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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,900 --> 00:00:14,900 Of course you can. 2 00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:19,020 Are you wearing that see -through blouse about me? 3 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:20,780 Like you asked me. 4 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:23,440 Oh, yeah. 5 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:28,380 And like you said, I'm not wearing a bra underneath that. 6 00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:29,980 Well, come in, then. 7 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:18,080 never know how a rose can look so sweet and pure and hold its head up high 8 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:24,960 when it's standing in manure or why they say all brides are beautiful each and 9 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:31,820 every one if this is true then where do all the ugly wives come from I'll 10 00:01:31,820 --> 00:01:32,820 never know 11 00:01:44,430 --> 00:01:47,990 They don't throw your faggots down the loop cause it isn't right. 12 00:01:48,230 --> 00:01:55,070 It makes them wet and soggy and impossible to light. Another time they'd 13 00:01:55,070 --> 00:01:58,610 her into flora and she will feel like a queen. 14 00:01:59,150 --> 00:02:03,930 But who can get romantic over a packet of margarine? 15 00:02:17,130 --> 00:02:20,410 For my birthday, the cake that I bought wasn't bad. 16 00:02:20,870 --> 00:02:25,990 I liked the 28 candles that were on the slice that I had. 17 00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:31,590 I knew that the fella as clever as you was tested for fame and for wealth. 18 00:02:31,790 --> 00:02:36,650 Because I crossed a duck with a banjo and got a bird that plucks itself. 19 00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:41,890 And I kissed you instead, I just wanted to do something more comfortable. 20 00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:45,350 While I sat there biting my finger. 21 00:02:47,780 --> 00:02:53,400 Then the door first opened, she stood there with all of me mates from the 22 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,740 And we all sang happy birthday to you. 23 00:02:56,980 --> 00:02:58,840 And all I had on was me socks. 24 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,920 He got the wind up the very first day. 25 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:25,260 He said, boss is the man of the buildings with a pitchfork barring my 26 00:03:25,260 --> 00:03:30,040 boss said, but all of my tenants are very high class and well bred. Now he 27 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,780 probably holding a pitchfork because he'd been making his bed. 28 00:03:34,020 --> 00:03:35,020 I know it's true. 29 00:03:35,740 --> 00:03:40,740 I know it's right. I know it's right. It's in the papers. It's in the papers. 30 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,000 In black and white. 31 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,520 Now little G, he sat by the roadside. 32 00:03:45,740 --> 00:03:47,440 He was crying one summer day. 33 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:52,080 Why do you cry, young Jimmy? An old man was hurt today. 34 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:56,920 Cause I can't do what the big boys do. That's why I cried to Jim. 35 00:03:57,220 --> 00:03:59,400 Move over, then said the old man. 36 00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:02,780 And he sat down and cried with him. And it's true. 37 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,920 I know it's right. 38 00:04:05,820 --> 00:04:07,400 It's in the papers. 39 00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:09,500 In black and white. 40 00:06:20,110 --> 00:06:21,110 Oh. 41 00:07:58,280 --> 00:07:59,280 Oh, look at your face. 42 00:08:12,540 --> 00:08:13,540 Joe! 43 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,139 Why not? 44 00:10:30,140 --> 00:10:31,480 This place is haunted. 45 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,100 Haunted? Who by? 46 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:35,700 You! 47 00:10:53,060 --> 00:10:55,100 Introducing Susan Camsha. 48 00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:58,200 Irving Cruddy. Willie Treader. 49 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:05,300 And Patty Bottom as the Kirkdale clan in The Herd. 50 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:08,760 Duck! 51 00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:10,740 Duck! 52 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:12,520 Duck! 53 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:18,700 What the hell's he yelling duck for? Supposed to say whore, not duck. 54 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,680 Why the hell does he keep shouting duck? 55 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,320 Say it's not, I'll be back in time, yeah. 56 00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:37,820 Okay, Biff. 57 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:39,620 Two beers. 58 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,140 That'll be ten dollars. 59 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:43,640 Ten dollars? 60 00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:45,680 Hey, what are them for? 61 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:47,680 For? 62 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,820 You've seen double already. 