All language subtitles for tales_of_the_unexpected_s07e12_accidental_death

Oh, good morning, Arthur.

Good morning, Percy.

Oh, give me the usual, will you?

Fine.

I said the usual.

Half pint.

There's some new faces.

Do you happen to have a copy of the
local paper?

I think I've got this week somewhere.

Oh, here we are.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

How long will you be staying, Mr
Jeffreys?

About a week, I should think. Ten days,
something like that.

On holiday?

No business.

Market research.

It's on the second floor.

We've no lift, I'm afraid.

I'll get Arthur to help you. No, that's
all right. I can manage fine.

If you're staying in for dinner, the
restaurant closes at nine. Oh, thanks.

Mr and Mrs, I think at least you'd buy
her a wedding ring.

The mayor and his wife have left for a
holiday in Malta.

A member of parliament will be speaking
in the debate on the Common Market

Agricultural Policy. Stop working, Jane.
This is a nice little town. Let's enjoy

ourselves.

How about a movie?

There doesn't seem to be a cinema.

Ah.

The Yachting Club have a dance at the
Town Hall on Wednesday.

Well, that's one for you.

You're getting to be a workaholic, love.

I'm getting to be nervous, too.

When that copper stopped, I thought that
was it.

It was only a routine check on car tax
evaders.

He asked too many questions and took too
many notes.

And your Australian accent's beginning
to slip.

Oh, I'm sorry about that sport.

And we're still £1 ,000 from our target.

I think we can manage on less.

No, Steve, we need £15 ,000.

Look, first there's a single airfare to
Melbourne. No, Sydney.

Sydney?

How about a nice little cafe on Bondi
Beach?

Look, all you need is bamboo tables and
awnings.

It'll be a quarter the price of fitting
up a restaurant.

You can wait on the customers in a
bikini.

And I'll go surfing when we've washed up
the dishes.

How about it?

Waltzing Matilda.

Waltzing Matilda.

Won't you come a -waltzing Matilda
with...

Come on, sport.

We've got work to do.

Yes? Good morning.

I'm engaged in market research for
silvertone metal polish.

Well, you've probably heard about it.
No.

Ah. Well, would you mind answering a few
simple questions to help us provide a

better product for our consumers?

Well, we... But it'll only take a few
minutes, really.

And it would help me.

All right.

You'd better come in.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me!

Excuse me, I'm looking for the club
secretary.

I'm afraid it's not here.

Well, can I help?

Yes, perhaps you can.

I'm doing market research for silver
-toned metal polish. I'm sure you've

of us. Well, it's after eleven.

Have a glass of sherry.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Oh, what a charming clock.

That was my husband's retirement gift.

It's very nice.

He died at ten to three, standing just
where you are now.

He was always fiddling with that damn
thing. I'm surprised it goes at all.

Your sherry?

Thank you.

Do sit down.

Cheers.

Cheers. Now, I understand from the local
press that your club is holding a dance

on Wednesday.

That's right, every year. Now, what I'd
like to do is to approach the

organisers. Now, if you'd be so kind as
to give me their names and addresses...

Well, I'm not sure I can do that.

Nice little place you've got here, isn't
it?

No, I do a bit of setting myself back
home.

Oh, do you? Yeah.

Matter of fact, my father took me to a
very local club in Sydney.

Really? Good afternoon.

I'm engaged in market research. Not
today, thank you.

Well, the day wasn't entirely wasted.

I learned enough about failing to open a
marina when we get to Australia.

I had a Mrs.

Milvane talked her head off after thick
sherrys.

She must go down to the counter she
keeps after that bottle all day.

Plenty of silver, and she lives on her
own.

Obliging of her?

Mm, but she never goes out except to
shop.

Well, for the sherry.

Presumably. Oh, then there was a Colonel
Grant.

Grant? He insisted on showing me his
huge stamp collection he started in his

school days.

Very boring. Colonel Grant, here we are.
He's a member of the yachting club and

one of the organisers of the dance on
Wednesday.

I shan't count on him being at the
dance. He's only got one leg.

Hell.

Now, I've checked out more than a dozen
sailing fanatics and I've got the

rateable values of their houses.

There are three front runners.

Lady Pope of Balston Hall.

Balston Hall's no good. They're bound to
be servants.

True.

There's a couple called Slatter.

A red -roofed pond road.

I've been there.

It's got houses on three sides
overlooking it.

How? Someone called Tabbit.

Millhouse Lane. I've been there, too.

I got coffee and cakes and a lecture of
how there's plenty of work if only the

unemployed would get on their bikes and
look for it.

And I feasted my eyes on cabinets of
porcelain. Ah.

They breed bloodhounds.

Oh.

Oh, this just isn't our day, is it?

I'm beginning to wonder if time isn't
running out on us. It's not easy here.

There's plenty of money around, but it's
too built up. The houses are too close

together.

Not like Dorset.

