All language subtitles for Cavendish.S01E04.Carny.Law.1080p.CBC.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-DJSF_track3_[eng]

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

- What you working on?
- I'm taking over

this advice column while
the writer's on vacation.

- Oh, cool!
- Yeah. This...
this reader wants

to know if he should quit
his job to pursue his dream

of stand-up comedy.
- Yeah, that's a no, right?

- Yeah, I wrote, "No."
That's it so far.

That's all I have.
- I think that's all you need.

- I think that's enough. Yeah
- Yeah.

Just push him off that path.
Man, this sounds like a
really good gig for you.

- Thanks. Yeah.
- No, I'm serious.

I mean, you give good advice,
and you're a good writer,

and you're thoughtful and smart.
Plus, also nice and generous.

- OK, what's this about?
- Well...

the carnival is in town,

and I sort of don't have
money at the moment,

and Dad and Ruth are
still in Summerside.

- There it is.
- So I was hoping

that you could
give me some money

to go to that, please.

- No.
- Please, man.

Please! It's so good this year.
They got a freak show tent.

Andy, some of these freaks
are out of this world.

They got the tallest boy
in the Maritimes under 12.

They have the world's oldest
Red Hot Chili Peppers fan.

- I'm not lending you any money.
What happened to all those
gigs that you used to do?

- I don't know,
my sources dried up,

and I blew the last of my
savings on my Rude Guy t-shirts.

Have I shown you those?
- No.

- I'm actually wearing one right
now if you want to have

a gander. There you go.
Haha! There he is.

I'll sell you this one if you
want it. 30 bucks. 40? 50?
- No.

No, you keep going up.
- $60.

- Mark, you need a job.
- Hmm!

- You need to get a real job.
That way, you can use the
money that you make to do

the things you like.
- Andy, I wouldn't know how to
get a job even if I wanted one.

- Now, that is something
I can help you with.

- What the hell is this little
self-satisfied display?
- Trying to help you.

- That's awful. Never do
that face again.

- Well, we are hiring.

Are you both applying
for the job?

- No, I'm just here for support.
It's Mark's first interview,

and I just want to make
sure he doesn't blow it.

- He's not wrong to worry
about that. In many ways,

I do not want this job,
but in other ways,

the money, I do want it.

- Oh, wow, that is
a refreshingly honest answer.

OK, let's look
at this resume.

You've used a very large font.
- Yeah.

- Yes. Yeah, yeah, that's just
to emphasize his strengths.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. And also,

just to be
completely honest,

it is not that much stuff
on there.

The bigger font just kind of
makes it look like more stuff.

- Yeah. Another
very honest answer.

- Thank you so much.
Hey, if you like honesty,

Mayor Breeley, I can honestly...

...just lay it all out
for you right now,

put my cards on the table.
- Oh! OK.

- I'm a lazy guy,
and he gets mad about it,

but not a lot he can do.
- I do. I do.

- I also will show up late.
It's mostly a power move

that I kind of put out there
if I'm ever feeling small,

and I want to assert
my dominance. You know,

see what they do about it.
Fire me if you want, you know.

I don't give a s---!
Pay me first.

- OK...
- Oh, he also has

his CPR certificate.
- Yeah, but that stands

for Cool Prankster Rascal.

- You said that was
for first aid.

- Yeah, 'cause I was pranking
you like a cool rascal.

- I cannot believe
she offered you that job.

- Yeah, well,
I'm a charismatic guy,

Andy. I told you
I win people over.

Anyway, it doesn't matter,
I'm not taking the job.

- What? Why?
- Because I wouldn't get paid

until Friday,
and by that time, the
carnival would already be gone.

- OK, alright. Well,
we'll apply for a job
at a bar, get some tips.

- I'm done playing around, man.
I just wanna go to the carnival.
- Yeah, but if you go

to the carnival,
you won't have any money.
- I will figure it out, Andy.

I always do. I'm a sneaky guy,
I'm resourceful.

A problem solver. Trust me, when
I put my mind to things, I...

Oh, man, I can't get this tie
off. How do I get this tie off?

- Just pull it.
- For real though, I can't.

- Let me try it.
- I'm making it way tighter,
and it hurts me very badly.

