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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,150 --> 00:00:16,510 Hello, you gorgeous creature. 2 00:00:17,990 --> 00:00:19,810 My, you're looking attractive today. 3 00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:23,490 Thank you, darling. 4 00:00:24,390 --> 00:00:28,290 I love you. My own sweet, precious, wonderful person. 5 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,330 Oh, darling, thank you. Thank you again. 6 00:00:33,390 --> 00:00:37,090 I want to hold you in my arms and rain kisses on you until the dawn. 7 00:00:40,510 --> 00:00:41,930 Oh, darling, thank you. 8 00:00:49,540 --> 00:00:52,420 Well, I do like you so much. I like kissing you because it's nice. 9 00:00:56,580 --> 00:01:00,600 I want to kiss you and love you and hold you in my arms all night and rain 10 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,000 kisses over your lovely naked body until the dawn. 11 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,160 Hello, George. 12 00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:08,420 How's the wife and kid? 13 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,180 It's the Benny Hill Show, and here is Benny Hill. 14 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:24,000 La -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee. My 15 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:28,940 lovely Auntie Lil took our bus Inspector Bill into her bedroom and with great 16 00:01:28,940 --> 00:01:34,240 annoyance said, Outside our house you put a stop and all the passengers on top 17 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,900 can look in and see my husband and me in bed. 18 00:01:37,530 --> 00:01:41,310 He said, you're joking. She said, you'll see. Just lay down on the bed with me. 19 00:01:41,510 --> 00:01:44,010 So we lay down with her to avoid more fuss. 20 00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:49,110 Her old man came in and saw him, but Bill kept his decorum. He said, it's all 21 00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:51,130 right. I'm just waiting for a bus. 22 00:01:51,890 --> 00:01:57,190 The early morning mist, the first time we got kissed outside the churchyard. 23 00:01:59,130 --> 00:02:03,430 Some words of wisdom spoken by a man whose face was all inclined. 24 00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:06,250 La -da -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee. 25 00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:15,020 of a song that we used to sing as children these are the things you'll 26 00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:17,440 among the ashes of the dustbins of your 27 00:02:24,460 --> 00:02:28,940 an outing by the sea, two old men sat near to me, took their boots off for a 28 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:30,140 paddle by the pier. 29 00:02:30,620 --> 00:02:35,140 One of them said, you rotten swine, your feet are dirtier than mine. He said, of 30 00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:37,340 course they are, I didn't come last year. 31 00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:43,500 Well, he was by the sand, the boy was holding in his hands a quality board 32 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,500 the cafeteria. 33 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:49,000 He dropped it down the lady's neck, and she honoured, bloomin' heck, that 34 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,980 seagull must have flown straight from Siberia. 35 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,440 First time that we kissed outside the churchyard. 36 00:02:59,340 --> 00:03:04,480 Some words of wisdom spoken by a gentleman whose face was old and blind. 37 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:10,000 -dee, la -da -dee, la -da -dee. The swiftly fading memory of a song that he 38 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,260 to sing as children. 39 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,180 These are the things you'll find among the ashes of the dustbin. 40 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,840 As Charlie passed away, his young wife heard him say, I've been unfaithful to 41 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,320 you many times, my dear. 42 00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:34,520 She said, oh, darling, never mind. In fact, I knew it all the time. 43 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:37,300 That's why I put that arsenic in your beer. 44 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:44,520 It was the one outside our gents. It was opened up officially last year. 45 00:03:44,940 --> 00:03:49,580 And it was christened by Lord Ray and people came from miles away because 46 00:03:49,580 --> 00:03:51,500 heard tell that he was a liberal beer. 47 00:03:53,959 --> 00:03:57,540 The first time that we kissed outside the churchyard. 48 00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:03,940 Some words of wisdom spoken by a gentleman whose face was overblown. 49 00:04:06,220 --> 00:04:11,360 The swiftly fading memory of a song that we used to sing as children. 50 00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:17,899 These are the things you'll find among the others of the dustbins of your mind. 51 00:04:26,510 --> 00:04:29,690 Ladies and gentlemen, it's very nice to be with you all once again, and very 52 00:04:29,690 --> 00:04:33,490 nice indeed to be able to welcome to the show my old friend, Hugh Paddock. 53 00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:42,370 Good evening and welcome. 54 00:04:42,690 --> 00:04:44,290 An army march is on its way. 55 00:04:44,630 --> 00:04:45,630 True or false? 56 00:04:45,790 --> 00:04:49,310 Let's try and find out the answer to that one as we greet my first guest, on 57 00:04:49,310 --> 00:04:52,050 leave from North Africa, Colonel Eatwell of the Royal... 58 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,460 Army catering corps. 59 00:04:53,700 --> 00:04:55,920 Eat well by name, eat well by nature. 