All language subtitles for tales_of_the_unexpected_s03e05_a_girl_cant_always_have_everything

What's she got that we haven't? I mean,
apart from about 50 years head start.

She can't remember lines, she can barely
move, and she certainly can't act, but

listen to them. It's the English
disease.

Comment savoir?

If you go on doing anything for long
enough, the great British public will

love you. Especially if you do it badly.

You're taking your course from here.

It's a close thing. What?

Who dies first, Sarah Bernhardt or the
tour?

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, lady shit.

Hang about, girl.

Oh, I can't be in the theater. Listen.

I want you to do me a favor. Oh, not
another cut in salary.

What do you take me for?

We remember Morecambe. I was nursing the
show then. I explained.

What were you doing in Sheffield?
Burying it? I found a new backer.

Oh.

Theater buff.

Money, no object.

What's the catch?

None. He's just very anxious to make
your acquaintance. Oh, not again.

Shame on you.

Theatrical empresario and white slave
trader.

All I'm asking you to do is to be civil
to him. Just butter him up a bit. Well,

it'll cost you dinner.

Both of us.

Done.

Bless you.

Both of you. Tag two.

Patrick! Coming.

I'll come and rescue you in half an
hour. I'll speak to him. Good.

Yes, my love. A word in my dressing
room.

You want to play with the boys tonight?

You mean poker?

Yeah. Thanks, I've got a date.

I hope he's nothing like that furry from
Clayton.

You mean the early born I look like?

Deep breath.

Hello,

hello.

Hello.

I'm Herbert Millett.

As in maze?

I'm sorry?

Joke. I don't quite follow.

Millet. Maze. You know, so as in maze.
Ah, yes.

My name is spelt M -I -L -L -E double T
-E.

Well, it was a pretty corny joke anyway.

Don't make a mean out of it.

Sorry,

it's a sort of private game.

I see.

How do you do?

And I'm Susie Star.

Yes, fine joke.

Would you, uh...

Would you like a drink?

Yes, thank you.

Would you have a glass by any chance?

Thank you.

How would you like the toast?

Oh, awfully good.

Especially you.

Good. Both of you, of course.

Excuse me.

Slap off, darling.

Thank you, Patrick.

It'll be better tomorrow.

I'll speak to them.

I could kill them.

Of course we wouldn't be here at all if
it wasn't for wonderful people like you.

Oh, don't say that.

It's true.

What do you do?

Apart from backing shows, I mean. I'm a
toy manufacturer.

Really? Hmm, really.

Oh, I should think that's a jolly
satisfying job.

Well, as a matter of fact, it is.

And profitable?

Well, it can be, if you do it on a large
enough scale.

And do you?

Do I what?

Do it on a large enough scale.

Make toys, I mean.

Well, I'd say I have an associated
company or a distributor in just about

country in the world.

Do you now?

Look here, can't I get you a drink?

Gin and tonic, all right?

Fine.

How about you, Miss Star? Oh, please.

Call me Susie.

Susie? She'll have a thing.

Oh, well, actually, I hardly ever touch
it. In a picture?

But since we're celebrating, I'll have a
mere sip of yours.

Salute.

Look, if your business is that big, what
on earth are you doing dabbling in show

business?

Well, I needed an outlet when my wife
died.

She died last year.

Oh, you poor thing. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes, we've been very close, you see, in
marriage a long time.

I thought I needed a change, something
with no associations.

Oh, I can so understand that.

I believe you can.

I'm an extremely intuitive person.

Yes.

Yes. I could feel, I don't know, a sort
of sense of loss about you the moment we

came into the room.

Isn't that amazing?

Amazing.

Excuse me.

I don't mind telling you I felt drawn to
you the minute you came in.

In fact, I was hoping to persuade you to
have dinner with me.

Oh! Both of you, of course. Oh, lovely.
How invitable. I have booked a table at

Rules.

That's my favourite restaurant.

Good. Hey, just a minute. What about
dinner with Patrick?

Oh, darling, Patrick's your date, not
mine.

It would be sweet of you to ask me to
tag along, but, um, if Mr Millett

be too bored, which is me for me.

By Jove, no.

You sure? Sure.

I see.

Well, if you're ready.

Ready.

Say hello to Patrick, darling.

Good night, Miss Lewis.

Have a good one.

Not still mad at me? No.

Though I can't think why you behaved
absolutely abominably.

Oh, darling, I'm sorry, but I couldn't
resist it.

Pat, he is loaded.

Caviar and champagne until it was coming
out of my ears, and duck a l 'orange

and crepe suzette for Susie's supper. I
bet you had to sing for it.

And then home in a rose the size of this
room, and no funny biz.

Do you mean he says after all that, old
Millard didn't even get his own?

You can be very coarse sometimes.

wanted was a chaste good night, or
rather good morning kiss.

And that's all you got?

That, of course.

Well, I'll be damned.

Well, I'm not.

I am pure snow white, as far as
Herbert's concerned.

Oh, come on. You'd be known to leap into
bed on the strength of a cup of

rehearsal room coffee. Well, that's the
Robin Hood in me. Take from the rich,

give to the needy.

