All language subtitles for tales_of_the_unexpected_s05e18_the_skeleton_key

What time's it now?

What time's he finished?

Five. He's picked me up at half past,
dozens of times.

What did he say on his phone?

That he'd get here by half past. I said
it was important.

Twenty -two now.

He's always on the dot.

You know Andy.

No, not really.

Well, he's no mate of mine.

I want to get it over with.

Don't worry, he'll be here.

Blowing his ear, he'll follow you
anywhere.

Not anymore.

Not after we've told him.

How do you get tummy pain?

What?

Oh, I could eat anything.

Stress. That's what causes it. At work,
I mean.

Well, everyone's got to have a safety
valve.

It's my tum, that's all.

Have you said anything?

Oh, anything?

You know I've been putting him off ever
since you made me change my mind.

Here he is now.

You do it, Max, will you?

Yeah, yeah. Leave it to me.

I am.

Thought you wanted to talk.

We've been waiting. What kept you?

A couple of brain transplants today, was
it?

I'm only the radiographer. I only take
pictures.

I'm not late, am I?

Yeah, you're a bit slow.

Correct time guaranteed.

It's port -controlled.

Can't be out more than a second a week.

I shouldn't go by your watch.

Works off steam.

Well, this is worse than all yours. I
was 150 years old, this watch.

My granddad left it to me.

This one's 1895.

I mean the price, not the year.

Something wrong?

Can I see the key, Max?

Yeah. Work of art, don't you think?

Look, Andy, it's a miniature skull and
crossbones.

They really made things in those days.

It's a perfect human skull.

You can actually tell that these are
crossed femurs.

Crossed what?

Thigh bones, the longest in the body.

Yes, it's a lovely bit of craftsmanship,
but wind -up watching went out with the

Beatles.

It's not important.

Come on, what's up with it?

You said it was important.

Emma?

It's about me and Emma.

You and Emma?

No, we're going on holiday together.

You and Meg?

I see. Well, that explains a lot.

All the excuses.

I've been trying to tell you. Honestly,
I have. And when you come back?

We've been looking at Flats.

Any luck?

Yeah, I think so.

We're waiting to hear.

How long has this been going on?

Well, I haven't seen you for a couple of
weeks. Now I know why I've been too

busy behind my back with him.

Andy, keep your voice down. You might
have said something, given me a chance.

No, I'm sorry. I kept putting it off.

I didn't want to hurt you.

Hurt me?

What's this doing to me? Now, look,
Andy, you went out with her. It doesn't

you own her. It doesn't mean she isn't
free to fancy somebody else.

Now, you've had your chance, mate.

Come on, Emma.

Do you really want to live with him?

I thought... I thought we were... sort
of... Well, you know.

That's the point.

You've never said anything definite, not
once.

Never taken for granted, old man.

That's fatal.

Ow!

Ow!

What's up?

Have you had the pain before?

Max, tell me.

We'd better get you to the doctor, Max,
as quick as we can.

Do you think he could be serious?

How could I tell? I shouldn't take a
chance on it. It could be a symptom of

various things.

Such as?

Don't ask me. I'm only the radiographer,
but I do take some pretty funny

pictures of stomachs. Is it a dull pain
or is it sharp?

Sharp.

Oh, yes.

That means it is bad.

Well, who's your doctor?

Of course you are.

We'll take one look at you and send you
to us for inside information. We'd

better get you over to the surgery as
quick as we can.

No, but I ain't, Doctor.

He's stolen you from me.

You know that, don't you?

You'll find someone else. I don't want
to find anyone else. It's not good

for you.

Anyway, I'm telling you now, I love you.

I always will love you.

Oh, never mind.

It's not important.

Yes, it is. I care for you both, but I
can't have you both. Make it me, then.

Ali, it's too late. Please, don't go on.

The holiday's booked and we've put a
deposit on the flat.

Oh, damn, he's still on his feet.

What did the doctor say?

Nothing. Well, he poked me around a bit,
but he wouldn't commit himself.

He's given me a form for an X -ray.

Just as I said.

i'm going to ask you to hold your breath

breathe

in breathe out stop now

very

Breathe away.

It's still playing up, is it?

Off and on.

It's the rotten timing with this holiday
coming up. I've got to be 100%. Don't

worry, I'll stand in for you if you're
not.

No, thanks.

Be my pleasure.

Don't I know it.

I'll be on that plane even if I'm flat
out on a stretcher. You've no chance.

I reckon it's God's punishment for
pinching my girl.

What is?

Whatever it is, you've got to have.

He's not your girl.

Never was.

Anyway, all's fair in love and war.

You should know when you're beaten.

Shall I?

Have you seen something?

On your side.

Is there something there?

I'll just take this one.

And I'll tell you.

Well, tell me now. I can take it. Lie
still.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Stop.

Now, very still.

Right.

It's bad, isn't it?

That's why you won't tell me.

You're a bit of a hypochondriac, Max.

I never knew that about you.

You wouldn't be so sure of yourself.

It's just I don't like the idea of
something wrong inside me, that's all.

does? You can get dressed now.

You're trying to wind me up.

Scare me.

