All language subtitles for benny_hill_s04e01_1980

Have there been any other men in your
life?

Yeah.

There was Harry and Joe and

Bill and then Frank and then Charlie and
then

Jack.

And then there was you.

And then there was not.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Betty Hills
girls.

They seek him here.

I see him there.

There are twinges that seek him
everywhere.

Has he gone underground?

Or under the window?

They're damned. They lose it.

Scarlet. Pimple.

YOU!

chubby dogs.

At the time, my late husband was the
head of the studios, and he had a

problem. He couldn't get enough of it.

His idea of outer space was anywhere
more than 30 yards from a bar.

He used to frequent this bar where the
barmaid was an old dragon, and he used

say, when she starts looking like Greta
Garbo, it's time to go.

and Chubby Dots took over, and when he
started looking like Clark Gable, my

husband signed him up for 25 years.

I remember the first picture he did was
the Western. God, the scenery was

beautiful, but Chubby Dots kept standing
in front of us.

See ya.

I'll show you my 38th if you show me
yours.

champion dog catcher of Hazard County?

Your brother's got a wooden leg. I know
that.

Well, how do you run after dogs with a
wooden leg?

You don't have to. He just stands on the
street corner and they come to him.

We're ready for the wedding night scene,
Mr. Lotto.

Gambling with a chimpanzee.

Knowing that Chubby's drawing power as a
star was

negligible, the studios, in their
infinite wisdom, decided to team him

Curly Dimple, a 10 -year -old Muppet who
many people said, quite unfairly, was a

40 -year -old midget.

But here in Hollywood, they say the
tits.

They say the tits.

Unwise to act with children and animals,
but acting with children held no fears

for chubby dogs.

Uncle Jed, Uncle Jed, I'm so unhappy.

My mommy's dying. My daddy's face has
been taken by the ultrasound. All right,

baby, baby.

where it is often said that they
separate the men from the boys with a

The studio is careful to project a
masculine image.

I like Chubby Dodge, you know. He was a
man's man like I am, huh?

I don't normally share billing because
I'm a star.

But I didn't mind in his case because we
both like the ladies. Know what I mean?

He used to tell them he'd run out of
petrol. Not overly original.

On the dodging?

I used to have meals with a man
appealing to platefuls of spaghetti.

I remember one night in Sardis that if I
have any more spaghetti and I burp, I'm

going to lasso a waiter.

And drink, God, he would drink 15 beers
a night.

He lived life with a big L. And
sometimes he suffered pain with a big P.

By now, rumors were rife about a romance
between Chubby and one of the studio's

contract players.

Oh,

yes. Of course, her name was... Her name
was the Victoria.

She was named after your Queen Victoria.

And not so damn long after either.

I remember the first film they... did
together was the Western and got the

dialogue. You know, she had to say,
you're not in love with me, you're in

with your six -shooter.

Can you imagine that? Chubby Doll's in
love with his six -shooter.

Fond of it.

Well, maybe it's a little, you know, but
of course, her uncle owned the studios.

She got her job through relatives.

So did your queen.

I mean, be fair.

The problem with Chubby Dolls is he got
too rich too quickly.

Couldn't pick up a golf club without
spitting on his hands first.

Used to invite the neighbors aboard his
yacht.

A lot of stars have a yacht. In the
swimming pool.

Who but Chubby Dolls would feed his
goldfish ant eggs?

Fried in butter.

Then he met Victoria V. Oi, is that a
woman? Is that a woman?

That's what people kept asking. Is that
a woman?

But Chubby told her.

Oh, he used to kiss her hand like there
was gravy on it.

So, obviously, he thought she was
attractive.

Well, is he a like Picasso or you don't?

In an effort to cash in on the wedding,
the studio cast them together with Patty

Bottom in The Man Between.

Now, you just listen to me. Ask yourself
this question.

Do you really need him? Or should you?

Does he need you?

Of course he doesn't. Think?

He does.

But does he really?

No. Now, don't answer yes if you mean
no. Of course he does.

Not. So remember, be firm, be brave, be
resolute,

but above all, be consanguinical.

