All language subtitles for cybill_s04e09_how_to_get_a_head_in_show_business

Don't you worry about me, Governor.

I know there's an homicidal maniac loose
on the streets of London, but what

would he want with a defenseless woman
all alone on such a dark night?

Evening, your ladyship.

Well, a young pip like yourself
shouldn't be out in the middle of the

Where's your mum?

She's dead.

I strangled her with me yo -yo.

That was Sybil Sheridan in the
deliriously awful horror classic Oliver

Twisted. Now it's time for you, our
viewers, to pick which of this year's

nominees for stupidest death scene will
take home the gold and stinky.

Will Sybil Sheridan and Oliver the
Twisted win for an unprecedented fifth

straight year?

Call in your vote now.

Every year I tell myself, I'm not going
to let this get to me.

I mean, this is the gold and stinky
award.

Stupid person's idea of a stupid award.

If I don't win again, I'll just die.

And pulse.

Right finger.

Dial.

And remember, nobody stinks like Sybil
Sheridan.

Why stinky?

And it's so unfair.

She gets kidnapped by a pack of giant
vampire kangaroos and then thrown into a

volcano.

What's stupid about that?

Your scene was much stupider, Sybil.

Really?

It was asinine. Low point in your
career.

In anybody's career.

Then why didn't I get the stinky this
time?

I mean, I know it's not much, but it's
the only award I've ever won.

And from across the room, after a couple
of martinis, it sort of looks like a

Tony.

Mother, most actresses don't even have
one stinking.

I mean, think about poor Meryl Streep.
Does anyone ever offer her the

embarrassing parts that you've played?

No.

Because everyone knows she couldn't
possibly stink as much as you do.

Thank you.

Now I have to go practice for my
conservatory audition.

You know, just in case this stinky thing
is hereditary.

No, really, you can stop now. Mommy
feels better.

Is she practicing around the clock like
she did for her last audition?

More. She's really putting the pressure
on herself this time to get in.

And she won't talk about it.

She's just like me. I'm afraid if I open
up, I'm being weak.

That's because of my father.

Stop crying, Ira, or I'll give you
something to cry about.

All I wanted was a puppy.

I'm going to try to talk to her again.

Honey, would you like a puppy?

Thank you.

Sybil, I just spoke to the Hollywood
Chamber of Commerce about getting you a

star on Hollywood Boulevard.

Marianne, that is the sweetest thing
you've ever done for me. But get this.

Apparently, somebody has already applied
to get you a star.

I hold in my hand.

the name and number of the president of
the Sybil Sheridan International Fan

Club.

Fan club?

Marianne, do you know what this means?

Absolutely. Somebody has finally
recognized your many talents.

Really? Because I was thinking there
must be another Sybil Sheridan, but

way better.

Where's Zoe?

Her audition was two hours ago.

How can you just sit there?

Because I don't pace, Ira.

I don't need some weird little
compulsive ritual to help me cope with

Oh, no.

I ate the icing side first.

Now this whole bag is no good.

Honey, your mother and I were worried
about you.

I just stopped off to get some coffee.

Did it go okay? How'd you play?

It went okay. I'll know in a week.

No wonder she avoids us.

Okay.

From now on, when I'm talking, you be
quiet.

And when I'm quiet, well, we'll cross
that bridge when we get to it.

Julia, come in.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Oh, Zoe. Is she upset?

Upset? Well, I had to stay to see
another one of my students play, so we

get a chance to talk, but...

I mean, whoa, I know how I'd feel.

The girl who auditioned ahead of her
played the same piece, and she really

nailed it.

Zoe was good, but, I mean, she tried,
but... Well, I mean, nobody laughed or

anything, but... I mean, ouch.

Ouch?

Julia? Could you come up here for a
minute?

She wants to talk.

She's opening up. You've broken through.

Oh, Ira, we have a portal into the Zoe
dimension.

Go, reach out to her. Hurry.

Wait!

While you're up there, find out how she
feels about men and careers and love.

president of my fan club. I don't know
how to act.

Sybil, she doesn't know that. That's why
she's a fan.

Let's sit down before I start to think
about what you just said.

