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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,380 --> 00:00:04,080 Okay, Marianne gave me strict instructions on what to do while she's 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:08,340 Before the show, coffee, black, two sugars, and a warm, supportive smile. 3 00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:12,980 You know, it kind of went downhill after the coffee. 4 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,560 How do I look? And don't say great unless you mean great. 5 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,220 Oh, go ahead, just say great. 6 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,060 Sybil, don't be nervous. 7 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:22,860 You've been a guest in the show for two weeks. 8 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:24,840 They love you or they never would have made you co -host. 9 00:00:25,060 --> 00:00:26,060 I guess. 10 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,340 Darling, you will shine like a stab. 11 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:32,980 Shine like a stab? 12 00:00:33,460 --> 00:00:34,860 That's either stab or stain. 13 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,400 Ira, it's star. 14 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:40,580 How can a person shine like a stain? 15 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:44,680 Well, when does Marianne get back from Paris? Because I dread having to say 16 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,040 you're as radiant as a freshly oiled cabana boy. 17 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:49,920 Oh, that's sweet. 18 00:00:50,220 --> 00:00:51,300 There she is. 19 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,640 There's my cute as a button co -host. 20 00:00:54,380 --> 00:00:57,860 Now listen, if anything should go wrong out there, like you forget what you want 21 00:00:57,860 --> 00:01:01,420 to say and you start to babble and inside you're just wondering if there's 22 00:01:01,420 --> 00:01:03,920 a little something hanging from your nose, don't you worry. 23 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,600 We'll just stop and do another take. 24 00:01:07,380 --> 00:01:08,520 Oh, wait. 25 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,180 We can't. We're live. 26 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:13,160 See you out there. 27 00:01:15,020 --> 00:01:16,640 That's your co -host? Whoa. 28 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,100 She's got a real Tanya Harding thing going on there. 29 00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:23,700 Well, she's been doing this show alone for three years, and then they suddenly 30 00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:27,340 bring me on as co -host. You know, she's got to be a little shaken up. I need to 31 00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:28,340 be really sensitive. 32 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:30,360 Glad I'm not her, huh? 33 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:37,080 Loving one who loves you, and then taking that bow. 34 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,360 Nice work if you can get it, and if you get it. 35 00:01:50,830 --> 00:01:52,510 is a very special day for us. 36 00:01:52,970 --> 00:01:59,030 After three years of hosting this show all by myself, it is a pleasure to give 37 00:01:59,030 --> 00:02:03,470 an opportunity to someone who, though new to the talk show game, has been 38 00:02:03,470 --> 00:02:07,690 knocking around this business for many, many, many years. 39 00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:11,590 This could get ugly. Hope you're wearing a cup. 40 00:02:13,310 --> 00:02:16,690 Oh, Ira, I can handle her. I mean, what's she gonna do to me? 41 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,260 Except the old super glue my butt to the chair trick. 42 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,380 Help me get this off. 43 00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:29,440 So let's bring her on out here. 44 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:33,800 Supermodel, actress, and yes, my new older sister. 45 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,880 Help me welcome my new co -host, Sybil Sheridan. 46 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:46,240 Hi, Sybil, how are you? Well, hi, Sybil. I was going to say have a seat, but I 47 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:47,240 see you've already got one. 48 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:50,800 This is my new invention. 49 00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:52,340 I want to share with the folks at home. 50 00:02:52,860 --> 00:02:56,840 Are you tired of forever standing in a bank line, a ticket line, or a 51 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,020 supermarket checkout line? 52 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,400 Well, take a load off with my new butt buddy. 53 00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:06,800 Well, we've got to take a break, but don't go away. 54 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,900 Yeah, when we come back, we'll play Let's Guess Julie's Real Hair Color. 55 00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:25,820 You cut a hole in the middle, and your old shower curtain is now a beautiful 56 00:03:25,820 --> 00:03:26,820 -weather poncho. 57 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:32,160 And you can use the leftover material as a rain hat. 58 00:03:37,620 --> 00:03:39,420 No way you're going to wear that in public. 