Original subtitles

♪♪

And when the not-so-cute boy pony asked out

the girl pony, she said...

-"Neigh"! -Yeah!

-Watch out, watch out... -Ow! Ow! Ow!

-Lift it a little bit, come on. -Ouch! My hand!

-All right, what are you doing? -Can you believe it?

Somebody just left this chair on the street.

Yeah. Maybe they died before they could get it all the way to the dumpster.

Ben, you don't need to bring in everything

you find outside.

Oh, no offense.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

-TV: What a play! -Oh, come on! That's holding!

Hey, guys, turn up the volume a little.

Oh, and I'm gonna need another beer,

so volume and beer. And pretzels!

You know what? Why don't you guys just throw me the rem--

-Oh... -(elevator dings)

All right, just for that, I'm not gonna let

either of you have your turn in Chairy Lee Lewis.

Ben? Hi.

I'm kind of afraid to ask what you're doin'.

It's my new chair. Pretty cool, right?

Whether kickin' back, watchin' sports,

or just putting your hand in the waistband of your shorts,

it's a sign that you're finally a man.

You know what I like most about you?

Your ability to not care when people are laughing at you.

But I'm actually glad to see you.

I finally found a new job,

so this is my official two-week notice.

I think it'd be better for both of us

if we just didn't work together.

You agree, right?

No.

Maybe? I guess.

Look, I'm really sorry about everything

that's happened or didn't happen between us.

Me too.

I'm gonna go grab Riley for yoga.

See you around, Ben.

I'll be right here just being a man.

(creak)

(knocking)

Knock, knock.

Hey, Tuck, can you help me get rid of this stupid chair?

Oh, no, no. Been there, done that, not touching it.

No, no, no.

Why don't you ask Danny for help?

Oh, right, you can't, you're in a fight.

You think you're right, he thinks he's right.

I'm the only one that's right 'cause I think you both crazy.

Are you done?

What's with the suit? Did somebody die?

Oh, my god, did somebody die?

I'm so sorry.

No, the station is sending me out to cover

a big entertainment story.

Oh! Tucker, that's great!

A beauty pageant for toddlers.

Oh...

Tucker, that's horrible.

Can I...

You know what? Those pageants,

they aren't even for the kids.

They're really for the moms who are trying to make up

for the lack of fulfillment in their own lives.

They are certainly no place for a pudgy four-year-old

with a lazy eye and a heart of gold.

Oh, no, no, she doesn't even get to compete!

Oh, my god.

Wait, Riley, I think your sad, pathetic, tragic childhood

may have just come in handy.

Yeah, I just need to expose the-- the dark underbelly

of the toddler beauty pageant circuit.

A Tucker Dobbs exclusive...

(whispers) exclusive, exclusive...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just need to find a mom who's willing to act like

a complete jackass in front of a camera.

Hey, guys!

(panting)

Oh, man...

it is hard outrunning a police horse.

Unrelated, if a guy named Brick calls,

tell him the drop has been made.

Okay, what's with the hand signals

and the darty eyes?

Nothing.

Tucker just has to cover this baby beauty pageant

and he thought it'd be fun to profile

one of the moms or grandmoms.

That's so lame, right?

(scoffs) Uh, no, not lame.

Everybody loves a good pageant story.

You know, I was two-time runner up

Miss Teen Northeastern New Jersey

till a very large baby bump derailed my career.

Hey, I have a brilliant idea.

What if I entered Emma?

Wow. Uh, yeah.

That is brilliant, but I don't know.

I mean, what will Ben say?

Nothing, because he doesn't need to know.

Just like he didn't know that I accidentally

vacuumed up his pet iguana Charles.

We lost a great vacuum that day.

Oh, good morning, Chaireem Abdul Chairbar.

What's this?

"Dear Ben, can't shake the feeling that

"there's still something between us.

"If you know who this is and you feel the same way,

"meet me at Cafe Georgia tonight at 7:00.

If I don't see you, I'll know we weren't meant to be."

Oh, my god,

that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard!

Who's it from?

She didn't sign it.

You think it might be Sam?

Oh! It has to be Sam!

