All language subtitles for Tales Of The Unexpected s09e10 mr know-all

I thank you, gentlemen, and this
afternoon's lecture.

Thank you.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I'm Max Gelada.

Dr. Max Gelada?

That is quite right.

Oh, well, if you'll just wait a moment,
Professor, I'll tell your assistant

manager that you're here. Thank you.

Do you mind filling out one day's dream,
please? Not at all.

Oh, Mr. Cradley?

Yes, it's great, sir.

Yes, Professor Max Collado has arrived.

Yes, sir, I'll do that right away, sir.

This is the manager. We'll be with you
in one moment, sir. Very good.

Are they tart?

I'm sorry?

The girls, are they tart?

Oh, I believe they're students,
Professor. They're here for the

of course. Many of them are here for my
lectures.

Well, this is a holiday resort. Surely
some of them are lobby girls?

Ah, well, I... Can I help?

I hope so, sir, because the professor
here has a query.

Well, that's what we're here to answer.

Professor Collada? That's right. I'm
Jasper Gramley, the assistant manager of

the Greenleaf. How do you do? How do you
do? Now, how can I help you, sir?

Well, I simply ask if some of these
girls here were hookers.

Hookers?

What a suggestion.

Why, Professor Collada, the Greenleaf is
just about the most discriminating

hotel on the island.

These girls are graduate students, most
of them.

I can assure you our security would
allow nothing off -color in the lobby.

Really? How depressing.

Now then, we were expecting you
yesterday, Professor.

Yes, I was delayed in Tokyo.

I tried to cable from Moscow airport,
but you know how ludicrously inefficient

the Russians are.

Fifteen, please.

Do I have a sweeter room? Why,
Professor, all of our accommodation

studio suites, which are made up of a
large living area, a terrace, with a

jacuzzi -equipped bathroom. Yes, yes, I
understand.

It's a room.

I suppose Professor Medox of Yale has
got the only problem. I can assure you,

Professor, there is no favoritism at the
Greenleaf. All of you visiting

archaeologists will receive the same
high standard of personalized service

ultra -modern but gracious
accommodation.

Why are these called the Virgin Islands?

I have no idea.

Seems a trifle ominous.

I'll have a maid bring up your whiskey,
sir.

Are the maids available?

This is a decent hotel, Professor.

Curly.

I'm sorry.

I apologize.

I guess it's just that I'm feeling a
little bit jumpy, sir. You see, my

returning from Boston tomorrow with our
little girl, and I'm always kind of

nervous when they fly, sir.

Still, Professor, it might save
embarrassment if you would just remember

this is a conference hotel.

Curly, have this put up in the lobby,
please.

I'll have it attended to, sir. Thank
you.

So, Barnum's arrived, has he? Good
morning, Professor Maddox. Morning.

He'll turn your lobby into a casino.
Really?

The greatest showman in archaeology does
the Mortimer Wheeler stunt.

People come up to him with a bit of
pottery of such like, and he says what

is, what they are.

Only he does it for money.

He bets the customers $100 he'll get it
right. Does he always win?

No, not always.

Merely a modest nine times out of ten.
Just enough to make him a small fortune.

But I think he does it mainly to impress
the girls.

I see. Is there a Mrs. Collada?

No.

He's, shall we say, addicted to variety.

If Max Collada sees a girl twice, he
thinks the affair's getting stale. You

he's a womanizer, a seducer.

The Casanova de Nojour.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Cranley. I'm
the roommate.

Oh, yes. Aren't you the English girl,
Ellie?

Ellie Somerton. That's it, Miss
Somerton.

Are you here on a working vacation, Miss
Somerton? Yes, I am. I need some sun.

Going to medical school when I get back.

Oh, really? I have a great respect for
doctors.

Would you please take a bottle of single
malt whiskey to room 15?

Cool. And you take care now. Yes, Mr.
Cranley.

What do you mean, take care?

Oh, it's nothing to get upset about.
Jeff, would you please put one in each

room, please?

It's just that sometimes some of our
visitors, our gentlemen visitors, they

the wrong idea about our girls if you
take my meaning.

You mean they assume we're cool girls?

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's putting
far... Yes, I guess that's it. Oh, it's

happened to me before.

I've had some extraordinary experiences.

Once in a hotel in Grand Rapids... Yes,
yes, yes. We're just running a

conference center here, Miss Somerton.

We don't often encounter these types of
problems.

But the chap in 15 is an exception.

Oh, well, Professor Collada is a very
distinguished archaeologist.

