's so many specifics.

He sprained his ankle, she had a hearing aid.

What up, chicas?

It's intolerable.

You guys... you guys hungry?

I got... I got some soup dumps.

Keep it down out there!

They're probably soggy now, but they're great cold!

- Good Lord. - S'all right.

I'm going to pee in your weird bathroom. Watch my stuff.

Until all of us can pee without genitals, none of us can.

These motherfuckers.

"Your ugly" what?

How did you graduate sixth grade?

It's shocking to me.

So, okay, so, I win.

- Marry the sex doll, okay? - Right.

- Fuck the soccer ball. - Yep.

And then, kill Molly.

Dude, no!

There's no other way, dude.

Like, I can't fuck her, you know, 'cause...

when I'm scared, my dick can't get hard.

And then, like, I can't marry her, 'cause, well,

- I don't believe in the institution. - Uh-huh.

So I have to kill Molly.

And I know it'll haunt me. I'm a peaceful person.

That's very true.

Wait, are you guys talking about Molly Davidson?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That girl is so weird. She always acts like she's, like, 40.

I wish she was fuckin' 40, man. Women in their forties know themselves.

Oh, she's cute, you know, yeah, I give her that,

but she'd probably make you quiz her on her SAT analogies while you fuck her.

Dude, no, her vagina is probably stuffed with diplomas, how much do you wanna bet?

That shit's like a filing cabinet down there.

Well, I've got no problem with a filing cabinet.

I would make passionate sex to Molly Davidson.

Really?

Yeah, I'd just put a bag over her personality.

- Yeah. - That's it.

Molly's like a butterface for personality, a butter personality.

Yeah!

- It's so bad. - Yeah.

That's cool, man. What?

Shit.

Oh.

Oh, please, do not stop on my account.

Do you know what? My vag is stuffed with diplomas.

Soon it's gonna be stuffed with job offers,

and glowing profiles, and commendations from the governor.

So, while you guys were all studying AP hand jobs,

I was kicking ass and busting curves.

And I'm gonna continue to do that at Yale next year.

So...

I like my choices,

and wherever you three are next year, I hope you do, too.

I'm going to Yale, too.

What?

I'm incredible at hand jobs, but I also got a 1560 on the SATs.

No, you didn't.

I got in early.

- To Yale? - Uh-huh.

- Mm-hm? - Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Oh, um, Tanner, where are you going to school?

Uh, I'm... I'm playing soccer at Stanford.

Stanford University? What are you guys talking about? That's...

- No, yes, Stanford. - Mm-hm. Stanford University.

Hey, I'm not going to college.

I got recruited to go code for Google.

I mean, it's not Apple,

but the bennies are pretty tight, man,

and it's mid six-figures, so I'm not complainin'.

- That's my boy. - So proud of you. Amazing.

You failed the seventh grade twice.

Rule of threes.

- You guys are serious? - Mm-hm.

Hey, um, I'm gonna pretend like I don't know you next year.

No offense.

Hmm.

This... this isn't possible.

You guys don't even care about school.

No.

We just don't only care about school.

Well, I'm... I'm done.

After... After you. After you, man.

Okay.

Sorry, excuse me.

You've worked harder than everyone who's ever doubted you.

You've worked harder.

...doubted you.

Hey.

You okay?

Nick, where are you going to school next year?

- I thought we weren't supposed to talk... - Just tell me!

Georgetown. Jesus.

- Hope, where are you going next year? - No, I couldn't be less interested

in, like, whatever this is.

Gigi, where the fuck are you going to school next year?

Don't judge me, it was my fifth choice.

Harvard.

Seniors rule!

This is fucked!

Okay.

This is obviously not helping.

We chose. We didn't party because we wanted to focus on school

and get into good colleges.

And it worked.

But the irresponsible people who partied

also got into those colleges, they did both.

So?

So we messed up.

We didn't have to choose. They did both.

We are the only assholes who did one.

Hey, we are not assholes, okay?

Let's just...

Come sit down, we'll cut the cake,

look at the memory box,

- celebrate the end... - This is not a time to celebrate.

We have to go to a party tonight.

- What? - Let's go to Nick's party.

No... Are you kidding? No. No way.

Amy, we only have one night left

to have studied and partied in high school.

Otherwise, we're just gonna be the girls that missed out.

We haven't done anything.

We haven't broken any rules.

Okay, we've broken a lot of rules.

One, we have fake IDs.

Fake college IDs, so we can get into their 24-hour library.

Name one person whose life was so much better

- because they broke a couple of rules. - Picasso.

Yes, he broke art rules. Name a person who broke a real one.

- Rosa Parks. - Name another.

- Susan B. Anthony. - Goddamn it.

Amy, I'm so serious. They think that we're robots.

They think all we care about is taking a million APs, and getting into Yale,

and editing Law Review at Georgetown,

and clerking for a federal judge between junior and senior year

before eventually becoming the youngest justice

ever nominated to the Supreme Court of the United States.

In my case.

You get the point.

- Nobody knows that we are fun. - We know.

They need to know.

Who's they?

We are not one-dimensional.

We are smart and fun.

We have to do this.

This is crazy.

We graduate tomorrow.

What if we get in trouble?

You know that we are too smart for that.

Plus, Ryan is gonna be there.

She wanted you to come. You're finally gonna make your moves.

No, she's not...

You've been out for two years and you've never kissed a girl.

I want you to experience this.

What will I be doing during that time, you might ask?

I'm going to experience a seminal fun anecdote,

and we are gonna change our stories forever.

We were gonna watch that Ken Burns thing.

The Dust Bowl can wait, bitch!

What took them four years, we are doing in one night!

Oh, Jesus!

- No! - No!

- No. Not acceptable. - Not okay.

Who allowed you to be this beautiful?

- Who allowed you to be this beautiful? - Who allowed you to take my breath away?

- Call the paramedics, call the police. - Who... No.

- 'Cause there has been an emergency. - I can't look right at it.

Not today!

Grip escape move!

Oh. Work.

Get it? Tushy?

Hand sanitizer.

ChapStick.

College IDs.

Now, mace. Listen, it is very important that you keep the safety...

Oh!

- Ah! Amy! - The safety's not on!

Don't touch your eyes!

You have the same parts she does.

You just take what you do to yourself, flip it upside down.

Well, I don't... I don't really...

Just a down, but a flip.

- I don't... - A down flip.

Well... what if I don't use my hands?

You can make yourself come using only your mind?

- No. - That's the one thing my mind can't do.

No! Well, I use just... other stuff.

- A book? - No.

Very Freudian, but I'd worry about paper cuts.

No. Can we just stop talking about this?

- That little elephant? - No! Stop!

That weird crochet pig?

My grandma gave me that before she died!

If you don't tell me what it is, you know...

It's the panda! It's the panda, okay?

The panda. Whatever. Just...

Can we just stop talking about this?

Please, for the love of all things.

