All language subtitles for Benny Hill s02e05 1973

Here we go.

Take one.

Come in.

Hello, Roger.

Hello, Debbie.

Can

you

tell it to me a bit?

kissed me.

Oh, dear, you're very young.

Hard to get around.

Oh, sir.

Hello, sir.

Sit down, my boy. Thank you, sir.

Are you well sitting there when I came
in?

Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Manny
Hill Show.

Manny, Manny, Hill.

Evening, all.

We're going to sing at you now.

Songs like, oh, the sandpiper is a funny
little bird. The way it behaves is real

absurd. But it's heading to the time
when there's a monsoon. Whistles of the

whole of the afternoon.

Wreckle your hips. Never try to kiss the
chicken on the lips.

Oh,

bend down, girls. Touch your toes. I'm
going to show you where the wild goose

goes.

I love Telly. She loves Dick. You can
kiss a duck's tail, but you better be

quick.

Now,

I met a little squaw in Wichita. She
told me that her name was Carol.

Telly, if I was Adam and she was Eva,
get my apples by the barrel.

I bought her some fancy...

cost me a dollar ten.

She gave them to her mother. Oh, I
shan't see them again. Oh, who's in

my eyes? Tell the lies.

She gives you a cheek effect.

You put a ring up on that finger.
There's a rubber around your neck.

Now, I met her boys at six foot forty,
wore size eighteen boots.

He sent me big cheap train with soap,
but you can call me tooth.

What if families don't know head from
tails that their little brother yelps?

it was true, because around the world
they had some mighty funny scouts.

Let me hear that euphorium.

Who that dude there?

I came in, so I said how, and I said how
again.

She said, I don't say how, because I
know how. What I want to know is when.

But she was the ugliest woman I've seen
since I left Nantucket. I won't say her

mouth was big, but she slept with her
four teeth in a bucket.

Come on, speedy, let's hear that violin.

Now at the honeymoon...

hotel. I got the fever of something
cruel.

So she went to get me cups of water to
try and keep me cool.

Then she stopped bringing water, though
I was thirstier than hell.

I said, why you no bring water? She
said, white man sit on well.

Now she said she was a widow and I said
I didn't mind.

She said she'd had a hard life and the
fate had been unkind. She said she had

nine daughters in the cemetery by the
creek, but she forgot to say that they

down there playing hide -and -seek.

That's true. That's real true.

So now, listen, guys, if they bat their
eyes and invite you to take a chance,

please put a ring up on their finger and
take them off my head.

Ain't that real pretty?

Thank you, God.

Real pretty, that guy.

Thank you, folks.

Thank you kindly for moseying up the old
corral. I'd like to have you meet my

old signwinder now, Mr. Henry Judge
McGee. Let's hear it for Henry.

Come on.

Twenty years ago... Beg your

pardon, madam.

Twenty years ago... They were unheard
of. Today, they are commonplace.

I am referring, of course, to that band
of brave and trustworthy men, the

Security Guard.

With me tonight is one of the very first
in that field, Mr. Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, all.

Good evening, sir.

Tell me, Mr. Scuttle, how long is it?

How long is what, sir?

Since you went into security.

We here at Scuttley Corps are proud to
be able to say, sir, that the bankers of

England have been happy to allow us to
handle their emoluments since

1958, sir.

And, yes, what would you say is your
main function?

Well, we have many functions, but I
would say...

Our main function is our annual dinner
and dance.

Which we have twice a year at the Las
Vegas Soup Kitchen's Old Sodbury, sir.

My meat pie was lovely last time, sir.

I mean, how would you describe your
role?

My role, sir?

In society.

Oh, to act as a detergent.

Oh, you are...

You deter the would -be criminal.

Well, somebody has to, sir. I mean,
nowadays, sir, they're all at it, aren't

they? Whipping things like clockwork.
It's a national disgrace.

We're becoming a nation of knickers.

You can't put anything down nowadays. If
a doctor tells somebody to take things

easy, they go straight down the
supermarket and stuffing it away, aren't

sir? I mean, nowadays, people just help
themselves.

Why is that?

Well, they can't help themselves.

I mean, picture the thing, sir. There is
the corner of a supermarket, sir.

There's an attractive young housewife,
often thinking she's on her own, sir,

she is just about to stick them fish
fingers up her fair isle when one of

our lads gives her a tap on the
shoulder, taps her on the shoulder. She

shocked back into the straight and
narrow path, sir, never to deter and go

again, sir. You see, cured, cured,
completely cured, sir. And she's never

up by the father.