But off the record, he's also some sort
of a Casanova. Seems he's irresistible

to some women. That's him there.

Doesn't look irresistible to me.

Room service.

Come in. The door is not locked.

Ah, a woman. Just what I need.

Now, just a minute.

To help me unpack.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

I'm only allowed to do room service.

I'm the original helpless male.

Observe this scene of primal chaos.

Yeah, it's a bit of a mess.

Here.

What's all that for?

A tip, of course, but if you could see a
way to lending a hand.

Oh, all right, but not a word to anyone.

Of course not.

I'll pour us a drink. Oh, no, you won't.
Very well, I'll pour myself a drink.

Are you interested in archaeology? Yes.
I don't know much about it. I'm going to

be a doctor.

Are you now?

Thank you. You seem surprised.

I confess I am. Cheers.

Bummer job.

Going to medical school in October.

Really? Yes. Is that all right?

Well, very ship -shape indeed.

Here.

Thank you, sir.

You're a remarkably attractive girl.

And you're a very accomplished
flatterer. I am indeed.

Perhaps we should have dinner together
and compare notes.

We poor skivvies aren't allowed to dine
with the guests.

Pity.

How can we meet again?

Send down for something.

I'll have to bring it up, won't I?

Splendid idea.

Um, that poster of yours in the lobby?

Yes. What does it mean?

It means that the fool and his money are
soon parted.

If you want to know how.

Be in the lobby at about ten this
evening.

Hmm.

Irish filigree brooch.

Late 12th century.

Almost certainly from Connemara.

Must be part of the Templeton Horde. Am
I right?

I happily guess.

Oh, well.

Thank you. Thank you.

It's Chinese, I'm sure.

Yes.

It's a Tang shirt on glazed pottery. Am
I right? Oh, yes, yes, yes. I'm afraid

not, Professor Kelada.

It is prehistoric Greek.

Greek?

Made from Yellow River clay?

Very well.

I'll pay you, but as you know, I have
the right to submit the object to an

appropriate authority, and if he or she
supports my judgment...

You will then have to decide whether to
return my money, but by then, whatever

you decide, you will be an object of
ridicule, Professor Daxatides.

Possibly I have made an error. I brought
several pieces.

Let me see.

Greek.

Yes, of course.

This is the Chinese and not the Greek
shirt.

Thank you.

So sorry, Professor.

So sorry, Professor. This is mine.

Oh.

Thank you.

Very sinuous.

Classic example.

That's all very well, but what is it?

It's an amulet.

Amerindian.

Mid -12th century.

Probably from Arizona.

Right? Well, I never thought you'd guess
that.

I was with my daddy when he found it.

Oh, Professor Dalton of Veracruz.

Oh, and you must be Angela Dalton. Do
you believe it? That's right.

And there goes my fun money. Well, a
girl's fun money is a serious matter.

Come here, stand here beside me, and
we'll see if we can think up some

consolation prize.

Is everything all right, Miss Dalton?

And so we should never forget, when
challenged by historians, that the

may, and were frequently intended to,
tell lies.

But the artifacts are themselves
crystallized proof.

Very good.

Hello, Mrs.

Cranley. How nice to see you.

Hello, Jeff.

Lizzie, what are you doing here? I
thought I'd better come home and check

you. What?

I'm teasing. We missed you.

Both of us. But you're not due back till
tomorrow.

Right. Off I go. No, no, no, no, no.

Uh -huh. Well, at least you'll be a
happy man.

Boy, the bag. Thank you. Let me hold
her.

Telephone call for Professor Smith.

Professor Smith to reception, please.

Now, Jasper, whatever's the matter?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just so great to have you both
back.

I'm always afraid when you go to the
States that you'll stay there.

Why would I do that?

Because I'm such a dumbo.

You're so artistic and educated and from
New England, and I'm from Beatrice,

Nebraska. Jasper, you're not a dumbo.
Maybe you're not an intellectual, but I

had enough of those in college. I wasn't
very impressed with their human

qualities. You're the kindest, strongest
man I ever met.

And I wouldn't have anyone else for a
husband.

Now, come on.

It is time to put up the poster of the
voodoo man.

What?

That's Professor Max Collada.

You'd better be careful if you bump into
him.

I trust you'll have a dervish with me.
The most civilized of all cocktails.

I can't.

That's why I ordered two, please.

Oh, all right. I've had a hell of a day.
Very good. Sit down.

Only for two minutes?

Of course.

May I know your name?

Ellie. Ellie Somerton.

Cheers, Ellie Somerton.

Cheers. I say, I was very impressed.

Really? What by?