You mean the Sam who literally says every day,

"Ben, stay away from me. "Ben, stop talking to me.

Ben, stop staring at my boobs"?

Yeah, that Sam.

I mean, if it's not her, then who is it?

I mean, there have got to be dozens of women out there

who wouldn't mind another spin on the Wheeler.

What if you go

and it's not someone you like,

then that poor girl is completely embarrassed

and humiliated?

Oh, my god, could you think like a dude

and not a teenage girl just once?

I'll get there early, check her out,

if I don't like what I see, I'll hide out in the men's room

until she leaves, heartbroken.

I'm not a complete jerk.

You know what, this is actually a really great idea.

Yeah, I'll bet Riley misses me just as much

as I miss her, she just doesn't know how to tell me.

I'm gonna write her a note telling her to meet me

down at the bar tonight to see if she feels the same way.

Cool.

Hey, what if the girl who wrote me this note was Riley?

Wouldn't that be hilarious?

No?

(door opens)

-Tucker: All right, look... -(door closes)

you will never, ever hear me say this to you again.

When we get there, be yourself.

Oh, hey.

Off to the pageant?

Oh, good luck, Emma.

She doesn't need luck.

She has me, someone who understands

how important it is to look her best...

clearly something you give zero patoots about.

(chuckles) For example,

you have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

That's not toilet paper.

-It's garbage. -(ding)

Pretty girl.

-I'm actually going down too. -Well, just take another.

-Bonnie: Take the next one. -Oh, my gosh.

Oh, good, you survived.

So?

How'd it go?

Get any crazy footage?

Um, unfortunately, no. No.

The cameras weren't even rolling before someone got thrown out

for trying to bribe the judges.

Oh, my god.

What kind of pathetic lowlife tries to cheat little kids?

Oh, don't you judge me, Perrin.

(scoffs) I mean,

it's not like I tried to blackmail them.

Oh, man!

That's what I should've done!

God!

They have not seen the last of Bonnie Wheeler.

(door closes)

I wish I'd seen the last of Bonnie Wheeler.

(high-pitched) Riley...

have I ever told you how much I love you?

-Only when you need something. -(chuckle)

-I love you. -Oh...

Please? Come on, come on, come on, I need more footage.

I need you to go undercover as Emma's mom to help me

catch one of the real moms behaving horribly.

Tucker, no!

Okay? These pageants go against everything I believe in.

Which is why you should do this!

Do it for every woman out there who doesn't have a voice.

Do it for every pudgy, cross-eyed girl

with a bad perm and corrective shoes

who didn't have a chance.

I never said anything

about a bad perm or corrective shoes.

Was I wrong?

No.

You know what? Fine. All right.

Gives me a good reason to avoid Danny.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I'm saving this chair for the love of my life.

We're sort of on a break.

Actually, she would say we were broken up,

but I think she needs to stop focusing on the past

and realize what's truly important is our future.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I'm saving this chair for the love of my life.

Yeah, we're sort of on a break.

Actually, she would say we were broken up,

but I think she just needs to stop focusing on the past

and realize what's truly-- Okay, cool.

Ben!

Julia?

Julia!

Julia!

It's you!

Wow, I didn't...

You're here early!

I love this place.

If you remember, this is where we had our first date.

Oh, I remember.

I also remember it was our only date.

Yeah, about that...

I'm really sorry.

I think I just overreacted.

Honestly.

I've regretted it ever since.

Well, if you're in the mood to regret things,

why don't we go back to my place?

(chuckles awkwardly)

I bet you regret that line.

I do.

It's okay.

-It actually worked. -Oh.

Hey, have you seen this guy?

Oh, yeah. He just left with some girl he picked up.

Of course he did.

Did he hit on you too?

A little.

You know, I have to tell ya,

it was pretty brave, you writing that note.

I don't think I would've had the guts to do it.

Thanks.

Wait, what are you talking about?

The note that you wrote.

I didn't write a note.

What?

Then what are we doing on my couch?

I thought making a pit stop on the way to the bedroom.

Well, if you didn't write this, then who did?

Maybe the girl you were supposed to meet.

You know what? Whoever she is,

she's too good for you.