Everybody's made Miriam.

He even showed me a snap of his dear
departed.

Dog. Crap, darling.

First prize, the best British bulldog.

Not that he's exactly Paul Newman.

Oh, well, you know what they say.

A girl can't always have everything.

What's that?

Rubber red. Oh, we should be so lucky.

Miss Susie.

Miss Dar?

Not for me.

Well, is she here?

Yeah. I'll sign for them.

Hang about.

There you go.

Thanks a lot.

Who's a clever girl, then?

Wow!

I've done my best to make them wither
between here and the front door.

I'd say it was yours for the taking.

And I'm green with envy.

It's real.

I'm engaged to Mr. Worthing, Mama.

Pardon me, you are not engaged to
anyone.

When you do become engaged to someone,
I, or your father, should his health

permit it, will inform you of the fact.

It has always been a girlish dream of
mine to love someone whose name was...

Ernest.

There is something in that name that
seems to inspire absolute confidence.

I pity any poor young married woman
whose husband is not called Herbert.

Isn't he...

Gorgeous. Are you sure you've only held
hands?

Cake or bread and butter?

Bread and butter, please.

Cake is rarely seen in the best houses
nowadays.

Kindly... You have filled my tea with
lumps of sugar.

And though I distinctly ask for bread
and butter... Practical jokes.

I'll speak to them.

You'll speak to them.

Do you like it better with the collar
down or up? I'd like it better on me.

Susie, I put up with your pranks today
because I need Herbert's money, but I

warn you, you come on stage in his
latest opera, there'll be trouble.

What is it?

See for yourself, it's outside the stage
door.

I can't wait.

The imagination absolutely boggles.

Nice one, baby.

Shall we see if it works?

I wonder

what

the catch is.

The catch is he wants to marry me.

Figures.

I reckon it's the nice way of trying to
get his presents back.

You want to marry him?

Of course not. I don't even fancy him.

On the other hand, I don't want to lose
this golden goose.

If you can't eat your cake and have it,
why not?

It looks really good on you. Leave it to
me in your will. Oh, but of course.

Well, the bride and groom.

Thank you.

You'll be next.

Yes, indeed.

Where are you going for your honeymoon?

Oh, we're staying here, as a matter of
fact.

Oh, but the Barbican's only three
minutes away.

It's just while Herbert has a dreary old
penthouse to be decorated.

While Susie has my perfectly adequate
penthouse turned into an Arabian night's

fantasy. But darling, tenting's so cozy.

Just. Teasing, darling?

Susie didn't want to be too far away in
case the decorator wanted to see her.

Let's get some more champagne.

Wait till you see him, decorator.

John Travolta, with the nearest hint of
Steve McQueen.

Makes sense, wouldn't you say?

It's a bore.

One has to make oneself available.

You know, that's the wonderful thing
about Susie.

I've never known her not make herself
available when she was wanted.

Absolutely.

Well.

There's something in that name that
seems to inspire.

Absolutely. That all you've got to say?

I'll miss you. Of course.

If that's what you want.

You know me.

Never offended back then.

Oh, your wife.

So you're finally going to turn in your
equity cards?

Well, it's not exactly that it was paid
up. So much for combining marriage with

a career.

You know, that's the wonderful thing
about being married to a rich man.

It suddenly makes the rat race lose its
appeal.

Mind you, if Patrick hadn't decided to
go back to his wife, or even if that

decorator hadn't, you don't have to make
excuses. I'd do the same if I had the

chance. Oh, your turn will come.

I doubt it. It will.

And when it does, you'd better make sure
that you milk it for all it's worth.

I'm not an expert like you.

Well, then you'd better just learn.

If you don't grab the goodies while
you're young... Don't moralize. It's

than I can bear.

I'm just being practical.

But you grabbed this particular bunch of
goodies right from underneath my nose.

Uh -huh.

Proves my point, right?

Do you know, Susie, there are times when
I could cheerfully murder you.

Adios, amigo.

So what's the trouble?

Anniversary dinner last night. Three
months of wedded bliss.

And they said it wouldn't last.

Souvenir?

That ain't more worth it.

Soft light, champagne, and Herbert
announces that he wants to become a

What did you do?

I almost threw up.

Well, how are you going to wriggle your
way out of this one?

Well, his dear departed couldn't manage
to get pregnant in all those years,

right?

So I'm going to have to tell Herbert the
same sad story.

Yes, but then all those tests and
things. Oh, I'm going to have them all.

Do you remember my friendly Harley
Street gynecologist, Dr.

Optimus? He owes me a favor, doesn't he?
He certainly does.

And he's going to have to tell Herbert
the bad news.

He can't be your daddy.

Susie, do you know I actually begin to
feel sorry for Herbert as time goes by?

Well, I might.

If I hadn't met this tennis player who
looked just... Like Alain Delon.

I tell you, Pat, pay a card right, and a
girl just might have everything.

One of these days, Herbert's going to
rumble you.

No. The husband's always the love to
know.