Well, I reckon you girls are taking this
woman's lip thing a little bit too far.

you know about anyway?

As it happens, I know plenty.

I'd only got to look at my parents to
see what another woman could do for a

marriage. I tell you, I've never told
anyone this.

played the queen.

Well, that's understandable.

And poker.

I'll tell you, after three years, he
used to look just like St. George with

drag on.

He used to always complain that the
laundry was a shrink in his shirts, and

day he sent him a 12 -inch nail with a
note saying, shrink that.

They sent back a team tag with a note
saying, we did.

I'll tell you, him and his wife thought
they was always fighting and the feuding

and the cussing.

I tell you, if it wasn't me and him, it
was me and her. It was always me and

him. Is that why you left? No, I left on
account of my conscience.

I figured I was doing two horses out of
a jar.

You see, the trouble was he drank a lot,
and I've never done that. I've never

drunk straight.

I spill most of the damn stuff.

Oh, how anybody can drink that? I'll
never know.

He used to drink bourbon laced with...

Master Oil, what they call a pile
driver.

And we did everything we could for him.
I mean, we really did. I mean, I even

put on this historical concoction of
his.

Did he have to be concocted? He
concocted up. I'll tell you that for

Hiya, Van.

Say, how's your ear?

Pardon? I said, how's your ear coming
off?

Okay, Mona, could you give us a smile?

Mona, could you give us a little smile?

Oh, sacred blue, Mona, can we have a
little smile? Oh, my God, Van.

Right.

In an effort to get some value out of
this liability, the studio even let him

direct himself.

It was on this film that he died.

And he died on the set while the cameras
were running.

And, according to his wife, he didn't
die very well.

Who is he?

It's me, Sam Gosworth.

Come in.

Natasha?

Ah, you're looking... You're looking as
lovely as ever, I see.

Nice of you to say so.

No, I mean it.

You've changed.

Have I?

You have.

You're doing pretty well, I see.

Natasha! Yes?

Ah, that was lovely. Some coffee,
please? No, thank you very much indeed.

No, what... Ah!

Natasha!

A grateful studio gave Buster James the
starring role.

Since then, he's never looked back.

Chubby Dodds was buried a mile from this
swamp area where he was born.

But even this desolate marshland is
still part of Hollywood.

Hollywood where one minute you're up and
starring, and the next minute you're

down and out.

Midnight, we go slowly in the heart of
men. We need your attention.

They might feel the bed is so warm. They
might feel the

bed is so warm.

I take my final drink to boogie on the
bed.

I do wish my husband wouldn't leave his
things all over the place.

Good evening and welcome to Women's List
Television.

And I see that at 6 .15 this evening we
have another edition of Mrs. and Mr.

At 8 o 'clock, Woman Alive will be
dealing with the practice of husband

swapping. At 9 o 'clock we have the
final of Mistress Mind.

At 10 o 'clock it's time for the
competition.

to find another Mr. World.

And we have now our very

own Sale of the Century.

Yes, it's Sale of the Century.

And tonight, this all -purpose carpet
cleaner in the shops at £70 is on offer

for just £3 .50.

This handsome bed warmer, value £200,
yours for £5.

And now let's meet the lady with the
questions, Liquid Art Carpet.

Good evening, everyone.

Thank you so much. And right away, we're
going to meet our first contestants.

First of all, we have Miss Sue Updike.

We also have Miss Helen Hornet from
Barnes and La... And by all means,

We have Stan Moore from Romford. No, Ron
Moore from Stanford.

They're going to get a surprise when
they open the coffin and find you gone,

aren't they?

God, look at that face.

It looks like it's worn out two bodies.

to look like that? Was it drink and
debauchery, was it?

No, nothing like that. I always had a
very quiet life.

What a pity.

You haven't even enjoyed getting to look
like that.

Right, Harry, get on with the questions.
Now, here's the first question. What is

one woman talking?

A monologue.

And two women talking?

A chat -a -love.

One pound away.

Don't get cocky, sunshine.

What does it mean when a carpet is in
mint condition?

As brand new.

No, it has a hole in the middle.

Another pound away.

