All language subtitles for cybill_s03e13_bachelor_party

You see, Sybil, the problem is, since
the show's on opposite 60 Minutes, fewer

adults are watching, so we gotta go
after the kids.

I know, and I'm a team player.

Last week, when we fought the
intergalactic battle with Silly String,

nothing but this.

This just may be a call to my agent.

You're a freak. Kids love freaks.

But I started out an empowered woman who
hunts down brain -sucking space aliens.

Now, where's the reality?

I'm just a director, but you and I go
way back.

And if there's one thing you've always
been, it's the kind of actor that can

find the truth in any role.

Okay, Andy.

Get your nose out of my butt and tell me
what else they want me to wear.

Antlers.

Jesus Christ.

Tell me I die in this episode.

Your horns, Miss Sheridan.

Thank you, young lady.

What's with the young lady stuff?

She doesn't want anyone to know I'm her
mother.

Oh, I get it. You're the star, so she's
self -conscious.

No, it's been going on for years.

I've learned to make it work for me.

Excuse me, Chloe?

That's Zoe with a Z. Not anymore.

I've got a little knot right here. Could
you rub it for me?

It will be my pleasure to wrap my hands
around your neck, Miss Sheridan.

Pick a thought. Just give me some coffee
in my favorite mug.

Which one is that?

I'll know it when I see it, Zippy.

That was fun.

Although I won't be drinking what she
brings back.

Listen, I'm having lunch with Ira.

Now, is this bachelor party you're
throwing a surprise or can I mention it?

Total surprise. And your job is to
kidnap him and get him down there.

house. Your house? Mm -hmm. Oh, boy.
Will there be cake?

Yes, there will. With a woman jumping
out of it who will gyrate provocatively

for the men.

And she secretly pities them.

See? I know what I'm doing.

Loving one who loves you.

And them taking bye -bye.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you
get it.

a little comedy improv.

In between huge guffaws, I think I'll go
up and get some winter clothes out of

my old room.

I don't think you really want to go up
there right now. Why not?

Kevin and Rachel are using your room.

And seeing how tense their relationship
has been lately, I think we should let

them use it as much as they need to.

Ew, my room?

William's asleep in their room.

Well, why not your room?

That would have been a good idea.

With all the racket they make, the
neighbors would think I'm finally

some.

I'm sorry, Kevin.

Well, maybe we should try the milkmaid
and the traveling puppeteer.

I could get the wheelbarrow and the
squeezing apparatus.

That's sweet, but it's not going to
help.

Well, I suppose we don't always have to
be in the mood.

Kevin, listen, I know you're depressed
about losing your job, and I've been

trying really hard not to push you, but
we need to talk about what's wrong with

us. Nothing is wrong. Trust me, I'm a
trained psychologist. Everything is

perfectly normal.

He still won't open up to me.

I really wanted William to grow up
with...

Two parents.

You know, Mommy and Daddy loved each
other and would be together forever.

Rachel, what are you talking about? Are
you and Kevin separating?

I don't know.

I hope not.

Oh, good.

It's Holly.

Watch, she's going to talk to us like
we're poodles.

Where are my two favorite rice babes?

There they are. There they are.

I brought treats.

Listen, I want to thank the two of you
for helping me.

No, no, no.

These have to be little tiny, tiny
things with bows at each end.

This just looks like a big sack of bird
seed.

I don't understand why we can't hit you
in the face with rice like normal

people.

Oh, silly, silly Rachel.

Nobody throws rice anymore.

The pigeons eat it. It expands in their
stomachs and they explode.

I will not have pigeon guts on my
wedding gown.

I'm afraid we're just going to have to
retie all of these.

Go on.

Oh, come on. You can do it. Yes, you
can. You are the best little bridesmaid.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Question, Destiny.

Does it bother you that some people
might misinterpret your artistry as the

objectification of your body as opposed
to the glorification of womanhood,

which, of course, is what you're trying
to communicate here?

I hate when chicks plan these things.

It's belly dancing, a time -honored form
of self -expression that's been going

on for thousands of years.

That's good. Keep telling me that.

Okay. Maybe this will help.

You've made me see the error of my ways.

After this job, I will have enough money
to go to college, and I will never have

to degrade myself again.

You know, a little tear, my friend.

Listen, here's my card.

When you resolve your inner conflict,
call me.

I don't believe you.

the one who ordered the obscene pastries
for the party and excuse me but just a

few months ago didn't you talk me into
writing a porno movie to provide some

erotica for women remember physician
feel thyself

yes but this is for men and they'll just
turn it into something

dirty the woman can pit an olive with
her navel i want to see that before i

okay

I'll go see if I can catch her right
now.

