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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,630 --> 00:00:12,630 Good evening. 2 00:00:13,270 --> 00:00:16,309 Yes, I think we should ask ourselves this question. 3 00:00:16,930 --> 00:00:22,830 Knowing what we now know, shouldn't we insist that those who cannot afford the 4 00:00:22,830 --> 00:00:28,010 kind of life that we enjoy have a wage rise long before ourselves? 5 00:00:29,090 --> 00:00:33,210 And you know, I think I know what your answer will be. 6 00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:44,570 Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show. 7 00:00:44,850 --> 00:00:47,450 And here is Benny Hill. 8 00:00:51,430 --> 00:00:56,770 Now when I was a lad, life wasn't so bad. We had that big house on the hill. 9 00:00:57,210 --> 00:01:02,370 Me dad wore a suit and we even had fruit on the sideboard when no one was ill. 10 00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:08,150 Poor Jenny Hogg, she lived on the bog, so wet that her sheep kept on sinking. 11 00:01:08,510 --> 00:01:12,690 Her old man used to tell her to run round with the umbrella and stop all 12 00:01:12,690 --> 00:01:13,750 wool from shrinking. 13 00:01:14,250 --> 00:01:17,190 Oh, let's drink a toast to the gamekeeper's daughter. 14 00:01:17,390 --> 00:01:22,250 One look at her and my niece turned to water. Now that she's gone, I miss her 15 00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:27,470 like mad. She taught me so much when I was a lad. Now old Teddy Sparks says she 16 00:01:27,470 --> 00:01:30,650 can quote Marx, but he don't mean Carl, he means Arpo. 17 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,560 Her dad is a fool and her mum was so cruel she was twice drummed out the 18 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:41,640 Gestapo. She failed miserably at geography or at spelling or doing a 19 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:46,980 Tell me where take me toward her is the Indian border she said on the sofa with 20 00:01:46,980 --> 00:01:47,980 mum. 21 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:52,840 Let's drink a toast to the gamekeeper's daughter. One look at her and my knees 22 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:57,700 turn to water. Now that she's gone I miss her like mad. She taught me so 23 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:02,380 When I was a lad, oh, she once gave an actor a ride in her dung cart. They 24 00:02:02,380 --> 00:02:03,920 passed three trucks and a tractor. 25 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:09,139 Each time she was asked what she'd got, she'd reply, I can't load a dung in an 26 00:02:09,139 --> 00:02:13,860 actor. Oh, the next time it happened, the actor's face red and he said, Miss, 27 00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:15,060 bear you no ill will. 28 00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:20,680 But the next time anyone asks what you've got, do you mind if I top the 29 00:02:23,370 --> 00:02:24,289 keeper's daughter. 30 00:02:24,290 --> 00:02:29,090 One looked at her and my niece turned to water. Now that she's gone, I miss her 31 00:02:29,090 --> 00:02:33,930 like a lad. She taught me so much when I was a lad in a meadow one night. She 32 00:02:33,930 --> 00:02:37,450 said, you treat me right and I'll drive you out of your mind. 33 00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:42,430 We lay in the clover and when it was over, she said, now it's your turn to be 34 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:48,070 kind. Well, I'd only a tatter and so with a stammer I gave it to her there 35 00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:53,040 then. She looked at me strange and said, I haven't got change. You'll have to do 36 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,040 it again. 37 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,400 Oh, let's make it toast as the game keeps on going. 38 00:02:57,940 --> 00:03:04,480 Now that she's gone, I miss her like mad. She taught me so much when 39 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:05,480 I... 40 00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:19,210 Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen. It's very nice to be with you 41 00:03:19,210 --> 00:03:22,250 all once again, and we're starting off this evening with some more of those 42 00:03:22,250 --> 00:03:27,130 things that go wrong on television, like only this afternoon I was dancing with 43 00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:30,690 Jenny Lee Wright, and unfortunately she tripped, and I grabbed hold of her 44 00:03:30,690 --> 00:03:36,810 corset, and I... I grabbed hold of her corset, not always... 45 00:03:36,810 --> 00:03:42,950 Could you... I thought you were going to hold... I'm sorry, do you mind... Can 46 00:03:42,950 --> 00:03:44,670 we go again, please? No, I thought you were going to hold... We're going to go 47 00:03:44,670 --> 00:03:45,690 across the ledge. I wanted... 48 00:03:48,860 --> 00:03:51,760 Have some more champagne, my dear. 49 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,080 Oh, let me, darling. 50 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:54,360 All right. 51 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,880 What a sly little minx you are, to be sure. 52 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,140 Pretending that you had never been to Heidelberg before. 53 00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,520 Well, Prost, my dear. 54 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:14,920 Here's to your lovely eyes. 55 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:24,460 Oh, is that my contact lens? I've been looking for that. 56 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,120 Honestly, 57 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:28,520 honestly, Dennis. 58 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,240 I've got my tongue on that. 59 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,150 I'm coming down. 60 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:14,920 Was it, uh... Was it him? 61 00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:16,380 Don't be silly. 62 00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:20,920 Oh, my darling, not the eye. 63 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,620 All the feeling that you want me. 64 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:32,360 It's not funny. 65 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,840 I don't have to do that. Keith! 66 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:36,960 It's not funny, you know. 67 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,880 Get out. Get out. Get out. No. 68 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,059 Get out. 69 00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:43,720 Of course I... I remember. 70 00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:45,340 Everything? 71 00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:48,020 Yes, I think so. 72 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,600 Oh, 73 00:05:50,220 --> 00:05:55,900 how you climbed on my shoulders and stood there for hours signalling the 74 00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:56,900 name. 75 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:00,840 No, I shall never forget your great... 