All language subtitles for benny_hill_s04e02_1980

Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show, with a
host of your favourite stars.

From England, Anthony Buley.

Poor old Brunella was built like a
fella, so she went round to see Dr Kerr.

said, now then, make haste, and when she
slipped to the waist, he could hardly

stop calling her sir.

Don't worry your head, I'm a surgeon, he
said. I'll graft you two on just like

that. Then he went and got plastered,
the silly old fool, and he drafted them

onto her back.

Now poor old Prunella, she can't get a
fellow to walk or to talk or romance

with, because no one wants to chat when
a girl looks like that, for by golly,

she's great fun to dance with.

And from Africa, the first name is
Scorn, William.

And here he is, the lad himself.

Betty, too!

Now, Johnny was a country boy. His
mother's side, his father's side.

he did seemed right somehow.

Why, he would help old ladies across the
road even when they didn't want to go,

and he'd always warm his hands before he
milked the cow.

On Monday, he'd go hunting there. On
Tuesday, he'd put on his underwear.

when he went on the river to try and get
trout to sell.

I've known that boy tittle a two -pound
trout, and then quick as a flash, just

whip it out. I've known him catch a girl
that way as well.

Now, at the Sunday school dinner, when
his fish was bad, he didn't get cross,

and he didn't get mad, or tell the
waitress to go.

chef to chuck his hand in.

He just looked up and he said, Miss, it
would seem to me that this is the piece

of cod that passes all understanding.

And the Finnish girls all sighed when he
went by. They said, Johnny, we love you

heaven knows.

I tell you that Johnny boy had it all. I
tell you, Johnny, he could fall into a

cesspit and come up smelling like a
rose.

You know, one day Johnny went to New
York town and there was temptation all

around. He saw a stall full of melons
and so he swiped one.

But he hadn't had it in his hand for
long when someone told him what he'd

was wrong.

So he put the melon back and took a ripe
one.

One night up in Central Park, he wrote,
don't lean in the dark. She had no rings

on her fingers or pearls around her
neck.

So he searched her body thoroughly.
Said, you got no money either, I see.

She said, keep searching, son, or I'll
write you out a check.

Sadie Trent took him to her home, and
when he left at 4 a .m., he said, well,

I'll be toddling off now, Sadie. She
said, now, just a minute, money, honey.

What about the money? He said, shoot, I
couldn't take money from a lady.

Now, ain't that Johnny boy real cute? He
sure has got a fine brain in his head.

Why, he could sell a nudist clothes or a
spring deskimo. I reckon he could even

sell the phone for double bed.

Johnny checked out with Sadie Trent in
an apartment which overlooked the rent,

and he had to have his drink. He would
not be denied it. One day when he was

high, he saw a sign that said, Drink
Canada Dry.

The damn fool went up there and he tried
it.

He came back a little bit under the
weather, found Sadie and his best friend

together. took out his gun and swore at
her something horrid. She stood rooted

to the spot with fear as that bullet
missed her ear by three inches and went

straight through her forehead.

In the courthouse, Judge McGee said,
Johnny boy, how do you plead?

Johnny stood up and his eyes were filled
with tears.

He said, I did not kill Sadie Trent.

As God is my judge, I am innocent.

He said, well, he ain't, but I am. And
you are, and you did. Thirty years.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I like it. Mmm, that's nice.

It shouldn't take long. Book a day for
Sandra, will you? All right, send him

How are we, bloody?

Nice brawn reading.

With a big blister.

That's nice.

That's nice.

Mr Chow Min.

Have you attended an industrial tribunal
before?

Oh, no.

And you'll abide by the decision of this
call?

Oh, yes.

You haven't brought a solicitor? No, I
have decided to tell the truth.

Now, you came to this country in 1961
looking for employment.

Knowledge.

You were looking for knowledge?

Oh, yes.

And did you find this knowledge?

Oh, yes.

Where? In Norfolk.

Why in Norfolk?

Because of that, where it is.

Oh, Norwich. Yay!

Stupid Rancashire trip.

And tell me, what were you doing there?

Flying.

Plane. Glider.

Kite.

No, ship.

You fly ships.

Oh, yes.

Surely you sail ships.

