All language subtitles for benny_hill_s06e08_1989

Where's Granny now?

She's where she's happiest.

At the spinning wheel.

In her room?

No, Las Vegas.

And stop spying on those girls. It'll
give you a headache.

Don't be tough.

I can spy on those girls and give me a
headache.

type of a tiger?

Oh, madam, how I wish I had.

Wasn't that just the ugliest baby you'd
ever seen?

Ugly is hardly the word.

of people is a very nice. Tell you what
I'm going to do. Make a bigger, nicer

smile on your face. Here, going to give
you for nothing a nice peach there. You

don't pay. It's a peach. You know what a
peach is?

It's a suede apple.

For nothing.

Bunch of grapes.

How about that?

Nice bunch of grapes.

To show you my heart in the right place,
you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to give you this banana for
your monkey.

Keepsinger, his squire, Benny.

Thank

you.

A shy young maid has took a room.

Bedside light is oh so bright and the
curtains oh so thin.

At nine o 'clock she entered her room.
At half past nine she sleeps.

Lord Clarendon walked quickly on that
naughty Samuel Pete.

I went to rent a

lady's house. She handed me the key.

She said it's to be left as it stands
with all that you can see. And are you

be let with the house? They die in a
very soft tone.

She said, I'm not to be let with the
house. I'm to be let alone.

Oh, no, it's white, it's black and
white, and it's all written down in his

diary. He's wiped it, locked it white in
her chastity belt, then climbs upon his

horse. He left the key with the footman,
lest he was killed in the wars.

He'd not gone far when up ran the
footman shouting breathlessly.

He said, Squire, fit this. He doesn't
fit it. He said, you're telling me.

Halfway up a wall outside a castle in
Tranmere, there is a sign that reads

Duke of Dendy was born here.

I've travelled far and I've travelled
wide, but ne 'er can I recall.

Ever hearing of a duke born halfway up a
wall.

Well, you know, it's quite tonight, and
white day's rolling down the diary. She

locked Thursday morn, my wife gave birth
to a lovely baby boy.

As the doctor took me to see them, my
heart was filled with joy.

When he said, he's got your husband's
nose, my wife looked quite surprised.

She said, that may be, but you must
agree, he's got his father's eyes.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Mr. McGee.

Thank you.

Could you lend me $5?

I beg your pardon?

Could you lend me $5?

Could you speak up, please?

Could you lend me $5?

I still can't hear you, Milton.

Could you lend me $5?

Milton, could you come around to this
ear? Maybe I hear a little bit better

way. Could you lend me $10?

Could you come back to the $5?

Is that me?

Inspector Randolph Ball is coming.

Well, what's the awful news then?

He's at the station now.

Go and pick him up.

to get cleaned up when i get back i want
this place like a new pin have i made

my

Who's paying for this? They are!

Have you felt it?

Read the booklet.

It'll tell you how to make your marriage
work.

You'd rather know how to make your
husband work.

That's in the booklet, too.

Ah, come in.

Would you like to sit down? Thank you
very much.

Don't do that. What are you playing at?
I've none of that.

I've got problems.

What about your problems? See, you're
the one who was bending over.

Now,

now, now, we can't all talk at once.

Well, I'll give you my side of the
story.

to talk to your wife, Mr. Treader. You
must look upon her as a delicate,

flower waiting to blossom.

Think of her as a lovely flower.

You mean I've got to put manure on her?

You are only nominally the head of the
family.

I'm a what?

A titular head.

Fish face.

Today, the sex is equal.

And why does the king beat the queen at
cards?

Well, we here, we here at Marriage
Guidance find that the two main causes

marriages breaking down are one, money.

Oh, money, yeah, you hit the pot on the
head there with your money. That's all

she thinks about, it's money. It's all
she ever wants from me. It's more money,

more, more money.

What does she do with it all?

I don't know, I never give her any.

Now, Tony,

are there still times when contact of a
physical nature

between you leads to moments of
tenderness?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, absolutely.

Last Friday night, she got very
physical.

Hit me with a shovel.

Oh, there was moments of extreme
tenderness.

Do you still have relations?

Yeah, I do.

She don't.

Your wife doesn't? Not anymore, no.

Not since her uncle died.

Relatives? Yeah, yeah. I just got the
one distant relative, my sister.

How can your sister be a distant
relative?