Quick question.

Just a quick Q.

What happened to her eye?

That fell off way before anything happened between us.

- Does she talk dirty to you? - Mm-mm.

- Tell you about how she's endangered? - No!

- Stop! - Do pandas roar?

- Stop! - You sneaky little bitch.

I can't believe you didn't tell me

that you have been mounting that tragic panda

every single night!

- Yeah. - This is... Honestly, it's exhilarating.

I thought I knew everything about you.

I think it's healthy for a relationship to have secrets, and now we have one.

Do I have a secret for you? Okay, yes.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

- I once tried to masturbate... - Mm.

with an electric toothbrush.

But I got a horrible UTI.

Horrible.

Like...

horrible.

I wish that would have been a secret, but you've mentioned it many, many times.

Hey. Hey!

I need you to do the talking.

Why don't you just tell them we're going to a party?

Because they'll ask too many questions. They'll try to call Nick's aunt.

I've never lied to my parents before.

You know when I lie, I just add too many details.

Just make up a story, but don't say we're having a date night or anything.

Why? It's funny your parents think we're boning.

No, it's not,

because you're not the one who has to deal with their creepy smiles

when I tell them I'm meeting you at the library,

when I'm actually meeting you at the library.

Honestly, it's surprising that Doug and Charmaine are supportive,

considering their whole Jesus thing.

It's nice.

- Charmaine, get to the safe room. - Hey!

- We're bein' robbed by supermodels. - Hi!

Aw, you girls look fabulous.

- Oh... - And smart, and also brave.

- Thank you. - Yeah, thanks.

- Aww! - Are you guys cold?

- Oh, no. - A little nippy.

I'll start a fire, or I'll turn up the heat.

Just get the jackets off. Dinner's about ready.

- Oh, you've gotta taste this. - Well...

- Yeah. - I'm calling it "diplo-meatball."

- Sure. - Don't engage them.

Oh, right, right, okay. Um...

Char-Char, Dougsicles,

would it be okay if Amy stayed over at my house tonight?

- The... the night before graduation? - Yeah.

You know, my mom can drive us to the ceremony.

We just want as much time together as we can before she leaves for Africa.

We made, uh...

mushroom cap and gowns.

- Yeah... - We made special names for all this stuff.

- Great deal of care was taken. - Well...

Every... I mean, look, uh...

Chips and sal-so long, high school.

You know, cheese and...

sala-me being your dad was the greatest honor of my life.

You know, e-everything has a name.

- O-love my baby girl. That's olives. - Yeah.

- Doug. - Do you know what? We get it.

- But... - We get it.

- Yes, yes, yes. - We understand, okay?

- What you two have... - We do. I'm sorry.

- What they have is very, very special. - I'm sorry.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Oh! It really is.

It is. You know, they say you never forget your first...

Friend.

- Special friend. - Normal friend.

- Yeah, my special friend. - Mm. Yeah.

I'm just so thankful we get to spend the whole night together

to really show each other

- how much we care about each other. - Ah. Oh!

- That's great. - Mmm, my girl.

We'll probably just do a Korean face mask.

Well, I don't need to know all the words.

- Okay. - Go, go, go!

Whoo-hoo! That's it!

Oh, my God!

Nick's auntie's house is about to be popping.

- Big ass party. - Aunt Viv. Aunt Viv, I love you.

Ten-four. That's for the boy.

Whoop! Whoop!

Ferris isn't trying to fall in love

- on his day off. - He is.

- Oh, fuck! - God.

- Tanner ate a ghost pepper. - Oh, my...

He needs milk. Someone get him milk.

- That's... that's not gonna help. - Oh, fuck!

- Oh, my... - Oh!

Oh, that's too much milk. He.. he just had too much milk.

Fuck! No one is answering.

Somebody give me the address!

We've never hung out with any of these people

outside of academic activities.

They probably think we're calling about school stuff.

You're right.

Can we just call a Lyft?

We still don't know where we're going.

Do you know a Lyft driver that knows where Nick's aunt lives?

I think I do.

Who are you calling?

Don't worry about it, chica.

What?

Jesus Christ.

All aboard the SS Lit!

As fuck!

The SS Lit As Fuck.

- No. - I'm so glad you called.

Sorry it took so long. Traffic was nerts.

I'll co... I'll come...

It's like Guy Fieri's wet dream.

It's a means to an end.

May I offer you the front, mademoiselle?

No? Goin' for the back? That's cool.

Back's great too. Great air flow back there. Get on in there.

Okay. Time for some nights we'll never remember

with friends we'll never forget, huh?

Jared, you know where the party is, right?

Absofruitly, ladies.

We are headed to the biggest, coolest grad night party in town.

Can I get a what-what?

Jesus Christ.

No? That's okay. Maybe later. It's over on the west side, so...

Get some tunes goin'.

Random House Audio presents Lean In... Women, Work

- and the Will to Lead. - Okay.

- By Sheryl Sandberg with Nell Scovell. - That's embarrassing.

I have this thing where I like to hear the words of powerful women before I party

to remind myself of the respect and awe you ladies deserve.

Internalizing the revolution.

I got pregnant with my first child in the summer...

I'll get somethin' peppy going. We'll get this party started, huh?

Sorry about that.

Jared, it's fine. Isn't she your girlfriend or something?

What? No, she's...

No girlfriend for me. I can't pick faves.

Too many ladies wanna lock this down, and they don't have the code.

Two-eight-three-one.

Well, that's my PIN number.

Uh... but...

Sorry, I'll just... What's up, Gig?

Jared, where the fuck did you go?

I left my tin of special things in your car and I need it!

Okay, all right. Jeez, Louise!

Do I wanna know what a tin of special things is?

Oh, my God. This is drugs.

- What? - What?

Hey, Jare. Jared, we're just gonna hop out here.

- Wait, what? Why? - No.

- She's kidding. - No, I'm not.

Our... Our friend, she just texted us.

And she said she... she... she hit a possum with her car.

- No! You know what kind of possum? - Yeah. It's bad.

But the possum didn't die. Its adrenaline and... and rage

- just made it start chasing her... - We are not hopping off. Keep driving.

What about the po... Is she gonna be okay? Wanna text her and see if she's okay?

Enough about the possum! Jared, you took Spanish, right?

Ah, sí, sí, mi bonita mujer.

I'm not gettin' any of it.

Whoo!

Came in a little hot there. That's my bad.

- But we are here. - What do we do? What do we do?

- Don't move, don't inhale. - All right.

Oh, shit.

There are drugs in my orifices.

Drugs.

Oh, no, that's...

It's not drugs. That's just Gigi's vitamins.

Her... her what?

Yeah, you know, like vitamin D, B-12. Gigi likes to crush them up and snort them.

She says they work better that way. We'll get you cleaned up on board.

What? What do you mean, "on board"?

Okay, now, you guys said you wanted to go to the best party.

