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1
00:00:11,630 --> 00:00:12,630
Good evening.
2
00:00:13,270 --> 00:00:16,309
Yes, I think we should ask ourselves
this question.
3
00:00:16,930 --> 00:00:22,830
Knowing what we now know, shouldn't we
insist that those who cannot afford the
4
00:00:22,830 --> 00:00:28,010
kind of life that we enjoy have a wage
rise long before ourselves?
5
00:00:29,090 --> 00:00:33,210
And you know, I think I know what your
answer will be.
6
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:44,570
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny
Hill Show.
7
00:00:44,850 --> 00:00:47,450
And here is Benny Hill.
8
00:00:51,430 --> 00:00:56,770
Now when I was a lad, life wasn't so
bad. We had that big house on the hill.
9
00:00:57,210 --> 00:01:02,370
Me dad wore a suit and we even had fruit
on the sideboard when no one was ill.
10
00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:08,150
Poor Jenny Hogg, she lived on the bog,
so wet that her sheep kept on sinking.
11
00:01:08,510 --> 00:01:12,690
Her old man used to tell her to run
round with the umbrella and stop all
12
00:01:12,690 --> 00:01:13,750
wool from shrinking.
13
00:01:14,250 --> 00:01:17,190
Oh, let's drink a toast to the
gamekeeper's daughter.
14
00:01:17,390 --> 00:01:22,250
One look at her and my niece turned to
water. Now that she's gone, I miss her
15
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:27,470
like mad. She taught me so much when I
was a lad. Now old Teddy Sparks says she
16
00:01:27,470 --> 00:01:30,650
can quote Marx, but he don't mean Carl,
he means Arpo.
17
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,560
Her dad is a fool and her mum was so
cruel she was twice drummed out the
18
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:41,640
Gestapo. She failed miserably at
geography or at spelling or doing a
19
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:46,980
Tell me where take me toward her is the
Indian border she said on the sofa with
20
00:01:46,980 --> 00:01:47,980
mum.
21
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:52,840
Let's drink a toast to the gamekeeper's
daughter. One look at her and my knees
22
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:57,700
turn to water. Now that she's gone I
miss her like mad. She taught me so
23
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:02,380
When I was a lad, oh, she once gave an
actor a ride in her dung cart. They
24
00:02:02,380 --> 00:02:03,920
passed three trucks and a tractor.
25
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:09,139
Each time she was asked what she'd got,
she'd reply, I can't load a dung in an
26
00:02:09,139 --> 00:02:13,860
actor. Oh, the next time it happened,
the actor's face red and he said, Miss,
27
00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:15,060
bear you no ill will.
28
00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:20,680
But the next time anyone asks what
you've got, do you mind if I top the
29
00:02:23,370 --> 00:02:24,289
keeper's daughter.
30
00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:29,090
One looked at her and my niece turned to
water. Now that she's gone, I miss her
31
00:02:29,090 --> 00:02:33,930
like a lad. She taught me so much when I
was a lad in a meadow one night. She
32
00:02:33,930 --> 00:02:37,450
said, you treat me right and I'll drive
you out of your mind.
33
00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:42,430
We lay in the clover and when it was
over, she said, now it's your turn to be
34
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:48,070
kind. Well, I'd only a tatter and so
with a stammer I gave it to her there
35
00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:53,040
then. She looked at me strange and said,
I haven't got change. You'll have to do
36
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,040
it again.
37
00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,400
Oh, let's make it toast as the game
keeps on going.
38
00:02:57,940 --> 00:03:04,480
Now that she's gone, I miss her like
mad. She taught me so much when
39
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:05,480
I...
40
00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:19,210
Thank you very much indeed, ladies and
gentlemen. It's very nice to be with you
41
00:03:19,210 --> 00:03:22,250
all once again, and we're starting off
this evening with some more of those
42
00:03:22,250 --> 00:03:27,130
things that go wrong on television, like
only this afternoon I was dancing with
43
00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:30,690
Jenny Lee Wright, and unfortunately she
tripped, and I grabbed hold of her
44
00:03:30,690 --> 00:03:36,810
corset, and I... I grabbed hold of her
corset, not always...
45
00:03:36,810 --> 00:03:42,950
Could you... I thought you were going to
hold... I'm sorry, do you mind... Can
46
00:03:42,950 --> 00:03:44,670
we go again, please? No, I thought you
were going to hold... We're going to go
47
00:03:44,670 --> 00:03:45,690
across the ledge. I wanted...
48
00:03:48,860 --> 00:03:51,760
Have some more champagne, my dear.
49
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,080
Oh, let me, darling.
50
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:54,360
All right.
51
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,880
What a sly little minx you are, to be
sure.
52
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,140
Pretending that you had never been to
Heidelberg before.
53
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,520
Well, Prost, my dear.
54
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:14,920
Here's to your lovely eyes.
55
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:24,460
Oh, is that my contact lens? I've been
looking for that.
56
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,120
Honestly,
57
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:28,520
honestly, Dennis.
58
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,240
I've got my tongue on that.
59
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,150
I'm coming down.
60
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:14,920
Was it, uh... Was it him?
61
00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:16,380
Don't be silly.
62
00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:20,920
Oh, my darling, not the eye.
63
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,620
All the feeling that you want me.
64
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:32,360
It's not funny.
65
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,840
I don't have to do that. Keith!
66
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:36,960
It's not funny, you know.
67
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,880
Get out. Get out. Get out. No.
68
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,059
Get out.
69
00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:43,720
Of course I... I remember.
70
00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:45,340
Everything?
71
00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:48,020
Yes, I think so.
72
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,600
Oh,
73
00:05:50,220 --> 00:05:55,900
how you climbed on my shoulders and
stood there for hours signalling the
74
00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:56,900
name.
75
00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:00,840
No, I shall never forget your great...
76
00:06:43,850 --> 00:06:46,590
started taking down his trousers and
getting his... Dirty, filthy bitch!
77
00:06:48,790 --> 00:06:50,530
Couldn't you learn to love me?
78
00:06:52,690 --> 00:06:53,690
Love you?
79
00:06:54,390 --> 00:06:56,490
Oh, can't you see I'm a woman?
80
00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,470
Yes, I can see that. You know, when I
first met you, there was some forget.
81
00:07:00,710 --> 00:07:04,990
You see, I will never... Are you trying
to tell me something?
82
00:07:05,430 --> 00:07:06,750
Yes, I'm going to Australia.
