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1
00:00:13,900 --> 00:00:14,900
Of course you can.
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00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:19,020
Are you wearing that see -through blouse
about me?
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00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:20,780
Like you asked me.
4
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:23,440
Oh, yeah.
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00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:28,380
And like you said, I'm not wearing a bra
underneath that.
6
00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:29,980
Well, come in, then.
7
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:18,080
never know how a rose can look so sweet
and pure and hold its head up high
8
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:24,960
when it's standing in manure or why they
say all brides are beautiful each and
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00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:31,820
every one if this is true then where do
all the ugly wives come from I'll
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00:01:31,820 --> 00:01:32,820
never know
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00:01:44,430 --> 00:01:47,990
They don't throw your faggots down the
loop cause it isn't right.
12
00:01:48,230 --> 00:01:55,070
It makes them wet and soggy and
impossible to light. Another time they'd
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00:01:55,070 --> 00:01:58,610
her into flora and she will feel like a
queen.
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00:01:59,150 --> 00:02:03,930
But who can get romantic over a packet
of margarine?
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00:02:17,130 --> 00:02:20,410
For my birthday, the cake that I bought
wasn't bad.
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00:02:20,870 --> 00:02:25,990
I liked the 28 candles that were on the
slice that I had.
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00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:31,590
I knew that the fella as clever as you
was tested for fame and for wealth.
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00:02:31,790 --> 00:02:36,650
Because I crossed a duck with a banjo
and got a bird that plucks itself.
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00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:41,890
And I kissed you instead, I just wanted
to do something more comfortable.
20
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:45,350
While I sat there biting my finger.
21
00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:53,400
Then the door first opened, she stood
there with all of me mates from the
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00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,740
And we all sang happy birthday to you.
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And all I had on was me socks.
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00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,920
He got the wind up the very first day.
25
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:25,260
He said, boss is the man of the
buildings with a pitchfork barring my
26
00:03:25,260 --> 00:03:30,040
boss said, but all of my tenants are
very high class and well bred. Now he
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00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,780
probably holding a pitchfork because
he'd been making his bed.
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00:03:34,020 --> 00:03:35,020
I know it's true.
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I know it's right. I know it's right.
It's in the papers. It's in the papers.
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In black and white.
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Now little G, he sat by the roadside.
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He was crying one summer day.
33
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:52,080
Why do you cry, young Jimmy? An old man
was hurt today.
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00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:56,920
Cause I can't do what the big boys do.
That's why I cried to Jim.
35
00:03:57,220 --> 00:03:59,400
Move over, then said the old man.
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00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:02,780
And he sat down and cried with him. And
it's true.
37
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,920
I know it's right.
38
00:04:05,820 --> 00:04:07,400
It's in the papers.
39
00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:09,500
In black and white.
40
00:06:20,110 --> 00:06:21,110
Oh.
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00:07:58,280 --> 00:07:59,280
Oh, look at your face.
42
00:08:12,540 --> 00:08:13,540
Joe!
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Why not?
44
00:10:30,140 --> 00:10:31,480
This place is haunted.
45
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Haunted? Who by?
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You!
47
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Introducing Susan Camsha.
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Irving Cruddy. Willie Treader.
49
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And Patty Bottom as the Kirkdale clan in
The Herd.
50
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:08,760
Duck!
51
00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:10,740
Duck!
52
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:12,520
Duck!
53
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:18,700
What the hell's he yelling duck for?
Supposed to say whore, not duck.
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00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,680
Why the hell does he keep shouting duck?
55
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,320
Say it's not, I'll be back in time,
yeah.
56
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:37,820
Okay, Biff.
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00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:39,620
Two beers.
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00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,140
That'll be ten dollars.
59
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:43,640
Ten dollars?
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00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:45,680
Hey, what are them for?
61
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:47,680
For?
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00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,820
You've seen double already.
63
00:11:51,180 --> 00:11:53,960
No, I mean that round your neck. What in
the heck's that?
64
00:11:54,660 --> 00:11:56,340
That's my necklace. Why?
65
00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:59,910
Well, everything's a damned high around
here. I thought it was your daughter.
66
00:12:02,350 --> 00:12:05,070
There is a bus leaving in ten minutes.
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00:12:05,870 --> 00:12:07,290
Be under it.
68
00:12:08,890 --> 00:12:11,670
Hey, honey, why don't I take you out one
night?
69
00:12:11,930 --> 00:12:12,930
Oh, great.
70
00:12:13,430 --> 00:12:16,030
I'll wear my hop -along chastity belt.
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00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:21,770
Say, why don't we take those two out
tonight?
72
00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:23,150
Oh, can't tonight.
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00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:26,730
I've got to go to my grand... Your
grandpappy's 104th birthday party.
74
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,970
Your grandpappy's still alive at 104?