So... I brought you to the best party.

Which is my party!

Prepare to get bashed!

Not... Not in, like, a violent way.

Completely consensual bashing. I don't know if that was clear.

"Prepared to get consensually bashed."

I'll have 'em change it. What do you think?

You're serious, Jared? This is your party?

You don't wanna go to Nick's lame house party. You don't.

A boat is international waters, right?

Maritime law. Just come check it out for a little bit.

It's sick.

The catering company said it's the coolest party they've ever been to.

And I'll tell you somethin'.

They worked Sasha Obama's sweet 16.

- Up to you. - What are we thinking?

- We still don't have Nick's address. - Mm.

Someone on board might know where it is.

And I'd like to meet someone who met Sasha.

Yeah, respect for Sasha. Okay.

- Yeah? - Mm-hm.

Let's go.

You guys excited?

Welcome to the club!

Oh, no.

Cool, huh? We're on a boat. What's up with that?

There is not a soul here, Ames.

Ice tiger.

This is insane. You made gift bags?

There is an iPad in here.

Preloaded with photos of all of our best high school memories, class of 2019.

Say what? Champagne?

There's a masseuse in the back, male or female.

Gambling behind the bar. Do you guys tan?

I'm so happy you guys are here.

- I knew you guys partied. Didn't I? - You did, she said it.

I told him. "Those guys seem quiet,

but they're probably spending every weekend at, like, a sex dungeon."

- No. - Here, try one of these strawberries.

Okay.

No.

- No, no, no... - Mmm...

Mmm...

- Ah. - Mm. Mm-hmm.

- Not bad. - That's pretty good.

Wait.

Mmm...

Oh, God, you taste like my vitamins.

- Uh... - I think I'm in love with you.

I don't think you are.

- You're coming with me. - What?

Dance party upstairs!

Yeah! Whoo!

- No, wait! - Yes, yes, yes!

Amy? Amy? Amy? Ame, we're not...

Look what I found... with your name on it.

Come on, too cool.

How do you feel, huh? You look stoked.

- Chicken spring roll? - No, thank you.

Oh, you, uh...

Oh!

You want?

Oh, no thank you.

Not a drug person.

Not even pot? I feel like it could help you relax.

- Nope. Doesn't work for me. - Huh.

DJ Rod!

What the fuck?

Jared... stop.

Jared, wrap...

Take the helmet off! Take the helmet off!

This isn't working. You can't buy people's affection.

Um...

No, I'm pretty sure you can.

'Cause I've seen it a lot. My parents did it.

- Their parents did it. - Just stop trying so hard, okay?

People sense it, it turns them off.

But you try hard.

You try hard and everything. That's what I like about you.

- I didn't mean it like... - I'm just gonna...

- I meant more like... - I'm gonna go.

- Lamb meatball? - Motherfucker! You're everywhere!

One time I ate a legal pot brownie when Model UN went to Amsterdam.

And as soon as I got high, I just cried about the fact

that one day my mom will die, so...

- I had the exact same thing. - Really?

I lost my virginity in what I thought was a park, but...

it turned out to be a graveyard, and now the ghost spirits live inside my eggs

waiting to be reborn.

That's not at all the same.

I always felt like we were similar.

- God, I'm gonna miss you. - Oof.

Hey. You can't smoke up here.

- Oh... - What'd you say to her?

- I said it to you, you can't smoke. - Um...

You do not speak to her that way.

Is... Is the her me? 'Cause I'm fine.

That is my best friend in the fucking world!

- We're not, she's not... - We'll fucking fight you to the death!

Oh!

Okay, I'm calling security.

- Amy, we need to get the fuck outta here... - Oh, my God!

- Light 'em up, Luanne! It's go time! - Um...

There's only one thing left to do. Jump.

- No! Off the boat? - Wait, what? No! No!

- No, seriously... - You...

- What are you guys doin' up here? - Swan dive into the future!

Grip escape move!

No, no, no!

Gege? Gege?

- Ooh! - Holy fuck!

Gege, are you okay?

- She's okay. Bail, bail, bail, bail! - Just bail.

Jesus!

Oh, my God!

I am so sweaty!

Oh, my God!

We need to figure something out before we get to Nick's.

- You still want to go to Nick's? - You don't?

Well, dude, we went to a party.

We did it. Let's go home.

- Amy... - Don't do your lecture voice.

That was not a party.

Well, it definitely was a party.

That was a detour.

We are A-plus people,

and we are going to an A-plus party.

Like this.

Oh, my God, Alan responded.

We have the address! Okay, I'm calling a Lyft.

Oh, my score is...

My score is very low.

I'm much too abrasive with the drivers. You should call.

I'm gonna go home.

But if you wanna go to Nick's, you should really go. Seriously, go.

Malala.

Whoa.

- I'm calling Malala. - Wow.

You know you only get, like, one Malala a year?

Yeah, I'm calling it.

Full support, no questions asked, you are coming with me.

Hmm.

Malala.

All right.

Malala.

Oh!

Oh!

Um... okay. Jordan?

Yeah, and you're Am...

Shit.

You know, I-I, um...

this job's a good way to supplement the, uh... the old income.

You know, teachers' salaries today and all, so...

- It's terrible. - Yeah, it's a disgrace.

Meet new people and see new parts of the city,

and run into old friends.

- Friends? - Plus, I'm writin' a book now.

Oh.

- Yeah, yeah. I'm not just a principal. - Cool.

Nothing more exciting or daunting than the blank page, you know?

One book I'm thinkin' about doin' is a book of quotes.

Nothing more daunting or exciting than the blank page.

But, yeah, that's one idea. I'm thinkin' about doin' a detective novel.

Actually, you know what? You two will love...

Amy, you'll love this. It's a, uh... a female detective.

- Oh, really? - A lady detective.

- Yeah, how about that? - Interesting.

Yeah, she's, uh... And she's pregnant too. Still workin'.

And, uh, you know, the baby, whenever she's, like, close to a clue,

or, like, one of her hunches is, like, uh, you know, close,

the baby kicks,

you know, and the harder it kicks, the closer she is.

And, uh, that's where I'm at right now.

I... I... I don't know what to do once, um...

you know, when she, um, gives birth.

- But, um... - Hmm.

Hey, you dumb son of a bitch!

Choose a lane!

That was nuts.

Don't know what that was.

Oh, this town.

Ah, the angry people in this town...

Yeah.

Want some music maybe?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Genius.

Dude, we're gonna get to Nick's so late.

It's fine. Everybody shows up to parties late.

It's like, it's cooler to be late.

We're gonna arrive right at the crest.

Before you know it, you'll be neck deep in Ryan.

Neck deep in what direction?

- You tell me. - I don't know. I don't know anything.

This is like your nightmare about having to land a commercial airliner,

but much, much worse.

I mean, is it? Is it worse?

Well, yeah.

I had the lives of 100 people in my hands.