83
00:07:07,030 --> 00:07:08,030
Australia?
84
00:07:09,110 --> 00:07:13,090
Do you think you'll be any more at home
there? I will be perfectly fine.
85
00:07:30,410 --> 00:07:33,150
your own keys. Never mind keys. Never
mind.
86
00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:12,850
Keep going again, Keith.
87
00:08:13,210 --> 00:08:16,630
Jumping down every five minutes and
bending. You know I'm supposed to bend
88
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:17,630
in my trouble.
89
00:08:19,190 --> 00:08:21,370
Nobody against me. You're all against
me.
90
00:08:22,010 --> 00:08:24,170
If only things could be as they were.
91
00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:25,409
How do you mean?
92
00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:26,410
You've changed.
93
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:27,650
Have I? You have.
94
00:08:27,870 --> 00:08:28,849
Let me look.
95
00:08:28,850 --> 00:08:29,890
Be my guest.
96
00:08:30,230 --> 00:08:32,590
I want to remember them just as you are.
97
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:18,240
West End, where only last Tuesday they
saw the opening of the very latest
98
00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:25,140
addition to the night item of London,
the Fun Boy Club. And here with me is
99
00:09:25,140 --> 00:09:30,360
man behind it all, Fred Scuttle. Good
evening, sir. Good evening, all you jet
100
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:31,360
-set swingers.
101
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:36,260
And welcome to Scuttle's exclusive Fun
Boy Club.
102
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,500
Exclusive? Yes, it's exclusive, sir.
Yes, yes.
103
00:09:40,860 --> 00:09:45,220
Tell me, what are the incumbent
qualities pertinent to this exclusivity?
104
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:46,560
I beg your pardon, sir?
105
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,000
What have I got to have before I can
join? 30 bob.
106
00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:54,860
You see, we want to keep the riff -raff
out, you see.
107
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:58,660
Because I intend becoming the Hugh
Hefner of Hounslow.
108
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,660
Are you going to emulate all his bunny
girls?
109
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:04,580
Not all of them, sir.
110
00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:07,120
Not with my back, you!
111
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,660
Well, you know, if I get excited, you'll
be back, you!
112
00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:12,370
I went then, sir. I'm sorry.
113
00:10:12,950 --> 00:10:17,290
What I actually meant was, I mean, are
all your girls going to be dressed as
114
00:10:17,290 --> 00:10:18,970
bunnies? No, sir. Teddy bears.
115
00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:20,409
Teddy bears?
116
00:10:20,410 --> 00:10:24,310
Very tasteful, sir. Yes, it's all sort
of little bodice. It's sort of like a
117
00:10:24,310 --> 00:10:26,370
religious dress, sir. Lo and behold.
118
00:10:31,010 --> 00:10:35,690
And it's very deep cut there and high on
there with a long suspender belt.
119
00:10:36,030 --> 00:10:37,670
Yeah, you're dribbling, sir.
120
00:10:39,950 --> 00:10:42,850
Very faithful, sir. What do these teddy
bears have to do?
121
00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:46,710
They welcome the male guest, you see,
sir. Oh, I see. They go out. A little
122
00:10:46,710 --> 00:10:50,650
teddy bear will go to the taxi door,
open the taxi door, and follow him at a
123
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,070
discreet distance into the club, you
see, sir. So no man ever feels he's
124
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,250
entering the club on his own.
125
00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:59,190
Never? Never, sir. I've never seen a man
come in here without a bear behind him.
126
00:11:01,250 --> 00:11:03,950
It's a tradition, you see, since last
Tuesday.
127
00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:09,810
Tell me, how many of these lovely,
delightful teddy bears do you have?
128
00:11:10,090 --> 00:11:11,890
At the moment, just the two, sir.
129
00:11:12,190 --> 00:11:13,730
Two? The wife and her mother.
130
00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:17,150
We are open to expand.
131
00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:18,570
Your mother -in -law.
132
00:11:18,910 --> 00:11:20,130
I'm not going to expand me mother -in
-law.
133
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:24,470
You know, just pick it up as it is. Oh,
I see what you mean. The fellas love
134
00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:27,410
her. The punters love me mother -in
-law. Yes, she knows all the latest
135
00:11:27,410 --> 00:11:31,390
cocktails. Oh, I see. She tells them...
She sells them in...
136
00:11:32,319 --> 00:11:33,440
In the bar, sir.
137
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:34,980
Oh, yes,
138
00:11:35,740 --> 00:11:36,740
indeed, sir.
139
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:38,020
No,
140
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,600
sir, you see, I mean, you could have a
vermouth with a cherry in it, sir,
141
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,960
martini with an olive in it. If you
like, you'd have a pint with a pickled
142
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:47,960
in it, sir.
143
00:11:48,260 --> 00:11:51,960
But in the bar, anything goes, sir. She
gives them complete blancmange.
144
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:55,300
Absolute charabagne in there, sir.
145
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,080
Could I get Cuba Libre in there? As a
newt.
146
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,940
No, no, what I meant was, could I have
something tall and cold with a lot of
147
00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:07,840
in it? Ah, we never let the wife go in
the bath.
148
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:10,660
She doesn't go in, not since the
accident.
149
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,680
She had one knocked over.
150
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,060
But she does the catering, you know,
sir. She does? Yes, she makes the old
151
00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:20,360
sausage rolls, sir, you know. With her
own hands? No, she uses chipolatas.
152
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,520
We do have a restaurant, sir.
153
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:29,480
We have a really, it's very continental
cuisine, sir. What we call a la commode.
154
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,000
Is it topless?
155
00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:37,360
It was, yes, but they were up after the
lead, you see, sir. And they were
156
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,900
finishing their soup six times, some of
them, because of the leak. And it wasn't
157
00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:41,900
leaked soup.
158
00:12:44,020 --> 00:12:49,660
Now, what I actually meant was, I mean,
are your waitresses topless?
159
00:12:50,190 --> 00:12:51,310
Oh, no, sir.
160
00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:54,170
Oh, we wouldn't have anything like that
in here, sir.
161
00:12:54,470 --> 00:12:58,130
Well, I mean, these girls, topless,
they've got to serve a full meal, sir.
162
00:12:59,270 --> 00:13:03,990
Hot things and... They've got to lean
across tables.
163
00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:07,990
I mean, you can ask a girl to take a
thumb out your soup.
