Original subtitles

A few more snacks like that,

the only thing you'll fit into is a saddle.

I'm not going to eat it all at once.

There's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight.

I'm setting up for 12 straight hours of classic TV.

I never liked it. Every episode Lucy said the same thing.

"Ricky, why can't I be in the show?"

Why couldn't she be in the show? She was a riot at home.

His show with the club stank.

What's entertaining about a Cuban beating a drum?

Rose, there's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight.

- You wanna watch it with me? - That sounds great.

Who's in it?

Who's in it? Um... Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz.

The Ricardos and Mertzes.

Don't tell me you never saw I Love Lucy.

No. I never watched much TV until I moved in here.

Charlie and I never had a TV.

We talked about getting one, but he said it wasn't perfected yet.

It sounds like to me Charlie was a little on the cheap side.

[laughs] I'll say.

Charlie was a wonderful man,

but he could squeeze a nickel till the buffalo pooped.

I'll tell you, there's something to the power of suggestion.

Excuse me.

Dorothy, would you like to stay up and watch I Like Lucy?

I Love Lucy.

I haven't seen it yet, so I don't know how I'll feel.

I won't have time with my daughter coming tonight.

We're gonna be talking about the...

- Nothing. - What's the nothing?

The nothing is a nothing.

If it were something, I'd call it something.

There are more important things to talk about. Is that rumaki?

Dorothy, you're keeping a secret from us.

I tell you everything. I told you a secret last night.

- You're not a natural blonde? - I am a natural blonde.

Right, Rose. You and Tina Turner.

Did Dorothy tell you she's gonna be a grandma?

Oh, Ma, that was a secret!

Oh, Dorothy, why didn't you tell us?

Because we're not 100%% sure. I didn't talk to Kate. Ma did.

She had something she wanted to tell us in person

and then she had to throw up.

Call me Kreskin.

She and Dennis have been trying to have children.

Oh, Dorothy, this is so exciting.

But, honey, we're not sure yet.

- [doorbell] - That's Kate.

I am so nervous all of a sudden.

I am also very excited.

I have dreamed about this moment all my life. Oh, honey.

Darling.

Is it my imagination, or was that my ex-husband Stanley?

Dorothy, it's me, your ex-husband Stan.

Excuse me. With that new toupee I thought you were Ted Danson.

I just got it today. It hasn't had time to settle.

Oh, wow, is that rumaki?

- Why are you here? - I just came to see Kate.

How did you know she was coming?

She left a message. I was in Lauderdale.

Oh, of course, I forgot. It's spring break.

- Do you know why she's coming? - No, I don't.

- Look at Dorothy's nose grow. - Oh, shut up.

The yutz has a right to know.

What should the yutz know?

Well, we're not sure, but we think that Kate may be pregnant.

Wow! That's incredible. That makes me...

A yutz. Some things never change.

You're gonna be a granddaddy, Stanley.

Wow. Isn't life a gas?

This is amazing.

Excuse me again.

I can't believe it. I am going to be a grandfather.

Think about it. Part of me will be passed on to that child.

- But we'll learn to love it. - [doorbell]

- Oh, Kate, honey. - Mom.

Oh.

- Hello, Princess. - Daddy.

It's so good to see you again.

You look wonderful.

I guess you have some big news, huh?

Rose, we'll give them their privacy.

Oh, you don't have to go.

I can speak in front of you.

I knew it. I knew it. I just knew it.

Stanley, I'm so happy.

Dennis had an affair and I've left him.

Stan, take your damn hands off me!

I'll be honest, I never liked him.

I knew that worm was no good.

What kind of a man

has so little respect for marriage

that he can cheat on a wonderful woman

and jump into bed with the first available bimbo?

But enough about you, Stanley.

Let's talk about Kate's problems.

We had no problems, Mom.

That's why this was all such a shock.

- Not even in bed? - Oh, Stanley.

Hey, I'm just trying to help.

Most men cheat on their wives

because what they have at home is less than satisfying.

Oh, really, Mr. 30 Seconds?

Mom, Dad.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. We're both being very insensitive.

How are you feeling, kitten?

Fine, Grandma.

That's okay. A brave front is the first step back.

Bertrand Russell said that.

Or was it Nipsey Russell? They're both so witty.

You're right, Grandma. I'm not fine.

He really hurt me. I feel so alone.

Honey, you are not alone. You have your family with you.

Your grandma, mother and father will see you through this.

Absolutely. I have a business appointment tonight.

I'm gonna call now and cancel and be here for you.

I don't want you to do that. I'm fine.

Alright. But I'll only be gone an hour.

Less than half an hour if she doesn't want dinner.

Keep your chin up, princess.

Your chins too, Dorothy.

[both laugh]

You know, I'm still a little confused.

Now, who exactly is Ricky?