It's making me choke,
and I can't breathe.

- It's OK.
- Thank you. Jesus!

Ugh! No, you hold it, I hate it.
See you later.

Do you wanna go faster?

- OK, Mark, show time.

Excuse me, Ma'am,
do you have any tickets

you could spare?
Any tickets at all? Some money?

It's not for me. It's for my kid
who's really sick. He wants

to ride the Himalaya. No?
- Sorry.

- Do you have any tickets
or money you could spare?

- Sorry, man, I only
carry a day pass.

- Right. Got you. Oh, Bryn!
Bryn, Bryn, Bryn, Bryn! Stop!

Can I borrow some money?
- No, I already spent it
all on my pass.

I'm gonna see the furry twins.
- What's the furry twins?

- Two twins completely
covered in fur.

- Right. So like part
of the freak show or something?

- No, Mark, they run
the tilt-awhirl.

They're not freaks, they're
perfect. They're perfect.

- We're almost there.
Just a little calibration and--

- Hey, Dr. Green.
- Oh, hey.

- You don't have a couple bucks
I could borrow, do you?

- I'm sorry, Mark,
I've already spent $200 here.

- $200? Where's all your prizes?
- You know, I didn't win a one,

but I can't seem to stop.

You know, I think I may have
a gambling problem.

I did not know that
about myself.

- Right. Well, are you putting
back spin on your throws?

- Do you want to take a shot?
- Are you serious?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell you what, give
me a cut of your prizes.

- OK.
- For real.

- Yes, that's...
that's fine, yes.

Aaah... alright.

- AAAH! AAAH, look at this guy!

I know him, I know him.
- Told ya.

- Ooh, yeah! Oh,

Dr. Green?
- Ha ha ha ha!

- Alright. Kid, do your thing.

My man.

Come on now.
Papa needs a new...

potato guy.

I peeked a little.
I peeked a little. OK.

There you go, pal.
Why don't you go give that

to a sexual partner of
your preference at school, OK?

No judgement. Under 18.

Hey, man.
- Someone wants a word.

- Yes, alright, cool. Dr. Green,
if I don't come back, call
the police, please.

- Thank you, Jethro.
Please, take a seat.

My name is Marni.
- Hi.

- That's Jethro.
- Hi, Jethro.

- This is Evangeline.
- You're very good at,

how you say...
the ball toss?

You have won
many potato men.

- Well, I mostly gave 'em away.

I just like to play.

- Cut this crap!
Your playing is our profit.

- Easy, Evangeline.
Just put the knife away.

She's really into knives
right now. It's a whole thing.

- Right.
- So...

...how long you been a carny?
- Oh, I'm not a carny.

I'm a... I guess,
a carnival enthusiast.

- Well, that makes things
kind of difficult for us.

We let you run
around here all weekend,
we're not gonna have any prizes

left when we hit the next town.
- Right.

Well, you really don't have
to worry about that.

I don't even have
any money, so...

- Yeah? How would you
like some?

- I would like some very much.
Yes, please.

Any amount.
- Alright.

I'm prepared
to offer you a job.

- Are you serious?
- Hm.

- You want to give me a job?
You don't wanna see my resume

or anything like that?
'Cause it's bad.

- As long as you haven't been
convicted of any major crimes...

- Sweet!
Sorry, um,

how major are we talking about?
- Major.

- Then, I am almost
certainly clean.

- Great. Evangeline will
show you around.

- Thank you so much!
Thought I was gonna

get killed when I came in here;
this is way better.

up!
Step right up!

Five bucks gets you three balls!
Six bucks gets you three balls

plus I get a dollar.
Oh-oh! Good deal for me.

- Hiya, Mark. Great job earlier.

Look, you gotta spot me
a couple of throws.

- Dr. Green, I told you.
There's no freebies, man.

- Mark, it's... it's me.
- We don't have

that close a relationship.
- OK, OK, OK. I mean,

what if I gave you this watch?
- No, I'm not taking your watch.

That's a really nice watch, man.
- Yes, it's a nice watch.

My father was a watchmaker.
It's the first he ever made.

He told me never to pawn it.
I can pawn it.