164
00:13:12,330 --> 00:13:15,970
Not only that, sir, some of the ponters
that come in here are servicemen, you
165
00:13:15,970 --> 00:13:18,710
see, sir. Oh, I see. And they like to
dance with the girls. Yes.
166
00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:21,080
And some of these servicemen have got
medals.
167
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:26,120
And you can reckon on any week there's
bound to be one flag day.
168
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:30,180
It's all right for the lifeboat men, but
what about the poor girls? They're hoo
169
00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:34,060
-hoo -hoo like that all the time, you
see, sir. I understand there are already
170
00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:38,660
500 topless waitresses in London. I
think that's a thousand pitties, sir.
171
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,700
Honestly, think about it.
172
00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:47,540
No, don't think about it. I honestly do,
sir.
173
00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:50,560
I'll be perfectly frank with you, sir,
and I know you won't mind that.
174
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:57,080
I'll... Oh, I'll be earnest if you
prefer. The thing is... The thing is,
175
00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:01,160
see, sir, we did ask one of the girls to
go out and serve a meal stripped to the
176
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,039
waist. Oh.
177
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,420
Well, I meant stripped down to the
waist, you see, sir. She misunderstood.
178
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:07,280
Up to the waist.
179
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:08,660
It was a novelty.
180
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:12,100
And then as she was going out, they were
saying, that reminds me, you got any
181
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,100
hot cross buns?
182
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,300
But really, sir, they come in for the
food. The food, sir.
183
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,660
Impeccable. I just said impeccable, me
though.
184
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:26,080
I mean, for your starter, sir, for
example, sir. I mean, you could have an
185
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:27,500
asparagus soup, sir.
186
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,620
You could have a patty de false grass.
187
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,920
Avocado. Have two cardos, if you like.
188
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:37,380
Then the main meal, then for your
afters. Your sweet. Thank you, sir.
189
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,440
I don't know about you television
people, no.
190
00:14:48,860 --> 00:14:52,260
The thing is, sir, I mean, we give them,
after we give them a little bowl with
191
00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:54,320
all the little pastries in, you think
there's... Oh, putty four.
192
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:55,760
We putty half a dozen.
193
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,380
You look up for him, you know, sir. Yes,
I understand, Mr.
194
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,040
Scuttle, that you're shorted to publish
a fun boy magazine.
195
00:15:04,460 --> 00:15:05,900
Oh, that would be real... Sorry.
196
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,500
That would be real rich.
197
00:15:09,230 --> 00:15:13,150
Oh, the fellows that go potty over that,
they will say, yes. Might one say that
198
00:15:13,150 --> 00:15:18,050
this will be for the playboy to read in
his Mayfair penthouse.
199
00:15:18,510 --> 00:15:19,510
Mightn't one?
200
00:15:22,650 --> 00:15:23,950
One might say that, sir.
201
00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:26,270
Especially if another one... Oh!
202
00:15:27,650 --> 00:15:31,970
Oh, yes. Oh, it's all swinging, sir.
It'll all be happening, sir. How will
203
00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,990
differ from the plethora? I haven't read
the plethora.
204
00:15:34,690 --> 00:15:38,590
Men only, I know a plethora. I don't
know that one. No, no, I meant the
205
00:15:38,590 --> 00:15:41,410
of men's magazines. Oh, sir, we will be
started.
206
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:44,390
We start off with an advice column, sir.
207
00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:48,470
Oh, what to do for the lovelorn? What to
do on the lovelorn.
208
00:15:51,770 --> 00:15:53,790
It's by Edgar Lustgarten.
209
00:15:59,030 --> 00:16:05,310
Then, of course, a wench of the week. A
wench of the week? Peggy Mount, as you
210
00:16:05,310 --> 00:16:06,550
have always said to her.
211
00:16:08,830 --> 00:16:10,730
Thora Heard, more daring than ever.
212
00:16:11,830 --> 00:16:16,290
Jasmine Harrison, photographed on her
birthday, wearing a suit suitable for
213
00:16:16,290 --> 00:16:19,790
occasion. We never commit ourselves, you
see, because of the Lord Longford lot,
214
00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:20,810
you know.
215
00:16:22,020 --> 00:16:23,020
Sandy Shaw.
216
00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:26,140
Sandy Shaw barefoot, all over.
217
00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:30,040
Kathy Kirby in 3D. That'll knock their
eyes out.
218
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:36,060
And for the ladies, Edward Heath, full
frontal, sticking on his dinghy.
219
00:16:41,620 --> 00:16:45,880
In the channel. In his bath.
220
00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:55,280
You won't like it. You won't like it.
You won't like it.
221
00:16:55,860 --> 00:16:57,360
I'll kill that electricity.
222
00:16:59,020 --> 00:17:05,800
Oh, what a Christmas we had this
223
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:06,800
year.
224
00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:08,960
Wally sunk 12 quarts of beer.
225
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,700
Oh, that's intemperate, says Reverend
Gray. Well, Wally says, well, being
226
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:16,260
teetotal ain't that great. I mean,
imagine waking up at eight and knowing
227
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:17,640
the best you're going to feel all day.
228
00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:23,380
He says, but if I drop the worm in
water, it'll wriggle like it ought to.
229
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:27,040
But in beer, it dies as if attacked by
germs.
230
00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:31,120
And Wally says, well done. Hear that,
everyone? Keep on drinking beer or
231
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,120
get worms.
232
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,360
And the hospital's working for all they
was worth.
233
00:17:36,580 --> 00:17:38,320
Every hour, another birth.
234
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:42,560
Vicar went down to see the new young
mother. He said, hello, Sister Bell.
235
00:17:42,820 --> 00:17:46,580
Why ain't you expecting as well? She
says, I work on the ether outing with
236
00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:47,580
others.
237
00:17:48,940 --> 00:17:51,540
Our dentist, Ivor Ball, had an emergency
call.
238
00:17:52,180 --> 00:17:54,640
I'd take a tooth out for that nice Mrs.
Spring.
239
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,020
She says, will there be any pain?
240
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:01,560
He says, I've done this time and time
again, and I can truly say I've never
241
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:02,560
a thing.
242
00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:06,340
She says, I nearly didn't come today. I
nearly stayed away.
243
00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:09,300
I'm sure the pain would be more than I
can bear.
244
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,100
I'd rather have another baby.
245
00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:15,020
He just looks up and says, well, lady,
make your mind up, because I've got to
246
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:16,020
adjust the chair.
247
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,780
We had decorations in the square.
248
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,840
Salvation Army band played there.
