All language subtitles for tales_of_the_unexpected_s02e08_my_love_my_dove

I am told that in the United States,
women own about 80 % of all the wealth

the country.

Most of them, I suppose, have managed to
bump their husbands off in one splendid

way or another, and good luck to them.

But what do they do with all that money,
these women?

What they do not do is to remarry
penniless young men. They're too smart

that.

And yet very rich men...

who for some reason are all incredibly
lecherous, are forever marrying

penniless, beautiful young ladies.

These husbands don't live very long.

But here is the story about a rich woman
who did the opposite and married a man

without money.

And look what happened to them.

I have an idea, Arthur. What? I have an
idea.

I'm listening to Beethoven.

Wrong. You're listening to me. Turn it
off.

Would you like a drink, Arthur?

Thank you. No.

Would you like to hear what my idea is?

Well, I guess I'm going to, whether I
want to or not.

Don't get smart with me.

I want you well disposed to what I've
got to say. Have a drink, Arthur.

I don't want one. Have a drink!

All right.

I'll have one.

Now, what's the matter with you lately?

You're so argumentative. Me?

There was a time when you seemed
genuinely grateful for everything I've

you. Well, I am, honey.

I am.

Not many guys could sit around listening
to Beethoven in the middle of the

afternoon. I know that, dear, and I'm
grateful.

I think you've come to despise me and my
money.

Sweetheart, that's not true.

I mean, I never for a moment thought
that I was going to get... You know, I

could just as soon stop your allowance
and suggest maybe that you go to work.

Do you think that would teach you to
appreciate me?

Look, I don't have to be taught how to
appreciate you, dearest.

But I don't have to prove everything.

I mean, who, for instance, brings you up
your morning coffee on a May Day?

Now, if that's not appreciation, I don't
know what... Showing interest in

everything I've got to say.

That's appreciation.

What brought this moon on, dear?

Boredom.

Boredom? I'm bored, Arthur.

You bored?

Bored. Bored?

Bored. Well, don't be, dear. We've got
people coming for the weekend. And that

bores me.

Well, then why did you ask them? You
know perfectly well why I asked them.

bridge, and that's all.

Well, there you go.

We're not going to be bored playing
bridge.

No, I'll grant you that. They do play a
first -class game of bridge.

And for decent steak, too.

But in every other department, I don't
think I've ever met... No, I don't know.

The only time, the only time I ever met
them, they seemed quite nice.

So does the butcher.

He is very nice. Oh, shut up, Arthur.
You know the sort of people they are

as well as I do.

A couple of crummy, vulgar social
climbers who think they can get in any

just because they play a decent game of
bridge.

Well, if that's what you thought, you
never should have invited them. I

them because I'm sick and tired of
playing bridge with cabbages.

But on reflection, Arthur, on
reflection, I don't like the idea of

people in my house.

Well, it's too late to cancel it. I
mean, they've probably left their house

now. Exactly.

I don't understand.

Well, they're coming whether I like it
or not, right?

You want to have some fun, Arthur?

What, playing bridge?

No, no, no, no, Arthur, dear.

Not playing bridge.

After playing bridge.

That's what my idea is all about.

Oh, your idea.

I see. No, you don't.

But try and guess.

Guess what?

What my idea is. The kind of fun I have
in mind after we played bridge.

It's not charades.

Nope.

Wine tasting?

No, Arthur. It's not wine tasting.

Well, I give up.

Oh, come on, Arthur. Use your
imagination. Think about the snakes and

you'll get it.

Who are the snakes?

For God's sake, Arthur, will you wake
up? The Snakes, our weekend guests,

and Sally Snakes. Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry.

Now think about the Snakes.

The kind of people they are.

I can't think of anything.

How about the way they behave?

Well, he's always seemed like a pretty
good -humored kind of guy. She seems

devoted to him.

Arthur, she acts like a lovesick
sparrow.

And he acts like a traveling salesman.

He is a traveling salesman.

Okay. There you are.

They never stop looking at each other
and they've been married for seven

Blowing secret kisses and batting
eyelids and his jokes.

He can't even tell a clean one without
making it sound dirty.

Well, I thought that was a very funny
story. The one about the two women

wrestlers and all the mud.

