All language subtitles for 2x20.EN

You scared me to death.
What are you doing?

Getting a close-up of your face.

I'm too close. Did you have
a poppy-seed bagel for breakfast?

Put that down.
What do you think you're doing?

Making a video
for my class at the junior college.

Really? It sounds like fun.

I'm glad you think so.
I want you as one of the stars.

I don't think so.
I'm uncomfortable in front of a camera.

Besides, I always come out
looking like Fess Parker.

This is a documentary.
It's OK if you're not good-Iooking.

Rose, stop trying to appeal to my ego.
The answer is no.

Sophia,
how would you like to star in my video?

Are there any nude love scenes?

No.

If it's integral to the plot,
I'm happy to do it.

Dorothy, Sophia wants to be
in my video. Why won't you?

Dorothy's always been camera-shy.

You'd be, if you looked like
Fess Parker in heels.

Blanche, how do you feel about
performing in front of a video camera?

It's OK as long as you've had
at least three dates.

It's for my video class.

My final project is A Day
In The Life Of My Roommates.

Sure, honey, that sounds like fun.

Thank you, Blanche.
You're a real friend. You and Sophia.

I'll just shoot around Dorothy.

Alright, alright, Rose, I'll do it.

But just don't shoot from too low.

Stan used to do that in our home movies

and I always looked like someone
from another planet.

She looked like Fess Parker
from another planet.

I just got an invitation to the reunion
of my college sorority, the Alpha Gams.

I belonged to a sorority when I was
in college, the Alpha Yams.

It was an agricultural college.

I cannot wait
to see my sorority sisters.

Scarlett and Melanie
and all the rest of the girls.

It's gonna be exactly like old times.

Maybe not just exactly.

The other girls will have grown
wrinkled and saggy through the years,

while I have remained
unbelievably devastating.

I cannot wait to go back there
and rub their noses in it.

It's wonderful. You make lifelong bonds
when you join a sorority.

I never belonged to one.
I was blackballed.

I think that is so cruel.

The Alpha Yams
didn't have blackballing.

We believed that any girl
who wanted to help her community

and foster a feeling of sisterhood

- should be allowed to join.
- Very commendable.

As long as she could castrate a sheep.

There was a service organisation
in Sicily

with similar membership requirements.
Except that instead of a sheep,

it usually involved
a mayor from a neighbouring town.

Ma.

Some of Italy's finest sopranos
were former mayors.

Hi, Rose.

Dorothy, you're supposed to pretend
I'm not here.

Look, I'm sorry, Rose, but ever since
you filmed me naked doing a pedicure,

I've become slightly aware
of your presence.

Dorothy, my child.
Sunshine of my life.

You got that in a close-up, Rose?

Why are you dressed like someone who
just escaped from It's A Small World?

Come, my darling daughter.

Mother has made you
your favourite breakfast.

Lasagne in meat sauce?

Doesn't it look delicious?

And think, for just $5.95,
the recipe can be yours.

Hold it. Stop. Stop the camera. Cut.

The director's the one
who says when to cut.

Unless the actor is big and mad.

Ma, what is going on?

Dorothy, this could be my big chance.

With the exposure I get, I could hawk
my recipes around the country.

That's ridiculous.

No. If you wanna move your product,
you gotta have exposure.

All the great Italian chefs had it.

Mamma Celeste, Chef Boyardee...
and Chef Balducci.

I don't remember Chef Balducci.

Right. He didn't have television
exposure, that was indecent exposure.

He should've stuffed cannelloni
in the traditional manner.

Hi, girls.

What are you doing here? I thought
the reunion wasn't over till tomorrow.

No, it isn't.
I just decided I'd come home early.

Is there something wrong?

No, nothing.

Whatever gave you that idea?

As long as nothing's bothering you.

Should we defrost a loin of pork
so you can scoop up the sauce?

I can't help it. I'm so upset.

Seeing my sorority sisters
was just dreadful.

Why?

It was as if time
had stood still for 30 years.

Every woman looked wonderful.
They'd hardly aged at all.

I saw a movie like that once.

All the women were sucked up
into flying saucers.

And mechanical doubles were sent
back to earth to take their place.

Did any of them mention
a leader named Zardos?

Rose, I'm saying
they had all had face-lifts

and they looked absolutely gorgeous.

It was the most disgusting spectacle
I've ever witnessed in my life.

Wait a minute. Are you upset
because the reunion went great

and your sorority sisters
looked wonderful?

Of course not. That would be childish.

I'm upset because I wasn't
the centre of attention

and nobody said I was the prettiest.

Come on now, Blanche.
What difference does it make?

Dorothy.

You can not possibly
begin to comprehend

the terrible trauma
a gorgeous woman goes through

when she realises
her beauty is starting to fade.

And who do you see when
you look at me? Joe Pepitone?

All my life my beauty has outshone
every other woman's.

But no more. Now people
are cuter than me, my life is over.

If you feel like that about it,
you can get a face-lift, too.

I can't. Surgery scares me to death.
That's out of the question.

You'll just have to grow old
along with the rest of us.

I couldn't go on
if I looked like you two.

You know, she had me in her corner
right up until the end.