My crew was counting on me. I was their Sully.

- I'm really stressed about it. - I-m... Okay, I know you are.

If only there was just...

a video of people hookin' up.

Sorry, are you talking about porn?

- All I'm saying... - No.

No one would know if you watched one porn one time.

Think of it as a documentary.

Just a sexy documentary. It's a hot doc.

All of those women are European trafficking victims.

Excuse me, ma'am, are you judging other people's sexual preferences?

- 'Cause you fuck a panda every night. - "Fuck a panda..." So fucking funny!

Are you about to say you're gonna judge me for dabbling in pornography?

- Thought you were a sex-positive feminist. - Are you insane?

Principal Brown is right there.

- I have headphones. - He's four feet away from us.

I have headphones, madam.

All right, but once we get a sense of the mechanics,

- I am shutting it off real quick. - Of course.

It's for educational purposes.

Educational purposes.

Plug in. Your phone's gonna die.

Um...

- Principal Brown? - Oh.

Principal Brown was my dad.

- Uh... - Just call me Jordan.

Uh...

No, thank you. Principal Brown?

- Yes. - I'm so...

Uh, do you have a phone charger?

- No, I don't. - Oh.

Got like 13.

Yeah, here. Here you go. Catch.

Didn't know you could do that from that angle.

Oh, wait, what did I miss?

- Go back, actually. - Yeah, scroll back.

- The part... Wait, start right there. - Oh, there.

If you guys want to listen to your music, I can just plug it in up here.

- No! No! No! - No! No!

No, fuck!

That's fuckin' hot.

Yes!

Come on! Come on!

Don't touch me.

Was that Cardi B?

- You... Oh, my God! You are the... - I cannot believe it!

- You are the devil! - I'm gonna die!

I'm literally gonna physically die!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Come in.

He's dead!

What the fuck?

He's dead!

- Wh... Who's dead? - My husband.

He's been killed!

Okay, Alan, you don't have to do your entrance

every time somebody arrives, okay?

- What are you guys doing here? - What is going on?

It's a murder mystery party.

- I've been planning it for months. - Wait, this is your house? Alan?

Alan, I was so clear in my text we are looking for Nick's party.

My husband, Robert, was an esteemed Broadway director

and the love of my life.

And he's been killed.

Like a dog in the street.

- Was he stabbed? - That sounds very tragic.

But there's been a mistake. We're looking for Nick's party.

Do you have the address? We can't find it.

I don't know a Nick.

I only know sorrow...

and grief.

Okay, you're at a ten.

I need you at a two.

I have a wake to plan.

Okay, well, if you guys are here,

you might as well take some of the extra characters

- since two people decided not to show up. - No...

Okay.

- Adorable farmer new to the city. - We don't need characters.

- We're not staying. - Hideous barren orthodontist.

Why am I barren?

Am I here to farm or have I given up that life?

This just says "orthodontist."

- Your backstories are in the packets. - No, no.

We are not staying. We're going to Nick's party.

- We can just stay for... - No.

- The one where someone ate a ghost pepper? - Yes.

Yeah, somebody here came from there, I think. Maybe the mayor.

Go! Immerse yourselves.

Review your histories in the parlor.

Okay, if your characters aren't married, hands off each other.

No!

Oh.

Do not go gently.

Oh, she's really good.

Oh, my God! You guys are here.

- How'd you get here? - What the fuck?

How did you get here?

And how are you dry?

How are you dry?

Aaron, I can see you breathing.

Gigi? Mm. Dig deeper.

- I don't know what... - I don't...

- She was like... - Oh!

I can't think about it.

Oh, is it over?

No! Stop! Mom, do not talk to the actors! The house is mine till 11 p.m.

Cindy, I swear to fucking God!

- Jesus Christ! God. - Gigi! What the fuck?

Guys, the re-election is coming up

and I need to know if I have to buy your votes.

Wait, are you the mayor?

Do you know where Nick's party is?

Of course I do. I know where all the parties are.

Where is it?

Come into my office, now.

Okay, thank you.

In, in, in. Go, go, go. Come, come, come. Now, now, now!

Okay.

You can't tell anyone.

We won't.

Not even each other.

Okay.

Nick's party...

is at...

his aunt's house.

We know it's at his au...

Amy, I swear to God, I need to get out of here.

By the way, I am pretty impressed

with how well you guys are holding it together.

You're doing fantastic.

What do you mean?

I thought the strawberries would have hit by now.

Why would strawberries hit?

Because they were dipped in an unbelievably potent drug.

It's like ayahuasca, but Asian.

Asian-huasca.

I told you guys that, right?

- No, no, no, no, no. - I can't...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Pull me back in.

Pull me back in.

Oh, my mom has a scarf that color.

Listen to me.

We're gonna be fine.

One time I threw up,

and my mom caught it in her hands, 'cause she loves me.

We are healthy,

nubile, young women,

and we just need to stay calm.

We are gonna be...

What?

What the fuck?

What the fuck? What is happening?

Why do you look like that?

Uh, Molly, y... you're a fucking doll.

- No, you're a fucking doll. - What?

Ow! Fuck, that hurt.

And my boobs are too heavy. I have no core.

Our legs don't bend.

They're twice as long as our torsos.

These proportions are insane!

Where's my chub?

Wait, where are you going?

- This is crazy. - Wait for me.

I have to see for myself.

Well, I've never done the splits in my life.

Amy!

Help! Molly, help me!

Oh, my God! Don't look down, Amy, no!

I... I can't reach!

You have to put my heel in your hole.

- My heel...? Your heel in my what? - Your hole!

- What hole? - The corn hole!

Oh. Fuck!

Molly!

Oh, my God.

Um, what the fuck am I wearing?

Where's my vag?

Uh, Molly, I have no genitals.

How do I pee? How do I shit?

I mean, I don't even have nipples. These are just mounds.

My whole body's like a fucking dolphin.

Just... just...

Perfect, round.

- Huge mounds. - Uh, what?

Look at my body. I am beautiful.

No, don't get sucked in.

This is our nightmare, Amy.

I know this is unrealistic and bad for women,

but... is it bad?

Because I feel pretty good.

I mean, this ass won't quit.

Amy, use your brain!

I don't need to use my brain. I just need to be smooth and flexible.

Look at you, you bad bitch.

Okay, that's it, we have to wake up.

My, my, my. Mm.

I think I might, like, actually stay here for a while.

No, I won't let you do this.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop!

You need to throw up.

Let me have this body!

Now that the amuse-bouche of bacon-wrapped dates is over,

why don't we play a rousing round of J'accuse!

Fuck you, George.

Who is she supposed to be?

The orthodontist.

We're okay.

We're okay.

We did it.

We went... we went to two parties, we did drugs.

We can say we went out.

- Let's go home. - What?

No, the plan is to go to Nick's.

We have to stick to the plan.

Dude, nothing has gone according to plan tonight.