Your amazing performance.

Oh, well. You know, identifying those
things in the lobby.

How can you possibly know so much? Well,
I have a most capacious brain.

Can any archaeologist do that? Certainly
not. If they could, they would.

I'm a television star in five countries,
and I make three times as much that way

as I do by being a professor.

I'm not surprised.

You won every single time.

I don't often lose. Still, you mustn't
think I'm just a showman. I'm also the

world's leading authority on the pre
-Columbian era.

Some of those objects were very
beautiful.

That little statue, Etruscan, was it?

Hmm.

That was rather delicate.

Of course.

Aesthetic considerations are secondary
to an archaeologist.

Wait.

I have something here that might
interest you.

It's lovely.

What is it?

Well, it's unique.

I found that figure in myself in Central
America.

It has certain Mayan features, but is
not closely related to any known Mayan

artifact. So it might represent a lost
civilization.

Really? Yeah. I see. It's a little awe
-inspiring, isn't it?

Well, I'd like you to have it.

You're joking.

Not at all.

Lovely things belong to those who
appreciate them. It must be really old

valuable. About 900 years old.

Its value is...

But it'll always remind you of me.

I see. No, no, please, please. I find
you tremendously attractive, but the

figurine is yours with no strings
attached.

After all, there are quite a few, how
shall I put it, willing dames in the

hotel. Yes.

And I should warn you, Mr Cranley's
noticed what you get up to with them.

very cross about it.

I dare say.

Well, Puritans spend half their lives in
a rage.

About the figurine, I ask only one
thing.

What's that?

Don't ever sell it. I'm bestowing upon
you an object of beauty, not an

investment.

Do you promise?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

With a wonderful present.

Cranley, go for a walk. Yes. Mrs.
Cranley.

Mrs. Cranley, hello.

Hello. I'm Max Gelada.

I know.

Your husband has been awaiting your
return with scarcely concealed desire.

see why.

Yes. Well, we just got back from the
States. Oh, what a lovely little girl.

Nearly as attractive as her mother.

Oh, it's clear that motherhood suits
you. Some women find it to be an almost

erotic... Is that how it strikes you?

Well, I... I don't really know. I would
imagine you were a woman with strong

erotic feelings.

I've noticed that physical beauty and
voluptuous nature often go together.

I have to walk Hannah now. Of course.
But I trust we'll have an opportunity to

probe these mysteries further sometime.
I doubt it. Goodbye.

Please. No.

Crowley, I'd like to order a bottle of
champagne. What for, Professor? To

celebrate your wife's return. I just
made her acquaintance, and I'd be

if you'd both join me at the cocktail
hour. I'm sorry to have to say this,

Professor, but I do not feel happy for
my wife to be in your presence. What?

I have explained to her how I feel, and
she understands.

Crowley, I have no design on your wife.

Why not?

She's female.

Professor Gulotta, I have a great
respect for your learning. Thank you.

have to tell you that my wife has an
interest in archaeology. Does she? Yes.

a student, she went on some digs. Oh.
But after some of the things I've seen,

sir. What exactly have you seen,
Cranley?

Just one example, sir.

Yesterday afternoon, as I happened to be
inspecting the air conditioner in room

16, through the open door, I saw
Professor Roday's wife leave your room.

know that she's French, sir. Well, as it
happens, Professor Roday has a bad

heart and can't leave. love. Do you
expect his wife to live like a nun?

She came to my room of her own free
will, and her husband knows that she

from the Senate. Too sophisticated for
me, Professor.

All I know is that if you lay a hand on
my wife, I'll hit you on the jaw.

Oh, you Puritans do love hitting people,
don't you? No. I try to avoid violence.

Grandly. Why don't you trust your wife?

What? What's that supposed to mean?
Well, you're apparently terrified of my

meeting her again.

Not terrified.

I just don't want her to have to repulse
insulting and unwanted advances.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Professor, I
have to phone through an order.

Certainly.

What do you have to order?

A horse whip?

Come in. The door is not locked.

Where shall I put it?

On the table, please.

Where's the sandwich?

What sandwich?

I ordered a smocked salmon sandwich.

I wasn't told. I'll go and get you one.
Oh, no, no, it's not important. I'll

tell you what.

In the wardrobe on the shelf, there's a
packet of chocolate chip cookies. Get

them down from me, please.

What happened?

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

You told me my statuette was unique.

I know.

It was a lie.

You mean it was all nonsense about the
Mayan features and... No, no, that was

quite accurate. It had certain Mayan
attributes. I can swear to that because

designed it myself.

