All language subtitles for tales_of_the_unexpected_s09e04_the_verger

Oh,

now, now. You want to go back and sit
with your mum now?

That's the idea. Off you go.

I'm not at all happy about this.

Albert's been our birdie for 16 years.

Damn good one, too.

There was no complaints, except on this
one issue.

Which is more a misfortune than a
failing.

What shall we do without Millie? Neither
of them will take it easily.

This church has been their life.

Page 243.

Children who are too young to profess
the Christian faith are baptized on the

understanding that they are brought up
as Christians within the family of the

church. What's all this, then?

The plans for converting the crypt.

Our new man certainly gets things done.

The town's changing.

He'd say the church must change with it.

Well, he won't change Albert.

That I'll tell you.

Mr. Dobson, will you come into the
restroom for a moment? We have something

say to you.

Very good, sir.

Mrs. Dobson, would you join us?

two of our church wardens to be present
because what I have to say is the result

of a joint decision.

Not mine alone.

You understand that?

Yes, sir.

They were as surprised as I had been to
hear what I had to tell them.

I have discovered, and how I found out
doesn't matter, I have discovered that

you, Mr. Dobson, can neither read nor
write.

Well, the last picker knew that, sir. He
said it didn't make any difference.

Have you ever tried to learn to read?

I started in service when I was a lad,
sir. You didn't need to read and write

clean shoes and polish the silver.

I rose to be a butler, sir, to Lord
Wisborough. My wife was his cook. After

got married, she tried to teach me. And
he could have learned, but he had too

much to do.

Well, Mr Dobson, this may have been all
right in the past, but we have plans for

this church to make it as much a
community centre as a place of worship.

We're putting a telephone in the crypt.

We'd expect our verger to help answer
it, give out numbers and addresses,

with the social services in cases of
need.

I don't think that with your handicap,
Mr Dobson, you could quite manage that,

could you?

Are you trying to tell me, sir, that my
services are no longer required?

Mrs Dobson, couldn't you have another go
at teaching him?

Just enough so he could take down
messages and so on.

Well, I... I tried to teach my wife to
drive. Absolute disaster.

There are classes in literacy for late
learners at the adult education college.

They're enrolling now.

Won't you give it a try, Albert?

Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me the way
to adult literacy?

Back already?

They finish early.

Write me a letter.

I'm just doing my pastry.

Write me a letter now.

Oh, sure.

What's up with you?

I've only got one pair of hands.

Just stop yammering and do what I tell
you.

Albert, what has got into you?

That blooming collies, that's what got
into me.

At my age to be taught how to read the
cat sat on the mat by a chit of a girl

young enough to be my granddaughter. She
didn't even have the modesty to wear a

brazier. Well, that's it. I'm resigning.

You what?

I'm resigning as Virgil.

Yes, now write that letter.

Well.

If you're not staying, nor am I.

Treating you like this.

I'll make the letter from me, too.

We'd miss the church, though, after all
these years.

We'd go balmy, stuck here in the house
all day.

And I'll go balmy in that birdcage they
call a college. Never. You write that

letter.

Ah, Mr. Doddman.

Can I help you?

I've left you a letter.

Oh, well, don't rush off.

Tell me how your lesson went. You
started today, didn't you? The letter

my resignation and that of my wife. Oh,
no, no, no. Don't let's be hasty about

this. I know when I'm not wanted.

Well, if that's the way you feel...

Yes.

A pot of tea, please.

No pot.

Only mug.

Very well. A mug.

Oh, excuse me, I'm a little short
-sighted. Could you tell me what that

says? Uh, lead effect.

And the agent?

Uh, wallet and coon.

Why don't you get yourself some glasses?

Thank you.

Did you leave the letter?

Yes, I did. I saw the bicker, too.

And what did he say?

I conveyed to him what I thought of him.

Oh, Victoria Bond, eh?

Um, do you remember the teas we used to
serve in the old days when his lordship

had company?

You won't see the like of them nowadays.
All people have is shop cakes in front

of the telly.

Tea out of bags.

Plastic on the table instead of Irish
linen.