76 00:06:43,850 --> 00:06:46,590 started taking down his trousers and getting his... Dirty, filthy bitch! 77 00:06:48,790 --> 00:06:50,530 Couldn't you learn to love me? 78 00:06:52,690 --> 00:06:53,690 Love you? 79 00:06:54,390 --> 00:06:56,490 Oh, can't you see I'm a woman? 80 00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,470 Yes, I can see that. You know, when I first met you, there was some forget. 81 00:07:00,710 --> 00:07:04,990 You see, I will never... Are you trying to tell me something? 82 00:07:05,430 --> 00:07:06,750 Yes, I'm going to Australia. 83 00:07:07,030 --> 00:07:08,030 Australia? 84 00:07:09,110 --> 00:07:13,090 Do you think you'll be any more at home there? I will be perfectly fine. 85 00:07:30,410 --> 00:07:33,150 your own keys. Never mind keys. Never mind. 86 00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:12,850 Keep going again, Keith. 87 00:08:13,210 --> 00:08:16,630 Jumping down every five minutes and bending. You know I'm supposed to bend 88 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:17,630 in my trouble. 89 00:08:19,190 --> 00:08:21,370 Nobody against me. You're all against me. 90 00:08:22,010 --> 00:08:24,170 If only things could be as they were. 91 00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:25,409 How do you mean? 92 00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:26,410 You've changed. 93 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:27,650 Have I? You have. 94 00:08:27,870 --> 00:08:28,849 Let me look. 95 00:08:28,850 --> 00:08:29,890 Be my guest. 96 00:08:30,230 --> 00:08:32,590 I want to remember them just as you are. 97 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:18,240 West End, where only last Tuesday they saw the opening of the very latest 98 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:25,140 addition to the night item of London, the Fun Boy Club. And here with me is 99 00:09:25,140 --> 00:09:30,360 man behind it all, Fred Scuttle. Good evening, sir. Good evening, all you jet 100 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:31,360 -set swingers. 101 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:36,260 And welcome to Scuttle's exclusive Fun Boy Club. 102 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,500 Exclusive? Yes, it's exclusive, sir. Yes, yes. 103 00:09:40,860 --> 00:09:45,220 Tell me, what are the incumbent qualities pertinent to this exclusivity? 104 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:46,560 I beg your pardon, sir? 105 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,000 What have I got to have before I can join? 30 bob. 106 00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:54,860 You see, we want to keep the riff -raff out, you see. 107 00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:58,660 Because I intend becoming the Hugh Hefner of Hounslow. 108 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,660 Are you going to emulate all his bunny girls? 109 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:04,580 Not all of them, sir. 110 00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:07,120 Not with my back, you! 111 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,660 Well, you know, if I get excited, you'll be back, you! 112 00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:12,370 I went then, sir. I'm sorry. 113 00:10:12,950 --> 00:10:17,290 What I actually meant was, I mean, are all your girls going to be dressed as 114 00:10:17,290 --> 00:10:18,970 bunnies? No, sir. Teddy bears. 115 00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:20,409 Teddy bears? 116 00:10:20,410 --> 00:10:24,310 Very tasteful, sir. Yes, it's all sort of little bodice. It's sort of like a 117 00:10:24,310 --> 00:10:26,370 religious dress, sir. Lo and behold. 118 00:10:31,010 --> 00:10:35,690 And it's very deep cut there and high on there with a long suspender belt. 119 00:10:36,030 --> 00:10:37,670 Yeah, you're dribbling, sir. 120 00:10:39,950 --> 00:10:42,850 Very faithful, sir. What do these teddy bears have to do? 121 00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:46,710 They welcome the male guest, you see, sir. Oh, I see. They go out. A little 122 00:10:46,710 --> 00:10:50,650 teddy bear will go to the taxi door, open the taxi door, and follow him at a 123 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,070 discreet distance into the club, you see, sir. So no man ever feels he's 124 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,250 entering the club on his own. 125 00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:59,190 Never? Never, sir. I've never seen a man come in here without a bear behind him. 126 00:11:01,250 --> 00:11:03,950 It's a tradition, you see, since last Tuesday. 127 00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:09,810 Tell me, how many of these lovely, delightful teddy bears do you have? 128 00:11:10,090 --> 00:11:11,890 At the moment, just the two, sir. 129 00:11:12,190 --> 00:11:13,730 Two? The wife and her mother. 130 00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:17,150 We are open to expand. 131 00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:18,570 Your mother -in -law. 132 00:11:18,910 --> 00:11:20,130 I'm not going to expand me mother -in -law. 133 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:24,470 You know, just pick it up as it is. Oh, I see what you mean. The fellas love 134 00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:27,410 her. The punters love me mother -in -law. Yes, she knows all the latest 135 00:11:27,410 --> 00:11:31,390 cocktails. Oh, I see. She tells them... She sells them in... 136 00:11:32,319 --> 00:11:33,440 In the bar, sir. 137 00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:34,980 Oh, yes, 138 00:11:35,740 --> 00:11:36,740 indeed, sir. 139 00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:38,020 No, 140 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,600 sir, you see, I mean, you could have a vermouth with a cherry in it, sir, 141 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,960 martini with an olive in it. If you like, you'd have a pint with a pickled 142 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:47,960 in it, sir. 143 00:11:48,260 --> 00:11:51,960 But in the bar, anything goes, sir. She gives them complete blancmange. 144 00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:55,300 Absolute charabagne in there, sir. 145 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,080 Could I get Cuba Libre in there? As a newt. 146 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,940 No, no, what I meant was, could I have something tall and cold with a lot of 147 00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:07,840 in it? Ah, we never let the wife go in the bath. 148 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:10,660 She doesn't go in, not since the accident. 149 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,680 She had one knocked over. 150 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,060 But she does the catering, you know, sir. She does? Yes, she makes the old 151 00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:20,360 sausage rolls, sir, you know. With her own hands? No, she uses chipolatas. 