Which is why we have to stick to the plan. Let's call another Lyft.

Why are you being so pushy?

Honestly, pushy is a compliment. You know who else was pushy?

Diane Sawyer, Joan of Arc,

- Queen Noor of Jordan... - I know where Queen Noor is from!

Once we get to Nick's, all of this will be worth it.

Just forget about about Nick's! No one will even tell us where it is.

Why are you being so obsessed with his party?

- Because she loves him. - Oh, my God.

Gigi, stop doing that!

- What did you say? - Molly loves Nick.

Can you please stop repeating that sentence?

Because it's not true.

- Molly hates Nick. - Thank you.

She projects disgust to cover up a deep desire.

No. No. N-O. Thanks.

Uh, you actually... You drugged us and tried to throw us off a boat.

I did. I did.

So nothing you say is of any value to us.

So... Oh, you're...

Yeah, no, you can stop flipping me off

because you should flip off, so shut the fuck up.

Madam Mayor, what are you doing out here?

George locked himself in the closet.

Fuck!

Dude.

No.

Dude?

No.

I don't like him.

Yes, maybe he is...

classically, traditionally handsome and weirdly charming,

and maybe my innate biology registers him as an ideal mate,

and yes, maybe I occasionally fantasize about him sweeping me off my feet.

And some weaker people might call that a tiny crush,

but I can ignore it, I can fight against it,

because we all have weird interests.

And the important thing is that we just... we shove 'em down

and we never speak about them again.

You don't have to shove anything down.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I do, because I can't like him.

Maybe my body can like him but my mind knows that that's stupid,

because he's just... he's a jock,

and all he cares about is being cool and having fun,

and he doesn't even look at girls unless they look like Triple A.

And he definitely doesn't want me because I'm a butter personality.

How dare you say that about my best friend?

Amy, you fucking slapped me...

If you ever say anything like that about yourself again,

I will fucking lay you out, okay?

You are the strongest, coolest,

smartest, most stunningly gorgeous creature

this high school and this Earth

has ever seen.

And Nick Howland would be so fucking lucky to be a footnote in your story.

So we're going to his party.

Are you serious?

I am dead serious.

If Nick's what you want, then that's what you deserve.

How? How are we gonna find out where the party is?

By doing what we do best.

Motherfuckin' homework.

- I will now be attempting... - Wait. Look.

...15 pizza boxes.

How many orders that big do you think Lido's could have filled tonight?

- Genius. - Yeah.

Two half-cheese, half-sausage pizzas

are just one cheese and one sausage pizza,

you fucking morons.

Jesus.

Oh, God.

- Everybody down! 911! Stay down. - Oh, my God! What the fuck?

Fuck! What the fuck is this?

- We ask the questions! - Oh, my God.

Oh, shit, shit! Is this some Manson family shit?

- What is this? - No!

No! Everything is gonna be just fine!

You're just gonna give us the address to where you delivered some pizzas tonight.

Oh, my God. Are you guys out of your fucking mind? How old are you, by the way?

- Uh... - Does not matter!

Okay, that voice did not make you sound older.

So you're basically children,

and you just willingly got in the car of a strange man.

Do you guys have a weapon?

Yes?

If we claim to have a weapon, this might be a felony.

Fuck.

- Yes. - Okay, so you're using your hair as a mask

and trying to rob someone with no weapon.

'Cause the funny thing is,

- I actually have a weapon. - Fuck!

- Dear God, no! You have a gun? - Fuck! No!

I keep that to protect myself from bad people,

something you guys should think about.

Did the... did the possibility of sexual assault ever enter your minds?

Not really.

Yeah, not really, I can tell.

You were spendin' more time on, like, the hair

and that... that whole part of it, maybe, yeah.

'Cause... 'cause we're like... right by the freeway.

I could have you across the state line in, like, 40 minutes,

take you to some cabin, hog tie your ankles,

leave you in a room with, like, a saucer of milk

and videotape the whole thing for a couple days.

- What? - What?

- No. - Think about that.

- What? - No, I'm not gonna think about...

We just need you to give us the address

to where you delivered this huge order tonight.

Oh, shit, that p...

Okay, you know what?

Let me give you the address.

I feel like if I don't...

...you guys are so stupid,

some dog walker's gonna find your bodies tomorrow under some overpass.

- Okay. - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

- Don't show me your pass code! - Oh, that's fair!

- Okay, sorry. - That's the whole thing with pass codes.

I'm just copying the address.

That's your private information.

- Thank you! - Thank you so much!

Oh, my God!

Um...

Quick Q.

Now that we're already in your car, would you mind driving us there?

Yeah, why not?

- Oh, great! - I'm being sarcastic!

- Get the fuck out of my car! - Oh!

- Okay! - Thank you so much!

Don't trust people. Oh, my God.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God!

- Oh! - You were incredible! You were so scary.

If you were a criminal, you'd be the best fucking criminal in Los Angeles.

Aaah! Oh!

Okay. Great, let's call a chariot.

Fuck! I left my phone in his car!

Why did I have to use a visual aid?

- Wait! - It's okay!

Amy, Amy, we will get it tomorrow. It's fine. I'll use mine. I'll use mine.

I'm at two percent? Why the fuck am I at two percent?

Why is my battery so low?

The porn. We streamed a lot of porn.

Just... Just... Just call a Lyft.

No, I can't call a Lyft,

because if my phone dies and the driver can't contact us, we are fucked!

Unless...

- Pick up, pick up. - Who are you calling?

Hi, it's Molly and Amy. We're at Lido's Pizza on Victory Boulevard.

We are stranded. Please pick us up, we need...

It died.

- We could hitchhike. - Are you aching to be murdered?

Well, I'm just throwin' out suggestions here.

You girls need a ride?

- Shotgun! - I'll take the front!

So cool! Just gonna...

- Amy, what are you doing? - No, I...

My... My legs are, like, half an inch longer...

Okay, you know I get car sick, Amy. What... Oh!

- Just let me go! - You're embarrassing me.

- Stop... - You're embarrassing me!

Thank you so much, Miss Fine. You totally saved us.

Please. You two saved me from re-watching Gilmore Girls.

I've seen it, like, 50 times.

Okay, wait, so what is this address I'm taking you to?

It's, uh... it's Nick Howland's aunt's house.

It's... It's... It's a party, technically.

You two want me to drive you to an unsupervised house party?

Oh... well...

Good. I'm glad you guys are having some fun before graduation. Uh!

Really?

Yes. Oh, my gosh, yes. I don't want you guys to make the same mistake I did.

What do you mean?

I spent the majority of my 20s

overcompensating for the fact that I never had fun in high school.

And, you know, the pendulum then swung in a completely different direction.

I mean, I went crazy.

I had some really dark moments there in my 20s,

like, some really dark moments.

Like, it was bad. You know I'm banned from Jamba Juice?