63 00:11:51,180 --> 00:11:53,960 No, I mean that round your neck. What in the heck's that? 64 00:11:54,660 --> 00:11:56,340 That's my necklace. Why? 65 00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:59,910 Well, everything's a damned high around here. I thought it was your daughter. 66 00:12:02,350 --> 00:12:05,070 There is a bus leaving in ten minutes. 67 00:12:05,870 --> 00:12:07,290 Be under it. 68 00:12:08,890 --> 00:12:11,670 Hey, honey, why don't I take you out one night? 69 00:12:11,930 --> 00:12:12,930 Oh, great. 70 00:12:13,430 --> 00:12:16,030 I'll wear my hop -along chastity belt. 71 00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:21,770 Say, why don't we take those two out tonight? 72 00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:23,150 Oh, can't tonight. 73 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:26,730 I've got to go to my grand... Your grandpappy's 104th birthday party. 74 00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,970 Your grandpappy's still alive at 104? 75 00:12:30,770 --> 00:12:33,370 No, he died at 50, but we just like to celebrate. 76 00:12:34,510 --> 00:12:36,270 Is he going to be there tonight? 77 00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:38,030 I'll go find out. 78 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,200 Would you look at the invitation list and let me know if Ellie Mae has been 79 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,500 invited? Well, let me see now. 80 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,260 This looks like it. 81 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,380 Well, is there a name on it? 82 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,240 I can't rightly tell. 83 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,400 I don't have my reading glasses. 84 00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:14,260 Well, give it to me. Let me have a look. 85 00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:02,130 of things. 86 00:14:02,690 --> 00:14:03,690 Yes, sir. 87 00:14:05,230 --> 00:14:08,430 And don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again. 88 00:14:12,090 --> 00:14:14,250 You're going to be some party. 89 00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:23,210 Look, honey, all I said was you want to come up to my room and hear my records. 90 00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:27,130 Now that's finished and enough, isn't it? But suppose I don't like your 91 00:14:27,510 --> 00:14:29,690 Well, then you put your clothes on and come. 92 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,720 but it wasn't the padre, it was the doctor. 93 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:48,460 I thought he was a bit damn familiar for a padre. 94 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,520 That's the one my fruit comes with. 95 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:55,940 Have one yourself. 96 00:14:56,260 --> 00:14:57,260 Oh, thank you. 97 00:15:24,650 --> 00:15:26,730 Now, you know the doctor told you to rest. 98 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,030 He said you've got a cute angina. 99 00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:31,170 I've got a cute belly button. 100 00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:34,390 What the hell does that got to do with the price of meat? 101 00:15:34,650 --> 00:15:38,450 Now, go get my desk. I'm going down there. Having a party and nothing about 102 00:15:38,490 --> 00:15:42,170 I've never heard of that thing in my whole dang life. There's a lot of it 103 00:15:42,170 --> 00:15:43,590 me. Drink, sir? 104 00:15:43,950 --> 00:15:45,410 Well, I really do think I should. 105 00:15:45,970 --> 00:15:47,130 I've had six already. 106 00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:49,610 You've had eight, Henry, but who's counting? 107 00:15:54,819 --> 00:15:56,520 Weatherizer. Weather who, Eliza? 108 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:02,080 Weatherizer. It's a sort of bag that tells you when you've had too much to 109 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,080 drink. 110 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,880 Don't you have it over here? 111 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,700 Yeah, Harry, but over here it's called a wife. 112 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:16,960 Talking of cattle, I've got a freezing herd out there. It's cold weather that 113 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:17,960 does it. 114 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,380 My name is Patricia. 115 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:32,340 Now, I don't mind you calling me Pat, or Girl Pat, or even Cowgirl Pat, 116 00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:37,860 but you call me Cow Pat just one more time, and I'm going to forget that I'm a 117 00:16:37,860 --> 00:16:39,420 lady and kick you right in the nuts. 118 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,320 I mean, look at you. Nothing better heads on a glass of beer. 119 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,500 Say those three little words, that'll have me walking on air. 120 00:16:54,030 --> 00:16:55,470 Go hang yourself. 121 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:17,400 Thank you. 122 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:23,400 Spending the night around at my place. What do you say, huh? 123 00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:24,920 I can't. I'm sorry. 