All language subtitles for 2018 - Enthusiastic Sinners

35 -16, go ahead, Control.

Copy that, 76 Monument Road, I'm Code

2, 35 -16 out.

Excuse me, ma 'am. What?

Oh.

Sorry, what can I do for you?

We got a report of what sounded like
gunshots coming from this residence.

Really?

Yeah.

Is there a problem?

No. Other than the fact that I had an
idiot son, everything's fine.

Look, this is going to sound stupid, but
here it is.

I was upstairs and I heard what I
thought were gunshots coming from down

come running down and I see my idiot son
and his idiot friends pounding on some

bullets with a hammer.

You're kidding me.

No, did you ever hear of anything so
dumb? No.

That's the first.

Lucky they didn't kill themselves.

You're telling me.

I wanted to strangle everyone a little
faster.

Is your son here now?

No. When I saw what they were doing, I
went and did a screaming fit and told

them to get out of my house.

They all took off on their bikes
somewhere.

They're probably at the Woodley place
down the road.

Your gun's in the house, I take it.

I have a gun, but I keep it locked up so
I can avoid situations like this.

I didn't lock up the ammunition because
I didn't think I had to. I figured, you

know, how dangerous can a bullet be if
they don't have a gun to put it in?

So it's fucking me.

Now I have to idiot -proof the
ammunition.

Which completely defeats the purpose for
having a gun for home defense.

If someone broke in, I'd be raped.

Damn, I'm bludgeoned before I can even
get my key in one of those trigger

Well, all right. If that's all it is,
I'll be on my way. And I know I keep

calling my son an idiot, but I'm just
exaggerating. He's a smart kid.

Just does really stupid shit sometimes.

And I guess I could take him to a
shrink.

And they could give him some fancy name
for it, like autism or Asperger's or

ADHD.

I guess I could pump him full of
Ritalin.

Turn him into some brain -dead zombie.

You know, when all is said and done, I'd
rather have a kid that is a pain in the

ass, but has some personality, instead
of some mindless robot.

Who might even do something like that
just to make my life a little easier?

That's the mark of a weakling.

Can't handle the shit life deals out.

I understand. You know, I had two of my
own. The thing is, his father died last

year of cancer, and...

I know that's affected him.

Not to mention what it's done to me.

My head is like a pinball machine 24
hours a day.

My brother tried to set me up on a date
last week.

I don't even know how to date anymore.

Half the time I think I never want to
see a penis again and the other half I'm

so horny I could hump a doorknob.

Guess I went a little far on that one,
huh?

A little bit.

Don't worry about it.

I just wish things were easier.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm part of the problem.

Maybe I'm making things harder than they
have to be.

Maybe I should stop punishing myself for
past mistakes by denying me what would

make me happy right now.

Maybe that's just the thing.

Exist for the right now.

What do you think about that?

Not the voice in the mood, but... Do you
have any condoms?

No. But if I had to protect me, does
that work?

Definitely.

Any disease things we need to work
around?

No. You?

No. It's me.

Oh no, that's out of the way.

Fuck, if I meant that.

Oh, you feel good.

No good?

You taste good.

You want the bedroom? No, I need room to
do my thing.

If you want to start, I want to finish
before you start.

Four? What?

What? I just want to take a mental
snapshot.

You're fucking beautiful.

Four?

Do you want top or bottom?

Top. Okay. Okay?

Yeah, I'm good with either.

Kiss me.

Faster, slower.

No, just keep doing what you're doing.

Okay, okay.

Easy, slower.

Okay, now just stop and just leave your
hand there.

Everything's back in focus.

Yeah.

By the way, Shelby.

Ruth.

That's a good group you got there.

Thanks.

Here's one of those.

Squeezy thingies.

I don't know what the technical name for
it is.

Actually, I think squeezy thingy is the
technical name for it.

Wiseass.

Apologies about the quick finish, by the
way.

There's something that turned out on the
wall.

Well, at least you were gentlemanly
enough not to just roll over and go to

sleep.