75
00:12:30,770 --> 00:12:33,370
No, he died at 50, but we just like to
celebrate.
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00:12:34,510 --> 00:12:36,270
Is he going to be there tonight?
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00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:38,030
I'll go find out.
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00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,200
Would you look at the invitation list
and let me know if Ellie Mae has been
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00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,500
invited? Well, let me see now.
80
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,260
This looks like it.
81
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,380
Well, is there a name on it?
82
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,240
I can't rightly tell.
83
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,400
I don't have my reading glasses.
84
00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:14,260
Well, give it to me. Let me have a look.
85
00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:02,130
of things.
86
00:14:02,690 --> 00:14:03,690
Yes, sir.
87
00:14:05,230 --> 00:14:08,430
And don't ever let me catch you wearing
my clothes again.
88
00:14:12,090 --> 00:14:14,250
You're going to be some party.
89
00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:23,210
Look, honey, all I said was you want to
come up to my room and hear my records.
90
00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:27,130
Now that's finished and enough, isn't
it? But suppose I don't like your
91
00:14:27,510 --> 00:14:29,690
Well, then you put your clothes on and
come.
92
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,720
but it wasn't the padre, it was the
doctor.
93
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:48,460
I thought he was a bit damn familiar for
a padre.
94
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,520
That's the one my fruit comes with.
95
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:55,940
Have one yourself.
96
00:14:56,260 --> 00:14:57,260
Oh, thank you.
97
00:15:24,650 --> 00:15:26,730
Now, you know the doctor told you to
rest.
98
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,030
He said you've got a cute angina.
99
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:31,170
I've got a cute belly button.
100
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:34,390
What the hell does that got to do with
the price of meat?
101
00:15:34,650 --> 00:15:38,450
Now, go get my desk. I'm going down
there. Having a party and nothing about
102
00:15:38,490 --> 00:15:42,170
I've never heard of that thing in my
whole dang life. There's a lot of it
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00:15:42,170 --> 00:15:43,590
me. Drink, sir?
104
00:15:43,950 --> 00:15:45,410
Well, I really do think I should.
105
00:15:45,970 --> 00:15:47,130
I've had six already.
106
00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:49,610
You've had eight, Henry, but who's
counting?
107
00:15:54,819 --> 00:15:56,520
Weatherizer. Weather who, Eliza?
108
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:02,080
Weatherizer. It's a sort of bag that
tells you when you've had too much to
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00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,080
drink.
110
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,880
Don't you have it over here?
111
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,700
Yeah, Harry, but over here it's called a
wife.
112
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:16,960
Talking of cattle, I've got a freezing
herd out there. It's cold weather that
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00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:17,960
does it.
114
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,380
My name is Patricia.
115
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:32,340
Now, I don't mind you calling me Pat, or
Girl Pat, or even Cowgirl Pat,
116
00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:37,860
but you call me Cow Pat just one more
time, and I'm going to forget that I'm a
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00:16:37,860 --> 00:16:39,420
lady and kick you right in the nuts.
118
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,320
I mean, look at you. Nothing better
heads on a glass of beer.
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00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,500
Say those three little words, that'll
have me walking on air.
120
00:16:54,030 --> 00:16:55,470
Go hang yourself.
121
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:17,400
Thank you.
122
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,400
Spending the night around at my place.
What do you say, huh?
123
00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:24,920
I can't. I'm sorry.
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00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:30,060
I could do a lot for a girl like you,
you know. Why don't we talk about around
125
00:28:30,060 --> 00:28:31,060
at my place?
126
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,260
I'm sorry. I'm busy tonight.
127
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,040
Kids, don't give me that hard -to -get
stuff.
128
00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,220
I mean, I've been around, you know what
I mean?
129
00:28:39,580 --> 00:28:40,620
Okay, I understand.
130
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,800
You want to have dinner first.
131
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:44,240
That's okay.
132
00:28:44,300 --> 00:28:46,000
I'll see you around about 11 o 'clock.
133
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:50,160
I'm sorry, really. I have other plans
for tonight.
134
00:28:50,819 --> 00:28:53,680
More important than spending the night
with Superstud?
135
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:56,560
Oh, come on. What the hell are you doing
that's so damn important?
136
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:01,140
I'm chairing a meeting to decide who's
going to be made redundant here.
137
00:29:06,260 --> 00:29:10,200
Well, now, look, I don't want you to
think that I'm the sort of person who
138
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:13,600
coerce a junior fellow employee, you
know what I mean, or even a superior,
139
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,240
because that's not my bag at all. I
mean, I'm not your average run -of -the
140
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:20,140
-mill male chauvinist pig, you know. I
respect women.
141
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,540
I really do. I think women should not
take it lying down. I say take it lying
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00:29:23,540 --> 00:29:27,600
down. I mean the women have rights. I
really think the women have rights.