Yeah, you would.

Well, you laughed too, didn't you? Well,
I was only trying to be polite.

But I'm really going to laugh tonight,
Arthur.

After we played bridge.

Well, go on. I'm listening.

Oh, Arthur, my boy, that's good. That's
very good, because that's precisely what

we're going to do. What?

Listen.

Listen?

You see, Arthur, what I've always wanted
to know is what people do when

they're alone together.

Oh, wait a minute, Pamela. Oh, come on,
Arthur. Let's have some real fun for a

change.

Am I thinking what you're thinking?

Well, that depends on what you're
thinking.

Tell me.

Oh, you tell me first.

All we have to do is put one of your
microphones in the guest room.

That's what I thought you were thinking.

Good.

That's absolutely out of the question.

Can't do it.

Why not?

It's the nastiest trick I ever heard of.

Well, of course it is. I mean, it's like
listening at keyholes. It's like

opening people's mail. That's right.

But in our own home, it's worse.

Listening to what our guests have to say
in the privacy of their bedroom.

It's indecent. Well, that's the whole
point.

Look, I don't want to know what our
guests have to say when they're in bed.

Oh, come on, Arthur. Look, are you
serious?

Of course I'm serious. Well, Pella, I
forbid you to do it.

Wow.

My second husband said that to me once,
and he's in Louisville, Kentucky,

selling insurance door to door.

Well, Pamela, I got to tell you, I can't
go along with this. Well, I don't see

why not. Why not? Because I've never
done anything like it before in my life.

Not right, Pamela. It's just about as
right as when you found those letters of

Mary Proberts in her purse and read
every single one of them from beginning

end. Well, maybe we never should have
done that. We?

Well, you read them afterwards, didn't
you? Okay, and it didn't harm anybody,

did it? You said so yourself at the
time.

And this kind of thing is no worse than
that.

Well, how would you like it if somebody
did the same thing to you?

How could I mind, Arthur, if I didn't
know they were doing it?

No! No!

I'm not going to have anything more to
do with it!

Come on, Arthur.

Come on, Arthur.

Can't you see how much fun this will be?

And you're so good with your hands,
you'll have a ball. All those wires and

speakers and... I'm not the captain,
Pamela!

That's a nasty idea. It's a really nasty
idea. Of course it's nasty.

I'm a nasty person.

And so are you.

That's why we get along so well
together.

I'm not that nasty.

Yes, you are.

And if you're not...

Maybe we don't have as much in common as
I thought.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean what's a nice person like
you doing associating with a nasty

like me?

I didn't mean that. What did you mean,
Arthur?

I want to think it over.

Maybe the great electronics engineer
doesn't know how to connect a mic to a

speaker.

That's the easiest part of it. Well, go
and do it then.

I want to have time to think about it.
There isn't time to think about it,

Arthur. They'll be here in less than an
hour.

Can't you see how much fun it'll be?

I don't want to write into it.

If you do what I ask, Arthur, I'll put
on that apron you bought for me

in Hamburg.

Oh, my God.

And the Wellington boots.

Mama, don't. Don't.

And I'll tell you where I hid the
feather duster.

Where?

honey. Put you on.

Right.

Oh, what the hell is he doing?

Arthur, what the hell are you doing?

I'm bouncing up and down.

Oh, okay.

Can you hear me?

I'm speaking in an ordinary
conversational voice.

Now I'll whisper.

Remember what you promised I was.

Perfect, Arthur.

You're a genius.

Good. I've got a couple more things to
fix up here.

Okay.

All right, I'm going.

Millie!

Millie!

Millie! Don't answer the door, Millie.
I'll get it.

Hello, Sally. How lovely to see you. see
you. Hello, Henry.

Hello. How you doing? Good. God, I can't
tell you how much I'm looking forward

to this weekend.

Have a nice trip up?

Yeah, very good. Was there much traffic?
No, no, clear all the way. Oh, good.

What a beautiful place you got here. Oh,
thank you. We love it.

Well, what are we standing here for?
Come on in.

Pamela, would you mind if I went
straight to my room and changed?

Doc.

Why don't we have a quick drink first,
and then I'll show you the garden. Well,

it's just that we stopped for coffee on
the way, and an awfully clumsy waiter.