You said it was 900 years old.

Slight exaggeration.

It's actually nine years old. Made for
me by an old Peruvian friend who lives

the Andes. Very skillful carver.

These four...

are the last of an original batch of
100.

100?

What nerve do you want with 100?

Well, since you and I seem destined to
have only a platonic relationship, I

might as well come clean.

I give them to girls.

Yes, I'd got that far.

Not to all girls, mind you. Only special
ones.

Only the ones I might have married, if I
were the marrying type.

Do you give them to the girls before or
after you've worked your wicked will on

them? Always after. Of course after.

It's a keepsake, a parting gift, a
memento, a pledge that perhaps, I don't

know where, I don't know when, we might
meet and do it again.

That's very moving.

But you gave me mine before.

I know.

Sheer waste, especially when stocks are
getting so low.

But I felt...

You know, that it might... Soften me up?

Put bluntly, yes. You are a despicable
rogue.

Suppose I am, really.

But an ingenious one.

And statuettes may be fakes, but they
are attractive.

A bit like me, perhaps.

Not in the least like you.

A little bit.

Well, perhaps a tiny bit.

Ellie, you are rubbishing when you
laugh. Now, don't start that.

I know you're just a con man.

You are. You can't...

Possibly think I'd succumb. Knowing what
I'd do.

Apologize and tell her that I'm
attending to it myself.

Yes, thank you.

Jeff, number 19's just been on to me
about her rose hip tee. Says she's been

waiting nearly half an hour.

Uh, 19.

That would be Ellie's number. She seems
to have got stuck somewhere. Stuck?

Yeah, she took some teeth in number 15
tonight. 15?

Yeah, that's right. That would be... I
know just who it would be. Leave it with

me, Jeff.

Yeah, but if I could get hold of another
girl... Huh?

Professor, it's Jasper Cranley, the
assistant manager of the hotel. I'd like

word with you, please, sir.

Oh, not him, not him, not him.

I have reason to believe that you have
Ellie Somerton with you, sir.

Really?

What reason?

Don't play games with me, Professor.

No, it doesn't matter.

You're right, Mr.

Cranley.

I am here.

This is very sad, Miss Somerton,
especially after my warning. If you felt

were in any danger, all you had to do
was come to me. Don't be silly, Mr.

Cranley. I'm not in any danger.

And as for you, Professor, I shall have
to report you to your superiors.

I have no superiors, and I'm breaking no
law. So if that's all you have to say,

kindly leave us alone. You may not be
breaking any law, Professor, but you're

sure as hell busting our house rules
wide open. So I'd like you to check out

noon tomorrow.

That's not fair, Professor Collage.
That's enough out of you. You're fired.

I'm entitled to a week's pay in lieu of
notice. Oh, you get it. You get it.

You think that's funny? You think that's
funny? Then try this.

You'll get out of my hotel by midnight.

What an extraordinary fellow.

He is worse than the Russians.

They at least send you a girl, even if
they try to blackmail you afterwards.

Oh, Cranny's so stuffy. Oh, God.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

You've been fired.

Well, you'll have to accept something
now.

Oh, no, honestly, I'm all right. I
promise you this.

No matter how great my need, I'll never
sell my unique mindset.

First century AD, Roman Egyptians, but
not a particularly distinguished

Am I right?

Yes. Thank you.

All right, Mr. Know -All, how about this
little number?

Where did you get this?

Is this from... Never mind where I got
it. Do you know what it is?

I know exactly what it is.

It's a fake.

Are you sure, Professor?

I'm not only sure, I can prove it.

Can you now?

Well, that's very interesting to me,
considering that my wife dug it up for

herself.

What? Yes.

When she was a student and went on some
archaeological digs.

That statue has been sitting on our
aunt's table ever since we got married.

Would you like to up the stakes a little
bit on this one, Professor?

Shall we say $500?

Did you say your wife dug this up?

Yes. Come on, Lizzie.

Don't be frightened.

Tell this wise guy where you got this
thing.

Come on, darling. Tell him what this is.

It's Central American. It shows Mayan
influence. It's about 900 years old.

There. You still think it's a fake,
Professor?

Let me see.

Did you find it six years ago at
Yucatan?

Yes. I remember.

That is, I remember reading about that
excavation.

Well, let me see.

Oh, I was wrong.

It's genuine.

Well, win a lot, lose a few. Here's your
$100, Granady.

Thank you, Professor.

No man is infallible.

Thank you, darling.

Now come along, we've made our point.

Well, this is a well -preserved item. A
belt buckle, I believe.

Second century Roman.