Did you get your elbow back? Is that it?

Never crossed my mind.

I'm not like that.

Be unprofessional anyway.

You can relax.

There's nothing you'll die of.

What is it, then?

Well, I shouldn't really show you this.

How come you swallowed that without
knowing?

I didn't.

Isn't that your watch key? In your
stomach?

I told you. You must have swallowed it.

It's impossible.

I can't have.

There's only one way down, Max.

But surely I'd have felt it going down.

Don't you think?

Oh, I feel awful.

And there it is. Right on. Double check.

Proof positive.

It's in your tongue.

Oh, God.

Does that mean they'll cut me open?

No.

Surgery's only the very last resort when
all else fails.

They'll probably want to admit you, keep
you under observation, see no harm's

done. Keep me in?

But we're supposed to be flying on
Saturday, remember?

Relax. The chances are nature will take
its course.

It's amazing what the human machine can
cope with when it's got to.

Mind you, it could be a bit tricky with
those little thigh bones sticking out

from the side of the key.

There's a slight chance of a blockage.

It's a pity it's not shaped like a
little football or an old coin, you

smooth and round.

Are you trying to scare me?

Don't worry.

You haven't lost your pressure key.

We know exactly where it is.

Can we talk to Hartley, please?

Yes, I'll hold on.

At the very worst, all you do is find
the search warrant.

Can't put a stopwatch on it, depends.

What about our holiday?

Better cancel the booking to be on the
same time.

Oh, no.

Terrible. Well, it's only a temporary
delay due to circumstances beyond Max's

control.

How do you feel?

Feel?

With that inside me, how do you think I
feel? It's awful.

Still painful, is it?

Painful enough.

More rotten timing.

Couldn't have happened at a worse time,
could it? Yes, we were just saying.

About Saturday.

The holiday.

Oh, yeah.

The holiday.

Andy says it won't be very long.

I know it's more than the doctor, then.

Doctor won't commit himself.

Well, they have to cover themselves.
Bound to take a day or two, Max. Maybe

three or four.

Or five or six, thanks very much. All
part of the health service.

We've been trying to think how you
swallowed it.

It must have been when you were eating
that sandwich.

That's the last time I saw it. Well, to
be fair, maybe I'm a bit to blame.

You see, I put the key down on the table
without thinking.

So if you put your sandwich down on it
and it stuck underneath, next bite?

Down in one.

But I didn't feel a thing.

And all that gooey bread round it.

What time is it?

7 .03.

You all still gaining?

No, it's stuck.

Is it broken?

There's nothing to wind it with, have I?

Nice of you to come to the travel agent
for me.

I enjoyed it.

Rather, I'm sorry.

Andy, there's something else I think I
ought to tell you.

Yes?

Max has asked me to marry him.

I said yes.

The wedding's on Saturday.

I see.

I couldn't tell you straight out. It
seemed so brutal.

Well, that's marvellous.

Made my day.

Emma, as far as I'm concerned, you're
still my girl.

Well, don't look so worried, young man.
I've seen bigger foreign bodies than

this. The patient's worried about his
forthcoming marriage, Mr Stewart.

My dear fellow, that part of your works
isn't affected in the slightest. You all

function splendidly, provided you always
have before, eh?

Oh, yes.

And you'll have to wait until the
stitches are out, of course.

Stitches? Otherwise you'll ruin your
honeymoon.

They won't stand up to that sort of
physical activity, you understand.

You mean you're going to operate?

If it hasn't moved by tomorrow, yes. Put
him on my afternoon list, will you, Dr

Hartley? Yes, sir.

Do you by any chance have the watch with
you, the one that goes with this key?

In my bag.

Ah, sister, would you mind?

If it's moved before then, will it be
necessary to operate?

Oh, I doubt it will move now.

We've given it long enough.

But don't you worry.

I'll have it out in no time.

Oh, I see. That is a very nice watch.

And it is in beautiful condition.

Are you by any chance interested in
selling it?

The watch and key, I mean.

No. Well, I hadn't thought about it.

My grandad left it to me in his will.

I used to play with the key when I was a
kid.

Skeleton key, he called it. Ah, I see.

Well, rest assured, the key's coming to
no harm inside you, and I look forward

to seeing it in the flesh.

Added incentive for getting it out.

Oh, no, they were not. That's what you
said.

I still say that. Will you tell that to
the doctors?

I'm on a countdown.

What can you do?

Look, there's still nearly a day to go,
and if the key starts to move, Stuart

won't operate.

Don't forget, I'm part of the backup
service.

I'll have you an X -ray tomorrow
morning, and I bet that key will have

How can you be sure?

Happens all the time.

We had a baby in last week.

Swallowed a safety pin.

Open it was, too. And the sharp end, the
one you stick through your... Don't you

stop talking about it. Leave me alone.

How's the pain?

I'll have it back and no operations.

No pain now. That could be a good sign.
That could mean the key's moving. Stop

talking about it, will you?

Sorry.

I expect you want to rest now.

Yeah. We'd better go.

Go. Leave me alone.

All right.

We'll go.

Andy? Yes?

You will X -ray me first thing in the
morning.

