All language subtitles for benny_hill_s01e03_1970

Blackmoor. This vast wasteland of bogs
and marshes has, over the last 17 years,

claimed no fewer than...

Good

evening,

ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the
Benny Hill Show.

And here he is, Benny Hill.

Now, Doc sat in the emergency ward as
nervous as could be.

Nurse Colleen said, what's that there
just above your knee?

He said, oh, that's me scorn, ma 'am.
She said, no, there's a scream.

For ten whole minutes, I've been trying
to give it a saucer of cream.

Colleen, Colleen, I'll make it for you.

Colleen, Colleen, my heart...

She rubbed me some with liniment and it
turned me some more red. I said, that

lady's smart, so she rubbed some on me
head. And I put in deep teeth with me

knife and fork, she said, now never you
mind. She went and she got a celery

stalk and we rolled them down one at a
time.

Colleen, Colleen, oh, I'm making for
you.

Colleen, Colleen, my heart's breaking.

for you.

Now she's got a touch of the fell pest
and she acts in a very odd way. She

thinks that she's a chicken and she
cackles all the day. Oh, send for the

psychiatrist. Her poor old father begs.
But mom says let the girl alone. You

know we need the eggs.

For you.

For you.

Now we've married and we've settled in
the cottage near about.

The bed, it is all broken and the spring
is sticking out. But when I recall

those nights together, me heart, it
wants to sing.

We kissed all through the winter and
made love right through the spring.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies.

Thank you very much indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know, a lot of
people think that actors are vain and

conceited and self -centered, and they
are.

But if you saw one of them going for a
job, you wouldn't believe it.

Would you mind waiting outside, please,
at the hall?

Thank you.

Hi, Harry.

Yeah. Yeah, a guy's just been for the
part.

Yeah. Oh, about 26, 27.

Dynamic.

Strong white teeth.

Slim hips.

Yeah, that's the part. The guy they sent
is 45 and fat.

Oh, I don't know, Harry. You look the
kind of seedy, sort of sloppy, you know?

He's going to look a mess when he gets
his clothes off.

Oh, yeah. He has to appear in the nude.

Harry, the whole second half of the
picture takes place in his bedroom.

And he's naked.

I tell you, he is completely naked.

So is the girl.

Yeah. Yeah, she's here now.

Oh, she's done this kind of thing
before.

I got a whole pile of photos of her in
the nude outside.

But Harry, it's that kind of a picture.
We do and show everything.

There's this guy, see? He's a bit
backward and he's, you know, sitting in

room. Now that very day, this girl,
who's a lymphomaniac,

gets out of prison.

Having done five years.

She goes into a chemist to get something
for a headache, and by mistake, drinks

a whole bottle of aphrodisiac.

Well, she passes this guy's room, and
through the open door, sees him getting

ready for bed.

Will you get a picture?

Oh, boy, what goes on in that room?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got his agent on the other eye.

Yeah. Richard?

Okay.

I'll do it for 40.

We can afford 30. 25.

We can afford 25 a week. 15 pounds.

Hello,

dear. Sorry I'm late.

Has he seen you yet?

No, not yet, but I think it'll be all
right. Oh, good.

That's my girl.

I, uh, I got the job. How much?

10 pounds a week.

That's not much. That's all I could
afford to pay.

Well, this is the guy your lovely
actress will be working with. What do

think?

He'll do.

Oh, I think he's smashing.

Well, let's settle the details, shall
we?

Fine.

She's the best agent I've ever had.

Oh, boy!

Am I going to enjoy working with you?
Come on, let's start here.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure
to introduce Louise...

Alberto del Paraná and Los Paraguayos.

. .

The chef's special is very nice.

Wonderful.

What do you want to have?

I don't know.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I don't know, but I think... Oh, my God!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

In five minutes, we begin our whole
little tour of Paris.

We'll see all the statues and all the
monuments.

And maybe the whole beautiful woman in
the cabaret.

With the little girls in the big world.

Yes, with a whole little piece of
striptease.

The bus stop.

Oh, that is there. Good.

Hello, everyone.

If you miss, we're going to do a little
tour of Paris and see all the sights.

I'm receiving great pleasure that you
have come to see us, you know, to go

around Paris.