59 00:03:39,940 --> 00:03:40,940 Yes, I would. 60 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,420 Fifty bucks says you won't walk out of here right now with that thing on. 61 00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:47,340 It's not raining. Okay. 62 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,890 What do we do with the old shower curtain rings? 63 00:03:52,210 --> 00:03:55,970 Well, we can spray paint them, glue on a spray -painted walnut, and we have 64 00:03:55,970 --> 00:03:57,890 festive napkin ring holders. 65 00:03:59,410 --> 00:04:02,810 These are great at a party, Sybil. They're wonderful conversation starters. 66 00:04:03,130 --> 00:04:04,130 What kind of conversation? 67 00:04:04,450 --> 00:04:05,890 Does your napkin smell as bad as mine? 68 00:04:07,930 --> 00:04:11,850 Okay, well, looks like we're all out of time today. But join us tomorrow, won't 69 00:04:11,850 --> 00:04:15,610 you? Yes, when Julie's going to show us all how to make an entire summer 70 00:04:15,610 --> 00:04:17,250 wardrobe out of old baloney. 71 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,220 You use these napkin ring holders, and I've never, ever had a guest leave my 72 00:04:28,220 --> 00:04:31,680 table. Well, maybe that's because they were glued to their chairs. 73 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:34,660 Where's my Bloody Mary? 74 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,640 God knows I don't ask for much. 75 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:43,180 You were fabulous, darling. You were as brilliant as a thousand subs. 76 00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:47,480 Thuns. A thousand thuns. 77 00:04:48,860 --> 00:04:51,960 So, I caught the last segment. You were great. The audience really likes how you 78 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:52,960 two go at each other. 79 00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:54,620 Oh, yeah. 80 00:04:55,270 --> 00:04:57,390 That Julie's going to make my life a living hell. 81 00:04:57,750 --> 00:05:01,410 Every day I walk into this job, it's going to be like walking into a lion's 82 00:05:01,410 --> 00:05:03,710 with a wounded antelope as a hat. 83 00:05:07,590 --> 00:05:08,910 Charlie Addison. 84 00:05:09,590 --> 00:05:10,590 Sybil Sheridan. 85 00:05:11,490 --> 00:05:13,770 Amazing, you actually got a job using your real name. 86 00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:15,770 Zoe, this is Charlie Addison. 87 00:05:16,290 --> 00:05:19,770 Remember when I told you women are from Venus and men are from hell? 88 00:05:22,630 --> 00:05:23,630 He's wise. 89 00:05:25,340 --> 00:05:28,340 Always nice to meet another sordid episode in my mother's past. 90 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,220 Charlie's a producer. He's considered the king of film garbage. 91 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:38,680 Look, the script said you run out of the house naked. If you had a problem with 92 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,120 the script, you shouldn't have taken the job. 93 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,040 Well, when I read the script, I was a heroic woman who saved her family from a 94 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:47,400 tornado. I didn't know I was supposed to have my clothes blown off. 95 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:51,080 I talked to the director, didn't I? You were never totally nude. 96 00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:52,500 You're right. 97 00:05:53,260 --> 00:05:56,300 Somehow my bra blew off, but my hat stayed on. 98 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:02,420 I am so sorry. I had no idea there was bad blood between you two. Otherwise, I 99 00:06:02,420 --> 00:06:04,600 never would have recommended Charlie as our new producer. 100 00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:06,080 Anyway, you two talk. 101 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:12,560 Producer? 102 00:06:13,860 --> 00:06:18,140 What's past is past, Thibault. What do you say we start all over, clean slate 103 00:06:18,140 --> 00:06:19,140 and all that? 104 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:20,160 Come on. 105 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:21,320 It'll be fun. 106 00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:29,520 So? He wants to bury the hatchet. So do I. In his head. 107 00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,320 But he said it would be fun. That's good, right? 108 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,560 Zoe, this is Hollywood. 109 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,360 And you'll notice that the first two letters of fun are F and U. 110 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,020 Marianne, I have a jealous co -host and a hateful producer. 111 00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:49,800 I can't believe you ran off to Paris without leaving me the keys to your 112 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:50,800 drawer. 113 00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:54,460 Well, if it's any consolation, I miss you terribly. 114 00:06:55,219 --> 00:06:56,260 Okay, let's try it again. 115 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,400 It's just not the same without you. 116 00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:04,900 Can I say hi? 117 00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:06,260 Sure. Here's Zoe. 118 00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:08,480 Come back, Marianne. 