124 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:30,060 I could do a lot for a girl like you, you know. Why don't we talk about around 125 00:28:30,060 --> 00:28:31,060 at my place? 126 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,260 I'm sorry. I'm busy tonight. 127 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,040 Kids, don't give me that hard -to -get stuff. 128 00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,220 I mean, I've been around, you know what I mean? 129 00:28:39,580 --> 00:28:40,620 Okay, I understand. 130 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,800 You want to have dinner first. 131 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:44,240 That's okay. 132 00:28:44,300 --> 00:28:46,000 I'll see you around about 11 o 'clock. 133 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:50,160 I'm sorry, really. I have other plans for tonight. 134 00:28:50,819 --> 00:28:53,680 More important than spending the night with Superstud? 135 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:56,560 Oh, come on. What the hell are you doing that's so damn important? 136 00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:01,140 I'm chairing a meeting to decide who's going to be made redundant here. 137 00:29:06,260 --> 00:29:10,200 Well, now, look, I don't want you to think that I'm the sort of person who 138 00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:13,600 coerce a junior fellow employee, you know what I mean, or even a superior, 139 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,240 because that's not my bag at all. I mean, I'm not your average run -of -the 140 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:20,140 -mill male chauvinist pig, you know. I respect women. 141 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,540 I really do. I think women should not take it lying down. I say take it lying 142 00:29:23,540 --> 00:29:27,600 down. I mean the women have rights. I really think the women have rights. 143 00:29:28,420 --> 00:29:31,440 And they stand up for those rights. I'm going to fight to the death, you know, 144 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:32,800 to respect those women's rights. 145 00:29:57,960 --> 00:29:58,960 Thank you for the bread and water. 146 00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:05,960 Ladies and gentlemen, you know, people often ask me, you know, they say, what's 147 00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:09,500 it like, what's it really like being an international sex symbol? 148 00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:15,840 And they say, it must be a lot of fun. And I say, well, not necessarily. 149 00:30:16,060 --> 00:30:19,100 I mean, there are times that you could see me and you wouldn't think it was a 150 00:30:19,100 --> 00:30:25,920 lot of fun when I'm sort of banging away at my typewriter, trying to finish 151 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:26,649 the script. 152 00:30:26,650 --> 00:30:30,850 the show in time, trying to keep awake sometimes until half past three, four o 153 00:30:30,850 --> 00:30:31,850 'clock in the afternoon. 154 00:30:33,850 --> 00:30:37,490 And then they say, oh, all those girls, Ben, aren't you lucky, all those girls. 155 00:30:37,590 --> 00:30:39,810 I bet you get plenty of OB joyful, eh, Ben? 156 00:30:40,450 --> 00:30:44,070 Bet you get your share, eh? I bet you would have birds around it like knives. 157 00:30:45,610 --> 00:30:50,450 Ladies and gentlemen, I have been working with dancers since I was 16 158 00:30:50,970 --> 00:30:52,570 That's 30 years. 159 00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:02,580 say in all honesty with my hand on my heart that I have never once laid a hand 160 00:31:02,580 --> 00:31:04,020 on one of those girls. 161 00:31:04,740 --> 00:31:06,560 I think her name was Sandra. 162 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,540 I'm not absolutely sure. 163 00:31:11,100 --> 00:31:15,520 And then they'll say, you know, oh, I suppose after the show in your spacious 164 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:18,240 dressing room you have big glamorous champagne parties. 165 00:31:18,580 --> 00:31:19,920 Spacious dressing room? 166 00:31:20,140 --> 00:31:23,940 That room is so small the RSPCA condemned it. 167 00:31:25,160 --> 00:31:27,000 They said there wasn't room to swing a cat in it. 168 00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:32,700 If somebody comes in quickly, the door handle either insults you or injures 169 00:31:32,780 --> 00:31:34,920 depending on which way you're facing. 170 00:31:39,100 --> 00:31:40,860 There's one chair in there. 171 00:31:41,140 --> 00:31:42,800 It's called a bentwood chair. 172 00:31:43,620 --> 00:31:47,300 It's not a bentwood chair. It's a bentwood chair. 173 00:31:48,620 --> 00:31:50,200 It's walked by the damp. 174 00:31:51,220 --> 00:31:53,520 They caught a trout in the mousetrap last week. 175 00:31:57,390 --> 00:32:01,510 hanging from the ceiling like a cow's udder, only not so bright. 176 00:32:04,030 --> 00:32:06,410 I didn't know you could get three watt bulbs. 177 00:32:08,890 --> 00:32:12,990 Next door in the gents, there is no bulb at all and hasn't been for the last 178 00:32:12,990 --> 00:32:13,990 three shows. 179 00:32:14,170 --> 00:32:17,650 Can you imagine what it's like standing there holding a lighted match in one 180 00:32:17,650 --> 00:32:18,650 hand? 181 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:27,820 feel your way round the wall to the appointed place. 