All language subtitles for benny_hill_s05e05_1984

Now, then, these pains that you complain
of, be honest, they're all in your

head, aren't they?

Well, think of them in love.

I must say, it was very good of you to
agree to go Dutch this evening.

You don't mind going Dutch?

No, not at all. I've never eaten Dutch
food before.

come home for the summer.

Oh, and I'm gonna have me some fun.

Tell us about all the people you've met
and all of the things that you've done.

Now one day I thought in Girona by a
river so quiet and remote there were

lovely girls from the college and they
were all in the same boat.

But as they rode in unison by me, I
gallantly raised my hat and I said with

sigh, I wish that I could stroll the
crew just like that. But I'm glad I've

home for the summer.

Oh, and bird watching's gonna be fun.

I'm glad I've come home for the summer.

Now, the mate, the mate, the mate.

Now, the guy from Concord once ordered a
steak weighing nine and a quarter

pounds. The good three said, will you
take it, ma 'am, or shall I send it

She said, no, I just want to look at it,
because I've been dieting like a chump,

and that's what I've lost. I just want
to see what it looks like in one look.

Now,

Hannah from

Hamburg had four sets of twins. A
journalist paid her a call.

Always did twins every time. She said,
sometimes we get nothing at all.

My husband, he named the last set of
twins.

He called them Rudolph and Adolph. If I
get any more, I shall name them myself.

And I'll call them Get Off and Stay Off.

You'll get to be home on the summer.

To see the girl I adore.

Now when I marry my lovely Maria.

Maria? I'll be happy forevermore.

the feeling that something's wrong?

Jed. Yeah? You can't marry Maria.

I can't marry Maria?

In heaven's name, why not?

Why can't I marry

Maria? Oh, Jed.

promise to another man?

Look, I bought a ring and everything.

Look, here's a place to put a stone,
too. Look, ain't it funny?

But Jed, she's got Herbie's.

She has got what?

She's got Herbie's ring.

stole my gown, did you, you horse thief?

I'll have you know she's mine.

Not now, he ain't. Hey, don't I get any
say in all this?

Now, hush up, woman.

But I've got a perfect right.

You've got a perfect left.

But that's got nothing to do with it.

Why don't you fight for her?

Just to make it interesting.

and we got the bridge.

saw the advent of Breakfast TV, TV AM,
Channel 4, the video booth.

And now we await nationwide cable TV.

Now, who are the men responsible for the

production of their programs?

One of Britain's... One of Britain's
newest production companies.

This company is called Scuttlevision.

And I am hoping to talk with the man
behind it all, Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, viewers, and welcome to
Scuttlevision, the company which

brings you our quality programme.

What fighting project are you working on
now?

At the moment, sir, our new defective
series, Columbo Jack.

Columbo Jack? Columbo Jack. It's a cross
between Columbo and Kojak.

Does he suck lollipops? Or wear dirty
raincoats? He sucks dirty raincoats.

And his glamorous assistant, Bo
Entwistle.

Forty -six.

Nineteen. But nothing will grow in the
day, sir.

Anyway, you see, you can tell by his
physique that he's from our health for

program.

A keep fit program? It's called Fighting
Fit and Fit to Fight.

And it's hosted by none other than the
brown bomber himself, St. Bruno.

St. Bruno?

St. Bruno, the boxer, sir, yeah.

St. Bruno is a tobacco.

You mean Frank Bruno.

He's not a saint.

Are you going to tell him?

I'd need our physio -terrorists.

Yeah, yeah.

Physio... Physio -terrorists. We've got
three on the show, sir, actually.

Therapists. Not all of them, sir.

Not all the time.

The camera crew, yes.

But not them, sir. And then, of course,
you'll want to hear about our drama

series. Our blockbuster drama series
we've got, sir. But how can you compete

with a...

Big American production companies who
give us blockbusters like Flamingo Road,

Dynasty, or Dallas.

Well, I've seen Flamingo Road.

And Dinerot.

And that Falcon Crest.

And this.

And I've seen their nuts landing.

and dull ass.

But you haven't seen our Darlington.
That is the Darlington hotbed of

Yes, yes.

They've got their doings. And I've got
my doings.

The doings of Darlington.