119 00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:11,660 Mom's doing that thing she does whenever you're not around. You know, where she 120 00:07:11,660 --> 00:07:13,120 squints and pretends I'm you. 121 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:18,420 I have to listen and be supportive, and I don't have a house to go home to like 122 00:07:18,420 --> 00:07:19,420 you do. 123 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,340 Zoe, how many times do I have to tell you? 124 00:07:22,830 --> 00:07:26,590 Just order her a slice of mud pie and she won't speak for 30 minutes. 125 00:07:28,290 --> 00:07:29,290 Give me that. 126 00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:33,890 Okay, honey, well, have fun. And bring me back something from France. 127 00:07:34,930 --> 00:07:37,190 Bring me that ice skater that won the bronze medal. 128 00:07:39,090 --> 00:07:40,090 Bye. 129 00:07:41,050 --> 00:07:42,990 So, sweetheart, what you doing after lunch? 130 00:07:43,670 --> 00:07:47,510 Because, I mean, you're almost 21. It's high time you learned how to snip those 131 00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:49,030 brake lines on Julie's car. 132 00:07:50,540 --> 00:07:54,560 I'd love to, but I'm working. I have another job dressing up as a giant 133 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,080 to play piano for a six -year -old birthday party. 134 00:07:58,580 --> 00:08:01,880 Tell me something. When was the first time in your career when you actually 135 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,360 a job you weren't embarrassed by? 136 00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:07,240 Listen, any job can lead to another job. You just have to hang in there. 137 00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:09,820 Something will come along that you can feel proud of. 138 00:08:10,380 --> 00:08:14,460 She's right. I was a busboy before I achieved all of this. 139 00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:19,960 I caught you on television this morning. I see it's the Julie Ann Sybil show 140 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,640 now. Why, yes, it is. 141 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:27,220 Maybe now, when I give you an 8x10 photo of myself, you won't write on it. Love 142 00:08:27,220 --> 00:08:28,700 and kisses, Shelley Hack. 143 00:08:30,020 --> 00:08:33,539 I do not like that. I drew the continuous eyebrow. That is all. 144 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:38,480 Oh, no. 145 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:42,820 What are you doing? 146 00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:44,100 Our statement. 147 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:45,740 toward him like he's a giant orange? 148 00:08:46,820 --> 00:08:47,980 No, not yet. 149 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,580 Damn, that class was a complete rip -off. 150 00:08:52,300 --> 00:08:53,780 Sybil. Charlie. 151 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:58,600 This is my daughter, Leah. Hi, Leah. I'm Sybil. This is my daughter, Zoe. Hi. 152 00:08:58,640 --> 00:08:59,640 Hi. 153 00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:00,860 Well, okay. 154 00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:03,320 That was a good conversation. Nobody lost a limb. 155 00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,380 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we did good. 156 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:06,880 So we should stop now. 157 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,820 Right. Right. Mm -hmm. Right now. Right now. 158 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:11,940 Dad, who is that woman? 159 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:16,300 Oh, honey, she's the co -host of the new show I started working on. And you hate 160 00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:16,919 her already? 161 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,880 No, no, no, no. You can't hate somebody after one day. 162 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,460 I've hated her for years. 163 00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:28,740 And he is a self -important gas bag with the personality of a paint chip. 164 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:30,980 What happened anyway? 165 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:36,140 Ah, I produced a movie that she starred in and it involved a nude theme. 166 00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:39,260 Which kept getting neuter and neuter after a cast. 167 00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:42,340 Which she could have backed out of any time. 168 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,840 And lost my paycheck, which was important to me. 169 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,560 Of course, we had to reshoot the entire scene because when the tornado blew her 170 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:52,220 skirt off, she had written, how am I driving, across her butt. 171 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,140 I have to admit, that was pretty damn funny. Yes. 172 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:05,120 Yes, it was. But you wound up losing your job after all. Well, that's because 173 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,940 you fired me. I had no choice. The director insisted. 