152 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,520 We do have a restaurant, sir. 153 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:29,480 We have a really, it's very continental cuisine, sir. What we call a la commode. 154 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,000 Is it topless? 155 00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:37,360 It was, yes, but they were up after the lead, you see, sir. And they were 156 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,900 finishing their soup six times, some of them, because of the leak. And it wasn't 157 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:41,900 leaked soup. 158 00:12:44,020 --> 00:12:49,660 Now, what I actually meant was, I mean, are your waitresses topless? 159 00:12:50,190 --> 00:12:51,310 Oh, no, sir. 160 00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:54,170 Oh, we wouldn't have anything like that in here, sir. 161 00:12:54,470 --> 00:12:58,130 Well, I mean, these girls, topless, they've got to serve a full meal, sir. 162 00:12:59,270 --> 00:13:03,990 Hot things and... They've got to lean across tables. 163 00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:07,990 I mean, you can ask a girl to take a thumb out your soup. 164 00:13:12,330 --> 00:13:15,970 Not only that, sir, some of the ponters that come in here are servicemen, you 165 00:13:15,970 --> 00:13:18,710 see, sir. Oh, I see. And they like to dance with the girls. Yes. 166 00:13:19,020 --> 00:13:21,080 And some of these servicemen have got medals. 167 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:26,120 And you can reckon on any week there's bound to be one flag day. 168 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:30,180 It's all right for the lifeboat men, but what about the poor girls? They're hoo 169 00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:34,060 -hoo -hoo like that all the time, you see, sir. I understand there are already 170 00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:38,660 500 topless waitresses in London. I think that's a thousand pitties, sir. 171 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,700 Honestly, think about it. 172 00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:47,540 No, don't think about it. I honestly do, sir. 173 00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:50,560 I'll be perfectly frank with you, sir, and I know you won't mind that. 174 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:57,080 I'll... Oh, I'll be earnest if you prefer. The thing is... The thing is, 175 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:01,160 see, sir, we did ask one of the girls to go out and serve a meal stripped to the 176 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,039 waist. Oh. 177 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,420 Well, I meant stripped down to the waist, you see, sir. She misunderstood. 178 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:07,280 Up to the waist. 179 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:08,660 It was a novelty. 180 00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:12,100 And then as she was going out, they were saying, that reminds me, you got any 181 00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,100 hot cross buns? 182 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,300 But really, sir, they come in for the food. The food, sir. 183 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,660 Impeccable. I just said impeccable, me though. 184 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:26,080 I mean, for your starter, sir, for example, sir. I mean, you could have an 185 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:27,500 asparagus soup, sir. 186 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,620 You could have a patty de false grass. 187 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,920 Avocado. Have two cardos, if you like. 188 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:37,380 Then the main meal, then for your afters. Your sweet. Thank you, sir. 189 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,440 I don't know about you television people, no. 190 00:14:48,860 --> 00:14:52,260 The thing is, sir, I mean, we give them, after we give them a little bowl with 191 00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:54,320 all the little pastries in, you think there's... Oh, putty four. 192 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:55,760 We putty half a dozen. 193 00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,380 You look up for him, you know, sir. Yes, I understand, Mr. 194 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,040 Scuttle, that you're shorted to publish a fun boy magazine. 195 00:15:04,460 --> 00:15:05,900 Oh, that would be real... Sorry. 196 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,500 That would be real rich. 197 00:15:09,230 --> 00:15:13,150 Oh, the fellows that go potty over that, they will say, yes. Might one say that 198 00:15:13,150 --> 00:15:18,050 this will be for the playboy to read in his Mayfair penthouse. 199 00:15:18,510 --> 00:15:19,510 Mightn't one? 200 00:15:22,650 --> 00:15:23,950 One might say that, sir. 201 00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:26,270 Especially if another one... Oh! 202 00:15:27,650 --> 00:15:31,970 Oh, yes. Oh, it's all swinging, sir. It'll all be happening, sir. How will 203 00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,990 differ from the plethora? I haven't read the plethora. 204 00:15:34,690 --> 00:15:38,590 Men only, I know a plethora. I don't know that one. No, no, I meant the 205 00:15:38,590 --> 00:15:41,410 of men's magazines. Oh, sir, we will be started. 206 00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:44,390 We start off with an advice column, sir. 207 00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:48,470 Oh, what to do for the lovelorn? What to do on the lovelorn. 208 00:15:51,770 --> 00:15:53,790 It's by Edgar Lustgarten. 209 00:15:59,030 --> 00:16:05,310 Then, of course, a wench of the week. A wench of the week? Peggy Mount, as you 210 00:16:05,310 --> 00:16:06,550 have always said to her. 211 00:16:08,830 --> 00:16:10,730 Thora Heard, more daring than ever. 212 00:16:11,830 --> 00:16:16,290 Jasmine Harrison, photographed on her birthday, wearing a suit suitable for 213 00:16:16,290 --> 00:16:19,790 occasion. We never commit ourselves, you see, because of the Lord Longford lot, 214 00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:20,810 you know. 215 00:16:22,020 --> 00:16:23,020 Sandy Shaw. 216 00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:26,140 Sandy Shaw barefoot, all over. 217 00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:30,040 Kathy Kirby in 3D. That'll knock their eyes out. 218 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:36,060 And for the ladies, Edward Heath, full frontal, sticking on his dinghy. 219 00:16:41,620 --> 00:16:45,880 In the channel. In his bath. 220 00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:55,280 You won't like it. You won't like it. You won't like it. 221 00:16:55,860 --> 00:16:57,360 I'll kill that electricity. 