Well, what do you have to replace tough
JR?

Sweet FA.

Sweet Fred Ackroyd, a shy and sensitive
used car salesman,

opens up the picture, sir. He's walking
all by himself across a moor, sir, and

he passes a bog.

He looks down at the bog, sir, and he
sees a ten -gallon hat.

He picks it up, and underneath is a ten
-gallon head.

He says, how long have you been there?
And the head says, I've been here for

four hours, and thank you for picking up
my hat.

Well, the first one who hasn't kicked
it.

And he says, are you all right down
there? He said, yes, it's all right. I'm

fine. I'm standing on the wife's
shoulder.

Now, it transpires, sir, that this chap,
sir, is an American army man.

millionaire. And he's wealthy.

Oh, he's rich beyond the dreams of
Arrowroot, sir.

He owns his own island, sir. He's got an
island just off the coast of Spain,

sir. One of that little group there, you
know, Mallorca, Midorca and all that

little lot there. He owns an island.

The lyrics.

It's true, sir.

He owns his own island, he does, sir,
yes.

But you see, he confides in trade, you
see, and he tells him that he has

invented the ultimate weapon.

He says it destroys people without...

disturbing the houses and the buildings,
you see, sir.

And Fred says, we got that in England.
It's called a mortgage.

You see, there's a little humicry thing,
you see, sir. Not a lot, but... I must

say, that sounds quite banal. I might
almost say soporific.

Oh, it's very kind of you to say that.

Listen, I think you're in for a treat.
Hang on, I'll show you.

Philip, would you put the...

Put the cassette into the video.

Watch my lips. Put the cassette into the
video.

What do you mean?

What's that?

Oh, left it behind.

I'm going to play about it.

in this gutter here, are you, sir?

In that gutter over there.

Have a tea about half past nine?

The British gentlemen and ladies men,
who have come here all the way from

London, from Edgwarestrasse, Tellwasser,

Gildersgroin, and Marble Arch, we

wish you a good body every evening.

And oh boy, have we got a show for you
tonight!

Have we got a show for you tonight!

Have we got a show for you tonight!

Two beautiful ladies who really
scintillate. Sometimes till ten.

Here with John John are Louise and Erika
in an attempt fantasy.

You are too beautiful, my dear, to be
true.

And I am too drunk with you.

I have this feeling that my arms that
hold you really caress you

too.

You are too beautiful for one man alone,
for one lucky fool to

be with.

When there are other men with eyes of
their own.

Love cannot stand sharing.

Not if one cares.

You won't be comparing.

My every kiss with her.

You know I care and I'll be faithful and
true. It's not the same.

You are too beautiful and I am too
proud.

effort goes

See the happy Sturgeonly, extra caviar.

Well, the octopuses group each other
sometimes, they go too far.

But the soul eats only once a year, then
sleeps back in his hole.

Which gives rise to the expression, poor
old soul.

Here's a little anecdote that's really
rather rude.

You've seen some chaps in Brighton go
twing in the news.

There's one old chap popped up and down,
I heard a passing...

Say, goodness, will you look at what
they're using now for bait.

Laying on the ocean bed. Laying by the
sea.

We all need a happy life swimming in the
sea.

joke is so funny it makes your boobies
fall off.

Oh, you heard it already.

There is an English doom cop staying at
a hotel in Germany and in the morning he

complains to the manager and he says, I
can't sleep in this hotel.

And the manager says, why not? He says,
because the train's going past.

All night long he says, the train's
going past and I can't sleep. And the

manager says, you are a doom cop.

The railway line is miles away. The
hotel is here. The railway line is over

there. How can you? Oh, I think I
understand.

You see, we here in Germany, we are, We
are rebuilding very, very fast. We build

houses all the time. And the workers are
very, very sincere workers. And they

work through the day and they work
through the night as well.

And what you think you hear is trains.
It's not trains at all. It is very

builders passing bricks to one another
and saying, Bitteschön, Dankeschön,

Bitteschön, Dankeschön.

gives them a big round of...

be comfortable.

Thank you.

with black hat, black shirt, and big
tie, but he's a black man. He is thought

be Fingers McNee.

thank you

Everybody drink.

Yeah, that's right.

Thank God for that. I thought I'd lost
it.