And evidentially, you're going to see
all the monuments. And maybe we finish

in the Big Hall and we see the cabarets
with the beautiful knackered women.

It's very good. And if you have any
questions to ask me, don't be afraid to

because as you can see, I speak very
well all the languages.

And now,

ladies and gentlemen, the first
television presentation in this country

Getafe Ballet Company.

What is he supposed to be doing?

He's been locked up.

I'm not surprised.

Dressed like that.

Great Nancy.

I think he looks quite manly.

It was a costume.

They're all the same, them ballet
dancers.

I mean, they're all like that.

Heltman goes to ballet classes and he's
quite normal.

What, Cyril?

Normal? I tell you, he ain't.

Well, I know he is.

What did you say?

I'm watching.

Well, look, if he's normal, why is he
running away from her?

I mean, if she was in my cell, you
wouldn't catch me trying to escape.

I'd take me punishment like a man.

Oh, what's a fortnight?

Don't be vulgar in front of the child.

Well, she's not there. No, it's in his
mind.

He thinks she's there, but she's not.

Well, why do we have to have all this
old load of rubbish? I mean, why can't

have plays about ordinary people? I
mean, ordinary people like us.

Because, you see, we are your typical TV
audience.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, on the Benny
Hill Show, it's a warm welcome for Miss

Ira Heath.

day is here magical time of year

and as the hour draws near dreams lift
my

heart

magical time of year and as the art was
made

Carnival day and day.

Stay here and...

things which you, the viewers, must
wonder about, you know, about

I mean, take, for example, those
commercials where there's a girl taking

or a shower.

I mean, don't you ever wonder how
they're made and who was there and

what they were thinking?

Well, I did a commercial the other day,
and actually, on the set, in the studio

next to us, they were doing one of these
girl in the bath commercials, you know,

so when I'd finished doing what I was
doing, you know, I sort of casually

strolled over there at 65 miles an hour.

And there was a very beautiful bath set,
you see, and there was a very nervous

director pacing up and down, and
suddenly through the door came the most

beautiful blonde -haired girl in a
trouser suit you've ever seen in your

And he went straight up to her and he
said, The Miss Hargreaves?

Oh,

ready when you are.

Oh, we can't start till you're in the
bath, can we?

Yes, it's for the commercial, for soap.

The agency told you soup.

Well, I do assure you it is soap.

Bath soap.

Yes, well, people don't take a bath with
their clothes on, do they?

Yes, I realise it's extra money for
taking your clothes off, but I'm sure

firm would be happy to pay the extra.

And if they won't, I will.

I'll have a whip round amongst the lads
here, you see. Oh, only the essential

technicians will be here, my dear. As
you can see, like the...

Car park attendant.

Canteen manager.

Yes, well, don't worry, dear, because
you will be under the soapy water most

the time, you see. Harry will put his
hand in and froth the water all up, you

see, before you get in, dear, yes.

Well, of course, if it goes flat while
you're in it, we'll just have to rely on

Harry's self -restraint, won't we?

Yes, he will be holding the handheld
camera on your back most of the time,

see. Only towards the end will he come
round and hold it on your face.

Yes, it will be on your face. It may be
shaking a little, but it will be on your

face, you see. Yes?

Well, if any scenes get in there that
are a little bit too risque, don't

we will cut them out and throw them
away.

You will? Fine. Will you go and change?
Righto, Harry, would you froth up the

water? No, do it now, Harry. That's
lovely.

Right, Miss Hargreaves? Right, you are
in the bath. That's lovely.

Oh, you are a big girl, aren't you?

Just one thing, Miss Hargraves. Would
you mind taking your dressing gown off?

Flop it over the side. That's lovely.

All right, Harry, there's no need to
froth up the water. It's frothy... You

dropped your pen in there. Well, we'll
just have to leave it till later, won't

we? Here we go. Now, take one.

That's lovely. Now, pick up the soap,
dear. Cut!

Cut! There's no need to stand up, Miss
Hargraves.

Well, why did you stand up?

You found Harry's pen.

Well...

You can give it to him afterwards.

Right, oh dear. Here we go now.

Take two.

That's it. Crab round. Pick up the salt.
Hold it up. Hold up the soap. Right,

cut. Oh, splendid. Thank you, Miss
Hargreaves. You can go and change now.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, I see. All right, thank you.