60 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:01,360 Are the lads going to get the same slap -up Christmas dinner that they had last 61 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,800 year? Well, you see, last year my cook was Captain Kemp. 62 00:05:05,220 --> 00:05:06,500 An officer? 63 00:05:06,780 --> 00:05:07,780 A corporal. 64 00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:11,020 Captain Kemp was a corporal? No, the corporal was Captain Kemp. 65 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:16,040 Oh, Captain Kemp. Yes, do listen. There's a good camel. You're going to go 66 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:20,180 over the place. And you... 67 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:25,540 You see, this fellow said... Sidney. George. 68 00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:32,800 George. George said... To me, he said... Sir, he said... We, we, we, we 69 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:38,040 always have... He said, sir, we're going to need a lot of pepper. 70 00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:41,400 Oh, ground pepper, okay. Tea and pepper. 71 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:42,920 Black pepper. 72 00:05:42,980 --> 00:05:43,980 I think pepper. 73 00:05:45,060 --> 00:05:47,020 You see, fortunately, we have... 74 00:05:52,590 --> 00:05:56,310 Arab girl. She used to help out in the kitchen. She was awfully handy. Well, 75 00:05:56,310 --> 00:05:59,950 had to be because the corporal used to bite her thighs and dumplings. 76 00:06:02,030 --> 00:06:05,650 Well, we all used to bite her thighs and dumplings. 77 00:06:06,770 --> 00:06:11,350 You used to bite her thighs and dumplings. Sometimes it was more than a 78 00:06:11,350 --> 00:06:12,350 and dumplings. 79 00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:14,370 She was a lovely little girl. 80 00:06:14,610 --> 00:06:16,970 But the dinner, though, was it a success? 81 00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:21,410 Yeah, howling success in more ways than one, you see. We did invite her along 82 00:06:21,410 --> 00:06:25,350 these high, high, high, high, high, wonderful times. 83 00:06:26,850 --> 00:06:31,330 These Highland chappies, you see, and when they had the dumpling, they said it 84 00:06:31,330 --> 00:06:32,330 was pudding. 85 00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:35,510 Christmas pudding. Pudding them off their food. 86 00:06:38,430 --> 00:06:39,450 What was? 87 00:06:40,190 --> 00:06:41,310 The paper. 88 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:46,260 Paper, oh, the K and the ground, white, black pepper. 89 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:49,000 The bag paper. 90 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:56,020 And then all of a sudden, after the party, Jesus, he said, 91 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:59,300 where's all those lovely, tasty cheeses? 92 00:07:01,980 --> 00:07:07,280 You know, I thought it was rather witty. I say, I come and bear the food for 93 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:10,320 him. Oh, so he's Scottish, you say. 94 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:16,220 maids had got up. He said, where's all those nice taffs? And this Arab girl 95 00:07:16,220 --> 00:07:19,300 in with a bucket and went up to the corporal and said, a pound of fillet. He 96 00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:20,720 said, a pound you bloody don't. 97 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:28,540 I said, the sauce is odd. 98 00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:32,140 I said, this sauce is odd. 99 00:07:33,740 --> 00:07:39,000 And I said, is it okay? And he said, if it's okay with me, you've got to 100 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,160 remember Tubby Turner. 101 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:47,200 Yes. What kind of men are the catering corps? Well, you see, they're short 102 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,200 arse. 103 00:07:50,060 --> 00:07:55,140 But they're awkward arse. And sometimes they have to work to the early arse. 104 00:07:55,540 --> 00:08:01,840 So, you see, they... I don't mind waiting. I'm in no hurry. 105 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:08,840 They therefore have to be very adaptable. 106 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,980 But they're not combatant. They're very competent. 107 00:08:12,340 --> 00:08:13,219 No, no, no. 108 00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:17,020 Not combatant. Oh, well, speak up, because I can't hear what you're saying. 109 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,560 Are they entitled to bear arms? 110 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,200 Oh, yes. Bear legs, bear anything they like. 111 00:08:26,030 --> 00:08:29,450 time, of course. Are they ever called upon to kill? Yes, indeed. 112 00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:34,210 Have you ever killed? Well, I've been pretty close to it once. I remember I 113 00:08:34,210 --> 00:08:38,650 with a bunch of officers and we'd been on the wine for quite a bit, you know. 114 00:08:38,850 --> 00:08:39,850 Red wine. 115 00:08:40,669 --> 00:08:42,490 White wine. The river wine. 116 00:08:44,870 --> 00:08:47,890 We saw these tin cherries, you see. Oh, tasty. 117 00:08:48,150 --> 00:08:51,310 Who? The tin cherries. I'm talking about tin cherries. 118 00:08:55,470 --> 00:08:57,530 I mean, they've got a handle to their name, you know. 119 00:08:59,870 --> 00:09:06,830 I observed them lying by a fat wench, you see. 120 00:09:06,950 --> 00:09:11,710 A German girl. Who? The fat wench. No, I said they were lying by that wench. 121 00:09:12,070 --> 00:09:15,590 And they all spotted me except one little officer. 122 00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:17,860 And they all, of course, went off, you know. 123 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:22,820 I had him to my side. I was going to shoot and I thought, I don't know. I saw 124 00:09:22,820 --> 00:09:27,280 that look on his face, that lovely warm smile on his face underneath that little 125 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,660 Charlie Chaplin moustache. 