- Hi, Ma. Want some tea?
- Nah, I'm trying to cut back.

Tea stains my dentures.
I had to soak them in Ajax.

They're white, but my mouth feels like

somebody should rinse
their socks in it.

- Glass of milk?
- Nah, it upsets my stomach.

- Orange juice?
- Too acidic.

- Can I get you anything?
- Cup of tea would be nice.

The rough-cut of my documentary is done
for you to see. Where's Blanche?

Where she's been for the past two days.

Locked in her room crying.

I can't believe she's still upset

because her classmates
look better than she does.

I can. I tell you, her looks have
always been very important to Blanche.

Blanche is a vain person
and vanity is a terrible thing.

I should know. I was vain myself.

You, Sophia?

You think I was born
with white hair and a Play-Doh butt?

When I was a teenager,
I was gorgeous.

Eyes as deep and black as ripe olives.

Skin as smooth and creamy
as fresh butter.

Hair flaming red
like a rich marinara sauce.

Ma, that's not you,
that's your lasagne recipe.

Shut up.

Anyway, I was the most
gorgeous girl in the village

and I had my pick of the town's
most eligible goat farmers.

Until Anna Maria Alonso Paladino,

known to her friends as Muffin,

moved to our village.

Suddenly, all the men,
who were always fighting

over who would keep
the footprints I left in the mud,

were after Muffin.

So, I decided...

Wait, just a minute.

They would fight over who kept
the footprints you left in the mud?

It was a poor village, Dorothy.

What did you want them
to collect, Faberg� eggs?

I was too vain to be the second-most
beautiful girl in the village.

So, I went to Muffin
and I told her how I felt.

That was when I found out

that beautiful girl
was even more beautiful inside.

She offered to move
to the neighbouring village.

And you felt guilty
'cause you'd been vain.

Hell, no. I helped her pack.

But it all backfired in my face

because the next day,
all the good-Iooking men followed her.

That's how I ended up with your father.

Boy, talk about
learning a lesson the hard way.

Hi. Hi, girls.

- How are you feeling?
- Much better.

I've decided I've been acting foolish
about this whole thing.

I guess I still look pretty good.

Pretty good? You look terrific.

I know. I also decided
to be a bit more modest.

But in this case that's lying,
which is worse.

So, you're right. I do look terrific.

Thank goodness that's over with.

I'm dying for your opinion on my movie.

It's ready. I didn't do the soundtrack
yet, but I got the editing done.

Remember,
it'd be better with a bigger TV.

- We know.
- It'd be better with music.

- We understand.
- And it'd be better...

It would be better with Shelley Hack.
Turn it on.

Here goes.

That's Sophia walking into the kitchen.

I didn't know Fess Parker
was in this picture.

- Ma, what are you doing?
- Mugging for the camera.

You're mugging me.
You're stealing money from my pocket.

I'm seeing
if you have change for the bus.

Now I'm stealing.

My God. Is that me? I look awful.

- No, I was out of focus.
- You always are.

No, I look old. I look decrepit.
I look ancient.

I look shrivelled up
and wrinkled like a prune.

Could be worse.
She could look like Fess Parker.

- Turn that thing off right now.
- Blanche.

Blanche, Blanche, now calm down.

I'm just as calm as can be.
And you know why?

Because my worst suspicions
have just been confirmed.

My good looks are fading.
The camera does not lie.

That leaves me with only one choice.

I am gonna be perfect.

I'm gonna be gorgeous.

I'm gonna have my tummy tucked
and my butt firmed

and my breasts raised
and my face lifted.

It's a shame to do all that
and keep that hairdo.

Here, Rose. What do you think
of Cheryl Tiegs' nose?

Very nice. Kinda small.

Grandpa Nylund always said,

"The air is free. Have a big honker
and suck up as much as you can."

Course, he looked like he'd caught
a boomerang in his face.

- I like this. I'm gonna get it.
- What are you getting?

I'm picking out the kind of face
to show the plastic surgeon.

I wanna get Linda Evans's eyes
and Lena Horne's cheekbones

and Cheryl Tiegs' nose
and Carol Burnett's chin.

You can get that chin
through a catalogue.

If you put the pieces together, you see
what the new me's gonna look like.

See, there. What do you think?

Why is everyone looking
at a picture of Gavin MacLeod?

No, this is a collage of the things
I'm having done to my face.

You're going ahead with the surgery?

I am. I'm looking forward to it.

I don't believe in it. It's unnatural.

This from a woman
who slept with a pig until she was 11.

If it makes you feel better to look
better, there's nothing wrong with it.

I guess that looking good
isn't important to me.

What are you talking about?

You wear make-up, have your nails done,
colour your hair.

This is my hair's natural colour.

Yeah, and John Madden
is a finicky eater.

You might have a point.

But plastic surgery is so drastic.
I'd be scared.

Believe me, honey, there is
nothing to it. It's not that bad.

Dorothy, have you had plastic surgery?
I don't believe it.

- What did you have done?
- My eyes. Worth every penny.

Please, you spent $1,500,
you go out on two dates a year.

I didn't do it for anybody else.
I did it for me.