249
00:18:27,060 --> 00:18:29,840
Captain says, if you know the words,
join in, and if not, um.
250
00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:31,720
And he sees the widow pike.
251
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,960
He says, and which him would you like?
She says, oh, I'd like him with that big
252
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:35,960
drum.
253
00:18:36,420 --> 00:18:40,560
And that great fat teddy bishop staggers
in the fish and chip shop.
254
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:46,560
He says, fish and chips and half a
cottage loaf.
255
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,480
She says, well, you've got to eat it
here or you've got to take it with you.
256
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:52,440
says, darling, I expect I shall do both.
257
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,160
Eh?
258
00:18:57,380 --> 00:19:00,240
Well, he sees this Irish miss. He says,
how about a kiss?
259
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:04,480
She says, what for? He says, well, I
think it's a shame. I've never kissed
260
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,480
Blarney Stone.
261
00:19:05,660 --> 00:19:07,700
But I bet your lips have kissed it.
262
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,680
So if I kissed your lips, that would be
the same.
263
00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:14,620
Well, her face, it was a joy. She just
stood there looking coy.
264
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:18,220
And Ted, of course, he's proud of the
way he's chatting it. She said, I'm
265
00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:20,560
to have to tell you, I've never kissed a
bloody stone.
266
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,440
But I must confess that once or twice
I've sat on it.
267
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:27,760
Here, here, wait.
268
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:33,540
And old George got married again, boxy
morning, half past ten. This time it was
269
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,060
Mrs. Hodge's daughter, June.
270
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,640
She looked all virginal and white.
271
00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:39,800
Then she says, George, tonight.
272
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,380
He says, tonight we blow this afternoon.
273
00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:45,360
Oh, dear.
274
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,680
And old Squire, he tells the players in
our football club, after the game,
275
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:53,200
straight in the pub, you're on a point
per man per every goal you score.
276
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,520
Well, of course, they didn't dream he'd
say the same to the other team. We won
277
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:58,800
by 90 goals to 84.
278
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,460
The match bottle flew past these eggs.
279
00:20:03,710 --> 00:20:07,790
It's all right, I'm a faithless, he
said. If your name's on it, then it'll
280
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,230
your brains out, if you've got any.
281
00:20:09,470 --> 00:20:12,870
The bloke behind us started to shout. He
says, let me out.
282
00:20:13,070 --> 00:20:15,530
And I says, what for? He says, because
my name's Watley.
283
00:20:17,370 --> 00:20:20,130
Oh, well, Christmas Eve.
284
00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:23,130
Old Harry Dawes dresses up with Santa
Claus.
285
00:20:23,550 --> 00:20:28,250
And he has a few and needs a map to find
his way with. He goes down next door to
286
00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:29,250
Chimbley instead.
287
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:33,120
Ends up by Mrs. Toomer's bed and he
says, I've got something lovely here for
288
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,120
to play with.
289
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,980
Wow! I mean, Tim, it was all in sport.
290
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,200
This morning he's in court. And guess
who's on the bench? Old Fishface Grimes.
291
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,940
He said, I shall not treat this case
with leniency.
292
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,560
You've been charged with gross
indecency.
293
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:51,600
He said, cool, I ain't been indecent 144
times.
294
00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:57,560
says, this year there has been more
lechery and sin than any other year I
295
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:02,320
recall. I award this lady ten quid. And
Harry says, oh, splendid, and if I can
296
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,960
afford it, I'll give her a bob of two
and all.
297
00:21:04,860 --> 00:21:10,160
Well, Christmas come and went, and we
felt the time well spent. It was half a
298
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,100
bit more puddin'. Where is the bismuth?
299
00:21:12,540 --> 00:21:18,060
And though we drunk until we burst, may
I be the first to wish you all a very
300
00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:19,140
merry Christmas.
301
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,920
You try rhyming with bismuth.
302
00:21:28,490 --> 00:21:33,090
And now we welcome to the show the
lovely Lady Bird.
303
00:24:17,819 --> 00:24:20,200
Tough, hard -wearing, waterproof.
304
00:24:20,620 --> 00:24:27,340
That is why this paint is suitable... A
305
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:30,920
touch of country goodness from St. Evil.
306
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,200
St. Evil?
307
00:24:32,300 --> 00:24:33,300
No!
308
00:24:34,100 --> 00:24:35,100
No!
309
00:24:37,580 --> 00:24:39,520
Get rid of him! Get rid of him!
310
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:40,659
And quick!
311
00:24:40,660 --> 00:24:42,200
I'll kill him. I'll kill him.
312
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,840
Stop the cameras. Stop. Oh, no.
313
00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:48,220
No.
314
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:49,760
No.
315
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:54,440
No. Oh, the subtle girl. The subtle.
316
00:24:54,780 --> 00:24:57,460
What? Is another account gone? Oh, God.
317
00:24:59,420 --> 00:25:02,300
Get it. I'm going. No. Get out.
318
00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:04,560
You're sacked. Both of you are sacked.
319
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,260
Difficult thing. Just wash off.
320
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,160
something soft.
321
00:25:19,540 --> 00:25:21,160
Soft even in your heart.
322
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,780
Blow it! Blow it!
323
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,040
I'm bloody blowing it.
324
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:35,700
Oh!
325
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,140
I've opened myself now.
326
00:25:37,380 --> 00:25:40,460
Oh, that made me ask for it. Just wash
off.
327
00:25:52,750 --> 00:25:56,210
We're going... Are we going again?
328
00:25:56,950 --> 00:26:01,810
If it'll hold this in place, think what
it'll do for your hair.
329
00:26:05,050 --> 00:26:08,030
It's the last one we've got, you silly
fat cow.
330
00:26:08,430 --> 00:26:12,810
Come on, come on, come on. I mean, I
think we can all... Go bloody hell!
331
00:26:16,330 --> 00:26:17,330
Wait a minute!
332
00:26:17,650 --> 00:26:21,730
Right, now, any last times with me, get
extra...
333
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,920
of Old Jakarta Rum.
334
00:26:26,900 --> 00:26:31,160
I can now join you in signing with me.
335
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,440
Sign now. Sign now.
336
00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:40,740
It wasn't
337
00:26:40,740 --> 00:26:42,820
my fault. It wasn't my fault, Keith,
honestly.
338
00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:48,080
If you're breeding pedigree dogs like
young Dilly here, always insist on
339
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,200
pedigree, Ben. You can't beat it because
it...