Like, not a single Jamba Juice, like every Jamba Juice.

That came down from corporate.

Do you know how many Jamba Juices there are in this country?

Like, a bajillion.

It's a national chain, it's a sensation.

I cannot have another Mango-A-Go-Go ever again.

But, look, I don't want that for you.

Okay? You still have a chance.

I want you two to go to this party, and I want you to have fun.

Because tonight is your night.

- Yes! Yes! - Yes!

Okay.

- Yes. - Yes.

So, what are you two wearing?

Uh, we were thinking...

uh...

Well, just this...

this... this, uh... this look.

You do know you guys are matching, right?

We added this embellishment here.

Well, lucky for you two, I'm a single woman livin' in Los Angeles,

so I got a lot of shit in this car.

Why don't y'all go through some of those bags?

I'm sorry, we can touch your clothes?

Yes, please. Please, touch my clothes.

- Please get a change of clothes. - This night!

- Um... - Um...

- Oh... - Mmm...

Mmm...

- I have no breath. - What?

Excuse me?

- Sorry, what? - I have nowhere to go with this.

- It's too perfect. - You are literally glowing.

You've hit the level of perfection and now I'm just...

- Be still my heart. - You just came out of the water.

You're fresh from the water, you're a mermaid here.

How are you so fucking shiny?

Can you fetch me an inhaler? I can't breathe.

- Um, my eyes. Ow, ow! - I'm physically unable...

Ow, my eyes hurt so bad from your beauty.

- Um, exsqueeze me, ladies. - Oh.

- Oh, sorry. - There's a... a party to get to.

- All right. - I will see you two inside, all right?

Just kidding. Imagine if I did, though.

- Just kidding. - Imagine if I just went in.

That'd be weird, right?

That'd be so fun.

- Anyway, see y'all later. - Okay, bye.

Phew.

Love you.

Love you.

- Whoa. - Another?

- Here. - Aaaah!

You good?

Yeah.

- Whoo! - ¡El Presidente!

- And the protest lady! - Whoo!

Welcome, my little turtledoves.

How are you?

Do you guys want to drink or smoke? Nothing?

Let me know, okay? I'm your guy tonight.

I'll take care of you. You're the best.

You guys honestly freak me out.

But I'm gonna miss you guys. Okay? It's all love.

Class of '19... for fuckin' ever! Whoo!

Um...

Ryan.

- Where? Where? - Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.

Oh, God.

- She's glowing. - Go get her.

Hug me.

- Okay. Get her. - Phew. Okay.

Get her. Flick the bean!

Molly, here's to you, gorgeous.

- Thank you. - Of course, of course.

Tanner, where's the rubbing alcohol? There's nothing strong enough.

- No. - Yep.

- No. - I'm here.

How?

I'm gonna go downstairs.

Well...

Bye, Gigi.

- I'm so stoked you're here, dude. - Thanks.

I've always wanted you to come out.

Oh, I-I am out.

I came out in the tenth grade.

No. I meant, like, come out and hang out on the weekend.

Oh, right, that... Hang out.

- Yeah, that's... that's what I meant also. - You know,

you need to have a little bit of fun before you go to Africa.

You remembered I'm going to Africa?

Of course. Aren't you gonna go to, like, Uganda or something?

Botswana. They'd kill me in Uganda.

Why?

'Cause that's country's not really a fan of gay people.

Oh, shit, that's crazy.

Would you be afraid to go to Uganda...

- Karaoke in the guest room! - Jesus!

God, I've missed you. Fuck.

Do you wanna go do karaoke in the guest room? I love that girl.

Yeah.

- Come on, let's go. - Okay.

Uh, elbows.

Oh, fuck. Re-rack, please?

Holy shit!

Wait, Molly's here?

What a fuckin' compliment to get Molly to roll.

Dude, are you actually here right now?

Is this some mirage? Am I fucking losing my mind?

Or did I actually get President Molly to come out on her weekend?

It's a purely ceremonial visit.

Okay, okay. Hey, why don't you sit here?

Yeah, right next to me, please.

Sit here and let's go.

I've been fuckin' waitin' for this since, like, seventh grade.

- Please. It's for you. - Oh.

This song goes out to my cast.

Shh.

Miss Fine.

Miss...

...Fine.

Señora Fine.

You ever made love to a Mexican?

Ooh, ooh, whoo!

Hey, listen, this pong

- is actually supposed to be my thing. - Hm?

So if you could just tone it down for my sake, my self-esteem...

No, I think you just have to step up your game.

- Oh! - You just have to rise to my level.

- It's not my fault. - To her level.

It's crazy we haven't hung out outside of school before, you know.

I used to think you were all work and no play, but...

you're actually pretty fun.

I...

I am fun.

Okay.

Hi, Miss Fine.

Hi, Theo.

Whoo!

This is amazing.

You're amazing.

You're 20, right?

Yeah.

You've got a mic. You've gotta sing.

- No. - Please.

- No. - Come on. Please?

Do it for me. Come on, Amy.

For you, okay...

You can tell she's not supporting. No breath control. But it's good.

- It's on pitch. Yeah.Yeah. - I support you, okay?

Oh, my God! Oh!

- Ready? - Mm-hmm.

Fuckin'...

Oh, God!

- Of course. - Nick, you need more...

- Are you okay? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You need more of an arc.

Like... no, too much flick. Like, hoo.

See, well, that's easy for you to say when you're, like, three feet tall.

I'm lookin' straight down at it.

How tall are you?

Well...

How tall do you think I am?

Five-four?

My teammates usually aren't this mean.

Oh, no, no, no, they're usually blonde and skinny,

- and they don't drink carbs. - Uh... No, no way, okay?

I fuck with Hufflepuffs.

Hu... Hufflepuff, like Harry Potter?

Yeah.

I mean, what, are you, like a...

half-Slytherin, half...

Ravenclaw, yep?

That is exactly what I am.

Yeah, you are.

Oh, fuck.

Okay, see, I'm gonna go take care of them, make sure they don't kill themselves.

- But you stay right here, yeah? - Yeah.

Okay, don't move. I'll come back in a moment. Don't move.

- I'm not gonna move. - Don't move. Yeah?

- I feel like you're gonna move. - No, I'm not... I'm not gonna move.

- Don't move. - Okay.

Oh, my God, there you are. How's it going? Did you find Ryan?

Did you guys go in the pool?

- What's going on? - Molly...

Things are going so well over here, like really, really, really well.

I'm being so mean to him, but it's working.

We talked about Harry Potter. He knows I'm a Slytherin.

- He seems to like it. - I think we should go home.

Wait, what? No. Just... just dry off.

No, I think we need to leave. Come on, let's go.

Are you nuts? No. He...

- Nick is fully... - No.

He's fully flirting with me.

This actually might happen.

- Listen to me, this might happen. - No, no.

Molly, please, I'm asking you, let's just go, okay?