126 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:32,640 Those lovely warm human eyes under that shock of black hair. 127 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:39,200 And I thought to myself, no, I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I said, go on now. 128 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,220 Blow off, is the answer. 129 00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:45,980 I didn't say that. I don't want to, because you're sending it. 130 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:48,020 Off he went. 131 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,640 Come and see here, Adolf, said his comrades. 132 00:09:50,940 --> 00:09:53,600 And I'm glad I didn't kill him, because it wouldn't have made any difference to 133 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:54,600 the war, would it? 134 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,880 Thank you very, very much. Well, eat well. 135 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,860 Whether my next guest will ever... 136 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,000 Thank you. 137 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:11,140 Whether my next guest will ever get into the Guinness Book of Records is a 138 00:10:11,140 --> 00:10:17,200 matter of conjecture. For Mrs Smiley claims to have watched every ITV 139 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,380 since its inception in 1955. 140 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:23,420 I mean, I've enjoyed every minute of it. It's been wonderful, wonderful. 141 00:10:25,580 --> 00:10:29,280 Now, what is your current favourite show, Mrs Smiley? 142 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:34,560 Comedians? 143 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,820 Do you watch the comedians? 144 00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:45,260 That is the show where all these men tell these far -fetched stories. 145 00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:47,880 And the viewers laugh at them. 146 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,500 Is that party political broadcast? 147 00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:51,780 No. 148 00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:55,120 I'm going to have to see a programme over and over again before it sinks in. 149 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,120 not very bright, you see. 150 00:10:56,300 --> 00:11:01,040 Over and over a lot. Do you think the ITV present a well -balanced schedule? I 151 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,500 think I'm marvellous, I do. I mean, honestly, sometimes you get drama and 152 00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:08,880 romance right at the same time you do. What about an example? 153 00:11:09,140 --> 00:11:13,780 Well, what about that boy, the risks that boy takes to get that box of 154 00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:14,780 chocolates for that girl? 155 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:20,040 Oh, I tell you, when he goes over that bridge of that car at night... 156 00:11:22,350 --> 00:11:25,910 that one, and when he gets there, what does he do? He puts the chocolates by 157 00:11:25,910 --> 00:11:28,010 bedside and walks away. 158 00:11:28,870 --> 00:11:31,070 A lot of men would have woke her up and give her one. 159 00:11:36,710 --> 00:11:38,570 My husband would, I tell you. 160 00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:41,870 But I mean, like, this boy, if he puts them there because he knows, right, he 161 00:11:41,870 --> 00:11:43,930 can perhaps come back tomorrow and give her two or three. 162 00:11:45,710 --> 00:11:48,690 Oh, I think it's wonderful. And the medical scientific ones they get on are 163 00:11:48,690 --> 00:11:50,050 marvellous. I like those. 164 00:11:50,350 --> 00:11:53,270 Oh, I do. They show you how to mend a split hair. 165 00:11:53,730 --> 00:11:55,970 How about that, eh? Haven't we progressed? 166 00:11:56,690 --> 00:12:00,770 I mean, it's only not long ago they invented the steam engine and now they 167 00:12:00,770 --> 00:12:01,990 mend a split hair. 168 00:12:03,030 --> 00:12:04,030 Marvellous, isn't it? 169 00:12:04,950 --> 00:12:09,250 And they tell you how to kill 99 % of all household germs. 170 00:12:09,630 --> 00:12:10,630 Dead! 171 00:12:11,970 --> 00:12:14,550 I don't suppose you could kill them any other way, would you? 172 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:21,760 And they tell you how to get rid of... That means body odor, do you know that? 173 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,640 Yes, I did know that. I only just found out, because I always thought it meant 174 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:25,640 body didn't. 175 00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:31,560 And then there's all the deodorants, aren't they marvellous? The deodorants, 176 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:34,740 well, they've got specialised ones now, you know, for all different parts. 177 00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:42,560 I mean, you can squirt them under the arms, under the feet, and under the 178 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:43,560 circumstances. 179 00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:48,660 That's all I do, really. 180 00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:52,520 Lovely. You mentioned a little while ago, you mentioned your husband. What 181 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:56,140 of shows does your husband watch? Well, I'll tell you one he likes best, and 182 00:12:56,140 --> 00:13:00,220 that is the one where that nice lady is sort of in the wood near a castle and 183 00:13:00,220 --> 00:13:02,260 she's eating a bar of chocolate flake. 184 00:13:02,660 --> 00:13:03,720 He likes that one. 185 00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,580 He says it makes him feel all romantic. 