Lucy's husband.

- I thought Desi was. - Not on the show.

- Desi wasn't on the show? - Desi played Ricky.

- Who did Lucy play? - Lucy.

I know. But who did she play?

- Lucy. - Right. But who did she play?

Lucy played Lucy.

Well, then, why didn't Desi play Desi?

He wasn't tall enough.

[groans]

I have never seen Kate so upset.

I am a wreck. I feel like this has happened to me.

Like I am the one who had my heart stomped on.

Thank you for all your support.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy.

It's just that Lucy doesn't know

that that's really Fred dressed up as a burglar.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was more important.

[both laugh]

Rose, Blanche, this is the part

where my good friends are supposed to shut off the TV.

So shut off the TV or it's out the window.

Thank you. I'm touched.

- How you holding up? - I threatened to hurl the TV.

That should give you some indication.

Kate seems to be handling things pretty well.

That's tonight. She's still in shock.

Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he was having an affair.

It was at least 24 hours

before I cut the crotches out of all of his slacks.

You didn't.

I was teaching English Lit at the time.

Symbolism was my life.

I remember how I felt

when I thought Charlie was cheating on me.

Charlie?

We'd been married for 18 years.

And up until then, everything had seemed so perfect.

Then one night it happened.

He came home, had dinner,

walked upstairs and went to sleep.

I went in the bathroom and cried my eyes out.

Rose, I don't want to encourage long stories,

but it seems in this story you left out the...

- The story. - That's the word.

Well, Charlie went right to sleep.

We didn't, well... you know...

And he'd promised?

No! It's just that that was the first time it had happened

in 18 years of married life.

Get out of here.

You mean to say that every night without fail

for 18 years, you and Charlie...

Of course.

Right after dinner.

Well, no wonder you never heard of I Love Lucy.

Of course, as it turned out, I was just overreacting.

I mean, it was a freak, one-time thing.

By the next morning, everything was back to normal.

By morning?

You mean to tell me, that every morning?

Charlie said that's why we didn't have headaches

and we both had really shiny hair.

Listen, Rose, no offense,

but I find that story a little hard to believe.

You don't even like to talk about sex.

In my experience, people who talk about it

don't do it very often.

- Coffee, anyone? - [doorbell]

- That must be Stan. - I'll get it.

Oh, Blanche. Blanche, why do they do it?

Why do men do it and think they can get away with it?

Same reason a dog licks himself, Dorothy.

Because he can.

Where's Stan?

- It wasn't Stan at the door. - Who was it?

Just stay calm. Just relax and don't do anything you'll be sorry for.

- Dennis. - Hello, Mother Dorothy.

I can't believe you'd show your face. I think you should leave.

- Mother Dorothy... - Do not call me that.

I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy.

I feel I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta.

- Where is Kate? - She's not here.

- She said she was coming here. - She left.

- Where did she go? - To meet with Marlo Thomas.

They're going to drink white wine spritzers and figure out

how to fry your wandering male behind.

Dennis.

- Kate, we have to talk. - She has nothing to say. Get out.

Mom, you don't have to speak for me.

- Dennis, get out. - Kate, please.

You don't owe it to me and I'll go if you want.

I'm just asking to speak to you.

I wonder how he's going to talk his way out of this one.

No matter what he says, she'll see right though it.

Good for Kate. That bum deserves everything he gets.

I'm glad he showed up. She can get it over with.

You think she'll still see Marlo Thomas?

'Cause I'd sure like an autograph.

Oh... [laughs]

I can't stand it anymore.

I thought you said everybody loved Lucy.

She's talking about Kate and Dennis.

How long have they been in there?

Since Lucy went to Scotland.

That would make it over 30 years.

It's been an hour, but Kate had a lot to get off her chest.

You think he'd have the courtesy to say goodbye.

- He's coming back, Mom. - What?

He's getting a suitcase out of the car.

We talked things over. Everything's okay.

Okay? Everything's okay?

- Come on, Rose. - What about Lucy?

We'll watch it on the portable.

But that set's black-and-white.

Dennis explained everything.

Explained? Explained what?

How he did it? I explained that when you were 12.

I can live with his apology.

He's very sorry. He'll never do it again.

I don't want to end my marriage over this.

I think you're making a mistake.

Mom, Dennis is my husband and if I forgive him, you should, too.

- Forgive him? - Look, it's my marriage.

I never should have come here. That was a big mistake.

We'll be out of here in the morning.

Ma. Ma.

What's going on?

I'm sorry, but I have to talk to you.

Dennis told Kate he was sorry for what he did

- and they've made up. - Marvelous. Get the hell out!

Dennis had an affair. How could she forgive him?

Dorothy, please, let me go back to sleep.

I was dreaming I was being held captive on a desert island

by Cesar Romero in a loincloth.