After you fly them.

You see, first of all, you fly the ship.

With the fish.

And then you sell them to the customer.

You worked in a tip shop.

Holy mackerel! Good idea!

Also worked in Bissell.

Bissell, yeah.

And in 1978, you opened your own
restaurant.

Yeah, it probably, not necessarily, but
probably best restaurant in whole great

Britain.

And when did you implement your
recruitment program?

Pardon? Get stuffed.

Watch it, Buffy. They'll punch our mouth
in a minute.

Oh, so sorry. Yeah, that was the last
year. That's what I mean. That stupid

area. Yeah.

Right. Well, we'd better have him in.
Now, he was sent to you by the

exchange to be a waiter in your tiny
restaurant.

Now, take a seat.

You are Mahmood Ram Singh.

Very frequently, madam.

You obviously don't come from London.

Oh, no. I come from a place many, many
miles from London.

And where is that?

Bradford.

What were your actual duties?

Oh, well, Sergeant Major, they were many
and numerous.

Oh, my God, he should have put more men
on the job. I was laying the tables, I

was cleaning the cutlery, and I even had
to clean the outside walls.

where jubilant delinquents had ridden
upon them with squirting tight...

squirting tight spray paint in...
Aerothon. It's true, I tell you.

No, he should have put more men on the
job.

He should have put more men on the job.
And I burnt my hand in the kitchen.

Well, how did you come to burn your
hand? Oh, no, no, no, kind Admiral. No,

did not come to burn my hand. I came to
cook a meal, only I burnt my hand.

And then he's going to try to serve to
the people there.

Who's Duvers?

Who's Duvers? I don't know who's Duvers
they were.

They was like little brat proms. They
were olives.

I thought they was yeast for them.

Did this establishment have the usual
amenities?

Amenities? Oh, they served amenities,
very amenities.

Humanities, why, you know written.

Don't you know the Queen's English?

Oh, I'm sure he is.

You see, I make many chutneys and
copperdums, you see. I could tickle your

palate, and this has never been tickled
before.

And I'm sure it's been tickled many,
many times.

Well, he couldn't even fix the lube
bulb.

The lube bulb? Oh, the bulb in the lube.
No, the lube bulb is like bloodshot

celery.

Yay! You make a lupin pie four feet long
and two inches wide.

Well, you should have put more men on
the job and make a delicious repast. It

was couscous.

Couscous? It's more like puss -puss.

Oh, we Britishes, we don't want to eat
that fallen monk.

He cooked the inside of it. He actually
cooked the inside of the animal. Try it.

Awful. Radiable.

All right, all right. But what about
him? What about him? He make egg for

Oh, egg for young. It's not egg. It's
not young. It's just food.

He make a curry.

Curry? Yeah, Soviet curry.

Soviet curry? Yeah, everybody go rush
into the room.

So they got to drop these.

Was he an efficient waiter?

Efficient waiter. Two ladies come in one
day. One lady say, drop three twice. He

say, I heard you the first time.

Then a lady say, she want a pair of
teeth. He take out his dentures and put

on his face.

Dentures that I pay for. I say, put them
back. And he put them back. And then he

laugh at me. He laugh at me with my own
teeth.

And then I say to him, why you no make
fish cakes? Well, he make fish cakes.

And he put a marzipan on top.

Here we are.

Wait, wait, wait. What about him? He
said I would have an eye -level grill.

Well, it is an eye -level grill if you
kneel down and eat.

He's mean, you see. I tell you what.

He makes me turn the gas off when I turn
the bacon over.

But it's filthy.

Filthy. He doesn't mind when they cut
off the gas. Oh, no.

He sets fire to the grease.

He didn't even stop the talking. But it
wasn't empty.

He took two hours to pluck a rabbit.

Oh, that's good, that rabbit pie. It's
rabbit pie. Oh, that's got hot flesh in

it. Well, a little bit, maybe.

Fifty -fifty.

Fifty -fifty. One horse, one rabbit.

What sort of tips did you get?

Tips? Well, didn't the customers leave a
tip? They didn't even leave the knife

and fork.