186 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,000 I don't think why. 187 00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:16,140 And he likes those other ones where those girls roll about in the water, 188 00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:19,300 they? Sometimes like in the jungle when they, you know, they roll in the water. 189 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,120 And by the seashore, a girl rolls about and she always leaves a cigar lying 190 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,120 nearby. 191 00:13:26,820 --> 00:13:28,960 But she, like, don't want to get it wet, you see. 192 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,440 It's not nice when it's all wet. 193 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:38,020 Oh, he likes that other one where all the girls follow that man because he's 194 00:13:38,020 --> 00:13:39,080 this pipe, you see. 195 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,080 And then he's got a friend, doesn't he, with a bald head. 196 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,300 And he likes those like that. And his friend gives him one, doesn't he? 197 00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:49,140 Well, then he thinks he might take up the pipe again. 198 00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:52,300 And he don't want to go up in them parachutes, you see. 199 00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:59,580 Do you think perhaps there's too much sex on television? 200 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,500 Well, yeah, they get a bit saucy sometimes, don't they? 201 00:14:02,860 --> 00:14:06,560 Well, yeah, what about that bank manager in the wardrobe? 202 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:14,000 I mean, you know, he ain't come to inquire about her overdraft, has he? 203 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,720 And how about that little milkman? 204 00:14:47,050 --> 00:14:48,050 Sandra's father. 205 00:14:49,670 --> 00:14:53,770 Oh, I said, wash your mouth out with nice castle and water, I said. 206 00:14:54,190 --> 00:14:58,170 I said a thing like that. Is there anything that you don't like on 207 00:14:58,170 --> 00:15:01,970 Well, I think some of these occult things, you know, the supernatural, it 208 00:15:01,970 --> 00:15:03,610 frightens me, you know. Does it? Yes. 209 00:15:04,350 --> 00:15:07,850 I mean, you know the one I mean, don't you? I mean, that one about extra 210 00:15:07,850 --> 00:15:08,850 perceptions. 211 00:15:09,850 --> 00:15:11,390 Extra -sensory perceptions. 212 00:15:11,590 --> 00:15:12,590 As well, yes. 213 00:15:13,490 --> 00:15:15,010 I have trouble with it at all. 214 00:15:16,829 --> 00:15:19,970 I mean, those two men, you know the two I mean, don't you? 215 00:15:20,190 --> 00:15:26,870 I mean, they manifest themselves sometimes as prisoners and 216 00:15:26,870 --> 00:15:29,330 sometimes as policemen. 217 00:15:30,510 --> 00:15:33,310 But they know without making any... 218 00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:48,580 Delving into other people's minds like that. 219 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:49,840 Mrs. 220 00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:55,080 Smiley, do you watch any other programmes on the other side? I mean, do 221 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,540 watch anything like Panorama? 222 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:58,320 Panorama? 223 00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:03,140 Is that like the bar with the nuts on the outside? No, no, no. Because I never 224 00:16:03,140 --> 00:16:04,340 watch commercials, you see. 225 00:16:04,940 --> 00:16:08,620 Only once a... When the commercials come on, I go straight out the back. Well, 226 00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:11,180 thank you. Always do. Thank you very much indeed, Mrs. 227 00:16:11,460 --> 00:16:12,760 Smiley. Have you got a lather yet? 228 00:16:14,350 --> 00:16:20,390 Star of such films as Man of Steel, Boss Man and Ramrod. Yes, you guessed it. It 229 00:16:20,390 --> 00:16:24,250 could only be Hollywood's latest superstar, Butch Cafferty. 230 00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,110 I thought that music was my favorite song. You know why? 231 00:16:46,510 --> 00:16:48,150 Because it paid my bills. 232 00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:51,270 Hey, remember Tequila Trail? 233 00:16:52,570 --> 00:16:54,130 Remember Tequila Trail? 234 00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,370 A wonderful picture, that. 235 00:16:57,590 --> 00:17:01,090 It's not tequila, by the way. That's just plain ordinary water. 236 00:17:02,350 --> 00:17:03,350 Butch. 237 00:17:06,230 --> 00:17:12,329 This is your first trip to London. This is my first trip. And I'll forget about 238 00:17:12,329 --> 00:17:13,309 it. Forget about it. 239 00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:14,310 That's a nice material. 240 00:17:15,390 --> 00:17:18,589 This is my first trip to London. I want you to know that as far as I'm 241 00:17:18,589 --> 00:17:23,030 concerned, London is the most exciting, the most interesting city in the whole 242 00:17:23,030 --> 00:17:24,030 of England. 243 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:29,190 I mean, that's a wonderful place. But your language. Oh, my God, your 244 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,810 Well, I tell you, I was at London Airport. 245 00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:36,820 This character stood there, and I said, would you help me with my bag? He said, 246 00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:38,920 sir, I can't help you with your bag. 247 00:17:39,260 --> 00:17:42,600 Your bag, sir? He said, because I'm a clerk. 248 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,160 I said, Gary, why? He said, I'm a clerk. 249 00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:48,340 I said, okay, sir, you're a clerk. He go, tick -tock, tick -tock. 250 00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:52,080 I said, there's no course for alarm. 