Or Wiltshire.

Oh, Wiltshire was fun.

Wiltshire was five grand.

Well, do we take this town till the end
of the week?

Or move on somewhere else?

Let's go down to the bar and listen to
the local gossip.

Yes, I was in the library today.

Oh, usual death of anything to read, and
I came on this.

Transactions of the Natural History
Society of West Burford.

Yes, 1887.

Of course, I'm a great lover of useless
information.

A snapper -up of uncut scissor trifles.

Now, Arthur, just listen to this. You're
listening.

The dog is the only animal that dreams
and the only animal that, besides man,

feels sorrow.

Yes, the dog is the only quadruped
that's been taught to speak.

Leibniz, Leibniz, mark you, bears
witness to a hound in Saxony that could

distinctly 30 words.

Well, now, Arthur, that is not only
useless information, but it's entirely

erroneous information because...

Baboons. Now, baboons have been known to
die among the quietest of.

And, you know, I knew, when I was in the
desert, I knew a camel that used to

have nightmares. Oh, yes, yes, regularly
woke up half the battalion screaming in

its sleep. Really? Yes, the camel, I
mean.

Good evening, sir.

Bonsoir.

Mademoiselle.

That's all right. I'm in the chair. Have
a drink with us. That's very nice. Yes,

I think I will.

No, Arthur, a whiskey, if you don't
mind, please. Yes, a large one. Large

whiskey.

Well, are you touring?

No. No, we're working, unfortunately.

Oh, well, that's a big mistake. Yes.

What, Ed?

Market research.

Ah, market research.

Now, that's something I know nothing
about. It's one of the few things I know

nothing about. Isn't that so, Arthur?

Yes, that's one of them. Thank you.

£2 .30, please, sir. Now, charge it,
please.

Yes. Here's to your bonny bright eyes.

Mm -hm.

Oh, that's a good one.

Time for me to go, I'd say.

Imagine, a bus service, just arranging
for the last bus to leave a half an hour

before closing time.

Silly, isn't it, Joe Arthur?

Hasta la vista, Arthur.

Arrivederci.

Good night.

Good night, Percy.

Is there anybody there?

Said the traveller, knocking on the
moonlit door.

Quite a character.

Oh, yes, our old Percy. Quite a trial,
too.

He's a regular. Who regular?

He comes in here twice a week to collect
his pension, do his shopping, go to the

library. Then he blathers on in here to
the last berth.

Well, it's all right with people like
you, broad -minded.

But some people take exception.

Especially when he starts his lectures.

Drives us balmy.

Who is he?

Percy.

Seems he's been everything.

In the army.

Fezzy with an actor.

In Shakespeare.

Then I heard he was something big in the
antique business.

Then he got into a bother.

Careful, Arthur.

Oh, come on, everyone knows about it.

He got into trouble with his taxes.

He talked his way out of it, but he had
to pay up.

Now he lives in a tumble -down farmhouse
out by Lower Pottage.

Will you both have a drink?

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

I should not let you buy him that
scotch.

See how quick he took it.

And he spends four hours in here each
Tuesday and Friday with just a half

He could buy drinks for half the town if
he wanted.

Not beer, either.

Really?

Well, you wouldn't think so to look at
him, would you?

He's loaded.

And I'll tell you something else.

One of the lads from the estate agent's
office comes in here.

When Percy bought that cottage, he paid
in cash.

All five pound notes.

And he never goes to the bank.

But he always pays cash everywhere.

When he pays at all, that is.

He is sitting on a fortune.

And it's all you do to get him to pay
for his rounders, didn't you? No,

porridge.

I don't think we passed that on the way
in, did we, darling?

I didn't hurt you, did I?

No, no, I don't think so.

Good, good. It's those damn squirrels.
They eat everything I put out for the

birds.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I'm doing market research.

I wondered if you'd mind helping me.

Oh, for you, my dear.

I wouldn't mind at all.

Would you like to let yourself in?

Yes, thank you.

Good morning. Ah, yes, I remember you.
In the bar.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, can you help me with these silly
questions?

Silly questions?

Market research.

Ah, yes, market research.

Yes, come on, come on.

Market research. Go ahead, go ahead.

Yes, that's one of the few things I know
nothing about.

Yes? Yes, questions?

Well, it's the way I make a living, you
see. Oh, you really feel you have to do

that? What?

It's all right. Sit down.

Sit down.

Carry on.

Carry on.

Well, now.

Do you do your own cleaning?

Well, nobody helps me in my bath, if
that's what you mean.

Pity.

I mean housework.

Yes, I suppose you do.

Well, I don't really feel there's any
need because, well, I'm a very orderly

person. A place for everything.

Everything in its place.

So I can take it you don't use a metal
polish?

Yes, that would be a fair assumption,
yes.

Oh, dear.

I'm afraid I must be wasting your time.

No, no, not at all.