222 00:16:59,020 --> 00:17:05,800 Oh, what a Christmas we had this 223 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:06,800 year. 224 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:08,960 Wally sunk 12 quarts of beer. 225 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,700 Oh, that's intemperate, says Reverend Gray. Well, Wally says, well, being 226 00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:16,260 teetotal ain't that great. I mean, imagine waking up at eight and knowing 227 00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:17,640 the best you're going to feel all day. 228 00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:23,380 He says, but if I drop the worm in water, it'll wriggle like it ought to. 229 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:27,040 But in beer, it dies as if attacked by germs. 230 00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:31,120 And Wally says, well done. Hear that, everyone? Keep on drinking beer or 231 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,120 get worms. 232 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,360 And the hospital's working for all they was worth. 233 00:17:36,580 --> 00:17:38,320 Every hour, another birth. 234 00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:42,560 Vicar went down to see the new young mother. He said, hello, Sister Bell. 235 00:17:42,820 --> 00:17:46,580 Why ain't you expecting as well? She says, I work on the ether outing with 236 00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:47,580 others. 237 00:17:48,940 --> 00:17:51,540 Our dentist, Ivor Ball, had an emergency call. 238 00:17:52,180 --> 00:17:54,640 I'd take a tooth out for that nice Mrs. Spring. 239 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,020 She says, will there be any pain? 240 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:01,560 He says, I've done this time and time again, and I can truly say I've never 241 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:02,560 a thing. 242 00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:06,340 She says, I nearly didn't come today. I nearly stayed away. 243 00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:09,300 I'm sure the pain would be more than I can bear. 244 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,100 I'd rather have another baby. 245 00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:15,020 He just looks up and says, well, lady, make your mind up, because I've got to 246 00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:16,020 adjust the chair. 247 00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,780 We had decorations in the square. 248 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,840 Salvation Army band played there. 249 00:18:27,060 --> 00:18:29,840 Captain says, if you know the words, join in, and if not, um. 250 00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:31,720 And he sees the widow pike. 251 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,960 He says, and which him would you like? She says, oh, I'd like him with that big 252 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:35,960 drum. 253 00:18:36,420 --> 00:18:40,560 And that great fat teddy bishop staggers in the fish and chip shop. 254 00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:46,560 He says, fish and chips and half a cottage loaf. 255 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:50,480 She says, well, you've got to eat it here or you've got to take it with you. 256 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:52,440 says, darling, I expect I shall do both. 257 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,160 Eh? 258 00:18:57,380 --> 00:19:00,240 Well, he sees this Irish miss. He says, how about a kiss? 259 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:04,480 She says, what for? He says, well, I think it's a shame. I've never kissed 260 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,480 Blarney Stone. 261 00:19:05,660 --> 00:19:07,700 But I bet your lips have kissed it. 262 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,680 So if I kissed your lips, that would be the same. 263 00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:14,620 Well, her face, it was a joy. She just stood there looking coy. 264 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:18,220 And Ted, of course, he's proud of the way he's chatting it. She said, I'm 265 00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:20,560 to have to tell you, I've never kissed a bloody stone. 266 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,440 But I must confess that once or twice I've sat on it. 267 00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:27,760 Here, here, wait. 268 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:33,540 And old George got married again, boxy morning, half past ten. This time it was 269 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,060 Mrs. Hodge's daughter, June. 270 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,640 She looked all virginal and white. 271 00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:39,800 Then she says, George, tonight. 272 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,380 He says, tonight we blow this afternoon. 273 00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:45,360 Oh, dear. 274 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,680 And old Squire, he tells the players in our football club, after the game, 275 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:53,200 straight in the pub, you're on a point per man per every goal you score. 276 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:57,520 Well, of course, they didn't dream he'd say the same to the other team. We won 277 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:58,800 by 90 goals to 84. 278 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,460 The match bottle flew past these eggs. 279 00:20:03,710 --> 00:20:07,790 It's all right, I'm a faithless, he said. If your name's on it, then it'll 280 00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,230 your brains out, if you've got any. 281 00:20:09,470 --> 00:20:12,870 The bloke behind us started to shout. He says, let me out. 282 00:20:13,070 --> 00:20:15,530 And I says, what for? He says, because my name's Watley. 283 00:20:17,370 --> 00:20:20,130 Oh, well, Christmas Eve. 284 00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:23,130 Old Harry Dawes dresses up with Santa Claus. 285 00:20:23,550 --> 00:20:28,250 And he has a few and needs a map to find his way with. He goes down next door to 286 00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:29,250 Chimbley instead. 287 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:33,120 Ends up by Mrs. Toomer's bed and he says, I've got something lovely here for 288 00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,120 to play with. 289 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,980 Wow! I mean, Tim, it was all in sport. 290 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,200 This morning he's in court. And guess who's on the bench? Old Fishface Grimes. 291 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,940 He said, I shall not treat this case with leniency. 292 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,560 You've been charged with gross indecency. 