His lordship always liked to start with
cucumber sandwiches.

Crumpets and muffins in the winter.

And she'd be toast when he came back
from hunting.

Hot buttered tea cakes with cinnamon.

Brandy snaps with cream filling.

My macaroons.

Meringues. Eclairs.

You know, there's nowhere anywhere near
the high street where you can get a

decent cup of tea, let alone a proper
tea like we're talking of.

No one wants it.

They're rushing home from the
supermarket to switch on the video.

Well, I don't know. After all, this is a
tourist town, you know. Lots of

Americans and coach parties. I saw an
empty shop today.

All right.

Yeah. Between the cathedral and the
castle, it was a short lease.

I went to the agents.

What are you talking about, leases and
agents?

Millie, listen.

What would you think of you and me
opening a proper tea room?

A what?

With cloth on the table and a pot of tea
instead of a cup, and your baking and

my idea of service.

You have gone barmy. It'd take all our
savings.

I'm sure it would work. They'd be
queuing up for your macaroons.

It's too risky going into business at
our time of life.

Other people do it. Just think of it,
you and me.

I'm sure it would work if we pulled
together.

Macaroons is too much of a fiddle.

I could do my Chelsea chocolate fingers,
though.

Lily, now, give him a hand with the
door.

All right.

Ah, look what I've got.

Four dozen assorted cut sauces and
plates.

Got them from the junk shop near the
station. 30 quid the lot.

Oh, where are we?

Say something on this one, but I don't
suppose it makes any difference.

India and Oriental Steamship Company.

Oh.

Welcome aboard.

And that nervous one.

All fingers and thumbs.

Nervous? You cooked dinners when we sat
down 30 at table, not counting family.

It's the money I'm worried about.

All our savings.

Yes, honey?

Could you put this notice up, please?

Oh, what's it for?

It's called Jumble, sir.

Oh, very well.

Good afternoon, sir.

Cup of tea, please.

Wouldn't you prefer a pot, sir? Much
more civilised. Oh, what?

Yes. Yes, thanks.

Indian or China, sir?

Oh, Indian, I suppose.

A little anchovy toast as an appetiser,
sir?

Oh, just a pastry, please.

Certainly, sir.

Well,

I'll have, um...

One of those, and, uh... Yeah, one of
those, please. May I recommend the

Sandringham sponge, sir? Oh? Very light.

Well, perhaps, uh... Yes!

Service us.

Excuse me, sir.

Thanks very much. You're welcome. Thank
you, sir.

Thank you.

It's freshly made, sir.

Oh? You can just let it stand for about
four minutes. It should be perfect.

Right.

Good afternoon, sir.

Do sit down, madam.

Night with the sun again.

Now then, tea for two, was it?

Indian or Chinese?

They've never applied for planning
permission for change of use.

Serving area is well below standard.

And they're making food for public sale
and consumption in their private

residence, which hasn't been inspected
or approved for the purpose.

And my department could apply to you for
a closure order tomorrow.

They did a lot for the church.

Couldn't we give them a bit of time?

I'll let you know when I've inspected
the kitchen they use for their home

baking.

Good day to you.

Morphicular auricularia.

And earweed, Mrs. Dobson.

Well, what do you expect with the
graveyard round the corner?

There are also traces of mouth
-dropping.

We lost our cat.

I was going to get some poison.

I shall have to report an infestation.

In his lordship's kitchen, we had
puppies, kittens.

Peacocks were coming for the crumbs.

Yes, well...

Now, this preparation surface.

I've had that pastry board 30 years.

We would prefer a laminate.

Have you ever tried making puff pastry
on a laminate, whatever it is?

Are there alternative facilities for
hand washing?

Alternative? Oh, you mean another tap?

Yes, it's through there in the bathroom.

are taken adjacent to food preparation
area, where personal clothing is hung to

dry.

Well, I think that's all, Mr Dobson.

You'll be hearing from the Department of
Environmental Health in due course.

I can't say my report will be
favourable.

I'm sorry, Mrs Dobson, but I have a job
to do, and it is for the protection of

the public.

I'll see myself out.

public, from us.