Well, I'd agree with you if I knew who she was!

(door closes)

Maybe all hope isn't lost.

You left before Note Girl got there,

so just tell her something came up.

Did you forget the part where I don't know who she is?

Uh, exactly!

Exactly, man!

Uh, which is why...

which is why you...

you-- you're gonna write her a note,

and yup, yup, you are gonna write her a note

and you are gonna beg her for a second chance.

All right? Just tell her you will meet you at the bar

and, uh, just put the note in the chair.

-What do you think I should say? -Uh...

you know, maybe something like, uh...

"Truly sorry I missed you last night.

Please give me a second chance",

you know, something-- something like that,

but ,uh, maybe a little bit longer.

Yeah.

Oh, almost forgot to tell you, Riley came by earlier

to pick up Emma to take her to preschool,

so no need to follow up on that story, okay?

-Let's get it. -Wait a minute,

what the hell is this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Morty, what are you doing?

That's my brother's.

I know it looks like an old chair,

but it holds a lot of hopes and dreams.

I had a futon like that once.

I get it.

Oh, hey, what's this?

"Truly sorry I missed you last night.

"Please give me a second chance.

This whole thing is my fault."

"This whole thing is my fault."

Oh, my god, this is from Riley!

Riley? Is that a guy or a girl?

She's a girl.

Girl? Wow.

My gaydar's way off.

(chatter)

My little Emma's gotta keep on winning that prize money.

We spent her last prize on a treadmill.

Not for me, for her.

She just can't lose that baby fat.

How 'bout you?

Oh, we're not here to win money.

My daughter begged me to do it.

She loves to dance so much.

I'm just here to support her.

But don't you sort of love the glory too?

I mean, a win for Emma is really a win for me,

you know what I mean?

Well, I sure hope you win then.

Sounds like you really need it.

This is a disaster.

Everybody here is nice and supportive.

Why do good people always have to happen to me?

Where the crazy ladies at?

Ah!

Nothing like the smell of hairspray,

tanning lotion, and baby tears.

I'm home!

Lucy Carmichael,

pageant coach to the stars.

Lose that bow, kid.

Red is so over.

You!

You two look like you could use my help.

What are you-- what are you doing here?

I'm here to help make sure Emma upholds my legacy.

We're not trying to win.

She's only entered as our cover story.

Look, if my granddaughter is in this pageant,

she is gonna win this pageant,

and you can't deliver.

(scoffs) Can't deliver?

If I wanted to deliver, I'd deliver all over this place.

Oh, yeah, and what are you gonna teach her

for her talent portion, how to stay home

on Saturday nights and eat day-old cake over a sink?

Oh, okay, and what are you gonna teach her,

how to get pregnant at 17 and marry a gay man?

-Oh, yeah, it's getting real. -Oh!

Oh, my god, the note's gone.

It worked!

(ding)

Oh, hey!

I was just coming to meet you.

Why don't you just come in and--

Oh, my god, I missed you!

Oh, my god, get off me!

I feel like I missed something.

Look, Riley, we're both to blame here.

I'm just so happy we can finally get past this.

And to think, it's all 'cause of this chair.

Are you drunk?

No!

I got your note where you said it was all your fault.

I didn't write this.

You know how you'd know?

'Cause none of it was my fault.

All right? This is your brother's handwriting.

I hope you two are very happy together.

Hey, have you seen Ben?

Yeah. He's over there about to show

yet another girl the inside of his mouth.

Hey, Ben. Can I talk to you for a quick second?

-It's kind of important. -Yeah, just one second.

Dude, you're not gonna believe this.

She's Note Girl. We went out a few years ago.

Ben, she's not Note Girl.

I'm Note Girl.

Danny, I don't know where to go with this,

but I guess I'll start with "Dude, we're brothers."

No, I mean I found your note

and thought it was from Riley.

I'm sorry, man, but that girl didn't come here for you.

You're quite the catch these days, Romeo.

I'm actually not.

She was supposed to be someone else.

I thought she left me a note,

but afraid I'll never find out who sent it.

It was me, you idiot!

It was me! It was me! It was me!

I wrote the note!

You did?

Why didn't you sign it?