You'll never believe this, Miss
Hargreaves, but it was soup.

Yes, soup.

I've never heard of your soup.

It was market day in the village, and
the crowds round the stalls was quite

dense. But what caught my eye was a
stall -piled eye with a musical

And up the stall come a little old man,
his clothes was all tattered and thin,

but his face come alight as his eyeballs
caught sight of a beautiful old violin.

He yelled it up to the dealer, saying,
how much is this one then? He replied,

that's a Stradivarius, my man, that'll
cost you four pound ten.

I can't afford that, said the little old
man, and a lump come into my throat.

I was feeling quite chuffed, and so I
stuffed in his hand a ten -shilling

A crowd had gathered behind us, and I
quickly went round with his act. When I

finished, I'd found I'd collected five
pounds, so I took my ten -shilling back.

Well, we gave the dealer the money, and
this old man, so shabbily dressed,

picked up the violin.

stuck it under his chin, and he played
like a man possessed.

He played fugues and cantatas and orito
-toito -toitos too, by

composers like Johann Sebastian Bach, to
mention only a few.

He played waltzes by Strauss and Dee
Floydamore and Tales from the Vienna

Then Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto.

But he didn't play that quite so good.

Well done, cried the crowd when he'd
finished.

And they gently patted his head. But the
excitement was too much for the little

old man who unfortunately dropped down
dead.

Well, we give the feeler his diddle, the
dealer his fiddle.

Took back our money.

and then we picked up the old man and we
laid him to rest in the cemetery down

by the glen but sometimes at night when
the moon do shine bright if i should

happen to stray up over the hill it
seems that still i can hear the whole

play

yes

the words of that popular song ring true
for though the old man is gone yes

though the The song is ended.

The malady lingers on.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. And now, ladies and
gentlemen, for some more of those awful

television moments which, when added
together, make up a director's

I'm warning you, Zacho.

You harm one hair on her body and I'll
break every bone in your head.

Hi, sweetie.

Come down to me.

Cut. Cut. I'm sorry.

Come on. Oh. Prop.

Here we go, then. Action.

Oh,

Barnaby. I'm just the happiest little
ladle in the... Oh, sorry, John.

No, it's okay. Keep running. Right, take
her out of here.

Right, action.

I'm just the... Oh, I'm so sorry, John.

OK.

Now, are you OK? Yes, I'm OK now. Carry
on. It'll be all right.

Not tired?

No.

Oh,

Barnaby!

See you down the pool, eh?

He likes you. He doesn't like me. What
have you got that I haven't?

I'll kill that dude, son. I can't.

Alone, all alone On a night like this

A lot of viewers complain that

in chat shows on television, the same
interviewers are themed for year after

year. And what's more, the same guests
keep cropping up as well. Well, here at

Thames, we do like to give newcomers a
chance.

Here's Tommy Chopper.

All righty.

Hello, everyone.

What is a mugwump?

A mugwump is a bird who sits on a fence
with its mug over one side and its wump

over the other.

There's one.

Did you hear about the actor who was so
conceited that he parked in Lover's Lane

by himself?

There's another one.

Or the actress who was so dumb she
couldn't add up to two without taking

blouse.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's
be serious for a moment because we

could... I'm falling for you tonight.

Well, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen,
we must be serious. This is a serious

matter. If... If you met somebody who
was 107 years old, I'm sure that you

have a lot of questions to ask him. And
I'm no different from anybody else. I

have a lot of questions to ask him. Here
he is, 107 years old today, Eric

Moulton from Kimberley.

If I told you that three goals were
scored today on the Lambton football

I don't suppose it would really surprise
you. But when I tell you that they were

scored by the vicar of Lambton, I'm sure
you will be surprised. He's come along

here tonight direct from the changing
room. He's more than welcome. And here

is, the Reverend Peter Wilby.

Yes,

probably.

Whatever next?

Well... I... I feel

that we in the church should show that
we're just the same as everyone else.

I mean, that we're human.

I see.

Well, we all have our little
differences. I mean, as in industry,

think the important thing is to air
one's differences from time to time.

You know, um... Bring them out into the
open, so to

speak. Yes.