251 00:17:54,420 --> 00:17:55,420 God, he laughed. 252 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,680 He had to out of something to the end. 253 00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:02,220 Butch, now, you've just returned from Italy where you've been making one of 254 00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:06,320 these Italian westerns. Oh, wait, what's up? Food in Italy. Oh, my God. I'm in a 255 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,460 restaurant there one night with this boy. 256 00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:12,320 Oh, man, you know, fellow actor, very virile sort of man. 257 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:18,380 I was telling him, and I said, I said, wow, I said, if I have any more 258 00:18:18,380 --> 00:18:20,260 and I burp, I'm going to lasso a waiter. 259 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,220 I don't know where that was. 260 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:24,480 Oh, the dialogue. 261 00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:29,300 in those spaghetti western films. I tell you, the dialogue, it's the romantic in 262 00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:30,179 quotes. You know what I mean? 263 00:18:30,180 --> 00:18:32,500 Romantic in quotes. See it with someone you love. 264 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:33,800 Go by yourself. 265 00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:37,720 What do you always say? Who cares? 266 00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:39,020 Anyway. 267 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:44,440 There's this girl in this picture. Oh, my God, is she a hard -faced bitch. Oh, 268 00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:48,120 my. Is it all right to say bitch on this program? Well, I think so. Is it okay? 269 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,600 Well, anyway, I don't know what you said. Anyway, she says to me, she has to 270 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,800 say, you're not in love with me, you're in love with your six -shooter. 271 00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:58,440 In love with my six -shooter. 272 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,040 Fond of it. 273 00:19:02,190 --> 00:19:06,550 Oh, wait till I tell you, there is this boy in this film, this full -blooded 274 00:19:06,550 --> 00:19:08,930 Indian boy, you know, he's so gorgeous. 275 00:19:09,630 --> 00:19:15,910 And this boy, in a virile sort of way, and this boy in this picture, you know, 276 00:19:15,930 --> 00:19:19,530 he says, white men speak with forked tongue. I said, well, my God, none of us 277 00:19:19,530 --> 00:19:20,529 are perfect. 278 00:19:20,530 --> 00:19:22,350 He laughed. 279 00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:29,470 Anyway, well, I tell you, I have gotten me a Savile Row suit. Now, how about a 280 00:19:29,470 --> 00:19:32,290 Savile Row suit? Oh, quite the English gentleman. 281 00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:34,170 In tweed, yes, tweed. 282 00:19:35,110 --> 00:19:41,910 And I tell you what, I'm walking across Hyde Park there, and I'm wearing the 283 00:19:41,910 --> 00:19:43,770 tweed suit. You know, I got down in the silver shoes. 284 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,140 with the little gold furs, you know. They're functional, you know. Well, you 285 00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:52,040 know, I'm a lemon sock, and I got the green shirt, you know, with the red tie. 286 00:19:52,540 --> 00:19:55,380 And my statement was, this is my trademark, would you think. 287 00:19:55,980 --> 00:20:00,000 And I was walking along, and there was this workman by the side of the road. 288 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:04,160 God, he was gorgeous. He had muscles all over his face. And he looked at me in a 289 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:08,820 very sort of way. And he looked at me, and he said, hey, you, he said, where's 290 00:20:08,820 --> 00:20:09,820 your earrings? 291 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,120 I nearly died. 292 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,220 Earrings with tweeds. 293 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:21,620 You know yourself that earrings, you know, and... You know you have very nice 294 00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:25,740 eyes? No, I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding. He's got very nice... I mean 295 00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:27,980 really mean that. You have very nice eyes. Are they blue? 296 00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:30,640 It's hard to tell under these lights, you know. 297 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:37,680 In what way do you think the English and British... What way do you think the 298 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,220 British differ from the Americans? 299 00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,120 I would say they're more sincere. 300 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:43,900 They're much more sincere. 301 00:20:45,470 --> 00:20:47,230 And as I always say, be sincere. 302 00:20:48,150 --> 00:20:49,570 Even if you don't mean it. 303 00:20:50,770 --> 00:20:51,669 Be sincere. 304 00:20:51,670 --> 00:20:54,990 I tell you, in Hollywood, everybody has an image. Everybody over there is 305 00:20:54,990 --> 00:20:56,130 putting up a front. They've all got fronts. 306 00:20:56,610 --> 00:20:57,910 Nobody's got any behinds anymore. 307 00:20:58,970 --> 00:21:03,330 And I'm over here with this gorgeous boy. God, he's gorgeous. Kid, I'm 308 00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:04,550 dressing room with an English actor. 