174 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,400 Oh, poor little baby. 175 00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:14,320 Big bad director made him do what he didn't want to do. I can't talk to you. 176 00:10:14,860 --> 00:10:15,860 Lucky me. 177 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:18,680 Did you sleep with her? 178 00:10:19,260 --> 00:10:21,280 No. Really? You didn't? 179 00:10:28,270 --> 00:10:29,270 I have a rule. 180 00:10:29,350 --> 00:10:32,310 I never sleep with someone I'm working with and hate. 181 00:10:33,690 --> 00:10:34,830 Why are you asking? 182 00:10:35,290 --> 00:10:37,930 Because you're obviously attracted to him. 183 00:10:39,230 --> 00:10:40,410 Go to your room. 184 00:10:45,110 --> 00:10:49,790 So you see, with Dr. Stephen Drew, door -to -door dentist, you no longer have an 185 00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:51,410 excuse to put off that teeth cleaning. 186 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,120 So, Dr. Drew, you say you come equipped with everything you need. You've got the 187 00:10:55,120 --> 00:11:00,340 drill, you've got the little drool bib, ooh, and a lot of little sharp, scary 188 00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:01,340 pointy things. 189 00:11:04,660 --> 00:11:06,560 What's that, Sybil? You want Dr. 190 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,500 Drew to yank that molar right here? 191 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,040 No! 192 00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:13,800 What should we do, tie her down or something? 193 00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:16,240 No, no, no, we don't have to do that. 194 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,600 We have some gas right here to take care of her pain. 195 00:11:21,090 --> 00:11:24,450 You know, some patients get so happy, they drill their own teeth. 196 00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:27,150 But today we'll just do a cleaning. 197 00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:31,110 So, Dr. Drew, when did you first know you wanted to be a dentist? 198 00:11:32,490 --> 00:11:34,830 Actually, I didn't want to be a dentist. I wanted to be an actor. 199 00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:38,390 But my mother wanted me to have something to fall back on. 200 00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,850 So, now I'm a dentist. 201 00:11:41,290 --> 00:11:42,690 But I could have been a star. 202 00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:46,310 But no, no, that wasn't good enough for my mother. 203 00:11:46,810 --> 00:11:48,110 God, I hate that woman. 204 00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:50,610 Open up, mummy. 205 00:11:54,410 --> 00:11:56,910 Security! It's time to say goodbye to Dr. Drew. 206 00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,870 To be or not to be. 207 00:11:59,550 --> 00:12:04,290 Is this a dagger I see before me? A handle torn by... Okay, 208 00:12:06,450 --> 00:12:09,890 on our next segment, we'll be demonstrating scuba gear, and with any 209 00:12:09,890 --> 00:12:10,890 will demonstrate drowning. 210 00:12:12,430 --> 00:12:13,650 Okay, so don't go away. 211 00:12:14,270 --> 00:12:15,270 We're clear. 212 00:12:23,470 --> 00:12:25,710 I'm sorry, Sybil. He was a last -minute replacement. 213 00:12:25,990 --> 00:12:26,589 For who? 214 00:12:26,590 --> 00:12:27,850 A drunk guy with a machete? 215 00:12:28,370 --> 00:12:31,370 It was Julie's idea. We checked him out as best we could. Checked him out at 216 00:12:31,370 --> 00:12:32,370 where, Bellevue? 217 00:12:32,390 --> 00:12:33,970 You know, you've always had such an attitude. 218 00:12:34,490 --> 00:12:35,490 Attitude schmatitude. 219 00:12:35,670 --> 00:12:38,670 No, right there. That's it. Right there. That. Oh, yeah? You want to keep this 220 00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,270 finger? You better get it out of my face. This finger was here first. 221 00:12:41,490 --> 00:12:42,490 Oh, yeah. 222 00:12:47,090 --> 00:12:49,610 Hey, at least we understand each other. Yeah. 223 00:13:07,819 --> 00:13:08,819 Welcome back. 224 00:13:09,020 --> 00:13:13,620 We're here with Troy Lang, who designed his own line of fashion scuba diving 225 00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:17,220 equipment. That's right, Julie, because you want to look your best when a great 226 00:13:17,220 --> 00:13:19,760 white shark starts chowing down on your caboose. 227 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,620 What gave you the idea for fashion dive wear? 228 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,900 Well, I was snorkeling, and the fish looked cool. 229 00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:34,620 So, like, I thought the fish should be able to look at cool stuff, too. 230 00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:41,280 Okay, Sybil, why don't you demonstrate how to breathe through the mouthpiece? 231 00:13:41,340 --> 00:13:46,060 Because, as we all know here on the show, you are good at talking with your 232 00:13:46,060 --> 00:13:46,859 mouth full. 233 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:47,839 Oh, yeah? 234 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,140 Now try. 235 00:13:49,710 --> 00:13:54,530 Shouldn't we mention that if divers rise to the surface too fast, they could get 236 00:13:54,530 --> 00:13:58,330 nitrogen bubbles in their blood, causing brain damage or even death? 237 00:14:02,650 --> 00:14:05,130 Sybil, do you find something funny about people dying? 238 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:09,950 Oh, no. No, I'm so sorry. I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong with me. 239 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:10,950 can't stop laughing. 