Original subtitles

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I am sending this beautiful plant to a dear friend.

I believe it's feeding time.

These carnivorous plants get quite hungry.

This one has been quite useful around here as a garbage disposal.

I shall hate to part with it.

But I know my friend will love it.

And I am sure, it will love him too.

Shut your stupid beak.

A dog gets housebroke at three months.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Where's your pride?

You're worse than a pelican.

Hermie! Hermie!

Yeah? Did you feed Romeo his banana?

I'm gettin' to it.

Don't keep him waiting too long.

The poor thing must be ravenous!

How'll you have it, stupid? Sliced?

Slice it for him, Hermie!

Hermie, did you hear what I said? I heard you!

You marry a woman the mental age of 10 and you wind up

bedroom steward to a blasted Noah's Ark.

You are the cutest little chameleon I ever did see.

What's the matter, precious?

Upset because you can't turn polka dotted?

Hermie, that's the mailman!

Hope you choke on it.

Slob.

I never in my life saw a fish stand on its tail like that one.

Bang, he hit!

Then I set the hook, swish, and up he went,

right on his tail, six, eight foot, just like a rocket.

Like to pull me out of the boat.

Hi, henpeck. How's the menagerie?

You shut up about Hermie, George.

He's the best little zookeeper

on Bougainvillea Street. Ain't you, Hermie?

You both through? You can give me the mail.

All right. All right.

Slob!

Hermie, I think they made up.

Well, good for them.

Wasn't a serious quarrel after all.

She probably got to nagging him.

A seahorse can't take that day in and day out, you know.

Gets up every morning, looks at the same old face.

Sits around all day, listens to a lot of yakety-yak.

How do you know?

I read a book once.

Here, you want to endorse this,

I'll take it over to the bank before it closes.

Do you know what I think about the seahorses, Hermie?

What? I think it was the food.

He don't like her cooking?

Oh, be serious, will you?

I think he was under-nourished.

It's the vitamin D in that new baby brine shrimp you got last week.

Come on, sweetheart. Get some more today.

Okay. Oh, be sure, now.

Ah, let's see.

$200 for deposit.

$50 for grocery money.

And $10 for your allowance.

Ten?

Now, Hermie, we have been through all that before, I am not made of money.

Okay. And remember the brine shrimp.

Yeah. The vitamin D.

And Hermie? Yeah?

One beer!

Well, how long have you and Myra been married, Hermie?

Fifteen years.

Fifteen years. Oh, I envy you.

Why? Well, I...

A home ain't a home without a woman in it.

You got yourself a home, Hermie. A real home.

You got your roots down deep.

You got your own little family.

I ain't had that for, let me see now...

Nine long years.

Yeah, she's been gone nine years this month.

How'd you manage that?

Huh?

Uh, what took her off?

Pneumonia.

Oh.

How do you get pneumonia in Florida, George?

Kansas City. Oh!

Myra wouldn't move to Kansas City.

Who wants to move to Kansas City?

I mean, in case anyone was to ask her,

"Would you move to Kansas City?"

It's an 11-to-one shot she'd say no.

Nothing wrong with Kansas City.

Oh, I never said there was. My wife loved it.

She said there was no place in the world like Kansas City.

She was a good woman, Hermie.

Life ain't been the same since she took off.

I suppose not.

Well, she...

She left me pretty well fixed.

I don't want for nothing.

But life just ain't the same.

I wandered around for more than two years, trying to forget.

Hawaii, Acapulco,

Las Vegas, Monte Carlo.

But life just ain't the same without a woman in the house.

Everything so...

So quiet. I suppose so.

Have a beer? Sure.

Since she's been gone, my life is nothing but beer and fishing.

Hermie!

I got to get her some brine shrimp, for the seahorses.

So long, George.

Come on, baby doll. Come on out and play with mama.

Whatever is wrong with Franklin?

Got a load of bad sunflower seed, I guess.

Here's the shrimp with vitamin D.

Put it down. I'll get to it in a minute.

The article says they're affectionate,

he seems kind of self-centered to me.

What'd I tell you?

For heaven's sake, Hermie, don't say I told you so.

Well, I did, didn't I?

Well, look what the article says, on the couch.

Page 16.

It says turtles make very intelligent,

interesting and affectionate pets.

You see it, Hermie?

Uh...

Yeah.

Baby doll, you still in there?

Sure he ain't dead?

Don't be silly. But I don't think he feels well.

Baby, come out.

Maybe he's got hives.

He's coldblooded.

When they're coldblooded, I guess they don't ever get real fond of you.