I'll make it up to you in round two.

Oh, round two, Mr. Big Talker.

You think you got round two in you?

If you give me some recharge time, I do.

Do we have to worry about your son
coming home?

Oh, no. He knows to stay away for a bit
after one of my rampages.

We've got a couple of hours at least.

Do we need to worry about you calling
him to work?

Actually, yeah. We do need to worry
about that.

I guess I could call and sit on my
radio.

I mean, better if you didn't want me to
stay.

I won't take it personal if you don't. I
mean, do you want to stay?

I don't know.

It's your place. I don't want to wear
out my welcome.

All right.

No more wishy -washy stuff.

From now on, total honesty, though.

Yeah. I want you to stay. Yeah, I want
to stay, too.

Okay, good.

That's settled.

All right.

Now I just need to get up.

That's what I want to do right now.

No, I'm not.

I think you done drained all the
strength from my legs, Shelby.

All right.

I'm gonna get up this time. For real.

Here we go.

I'll be right back.

I'll be waiting.

Hi, Dears, it's Shelby.

Hi, uh, does Josh happen to be over
there?

Okay, uh, good. Um, look, I've got kind
of a big favor to ask. I had a little

bit of a meltdown with him earlier.

I could really use the night to myself.

Uh, would it be okay if he stayed over
with you tonight?

Yeah, I'll call you in the morning
before I come pick him up.

Okay.

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

And I just called my friend, and she's
going to let my friend stay over. So my

night's free, and you can stay as long
as you want.

Okay.

Sounds great.

Good.

So we've dealt with my kid's situation
and your work situation.

Just leaves one more situation left.

You want to talk?

I'm going to fix the problem.

Perfect.

Just like that, huh? Just like that.

As long as you're on these premises, you
belong to me.

So, what do you want to do now?

Uh, I got a trail that goes out to
Abbott Pond. Wanna go for a hike?

Alright.

Alright.

Alright?

Come on, where's the enthusiasm?

Nature hike, woo!

Get back.

You're a little weird.

Only a little?

I must be slipping.

Normally I reside somewhere between a
high 7 .8, low 8 .3 on the weirdness

scale.

I just don't bump up to an 8 .4 when I'm
in a really rowdy mood.

You're a little weird. You talk a lot.
Yeah, well, you barely talk at all,

Hey, you can piss out.

You think so?

I do.

What?

Nothing. It's just, after seeing you
naked, it seems like a shame to come

to that body of clothes.

Shut up.

Is that a blush I see on Miss Shelby?

Oh.

It's about the role in our conversation.

Well, don't feel too bad.

Most people have the small talk before
the mind -blowing sex, so... You do it

reverse, it's bound to be a little bit
awkward.

I guess.

I don't want to doubt my body contact.

Words to live by.

Good night.

I know, right?

Come on.

I want to show you something.

So we had a beaver problem a while back.

They were a total pain in the ass, but
look how precise their work was.

Come down, look.

Alright.

Look, every tooth mark is like a perfect
little hatchet strike.

Think about how much time and patience
it would take to bring down a whole tree

bite by bite.

Yeah.

Come on, I want to show you something
else.

Okay, so this is something I do with my
son.

Close your eyes.

Alright, now don't answer right away.

Take a couple moments and clear your
mind.

And then tell me how many different
sounds you can hear.

Okay.

Alright, here we go.

The wind blowing through the leaves.

A bird.

A wire lapping against the shore.

Different bird.

Some kids playing at our house across
the pond.

Airplane in the distance.

That's good.

That sticks right off the top of your
head.

It's good to clear your mind and just
focus every once in a while.

I like to hope this one big loud jumble
of noise.

Close your eyes again.

So have you always wanted to be a cop?

Hell no.

Up until a few years ago, I was a
musician.

Really? What instrument?

I played guitar in a classic country
cover band called Whiskey River.

What made you quit?

It wasn't any one big tragic event. It
was just too many years of good, but not

good enough.