Not at all. On the contrary.

Missed again.

Dan.

What's that?

What is my bracelet?

The glass is broken. It just keeps
falling off.

Oh, I shouldn't bother with it, really.

I'll probably take it and trade it in
somewhere.

But trade it in a place, did you?

Well, I know it's not worth much, but I
should get at least a fiver for it

anyway. A fiver?

Or maybe ten.

Well, the guy who bought it wasn't a
cheapskate. He'd have spent at least

much on it, I'm sure. No, I'm sure the
chat would be falling over each other,

wouldn't they?

To allow us rubies and diamonds on you,
my dear. It's a pity nobody ever thought

of gold, isn't it?

Well, one day, maybe. Yes, well, I can
give you a tenner for it.

Well, it's very pretty.

And I like pretty things.

It'll remind me of you.

I couldn't.

Well, I'll give you fifteen.

No, I couldn't go any higher than
fifteen.

Fifteen.

Well, it seems an awful lot.

All right, it's the deal. Good.

As I say, it'll remind me of you.

Jump in a minute.

There you are.

Well,

thank you, if you're sure.

Oh, I don't mind being taken advantage
of. I'm used to it.

Generous to a fault, that's me.

But that's the way I like it.

All right, then.

Thank you.

Well, off you pop.

Before I change my mind.

All right.

Yes, well, shall I help you to the door?

Yes, thank you.

Yes, not at all.

Adieu, adieu, my fair young lady.

And may you find your rubies and
diamonds.

I'll be quite happy with the gold.

Quite. Goodbye.

Arrivederla.

Well done, love.

So,

you see, the dinosaur rules for 140
million years.

And 65 million years ago, according to
Professor Toon, California Research

Center, there was a collision between an
asteroid and the Earth.

The same thing could happen to us,
couldn't it? Hmm?

You wouldn't like that to happen to you,
would you, Beryl?

He's let the light off.

Yes, he's called the burglar, isn't he?

Hey, there must be a window we can get
in. Let's try around the back.

Right.

Now, I have a theory that we've got a
survivor in this country, the

ichthyosaurus, the Loch Ness Monster.

This room here.

You try the deck.

By the way, by the way, have you seen
our parish church?

Oh, biggest font in Britain.

That's a rather large day, isn't it?

We shall be seeing the church.

Ah, good, good. Well, enjoy it. And
don't pinch the candlesticks.

We are here for a funeral.

Not yours, I hope.

Why can't you keep your mouth shut in
here?

I beg your pardon?

Yep, yep, yep. On and on for four hours
every time you come in here. What do we

get for it? The price of a half pint.

There's customers who go to the Swan
because they'd rather listen to a

than you.

Would you really say that my customer is
no longer welcome here? We are entitled

by law to refuse to serve you without
giving a reason. Yes, well, you never

about the law.

I certainly won't stay where I'm not
wanted.

Yeah, well, you won't see me again.

Good. And love to Arthur.

Happy funerals.

Hello, Percy.

Have they chucked you out, then? No, no.

I've just been barred, that's all.
Imagine me being barred by a barrel.

Because I missed the 9 o 'clock. That's
now left to wait a whole hour.

Another one. Oh, well, I'm off home.
Come on, I'll give you a lift.

Oh, thank you. Yes, early start
tomorrow.

Thank you very much. Come in.

It's no good. There's nothing up here.

Let's try downstairs.

Here, take it if you want. It'll be
nice.

Here.

Let's try over here.

There's any card here, I'm sure.

Good luck with it.

Maybe we'll come.

Well, well, well.

Market research.

Oh, Mr Percy. Thank goodness you've
arrived.

Where is it?

Where's what?

The cash.

Oh, yeah. You mean you haven't found it
yet?

Oh, well, I was not going to show you.

Simple, really.

Oh, dear.

Now, would you mind putting your hands
up, please? Thank you very much.

Both of you.

Yes.

See?

As many as slip.

The shot from the woods.

I didn't know what happened.

It was pitch black.

And then this shot.

It's all right now, love. They're
looking after him. I don't know who it

A poacher, I suppose.

He ran off.

And I got Steve to the car.

We'll need a statement from you later,
but you needn't worry for a bit.

Oh, here's the doctor.

Is he all right?

No, there's a problem.

He's a rare blood group and we don't
have it.

He needs a massive transfusion straight
away and the nearest stock's in

Cambridge. It'll take an hour at least.

But he will be all right.

I'm sorry. They're sending the stock
from Cambridge just in case.

Yes.

That's right.

I see.

Well, it's certainly worth a try.

Ask the police to get a car over there
straight away.

I'll ring him from here and get him
standing by.

Hmm.

Yes, I've got it.

Right.

Seems that there is a suitable dinner on
our books.

Or rather, there was.

This chap's officially off the list now
because he's overage.

Can't afford to be choosy, though, can
we?

A chap called Percy Hampton.