Wild horses wouldn't stop me.

Don't worry.

I don't want you to have that operation
any more than you do.

Oh, Max.

He is suffering.

Not a good patient, is he?

Well, you're seeing him in a way you've
never seen him before.

Yes.

I imagine it.

Makes you wonder what he'd be like if
there's something really wrong with him.

Well, I wouldn't like that key inside
me.

You wouldn't carry on the way he does?

I don't know.

I'm not sure.

How about coming and seeing where I
work?

It matters now. Of course it is.

Do you understand all this?

Somebody has to.

I've never had an extra.

Don't you feel anything at all?

Not a thing.

There.

You're the patient who swallowed the
cotton ball story the whole day, wasn't

Of course, with your clothes on, your
buttons and things show through. Now,

men stripped of their underpants, but
ladies are allowed to keep their bras on

as well.

Actually, you've got your forms mixed
up.

All I've done is break my little toe.

Are you sure it's not your knee? Now, I
am very good with knees.

Oh, I'm sure.

But it's my toe.

Anyway, this is the gubbins that takes
the holidays, then.

You won't switch it on, will you?

I can't.

The control panel's over there.

I've never kissed a girl on the table
before.

You never wanted to.

You were funny.

Only one.

Oh?

What was she like?

Fair hair.

Blue eyes.

Very, very lovely.

Andy, I'm marrying Max, remember?

Are you sure of that?

Yes, I... I think I'm sure.

Nothing can be sure now, can it?

Andy, you're confusing me.

Then I have still got a chance.

This isn't fair to Max while he's in
hospital.

Aren't we all?

It's much nicer than an X -ray, I'm
sure.

Unforgotten how gently you kiss.

Look, the patient I'm referring to isn't
on the morning list. He's on the

afternoon list.

Uh, 3 p .m.

Well, I want him here for x -ray.

What do you mean?

Who's changed the lists around?

It must have passed out of her stomach
since the last X -ray.

It's the only possibility, sir.

Last. I was looking forward to holding
that splendid key in my hand.

Tell the radiographer to locate its
present position.

By the time I got to the operating
theatre, it was too late.

There was nothing I could do.

Why did they operate this morning?

Mr Stewart changed his roster.

You don't question God about the order
of the Ten Commandments, do you?

It wasn't your fault, Andy.

Never mind.

Max will be pleased it's all over.

It isn't, not quite.

They didn't find it.

Well, where is it?

On its journey somewhere, we hope, on
its way out.

So he'll soon be leaving hospital, then?

Could be.

Yes, I suppose so.

You don't sound pleased for him. To hell
with Max!

Look, Emma.

Can't you see it's fate, isn't it?

Swallowing the key, being in hospital,
giving us the chance. I don't know. I'm

not sure.

To sort things out, get it right. You
must see it's right, isn't it?

The two of you pressuring me.

Look, I've got to get back to the
office. I'll be late.

Came again, please.

What's the key, patient?

It's passed out of the stump.

The surgeon wants you to go lower down
until you locate it again.

Right, Doctor.

Will do.

I'll call you as soon as I find it. No,
no, I'll look at it as you do it.

We're in a hurry to get on.

Hartley? Yes, sir.

I can only spare a minute.

Push on, will you?

Yes, doctor. Quick as I can.

You... You said they wouldn't operate.

They won't operate again.

I guarantee it.

As soon as I've proved it's moving on
its way, you won't be that operating

ticket again.

I promise you.

Promises, promises.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Stop.

Ah, Parklet. Is that key showing up yet?
No, not when I left X -Ray, sir. I want

that key.

The what?

It's on the viewer in the darkroom, sir.

See it better in there, sir. Oh, very
well.

It's amazing how far it got, Doctor.

Really? Good.

There seems to be... There seems to be
something not quite right here.

On every X -ray, the watch key is in
sharp focus.

Very sharp.

Actually more than one would expect.

Don't you think?

Well, you're the radiographer. You
agree, don't you?

Why don't you speak?

No, sir.

Did you say no? You're not speaking very
clearly.

Yes, sir. No, sir.

Are you saying, no, the focus is not
exceptionally sharp for a foreign body

the duodenum?

Yes, sir.

No, sir.

They don't appear to you as though the
key might not be in the intestine at

perhaps closer to the negative, say,
placed by someone on the table under the

mattress for some reason I haven't as
yet perceived.

Couldn't be from there, sir.

Nothing there, sir.

You're not eating, are you?

No, sir.

No, but there is something in your
mouth, isn't there?

I thought I saw you slip something in
your mouth, and now I'm certain. What

it? Let me see. Open up.

I did tinkly for you, swallow man.

I've the life of the matter. It's very
dry today.

Or was it what we've been looking for
inside this patient? The watch key.

You could have nicked it at the leisure
centre.

Well, you said it first, Max. All's fair
in love and war.

I didn't mean for you to have the
operation.

It was your fault. I just wanted to have
a chance to get things right. I should

never speak to you again.

All for love, I see.

Gone all the way down, has it?

Yes, but... Prepare the patient for
surgery, Dr Hartley.

I'll operate this afternoon.