Oh, my God. But did I have fun trying to
clean it up, huh? I mean, come on.

Would you mind, Pamela? Yeah, you know,
it's the oddest thing. I spilled tomato

ketchup down one of Arthur's shirts
once. A white shirt.

Catch it. Can you imagine that?

We were in a restaurant at the time, and
Arthur leaned over, you know, to get

the waiter to get a cloth to clean it
up. And the woman at the next table

screamed. She thought I'd stabbed
Arthur.

No, I'm not kidding. She was hysterical.

So Arthur went over to explain, and that
only made matters worse.

And I didn't know what to do, so I
started to shout, Arthur!

Arthur!

And he didn't take any notice. And so I
went over to the table and I was

shouting, still shouting, Arthur!

Arthur! And by that time, poor darling
Arthur is patting this woman's hand and

soothing her and saying, everything's
going to be all right. But she's crying

and I'm still shouting, Arthur!

There you are.

Our guests are here. Yeah, hello, Henry.
Hello, Sally.

Hi, Arthur. How are you? Arthur, Sally
would like to go.

Straight to her room to freshen up.
Would you mind?

Not at all.

Okay. I'll take the bag, Henry. Yeah.
Take hers. Okay.

Sally, you go with Arthur.

Henry, you come with me.

Oh, I'd like that. We'll have that quick
drink.

I'd like that very much. Sure.

Dinner's at 7 .30 around here, if that's
all right with you. Sure.

And then after dinner, we'll play
bridge.

What else?

I guarantee I'll play for very long
tonight. I'm so tired.

That's exhausting, Dad.

I bid one heart.

Two spades.

Pass.

Pass.

Pass.

Not too much here, I'm afraid.

There you go.

No more drinks, Arthur.

Well, not for me.

Okay, the rest are mine.

I'm afraid all those diamonds aren't
good. You're going to lose two at the

God damn it, you're too good.

Not really.

You know, I don't know what's the matter
with me tonight, but I'm absolutely

bushed. Sally, Henry, do you mind if we
add up?

Don't you want to finish the rubber?

Well, what the hell, we've got the rest
of the weekend ahead of us.

I'm sorry, I can't stop yawning.

There you go, Henry. Thanks, Arthur. Oh,
forgive me.

Kelly?

Well, you two play like a couple of
demons.

It's hard to get to be so good.

Oh, just practice.

Practice, practice, practice.

As the actress said to the bishop.

Have you ever played any championships?

No, not yet. But Henry wants for us to
do that very much. It's just terribly

hard work to reach that standard.

Very hard work.

That's what the bishop said to the
actress.

Oh, come on, Henry. You have a one
-track mind.

Hey, doesn't everybody?

We owe you 250 bucks.

Well,

I guess it could have been worse, the
way we were playing.

You were just unlucky.

I mean, after all, we play almost every
night.

Ah, don't be just.

Well, I don't think it's luck. It had
nothing to do with it.

We just made an awful lot of mistakes.

So did we.

Oh, just one.

Oh, when Sally went to Six Spades. She
thought you had more in your hand than

you did. Yeah, that's right.

Well, other than that, I thought you...
Oh, for God's sakes, Arthur. Let's not

go over and over the hands. I can't
stand post -mortem.

No, it was my fault entirely. I told you
it was the country air. I just can't

wait to get to bed.

Oh, lucky Arthur.

I'm tired, Henry.

Ah, unlucky Arthur.

I just couldn't concentrate on the cards
at all tonight.

Well, there's always tomorrow, Pamela.
That's the spirit.

Look at me, I can't keep my eyes open.
Well, I'm just wide awake, and if Pamela

wouldn't mind, we could play three
-handed. I mean, after all, it's just

eleven.

Well, I'm a little, uh, I'm a little
bushy myself.

Hey,

I think we better go up too, Sal.

I'm just wide awake. I think our hosts
are wanting to retire, sweetheart.

Oh, well, now look, I don't want to...
You wouldn't think it terribly rooted

I think I'll just watch The Late Show on
TV.

Television doesn't work.

Repairman was supposed to come around
this afternoon to fix it. He didn't come

around.