340
00:26:52,750 --> 00:26:56,870
and calm, and that's very, very
essential to a dog, you know, especially
341
00:26:56,870 --> 00:27:03,650
you're house -training a dog, to keep
them cool and calm, because otherwise if
342
00:27:03,650 --> 00:27:09,210
they get over it, oh my God, I think
it's a... I think it's a...
343
00:27:09,210 --> 00:27:14,310
I think it's a... Hold on a minute, I
think she's a little bit excited.
344
00:27:14,610 --> 00:27:15,930
Could you get that cat...
345
00:27:26,890 --> 00:27:28,530
It is Jack Norrie.
346
00:27:29,710 --> 00:27:31,170
I don't know his mother.
347
00:27:32,270 --> 00:27:34,770
But Jack Norrie. Are you comfortable?
348
00:27:37,070 --> 00:27:38,730
Then I will start.
349
00:27:39,390 --> 00:27:40,570
One upon two.
350
00:27:42,250 --> 00:27:46,190
There lived a young woman with the name
of Goldie Lockshin.
351
00:27:47,730 --> 00:27:51,290
And she was called Goldie Lockshin
because she had the most beautiful
352
00:27:51,290 --> 00:27:52,670
hair all the way down the back.
353
00:27:52,970 --> 00:27:54,590
On the head she was bald.
354
00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:03,160
And he had a whole beautiful figure with
little crystals and big breasts.
355
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:10,700
And one day he was walking in front of a
cloud in the black forest.
356
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:13,120
Not with bird comfort.
357
00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:16,360
But with beautiful flowers.
358
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,660
Not flowers for wearing, for sniffing.
359
00:28:21,100 --> 00:28:22,580
The rhododendron.
360
00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:25,140
And chrysanthemum.
361
00:28:26,570 --> 00:28:30,430
And the blueberries and the daffodils.
And he was talking up and down all the
362
00:28:30,430 --> 00:28:32,890
time. And don't forget, I'm only acting.
363
00:28:34,870 --> 00:28:36,070
I'm a little poof.
364
00:28:40,310 --> 00:28:43,890
And he hears a voice.
365
00:28:44,110 --> 00:28:45,770
He turns and there was Hans.
366
00:28:46,050 --> 00:28:52,590
Hans Knees and Bums. A beautiful young
woodcutter with a small
367
00:28:52,590 --> 00:28:55,570
knuckle and a big chopper and...
368
00:28:58,670 --> 00:29:04,050
Er gesagt, Goldilockschen, willst du
kommen in dieser kleine Cottage mit mir
369
00:29:04,050 --> 00:29:05,810
eine Tasse Koko haben?
370
00:29:06,750 --> 00:29:10,810
Und er gedenkt, eine StĂĽck Koko mit
dieser höflichen Jungmasch, die sind
371
00:29:10,810 --> 00:29:15,050
gut. So, er geht zu der Hause, trocken
und singen und denken, what chocolate,
372
00:29:15,250 --> 00:29:17,130
drinking chocolate, what chocolate.
373
00:29:19,110 --> 00:29:24,110
Und er geht zu der Haus und
Goldilockschen gesagt, oh, ich bin, ich
374
00:29:24,150 --> 00:29:26,150
so haben sie seine Chopper gewippen
auch.
375
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:33,460
Where in the forest they go for the
woodcutting, for the fire making, for
376
00:29:33,460 --> 00:29:34,460
worm making.
377
00:29:35,180 --> 00:29:40,020
So they go away and Goldilocks is alone
in the house. But this house is the
378
00:29:40,020 --> 00:29:41,660
house of the three bears.
379
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,600
And the three bears are very comical
bears.
380
00:29:45,940 --> 00:29:48,420
Two bears were bow -legged.
381
00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:51,460
And one was knuckle -kneed.
382
00:29:52,060 --> 00:29:54,620
And when they stand together, they play
also.
383
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:03,120
Er war Mutterbär und Vaterbär.
384
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:07,860
Und der ganze kleine Gummi -Babibär.
385
00:30:08,060 --> 00:30:14,060
So, Goldilockschen, er sitzen an der
Wartebärstuhle und etwas zu hart.
386
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:18,240
So, er sitzen an der Babibärstuhle und
etwas zu saft.
387
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:22,200
So, er sitzen an der Mutterbärstuhle und
war sehr gut für seine ganze schöne
388
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:23,200
Tochers.
389
00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:28,430
So. ... ...
390
00:30:28,430 --> 00:30:32,670
...
391
00:30:32,670 --> 00:30:37,950
...
392
00:30:37,950 --> 00:30:43,550
... ... ...
393
00:30:55,630 --> 00:30:57,250
The halter for the bussen!
394
00:30:58,130 --> 00:31:00,690
We have viel dummkopfen hier heute
Abend.
395
00:31:01,990 --> 00:31:04,870
So, Berg, oh, es ist bestimmt ganz warm,
der bussenhalle.
396
00:31:05,850 --> 00:31:07,430
Then the cami pantsers.
397
00:31:08,530 --> 00:31:10,170
Und then the corset.
398
00:31:10,850 --> 00:31:11,850
Oh,
399
00:31:12,130 --> 00:31:14,330
oh, meine GĂĽrtel ist killen mich.
400
00:31:15,690 --> 00:31:18,010
So, and wenn er was nackert...
401
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,020
Er wird in das Bett gehen.
402
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:23,320
Schweine... Pardon.
403
00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:24,360
Schweine in das Bett.
404
00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:27,440
Kommen die drei Bären.
405
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:33,300
Und der Wartebär sagt, Who has been
eating my porridge?
406
00:31:33,660 --> 00:31:37,140
Und der Babybär gesagt, Who has been
eating my porridge?
407
00:31:37,380 --> 00:31:40,760
Und der Mutterbär gesagt, Sie sind alt,
dummkopf, und ich habe nicht jetzt
408
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:41,760
Wartebär.
409
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:48,520
So then, off the stairs we go, and into
the bedroom.
410
00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:52,680
And the mother bear said, who has been
sleeping in my bed?
411
00:31:53,020 --> 00:31:56,440
And the baby bear said, who has been
sleeping in my bed?
412
00:31:56,720 --> 00:31:59,400
And the water bear closed the door and
said, good night.
413
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,120
So mom is so nice.
414
00:32:06,580 --> 00:32:07,580
No,
415
00:32:08,980 --> 00:32:14,040
no, and he was getting in the bed. Then,
Google Action is up again.