Looking back, I don't know if it was...

A lack of talent, a lack of luck.

I always heard you made your own luck.

You know who says that?

Lucky people.

Trust me, from what I've seen in my own
life and in my current job, bad luck is

a living, breathing animal.

If it gets its hooks in you, it can hold
on for years if it chooses to.

I guess.

So, classic country, is that like Garth
Brooks?

What? Fuck Garth Brooks.

While we're at it, fuck Tim McGraw.

And fuck Faith Hill, too.

I'm talking Willie, Waylon, Johnny, Don
Williams, Tom T. Hall.

Not this pop music with a country twang
shit that they make today.

No, country music used to be about the
working class and what the working class

really was.

You know, alcoholism, adultery,
distracting yourself from small -town

with destructive habits.

And now it's just about what the working
class wants to see themselves as.

You know, I love my wife, and I want to
sit on my porch with her and support the

troops and read the Bible and watch Old
Glory wave in the breeze. Fuck that.

Taylor Swift is good, right?

You're lucky you're cute.

I really kind of am.

So, what do you do, Shelby?

Well, gee, Bruce, thanks for asking.

Sorry.

My small talk skills are kind of rough,
so what do you do, Shelby?

Well, gee, Bruce, thanks for asking.

I work at Pendleton Plastics.

How do you like that?

Well, I don't hate it, which at this
stage in the game is kind of an

accomplishment. But there's a sort of
poetry in any job if you look for it.

Poetry in a factory job?

Sure. Like the mom who works four
overtime shifts to buy her kid an Xbox.

Or the fat old guy who plays nothing but
love songs on his radio. What's his

deal? Is he...

Hiding for a long -lost love, or is he
waiting for a love that may never come?

I don't know.

My old man did that blue -collar work
for years, and he never got any poetry

of it. Just a bad back, and bad knees,
and a bad disposition.

Well, it's a matter of perspective.

I'll tell you, many times in life,
perspective has saved me from the

consequences.

What?

What happened?

What's the matter?

A bug flew in my mouth.

You should swallow it. That's extra
protein.

I could feel its wings on my tongue.

See, that's what you get. That's the
country God's punishing you for your

taste in music.

Here, kiss it.

Like a bug breath.

So, what is the first thing we do when
we get back to the Nathan Head?

Celebrate our daring pioneer spirit.

No. Take a step.

Ah.

So, they usually jump on your pant leg
and work their way up, so start there.

I'm going to check my neck.

They can hide anywhere. Once I found one
of the little walkers in my ear.

Nasty. Yeah, tell me about it.

I thought I had a scab.

And so I went to go and pick it, and it
was one of those little fuckers. I had

to take, like, an hour -long shower just
to get the skeeve off. But not before I

smashed the little fucker with a phone
book. Stop using the word little. What?

You're saying the word little too much.
You're using one certain adjective.

Oh, yeah? Well, here's another one for
you.

Stupid. That's you.

Funny.

Oh,

wait, there's a tick. Where? There.

Oh!

There's another one.

No, there is not another one.

What the hell was that?

My karate chop pose.

That's what that is?

It's really intimidating.

You know it.

You want something to drink?

Nah. A beer?

I want to play Truth or Dare.

Oh, fun.

I dare you to strip down naked and go
out on your deck.

That's not the way it works.

You have to follow proper protocol.

You say truth or dare, I choose, and you
give me a challenge that corresponds to

that decision. Oh, God, all right.

Truth or dare?

Dare.

I dare you to strip down naked and go
out on your deck.

See, that wasn't so hard, was it? Harder
than it had to be.

Impressed? Definitely.

Okay, your turn.

What? No.

I can't take part in public nudity. I'm
a duly appointed officer of the law.

It sounds to me like you're a duly
appointed officer of chicken shit. Oh,

this how we're doing it now? Yeah,
that's how it is.

Alright, I guess I can't sit here and
let my character be slandered.

Now look up.

How's it feel?

Very free.