From me that's cooked for royalty, being
inspected by him.

It's the end of the road, money.

Couldn't we try finding somewhere else
to fit in with their rules and

regulations?

Where's the money to come from?

I'm afraid you weren't at all well
advised when you took this policy out.

They used to call every week when we
were in service.

Isn't it any good?

Oh, it's worth something, of course, and
I'll certainly get a surrender value

for you.

But it won't be nearly enough to start
another shop, not one that satisfies all

the regulations.

If you found a suitable freehold
property, you could use this as a down

on a mortgage.

And I'm sure we at the bank would help.

But it's a gamble, Albert.

This is your only security against old
age, so think very carefully before you

cash it in.

I think we'll take the gamble, sir.

Headband straight, Mary. There.

An apron string tied in the middle,
Martha.

Now... What do you think, Mr Dobson?

Now then, girls, have you learnt your
three Ps?

Punctuality. Politeness. Personal
appearance.

And don't you ever forget them.

now, sir?

No, I don't think so. Just my check,
please. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

That was a very enjoyable afternoon tea.

Thank you, sir.

Is Mr. Dalton here?

No, sir. He's in one of our other shops.

You mean you have other branches?

Two now, sir. And another opening in a
month.

Is that so?

Do many Americans come in here?

Oh, yes, lots.

They really enjoy the tea we serve at
Dobson.

I bet they do.

Tell me something. Have you ever heard
of Grandma's Cookies?

Sir?

Grandma's Cookies.

Afraid not, sir.

You will, miss. I can promise you that.

Choir will be going in now.

Do you remember how I used to check them
for clean hackages and dirty

fingernails?

I wonder who'll get the flowers this
Sunday.

Thanks, dear.

Oh, but I can't make head nor tail of
this one.

It's from Grandma's Cookies to the
President, Dobson's Tea Rooms, Inc.

Dear sir...

We are, as you will be aware, a prestige
-orientated, image -conscious catering

consortium with outlets in 27 US cities.
We have examined with interest

your company in the UK and are
interested in the possibility of

operation within our own organisation.

Our Mr Gruber will be at Claridge's
Hotel in London from...

But what does this mean? You don't think
they're trying to take us over, do you?

I don't know, love.

I think we'd better go and find out what
he's up to.

Okay, so we would plan to have all of
these outlets operational by the fall

lift off of the Canadian subsidiaries
soon after.

Now, we have a very attractive logo here
based on Millie's very beautiful smile.

And for our menu, I like this...

To you, Albert.

Not bad, huh?

Now, for the jacket of the book, we
thought a picture of you both serving

a typical English family.

A book?

Gee whiz, didn't I tell you?

Harry, I thought I said... Not me, sir.
I'm sorry I apologize.

Yes, we intend to tie in with a mail
-order publishing firm for Mrs.

Dobson's Tea Time Cookbook.

What do you think of that, Albert?

If you're saying you want to buy us out,
we're not selling. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not saying that at all.

We want you to carry on just the way you
are, and we want the right to do the

same thing in the States with your name
and your product.

We'll pay you one hell of a lot of money
for it.

It'll all have to be legal and above
board.

Absolutely.

That's why we have the legal eagle here.

He'll take you through the paperwork.

Then I'd like to show you some ideas
I've got for some TV commercials.

There's not all that much here, really.
Just three letters of intent for Mr.

Dobson to sign.

Right.

Here you go, sir.

On the dotted line, please.

Don't you think we ought to take them
home to go over them?

Now, now, hold on a minute. I don't get
it. I thought you just said that... Uh,

Mr. Gruber flies off to New York this
evening. He's meeting with our president

tomorrow.

The president's a very impatient man.

We wouldn't want him to go cold on this
deal, would we?

Albert, you take the wording on those
papers, you'll see it.

Merely a memorandum of understanding.

He will sign.

I can't read or write.

Albert, are you telling me that you've
built up what's going to be part of an

international, multi -million dollar
business?

And you can't read or write.

Wow.

Ain't that something?

Boy, what would you be now if you'd been
able to?

I can tell you that, Elmer.

I'd still be the virgin of the local
parish church.