293 00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:51,600 He said, cool, I ain't been indecent 144 times. 294 00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:57,560 says, this year there has been more lechery and sin than any other year I 295 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:02,320 recall. I award this lady ten quid. And Harry says, oh, splendid, and if I can 296 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,960 afford it, I'll give her a bob of two and all. 297 00:21:04,860 --> 00:21:10,160 Well, Christmas come and went, and we felt the time well spent. It was half a 298 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,100 bit more puddin'. Where is the bismuth? 299 00:21:12,540 --> 00:21:18,060 And though we drunk until we burst, may I be the first to wish you all a very 300 00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:19,140 merry Christmas. 301 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,920 You try rhyming with bismuth. 302 00:21:28,490 --> 00:21:33,090 And now we welcome to the show the lovely Lady Bird. 303 00:24:17,819 --> 00:24:20,200 Tough, hard -wearing, waterproof. 304 00:24:20,620 --> 00:24:27,340 That is why this paint is suitable... A 305 00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:30,920 touch of country goodness from St. Evil. 306 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,200 St. Evil? 307 00:24:32,300 --> 00:24:33,300 No! 308 00:24:34,100 --> 00:24:35,100 No! 309 00:24:37,580 --> 00:24:39,520 Get rid of him! Get rid of him! 310 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:40,659 And quick! 311 00:24:40,660 --> 00:24:42,200 I'll kill him. I'll kill him. 312 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,840 Stop the cameras. Stop. Oh, no. 313 00:24:47,220 --> 00:24:48,220 No. 314 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:49,760 No. 315 00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:54,440 No. Oh, the subtle girl. The subtle. 316 00:24:54,780 --> 00:24:57,460 What? Is another account gone? Oh, God. 317 00:24:59,420 --> 00:25:02,300 Get it. I'm going. No. Get out. 318 00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:04,560 You're sacked. Both of you are sacked. 319 00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,260 Difficult thing. Just wash off. 320 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,160 something soft. 321 00:25:19,540 --> 00:25:21,160 Soft even in your heart. 322 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,780 Blow it! Blow it! 323 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,040 I'm bloody blowing it. 324 00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:35,700 Oh! 325 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,140 I've opened myself now. 326 00:25:37,380 --> 00:25:40,460 Oh, that made me ask for it. Just wash off. 327 00:25:52,750 --> 00:25:56,210 We're going... Are we going again? 328 00:25:56,950 --> 00:26:01,810 If it'll hold this in place, think what it'll do for your hair. 329 00:26:05,050 --> 00:26:08,030 It's the last one we've got, you silly fat cow. 330 00:26:08,430 --> 00:26:12,810 Come on, come on, come on. I mean, I think we can all... Go bloody hell! 331 00:26:16,330 --> 00:26:17,330 Wait a minute! 332 00:26:17,650 --> 00:26:21,730 Right, now, any last times with me, get extra... 333 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,920 of Old Jakarta Rum. 334 00:26:26,900 --> 00:26:31,160 I can now join you in signing with me. 335 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,440 Sign now. Sign now. 336 00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:40,740 It wasn't 337 00:26:40,740 --> 00:26:42,820 my fault. It wasn't my fault, Keith, honestly. 338 00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:48,080 If you're breeding pedigree dogs like young Dilly here, always insist on 339 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,200 pedigree, Ben. You can't beat it because it... 340 00:26:52,750 --> 00:26:56,870 and calm, and that's very, very essential to a dog, you know, especially 341 00:26:56,870 --> 00:27:03,650 you're house -training a dog, to keep them cool and calm, because otherwise if 342 00:27:03,650 --> 00:27:09,210 they get over it, oh my God, I think it's a... I think it's a... 343 00:27:09,210 --> 00:27:14,310 I think it's a... Hold on a minute, I think she's a little bit excited. 344 00:27:14,610 --> 00:27:15,930 Could you get that cat... 345 00:27:26,890 --> 00:27:28,530 It is Jack Norrie. 346 00:27:29,710 --> 00:27:31,170 I don't know his mother. 347 00:27:32,270 --> 00:27:34,770 But Jack Norrie. Are you comfortable? 348 00:27:37,070 --> 00:27:38,730 Then I will start. 349 00:27:39,390 --> 00:27:40,570 One upon two. 350 00:27:42,250 --> 00:27:46,190 There lived a young woman with the name of Goldie Lockshin. 351 00:27:47,730 --> 00:27:51,290 And she was called Goldie Lockshin because she had the most beautiful 352 00:27:51,290 --> 00:27:52,670 hair all the way down the back. 353 00:27:52,970 --> 00:27:54,590 On the head she was bald. 354 00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:03,160 And he had a whole beautiful figure with little crystals and big breasts. 355 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:10,700 And one day he was walking in front of a cloud in the black forest. 356 00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:13,120 Not with bird comfort. 357 00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:16,360 But with beautiful flowers. 358 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,660 Not flowers for wearing, for sniffing. 359 00:28:21,100 --> 00:28:22,580 The rhododendron. 360 00:28:23,660 --> 00:28:25,140 And chrysanthemum. 361 00:28:26,570 --> 00:28:30,430 And the blueberries and the daffodils. And he was talking up and down all the 362 00:28:30,430 --> 00:28:32,890 time. And don't forget, I'm only acting. 363 00:28:34,870 --> 00:28:36,070 I'm a little poof. 364 00:28:40,310 --> 00:28:43,890 And he hears a voice. 365 00:28:44,110 --> 00:28:45,770 He turns and there was Hans. 366 00:28:46,050 --> 00:28:52,590 Hans Knees and Bums. A beautiful young woodcutter with a small 367 00:28:52,590 --> 00:28:55,570 knuckle and a big chopper and... 368 00:28:58,670 --> 00:29:04,050 Er gesagt, Goldilockschen, willst du kommen in dieser kleine Cottage mit mir 369 00:29:04,050 --> 00:29:05,810 eine Tasse Koko haben? 370 00:29:06,750 --> 00:29:10,810 Und er gedenkt, eine Stück Koko mit dieser höflichen Jungmasch, die sind 371 00:29:10,810 --> 00:29:15,050 gut. So, er geht zu der Hause, trocken und singen und denken, what chocolate, 372 00:29:15,250 --> 00:29:17,130 drinking chocolate, what chocolate. 373 00:29:19,110 --> 00:29:24,110 Und er geht zu der Haus und Goldilockschen gesagt, oh, ich bin, ich 374 00:29:24,150 --> 00:29:26,150 so haben sie seine Chopper gewippen auch. 375 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:33,460 Where in the forest they go for the woodcutting, for the fire making, for 376 00:29:33,460 --> 00:29:34,460 worm making. 377 00:29:35,180 --> 00:29:40,020 So they go away and Goldilocks is alone in the house. But this house is the 378 00:29:40,020 --> 00:29:41,660 house of the three bears. 379 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,600 And the three bears are very comical bears. 380 00:29:45,940 --> 00:29:48,420 Two bears were bow -legged. 