240 00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,390 see the humor and the possibility of tragic death. 241 00:14:16,810 --> 00:14:18,910 Is it me or is she being insensitive? 242 00:14:19,790 --> 00:14:22,430 So before laughing, think about world hunger. 243 00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:30,410 What is wrong with you people? This isn't funny. 244 00:14:34,890 --> 00:14:36,930 I'm fine. I'll play too. Give me a hit of that. 245 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:50,960 You didn't have to bring me home. 246 00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,820 The gas is totally worn off. 247 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:56,200 Are you sure? Because I got a little concerned when you started braiding 248 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,860 hair and singing We Are the World. 249 00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:02,600 Listen, I hope you don't think I had anything to do with Julie switching 250 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,580 tanks. Are you bleeding from anywhere? 251 00:15:05,420 --> 00:15:08,140 No. Well, then obviously I didn't think that. 252 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:13,260 And we probably should talk about that little incident that took place between 253 00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:14,260 us this afternoon. 254 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:15,400 Uh -huh. 255 00:15:15,420 --> 00:15:16,420 There's no uh. 256 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:21,500 And if you want to avoid any other little incidents, then just don't kiss 257 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,160 Oh, I kissed you. 258 00:15:24,780 --> 00:15:29,160 Right. Well, let's recap. We were arguing. I was winning. So to shut me 259 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:33,020 put your mouth where the words come out. I'm sorry. I'm a professional, Sybil. 260 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,420 You could be standing in front of me naked. I would not have noticed. 261 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,700 Oh, yeah, like you weren't taking a good long look when that tornado was peeling 262 00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:39,700 me. 263 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,620 Somebody had to catch your clothes. 264 00:15:43,780 --> 00:15:45,960 Ugh, you're so full of lip. 265 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:49,360 You said lip. 266 00:15:49,940 --> 00:15:51,460 I did not. Did two. 267 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:52,760 Did not. Did two. 268 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:53,960 Did tongue. Two. 269 00:15:54,140 --> 00:15:55,140 Not. 270 00:15:56,180 --> 00:15:59,400 Mother! The most amazing thing just happened to me. 271 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,160 What is it, Barbie? 272 00:16:02,980 --> 00:16:07,580 Did you suddenly realize that you are an impossible ideal for girls to aspire to 273 00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:09,040 and finally take yourself off the market? 274 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:13,320 She's just a doll, Mother. Besides, how could she possibly be an ideal when she 275 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,340 doesn't even have nipples? 276 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:21,000 Well, I wish I had a dime for every time I had that exact same conversation with 277 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,000 my own daughter. 278 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,420 Oh, I'm sorry, honey. What was your news? 279 00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:28,440 Well, remember when you told me to hang in there, that eventually a good job 280 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:29,219 would come along? 281 00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:32,860 Well, I was sitting there playing piano at this birthday party, praying that the 282 00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:35,860 hamster everyone was looking for was not the movement I was feeling in my shoe. 283 00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:37,880 Well, guess who walked up to me? 284 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:39,720 Mel Gibson in a kilt. 285 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,560 No, Mother, this is my story. 286 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:46,040 Anyway, it was the director of the L .A. Conservatory of Music, and he said he 287 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,060 loved the way I played! 288 00:16:48,820 --> 00:16:49,820 It's wonderful! 289 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,360 Can you believe it? You're going to the conservatory! No! No! 290 00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:54,660 No! Oh. 291 00:16:55,140 --> 00:17:00,020 But, but, the director said he wants me to play piano at his daughter's birthday 292 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,380 party, which means between the food fight and the time when the first kid 293 00:17:03,380 --> 00:17:07,339 up, I can work in a little Brahms for his listening and possibly admitting me 294 00:17:07,339 --> 00:17:08,480 the conservatory pleasure. 295 00:17:09,230 --> 00:17:12,130 Oh, honey, that is shameless self -promotion. 