Back to nature.

Is this your first time with outdoor
nudity?

Yep.

Ever?

Yep.

I need to stay for the moment.

Hold on.

Help me lay this out.

to my chest.

Gotcha.

He's pumped.

What gets you going like that?

Kind of weird.

Well, now I have to know.

Have you ever kissed someone and then
they start to laugh right in the middle

it? Like when your lips are still
pressed together?

Yeah, I guess.

For some reason, when that happens,
they...

It sends this vibration from my mouth
right to my crotch.

What? Well, this I've got to see for
myself.

Okay.

I'm going to kiss you, and when I do, I
want you to tickle me right here.

Oh, my God, you're getting hard.

I told you.

Oh, you're so odd.

Quiet.

If I was a poet, I'd write a sonnet for
the magazine.

Ah!

Nice!

Like this.

That's more like it.

Maybe like this.

Uh -huh.

That's enough.

I don't know about you, but I need to
hydrate.

I'm not behind you.

Don't stay out too long. I don't want
your junk to get sunburned.

Shit.

I never thought about that.

Having fun?

Understatement of the century.

You ready for an odd compliment?

Hit me.

You have the deckiest cum face I've ever
seen.

Really?

I try not to think about it while I'm
fucking.

I'm worried about looking goofy and get
self -conscious.

The lack of self -consciousness is what
makes it so hot.

That's why most porn does nothing for
me. Most porn stars are so intent on

looking flawlessly beautiful that they
won't let their faces contort in any

They're typically gorgeous.

And an orgasm face is not that.

So what, you like the gritty, scrunched
facial muscles?

I love it.

Are you still in the total honesty zone?
Absolutely.

I'd like to stick around a little longer
if that's cool with you.

It's 100 % cool.

Don't use the W word.

I don't want reality intruding on my
fantasy time.

Okay.

I'll need to calm my carpet.

Better word for us.

If I say I work overtime, it's because
I'm in a full night.

I'll take you as long as I can get you.

Do it then.

I'll order us some food. I don't want to
chase you away with my subpar cooking.

Sex skills are more important than
cooking skills.

Oh, my sexual ego. Thank you.

What? Nothing, Squinty McSquinto.

Don't mock my handicap.

Did you have these things called
glasses?

Yeah, I have them. They make me look
dorky. No, this makes you look dorky.

Don't call your person.

To your ethereal beauty.

Oh, ain't you just sweeter than a honey
cup of chocolate?

All right, ready, set, go!

Boom!

Beat ya. Sing, baby.

Damn it! Damn it, no!

Whoa. No!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not a good loser, in case you hadn't
noticed. Yeah, I just did.

But you don't get to quit the race
before the finish line.

Right. Get that bad boy up. Okay.

Come on.

Cannonball it.

Cannonball. Cannonball.

Nice.

Oh. Oh. Are you going to? Do you need
it?

No. I have to try to swallow the foam
and get it back up the pipe.

All right.

You good?

Better.

Do it again.

God, no.

Next challenge.

The bestest piece of strength.

Karma. No. No way in hell that's
happening.

Oh, come on. Why not?

Because I got no upside. If I win, I
beat a chick. Big deal. But if I lose, I

lose to a chick. And then my fragile
male ego is shattered.

No upside.

Oh, do I smell chicken shit?

Oh, I definitely smell the chicken shit.
You think calling me chicken shit is

going to work twice in one day?

No.

All right, let's go.

Ready?

I can't wait.

Set. Go.

Oh, it's going down.

Am I though?

Am I?

No, no, no.

It looks like a comeback.

Ooh, what's going on? The CIA got you
pushing too many pencils?

Down she goes.

Boom.

Shit.

I mean, it's tough for a girl, though.

Yeah, you are.

But that's like saying you're smart for
an amphibian, so... Ooh, two -fingered

pick one.

I can't have both? No, you're not one of
these both.

Ugh, I need a manicure.

Have you won?

No. No.

Why not? And no again.