And, uh... As

for playing football... Yes. Football,
well, I often think that... Life.

Life is very much like a football game.
I mean, we're all struggling towards the

same goal. I mean, we all want to show
what we're made of, don't we?

And I've nothing to hide. I like to be
admired like the next man.

Well,

Vicar, you know, this is really moving
your partner undone.

Sorry?

I'm saying, it is most interesting
though your partner undone.

religion and now ladies and gentlemen
i'm delighted that my neck

my next guest my next guest has has come

from the west end of london he is one of
london's biggest western south i know

you're going to make him very welcome
here he is rodney fairchild

It's splendid of you to come along and
be my guest on this show. I really am

absolutely thrilled that you have been
able to find time to come along. You

a reputation of being quite a hell
-raiser. Do you feel this reputation is

justified in any way?

That you have?

This, you know, of being a hell -raiser.
Do you feel in any way justified at

all? This reputation that you have?

No. Well, there you are.

That's my style. It's just sort of
newspaper publicity. They put labels on

people, don't they? They sort of, you
know, they will put labels on, but I

suppose they put a label on you sort of
more. You know, sort of like publicity.

Would you say it was publicity? I
suppose it's publicity.

Well,

yes.

Yes, I'm quite surprised about that.

Tell me, does it worry you on this
reputation? Wrong and false, that may

Does it worry you at all?

The reputation that you've got. Does it
worry you in any way at all?

No.

Well,

there you are. Honestly, I could go on
talking with you all night.

Lovely to have you on the show, but, you
know, we've got to move along. It's

time to meet my last guest this evening.
I know you're going to make her

welcome. Here she is, the very lovely
West End star, Liza Moon.

Liza, lovely to have... Lovely to have
you

on the show.

What have you been doing lately? Are you
still appearing in the West End?

Tell me, have you ever worked together?
Have you worked with

Liza at all?

Any of your shows together?

You've not had the pleasure of working?
Have you ever worked with them?

Rodney at all here.

It's lovely having you all here.

It really is absolutely splendid.

That's what the public wants, new faces.

One in a row.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I could go
on.

I go on talking and having fun here all
night, but unfortunately the old clock

on the wall says there's only 42 minutes
to go.

Anyway, folks, tune in again this time
next week and see Crossroads.

Now it was just 10 years ago when I was
17.

I came to the city, searching for a
dream, while I wandered down into

Soho.

They said it was always done, at three o
'clock in the morning, in search of

innocent fun.

But I'll wait, I'll need it in the
morning, I got from my ma and pa.

They said, son, keep away from the girls
of the Sousa bar.

Now the ladies inside, they play all
kinds of games, said the girl at the

with pride.

I thought she meant games like
tiddlywinks.

So I ventured inside.

She said some of them are naughty girls.

Ooh, that started me thinking.

I might catch one of them having a
tiddle when she ought to be winking.

They said, son, keep away from the girls
of the Suza bar.

Now, Susie, she came and she sat next to
me.

Her complexion was just like a rose, but
I couldn't help noticing a little mark

across the bridge of her nose.

She said, that mark that you're staring
at was caused through glasses, my dear.

I said, why don't you use contact
lenses? She said, they don't hold enough

And they said, son, keep away from the
girls of the Sousa bar.

Susie, she took me upstairs to a room
and she handed me the key.

She said this room is to be let as it
stands with all that you can see.

And are you to be let with the room,
said I in the most ambiguous tone.

She said, I am not to be let with the
room. I'm to be let alone.

But I wish I could hear the warning I
got from my mother -in -law.

They say, son, keep away from the girls
of the Susie bar.

But that was all so many years ago.

Now, Susie, she is my wife.

And I've often said that the day that we
wed was the happiest day of my life.

Why, I gave the preacher a five -pound
note. He looked at me kind of strange.

And then he stole my Susie, and he gave
me four pounds and change.

And I ignored the boy.

I lost my ma and pa.

Cause now I live the life of ease, and I
ride in a big, fast car.

I smoke a big cigar.

I live just like a czar.

On champagne and caviar.

And the beautiful, wonderful girls of
the Tuesday bar.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

Jolly nice being with you again, and we
look forward to seeing you all again

very, very soon. Bye for now.