Your fan is here.

suggested that we name your favorite
dish after you. So, from now on, when

see someone scooping mayonnaise out of a
bowl with their fingers, you'll know

they ordered the Sybil Sheridan.

Hi, I'm Sybil Sheridan. Sybil Sheridan,
I'm Minnie Arbogast. It is such an honor

to meet you.

I thought you'd get kind of a kick out
of that.

Remember, that's from zombie vacation.

You know, when you beat that guy to
death with his own arm and then used it

back scratcher.

That was my idea, to use the arm as a
back scratcher. It wasn't in the script.

knew it. I knew it. You just settled a
bet. I owe myself five bucks.

Let me take that.

You touched this hand.

I will never wash it again.

Oh, this is my friend, Marianne Thorpe.
Hello.

Up until now.

Well, great. You could join the fan
club, maybe.

How could I possibly refuse?

Tell me. How?

I didn't even know I had a fan club.

Who's in it? Well, just people like
Marianne and me.

In fact, just Marianne and me, but... I
got big plans.

I'm marketing a Sybil Sheridan doll
based on your character from Debutantes

Hell. The head spins around, and if you
squeeze its little tummy, it spits pea

soup.

Or mustard, if you're entertaining.

Look at this.

These are priceless mementos from your
life in film, which I was

hoping you could autograph and Marianne
could bring to the next meeting of the

fan club.

By the way, it's your turn to have it at
your house next.

Sorry, but you might have trouble
finding my house.

Because it's on Earth.

Whoa.

It's my severed thumb from Romeo and
Juliet.

Oh!

Oh, and look, it's my severed tongue
from Shut Up, Little Susie.

Congratulations. On what?

On being in the wax museum in London.

Madame Tussauds.

Impossible.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sybil, but that's like
saying Lincoln Center will be honoring

cast of Hee Haw.

You are so out of my fan club.

Am I really a Madame Tussauds? I was
there.

There's an entire exhibit on Oliver the
Twisted in their chamber of horrors.

There's not actually a plaque with your
name on it, but everyone knows it's you.

This is so cool.

I'm immortalized in wax.

I mean, if you're going to get
recognized for a crappy performance,

much better than a golden stinky.

Crappy.

Well, yeah.

I mean...

movie paid the bills and all, but I
mean, let's face it, it's just crap.

People only watch it as a joke.

So I'm a joke.

I didn't... I didn't mean you.

No, but I know what you meant.

You're all like, I'm a serious actress
now.

Like I didn't go through this with Jamie
Lee Curtis.

She does Trading Places and suddenly,
boom, she's too good for Swamp Thing 2.

Here's five years of my life.

I can only hope that Linda Blair will
take me back.

Great.

No fan club.

No star on Hollywood Boulevard.

And no stinky.

You don't need any of that.

No matter what else. happens in your
career, you'll always be standing in

Cousseau's with thousands of people
passing you everyday saying, who the

that?

I don't know.

Something tells me that I'm not in that
museum.

What?

Me.

Ah!

She took your head off of your body?

What do you call that?

Theft? Beheading?

Wax evasion?

This time, just sip.

Okay, goodbye.

Marianne, there was a missing head
department at Madame Tussauds.

They know my head was stolen, but they
don't care.

They already replaced me.

They fired my head!

It's my Sybil Dream head.

She has a big date tonight with G .I.
Joe head.

And she groovy.

Why don't they want my head, Marianne?

This is my one chance to be
immortalized.

Sybil, listen to me.

If that lunatic can get your head out of
the museum without being caught, then

by God, these lunatics can get it back
in.

You're right.

Hear that?

You can go home again.

Zoe, what do you mean you're giving up
the piano?

There's still a chance you can get into
the conservatory.

You don't get accepted when you're
playing Chopin and suddenly the only

you can remember is the first three bars
of Glow Worms.

Okay, a little bump in the road. So, you
don't get in, you'll try again in six

months. That's what I did when they
didn't accept me the first time.

I wasted six months.

What wasted? You learned glowworm.

Didn't you always tell me to trust my
instincts and follow my heart?

Yes, but this isn't your heart.

Your heart's in that piano, Zoe.