381 00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:51,460 And one was knuckle -kneed. 382 00:29:52,060 --> 00:29:54,620 And when they stand together, they play also. 383 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:03,120 Er war Mutterbär und Vaterbär. 384 00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:07,860 Und der ganze kleine Gummi -Babibär. 385 00:30:08,060 --> 00:30:14,060 So, Goldilockschen, er sitzen an der Wartebärstuhle und etwas zu hart. 386 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:18,240 So, er sitzen an der Babibärstuhle und etwas zu saft. 387 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:22,200 So, er sitzen an der Mutterbärstuhle und war sehr gut für seine ganze schöne 388 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:23,200 Tochers. 389 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:28,430 So. ... ... 390 00:30:28,430 --> 00:30:32,670 ... 391 00:30:32,670 --> 00:30:37,950 ... 392 00:30:37,950 --> 00:30:43,550 ... ... ... 393 00:30:55,630 --> 00:30:57,250 The halter for the bussen! 394 00:30:58,130 --> 00:31:00,690 We have viel dummkopfen hier heute Abend. 395 00:31:01,990 --> 00:31:04,870 So, Berg, oh, es ist bestimmt ganz warm, der bussenhalle. 396 00:31:05,850 --> 00:31:07,430 Then the cami pantsers. 397 00:31:08,530 --> 00:31:10,170 Und then the corset. 398 00:31:10,850 --> 00:31:11,850 Oh, 399 00:31:12,130 --> 00:31:14,330 oh, meine Gürtel ist killen mich. 400 00:31:15,690 --> 00:31:18,010 So, and wenn er was nackert... 401 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,020 Er wird in das Bett gehen. 402 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:23,320 Schweine... Pardon. 403 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:24,360 Schweine in das Bett. 404 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:27,440 Kommen die drei Bären. 405 00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:33,300 Und der Wartebär sagt, Who has been eating my porridge? 406 00:31:33,660 --> 00:31:37,140 Und der Babybär gesagt, Who has been eating my porridge? 407 00:31:37,380 --> 00:31:40,760 Und der Mutterbär gesagt, Sie sind alt, dummkopf, und ich habe nicht jetzt 408 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:41,760 Wartebär. 409 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:48,520 So then, off the stairs we go, and into the bedroom. 410 00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:52,680 And the mother bear said, who has been sleeping in my bed? 411 00:31:53,020 --> 00:31:56,440 And the baby bear said, who has been sleeping in my bed? 412 00:31:56,720 --> 00:31:59,400 And the water bear closed the door and said, good night. 413 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:05,120 So mom is so nice. 414 00:32:06,580 --> 00:32:07,580 No, 415 00:32:08,980 --> 00:32:14,040 no, and he was getting in the bed. Then, Google Action is up again. 416 00:32:15,430 --> 00:32:18,010 And he said, I can't sleep with a bear. 417 00:32:18,250 --> 00:32:20,750 And the bear said, I'm not a bear. 418 00:32:21,010 --> 00:32:22,650 I'm a man. 419 00:32:23,150 --> 00:32:27,670 And the man started to take off his skin. And Goldilocks said, why? 420 00:32:27,890 --> 00:32:33,770 If you're a man, you're hiding all the time, always hiding in the bear skin. 421 00:32:34,010 --> 00:32:36,810 And he said, because I'm Martin Burman. 422 00:32:37,930 --> 00:32:39,390 And I'm not dead. 423 00:32:39,910 --> 00:32:42,070 And Arnold is also not dead. 424 00:32:42,410 --> 00:32:43,790 And the war is not over. 425 00:33:04,889 --> 00:33:09,450 My baby's not a portable TV that she takes it with her all the time And she 426 00:33:09,450 --> 00:33:14,450 takes it when we go out of walking or rowing on the serpentine One out just 427 00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:19,570 night in the pale moonlight, I asked her for a kiss. But instead of looking into 428 00:33:19,570 --> 00:33:22,090 her lovely eyes, all that I could see was this. 429 00:33:22,630 --> 00:33:24,690 She is very beautiful, isn't she? 430 00:33:25,550 --> 00:33:28,810 That's why I appreciate her devotion to me so much. 431 00:33:29,050 --> 00:33:33,430 Oh, she's devoted to me, make no mistake about that. She shows it in so many 432 00:33:33,430 --> 00:33:39,450 ways. She worries about my career, my health, and sometimes I think she should 433 00:33:39,450 --> 00:33:42,850 get a younger man. I suggested to her trying to come to me. 434 00:33:45,530 --> 00:33:50,330 Not just her, but all three of you. You're worrying all the time about my 435 00:33:50,330 --> 00:33:54,390 health, my career, and everything about me. 436 00:33:54,930 --> 00:34:01,050 I don't know. I'm such a lucky man to have this wonderful... Ah, you're good, 437 00:34:01,190 --> 00:34:02,690 you're kind, you're decent. 438 00:34:03,290 --> 00:34:04,290 You're American. 439 00:34:05,030 --> 00:34:06,530 I like that in a person. 440 00:34:07,130 --> 00:34:10,670 An American, that means a lot to me. It really does. 441 00:34:11,650 --> 00:34:13,590 Hmm. Push a little bit harder, will you? 442 00:34:14,409 --> 00:34:17,929 I went round to the house where my baby lived to ask for a date. 443 00:34:18,870 --> 00:34:23,389 There I was, walking up the garden path around about a half -hour's date, when I 444 00:34:23,389 --> 00:34:27,230 heard a sound, man, before I found what had stopped me in my stride. 445 00:34:27,530 --> 00:34:31,389 I seemed to hear the voice of another guy coming from inside. 446 00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:37,969 I asked my husband if he'd trust the turkey. 447 00:34:39,449 --> 00:34:40,510 And he said, 448 00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:42,760 With my life. 449 00:34:44,300 --> 00:34:50,560 And then I said to him, what would you say to a sole bon femme? 450 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:56,760 And he said, bonjour, sole bon femme. 451 00:34:58,260 --> 00:35:04,540 Then I asked him if he had any time for stuffing. 452 00:35:05,820 --> 00:35:09,420 Some days it doesn't pay you to get up. 453 00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,340 I'd like to take her portable TV set and throw it in the deep blue sea. 454 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:21,900 Why, I'm so jealous of her portable TV set because it takes her mind off me. 455 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:26,520 I said, oh, baby, please be mine. I want you for my own. 456 00:35:27,140 --> 00:35:30,820 Tell me, is your love for somebody else or is it for me alone? 457 00:35:41,100 --> 00:35:43,180 Also, for either pain. 458 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:47,640 The hollies, prickle -bottom rolls, itch in her. 459 00:35:48,300 --> 00:35:55,080 And tonight, he and his lovely wife are celebrating their 25th 460 00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:56,260 wedding anniversary. 461 00:35:56,800 --> 00:36:03,340 And, you know, nowadays, with divorce being so prevalent, there's just a lot 462 00:36:03,340 --> 00:36:07,640 it about people living in permissive society. 463 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:12,320 It's nice to know that a couple have stayed together. 