- Ame, just go find Ryan. It'll be great. - Malala!

Amy, no.

- Are you kidding? - No, I...

I've done whatever you wanted all night, and I'm calling Malala, so come with me.

No, I'm not leaving just because you're doing the thing that you always do.

What is that supposed to mean?

Just... You...

You talk a big game, and then you give up just when things get uncomfortable.

Like you jumped in the pool, and now you're sad that you're wet, like...

- That's bullshit, Moll, that's bullshit. - No...

If I didn't drag you to do things, you just wouldn't do them.

You... you... you don't drag me.

You force me to do whatever you want to do.

What does that even mean?

You decide what we do and when we do it,

and then we always have to do it together,

- all the time. - I have to decide

because you literally decide nothing.

Like, I do all the heavy lifting in our friendship.

- You never take charge. - I take charge all the time!

You never take charge!

I always have to push you. Without me, you wouldn't do anything.

- I'm going to Africa without you. - Yeah, I encouraged your summer abroad.

I'm not going for the summer.

I'm going for the entire year.

What?

I'm taking a gap year.

I deferred Columbia until next fall.

When did you decide that?

When I applied.

In January? You've been lying to me since January?

Yeah, because I knew if I told you, you'd bully me into staying.

So all our schedules are gonna be off now.

We're not gonna graduate together,

not gonna go on a post-college trip together,

we're not gonna move to DC together, our whole plan...

That was your plan!

That was never my plan.

- It's always your plan! - I can't believe you!

You think that going to Africa makes you tough,

and you weren't even fucking brave enough to tell me about it!

You're a fucking coward, Amy!

You're selfish and mean!

You're a bad friend!

You're a fucking bad friend...

What the fuck?

I locked that.

Well, I guess you didn't.

What's wrong with you?

Fight with your wife?

Can you please just...

leave me alone?

Why are you even at a party?

Shouldn't you be, like, marching in some meaningless protest somewhere,

or, I don't know, in your bed doing homework?

You don't even know me.

- Pretty sure I do. - No.

You're just one of those people who claims they're honest,

or calling people on their shit,

when you're really just mean.

Wow.

Wow, I take it back.

You...

are a badass...

who takes no prisoners...

and cries in the bathroom at parties.

Why are you so cruel?

I just don't like meek people.

And you?

You're like Molly's little sidekick bitch.

Well, you're just a basic hot girl who's gonna peak in high school.

When'd you get here?

A while ago.

See Amy? She fucking freaked out on me. I don't know what's wrong with her.

Do people really think I had sex with a prostitute?

You didn't?

No.

Of course not. I haven't...

I haven't slept with anybody.

No one in this entire school knows me at all.

Except Gigi.

I'm a golden starfish!

Gigi, the girl who jumped off your boat

and gave you a prison tat while you were sleeping?

Oh, that wasn't about me.

She's a sad person, you know?

And yeah, she may be a little nuts, but...

she's the most loyal person I've ever met.

I mean, she once tried to shiv our mailman because she thought he laughed at me.

Turns out, he wasn't... he wasn't laughing at me at all.

He was just lookin' at a meme...

on his phone.

Plus, not everyone's lucky enough to find someone like you and Amy.

I'm just doin' my best so I can get out of here and...

find some people who are into the same weird shit I'm into.

Not like sex stuff. I mean, like, you know...

airplanes and musicals.

What?

I wanna design fuckin' airplanes.

Yeah, get rich off that, and then use the cash to produce some new musicals.

Enough with the revivals already. It's total bullshit.

Audiences deserve something original.

I think.

I don't know.

I should probably go make sure that's not an actual dead man's float.

Well, see you at graduation, Molly.

Whoa.

- Um... - Are you okay?

Yeah, sorry, I just, uh...

I just got a little dizzy for a second there.

- Um... - We can stop if you want.

No, we are not stopping.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

- Oh, oh! Oh. - Are you okay?

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

I should probably take off...

mine too.

Yeah.

It's a nice dress.

It's all she had.

Miss Fine.

Oh, my God. Of course.

Um...

How... How... How is that for you?

Um, it's okay.

Is... Is there, like, another way you would prefer, or, like, is this...

I ju... um...

I don't think that's the hole you think it is.

- Oh, my God. - No, it's okay.

- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. - No, it's okay.

Oh, my God.

I just... I'm not used to approaching it from that angle,

and my... my geometry was off...

- Seriously, don't worry about it. - I'm sorry.

Mm...

- Wh... - Are... are you good?

Aah! Oh, my God!

What the... what the fuck? Oh!

- I'm so sorry. - What the fuck?

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! - Eww!

Um...

Are... Are you okay?

Amy, just go.

Please go.

Oh, sh... Please fucking leave.

- Sorry, I'm going as fast as I can. - Go!

Hey, have you guys seen Amy?

- No. - No.

What the...

Wait.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Amy! Amy! Amy!

We're fucking sitting ducks. They're gonna come in here, they're gonna find us.

Shut the fuck up, Rob.

I am not a coward.

All right, focus up.

Wait for my signal. I'm gonna create a diversion.

What?

Hey!

No.

Really?

You know, this is why people say I gave guys roadside assistance, right?

I gave them a ride home, that's all.

Okay, that's not true, I blew them.

But it's not like they ran out of gas and I showed up to suck their dick

while they waited for help.

We hooked up in their car. It makes sense to hook up in a car.

I'm not gonna, like, suck a dick at my own home

where my father can walk in at any moment.

Also, I wanna enjoy it. Fucking sue me.

That makes a lot of sense.

You know what the worst part is?

All the fucking girls call me that, too.

I knew, like, Ben and Max and Dick Splinter would say stupid shit.

I just...

I didn't think the girls would, too.

Amy never called you that.

I'm sorry, I'm genuinely sorry.

Just, like, please don't call me Triple A at Yale next year.

I just want people to know my real name.

Of course.

Annabel.

Fuck, dude, no, not right now.

I'm sorry. That was bad.

- That wasn't my best. - Come on.

- Jesus Christ. - That was embarrassing for me.

I'm sorry for that too.

Wait, where the fuck do you live?

[phone buzzes

Fuck!

What?

All right.

- Well, just so you know, I know my rights. - Oh, my God.

There are more prisons than colleges in the United States.

- Did you know that? - You're right.

And it costs $71,000 to house an inmate in California.

That's more than Harvard.

- Yeah, really? - Well, it seems excessive.

Shotgun. Just kidding. I don't have one.

Oh, I'm actually... I'm actually here for someone else. I'm so sorry.

- My mistake. My mistake. My mistake. - Oh, my God!

Fuck you, dude.

Dude, you're in full-on jail.

Yeah, I know.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, it's okay.

I'm gonna have to pay a fine and go before the judge,

- but we both... - No, I'm sorry.

Uh... I know women apologize too much,

but, in this case, I have so much to be sorry for.

I was so selfish.