- Don't pawn it.
Don't...

don't pawn your dad's watch.
- Mark!

Well, uh... Bryn told me
you're working here.

What the hell, man?
- One second, I'll be

right with you.
Peanut, going on break, pal.

Let's go!

Hey, what do you guys think of
my getup? Pretty cool, right?

- Yeah, it's great. Mark,
you know I can get you

a better job, right?
- What?! Are you kidding me?

This place is perfect, Andy.
I get free rides,

free prizes and... more money
than I know what to do with.

Check it out, I got
a potato man phone case!

- Wow, that's awesome!
- Yeah, and it's so heavy.

- Yeah, that's great, Mark. It's
just... Isn't this place, like,

filled with weirdos?
- Andy! No!

That is such
an old misconception.

These people are some of the
greatest folks I've ever met!

Peanut back there has died
five different times.

And he says each time,
he brought something back.

Isn't that wild?
That's Beth over there.

She is the world's oldest
Red Hot Chili Peppers' fan.

Hey, Beth! Beth!

Beth, how old are you?
- 85!

- What are you listening
to right now?

- What do you think?
- Hell yeah, girl!

Hell yeah! Ooh!
And that's Evangeline.

Come on, I want to introduce
you guys. Let's go.

Here we are. Evangeline,

threatened me with a knife
when we first met,

but we are cool now.

- Hello, handsome.
Who are your friends?

- Oh, this is my brother Andy,
and this is Bryn,

the niece of a woman who may
or may not be dating our dad.

- Hello.
- I like your necklace.

Is that a lock of hair
in that vial?

- It's fur. One of the furry
twins gave it to me.

I don't know which one.
- Those twins,

they're such charmers.
Like this one there, huh?

With his sweet face
and his undernourished body.

He's such a sweet one!
- Well, the tone

says compliment, so that's how
I'm gonna take it.

- One moment.

If I catch you
cheating again,

I will cut off
your hand.

- Cool! Right, we're gonna get
going, Evangeline,

but nice seeing you.

- You know what, Bryn?

Yesterday, Mark was unmotivated
and borderline unemployable.

I don't like to pat myself
on the back usually--

- You've still got vomit on
your shirt from the teacup ride.

- Yeah, those things
spin way too fast.

- Yello?
- Oh, hello, Andy.

And how's my favourite son?
- Oh! I'm good, Dad.

- Oh, sorry, sorry.
I was actually asking

Rollie...

He's just kidding, Andy.
- I can't even see him,

and I can tell how angry he is.
Hey, Andy, Ruth and me

are staying another night
in Summerside.

The yard sales out here
are outrageous.

- Tell him about the skulls.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

We bought 50 human skulls.

- Wait. What guy
has 50 human skulls?

- Who cares? Somebody
offers you 50 human skulls

at a fair price,
you don't ask questions.

Yes, you do!

where is Mark? 'Cause I want
to tell him about this gift

I've got him: a skull.

He's working at the carnival.
- Oh, that's nice!

He's a carny!
Or is there another term

that they prefer to that?
Maybe a person of carnival?

- Andy, what the hell is Mark
doing working a carnival?

- He wanted to go,
but he didn't have any money,
so I convinced him to get a job.

- Why didn't you just
give him the money?!

- Because he needs
to learn responsibility, Dad.

- Andy, let me explain
something to you.

Carnivals are dangerous places,

and Mark is a sweet, naive boy.
They will eat him alive!

- Mark is a 30-year-old man;
I think he can take care
of himself.

- Oh, is that what you think?
- Yes!

I mean, I'm starting to lose
confidence, but overall yes!

- Oh, that's great. Well, as
long as you're happy with that.

- I am! I am not going
to baby Mark anymore,

and you know what?
Neither should you.

- So then I said,
"I don't care

"how much you cry about it,
if you don't got the tickets,

you don't get to ride, baby."

- You did not say that.

- I did. I said it
right to his 6-year-old face.

And he felt it.
He felt it.

- Haha!
- Yeah, you were born

for this work, man.
Just like the rest of us here.

- I'm just sorry I didn't
figure that out earlier.

- Many of us came
to it late in life.

I used to be a camera
operator on films.