309 00:21:04,750 --> 00:21:07,010 God, he's... Honestly, I don't usually share because I'm a star. 310 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:12,740 But he's showing us this young actor, and he's gorgeous, and he's so sincere, 311 00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:16,600 you know, because a lot of young, good -looking men are conceited. I try not to 312 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:21,280 be. I like it because he's the same way, because, folks, honestly, this is not 313 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,280 the real me. 314 00:21:22,460 --> 00:21:25,680 Honestly, you meet me in the street, you wouldn't recognize me. I wear furs, 315 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,800 nylons, fenders, long black gloves. 316 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,820 I'm kidding, of course. They know I'm kidding. What a... 317 00:21:34,170 --> 00:21:35,190 Of course, I'm kidding. 318 00:21:35,390 --> 00:21:36,309 Why isn't he kidding? 319 00:21:36,310 --> 00:21:39,470 Butch, there must be very many pressures on you. 320 00:21:39,670 --> 00:21:40,609 Hmm? 321 00:21:40,610 --> 00:21:41,610 Pressures on you. 322 00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:43,030 Oh, pressures. I thought you said pressures. 323 00:21:43,630 --> 00:21:45,230 I thought I was getting through to you. 324 00:21:47,450 --> 00:21:48,450 Wow! 325 00:21:48,790 --> 00:21:51,210 But anyway, you know, I'm a sinister father. 326 00:21:51,470 --> 00:21:55,850 But the thing is, now let me just tell you this. I was saying to my eldest son 327 00:21:55,850 --> 00:22:00,850 this morning, I said, Karen, I said... I was speaking, I said, I'm worried. Are 328 00:22:00,850 --> 00:22:01,649 you a married man? 329 00:22:01,650 --> 00:22:02,970 No, no, no. Don't do it. 330 00:22:03,470 --> 00:22:05,370 Not as good as the real thing, I promise you. 331 00:22:05,710 --> 00:22:09,950 But my wife, oh, my wife, she gets on to me early morning till late at night. 332 00:22:09,970 --> 00:22:13,850 She's on to me all the time. I hate her. I really do, because she says I'm a 333 00:22:13,850 --> 00:22:16,910 feminist. I said, well, compared to you, everybody's a feminist. 334 00:22:17,830 --> 00:22:21,610 What chance have you got of me? My father was the female impersonator. My 335 00:22:21,610 --> 00:22:22,650 was the principal boy. 336 00:22:23,290 --> 00:22:24,290 Well, 337 00:22:26,250 --> 00:22:29,190 now, Butch, let's change the subject. I understand that you're writing... 338 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,660 Writing your first book. Is it in any way autobiographical? 339 00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:36,840 Butch. 340 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:39,120 Butch. 341 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,500 Well, Butch, we could go on talking like this for hours. 342 00:22:48,260 --> 00:22:52,500 Unfortunately, that old clock on the wall tells me that we have only 43 and a 343 00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:53,399 half minutes to go. 344 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:57,540 With that, it's goodbye this week. Look in next week when we shall have the more 345 00:22:57,540 --> 00:22:58,760 interesting people for you. 346 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:00,760 Much more interesting. 347 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,460 A small, strong ale, please. 348 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:10,800 Certainly, sir. 349 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:21,540 There's a street near Plymouth, though, where sailors like to go. 350 00:23:21,860 --> 00:23:24,320 There's a name there called the Fawlty Pussy Cat. 351 00:23:25,340 --> 00:23:28,620 It's a broken -hearted gal with the name of Fat -Eyed... 352 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,740 On her feet beside the bar you'll find her fat. 353 00:23:32,340 --> 00:23:37,000 She'll whisper sweet nothings in your ear, sip your wine and swig your beer, 354 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,340 sing a simple song though slightly flat. 355 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:45,560 She used to juggle with a carrot, or banana than a parrot, but things got 356 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:46,980 and she had to eat the axe. 357 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:53,200 Oh, said a tear, said a tear, that I fell, that I fell, all her hopes and 358 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:57,520 will fade and fall apart, fall apart, and be thin -feared, be thin -feared, 359 00:24:00,170 --> 00:24:02,730 in your hand you hold your love of heart. 360 00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:06,770 To the seamen she was deprived. 361 00:24:07,390 --> 00:24:09,110 A real fight for four eyes. 362 00:24:09,410 --> 00:24:11,870 And the officer, they smiled on her as well. 363 00:24:12,610 --> 00:24:17,650 And Captain Fidney Smart took one look, then lofty fart, though he brought his 364 00:24:17,650 --> 00:24:19,190 married lady through the smell. 365 00:24:19,930 --> 00:24:22,090 One night he felt her fockley five. 366 00:24:22,430 --> 00:24:26,930 Felt that I love you till I die. Let me feel it. Let me feel it with a kiss. 367 00:24:28,070 --> 00:24:34,350 Bound of anger filled the air. He held a knife and smiled, so it had come to 368 00:24:34,350 --> 00:24:40,450 this. The knife was aimed at Salford's boobum. He parried with a cupon. It was 369 00:24:40,450 --> 00:24:42,810 spinning, bubble, vaulting through the air. 370 00:24:43,550 --> 00:24:49,150 He aimed it up in Sydney, just below his kidney. Food and screaming went before 371 00:24:49,150 --> 00:24:50,170 him lying there. 372 00:24:50,670 --> 00:24:52,050 But fed a tear. 373 00:24:52,290 --> 00:24:54,110 Fed a tear. And I fell. 374 00:24:54,390 --> 00:24:57,850 And I fell. All her hope and dreams were faded and fall apart. 375 00:24:58,150 --> 00:24:59,069 Fall apart. 376 00:24:59,070 --> 00:25:01,790 To your own gal. 377 00:25:02,370 --> 00:25:05,430 Remember in your hand you hold a young girl. 378 00:25:06,750 --> 00:25:10,470 So rough to fit me fried. 379 00:25:10,690 --> 00:25:12,250 Oh, speak to me, she cried. 