It has been since you were a little
girl.

Julia's on the faculty. Maybe she can
get you another audition.

Dad, will you just give it up, please?

Zoe, I'm sorry.

I'm your father. You leave me no choice.

Sybil!

You asked for this.

Well, it's not like I'm not... doing
anything. I got a job.

What job?

As an office assistant.

So we... Well, it's a great opportunity.
It's a position with the L .A.

Philharmonic.

My baby's gonna be playing piano with
the Philharmonic!

I'm not the only one going, ah!

Your job is an office assistant, Sybil.

Which you're only taking until you get
into the conservatory, right?

I'm not getting into the conservatory.
I've accepted that. Can't you?

No, I can't.

You waited this your whole life, and now
you're just making an easy choice.

You're doing it again.

Step off. We're going to be late.

And I figured out how we can sneak your
head back into the museum.

It's just you, me, and a little vaccine.

Oh, Marianne, that'll never work.

You know how people are always touching
babies?

And look at me.

Look how cute I look.

I'll just explain to everyone that you
bite.

Well, it's true.

You guys cannot be serious. What you're
doing is totally insane.

What?

You know, honey, this whole piano thing,
you should really do what you want to

do. Sybil?

It's her life, Ira.

Well, thank you, Mother.

Thank you very much.

Wonderful.

You're in a hurry so you just blow off
your daughter's future?

I am not.

She had too much talent to settle for a
desk job, and you know it. Of course

she's talented. She's just not crazy.

Like you were when you gave up your law
practice to become a writer.

And like me when... Pick a time.

I think I'll just go outside and put the
baby in the trunk.

Oh, little silly head.

Mama never put you in the trunk.

Ira, Zoe wants to be a performer. She's
just got to be a little crazy. I mean,

that's what drives me to go on stage and
in front of the camera.

How could she not be crazy? I mean, look
at us.

She just doesn't see herself that way.

Then talk to her.

Oh, yeah, like she's going to believe me
if I tell her she's crazy.

But if Julia told her... Where's the
phone?

Ask her to find out what that 50 -pound
sack of snake food is doing in Zoe's

room.

Welcome to the Chamber of Horrors.
Everyone stay together. This way,

Yes, come along.

Gather round.

Right.

from the Spanish Inquisition, which we
like to call the pain in Spain.

I laugh every time.

Now, step this way, please.

This is Oliver the Twisted, from the
unique cinematic genre referred to in

America as schlock.

on into the next room.

All right, they're gone.

Who's that?

That head wasn't in my movie.

That head didn't win four golden
stinkies.

before one of you says something you
regret.

There I am, in Madame Tussauds' wax
museum.

It's supposed to do this, right?

Please tell me my head is okay. Please,
please, please, please, please.

Bummer.

A little blush, some fresh lipstick, a
couple of cans of Spackle.

It's not funny.

We have to fix me. Welcome to the
Chamber of Horrors.

Somebody's coming.

Big surprise.

What should we do? Walk away and blame a
child. Let's go.

You're not seriously considering.

Of course I am.

Now let's just do this before Fred and
Ricky get back.

Who is that? She looks familiar.

It's Sybil Sheridan. No, no, no.

I know. It's Shelly Hack from the
Charlie's Angels.

And they even added 20 pounds to her
just like the camera does.

Oh, good, aren't they?

Darling,

we've been here six hours.

We've had seven Shelly Hacks, four
Cheryl Lads, three Rosemary,

and one Rod Stewart.

I'm going to get some fish and chips.

You know what chips are, don't you?

French fries.

Oh, yeah.

Why isn't Zoe back?

She should be back by now.

Relax.

I'm sure she did fine.

I'm so proud of her for sticking with
her music.

But if things didn't go well tonight,
she's going to need a lot of support.

Well, I hope you're happy, Mother.

I just spent

three hours as a piano -playing Barbie
for a children's birthday party while a

bunch of eight -year -olds all stoned on
root beer and pudding pops put silly

string in my hair and something that is
moving in my shoe.

And what's worse, I got three more jobs
out of it.

Nothing I could imagine could be more
humiliating or degrading than this.

Thank you.

That was exactly what I needed.