I... I was being a coward.

You called Malala.

I lied to you, Moll.

You were trying to save me from seeing Nick rub his boner all up against Ryan.

Oh, my God, can you believe that, by the way?

No. Honestly, no.

I would have guessed that Nick hooked up with Theo

before I would have guessed Ryan.

Nick and Theo do have great chemistry.

Divine. I mean, it's palpable.

I'm sorry I'm so controlling.

I just can't imagine my life without you.

You are the motherfucker who got arrested the night before graduation.

Oh, my God, graduation.

Molly, what... what time is it? You have to go.

Yeah, why do you think I'm here? You're coming with me.

Dude, no, I am screwed. I can't leave.

- You have to go. - Amy...

I am not graduating without you.

So either I get arrested and I join you in there or we go together.

How?

We're gonna trade some information.

Because we have seen this man.

What?

- Is that Jared's car? - I'll explain later.

- Am I driving? - Of course you're driving!

- Need this. Go! - Oh, that was my fault!

Okay, Waze says 19 minutes. We're doing it in seven.

Let's fuckin' do this.

Ah...

Hey, guys, let's go ahead and take a seat.

Stop!

Ooh.

Hey, Evelyn.

Um...

I just wanted to say...

Have a great summer.

That's what the kids are doin', right?

Have a great...

All right, cool.

Cool, cool, cool. Sickening.

Morning, my queen.

Hi.

So last night was amazing.

Can I see you again?

Mmm...

Good luck at Google next year, okay?

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Did you fuck Miss Fine?

Ha... Has anybody seen, uh, Molly?

'Cause we've gotta get started. She kicks it off. Huh? Nobody?

'Cause I haven't seen her either since yesterday

when we were at school, all of us, at school together.

So, Molly warned me she might be a little late

and tapped me to start her speech.

- Molly is gonna be late to graduation? - Yeah.

- That doesn't sound like her. - Right.

Well, uh, she also asked me to remind you that... um...

um...

I got it, uh...

This sort of thing happens all the time on the Senate floor.

And if a senator isn't present for a vote,

- a proxy can call for a motion... - Okay. That does sound like her.

- ...for the vote to take place... - I got it. Thanks, Jared.

- ...in her absence. - Okay, so...

So she tapped you?

- Tapped me. - Okay.

Yeah, fuck it, I approve, you're up. You're gonna kick it off.

- Oh. Oh. - Okay, there he goes.

- Yeah, yeah, Shantay, you stay, honey! - Oh, Jared!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Look at you.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I'm Molly Davidson.

Ah...

I am a woman.

- I am a powerful woman. - My boy!

And I'm ready to take the fists of my femininity to the status quo.

Straight, white man,

your time is...

Okay.

Oh, my God, my car is fucked up.

All right, I'm gonna go take my seat. I'm gonna go take my seat.

Come on. Come on! Look who made it!

Whoo!

- Amy! - Amy!

Whooooo!

Thank you.

Okay.

Looks like Jared did a pretty good job.

Yes, he did.

Yes, he did.

- Whoo! - Yeah!

I...

I was so...

scared of you.

I felt like I had to prove that I was better than you.

But really...

I don't know any more than you guys.

All I know is that we have a lot more to learn.

'Cause this part's over.

And that's so sad.

But it was great, wasn't it?

Things are never gonna be the same, but... it was perfect.

And... And I may not have before, but...

I see you now.

And you're all pretty great.

Don't let college fuck it up.

Congratulations.

I... I see you.

Whooo! Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Yes!

Okay. Okay.

That went over,

but I will not be cutting down my allotted time.

Gigi, hit the track.

- That's pretty good. - Know what's good?

If you roll these...

- Hm? - ...and then you'll have more room.

- Oh, probably not rolling them. - Yeah, but...

- Well, why does it have to be... - Oh! Look! Oh!

- God, you're bringing Lingling. - Mm.

- Well... - Oh, Lingling!

- Um... - No.

- Please be good to my Amy. - I've gotta pack up.

- Make her feel like she's not so lonely. - Pack it up.

Make her feel good. Mm!

- Amy, make it stop. - Gotta put that in the old suitcase.

Please don't put your face on the face.

Make it stop.

- On the head, on the neck. - Not the nose.

- I got... - Amy, there's...

Look who she's bringing.

Okay.

Lingling?

- No! - Oh, let me get in there.

No, no...

Uh...

Amy, there's, uh, someone here to see you.

- Hm? - Who?

What?

- Oh. - Why is she here?

Excuse me.

Amy, why is she here?

Hey.

Hey.

I figured I'd bring back your clothes.

Oh. Thanks so much.

I don't... I don't usually leave my underwear

in... in places that are...

that aren't my room.

Yeah, I figured.

So, um...

How... how...

Are... Are you... Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

You know...

- prison kind of changes you, but, uh... - Mmm.

I'm fine.

I'm sorry, I just... I really don't know what I'm doing with all that stuff yet.

Well, for...

someone who has no idea what they're doing...

you kind of know what you're doing.

That's a...

Aah.

Um, that's cool.

So, how... Uh...

How is your... How is... How is your summer going?

I mean, wh... what are you doing for... for the summertime?

I think I'm gonna backpack around for a bit.

- Really? - Yeah.

Where?

I don't know. Honestly, anywhere I can find a couch to crash on.

I just... you know, I wanna see some stuff before college.

That's... that's really cool.

Me too, that's... that's why I'm taking a gap year.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, well...

have fun, nerd.

Um, well, if... if you ever end up in... in Botswana...

you'd have a couch to crash on.

Okay.

Well, technically, it won't be my couch, 'cause I'll be staying with a family,

- but I'm sure they'll be cool with it. - Okay.

Yes.

Yes.

Molly!

Amy, this thing drives like a cruise ship.

Well, it's yours now.

Take care of the old Volvo for me.

Oh, speaking of vulva,

remember when you missed Hope's,

and you just went straight for that butt hole!

I said... I said, "once a day."

- Hey, I have to stock up. - Once a day.

- You're gonna be on a flight for 28 hours. - I said you could mention it once a day.

- So I have to stock up. - Aah!

It's not my fault.

Yeah. It feels weird to be on this side of the car.

It's like everything's... different.

Yeah, I can't believe I'm not gonna see you tomorrow.

Call me on that weird international flip phone, okay?

I will.

Okay.

- Bye. I love you. - Bye.

Love you.

Bye.

- Go make those tampons, girl. - I will. I...

- Bye. - Bye.

Oh, gotta get that bag.

Yep. Yeah, it's... it's a long trip.

Go get 'em.

What's a year?

Okay.

- Oh, fuck! - Fuck!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I was going through a thing!

- You weren't... You're... - Aah!

I was going through a whole fucking thing!

What the fuck?

- I can be the last one on the plane. - What's wrong with you?

You wanna get pancakes?

Fuck, yeah, I do! Fuck, yeah!

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