416
00:32:15,430 --> 00:32:18,010
And he said, I can't sleep with a bear.
417
00:32:18,250 --> 00:32:20,750
And the bear said, I'm not a bear.
418
00:32:21,010 --> 00:32:22,650
I'm a man.
419
00:32:23,150 --> 00:32:27,670
And the man started to take off his
skin. And Goldilocks said, why?
420
00:32:27,890 --> 00:32:33,770
If you're a man, you're hiding all the
time, always hiding in the bear skin.
421
00:32:34,010 --> 00:32:36,810
And he said, because I'm Martin Burman.
422
00:32:37,930 --> 00:32:39,390
And I'm not dead.
423
00:32:39,910 --> 00:32:42,070
And Arnold is also not dead.
424
00:32:42,410 --> 00:32:43,790
And the war is not over.
425
00:33:04,889 --> 00:33:09,450
My baby's not a portable TV that she
takes it with her all the time And she
426
00:33:09,450 --> 00:33:14,450
takes it when we go out of walking or
rowing on the serpentine One out just
427
00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:19,570
night in the pale moonlight, I asked her
for a kiss. But instead of looking into
428
00:33:19,570 --> 00:33:22,090
her lovely eyes, all that I could see
was this.
429
00:33:22,630 --> 00:33:24,690
She is very beautiful, isn't she?
430
00:33:25,550 --> 00:33:28,810
That's why I appreciate her devotion to
me so much.
431
00:33:29,050 --> 00:33:33,430
Oh, she's devoted to me, make no mistake
about that. She shows it in so many
432
00:33:33,430 --> 00:33:39,450
ways. She worries about my career, my
health, and sometimes I think she should
433
00:33:39,450 --> 00:33:42,850
get a younger man. I suggested to her
trying to come to me.
434
00:33:45,530 --> 00:33:50,330
Not just her, but all three of you.
You're worrying all the time about my
435
00:33:50,330 --> 00:33:54,390
health, my career, and everything about
me.
436
00:33:54,930 --> 00:34:01,050
I don't know. I'm such a lucky man to
have this wonderful... Ah, you're good,
437
00:34:01,190 --> 00:34:02,690
you're kind, you're decent.
438
00:34:03,290 --> 00:34:04,290
You're American.
439
00:34:05,030 --> 00:34:06,530
I like that in a person.
440
00:34:07,130 --> 00:34:10,670
An American, that means a lot to me. It
really does.
441
00:34:11,650 --> 00:34:13,590
Hmm. Push a little bit harder, will you?
442
00:34:14,409 --> 00:34:17,929
I went round to the house where my baby
lived to ask for a date.
443
00:34:18,870 --> 00:34:23,389
There I was, walking up the garden path
around about a half -hour's date, when I
444
00:34:23,389 --> 00:34:27,230
heard a sound, man, before I found what
had stopped me in my stride.
445
00:34:27,530 --> 00:34:31,389
I seemed to hear the voice of another
guy coming from inside.
446
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:37,969
I asked my husband if he'd trust the
turkey.
447
00:34:39,449 --> 00:34:40,510
And he said,
448
00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:42,760
With my life.
449
00:34:44,300 --> 00:34:50,560
And then I said to him, what would you
say to a sole bon femme?
450
00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:56,760
And he said, bonjour, sole bon femme.
451
00:34:58,260 --> 00:35:04,540
Then I asked him if he had any time for
stuffing.
452
00:35:05,820 --> 00:35:09,420
Some days it doesn't pay you to get up.
453
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,340
I'd like to take her portable TV set and
throw it in the deep blue sea.
454
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:21,900
Why, I'm so jealous of her portable TV
set because it takes her mind off me.
455
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:26,520
I said, oh, baby, please be mine. I want
you for my own.
456
00:35:27,140 --> 00:35:30,820
Tell me, is your love for somebody else
or is it for me alone?
457
00:35:41,100 --> 00:35:43,180
Also, for either pain.
458
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:47,640
The hollies, prickle -bottom rolls, itch
in her.
459
00:35:48,300 --> 00:35:55,080
And tonight, he and his lovely wife are
celebrating their 25th
460
00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:56,260
wedding anniversary.
461
00:35:56,800 --> 00:36:03,340
And, you know, nowadays, with divorce
being so prevalent, there's just a lot
462
00:36:03,340 --> 00:36:07,640
it about people living in permissive
society.
463
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:12,320
It's nice to know that a couple have
stayed together.
464
00:36:13,020 --> 00:36:19,740
in wedded bliss for 25 years and tonight
they'll be watching the
465
00:36:19,740 --> 00:36:26,180
program with their 27 year old son and
they
466
00:36:26,180 --> 00:36:32,280
go on to say that until we saw your
program we didn't know
467
00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:39,260
what wickedness and sin was and i think
that's lovely to get a
468
00:36:39,260 --> 00:36:40,260
letter
469
00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:48,340
I swore to her that I would be always
true and love her all the while.
470
00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:52,660
And on the whole so happy day and may I
took her down the aisle.
471
00:36:52,900 --> 00:36:56,980
Now do you take this man to be your
loving husband, the preacher softly
472
00:36:57,340 --> 00:37:01,440
But he never heard her ladylike reply.
He heard the ladybird's instead.
473
00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:03,220
Mrs. Shensei.
474
00:37:23,720 --> 00:37:26,420
spend our honeymoon down on the island
of Capri.
475
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,860
I found ourselves a very small hotel as
quiet as can be.
476
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:37,580
But when I got up to our room upon our
wedding night, this is the sight that
477
00:37:37,580 --> 00:37:39,900
my eyes as I switched out the light.
478
00:37:40,500 --> 00:37:42,200
Ah, darling.
479
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:46,460
Here, where's the television set?
480
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:48,200
Television? He won't...
481
00:38:15,630 --> 00:38:19,350
I've been on the continent. That's where
I've been. Ooh, baby, well, I heard
482
00:38:19,350 --> 00:38:21,790
your little old prime minister was sold
on the common market.
483
00:38:22,170 --> 00:38:23,970
And I wondered where you get him from.
484
00:38:24,570 --> 00:38:29,890
And, uh, he's getting almost as chubby
as what I am, ain't he? Ooh, he's cute
485
00:38:29,890 --> 00:38:31,430
a crook as a lot of compound teeth.
486
00:38:31,730 --> 00:38:32,730
I tell you.