Your attention, please, for British
Airfare passengers for Geneva. Please

the... If he wasn't old and got in a
crushing ball, I could be quite fond of

Herbert. He is so gullible.

I really want him to be Stuttgart with
him this weekend.

Toy there.

Can you imagine me at a toy fair?

I invented this ailing aunt in Wales.

Did he believe you? Oh, he thought it.
Hook, line and thinker.

Do you hear?

Herbert.

What are you doing here?

And who's this?

What did you say?

What could I say?

I mean, even I couldn't convince Herbert
that I was flying to Wales, not with

Paris plastered all over my hand
baggage.

How did he take it? He turned very
nasty.

The board?

And much worse than that. Like he wants
me out of the penthouse by the time he

gets back, and no maintenance.

He's even going to sue to get back his
present.

Well, you did rather ask for it, didn't
you?

Well, there's no need to sound so
pleased about it.

I looked after you when the going was
good, didn't I?

No. How can you say that? Because it's
true. If anyone looked after me, it was

Herbert. At least he gave me the odd
glass of champagne.

All you ever did was to show off your
presence and crow on about how you were

running rings down the floor, Poopy.

Well, I'll make up for it.

People like Herbert don't grow on trees,
you know.

I know.

Hence my master plan to get him back.

For which I need your help.

Now what?

Sit down.

My attempted suicide.

Oh! I'll help with that gladly.

I've got this brilliant idea.

The sinner repents. Will you?

Here's my suicide note.

I hope you remember to make your hands
shake.

Yes, it's even tear -stained.

I can't afford to screw this one up.
Where else would I find a cash dispenser

like Herbert?

A girl can't always have everything.

Now, listen.

Tomorrow, I'm booked into our honeymoon
suite at the Savoy because it's only

three minutes away from our penthouse.
You're going to come there with me.

Herbert's due back at seven o 'clock.
You start calling him at 6 .45.

What for?

To make sure he's there.

Oh, you are slow.

When he answers, you hang up.

And then I can start timing everything.

Like what?

Like swallowing a whole bottle of
sleeping pills.

Susie, don't mess around with sleeping
pills. I'd be scared stiff.

Well, I'm scared a bit.

Well, then don't take them. Just pretend
to. I've got to. It's got to look as

real as possible.

What if something goes wrong? That's why
I'm working on every detail.

Now, the moment that you know that
Herbert is there, you rush right over

give him this.

What do I tell Herbert? You tell him
that when you got home, you found this

along with this.

Dear pap, please see that Herbert gets
it. I thought you were very puzzled by

the whole thing, but you know how upset
I've been by the break -up, so you rush

right over. Got it?

I'm beginning to. And the minute he
opens the letter... Wham!

You'd better pretend to be a little
stunned yourself.

Yes.

Now, you've got to make sure that
Herbert gets to me in time to slap me

Hurry, hurry, you've got to save her.
Call a doctor. And to be on the safe

I will call a doctor. Doctor Octopus.

Oh, of course.

Hopefully he gets there after Herbert
saved my life.

Forgive me, Herbert.

There's nothing to forgive, my darling.
It was all my fault.

Oh, Herbert.

Oh, Susie.

Tears of joy, Clint.

Fade out.

Academy Award.

Won't be a dry eye in the house.

After a shock like that, I don't think
that Herbert will ever question a thing

do again. I think you can safely come
home.

I'll be able to eat my cake and have it
too.

I'm planning on leaving my hair loose,
but do you think I should wear a sexy

black negligee or should it be pure
white and... Don't laugh.

Virginal.

Oh, the pure look.

Definitely.

Ring him again.

I only rang him five minutes ago.

I can't stand this event.

I've never known you have first night
nabs like this before.

I've never had a first night like this
before.

Ring him. Okay.

Have a minute.

Got the show on the road.

Think it's going to work?

Yes, like a dream.

I'll ring you as soon as he leaves the
flat, then you can start taking the

pills. You've got the suicide note? And
my note to you? Yes.

Well, I never had parts like this in the
theatre.

Right.

Now come in here, old kid. I'll do my
best.

Pax!

Wish me luck.

Oh, I do, darling.

Room 203, please.

Yes? Susie?

Susie, listen, I've been thinking. I
don't think we should go through with

I knew you were going to say that.

I'm not going to give all this up now.

I just hope that you pushed the creep
out of the door.

Yes.

Yes, I did.

He's on his way.

I feel terrible wearing this.

I know Susie would have wanted you to
have it.

Do you really think so?

I still can't quite believe it.

Susie, of all people.

I never imagined her killing herself.

I don't suppose she did.

What?

I mean, these things happen. You mustn't
blame yourself.

No, Pat.

You're really rather a wonderful person.

Thank you, Herbert.

No, I mean it.

I just don't know how I'd have got
through these past few weeks without

I only wish I could have done more to
help.

Would you like to have lunch with me?

Thank you, that would be lovely.

Rules all right?

My favorite restaurant.

I hope it won't be too dull for you.

I'm afraid I'm not back at the top of my
form yet.

Well... A girl can't always have
everything.