143
00:29:28,420 --> 00:29:31,440
And they stand up for those rights. I'm
going to fight to the death, you know,
144
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:32,800
to respect those women's rights.
145
00:29:57,960 --> 00:29:58,960
Thank you for the bread and water.
146
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:05,960
Ladies and gentlemen, you know, people
often ask me, you know, they say, what's
147
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:09,500
it like, what's it really like being an
international sex symbol?
148
00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:15,840
And they say, it must be a lot of fun.
And I say, well, not necessarily.
149
00:30:16,060 --> 00:30:19,100
I mean, there are times that you could
see me and you wouldn't think it was a
150
00:30:19,100 --> 00:30:25,920
lot of fun when I'm sort of banging away
at my typewriter, trying to finish
151
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:26,649
the script.
152
00:30:26,650 --> 00:30:30,850
the show in time, trying to keep awake
sometimes until half past three, four o
153
00:30:30,850 --> 00:30:31,850
'clock in the afternoon.
154
00:30:33,850 --> 00:30:37,490
And then they say, oh, all those girls,
Ben, aren't you lucky, all those girls.
155
00:30:37,590 --> 00:30:39,810
I bet you get plenty of OB joyful, eh,
Ben?
156
00:30:40,450 --> 00:30:44,070
Bet you get your share, eh? I bet you
would have birds around it like knives.
157
00:30:45,610 --> 00:30:50,450
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been
working with dancers since I was 16
158
00:30:50,970 --> 00:30:52,570
That's 30 years.
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00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:02,580
say in all honesty with my hand on my
heart that I have never once laid a hand
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00:31:02,580 --> 00:31:04,020
on one of those girls.
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00:31:04,740 --> 00:31:06,560
I think her name was Sandra.
162
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,540
I'm not absolutely sure.
163
00:31:11,100 --> 00:31:15,520
And then they'll say, you know, oh, I
suppose after the show in your spacious
164
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:18,240
dressing room you have big glamorous
champagne parties.
165
00:31:18,580 --> 00:31:19,920
Spacious dressing room?
166
00:31:20,140 --> 00:31:23,940
That room is so small the RSPCA
condemned it.
167
00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:27,000
They said there wasn't room to swing a
cat in it.
168
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:32,700
If somebody comes in quickly, the door
handle either insults you or injures
169
00:31:32,780 --> 00:31:34,920
depending on which way you're facing.
170
00:31:39,100 --> 00:31:40,860
There's one chair in there.
171
00:31:41,140 --> 00:31:42,800
It's called a bentwood chair.
172
00:31:43,620 --> 00:31:47,300
It's not a bentwood chair. It's a
bentwood chair.
173
00:31:48,620 --> 00:31:50,200
It's walked by the damp.
174
00:31:51,220 --> 00:31:53,520
They caught a trout in the mousetrap
last week.
175
00:31:57,390 --> 00:32:01,510
hanging from the ceiling like a cow's
udder, only not so bright.
176
00:32:04,030 --> 00:32:06,410
I didn't know you could get three watt
bulbs.
177
00:32:08,890 --> 00:32:12,990
Next door in the gents, there is no bulb
at all and hasn't been for the last
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00:32:12,990 --> 00:32:13,990
three shows.
179
00:32:14,170 --> 00:32:17,650
Can you imagine what it's like standing
there holding a lighted match in one
180
00:32:17,650 --> 00:32:18,650
hand?
181
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:27,820
feel your way round the wall to the
appointed place.
182
00:32:28,220 --> 00:32:31,440
You always know when you're at the
appointed place there's a sign that
183
00:32:31,540 --> 00:32:33,900
Thames Television, we aim to please.
184
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,840
Underneath someone's written, will you
aim too, please?
185
00:32:42,300 --> 00:32:46,940
You could always tell a man who works at
Thames, mould his shoes in a rusty zip.
186
00:32:50,340 --> 00:32:51,660
Think about it.
187
00:32:53,220 --> 00:32:55,040
The man who thinks he's the director,
188
00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:01,320
He says, why don't you use the ladies?
We all do. But be careful, there's no
189
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:02,320
locks on the door.
190
00:33:02,580 --> 00:33:05,260
I said, well, what do you do? He said,
well, you sit down, put your foot
191
00:33:05,260 --> 00:33:06,260
the door and hold it.
192
00:33:26,090 --> 00:33:29,550
decided. I was invited to a festival
recently, a festival of dubbed and
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00:33:29,550 --> 00:33:32,810
subtitled television shows, and some of
the translations you just wouldn't
194
00:33:32,810 --> 00:33:37,630
believe. Out of sight, out of mind came
out as short -sighted people are potty.