487
00:38:33,150 --> 00:38:37,590
Anyway, I was in Spain in Barcelona, and
I'm speaking to this little Spanish
488
00:38:37,590 --> 00:38:38,590
incinerator.
489
00:38:39,830 --> 00:38:42,350
And I says to her, senor, gracias.
490
00:38:46,510 --> 00:38:48,050
Senior bonus knockers.
491
00:38:49,610 --> 00:38:53,610
And ooh, E .C .J. wouldn't believe I
weren't Spanish. Now, how about that? I
492
00:38:53,610 --> 00:38:56,970
reckon I can understand some of them
better than I understand you lot out
493
00:38:57,030 --> 00:38:57,689
You know that?
494
00:38:57,690 --> 00:38:59,930
I'll tell you something. I was on the
underground.
495
00:39:00,210 --> 00:39:01,210
Was it Piccadilly?
496
00:39:01,810 --> 00:39:03,750
No? It was Lasseter Square.
497
00:39:04,910 --> 00:39:08,890
I was on the underground there alongside
where they sexy photographs are. They
498
00:39:08,890 --> 00:39:10,750
sexy gals wearing nothing but their
braziers.
499
00:39:11,770 --> 00:39:15,190
You know what I mean? Now, you notice I
say braziers. I didn't say brassiere.
500
00:39:16,010 --> 00:39:18,010
They're there for warming your hands on.
I know that.
501
00:39:19,470 --> 00:39:23,810
Anyway, there's a sign up there, and it
says dogs must be carried on an
502
00:39:23,810 --> 00:39:27,110
escalator. I look around ten minutes, I
couldn't find a dog in no place.
503
00:39:28,930 --> 00:39:29,930
How about that?
504
00:39:30,230 --> 00:39:33,370
And then they tell me I'm going to be
staying at a boating house.
505
00:39:33,790 --> 00:39:36,350
Now, I thought they said boating house.
506
00:39:36,710 --> 00:39:41,950
And when I see the landlady, she looked
like a chest of drawers with a second
507
00:39:41,950 --> 00:39:43,390
drawer halfway out. You know what I
mean?
508
00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:48,940
She takes me up to my room, points to a
sign, and then she sort of chassés out.
509
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:50,360
I look over the sign. You know what the
sign says?
510
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,380
Be in bed before I am.
511
00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:55,240
Oh, baby, I was in bed at 8 o 'clock
every night.
512
00:39:55,980 --> 00:39:59,180
And I found I was being in bed before 1
a .m.
513
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:03,960
As I know that.
514
00:40:04,900 --> 00:40:09,140
And then another sign says, keep your
feet off the diving suit.
515
00:40:10,420 --> 00:40:13,160
Well, I look around. I couldn't find a
diving suit in the whole place. That was
516
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:14,160
dive and sweep.
517
00:40:15,340 --> 00:40:18,860
And then her husband, he's a nice little
old fellow. He says to me, if you're
518
00:40:18,860 --> 00:40:22,220
cold in the night, just bang on the
ceiling and you can have my order down.
519
00:40:23,260 --> 00:40:26,360
Now, I didn't want to come between
husband and wife. I wouldn't do it.
520
00:40:26,900 --> 00:40:31,660
So I'll tell you, I went abroad. I went
to the travel agency. There was signs
521
00:40:31,660 --> 00:40:36,640
there for the tours. There was the Asian
tour, the African tour, the Indian
522
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:40,900
tour. I said, please take tour you
require clearly and distinctly. You want
523
00:40:40,900 --> 00:40:41,900
nobody there.
524
00:40:42,110 --> 00:40:45,010
and I heard a fellow in the next room
pouring himself a cup of coffee.
525
00:40:45,430 --> 00:40:47,150
At least, I think that's what he was
doing.
526
00:40:50,370 --> 00:40:51,970
I yelled out, European!
527
00:40:56,890 --> 00:41:00,030
I did not say that. I just noticed you
didn't say that.
528
00:41:00,910 --> 00:41:03,450
Anyway, I took my cousin Tex with me.
529
00:41:03,730 --> 00:41:06,430
He calls himself Tex. He don't come from
Texas.
530
00:41:06,730 --> 00:41:08,570
He comes from Mablethorpe.
531
00:41:09,130 --> 00:41:11,250
I mean, he don't like being called
Mabel.
532
00:41:11,650 --> 00:41:14,390
I don't know, it suits him. Anyway, I'll
tell you.
533
00:41:14,750 --> 00:41:17,130
I was in Paris, France, Europe.
534
00:41:19,150 --> 00:41:23,730
At the hotel, I was washing my hands one
morning and wondering why that
535
00:41:23,730 --> 00:41:26,290
Professor Freud only ever made cold
water taps.
536
00:41:29,870 --> 00:41:31,150
I don't mind waiting.
537
00:41:33,630 --> 00:41:36,350
Anyway, I look out the window, little
old fella getting married.
538
00:41:36,670 --> 00:41:40,230
I says, the chambermaid, I says, who's
getting married? She says, Junice Paul.
539
00:41:41,770 --> 00:41:45,210
Next morning, there's a funeral. I say,
who are they burying? She says, Junice
540
00:41:45,210 --> 00:41:46,950
Paul. I say, well, he didn't last long.
541
00:41:49,190 --> 00:41:52,050
I say, if you've got to go, that's the
way to go, ain't it, eh?
542
00:41:53,230 --> 00:41:57,930
And ain't they little froggy boys, hot
-blooded? I tell you, I was up near the
543
00:41:57,930 --> 00:42:02,230
Arc de Trumpet, alongside the champion,
Lars House.
544
00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:10,560
I'm sitting outside this restaurant on
the terrace.
545
00:42:13,260 --> 00:42:17,000
And there's a little old froggy boy
there. He was whistling the gals and
546
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:20,780
pitching them when they went past. I
said to him, hey, old timer, it's memory
547
00:42:20,780 --> 00:42:21,780
lane for you, isn't it?
548
00:42:21,980 --> 00:42:26,520
I said, when was the last time you had a
little romp in the hay? To do any good,
549
00:42:26,580 --> 00:42:27,359
I mean.
550
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:29,100
He said, 1945.
551
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:34,880
I'd say, well, that's a long time ago.
He'd say, no, it's only 8 o 'clock now.
552
00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:39,800
How about that?
553
00:42:40,020 --> 00:42:41,120
How about that?