No, come on, I've given boyfriends
manicures before.

One of them even let me paint his face
with makeup. Yeah, wear those guys now.

And if I know. They wear their second
dick in a bus stop men's room.

Oh!

That is entirely possible.

So next, we have the grand cosmic
questions of the

universe.

How it works is, I ask you a question,
then you ask me a question, then me,

you, me, creating a volley, not like a
verbal tennis match. Okay.

Okay. The questions can be either deep
and profound or light and casual.

An example of the latter, what is your
favorite Beatles song?

Oh, fuck the Beatles.

I mean, fuck the Beatles. I mean, fuck
the Beatles. I'm not saying they suck,

I'm just saying they're overrated.

Okay. Any band that you like was
influenced by the Beatles. I'm not

about influence. I'm talking about the
actual music.

You can break their career in two
halves, all right? The first half, they

writing candy -ass love songs for
teenage girls to scream to, which

makes them the 1950s equivalent to
Justin Bieber or the Backstreet Boys.

Jesus. And then the second half, they
spent stoned out of their minds doing

hippy -dippy drug music.

That is the era where they did their
most profound work. Oh, bullshit. Yeah,

right.

Talking about kaleidoscopes, guys and
girls with marmalade eyes.

Other way around. Whichever. Just real
fucking profound, okay? Plus, then they

added all that Indian string shit and
sitar in. Rock and roll is about guitar.

Plain and simple.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong,
wrong. Right, right, right, right,

Which brings me to my question as we're
talking about the guitar.

When are we going to get a Van Halen
reunion with the four original members?

Right? After two decades, we finally get
Roth back, and then they fire Michael

Anthony so Eddie can jam his idiot son
into the lineup?

You know what I'm really holding out
for? I'm really holding out for the

with their third singer. Who is that
dopey guy? No, what? The extreme guy.

Hey, do not disrespect the greatness of
Gary Cherone.

Oh, yeah, name one good song from the
Gary Cherone era. Don't dare me. If I

wasn't afraid of boring you, I could sit
here and rattle off every song titled

Van Halen 3, much to my eternal chagrin.
Ooh, eternal chagrin. Good word choice.

All right, going back to the Beatles.

You know what I feel really sorry for?

John Lennon.

Way to go out on a limb there. Feeling
sorry for the guy that got gunned down

the street. No, no, no, no. I mean,
like, in terms of, like, historical

significance.

Because, like, when you look back at
their stuff, like, his stuff was the

that, like, and, like, his stuff was the
McCartney stuff. His stuff is the stuff

that really dated. You're saying one
word again, over and over.

His stuff.

is the stuff that really dated the most.

Like, when you look at McCartney's
stuff, it's about stuff that's always

to be there, like love and regret.

50 years from now, some trucker is going
to put yesterday on his iPod 27 and

just cry like a baby.

When you listen to Lemon, you know,
imagine, you kind of want to go, oh,

sweet. Well, please run along and play.
The adults are talking. That is exactly

what I was trying to say five minutes
ago.

No, you said they suck.

No, I didn't. I said they were
overrated. Okay, well, overrated is

than dated.

Dated doesn't have the same negative
connotations.

All right, who's turn is it? It's your
turn.

Go. Quick.

When you were a kid, okay, when you were
a kid, did you ever have the nickname

Fruit Goot Brew?

Yes. Really?

No. Ask a dumb question, get a sarcastic
answer.

My turn. What about Luke Caboose? What
about my turn?

All right.

Why do midgets hate being called
midgets?

Huh?

They prefer a little person? That's so
condescending. Oh, little person.

That's terrible. And dwarf, that makes
me feel like a cartoon.

But midget is a strong word.

Isn't it? Two syllables.

Short.

Strong. It's like, it sounds like
hatchet.

Midget. Hatchet.

Small. But lethal.

Right?

Tell me I'm wrong. It's a stronger
sounding word.

Okay, my safe answer to that is just
call them little people and don't ever

that in mixed and judgmental company.