But I'm doing this for you, right?

Absolutely. Just keep telling me that.

Marianne!

Holly!

Listen, I do want to say, I am so glad
that you and Sybil are planning Ira's

bachelor party. I mean, that way I know
the whole affair will be done without

any questionable elements.

I have a question.

Holly. Destiny.

Destiny. Holly.

Hi. Hi.

Marianne, I think an explanation is in
order.

Oh. Forgive me. Of course.

Destiny, Holly is the bride. Good to
meet you. And make sure your fiancé

plenty of folding money. I want my g
-string to look like I'm wearing a

Marianne, this is completely
inappropriate.

Fine. Lose the G -string.

Okay, but that'll be 50 bucks extra.

Marianne, what are you doing?

What do you expect from a bachelor
party, a clown?

This is cheap and vulgar, and I cannot
believe Sybil would be involved in such

thing.

Marianne, Marianne, the baker just
delivered the titty cake.

Babe to Holly, you coward.

Holly's going to be Iris' wife, Zoe's
stepmother. I have to keep the peace.

So we will go to the racetrack, drink
beer, smoke cigars, but the best part is

the only breath that will be shaking in
front of me will be my own.

Man, I can't wait to see this.

Ta -da!

Wow, we're having my bachelor party in
an exact replica of Sybil's house.

No, this is...

Time out.

You promised we were going to be pitied
by a woman in a cake.

This is not your bachelor party, okay?

Come on, the track will be so much fun.

The roar of the crowd, the smell of the
hay, the little men in shiny pants

pouring out of a tiny bus.

That's the circus.

What does it matter? They both reek of
manure.

Way to sell it, Marianne.

The track will be fine.

Are you sure? Because I'm your best man.

and you're supposed to have a really
good time. It'll be great.

And afterward, we can go for snow cones.

Shut up.

What's this?

Let me be your destiny. Bachelor
parties, conventions, courtroom

All right.

I'm sorry, Ira.

I didn't hire destiny.

Oh.

That's okay.

Who needs destiny?

Well, forget about the track and go to
one of the strip clubs up by the

Come on.

I don't know if I can support the
objectification of women in their blind

I've been to those strip clubs. Do you
have any idea what they're like?

Absolutely not. That's why I want to go.

Well, you can't go by yourself.

And I'm Ira's best man, so I should be
there.

But I don't want to endorse the blatant
exploitation of women. Okay, now listen

to me. Listen to me.

You will go.

Because otherwise, I will be alone.

And Ira will miss you.

But... You will not enjoy yourself, and
you will sit self -righteously and judge

everyone who is there.

Okay, just keep telling me that. Hooray!

Okay, y 'all go on ahead. We're going to
call the track and tell them the

Woodvine Party has moved to the House of
Boobs.

All right. I'll meet you at the first
placement naked in the title.

Thanks, Sid. See, this was a problem
with my first bachelor party. You were

bride. You should have been the best
man.

I'll call the race track.

Wait.

My show is looking to get the children's
audience.

The last thing I need is for some
tabloid photographer to get a shot of me

some sleazy joint.

Oh, that could be a problem.

Being a star is such a pain.

I've waited my whole life to say that.

You know, this place isn't as bad as I
thought it would be. It's kind of

Won't see that at Lincoln Center.

Where's Sybil and Mary Ann?

I'm going to go call them.

Bartender, I need change for the phone.

Hey, Mac, wait your turn.

Sorry, buddy.

Did you see the headlights on that one?

Bartender, I said I need change.

Hey, yo, buddy.

Lighten up.

You know what you need?

A good lap dance.

No, thanks. My lap's getting married
tomorrow.

Hey, congratulations.

Let me be the first to kiss the group.

Sybil?

Excuse me, aren't you guys at the wrong
car?

It's okay. We used to be married.

What are you two doing?

Didn't you know? It's National Cross
Dressing Day.

Where's your party from?

Oh, God.

That guy's not Zoe, is he?

We didn't want to miss your party, and I
couldn't risk my career coming to a

place like this. I'm really glad you're
here.

Even though I find it deeply disturbing,
I feel like I'm the X -rated version of

Yentl.

Just don't kiss any of the guys, okay?

Freaking A!

Real.

Not real.

Not real.

So, who does she think she's fooling?

My, my, how very objectifying.

Come on, you can poke an eye out with
one of those things.

That's Dr.

Dick's work.

He called it the up, up, and away.

So, uh, Marty, you're dressing to the
left or the right tonight?

I thought I'd go to the right.

Then I'll go to the left.

Okay?