554
00:42:41,780 --> 00:42:42,780
Anyway,
555
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:49,780
I was in Amsterdiam, in that diam, diam
square in
556
00:42:49,780 --> 00:42:52,800
Amsterdiam. Oh, we'd have full of little
hippies there. There was one little
557
00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:56,460
hippie gal. Oh, she were pretty as a
pimple on a pound of pickle pork.
558
00:42:57,720 --> 00:42:59,360
She only had one shoe on.
559
00:42:59,710 --> 00:43:03,490
I said, now, poor little hippie gal. I
said, you lose a shoe? She said, no, I
560
00:43:03,490 --> 00:43:04,490
found one.
561
00:43:06,190 --> 00:43:07,109
Please help.
562
00:43:07,110 --> 00:43:08,110
Anyway.
563
00:43:08,750 --> 00:43:13,530
So there, I'm in the hotel there, and I
go to wash my hands, and there weren't
564
00:43:13,530 --> 00:43:16,950
no towel. I said to the landlady, how am
I going to dry my hands? She said,
565
00:43:17,030 --> 00:43:18,030
stick them out the window.
566
00:43:18,870 --> 00:43:21,210
I said, well, it's a good job I won't go
and take a bath.
567
00:43:24,710 --> 00:43:27,030
I showed them a thing or two, I tell
you.
568
00:43:27,450 --> 00:43:28,450
Anyway.
569
00:43:28,670 --> 00:43:33,910
Hamburg! Ooh -wee, baby, is that a tell?
I tell you, I know how a hamburger
570
00:43:33,910 --> 00:43:34,910
feels now.
571
00:43:35,150 --> 00:43:37,810
Ooh -wee, they girls sure made mincemeat
out of me.
572
00:43:39,290 --> 00:43:45,790
We was staying at the best hotel in
Hamburg, right between the River Elbe
573
00:43:45,790 --> 00:43:47,650
and the Alster.
574
00:43:48,050 --> 00:43:51,810
And I asked the porter to direct me to a
nice little restaurant. He pointed the
575
00:43:51,810 --> 00:43:52,488
wrong direction.
576
00:43:52,490 --> 00:43:55,090
I don't reckon he knew his Alster from
his Elbe.
577
00:43:57,150 --> 00:43:58,150
Anyway.
578
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:05,980
This little old street there and this
long house with a lot of windows and a
579
00:44:05,980 --> 00:44:08,040
of sassy little gals sitting in the
windows there.
580
00:44:09,220 --> 00:44:12,420
And they was like talking to sailors.
581
00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:15,300
Some was reading books.
582
00:44:15,740 --> 00:44:19,820
I think maybe the light was a bit better
there so they sit in the window. I
583
00:44:19,820 --> 00:44:21,040
thought it was a soup kitchen.
584
00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:24,940
I heard this sailor say he's going in
for a basin full.
585
00:44:28,060 --> 00:44:32,720
Me and Tex goes in. I said, now you
don't speak German and these saucy
586
00:44:32,720 --> 00:44:35,480
gals don't speak English. How are you
going to communicate?
587
00:44:36,020 --> 00:44:38,240
He said, I'm going to draw what I want.
588
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:42,660
I said, you draw what you wanted in
Spain.
589
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:48,240
He wanted steak and mushrooms, eat you a
picture of a cow and a mushroom, wait
590
00:44:48,240 --> 00:44:51,040
to come back with a sunshade and two
tickets for a boat ride.
591
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:57,520
Anyway, this saucy little gal's chassis
is over.
592
00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:03,120
And sits down, and he takes the pencil,
and he draws a picture of a cigar.
593
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:09,780
Well... She looks at it for a little
while.
594
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:19,740
Then she ups and goes away, comes back
with a cigar. Then he draws a pot of
595
00:45:19,740 --> 00:45:22,720
beer. She goes away, comes back with a
pot of beer. Now, how about that? And
596
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,660
then she takes the pencil, and she takes
the paper.
597
00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:28,720
And she drawed a picture of a band.
598
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,860
And he says, well, hoo -wee, baby!
599
00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:34,060
He said, don't that beat all.
600
00:45:34,580 --> 00:45:37,220
Now, how did she know I was a furniture
salesman?
601
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:41,120
That's what he said. Well, now, round
about here, folks.
602
00:45:41,440 --> 00:45:42,640
I'm going to sing at you.
603
00:45:42,860 --> 00:45:44,600
I don't know why you done me no harm.
604
00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:50,560
I've written me a topical little song,
and it's called the Common Market Square
605
00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:51,560
Dance.
606
00:46:01,779 --> 00:46:04,940
Now you meet a man from Poland, you call
him a Pole. If you meet a man from
607
00:46:04,940 --> 00:46:07,840
Holland, don't you dare call him a Hole.
See a drunk Italian, and what do you
608
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:09,340
say? Why, hi, diddly, hi, hi.
609
00:46:09,660 --> 00:46:12,080
Okay, you wake up in Paris when the sun
is breaking through.
610
00:46:12,340 --> 00:46:13,340
Here's a custom throw in.
611
00:46:14,300 --> 00:46:17,340
Naughty folly bear, shadow boy, you
might see something that you shouldn't
612
00:46:17,660 --> 00:46:18,660
That's me.
613
00:46:20,380 --> 00:46:24,100
Buy yourself a good praise book, and you
open it up, and you take a look.
614
00:46:24,440 --> 00:46:28,120
Open up the porch. Shut that door.
615
00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:30,200
Father of two.
616
00:46:31,060 --> 00:46:36,340
I love Dick. I mean, I love you, I'm
sorry. Now you're really cooking with
617
00:46:36,820 --> 00:46:38,060
But at two degrees.
618
00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:45,200
Click your heels and flash your teeth.
It's Willy Brandt and Edward Heath. Join
619
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:46,580
hands, pass the money round.
620
00:46:46,940 --> 00:46:50,740
Broke the mark and think the pound.
German wine and sauerkraut.
621
00:46:51,050 --> 00:46:55,010
Belgian beer and Brussels sprouts. When
you go shopping, if things get any
622
00:46:55,010 --> 00:46:59,450
worse, you'll carry your money in your
basket and your shopping in your purse.
623
00:47:02,670 --> 00:47:03,670
Here we go.
624
00:47:18,510 --> 00:47:19,109
Bye, everybody.
625
00:47:19,110 --> 00:47:22,570
Now, we'll see you all again real soon.
And don't forget, so you stop on by next
626
00:47:22,570 --> 00:47:24,710
time we're around, won't you? Bye now.
Bye.
53780