What sort of people eat cow's eggs?

People who live on the Isle of Wight.

A lady wants a pretty but expensive
dress.

What does the perfect fiancé do? Talk
her out of it or buy it for her?

He buys it for her.

He talks her out of it.

Both.

Well done.

And you will be.

What is a wink?

A weather signal.

Spell weather.

W -E -T -H.

That's the worst spell of weather we've
had all year.

Now then, after the first, a man gets
tired.

After the second, he's fatigued. After
the third, he's exhausted.

Why doesn't he stop after the first?

Because he lives on the fourth floor.

I live on the ground floor.

That doesn't surprise me at all.

Now, shall we have a look and see what
we have on our instant open sale?

And on offer tonight, these two... This

one... This easily assembled kitchen
table unit.

It comes with all parts interlocking and
is ready for painting in

whatever your favorite color has to be.

Hello, Arthur.

How can you do surprise me? Where are
all these pirates for women?

What about me?

There was the kitchen table.

It broke.

It was approved by the British Safety
Council.

Yes, and so is a Titanic.

Let's get on.

Don't you lower your voice to me.

Just because I'm a man.

Oh, is that what you are? I couldn't see
the label from here.

Are you trying to make a monkey out of
me? I never interfere with nature.

Right, now the questions go up to five
pounds. What does it mean when a man is

bald at the front?

He's a great thinker. And when he's bald
at the back?

He's a great lover.

And when he's bald all over?

He's a great thinker and a great lover.

No, he thinks he's a great lover.

One is dark brown and only has three
leaves a year.

A Pakistani soldier.

What are the three fastest means of
communication?

Telephone, telegram... And telephone.

Telegraph, five pounds away, sorry.

Walter Drums wrote many pieces for
percussion.

What did he get for his timpani piece?

Two five -pony pieces?

Trick question, that one was.

Well, now, I see that, Patrick, now it's
between Sue and Ron Moore from

Stanford. So here now is the next
question. How much... No, no, I'm going

carry on because I've started.

How much water should you put into a
four -egg omelette?

A dessert spoonful.

Heat or level?

Heat.

What a pity.

And so, Sue Updike, you have won. Will
you join me now for the sale of the

century?

Well, there it is, Sue. Hey!

I've got more than she has.

That's a sweat. Sorry, Sue, he does have
a point, and I don't just mean his

head. I'm sorry. Well, it gives me very
great pleasure to give you this brand

new 1980 Morris Mini Miner Windscreen
Wiper.

And here you are.

And here are the boys with Bobby and
Henry and Lord Roger.

And we have hockey. Yes, it's Putney
ladies now at the ball as they race

the brimstone goal. And they've gored!
In the first minute, Putney ladies are a

goal up and... Oh, they're still going
to strike. We are returning

to the studio.

We have mixed golf.

Mrs. Rombo is looking supremely
confident.

. .

.

. . .

I understand I know.

is actually Tompkins. She's a cool one,
I'm not mistaken. Look at that.

I've never known her to get hot flushes
or gay cross or gossip. She's a good

girl. There she is.

of veteran goalkeeper Hazel Knott.

His goalkeeper, Hazel Knott, looking
very fetching in her peasling jumper,

she tells me she knitted herself.

I'm assured that...

titty -top, looking very cool indeed as
he went to my hippie feet.

It would be a great pleasure to present
this trophy to you and to place it in

the hands that have often been said to
be as safe as the fangs of England.

It is not.

Gold Table of the Year, we salute you.

Now we're in for a real treat.

Don't do that, Sandra.

Charlene's angel.

Once upon a time, there were three
little boys who went to the police

But they just got bored with the
routine.

is Charlie.

We're here, Charlie, looking as adorable
as ever.

Is that a Picasso?

No, it's a Cipollata.

Oh, I see.

He was there during his blue period.

Well, you could see he wasn't happy when
he painted that.

Scotch mist.

I haven't had a job all day.

Give me a hand, please.

Well, they might have let it finish
eating its apple before they killed the

thing.

Three beans on toast.

Three beans on toast here.

Right.

Two dollars for me?

What are you trying to do, to dupe me?