Because they wasn't satisfied with the
service they provided. They didn't put

non -men on the job. Well, now, after
due deliberation, we have decided there

a case for unfair dismissal. And we are
going to award Mr.

Singh ten weeks' wages.

Ten weeks' wages?

Sixty -five quid?

An inconvenience fee of 25 pounds. So we
are going to award Mr. Singh 90 pounds.

Oh, that's okay, yeah. If I can afford
it, I'll give him a couple of quid as

well.

You have to give it to him.

He'll give me all that money? Well, what
for?

To help support his wife and children.

Oh, excuse me, dear madam.

Despite love and affection and a great
deal of strenuous effort on my part, My

wife and I do not have any children.

Oh, there's only one thing you can do
then, isn't there? But... Put more men

the job!

Well, hello, everybody.

What do you do?

We got some information that we're going
to lay on you. Going to show you the

latest and the greatest...

We'll be down in next year. Now, here's
a little outfit you don't wear when it's

cold. Then you really just look it sort
of low and behold.

When you see him from the back, it's
like he's trying to get out of his head.

When they go on holiday or when they're
going to work, they're going out

playing.

Now let's see what the boys are sporting
this month.

Thank you. Champagne, caviar, hope for
your expensive

car.

Sandor and Lulu, which ladies with a few
bejewels.

See you in one minute.

or on the beach, our ladies have
impeccable taste.

Like the boys, they are always cool and
sophisticated.

As lay boys show us their trendy street
outfits.

Sam and Louise show us their newest
disco suit.

They can be worn with the belt or
equally attractively without the belt.

And here's Claude in his leisure suit.

It's handy for the smoker, also for the
non -smoker.

If the evening gets warm, he slips it
off, revealing a rather daring backless

shirt. His outfit, like the girls, can
be worn with the belt or equally well

without the belt.

And now for our pièce de résistance.

The bride and the groom ready for the
happiest days and

nights of their lives.

Given the chance, he knew that he'd be
good at it.

Some people said that he was full of
humour.

While others thought that he was full of
wit.

Here, darling, how about coming in
there, eh?

Have a jig around the old Maypole.

Or the Omen Colonial, if you'd rather.

I'm the jester, I'm, I'm, he chuckles
for me now. I'm doing all jokes, you

Like I say, who's 45 years old and
sleeps with cats?

And they say, I don't know. And I say,
Mrs. Cat.

you being stuck in there? How can you
start me applause if you're stuck in

there?

I'd be out in half an hour.

Would you scratch my nose for me?

Oh, love me.

Would you mind scratching me?

No, I won't.

Was it the squire's daughter again, was
it, eh?

Uh -huh. And where did they find the
perrier this time?

In the doorway.

Oh, Paddy, I keep telling you, never do
it again.

It was a bit of common.

I don't know, mate. You just don't
think, do you? I mean, look at you. Last

week, you went and broke into the
silversmith and stole all the lead off

roof.

Your uncle bought you a lovely parrot
for Christmas and I said, what's it

And you said, delicious.

You ate it, you cooked it, you put it in
the oven. That was a talking parrot.

That parrot could talk.

Well, why didn't it say something?

than boys.

Well, you didn't want to stay where you
were, did you?

Oh, look at that!

Like a chest of drawers with a second
drawer halfway up.

I'd rather see her stark naked than
Henry VIII in full dress uniform.

Oh, there's two of them there. That
makes four.

and praying for a crop failure in the
morning.

I don't know, Paddy. Sometimes I don't
know.

Hello,

Tommy. What's up with him? Oh, him? Oh,
he's got a flucky.

He's got a what?

He's got a flucky.

He's got a flucky.

He's only got to do half hour more.

I say, is this Plattsbottom? No, it's
not. It's mine.

Well, you don't start from there.

Well, which direction is it?

I don't know.

Me neither.

You're not very bright, are you?

No, but we ain't lost.

Do you want salt?

Oh, please.

Pepper?

Please.

Vinegar?

Thank you for the tip.

Here. You're not allowed to eat your own
food here.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know that.

Pack it in.

Do you want to get me into trouble?

Yeah, what time do you knock off?

I'll be going off soon. You've been
going off for years, you have.

Oh, don't talk to her like that. She's a
real treasure.