296 00:17:13,329 --> 00:17:14,510 I'm so proud of you. 297 00:17:15,950 --> 00:17:18,930 Well, I just remembered that time that you rear -ended Mike Nichols on the 298 00:17:18,930 --> 00:17:22,190 freeway. You performed the entire script as a graduate while the paramedics were 299 00:17:22,190 --> 00:17:23,190 setting his leg. 300 00:17:23,930 --> 00:17:24,930 That was brilliant. 301 00:17:26,470 --> 00:17:28,270 Who does he cast in Silkwood? 302 00:17:30,379 --> 00:17:34,260 Share. Okay, well, I guess I'll be going now. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm the 303 00:17:34,260 --> 00:17:37,360 one that barged in just as you were about to kiss my mother. 304 00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:38,740 Ah, see? 305 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,500 No, that doesn't count. I mean, she's your daughter. Of course she'd take your 306 00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:45,380 side. Oh, please. This is a fluke. We hardly ever get along. 307 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,220 It's so important for you to be right. 308 00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:51,360 You win. 309 00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:53,300 Excuse me? 310 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,300 You kiss me and I win? I don't think so. 311 00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,350 You win and I lose. 312 00:17:58,890 --> 00:17:59,890 See you at work. 313 00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:02,350 Winner. 314 00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:06,230 Now let's just get this straight. I am a loser. Big loser! 315 00:18:28,970 --> 00:18:29,970 You hate me, don't you? 316 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:32,850 Why? Because you stuck my butt to a chair? 317 00:18:33,670 --> 00:18:35,650 Or because you humiliated me with laughing gas? 318 00:18:36,230 --> 00:18:40,250 Or because you snuck into my dressing room and put X -flax in my M &M? 319 00:18:41,550 --> 00:18:45,290 I did not do that. Oh, come on, Julie. They were hand -carved and spray 320 00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:46,290 -painted. 321 00:18:46,610 --> 00:18:50,070 I'm so sorry, but it's my sister's fault. 322 00:18:50,610 --> 00:18:54,030 When I was young, she used to torment me, and she was more popular, and her 323 00:18:54,030 --> 00:18:55,030 was Sybil. 324 00:18:56,630 --> 00:18:57,630 Get out of here. 325 00:18:58,169 --> 00:19:03,650 Okay, I don't have a sister, but... We have to make this show work and our 326 00:19:03,650 --> 00:19:06,830 relationship work, and there are only three ways to do that. I'm not quitting. 327 00:19:06,990 --> 00:19:07,990 Okay, two ways. 328 00:19:09,110 --> 00:19:10,150 I'm not dropping dead. 329 00:19:10,630 --> 00:19:16,570 One way. We have to be friends, which means I really have to try. 330 00:19:17,550 --> 00:19:18,970 So will you be patient with me? 331 00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:21,910 Sure. And forgive me? 332 00:19:22,930 --> 00:19:23,930 Yeah. 333 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,090 And not make fun of my arts and crafts anymore? 334 00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:28,440 No can do, Jules. 335 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,960 Okay, it's fun. The audience seems to like it. She doesn't really mean it. 336 00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:39,980 Sybil, I am so lucky to have you as my partner because you 337 00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:41,760 are truly a good person. 338 00:19:42,980 --> 00:19:43,980 I'm sorry. 339 00:19:49,140 --> 00:19:51,120 Marianne, cancel the attack. Repeat. 340 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:52,520 Cancel the attack. 341 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,160 Darling, don't be ridiculous. 342 00:19:55,920 --> 00:20:01,320 The woman is bitter and obsessed, driven by resentment to commit violence and 343 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,960 mayhem against anyone she perceives to have crossed her. 344 00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:05,840 I can't wait to meet her. 345 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:12,740 But Julie is really vulnerable now, and if she drinks that stuff you ordered and 346 00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:15,660 loses control of her neck on the air, I'll just be the one to be blamed. 347 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,040 So call off your goon. 348 00:20:19,180 --> 00:20:20,960 I'm sorry, revenge technicians. 349 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,080 Just do not have them put that stuff in her tea. 350 00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:29,760 No, she doesn't drink coffee. I drink coffee. 351 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:32,320 And 352 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:39,320 so, Mrs. 353 00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:44,040 Mary Scott of Anaheim saw our segment yesterday where Sybil baked her famous 354 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:48,560 banana cream pie and was so inspired, she baked one and brought it along to 355 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:50,840 Doesn't it look delicious? 356 00:20:51,780 --> 00:20:53,060 Aren't you going to have some, Sybil? 357 00:21:03,050 --> 00:21:04,430 I have no idea. 358 00:21:05,010 --> 00:21:08,670 Maybe during the break I'll have Julie make her a neck brace out of Dixie cups. 359 00:21:09,550 --> 00:21:11,670 Oh, come on, Sybil, just one bite. 29864

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