Check your package.

med school.

And here's to the little missus who
worked the night shift to pay for it.

So I put you through med school, huh?
Pretty sweet deal.

I'm not complaining.

I've seen this little movie, pal. Today
it's a private dance with a two -bit

stripper. Soon it'll be a three -day
pelvic exam with the night nurse.

You got change for 20?

Let's have a big sis -boom -boom -bah
for Pom -Pom Peggy.

Hey, buddy, how you doing?

There's a woman getting naked on stage,
and I'm too depressed to watch. You

figure it out.

Sometimes it helps a guy to get things
off his chest.

You want to talk about it?

Who are you?

I'm Ira's agent.

I just met Ira's agent.

His travel agent.

What are you, a cop?

But enough about me. You're the one with
the long face.

I know it's hard sometimes to open up to
a perfect stranger, but... I lost my

job. I can't find another one, and I'm
so broke I had to move my family into my

mother -in -law's place.

Oh, no, not the mother -in -law.

But the worst part is I feel like I've
let my wife down.

She must look at me like I'm a broken
toy.

Broken toy, huh?

Mm -hmm. You gotta fix that.

You see, that's what we guys do. We fix
stuff.

I explained that to my ex -wives, all
five of them.

They all said, no, we don't need that.

We need to talk.

We need to share.

We need to be a team.

You don't understand my wife. You know,
she married a psychology professor, and

now she's got nothing.

Well, you know that, and I know that,
but she doesn't know that.

She thinks who you are right now is
enough.

Chicks, huh?

You know, she probably does think that,
which is one reason I love her.

Maybe I ought to let her know that right
now.

Besides, our little problem will seem
insignificant once she finds out her

mother hangs out in strip clubs dressed
like a man.

Thanks, Mother Sheridan.

Hey, pal, watch who you're calling
mother.

Hey, Zach, you want to go on stage and
dance with the strippers?

No, Marty, they throw you out for doing
that.

Then I think we should tell Bachelor
Number One.

Whoa! Look at Ira go.

He gyrates quite nicely.

This man has the pelvis of a pro.

Why do you think I stayed with him for
17 years?

Hey!

Hey, it's not my fault.

My buddy dared me. I was pushed on stage
by a big trucker type.

That would be me.

Hey, McGill, you want a piece of me?

Ira, I've never seen you like that
before. You were incredible.

silly racetrack.

You mean we really were going to go to a
track?

It was Holly's idea?

Real sensitive, Marianne. You're such a
guy.

I'm sorry. The aqua velvet is making me
woozy.

Oh, man.

What's the big deal?

So your future wife didn't want you to
dance with naked women?

Dames. What is it with them?

This was my bachelor party. How come
you're letting her make the decisions?

We're not at the track, are we? Well,
how could you even listen to her?

She had nothing to say about this.
Nothing.

Just like I had nothing to say about the
stupid clown suit she's making me wear

for the wedding.

Ira. Or we're going on our honeymoon or
how we're going to redo my house.

Calm down.

You didn't need to listen to her.

I was doing it for you. I was trying to
get along with her for your sake. You're

my friend. You should be getting along
with me, not her.

And you should be having this fight with
her, not me.

Unless you want me to...

I can't.

I can't fight with her.

Because Holly says happy couples don't
fight.

Well, we don't fight.

I'm not happy.

Everything's got to be perfect all the
time, Sib.

You know how much energy that takes?

You don't have anything left over to
have a real relationship.

I thought that would change.

Then I thought I'd get used to it.

Oh, God.

How did I let it go this far?

Ira, you've just got a case of the pre
-wedding jitters.

Liar.

Sorry.

This male bonding thing is new to me.

Come on.

I'll shut up and listen till it's my
turn.

Then I'll punch you on the arm.

Here I am in a strip club, which Holly
wouldn't be caught dead in.

But here you are.

Our relationship wasn't perfect, and I
didn't want to come down here either. I

know, but here you are.

I have a better relationship with my ex
-wife than I have with my future wife.

Or ever will.

I just can't do this to her.

Ira, don't tell me you're calling off
your wedding because of me.

Whoops.

Hey, whatever floats your boat.

No, it isn't because of you. It's
because of me.

Now all I have to do is tell her.

At least I know we won't fight about it.

Well, whatever happens, I'll always be
your best man.

You know, there's something I've just
got to do.

Ow! See?

Beard burn!

Now you know how to feel!

Whoa, am I glad we're home.

I gotta drain the snake, if you know
what I mean.

Yeah, I gotta pee like a race car.

That's race horse.

Well, that clears up a lot.

My situation at work just got a whole
lot better.