380 00:25:12,510 --> 00:25:15,330 She forked some whiskey down him from a nearby glass. 381 00:25:16,130 --> 00:25:21,390 And she nursed him night and day and discreetly turned away when she gave him 382 00:25:21,390 --> 00:25:23,250 his injection in his car. 383 00:25:24,010 --> 00:25:26,090 On his cheek there came a fluff. 384 00:25:26,290 --> 00:25:28,030 He tipped her hand that made her bluff. 385 00:25:28,410 --> 00:25:31,110 Fief marred happily to see him looking so well. 386 00:25:31,510 --> 00:25:36,110 Soon he could stand on his own feet and walk unaided down the street. For we 387 00:25:36,110 --> 00:25:38,590 went off and married Lady Foof and Snell. 388 00:25:38,890 --> 00:25:42,450 And we fed a tear. Fed a tear. On that I bow. 389 00:25:42,830 --> 00:25:46,350 On that I bow. All her hopes and dreams will fade and fall apart. 390 00:25:46,590 --> 00:25:47,349 Fall apart. 391 00:25:47,350 --> 00:25:48,350 And Fief in fear. 392 00:25:48,610 --> 00:25:50,290 Fief in fear. To your own gown. 393 00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:54,610 To your own gown. Remember in your hand you hold another heart. 394 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:01,860 Whatever plimmers way and down that street you chow to stray, and you feel 395 00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:08,400 foolhardy and adventurous, think carefully before you venture through the 396 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,460 beneath the fwinging fine of that fly old poof. 397 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:17,720 Go and drink with filthy Farrah, or cattle market Clara, or knickers Nell, 398 00:26:17,740 --> 00:26:18,960 they're all sweet and refined. 399 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:25,230 But if your heart is filled with lust, and drink with value not, Remember, see 400 00:26:25,230 --> 00:26:26,930 how buffered, so be kind. 401 00:26:28,270 --> 00:26:34,630 And if, when we've had a few, hold her close to you, and you think you're in a 402 00:26:34,630 --> 00:26:40,870 dream, though you're awake, don't be taken by for pride, if when we've closed 403 00:26:40,870 --> 00:26:45,910 her eyes, we've called you Darling Sidney by mistake. 404 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:48,480 fed a tear. 405 00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,860 For that I fell. 406 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,760 All her hope and dreams will fade and fall apart. 407 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:59,040 And be sincere to your own girl. 408 00:26:59,620 --> 00:27:04,260 Remember in your hand you hold your love of heart. 409 00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:43,370 And they tried to put us down. They said there's always trouble whenever we're 410 00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:44,970 around. But we made it. 411 00:27:45,730 --> 00:27:47,510 The love and dance and sing. 412 00:27:47,750 --> 00:27:49,330 In peace with one another. 413 00:27:49,610 --> 00:27:52,410 It was there we did our thing. We came to Woodstick. 414 00:27:53,710 --> 00:27:54,710 Woodstick. 415 00:36:05,670 --> 00:36:06,670 thick to be milk. 416 00:36:07,570 --> 00:36:09,490 Strawberries. Definitely strawberries. 417 00:36:11,570 --> 00:36:12,590 It's tangy. 418 00:36:13,770 --> 00:36:15,870 I don't know what it is. 419 00:36:21,050 --> 00:36:24,050 Here. I've been looking for that paint. 420 00:36:24,390 --> 00:36:28,690 Touch up your balustrade. Touch up your balustrade in a minute for God's sake. 421 00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,460 And now for our autumn fashion parade. 422 00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:47,740 Here is Trudy wearing a lovely skirt and bolero in brown suede with a cinnamon 423 00:36:47,740 --> 00:36:48,740 motif. 424 00:36:51,140 --> 00:36:55,520 The ensemble can be worn with a belt or equally attractively without a belt. 425 00:36:58,160 --> 00:36:59,560 And now for the gentlemen. 426 00:36:59,860 --> 00:37:04,680 Here is Jeremy and his new letter kit, all set for an evening out among the jet 427 00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:05,680 set. 428 00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:23,800 the non -smoker. 429 00:37:24,780 --> 00:37:28,940 And when the evening feels a little warm, he can remove the jacket to reveal 430 00:37:28,940 --> 00:37:30,800 novel touch, the backless shirt. 431 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:37,360 His ensemble can be worn with the belt or, equally attractively, without the 432 00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:38,360 belt. 433 00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:56,620 I didn't use my deodorant today. 434 00:37:57,340 --> 00:37:59,280 I didn't use my deodorant yesterday. 435 00:37:59,860 --> 00:38:02,020 I might not use my deodorant tomorrow. 436 00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:04,840 Oh, please, please use it tomorrow. 437 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:10,520 Hi 438 00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:17,420 there. 439 00:38:17,620 --> 00:38:18,620 I'm Cheryl. 440 00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:21,280 I've got 747s going to Miami. 441 00:38:21,580 --> 00:38:22,580 Fly me. 442 00:38:27,180 --> 00:38:28,180 And candy. 443 00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:30,740 I've got two thirty -eight. Go. 444 00:38:36,260 --> 00:38:38,100 I'm sorry, can I go? I'm sorry. 445 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:40,860 Tim's TV Panto, take one. 446 00:38:41,260 --> 00:38:43,060 So this is Turnham Green. 447 00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:45,540 My, you're a pretty one and no mistake. 448 00:38:45,900 --> 00:38:47,220 What say you, Dobbins? 449 00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:23,238 And candy. 450 00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:25,060 I've got jumbos. Go... 451 00:39:25,060 --> 00:39:32,480 And 452 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:33,480 now, beachwear. 