Well, what do you want to dig her up
for?

Indeed. Well, you was born inside out
then, weren't you?

Well, all sisters under the skin.

Well, get back under your skin and send
your sister out.

I've never been so insulted in all my
life.

You must have been.

I say, you're a chirpy chuckle, aren't
you? Who wants to know?

Do you know who I am?

Why, have you forgotten?

I am Lord Belfort, scouring the
countryside to find a new jester for the

A royal jester? I'm on in a minute. I'm
doing a turn in a minute.

I'm going to get ready. Don't go away.
Don't go away.

Here.

What happened to the old jester?

He's gone.

Where has he gone?

Well, that depends on what kind of life
he led.

You didn't do so well, did you?

Well, it wasn't my fault. It was that
rotten act I had to follow, wasn't it? I

mean, they were so lousy that halfway
through my act, everybody remembered how

rotten they were and started booing them
again, didn't they?

They were booing you.

They wasn't all booing. Some of them was
cheering.

They were cheering the booing.

Booing the experience.

She stood on the bridge at midnight.

Her face was all a quiver. She gave a
cough. Her leg fell off and floated down

the river.

Here,

I bought my girl some gardeners. They
cost me one and ten.

She gave them to her mother. I shall see
them again.

And this is the Duchess of Whitbread.

Hello, darling.

Your Grace, Your Grace, say, Your Grace.

For what I'm about to receive, may the
Lord let go.

Oh, my God, why did he choose us? He'll
just have to do.

or your very eyes, I will improvise a
song about those who are assembled here.

Now, some may smile and some defy me and
ask for you, old blimey. I've seen

better eggs than half a pint of beer.

Well, thank you, nuns. Now, over by the
door is the mother superior.

Now, I don't mean to say that she's a
superior mother.

She's a nun, which means you'll get none
of this and none of that. And you

certainly won't get none of the other.

A little farther down. I see little
farther down. As religious a man as

found. He keeps himself to himself. He
keeps the peace. He keeps the Sabbath.

And he keeps everything else that he
sees lying around.

Oh, when he was born, the prince had a
face that made you wince. He was so ugly

that when his mummy took him upstairs to
bed, she put the nappy on his head. And

I'd hate to tell you where she stuck the
dummy.

Now, the king.

Now... How do you suppose the king got
that long red nose? Well, long red nose

is running his family.

He can stir his tea with that, he's not
to be stiffed at, and he can open the

door with it when he's lost the key.

So, we...

I'll

give five shillings if you let me go.

And me good luck charm.

I could be out at the window and on that
cart in the wake, couldn't I? There's

no way you'll be leaving here tonight.

American Express?

A lot of things turned out not too well
for our comic friend.

But Chubby, by name and nature, keeps
joking to the end.

A message comes very free from the King
Chubby's head.

What a kiper.

Just chuck it in the basket, mate, and
I'll read it later.

From Hollywood comes The Fudbucket,
starring Helen Hornet and Elfie

I distinctly ordered flesh -colored
tights.

Well, that's what you got, honey.

Co -starring Orson Buggy as Joe.

What the hell's that for? That's for
being a lousy lover.

Special guest star, Mary Tyler Bathroom
as Jody. Oh, 1965, yeah, that was a

pretty good year.

It was for me.

It was the year I was born.

Special guest star's co -star, Olivia
Newton Thud as Kit.

You mean that your husband knows I'm
here with you?

Sure he does.

And he doesn't mind?

No, not at all.

I mean, where is your husband now?

Rubbing your bank.

Special co -star, special guest star,
Ivor Littlehampton as Grant.

I know you're down there making that
damn boat, but you'll never finish it,

you, butterfly brain?

Yesterday, you started digging the
garden.

And Tiddled the Wonder Cat as Old One
-Eye.

This week's episode, God Bless My
Father.

When I was in hospital, he fitted the
guy in the bed next to me with a hot

pacemaker. Every time the guy sneezes,
the garage doors fly open.

When you were in the hospital, you made
me ashamed asking for the you -know

-what in that vulgar way.

How else can you call a mason? What kind
of a pot is it?

It's not a flower pot, is it?

It's not a cooking pot? No, it's a...
You should say... Please, may I

have a vase?