195
00:33:39,410 --> 00:33:43,870
He was bent on seeing her came out as
the sight of her doubled him up.
196
00:33:44,950 --> 00:33:49,690
And the spirit is willing but the flesh
is weak was translated as the whiskey's
197
00:33:49,690 --> 00:33:50,990
alright, don't order the steak.
198
00:33:52,130 --> 00:33:55,890
Anyway, here are one or two versions of
some Out of the show.
199
00:34:26,610 --> 00:34:28,130
I don't know.
200
00:34:55,820 --> 00:34:56,840
This is the book of the chest.
201
00:34:58,260 --> 00:34:59,260
Come here.
202
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:01,260
Come here, I'll be the mayor.
203
00:35:01,860 --> 00:35:02,860
Come around.
204
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:37,520
What the f -
205
00:38:27,479 --> 00:38:30,520
Ich bin blutenwelke nacket.
206
00:38:32,620 --> 00:38:35,480
Du schlupfst Zigaretten? Oh, ja.
207
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,500
Ich habe denken das, wenn du wirst
puffen und panten.
208
00:39:06,940 --> 00:39:08,340
Oh,
209
00:39:11,980 --> 00:39:12,980
yeah.
210
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,500
Ich habe jetzt einen kolossalen Durst.
211
00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:33,920
Aber hast du 50 pence?
212
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:35,500
50 pi?
213
00:39:36,020 --> 00:39:37,020
Was?
214
00:39:38,060 --> 00:39:40,200
Hast du half ein quid?
215
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:42,560
Half ein foot?
216
00:39:42,940 --> 00:39:44,480
Half ein knicker?
217
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:50,860
Oh, Fräulein Diane, geht mir ginger beer
fĂĽr nix.
218
00:40:02,930 --> 00:40:04,270
Not milching the cows.
219
00:40:05,070 --> 00:40:06,950
Not milching the cows.
220
00:40:07,830 --> 00:40:11,770
Not a cow with a cow bell that goes ding
-dang -ding -dang because the horns
221
00:40:11,770 --> 00:40:12,770
don't work.
222
00:40:15,790 --> 00:40:19,870
Not a cow with a ding -a -dang -a -dang
-a -dang under the arse and put a milch.
223
00:40:20,410 --> 00:40:21,690
But they're plot cows.
224
00:40:22,110 --> 00:40:23,110
They start off cows.
225
00:40:32,010 --> 00:40:33,170
Ich liebe Fräulein Diane.
226
00:40:33,550 --> 00:40:37,690
Oh, Fräulein Diane, ich liebe dich.
227
00:40:40,210 --> 00:40:42,350
Nein, ich nicht liebe dich.
228
00:40:43,990 --> 00:40:46,130
Ich liebe Fräulein Diane.
229
00:40:46,670 --> 00:40:49,350
Ich denke, Fräulein Diane liebe dich.
230
00:40:53,350 --> 00:40:54,790
Eine ginger beer.
231
00:40:55,190 --> 00:40:57,570
Ich habe nicht Geld.
232
00:40:57,970 --> 00:40:58,970
Nicht Geld?
233
00:41:20,819 --> 00:41:21,819
FĂĽnfzigpenstuck.
234
00:41:22,300 --> 00:41:23,860
Danke. Hier.
235
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,600
Hast du ein FĂĽnfzig von Noten?
236
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:29,940
Danke. Benny, kommst du hier?
237
00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:33,120
Benny, kommst du hier?
238
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:34,360
Moment.
239
00:41:35,740 --> 00:41:37,040
Kommst du hier?
240
00:41:37,820 --> 00:41:39,860
No, ever so. Moment.
241
00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:45,020
Was wollen Sie denn? Was brauchst du?
Benny, ja, hier.
242
00:41:45,300 --> 00:41:51,990
Du kannst haben diese schöne Breite.
Silver, super, ben,
243
00:41:52,210 --> 00:41:53,630
air, da klar, duck.
244
00:41:54,410 --> 00:41:58,990
Oder diesen Schreck, muttig, kaputt, gut
auf Papier.
245
00:41:59,490 --> 00:42:02,570
Du kann hab einer oder oder.
246
00:42:03,070 --> 00:42:05,570
Aber only einer.
247
00:42:06,290 --> 00:42:10,710
Ich kann nicht haben, der Schwein. Nein.
Ich brauch nicht, der Schwein. Ich will
248
00:42:10,710 --> 00:42:16,210
nehmen, dieses StĂĽck hier ist Silber. Es
ist breit und schön und möglich und
249
00:42:16,210 --> 00:42:18,170
glĂĽcklich und lustig. Ich will gibt
dazu.
250
00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:19,600
Oh, nein, Diane.
251
00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:23,600
Aber ich rat nicht, ob ich dich da auch
nicht so fassen kann.
20085
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