453 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:40,080 Here's Gypsy, all ready for her summer holidays in a blouse jacket in fabulous 454 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,040 brown and gold chiffon. 455 00:39:46,410 --> 00:39:50,690 And when the sun comes out, she removes her jacket to reveal a daring swimsuit 456 00:39:50,690 --> 00:39:52,610 in eye -catching canary yellow. 457 00:39:54,190 --> 00:39:57,810 So it's on with the sunglasses and down to the beach. 458 00:39:59,370 --> 00:40:00,950 And here's Jeremy. 459 00:40:04,610 --> 00:40:05,250 And 460 00:40:05,250 --> 00:40:13,370 here's 461 00:40:13,370 --> 00:40:14,370 Jeremy again. 462 00:40:21,420 --> 00:40:23,700 on what is in red and black carefree cotton. 463 00:40:24,500 --> 00:40:30,060 And when the sun comes out, he slips off his jacket to show his gay matching 464 00:40:30,060 --> 00:40:31,320 crease shedding pattern. 465 00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:39,460 So it's on with his trendiest sunglasses and down to the beach. 466 00:40:53,580 --> 00:40:58,800 Hi there. I'm Candy. I've got 747s going to my mammy. 467 00:41:00,980 --> 00:41:01,980 Miami. 468 00:41:02,780 --> 00:41:04,520 Oh, fly me? 469 00:41:05,580 --> 00:41:07,000 Oh, fly me. 470 00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:23,960 Good noon, men. 471 00:41:24,180 --> 00:41:24,700 Good 472 00:41:24,700 --> 00:41:36,400 noon, 473 00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:38,100 men, after ladies, gentle buddies. 474 00:41:41,820 --> 00:41:45,620 And a spaceship welcome to all the little poisoned girls. 475 00:41:46,900 --> 00:41:50,900 And when I say poisoned girls, I don't mean little girls who have taken poison 476 00:41:50,900 --> 00:41:52,080 and become poisoned girls. 477 00:41:53,210 --> 00:41:55,990 I mean, of course, all the little chilblains. 478 00:41:56,870 --> 00:41:59,090 So much for German satire. 479 00:42:21,930 --> 00:42:23,470 Die Glock streicht ein. 480 00:42:24,070 --> 00:42:25,990 Die Glock streicht ein. 481 00:42:26,550 --> 00:42:33,250 Die Glock... Nein, hier 482 00:42:33,250 --> 00:42:36,330 in der Hand. In der Hand. 483 00:42:37,190 --> 00:42:39,710 In der Hand. In der Hand. 484 00:42:40,050 --> 00:42:41,130 In der Hand. 485 00:42:41,390 --> 00:42:47,510 In der Hand. In der Hand. 486 00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:54,840 That's Tim's television. 487 00:42:58,020 --> 00:43:02,660 And now we have a solo by our solo singer, who is called Siegfried. 488 00:43:02,980 --> 00:43:09,820 This young man. This young man... You are Siegfried? Yes. 489 00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:11,320 A young man? 490 00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:14,580 You have a good pair of lungs for a young man. 491 00:43:15,740 --> 00:43:17,560 You have a good pair for a woman. 492 00:43:19,290 --> 00:43:20,810 Mein ganzer schöner Tokus. Ja. 493 00:43:21,210 --> 00:43:23,690 Und so sieht Jungmann gesingen eine. 494 00:43:23,930 --> 00:43:25,090 So lohnt es sich ein. 495 00:43:26,910 --> 00:43:32,990 Kleines Wuppi hat verloren, Herr Schief. Und weiß nicht, wo sie forschen. 496 00:43:33,270 --> 00:43:36,890 Lebt sie allein und die will kommen heim. Ja. 497 00:43:37,170 --> 00:43:39,210 Mit der dingle, dongle, dingle, dingle. 498 00:43:48,650 --> 00:43:51,250 Du will eine bunche Fumpf auf der Hute gehabt. 499 00:43:52,850 --> 00:43:54,650 Go und geht Stufen. 500 00:43:56,910 --> 00:43:58,190 Du gehört das. 501 00:43:58,610 --> 00:44:00,230 Nicht an deine Nelly. 502 00:44:02,270 --> 00:44:03,950 Das war sehr schön. 503 00:44:04,470 --> 00:44:05,470 Sehr gut. 504 00:44:06,290 --> 00:44:08,530 Nein, sehr, sehr, sehr gut. 505 00:44:09,050 --> 00:44:10,870 Sieh mich später in the dressing room, ja? 506 00:44:11,630 --> 00:44:16,250 So, jetzt, meine Damen und Herren, eine Kinderpoem für das erste Mal in English 507 00:44:16,250 --> 00:44:17,250 mit Helmut. 508 00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:20,220 Lisa is the best of people in all the class. 509 00:44:20,740 --> 00:44:22,800 And they're singing in English. 510 00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:29,180 And little Jack. 511 00:44:30,220 --> 00:44:31,680 Little Jack corner. 512 00:44:32,340 --> 00:44:34,240 Corner. Yeah, good. 513 00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:38,660 Corner. That and I'm a stool. 514 00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:42,280 That and I'm a corner. 515 00:44:42,760 --> 00:44:43,760 Oh, yeah. 516 00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:45,880 Corner. 517 00:45:15,330 --> 00:45:18,130 Yes. Yes. 518 00:45:20,070 --> 00:45:21,070 Yes. 519 00:45:25,550 --> 00:45:30,910 He put in his... What happened he could put in? 520 00:45:31,450 --> 00:45:33,670 What happened he could put in? It 521 00:45:33,670 --> 00:45:40,210 is too 522 00:45:40,210 --> 00:45:41,210 warm. 523 00:45:42,510 --> 00:45:44,530 Will eine Blister gegetten. 524 00:45:47,390 --> 00:45:53,970 He... He put in his... He put in his thumb. 525 00:45:56,990 --> 00:45:59,410 And pulled out. 526 00:46:02,430 --> 00:46:06,090 What? Pulled the man out? 527 00:46:06,550 --> 00:46:12,910 Come on, what happened here? Pulled out. 528 00:46:13,910 --> 00:46:14,910 Well? 529 00:46:36,170 --> 00:46:39,330 sticking in, yeah? Yeah. So it must be the time what they're taking out. 530 00:46:42,590 --> 00:46:43,810 That figures, yeah. 531 00:46:45,630 --> 00:46:46,630 Nein. 532 00:46:47,010 --> 00:46:51,650 He pulled... He pulled out a plum. 533 00:46:54,970 --> 00:46:59,250 Helmut, am I getting through to you? He pulled out a plum. 534 00:47:44,350 --> 00:47:47,770 So we have a piece of classical music. 535 00:47:48,110 --> 00:47:49,750 Mozart and Liszt. 536 00:47:50,030 --> 00:47:56,830 And that one is... We have Erste von Mozart. 537 00:47:57,870 --> 00:47:59,690 We have in the Rondo... 538 00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:24,680 Yes, I do! 539 00:49:22,870 --> 00:49:29,610 Thank you very much 540 00:49:29,610 --> 00:49:32,210 until we meet again on behalf of 541 00:50:30,320 --> 00:50:31,320 Thank you. 45360

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