Oh, I don't know.

After all, a snake is coldblooded.

What does that prove?

Well, a snake is the most affectionate pet in the world.

Everybody knows that.

Look at that. He's been in there for 15 minutes.

You know, I've been thinking.

You know what you ought to do, honey?

You ought to get yourself a snake.

Why?

Well, a snake wouldn't pull that kind of stunt on you.

How could a snake go inside?

Where would it go? And if it could, it wouldn't want to.

You get the right snake, you got yourself a real pal.

You think so? Sure.

Well, people say they can't stand the sight of snakes.

Oh, that's a lot of prejudice.

Besides, everyone don't think that way.

People that know snakes in person

don't think that way at all.

Remember that act in Tampa you wouldn't go to see?

The snake dance striptease?

Well, that dame had 'em twining all around her.

There was a picture of it on the billboard.

You remember that.

What do they eat? An egg.

All you do is whistle when it's dinner time

and they just sit right up and beg.

What you want is a nice little snake.

I could carry it around with me.

Down the front of your dress.

Well, that's where they carry 'em.

Right where it could peek out at people.

Be cute as the devil.

Well, I don't like snakes.

Okay, okay, don't have one then.

No snakes, snakes out.

I'm not trying to sell you a bill of goods, so forget it.

Let him kill it.

Skin it.

Make a pair of shoes for a midget.

You mean you know a snake?

Well, this pet shop fella in Miami is stuck with this cute little snake.

And he don't know what to do with it.

Does he have to kill him? Yup.

You know what the price of eggs has gone up to.

Would he give him away to a real good home?

Nope. The snake skin is worth money.

This guy's got to eat.

All the same, he can't hardly face up to killing him.

It's so darn loyal.

He said this snake's got eyes like a cocker spaniel.

What if I went to the pet shop to see him.

Oh no, no! That's where you went wrong with the turtle.

He still connects you with the pet shop where he was so miserable.

Look at him, he's all withdrawn.

Listen, if I was a snake, I'd like to be put in a box,

and not know where I was going.

And find myself being unwrapped by someone just like you, Myra.

In a nice, quiet room, with the door shut.

You would? Yeah.

Really? Yeah!

You know something, Myra?

He told me, it takes all day for a snake to die.

Hey, kid. Is this place called Melodie?

Yeah. You want to make a nickel?

Show me where this fellow hangs out, this snakeologist.

Herpetologist.

Yeah, Herpet... Uh, yeah.

Snakes, lizards, gators, turtles, mice.

I'm lookin' for the fellow that runs this ad.

Eidelpfeiffer.

Herpetologist. That's me. You?

Hansel Eidelpfeiffer.

Naturalists, pet shops, medical schools, and museums supplied.

Live reptiles for scientific purposes.

And rare collectors' items.

What are you doin' there? Frogs.

For my aquatic species. Oh.

You want to buy something?

Well, I tell you, Hansel. I'm a professor.

I'm, uh, involved in some crucial research

on the, uh, Cape Canaveral thing.

Professor, huh?

Now, what we want is a tiptop, high powered, poisonous snake.

A real stinger. Hmm.

Well, let's see. Crotalus?

Crotalus adamanteus? Horridus?

Or what about Ancistrodon?

No, no. Nothing imported.

Just a decent, straightforward American snake

like you'd come on in your own backyard.

Those are copperheads and rattlesnakes.

I was just giving you the Latin names, Professor.

Why sure.

Don't know what I was thinkin' of,

what with these mosquitoes buzzin' around me all the time.

Look, kid, I ain't interested in a rattler.

What I need is something with a lot of class, little and cute.

With plenty of zing.

How about Tyrannosaurus rex?

Look, Hassenpfaffer, I came here for a yard of snake,

not a yard of highbrow talk.

You got somethin' like I said, let's do business.

If you ain't, say so, and don't keep me standin' around here gettin' bit!

How about a coral snake?

How's it for size?

Twenty inches.

Packs a high grade of poison?

It certainly does.

Good lookin?

It's got bands around it,

black and red and yellow.

It looks like the scarlet king snake,

handsomest of American reptiles. Here...

Here, read what it says.

Deadliest type of poison in North or South America.

Akin to that of the cobra.

That's my baby.

What you want it for?

They've got no right lettin' a kid like you advertise.

Here the country's needin' scientists

and my time is being wasted drivin' all the way down here to a little punk

who don't know a snake from a tapeworm.

Keep your snake and I'll keep my top secret information and my dough as well!

Listen, pal. Let's make ourselves a deal.