182 00:32:28,220 --> 00:32:31,440 You always know when you're at the appointed place there's a sign that 183 00:32:31,540 --> 00:32:33,900 Thames Television, we aim to please. 184 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,840 Underneath someone's written, will you aim too, please? 185 00:32:42,300 --> 00:32:46,940 You could always tell a man who works at Thames, mould his shoes in a rusty zip. 186 00:32:50,340 --> 00:32:51,660 Think about it. 187 00:32:53,220 --> 00:32:55,040 The man who thinks he's the director, 188 00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:01,320 He says, why don't you use the ladies? We all do. But be careful, there's no 189 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:02,320 locks on the door. 190 00:33:02,580 --> 00:33:05,260 I said, well, what do you do? He said, well, you sit down, put your foot 191 00:33:05,260 --> 00:33:06,260 the door and hold it. 192 00:33:26,090 --> 00:33:29,550 decided. I was invited to a festival recently, a festival of dubbed and 193 00:33:29,550 --> 00:33:32,810 subtitled television shows, and some of the translations you just wouldn't 194 00:33:32,810 --> 00:33:37,630 believe. Out of sight, out of mind came out as short -sighted people are potty. 195 00:33:39,410 --> 00:33:43,870 He was bent on seeing her came out as the sight of her doubled him up. 196 00:33:44,950 --> 00:33:49,690 And the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak was translated as the whiskey's 197 00:33:49,690 --> 00:33:50,990 alright, don't order the steak. 198 00:33:52,130 --> 00:33:55,890 Anyway, here are one or two versions of some Out of the show. 199 00:34:26,610 --> 00:34:28,130 I don't know. 200 00:34:55,820 --> 00:34:56,840 This is the book of the chest. 201 00:34:58,260 --> 00:34:59,260 Come here. 202 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:01,260 Come here, I'll be the mayor. 203 00:35:01,860 --> 00:35:02,860 Come around. 204 00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:37,520 What the f - 205 00:38:27,479 --> 00:38:30,520 Ich bin blutenwelke nacket. 206 00:38:32,620 --> 00:38:35,480 Du schlupfst Zigaretten? Oh, ja. 207 00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,500 Ich habe denken das, wenn du wirst puffen und panten. 208 00:39:06,940 --> 00:39:08,340 Oh, 209 00:39:11,980 --> 00:39:12,980 yeah. 210 00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,500 Ich habe jetzt einen kolossalen Durst. 211 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:33,920 Aber hast du 50 pence? 212 00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:35,500 50 pi? 213 00:39:36,020 --> 00:39:37,020 Was? 214 00:39:38,060 --> 00:39:40,200 Hast du half ein quid? 215 00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:42,560 Half ein foot? 216 00:39:42,940 --> 00:39:44,480 Half ein knicker? 217 00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:50,860 Oh, Fräulein Diane, geht mir ginger beer für nix. 218 00:40:02,930 --> 00:40:04,270 Not milching the cows. 219 00:40:05,070 --> 00:40:06,950 Not milching the cows. 220 00:40:07,830 --> 00:40:11,770 Not a cow with a cow bell that goes ding -dang -ding -dang because the horns 221 00:40:11,770 --> 00:40:12,770 don't work. 222 00:40:15,790 --> 00:40:19,870 Not a cow with a ding -a -dang -a -dang -a -dang under the arse and put a milch. 223 00:40:20,410 --> 00:40:21,690 But they're plot cows. 224 00:40:22,110 --> 00:40:23,110 They start off cows. 225 00:40:32,010 --> 00:40:33,170 Ich liebe Fräulein Diane. 226 00:40:33,550 --> 00:40:37,690 Oh, Fräulein Diane, ich liebe dich. 227 00:40:40,210 --> 00:40:42,350 Nein, ich nicht liebe dich. 228 00:40:43,990 --> 00:40:46,130 Ich liebe Fräulein Diane. 229 00:40:46,670 --> 00:40:49,350 Ich denke, Fräulein Diane liebe dich. 230 00:40:53,350 --> 00:40:54,790 Eine ginger beer. 231 00:40:55,190 --> 00:40:57,570 Ich habe nicht Geld. 232 00:40:57,970 --> 00:40:58,970 Nicht Geld? 233 00:41:20,819 --> 00:41:21,819 Fünfzigpenstuck. 234 00:41:22,300 --> 00:41:23,860 Danke. Hier. 235 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,600 Hast du ein Fünfzig von Noten? 236 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:29,940 Danke. Benny, kommst du hier? 237 00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:33,120 Benny, kommst du hier? 238 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:34,360 Moment. 239 00:41:35,740 --> 00:41:37,040 Kommst du hier? 240 00:41:37,820 --> 00:41:39,860 No, ever so. Moment. 241 00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:45,020 Was wollen Sie denn? Was brauchst du? Benny, ja, hier. 242 00:41:45,300 --> 00:41:51,990 Du kannst haben diese schöne Breite. Silver, super, ben, 243 00:41:52,210 --> 00:41:53,630 air, da klar, duck. 244 00:41:54,410 --> 00:41:58,990 Oder diesen Schreck, muttig, kaputt, gut auf Papier. 245 00:41:59,490 --> 00:42:02,570 Du kann hab einer oder oder. 246 00:42:03,070 --> 00:42:05,570 Aber only einer. 247 00:42:06,290 --> 00:42:10,710 Ich kann nicht haben, der Schwein. Nein. Ich brauch nicht, der Schwein. Ich will 248 00:42:10,710 --> 00:42:16,210 nehmen, dieses Stück hier ist Silber. Es ist breit und schön und möglich und 249 00:42:16,210 --> 00:42:18,170 glücklich und lustig. Ich will gibt dazu. 250 00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:19,600 Oh, nein, Diane. 251 00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:23,600 Aber ich rat nicht, ob ich dich da auch nicht so fassen kann. 20085

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