Whatever. It's a good word.

You should enjoy it.

Own it.

Next topic.

Men in urinals.

Oh.

Two of my favorite topics.

Two -part question.

First, is it true that you have to keep
a one -buffer urinal between you

and the guy next to you?

And, part two, if that's true, are you
really afraid about him looking at your

junk?

No.

Okay, there's an unspoken rule.

That if there's a wall full of empty
urinals, you don't go sidling up to the

other guy there. That's fucking weird.

But if you're at a concert or something,
like a crowded event, like a football

game, like, all that shit goes out the
window. You have guys crossing streams

the same stall, pissing in the sink,
whatever.

What? It's not like... It's just another
drain. It's not like your fingers touch

the drain when you're washing your
hands. Yeah, but what about droplets of

glass? That's gotta get all over the
faucet and the knob.

Well, urine is sterile anyway.

And they say you could drink it if you
were stranded on a desert island.

Who? Who says that?

They.

Scientists and shit.

Oh, they, they.

Yes, they.

Okay.

All this talk of urine has my bladder in
the red alert zone.

I shall return.

Thanks for the warning.

Always the wise ass, never the wiser.

My mother used to say that...

Is that it?

I felt like there was going to be more
to that sentence.

Guess not.

Miss Shelby.

Mr. Bruce.

Did you turn the water on so I wouldn't
hear you pee?

Shut up. I was trying to be demure and
ladylike.

Well, I will pay you the same favor,
only you can switch gentlemanly and

for demure and ladylike. I'm done. I'm
done.

Can I hold your gun?

That's not a toy.

No, I know. I told you. I have one of my
own. I did all the basic safety

courses. What kind of gun do you have?

38.

Evolver?

Yep.

You ever shot an automatic?

No. What's the difference?

More of a kick to it.

Plus, the cocking slide makes for a
pretty badass, funky way for the cool

-liners. Yeah.

Example?

All right.

You ain't seen bad yet, son.

But it's coming.

Can I try?

Yeah. This one gets set up quick.

Off that gal girl.

Okay.

Um... Hey, scumbag, here comes a special
delivery.

Um, thanks.

Um...

Hey, scumbag, here comes a lead sandwich
special delivery.

There it is. Ooh.

How's that? That was a good start.

Can I do it again? Yeah, let's build on
that.

No, no, no, just tell me.

Okay, so right there, that button is the
clip release. Do that first, carefully.

I know.

And then fill it alive around in the
chamber. If you want to slide that back

let it pop out.

And then I just slide the clip back in?

Yep. Okay.

What you doing?

Got another piece of equipment I want
you to try. Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

No.

You gotta sit for it.

Okay.

Yeah?

Have you worried about that?

You think you need to be worried?

Good, because you don't.

I told you how beautiful you are in the
last five minutes.

You're slipping.

around you.

Just keep going.

Seriously? Yeah, seriously.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on a second. Why?

There's a problem, and I want to see if
I can fix it easily.

If it's a fuse or something, I can fix
it really quick.

You're such a guy.

Wow, what an insult.

I want to be able to look...

A little streaked out.

Oh, there's a flashlight by the
microwave on the counter.

I get it myself, but I'm a little tied
up at the moment.

Master jokes. Ow. Are you okay? Yeah.

Don't. Stupid chair.

It is.

Sorry. It's okay.

I needed new retinas anyway.

Uncuff me. I'll do that with some
candles.

Okay.

What? Uh, nothing.

I just came to find the keys.

Tell me you're kidding.

I wish I was.

Um, I just hope... No.

You just hope what?

I just hope I didn't lose them in the
woods when we were hiking.

Okay, starting to stress here.

Don't worry.

They almost have to be in this room
somewhere. You know, this is where I

Dressed and undressed and all this.
They're probably just fill out. Let me

Hey, uh, growing up, did you ever have
the nickname, uh, Orange Juice Bruce?

No. Did you ever have the nickname
Shelby?

Yeah, what?

Come on.