Because I thought if we were meant to be,

then you would know it was me!

Sam, I wanted it to be you.

You were my first choice!

Really? After whoever you picked up last night,

and now Heather?

Heather! That's her name.

-Sam, I'm sorry. -Forget it.

It wasn't enough to completely reject me

while I'm naked in bed with you.

You had to do it a couple more times

just for good measure?

Consider me humiliated.

Congratulations, you finally got back

at the stuck-up cheerleader who ignored you in high school.

Sam, wait, I...

(applause)

It's just so sad.

You know how many of these girls dream

of becoming models and actresses only to fail

and grab the lowest branch that is real estate?

God, that got real quick.

Okay, Emma's up next.

Wait, where's her wig?

Do you have any idea how many dolls

I had to scalp to make that thing?

It doesn't matter, okay?

I stayed up all night teaching her my amazing dance routine.

Step, ball, change.

Step, ball, change.

Yeah, well, that's gonna be awkward because

I spent all morning teaching her my routine.

Shimmy-shimmy jazz hands. Shimmy-shimmy jazz hands.

I'm her coach, it is my trophy.

-Your trophy? -Yeah.

Unbelievable. You have clearly lost sight of who's

doing all the work here.

Me! It is my trophy.

I don't know who's winning Tiny Darlings,

but they are about to shimmy-shimmy jazz hands

their way into today's top story.

-( Yankee Doodle playing) -Oh my god, she looks so cute.

All right, come on, Emma! Fluff those ruffles!

Come on! Come on, honey! Just like we rehearsed, okay?

And big smile!

And dance, Emma, dance!

You look like an insane person.

And I'm the one wearing a $5 wig.

I've got it, I've got this, okay? I've worked so hard.

Lasso! Lasso! Lasso! Lasso!

Blow a kiss, see where it goes!

Blow a kiss, see where it goes!

-All right, sparkle! Sparkle! -That is it! That is it!

My granddaughter is not having fun anymore.

And if she's not happy, I'm not happy.

And you people should be ashamed of yourselves,

allowing a clearly deranged woman

to force a toddler to do a terrible dance routine.

No! No, no, no, stop, stop! She's got this, okay?

I am winning this thing!

Riley Perrin is a winner!

Cheerleaders: Whoo!

Look, girls, I'm sure you all have great fake IDs,

but the high school cheerleader outfits are kind of a dead giveaway.

Cheerleaders: Ready? Okay! His name is Ben.

He is a fool.

Go out with him.

That might be cool.

Go... Ben!

Ben, what the hell are you doing?

You said you were done being humiliated.

Well, now it's my turn.

Pom-poms down!

-I'm doin' this dance... -(clapping rhythmically)

...to get another chance.

Let me take you out

or I'll scream and shout!

I was stupid

I must admit.

I even learned

to do the splits.

Ow! Oh god. No! Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow.

You can stop now.

If you're willing to do something this crazy,

then maybe I'm crazy enough to give you a second chance.

Thank you. You ever kiss a cheerleader before?

Once, but it was a dare.

Cheerleaders: Whoo!

No, no, no, stop, stop! She's got this, okay?

I am winning this thing!

Riley Perrin is a winner!

(lip syncing to himself) This is Tucker Dobbs...

revealing the horrifying truth about parents

who pathetically live through their children.

Be careful, America.

Oh my god.

That's me.

Like that's really me.

It's like I always have to win...

with work, with sports, with everything.

-No, what? No! -No, you? Oh, come on!

You're a little kitty kat.

Yeah, you don't do-- you don't do that.

That's even what I did with Danny.

I have to go.

Oh, hey.

Thank you?

Danny... I'm so sorry.

I was trying to win an argument that nobody can win.

That's okay. We were both wrong.

I don't wanna win anymore.

Neither do I.

I just wanna be with you.

Ben: Can you believe it?

Uncle Danny and Aunt Riley are back together,

and Daddy scored a date with Sam.

But right now, I get to spend the night

with my best girl.

I love you, baby.

I love you, Daddy.

Think you're ready for a chair of your own?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Can I grab you a cold one?

There you go.

-Cheers. -Cheers.