Ma, Kate and I had a fight. I have to talk to you.

You know that washcloth in my bathroom?

That's how big Cesar's loincloth was. Good night.

Ma.

- Ma! - Alright.

What did you and Kate have a fight about?

About advertising condoms on TV.

About Dennis. I can't believe she would go back to him.

I told her it was a big mistake.

Who's asking you? It's none of your business.

Kate came to me.

She came to you to listen. You should stay out of it.

I don't know what to do.

Alright, alright.

Sit. Listen. Learn.

Picture this. Brooklyn, July, 1949.

Ma, put a sentence together. You sound like a sportscaster.

Oh, shut up. Anyway, it was the night of your first anniversary.

You showed up at my house at two in the morning, crying.

You looked like hell.

You told me you had cooked an anniversary dinner for Stan.

He came home late and there was lipstick on his shirt.

You kept saying to me, "Ma, what should I do?"

- Remember what I told you? - Yeah.

Thank God. What was it? I forgot.

You said that if you could erase this one day,

is this still the man you want to be with?

And you said yes.

I thought to myself, "Idiot", but I kept my mouth shut.

I knew this was a decision you had to make.

You're saying I should stay out of this mess between Kate and Dennis.

I said it, used it in a story.

You want me to embroider it on your underwear? Stay out of it!

I don't know if I can do that.

Then you're gonna lose Kate.

And someday Stan is gonna call you up and tell you

you have a grandchild who you're never gonna see.

Good night, Ma.

Not tonight, Cesar. I'm not in the mood anymore.

That last episode of I Love Lucy was hilarious.

It sure was. I never realized

you could have that much fun staying up all night.

Oh? Not even with Charlie?

Oh, we never stayed up all night. Just seven till midnight

and five to seven every morning.

And, of course, till noon on Sundays.

Lord, no wonder you still mourn that man.

- Morning. - Hi. How are you doing?

Much better. Ma and I talked and I know what I want to do.

For once you'll keep your mouth shut.

If I want things to be okay, I must get it off my chest.

Fine. You'll feel better, but you'll lose your daughter.

- Morning, everyone. - How did you get in?

The key under the mat.

- Do I smell waffles? - No.

Could I smell waffles?

What does this look like? The House of Pancakes?

- So, how's Kate doing? - Better than I am.

Dennis is here and she's forgiven him.

He's here? Somebody hold my hair. I'm gonna kill him!

Oh, sit down and shut up.

Good morning, everybody. Hi, Daddy.

Listen, I hear that you and Dennis are back together.

That's right. We're leaving for the airport now.

- Kate, I want to say something. - Yeah?

Not to you, to Dennis.

Dennis, I want to speak with you.

Mother.

It's alright, Kate. Is your name Dennis?

I have a right to be there.

One sperm with a sense of direction

and I pay for it for the rest of my life.

- Dorothy, I... - Please, Dennis.

I just want you to listen.

Yesterday, Kate came to me, crying.

She was more hurt than I had ever seen her before.

- Dorothy... - Please.

I want you to understand what that does to a parent.

Seeing your child hurt

is worse than any pain you can possibly feel yourself.

When they're little, you protect them

from the bullies on the playground,

and then later you suffer with them through acne

and puppy love.

Then the first date, then the first time alone in a car.

Finally they meet someone

who will love them and take care of them and they don't need you.

You're not thrilled, but you get used to it.

And then something happens

and you find out there's still bullies on the playground.

And the old instincts come back.

That's what happened yesterday.

I know you have made up,

but I still have the same feelings. Do you understand?

Yes, I do. I did a very stupid thing that can't be undone.

I'm going to do everything to make it up to Kate. I love her.

I promise you that nothing like this will happen again.

Good. Good.

Because if it does, I will break every bone in your hand.

You'll spend your life

selling newspapers out of a wagon.

Keep it zipped, buddy. She's not kidding.

Dennis, is everything okay?

Everything is fine. You'd better hurry. You'll miss your plane.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Dad.

If you're not doing anything around Memorial Day, visit us.

- How about me? - Of course, Dennis.

Of course. You're always included.

Dorothy, you're hurting me.

- Goodbye again. - Bye, darling.

Oh, Dorothy, I'm so glad things worked out.

- Me too. - Maybe you're not a grandmomma,

but you're still a darned good momma.

Kate's gonna be a darned good momma too sometime.

How do you know?

'Cause it runs in the family.

Well, I guess I'll be going, too.

You know, Dorothy, out on the lanai out there,

it was like old times.

You and me, a team, united.

Partners. It felt pretty good, didn't it?

It sure did.

Where did it go wrong, Dorothy?

Oh... Who knows? These things happen.

I remember. I wasn't happy at home under the sheets.

Dorothy, you're hurting me.

I mean it. You're really hurting me.