I got nothing. Yeah, that's one of the
benefits of being named Shelby. Nothing

rhymes with it.

Oh. Of course, in high school, there was
a girl named Allison Dombrowski, and

she came up with Shelby, Shelby, you can
go to fucking Helby.

That's creative.

No, it's not creative, it's mean.

I mean, I got off easier than a lot of
girls.

There was this one fat girl named
Michelle Clark, and Allison nailed her

the nickname Moby Clark, so everywhere
she went, she would yell, Hark, hark,

Moby Clark.

Crowded cafeterias, sidewalks,
everywhere.

And then there was this girl named Ellen
Zabriskie.

She had terrible personal hygiene. She
had greasy hair and bad acne, and

nailed her with Zit Zabriskie.

So you just had to feel terrible for
both of them, both her and Moby Clark.

I wonder what happened to Allison. I
wonder if she, like, mellowed out as she

got older or if she just turned into a
giant mega bitch. Hey, Chief?

Yeah? You're babbling.

Yeah, I know.

I'm just trying to hold off the anxiety
attack that I see right there on the

horizon. Are you really going to freak
out?

No. No, why would I freak out? I am just
handcuffed to a chair, 90 % naked, with

a man I just met.

And the man carries a high -caliber
firearm.

Why would I be freaking out?

How you doing with those keys there?

Oh, Captain, my Captain?

I actually found them a while ago.

Oh, hmm.

I want to install you, but I'm going to
wait until I get loose.

Strategy.

Hold still.

Oh.

My butt in your face.

Hilarious. It's been so long since I've
been able to use that one.

Think about it. How often do you get
asked for a match these days?

Getting a match is just giggling doofus.

You just don't appreciate fine,
sophisticated humor.

Yeah, what if I heard some?

I'm gonna hit the bathroom real quick.

When was the last time you played
checkers by candlelight?

Oh, around 2013.

Good.

I'll get to kick someone else's butt for
a change. It's usually my son kicking

mine.

Okay.

Okay, I'll go first.

Um, speaking of my son, you were a
little boy once, right?

Long time ago.

So... Let me ask you something. That
whole thing with the pounding bolts with

the hammer earlier, is that something I
need to be worried about?

What is it, like school shooter and
training shit?

Yeah, something like that. No.

That's just little boy shit.

When I was a kid, me and my friends put
an M80 in a coffee can.

The idea being that it would shoot it
straight up in the air, 50 feet, like a

rocket. No.

Instead, it blew completely apart, like
a fragmentation grenade.

Sent all these flying pieces of shrapnel
everywhere.

Lucky it didn't cut us in half.

Okay, I know you mean well, but you're
not exactly making me feel better here.

I'm just saying that little boys are
stupid.

And God tends to have pity on the
stupid.

But as long as we're going back to
things from earlier, you said your

set you up on a date?

Yeah. How'd that go?

Bad, I take it.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't like any big
disaster or anything.

It was just 40 minutes of small talk. It
ended with a loose -armed hug.

Yeah, got a couple of those.

There was this one thing, though.

He would do this thing where he would
chew with his mouth closed, but he

wouldn't fully swallow every bite before
he would shovel the next bite in.

So there was always this chewed piece of
food.

in his mouth like there's only following
part of it it was a petty thing to

focus on but it drove me nuts no no it's
the little things they can really suck

sometimes i once dated this girl and
before we went out she just painted her

nails but she left all this excess
polish like all over her cuticles and

fingers it looked like when my four
-year -old does it and for the whole

i'm just glancing at her fingers
thinking does she even know how bad that

or does she know and just not care like
What is that?

Where'd you meet that winner?

Internet dating.

How else do people meet each other
nowadays?

What?

I just have a hard time picturing you
computer dating.

Why?

I'm a modern 21st century man.

I'll tell you what, though. It totally
destroyed that whole men are more

than women cliche.

Oh, bullshit.

Bull true.

Men are shallow about looks and weight.
Women are shallow about looks, weight,

height, and income.