464 00:36:13,020 --> 00:36:19,740 in wedded bliss for 25 years and tonight they'll be watching the 465 00:36:19,740 --> 00:36:26,180 program with their 27 year old son and they 466 00:36:26,180 --> 00:36:32,280 go on to say that until we saw your program we didn't know 467 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:39,260 what wickedness and sin was and i think that's lovely to get a 468 00:36:39,260 --> 00:36:40,260 letter 469 00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:48,340 I swore to her that I would be always true and love her all the while. 470 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:52,660 And on the whole so happy day and may I took her down the aisle. 471 00:36:52,900 --> 00:36:56,980 Now do you take this man to be your loving husband, the preacher softly 472 00:36:57,340 --> 00:37:01,440 But he never heard her ladylike reply. He heard the ladybird's instead. 473 00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:03,220 Mrs. Shensei. 474 00:37:23,720 --> 00:37:26,420 spend our honeymoon down on the island of Capri. 475 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,860 I found ourselves a very small hotel as quiet as can be. 476 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:37,580 But when I got up to our room upon our wedding night, this is the sight that 477 00:37:37,580 --> 00:37:39,900 my eyes as I switched out the light. 478 00:37:40,500 --> 00:37:42,200 Ah, darling. 479 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:46,460 Here, where's the television set? 480 00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:48,200 Television? He won't... 481 00:38:15,630 --> 00:38:19,350 I've been on the continent. That's where I've been. Ooh, baby, well, I heard 482 00:38:19,350 --> 00:38:21,790 your little old prime minister was sold on the common market. 483 00:38:22,170 --> 00:38:23,970 And I wondered where you get him from. 484 00:38:24,570 --> 00:38:29,890 And, uh, he's getting almost as chubby as what I am, ain't he? Ooh, he's cute 485 00:38:29,890 --> 00:38:31,430 a crook as a lot of compound teeth. 486 00:38:31,730 --> 00:38:32,730 I tell you. 487 00:38:33,150 --> 00:38:37,590 Anyway, I was in Spain in Barcelona, and I'm speaking to this little Spanish 488 00:38:37,590 --> 00:38:38,590 incinerator. 489 00:38:39,830 --> 00:38:42,350 And I says to her, senor, gracias. 490 00:38:46,510 --> 00:38:48,050 Senior bonus knockers. 491 00:38:49,610 --> 00:38:53,610 And ooh, E .C .J. wouldn't believe I weren't Spanish. Now, how about that? I 492 00:38:53,610 --> 00:38:56,970 reckon I can understand some of them better than I understand you lot out 493 00:38:57,030 --> 00:38:57,689 You know that? 494 00:38:57,690 --> 00:38:59,930 I'll tell you something. I was on the underground. 495 00:39:00,210 --> 00:39:01,210 Was it Piccadilly? 496 00:39:01,810 --> 00:39:03,750 No? It was Lasseter Square. 497 00:39:04,910 --> 00:39:08,890 I was on the underground there alongside where they sexy photographs are. They 498 00:39:08,890 --> 00:39:10,750 sexy gals wearing nothing but their braziers. 499 00:39:11,770 --> 00:39:15,190 You know what I mean? Now, you notice I say braziers. I didn't say brassiere. 500 00:39:16,010 --> 00:39:18,010 They're there for warming your hands on. I know that. 501 00:39:19,470 --> 00:39:23,810 Anyway, there's a sign up there, and it says dogs must be carried on an 502 00:39:23,810 --> 00:39:27,110 escalator. I look around ten minutes, I couldn't find a dog in no place. 503 00:39:28,930 --> 00:39:29,930 How about that? 504 00:39:30,230 --> 00:39:33,370 And then they tell me I'm going to be staying at a boating house. 505 00:39:33,790 --> 00:39:36,350 Now, I thought they said boating house. 506 00:39:36,710 --> 00:39:41,950 And when I see the landlady, she looked like a chest of drawers with a second 507 00:39:41,950 --> 00:39:43,390 drawer halfway out. You know what I mean? 508 00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:48,940 She takes me up to my room, points to a sign, and then she sort of chassés out. 509 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:50,360 I look over the sign. You know what the sign says? 510 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,380 Be in bed before I am. 511 00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:55,240 Oh, baby, I was in bed at 8 o 'clock every night. 512 00:39:55,980 --> 00:39:59,180 And I found I was being in bed before 1 a .m. 513 00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:03,960 As I know that. 514 00:40:04,900 --> 00:40:09,140 And then another sign says, keep your feet off the diving suit. 515 00:40:10,420 --> 00:40:13,160 Well, I look around. I couldn't find a diving suit in the whole place. That was 516 00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:14,160 dive and sweep. 517 00:40:15,340 --> 00:40:18,860 And then her husband, he's a nice little old fellow. He says to me, if you're 518 00:40:18,860 --> 00:40:22,220 cold in the night, just bang on the ceiling and you can have my order down. 519 00:40:23,260 --> 00:40:26,360 Now, I didn't want to come between husband and wife. I wouldn't do it. 520 00:40:26,900 --> 00:40:31,660 So I'll tell you, I went abroad. I went to the travel agency. There was signs 521 00:40:31,660 --> 00:40:36,640 there for the tours. There was the Asian tour, the African tour, the Indian 522 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:40,900 tour. I said, please take tour you require clearly and distinctly. You want 523 00:40:40,900 --> 00:40:41,900 nobody there. 524 00:40:42,110 --> 00:40:45,010 and I heard a fellow in the next room pouring himself a cup of coffee. 525 00:40:45,430 --> 00:40:47,150 At least, I think that's what he was doing. 526 00:40:50,370 --> 00:40:51,970 I yelled out, European! 527 00:40:56,890 --> 00:41:00,030 I did not say that. I just noticed you didn't say that. 528 00:41:00,910 --> 00:41:03,450 Anyway, I took my cousin Tex with me. 529 00:41:03,730 --> 00:41:06,430 He calls himself Tex. He don't come from Texas. 530 00:41:06,730 --> 00:41:08,570 He comes from Mablethorpe. 531 00:41:09,130 --> 00:41:11,250 I mean, he don't like being called Mabel. 532 00:41:11,650 --> 00:41:14,390 I don't know, it suits him. Anyway, I'll tell you. 533 00:41:14,750 --> 00:41:17,130 I was in Paris, France, Europe. 534 00:41:19,150 --> 00:41:23,730 At the hotel, I was washing my hands one morning and wondering why that 535 00:41:23,730 --> 00:41:26,290 Professor Freud only ever made cold water taps. 536 00:41:29,870 --> 00:41:31,150 I don't mind waiting. 537 00:41:33,630 --> 00:41:36,350 Anyway, I look out the window, little old fella getting married. 538 00:41:36,670 --> 00:41:40,230 I says, the chambermaid, I says, who's getting married? She says, Junice Paul. 539 00:41:41,770 --> 00:41:45,210 Next morning, there's a funeral. I say, who are they burying? She says, Junice 540 00:41:45,210 --> 00:41:46,950 Paul. I say, well, he didn't last long. 541 00:41:49,190 --> 00:41:52,050 I say, if you've got to go, that's the way to go, ain't it, eh? 542 00:41:53,230 --> 00:41:57,930 And ain't they little froggy boys, hot -blooded? I tell you, I was up near the 543 00:41:57,930 --> 00:42:02,230 Arc de Trumpet, alongside the champion, Lars House. 544 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:10,560 I'm sitting outside this restaurant on the terrace. 