She lives in New Zealand.

Mr. Treader must have loved you once.

Oh, he did once, yes.

25th of June, 1950.

I says you'll get what I got when I got
it.

Mr.

Trenner, do you wake up moody and grumpy
in the morning?

Oh, no.

I let her sleep.

I always get up quiet.

I wonder you bother getting up.

I just said, I'd like to see her cycle
down the cobblestone street.

Well... Come now, Mrs. Fedder. Why don't
you kiss her makeup?

Well, kiss that.

After all the beer he's been swilling,
have you smelt his breath?

He sneezed in my face once. I was drunk
for a week.

It would seem he's the worst enemy.

You'd like to bury the hatchet. Oh, I
would, yeah.

In her head.

You're evil, you are evil. I'm not evil.
I'm talking about the pot calling in

the friar. You remember what Rabbi Burns
said when he

said, would that God had the gift to
give us to see ourselves as those that

and see. Would that God had the gift to
see us.

Would that God.

to many of your problems.

I'll read it thoroughly.

I thought I told you never to ring me at
work.

You stupid cow.

My father was right. I should never have
married you.

You make me puke.

What has Jean got that you haven't?
Nothing.

Only she hasn't had it for quite so
long.

It's grew better, you ugly old bag.

If Moses had seen your face, there'd
have been another commandment.

You are without doubt the ugliest, most
loathsome, despicable, degenerate,

filthy scumbag.

You know, it's funny, but when people
write to me, they all ask the same

question. They all say, how come, how
come a... looking boy like you never

married and i always tell them the truth
i fly a lot and i like a window seat

and why should i make one woman
miserable when i

can make so many so happy well two or
three oh with my back oh it can't be

fun being married to a comedian though
can it really i mean they expect

any any time they do anything half well
they expect a round of applause

They do. No, they do. I promise you.

What woman, what woman wants to wake up
in the morning and say, oh, Arthur, last

night. Well done.

Bravo.

Encore.

She has to see that he's got a notebook
and pencil by the side of his bed in

case he wakes up during the day.

And then there are the temptations of
show business, you know. Only the other

day I was talking to Mrs. Bob Todd.

And I said, how do you feel about Bob
working surrounded by all these

girls? Aren't you afraid he might get an
appetite?

And she said, I don't mind him getting
an appetite just so long as he eats at

home.

I think he's on a diet. I think he's on
a diet anyway.

But we're not, are we? Let's meet the
lovely Hills Angels. Here they are.

And I want to say this, and I mean this
quite sincerely.

The other day, I saw the Miss World
competition, and I honestly believe, and

think you may agree, that I don't think
that one of those contestants was as

attractive, as beautiful, as charming,
as delightful as I am.

And I do believe that.

I'm sure you'll agree.

Off you go, ladies, because Hills Angels
now are going to give you their

interpretation of TV show titles.

And girls, spell it right this time.

Spelling at rehearsals you wouldn't
believe.

We'll be right back.

Thursday, Friday, happy day. Saturday,

what a day.

have to believe.

Because, you see, words are all
important. You have to be careful how

them. I had words with the wife last
night, but I didn't get a chance to use

them.

You see, the trouble with our language
is there are far too many anomalies.

I met a German once who thought a family
butcher was a man who butchered

families.

Is a buttress a female butt?

He took his kite into the lavatory
because the instructions said wait for

wind and then throw up.

I think words should describe things
more accurately.

I mean, phrases should be more apt.

Cap size shouldn't be an upturned boat.
It should be the size of your cap.

A boxer should be a man who boxes, not a
breed of dog.

And take a word like...

Sounds like an Italian fog.

I mean, if a couple get divorced because
they're incompatible, does that mean

he's got no income or she's not very
pattable?

Or is the reason for the incompatibility
just the fact they're incompatible and

he had more ability?

If ointment makes your elbow smart,
should you rub some on your head?

wine for pork.

Do wine gums wine for gums?

And if a bricklayer's allowed to lay
bricks, then why can't a plumber lay

Now take hemorrhoid.

That tells you nothing.

And it makes me so annoyed when there's
a word that describes it perfectly.

The word is...

an occasional table the rest of the
time?

And why is pot mispronounced in words
like potpourri?

than words, it is saying that you may
recall and the sweetest, loveliest of

messages.

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