So you date a woman taller than you?
Yeah, for sure. If she was hot enough,

sure.

Have you ever seen those Amazon chicks
that play for the Olympic volleyball

team? Any one of them would fuck you in
half. Yeah, I know. But what a proud and

noble way to go.

You said you have a four -year -old?

Is that your only kid?

No. I have a three -year -old, too.

Hence the depectomy.

Both girls?

One of each.

What are their names?

Come on.

A couple of hours ago, I had your balls
in my mouth. You don't get to play the

too personal card.

It's not that it's too personal.

I just don't like talking about it with
anyone.

For some reason, I always feel like I
have to say how

great everything is going when I usually
don't feel that way. I

usually feel like a fraud who has no

idea what he's doing.

We all feel that way sometimes.

Yeah, but with me it's not sometimes.

I don't know.

It's hard to admit it.

She never worries.

And I worry so much to the point that I
never get to enjoy the process.

I honestly can't remember the last time
I felt happy about it all.

It's like the way I'm supposed to feel
and the way I actually

feel are two very separate things.

She'll show me a cute picture or video
of the kids.

And I know the reaction that she wants.

And I give it to her.

But I'm totally faking it.

And then I feel like shit because I'm
faking it.

I guess I always feel like shit about
some aspect of it.

Makes me sound like an asshole, doesn't
it?

No No, it makes you sound like someone
who had a hole in their life who filled

it with what they thought they should Or
with what someone expected them to

Yeah, that is kind of it I guess

I still think it makes me less of a man
in

some way

We all like to think that we're these
perfect angels of virtue, but really

we're just flawed train wrecks barely
keeping it together.

I know when my husband was dying, at the
end when things

were at their worst, I wasn't there for
him as much as I should have been.

There were some days that I just
couldn't handle it.

I wonder what he must have thought on
those days when I just didn't show up.

How much that must have hurt even though
he never showed it.

Well, it's family.

We fuck up.

We forget each other.

We fuck up again.

Yeah.

It's not an easy trip to live with.

Well, of course, I never met the guy,
but with him getting to marry you,

start a family with you,

And wake up every morning to you.

I bet he probably died a pretty happy
and satisfied man.

I know.

What?

Kiss break.

But then... Then you remember we only
have a few hours until daylight and

reality hits us in the face?

Yeah.

Back to perspective.

A few hours can be a lifetime if we use
it right.

For example...

No, no, no.

Just the feeling.

Thank you.

Are we done?

Mm -hmm How

soon do you have to leave?

So?

Yeah.

What do you see happening after you go
down that driveway?

Total honesty.

I see you picking up your son.

And I see me going back to my family.
And I see the both of us going back to

normal, boring routines and our normal,
boring problems. And if at some point I

should run into you in town, then smile
at you.

If I'm by myself and if I'm with my
wife, then I'll avoid eye contact.

And both of us will hold on to our time
together as this treasured secret that

we used to get us through the sad times.

So you want to happen?

I don't know. What I wanted to go on
feeling the way I felt for the last 24

hours.

I'm not going to be able to talk you
into this, am I?

No.

Not right now, anyway.

All right, then.

Stay with me.

And that means exactly what you think it
does.

That's a tempting offer, but there's no
way I can do that.

Sure you can.

I'm not drunk and I'm not crazy.

Yeah, that's exactly what someone drunk
or crazy might say.

Let's take a leap of faith that we're
both good people.

I don't wanna take advantage.

The only thing you'd be taking advantage
of is my moment of clarity.

Hey, Judith, it's me.

Uh, yeah, um, I just wanted to let you
know that I'm going to be over to pick

Josh in about an hour.

Yeah, um, we can get everyone together
tonight. Sure.

Yeah, pizza and a movie sound good?

Okay, um, yeah, I'll give Donna a call,
too.

Okay, um, hmm?

Uh, yeah.

Thanks. It was really good.

The best night I've had in a while.

Okay.

I'll see you in a bit.