545 00:42:13,260 --> 00:42:17,000 And there's a little old froggy boy there. He was whistling the gals and 546 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:20,780 pitching them when they went past. I said to him, hey, old timer, it's memory 547 00:42:20,780 --> 00:42:21,780 lane for you, isn't it? 548 00:42:21,980 --> 00:42:26,520 I said, when was the last time you had a little romp in the hay? To do any good, 549 00:42:26,580 --> 00:42:27,359 I mean. 550 00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:29,100 He said, 1945. 551 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:34,880 I'd say, well, that's a long time ago. He'd say, no, it's only 8 o 'clock now. 552 00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:39,800 How about that? 553 00:42:40,020 --> 00:42:41,120 How about that? 554 00:42:41,780 --> 00:42:42,780 Anyway, 555 00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:49,780 I was in Amsterdiam, in that diam, diam square in 556 00:42:49,780 --> 00:42:52,800 Amsterdiam. Oh, we'd have full of little hippies there. There was one little 557 00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:56,460 hippie gal. Oh, she were pretty as a pimple on a pound of pickle pork. 558 00:42:57,720 --> 00:42:59,360 She only had one shoe on. 559 00:42:59,710 --> 00:43:03,490 I said, now, poor little hippie gal. I said, you lose a shoe? She said, no, I 560 00:43:03,490 --> 00:43:04,490 found one. 561 00:43:06,190 --> 00:43:07,109 Please help. 562 00:43:07,110 --> 00:43:08,110 Anyway. 563 00:43:08,750 --> 00:43:13,530 So there, I'm in the hotel there, and I go to wash my hands, and there weren't 564 00:43:13,530 --> 00:43:16,950 no towel. I said to the landlady, how am I going to dry my hands? She said, 565 00:43:17,030 --> 00:43:18,030 stick them out the window. 566 00:43:18,870 --> 00:43:21,210 I said, well, it's a good job I won't go and take a bath. 567 00:43:24,710 --> 00:43:27,030 I showed them a thing or two, I tell you. 568 00:43:27,450 --> 00:43:28,450 Anyway. 569 00:43:28,670 --> 00:43:33,910 Hamburg! Ooh -wee, baby, is that a tell? I tell you, I know how a hamburger 570 00:43:33,910 --> 00:43:34,910 feels now. 571 00:43:35,150 --> 00:43:37,810 Ooh -wee, they girls sure made mincemeat out of me. 572 00:43:39,290 --> 00:43:45,790 We was staying at the best hotel in Hamburg, right between the River Elbe 573 00:43:45,790 --> 00:43:47,650 and the Alster. 574 00:43:48,050 --> 00:43:51,810 And I asked the porter to direct me to a nice little restaurant. He pointed the 575 00:43:51,810 --> 00:43:52,488 wrong direction. 576 00:43:52,490 --> 00:43:55,090 I don't reckon he knew his Alster from his Elbe. 577 00:43:57,150 --> 00:43:58,150 Anyway. 578 00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:05,980 This little old street there and this long house with a lot of windows and a 579 00:44:05,980 --> 00:44:08,040 of sassy little gals sitting in the windows there. 580 00:44:09,220 --> 00:44:12,420 And they was like talking to sailors. 581 00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:15,300 Some was reading books. 582 00:44:15,740 --> 00:44:19,820 I think maybe the light was a bit better there so they sit in the window. I 583 00:44:19,820 --> 00:44:21,040 thought it was a soup kitchen. 584 00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:24,940 I heard this sailor say he's going in for a basin full. 585 00:44:28,060 --> 00:44:32,720 Me and Tex goes in. I said, now you don't speak German and these saucy 586 00:44:32,720 --> 00:44:35,480 gals don't speak English. How are you going to communicate? 587 00:44:36,020 --> 00:44:38,240 He said, I'm going to draw what I want. 588 00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:42,660 I said, you draw what you wanted in Spain. 589 00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:48,240 He wanted steak and mushrooms, eat you a picture of a cow and a mushroom, wait 590 00:44:48,240 --> 00:44:51,040 to come back with a sunshade and two tickets for a boat ride. 591 00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:57,520 Anyway, this saucy little gal's chassis is over. 592 00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:03,120 And sits down, and he takes the pencil, and he draws a picture of a cigar. 593 00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:09,780 Well... She looks at it for a little while. 594 00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:19,740 Then she ups and goes away, comes back with a cigar. Then he draws a pot of 595 00:45:19,740 --> 00:45:22,720 beer. She goes away, comes back with a pot of beer. Now, how about that? And 596 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,660 then she takes the pencil, and she takes the paper. 597 00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:28,720 And she drawed a picture of a band. 598 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,860 And he says, well, hoo -wee, baby! 599 00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:34,060 He said, don't that beat all. 600 00:45:34,580 --> 00:45:37,220 Now, how did she know I was a furniture salesman? 601 00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:41,120 That's what he said. Well, now, round about here, folks. 602 00:45:41,440 --> 00:45:42,640 I'm going to sing at you. 603 00:45:42,860 --> 00:45:44,600 I don't know why you done me no harm. 604 00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:50,560 I've written me a topical little song, and it's called the Common Market Square 605 00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:51,560 Dance. 606 00:46:01,779 --> 00:46:04,940 Now you meet a man from Poland, you call him a Pole. If you meet a man from 607 00:46:04,940 --> 00:46:07,840 Holland, don't you dare call him a Hole. See a drunk Italian, and what do you 608 00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:09,340 say? Why, hi, diddly, hi, hi. 609 00:46:09,660 --> 00:46:12,080 Okay, you wake up in Paris when the sun is breaking through. 610 00:46:12,340 --> 00:46:13,340 Here's a custom throw in. 611 00:46:14,300 --> 00:46:17,340 Naughty folly bear, shadow boy, you might see something that you shouldn't 612 00:46:17,660 --> 00:46:18,660 That's me. 613 00:46:20,380 --> 00:46:24,100 Buy yourself a good praise book, and you open it up, and you take a look. 614 00:46:24,440 --> 00:46:28,120 Open up the porch. Shut that door. 615 00:46:28,480 --> 00:46:30,200 Father of two. 616 00:46:31,060 --> 00:46:36,340 I love Dick. I mean, I love you, I'm sorry. Now you're really cooking with 617 00:46:36,820 --> 00:46:38,060 But at two degrees. 618 00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:45,200 Click your heels and flash your teeth. It's Willy Brandt and Edward Heath. Join 619 00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:46,580 hands, pass the money round. 620 00:46:46,940 --> 00:46:50,740 Broke the mark and think the pound. German wine and sauerkraut. 621 00:46:51,050 --> 00:46:55,010 Belgian beer and Brussels sprouts. When you go shopping, if things get any 622 00:46:55,010 --> 00:46:59,450 worse, you'll carry your money in your basket and your shopping in your purse. 623 00:47:02,670 --> 00:47:03,670 Here we go. 624 00:47:18,510 --> 00:47:19,109 Bye, everybody. 625 00:47:19,110 --> 00:47:22,570 Now, we'll see you all again real soon. And don't forget, so you stop on by next 626 00:47:22,570 --> 00:47:24,710 time we're around, won't you? Bye now. Bye. 53780

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