- Ah, cool!
Anything I might have seen?

- Are you familiar with the Ken
Burns' Civil War documentary?

- Yeah. What?
You worked on that?

- No, I worked on a
pornographic parody of it.

That was 50 hours, right,

with some of the largest battle
scenes in pornographic history.

- Battle scenes? Wow, OK.
- Oh, but it wasn't expensive.

Like, 'cause we just
used like photographs,

moving screen left,
screen right and top to bottom.

- OK.
- Critics said

our faithfulness
to the form

ruined any hint
of eroticism.

- Sure, OK.
Wow, that's amazing!

- Thank you.
- You know. Yeah.

Did you all have jobs
before this too?

- Played in the CFL.

CFL... CFL...

- I won MVP
seven times.

- Right. No,
I'm just trying to...

- My face is the first thing
you see when you enter

the Canadian Football
Hall of Fame.

- Football! There it is.
There it is.

I always forget that Canada
has a football league,

but cool! Good for you!

OK, I'm gonna get
another drink.

Anyone else want something?

You're good? OK.
Be right back, guys.

- Soon, you will be
joining us on the road.

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. How far
are we gonna travel anyway?

- Some carnivals cover
the Maritimes,

some the country,

but our carnival
covers the Maritimes.

- Oh, OK, yeah.

Not really where I thought
that was going, but right on.

- You want to see what
our living quarters look like?

- Sure, yeah.
- Come on.

- Oh, jeez! OK.

- Would you like a drink?
- Oh, uh, yeah, sure.

It's a nice place.

Oh, OK...

Just two different liquors that
were sitting out, that's fun.

Oh, it smells so old.
I'll put that there.

- I never told you what I used
to do for a living.

- Oh no, you didn't, no.
- I worked with the homeless.

- Oh, wow! That's really nice.
- I taught them how to fight

for a series of online videos
called Homeless Battles.

- Right, OK, that is...

that is less nice
than I thought it was.

- Very much so.
- OK.

This is moving so, so fast. Um.

It's just like sort of
starting to dawn on me

that we don't know
each other too well--

- You are so sweet, huh?
- Oh...

- So much nicer
than my husband.

- Yeah. Yeah, I could have sworn
you said "husband" there.

- Oh, don't worry,
we are separated.

I've made it very clear
I care nothing for him

or his precious
Canadian football.

- Your husband is Jethro?
OK, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna leave this place. No.
- I knew you were no good!

- OK.
- One day in the
carnival and you're already

angling for my girl!
- Nothing happened, Jethro.

- I am not your girl!
We are separated!

And you are having sex
with strangers all the time!

- I did that once

because you wanted
to open up our relationship,

and I cried the whole time.
- Because you are weak!

- Oh, wow!
- Oh, bravo!

Where did you learn
to catch like that?

The stupid CFL?
- It's not stupid.

It's much harder than the NFL.
We only get three downs

instead of four, and our
field is ten yards longer.

Ten yards!
- Spare me your defence

of that ridiculous league, OK?
Eight teams total;

2 are called the Roughriders?
- That was only for a bit.

Ottawa is called
the Redblacks now.

It's not perfect, but it's OK!
- It is OK. So I feel

like this argument is no longer
totally about me, so I'm just

gonna scoot pass you--
- You're not going anywhere!

Jethro, get away from me!

What? What? Was that your...

was that your favourite vase?
- Those were my father's ashes,

you brute!
- Ohhh...

Andy!
- Hey, I brought vino!

- Turn around, Andy,
we gotta get out of here!

Dad was right,
this place is bad!

Let's go!
- Oh, oh my!

- Come back here
and face justice

like a man!
- Mark, what is going on?!

- Just get inside first,
come on! Go, go, go, go, go!

- OK, OK. OK, OK, OK.

- OK, let's go.
Let's try this again.

OK, OK, OK. Busy, still busy.

Why wouldn't it be?
Why would the only

police officer in this town
not have call waiting?!

- Mark, what
the hell is going on?
- OK, so turns out I sort of

almost hooked up
with Evangeline,

who's like married
to Jethro, who's

this former CFL star monster--
- Wait, wait, wait.