Only others said it's in our bedroom.

Well, we don't mind crowding in there,
huh?

Well,

I think I'll just sit over here and read
for a while until I get tired. I put

some books in your room.

Hey, looks like the bid's against you,
Sal. I guess.

Don't worry about getting up in the
morning. We're late risers.

We've got a lovely view from the room.
It goes right out across the valley.

Sun comes in about 10 o 'clock in the
morning.

It's absolutely breathtaking.

Well, here we go.

Steady, bud.

Good night, Henry.

Good night, Sally.

Good night.

Sleep well.

They're very quiet, aren't they?

I can't help feeling we oughtn't to be
doing this.

So?

So what?

So what?

So what? So everything.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know exactly what it means, Sal. We
don't, Henry.

You didn't want to come to bed tonight,
did you, Sal? Oh, here we go.

No, I didn't. And we know why, don't we?
No, we don't, Henry. I know why I

didn't want to come to bed, Henry, but I
don't know about you. Oh, I know. I

know perfectly well.

You didn't want to come to bed because
you're frightened of being punished.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, that's understandable, isn't it? I
mean, I don't like being punished.

Yes, but you're going to be punished,
aren't you, Sal?

Not now, Henry.

Please, I'm so tired.

Look, she said they were late risers. We
can get up early in the morning and do

it. They won't hear us. We'll do it now.

Oh, boy, Henry.

You're going to be punished, Sal. You're
going to do it over and over and over

again until you get it right.

I doubt we'll be up all night.

What's that?

If she's crying. Cut the crap, Sam. You
don't get around me by crying.

I can't do it again, Henry.

I'm so tired.

It'll be better in the morning. I
promise I'll be fresher in the morning.

I said now.

Jesus, he'll just waste the money. You
goddamn idiot.

This whole lousy evening wasted 250
bucks.

It won't happen again.

Right, it's not going to happen again.
It won't happen again, and I'm not

any chances. We're going to practice
right now.

Oh, Lou and me, please. I can't stand
anymore.

I'm so tired.

Look, all the way out here to take money
off this rich bitch, and what do you

do? You go and blow it.

Wait a minute.

I said I made a mistake.

I got mixed up. It won't happen again.

Sit down.

I'm going to call them out, and you're
going to answer.

Lou and me, please. Not all 500. It'll
take hours.

All right, we'll leave out the finger
positions.

No, Henry, I don't want to do it again.
Look, Sal, we've got to get it perfect.

We've got a game every day next week.
Now you know that.

Besides, we've got to eat.

I'm going to start at the beginning.

A club.

King, queen of spades. Ace, king, queen
of diamonds.

Ace, king, queen, jack of hearts.

King, Queen, Jack of Spades. Ace and
Queen of Diamonds. Ace, King, Queen,

of Hearts.

Queen of Clubs.

I'll call one club.

Ace, Queen, King, Jack, Ace of Spades.
Ace, King, Queen, Jack of Hearts. Ace

Queen of Diamonds.

King of Clubs. One club, my love.

It's a bidding code.

They can single every card they've got
in their hand. Ace, King, Queen, Jack of

Hearts. Ace, King, Queen, Jack of
Hearts. I'll say one club. It's like a

reading. One man goes into the yard.

One heart, sweetheart.

Ace, king, queen, jack of spades. Ace,
king, queen, jack of diamonds.

Ace, queen, jack of hearts.

Queen of clubs.

He didn't tell her how many cards he
got. He's still just by the position of

finger. How?

I don't know. But you heard him telling
her. Ace of hearts.

Ace, ten, queen.

I have all the rotten, crooked, immoral,
unprincipled son of a... What a

marvelous idea.

Buddy.

The bidding code.

Arthur.

Do you think we could learn to do it?

We could.

Why not?

Paddle up. Paddle up.

Paddle up.

No code, no apron.

Paddle up. No Wellington boot.

You promised. No feather duster. Sit
down.

Hold it.

I'm going to pencil.

Now look.

We have to work out our own finger
position.

Promises. Promises. Jack, queen of
clubs.

One spade.

Ace, ten, jack, queen of spades. Ace,
ten, jack, queen, king of diamonds. Ace

and king of hearts.