Most people didn't know
I'd had surgery.

But I knew.
It made me feel better about myself.

You were lucky.
It doesn't always work out that well.

It sure didn't for Olga Fetchik.

Just a minute, Rose.

Somebody give me a hand signal
when she's finished.

Olga Fetchik was our town beautician.

And one of God's most unattractive
creations since the aardvark.

Anyway, over the years,

Olga had been secretly squirreling away
money for plastic surgery.

One day she left
without telling anyone,

had the surgery
and didn't return for months.

Nobody could believe their eyes.

Olga Fetchik had turned into
a stunning beauty.

Every man in town wanted her.

She ended up marrying St. Olaf's
most handsome and eligible bachelor,

dance instructor Adolph Step.

The two of them moved back to Norway,
decided to get into show business,

and became the internationally renowned

Scandinavian dance team
of Step and Fetchik.

Rose, not that I care, but since
you've already gone to so much trouble,

just how did having
plastic surgery ruin Olga's life?

It didn't ruin her life,
it almost ruined St. Olaf.

After she left, the town didn't have
a professional beautician for years.

Women started giving each other
home perms.

Soon, everybody looked
like Art Garfunkel.

Husbands stopped
sleeping with their wives,

the population started to go down.

The town would have gone under

if Oslo's most famous hairstylist,

Vidal Sassbogadotter...

...hadn't relocated his shop
in St. Olaf

because of our more favourable tax laws.

Now, you see why
I don't like plastic surgery?

What did you do that for?

Why should we be alone in pain?

You were saying, Rose?

Mrs Devereaux, come in, please.
I'm Dr Taylor.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Let's go over your form.

Fine. Shall I disrobe here
or do you have an examining room?

Your medical form that you filled out
in the waiting room.

Sorry.

You are proposing
some very extensive surgery here.

Eyes, nose, stomach...

And breasts. These are from
a magazine. What do you think?

Very nice.

The angle's a little steep
for my personal tastes.

But they certainly do make
a statement.

Yes, they do, they say "big".

That's exactly what I want.

It just so happens
that breasts are my specialty.

You have that in common with
a linebacker on the Miami Dolphins.

As a matter of fact,
I've worked on a few celebrities.

Tell me,
what celebrities have you done?

Now, I can't tell you that.
That would be unethical.

Let's just say
that some of my handiwork

is prominently featured
on NBC's Thursday night line-up.

- Now, Mrs Devereaux...
- Call me Blanche.

We're talking about tightening my
behind and pumping up my bosoms.

We can be on a first-name basis.

Alright, Blanche. But I think there's
some things that you don't understand.

There are good reasons
for having this kind of work done.

But there are also bad ones.

Plastic surgery will only improve
your general appearance.

It won't make you perfect.

And, as with any surgery,
there are risks involved.

There are absolutely no guarantees,
no miracles.

Dr Taylor, you are not going to
dissuade me from having this surgery.

You see, all my life,
my physical beauty

has served as a source
of inspiration to me.

And to countless others.

But now that beauty seems
to be fading and I'm scared.

I've never had to do without it
and I don't know if I can.

I don't mind growing older,
as long as I look the same.

There's no doubt.
I don't care about the risks.

I definitely intend
to have this surgery.

Blanche, honey.

How are you?

You're probably uncomfortable now,
but in a few days you'll feel fine.

Can we get you anything?

You've got yourself
one hell of a lawsuit there, Blanche.

Was this a last-minute decision?

We're very sorry, sir.

Nurse, do you know
what happened to Mrs Devereaux?

She cancelled her surgery.
She checked out this morning.

Sorry for the inconvenience, Mr.
Diodoro. It's time for your medication.

Diodoro? Funny, he didn't look Italian.

- She's not out there.
- She isn't in her bedroom.

There's no one in the kitchen now,
but the coffee's still warm.

Because we were drinking it
less than an hour ago.

Excuse me, Miss Marple,
I'm new at this.

- Where have you been?
- You had us worried sick.

I'm sorry, I thought
I'd get home before you left.

I would have, if I hadn't seen
this stunning dress in a store

and realised how it would accentuate

the soft, voluptuous curves
of my gorgeous body.

Gorgeous body? Yesterday it was
a bag of russet potatoes with earrings.

That depends on how you look at it.

And Dr Gordon Taylor obviously
looked at it with desire in his eyes.

He asked me out on Friday night.

So you cancelled the surgery
for a date?

It wasn't any old date.
It was with a plastic surgeon.

Beauty is his stock in trade.

He can create any face,
any body he wants.

What he wanted was mine.
That got me to thinking.

All my life I have had a unique charm
that just kind of flowed naturally.

If I tampered with that,
I could risk losing forever

that special magic
that is Blanche Devereaux.

That was a risk
I was not willing to take.

That's why you decided
not to have surgery.

No, I landed myself a doctor,
so he can pay for it.

Besides, I can live with the lines
and wrinkles and sagging,

as long as I have you three
to grow old with.

What a lovely thing to say.

Yeah. Specially since
no matter how old we get,

I'll always be the youngest,
and the prettiest

and by far the most desirable.

You know, once again
she had me in her corner

right up until the end.