That was Jethro Boyd? Like,
seven times CFL MVP Jethro Boyd?

- I don't know. What...
How do you know that?

- I love the CFL.
It's a harder league.

Just deeper end zones,
only three downs, it's great.

- Shut up! Where's Dad?
He'll save us. Dad?!

- He's still in Summerside.
- Oh, my God, that's right.

There's nothing to save us now.
They're gonna kill me, Andy.

Those carnies, they probably got
some crazy punishment in store

for me. They're gonna skin me
alive. They're gonna take

my dick, Andy. Oh! Andy,
they're gonna take my dick.

- They're not
gonna take your dick.
- I think they might...

- No, they're not. Look, look.
For all we know, we lost them.

OK. Yeah, they probably have
your address on file.

- What's going on?
- Oh, God... There's a bunch

of carnival folk outside,
Bryn, and they wanna kill me!

- Are the furry twins there?
- Did you hear what I said,
Bryn?! They want to kill me!

- I'm gonna go put on
something nice.

- I'm gonna go talk to them.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't do that, Andy.
Don't talk to them.
There's no talking here.

No talking. No talking.
- Mark. It's OK. Look...

This is what big brothers do.

Oh, shit!
- We should have run when we had
the chance, Andy, you idiot!

- Mark, you have been found
guilty of two counts

of carnival impropriety and in
accordance with carnival law,

Jethro has chosen
trial by combat.

- What?!
- OK. We respect your custom,

but isn't a fight
to the death a bit extreme?

- It's not to death. It's just
to a certain degree of injury.

- Oh, it's just to a certain
degree of injury, Mark.

- "A certain degree of injury?!"
Then you fight him, Andy!

- OK. Mark! Mark,
Mark, Mark!

His one weakness is
he overruns his passes.

- This isn't football,
you moron!

What the hell are you talking
about?! Oh, my God! He's ripped!

...with his shirt off!

♪♪♪- Crush him, Jethro!

HEY!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

This is my property,

so you can all
clear off right now.

- Please and thank you!

- Sorry, sir, this is
an internal matter

pertaining to official
carnival business.

And once it's settled,
we'll be out of here.

- I know all about
your "carnival law".

And that means I know
that the aggrieved

could accept reconciliation
in goods rather than blood

if he, or she, so chooses.
- Well, yes.

But Jethro has chosen

trial by combat.
- Yes. Well...

Jethro hasn't seen
what I have to offer.

For instance...

- Fifty human skulls!

Where'd you get 'em?

- Hey! When someone sells you
50 human skulls at a fair price,

you don't ask questions!
- I hear that!

- Rollie said it earlier.
- What do you think, sweetheart?

If we piled up
these skulls,

they'd make a nice shrine
to your father.

Oh...

That would be
really nice.

- We'll take 'em.

- Do you think Jethro would
give me an autograph?

- The hell is wrong
with you, man?

I'm sorry, Dad.

I never should've let Andy
talk me into joining

the job market.
- That's right, son.

Listen, next time you need
money, just come and see me.

- How is that the lesson here?
He can't spend his whole
life without a job.

- Hey, you can just
hush your mouth.

You pushed him into all this.
And it cost me fifty skulls.

- Fifty skulls, Andy.

- Fifty...
- How is he gonna replace those?

Uh? Those don't come along
at a fair price every day.

Well...

I'm just glad it all
worked out for the best.

The whole family back together,
in the kitchen.

Doing our thing.
Minus Bryn.

Where... where is Bryn?

- Guaranteed she followed
those furry twins

back to the carnival.
- Yes.

That's a 100%... what happened.
- Oh, I don't believe it...

- OK. Well, I'm sure everything
is just fine, but just in case

I think that we should probably
all hop in the truck

and go track her down.
OK. Now, please.

Now, now, now. I'm actually
feeling very worried about this.

Go, go.

Let's go!

- ♪♪ You can make your life
a misery if you try ♪

♪ You can take a smile
and change it to a sigh ♪

Closed Captioning by SETTE inc

♪ And then you'd be on a cloud ♪

♪ Cause there's an awful lot
of sunshine in the sky ♪

♪ Yes, there's an awful lot ♪

♪ Of sunshine in the sky ♪♪