A little bitsy one like that can't come so very high, I guess. Three bucks?

Four? Ten.

Ten? That's what I said.

Look, Hassenpfaffer, I'm gonna let you in on this top secret information,

even though you ain't showin' a very patriotic attitude.

Our scientists over at Canaveral

want to see if we can beat the Russians puttin' a snake on the moon.

Five bucks?

Ten.

Split the difference. Make it 7.50.

Ten.

Want it wrapped? In a carton.

Make it a good, strong one.

Hermie, you remembered.

Our 15th anniversary.

Listen, you can hear him in there.

Hermie, you went out and bought him with your own allowance.

Well, honey, I...

Oh, Hermie, sometimes you just surprise me to pieces.

You used your own money, just for me.

Let's open him. Wait, hold it.

What's the matter? Well, uh, that's a trained snake, Myra.

He's tame, affectionate.

He does an act.

He does? Sure.

You can tie him around your leg for a garter,

or around your neck, or anywhere.

You just stick his tail in his mouth like the two ends of a necklace.

How darling!

The guy told me all about him.

He said you got to love him up,

you got to make a pet of him,

you got to let him do his stuff right from the very start.

And he'll be just crazy about you.

Let's undo him. Oh, wait.

Now, let me get out of here.

See, I don't want him seeing me first.

He might take to me, instead of you.

That's herpetology.

Herpe-what? Snake psychology.

Now, I'll just go for a little walk

and give you some time to love him up

and get real friendly with him.

Well, go to it, sweetie.

He's all yours.

Thank you, Hermie.

Slob.

One word and tomorrow you're a feather duster.

The way I see it, Hermie, you got two problems.

You got to find a hotel for that livestock and you got to train Myra to drink beer.

You get them two things settled... What's the matter?

Uh, it's almost 6:00. I gotta go.

Ah, sit down and relax.

Here, I'll split this one with you. It's the last one.

Ah, no thanks, George.

Yeah, you get that dame to drink beer with you,

and the next thing you know, she'll wanna go fishing

and after that, there's no telling what she'll do.

Might even raise your allowance.

Can't even keep gas in your tank on 10 bucks a week, boy.

Well, thanks for the beer, George. I got to go.

Hermie.

Yeah? Put the bite on her!

Shorty. Huh?

Here's a nickel. Gimme a loan of the bat.

What for? Never mind what for. A nickel for five minutes.

Gimme.

Myra?

Myra?

I'm in here, Hermie.

Where?

In the bedroom.

Hermie, I'm hurt.

Hurt?

Come here, Hermie.

Myra?

Hermie.

He doesn't like me.

What do you mean, he don't like you?

That fellow must've fast talked you into a bad deal.

That's a cold snake if I ever saw one.

I'm really hurt, Hermie.

What'd you do with him? I put him to bed.

Oh.

What's that for? Hmmm?

The bat? Oh!

I've been popping flies to the kids.

I'm really discouraged, Hermie, it's just like I told you.

He's a coldblooded thing and he just can't work up a love for people.

I could fix him an egg. He might be sweeter to me.

You hold him.

He bit me. He bit me.

Well, you scared him, Hermie.

How can we ever catch him now?

Myra! Myra!

I'll put some Mercurochrome on that.

Never can tell where their teeth have been.

They've been in me!

Myra!

Oh, what's the matter, Hermie?

Myra, I'm gonna die.

Get a doctor, it's a poisonous snake.

Oh, Hermie, you wouldn't give me a poisonous snake.

Hermie?

Mr. Bay!

George, come quick!

I'm going to get rid of all the animals, every last one of them.

Because every time I look at one,

I'll think of Hermie.

You've got to go on, Mrs. Jenson.

I'm going to sell the house,

go away.

Europe. Hawaii.

The South Seas.

But you know, it won't be the same.

Here he is.

Alive and kickin'.

Well, I was right. Sure.

He's not poisonous?

Of course not.

Hermie never would slip you a hot snake.

This is a king snake, that's not a coral.

They just look alike.

As I told you, Mrs. Jenkins,

your husband died of a heart attack.

Poor Hermie. Right up to the last, he was kidding.

Always kidding.

I'm attempting to improve on nature

by giving this flower a more inviting scent.

I want my friend to get quite close.

This perfume has such a suggestive name

I'm not even allowed to mention it on the air.

The saleswoman told me it's infallible in attracting men.

This was the last bottle they had.

Their entire supply was bought up by the Army recruiting office.

I shall return next time with another story.

Until then, goodnight.