I did. I said to the mason, please, may
I have a vase? You know what she said?

How big's your bouquet?

I'll tell you something. Her brother
tells me that I got hay fever. Says I'm

allergic to pollen.

Tell you something, I've never been to
Poland in my whole life.

Forgive her, she's a little upset.

She can't figure out why our brother's
got two sisters and she's only got the

one.

Tell me, where is he now?

He's up in Maine, slaying.

Still working, huh?

Your brother's a saint, of course.

Fifty years old and chasing halfway
across the world with two 18 -year -old

chorus girls. I ask you, what kind of
life is that?

for a man.

And you can go with him for all I care.
I'll be okay. There's plenty more fish

in the sea.

Only your bait ain't what it was, is it?

And your peers collapsed.

I've given you the best years of my
life. What do you want, a receipt?

Look at this old coat.

It'll be long enough before you get
another one.

How do you want again, Harry?

Oh, you know what they say, lucky at
cards, unlucky in love.

No cheating, there's nothing up my
sleeve. And very little down your

Can I drop you out somewhere, Mrs.
Dobbs? Yeah, over the side of the

Bridge.

There.

Mrs. Dobbs made it specially for you.
It's a sponge cake.

That is a sponge cake?

I can only assume she calls that a
sponge cake because she borrowed all the

ingredients. Well, she didn't have any
of it, did she?

Oh, no, she's on a diet. She reckons
she's going to lose five pounds a week.

Oh, good. By next July, she'll be gone
altogether.

Gee, you're so cute.

Oh, come on, Cindy, watch it. You know,
I'm old enough to be your big brother.

Oh!

I quite like older men.

My boyfriend's nearly 26.

Gee.

I wish you were 20 years younger.

Why? Then you could take my mother out.

What about your father?

Oh, he's never home.

He's a naval man.

I'm a leg man myself.

Mind, I'm not a fanatic about it.

Would you mind if I popped out later?

Cindy, you can pop out any time you
like.

and get Sharon changed in two minutes.

I'd like to see you do it.

God, I'd like to see you do it.

George, it's beautiful.

Oh, George, it must have cost a fortune.

But what's Harry going to say?

Here's what you do. You take it to Grand
Central Station. Put it in the left

luggage. You give the ticket to Harry.

Tell him you found it.

Hey, it's a left luggage ticket, says
Harry.

I wonder what it can be, says you.

I'll pop a log and find out, says Harry.

You get the fur coat, and he don't
suspect nothing.

You're fabulous!

Ain't I, though?

Drink and think.

That's what killed your uncle.

Drink and think.

I didn't sleep with my wife before I got
married. Did you?

I can't remember. What was her maiden
name?

I'm asleep.

Wife not sleeping well, Mr.

Arbuthnot? No, it's the cats. They keep
her awake at night.

We never eat cats.

As far as I know.

What the hell is this?

I got it out of the cookbook. Good. It's
no right to be there in the first

place.

May I pass you the dobs, Mrs. Sugar?

Oh, fancy the sugar, Mrs. Dobbs.

Sweet to the sweet.

Would you care for some nuts?

Oh, um, oh, that reminds me.

Harry, you will remember to go around
past the station and find out what that

ticket was for.

Oh, I got it for you, honey. Did it this
morning. Picked it up only this

morning, yeah. Oh.

It was an old broken umbrella. It was no
good. I threw it away.

Well, I'll be off now.

Night, all.

Go in somewhere.

Go get me some water.

And they took over the West.

Rubbing and romancing were the thing
that they did best. Sometimes laughing,

sometimes hating for the dirty things
they did.

One of them was from Cavity.

And the other was from that kid.

From that kid.

The raindrops keep falling on my head.

And just like the guy whose feet are too
big for his bed, nothing seems to fit.

Those raindrops are falling on my head.
They keep falling.

So I just did me some talking to the
sun.

And I think he's done sleeping on the
job.

The rain drops keep falling on my head.
They keep falling.

But there's one thing I know.

The blues they send to meet me won't
dissipate me.

It won't be long till happiness steps
down to greet me.

The rain drops keep falling on my head.

And the band has came.

Thank you.