No, sir.

Just tapped on the shoulder.

I wonder what. We don't involve the
police, you see.

But surely your presence wouldn't deter
a hardened criminal.

Don't take the mickey out of me.

A hardened criminal? Listen, it's not
just me, you know. You're forgetting

I'm only going to take one look at Rex.
The growl. It's growl alone, sir. It

turns your hair white.

Makes your teeth itch.

Goes through you like a dose of salt.
And those fangs, and he slobbers down

here. The criminals think, well, look,
they're off.

Rex is your guard dog. He's my brother
-in -law.

He's very healthy. He can gnash his
teeth and all.

Because they're national health teeth.

Gnash your teeth. I say, stop dancing up
there. You see?

He's alert, sir. He is, you know.

Isn't he rather small?

Ah, but he's beautifully marked.

You haven't seen him stripped, have you?
Not yet.

Not yet? Oh, that's interesting.

Freudian slip, that.

It shows as well. The thing is, sir, no,
underneath that outfit there, sir, is

seven stone of rippling skin.

You haven't seen biceps like his since
Hayley Mill stopped wearing short

sleeves, sir.

And he's marvellous with money, sir.
Marvellous with money.

He's a bit off colour today, sir.

Is he not feeling himself?

No, I think he's putting his money, sir.

You'll have to forgive him, sir. His
brain starts working the second he gets

and doesn't stop till he gets here.

Mr. Scuttle, in your organisation, what
is the usual compliment?

Something like, hello, sexy, how's your
belly off the spot?

Something like that.

How many guards do you employ?

Two, sir.

Him and his sister.

Yes, sir. Oh, she's very good. She's an
expert at Jewish jitsu and all that, you

know, sir.

Oh, yes. Besides, where else could I get
a guard for six pounds a week?

Six pounds a week? Has she lived on
that? That and her old age pension.

Tell me, have you ever been infiltrated?
Not on duty, sir.

We have the bevy afterwards. We have our
bevy afterwards, you see.

I meant, have you ever been got at?

By gangsters. Oh, not... He has, sir.

Speedy has, because he drives the
armoured truck, you see, sir.

That's a 500 weight jacked up outside,
sir.

Because it's only the... He had a mole,
sir. He had a mole come up.

They sent a mole, a gangster's mole,
round to him, sir. Oh, a mole.

Yes, she was there to tempt him, sir,
and sort of lure him.

She wanted to get hold of his root.

He hasn't got one, sir.

Hasn't it? Not a regular one, sir, no.

He dodges about like that, you see,
that's why.

He's used to dodging about, you see,
sir. He's a bachelor.

He's been coming to work from a
different direction every morning for

She tried everything on him, you know,
sir. Oh, she offered him, oh,

meetings in Rome, the sweet life, the
complete riveter.

But she was ported. Not by him, sir.

No, he wouldn't.

He didn't turn down her entreaties. No,
he didn't, sir. No, sir, he wouldn't,

sir. He had nothing to do with her. Go
away, he said, sir. He wouldn't,

you see, he's too honest.

Too trustworthy.

He's too bloody old to tell you that.

Poor devil.

Who's idea was it to go into security?

It was my wife, ugly enough.

You see, because it's her dog, you see,
sir. At home, it's like one of the

family. The wife's mother, to be
precise, sir. But when it's on duty...

I'll show you.

Go get the dog.

That's it. Come here.

Don't say it again. It's all right.
Listen.

Go and get the dog.

He knows, you know. He knows.

I believe we're actually going to have a
demonstration.

Yes, we are. Be very, very careful.
Elsie, come here, sir. Now, listen, sir.

Whatever you do, don't move suddenly or
you may get bitten, you see.

Not by her.

By the dog, you see.

Does she come under your jurisdiction?

Not as often as I'd like, sir, but, you
know.

Bring in the dog.

Don't, don't, don't, don't do anything
all of a sudden. Here he comes.

Hold him. Hold Peter there, hold Peter
there. Right, so now I will attack the

girl, and when I say unleash, don't
unleash till I say so.

Unleash, right.

Got it.

Don't bloody overdo it, you three.

Go and get him.

I'm sorry about that, sir. You know, I
mean, it must be the distemper.

And the dog's not well either, sir.

He wasn't like that at Crufts, sir. In
the competition, he wasn't like that at

Crufts at all, sir. Well, Mr. Scuttle. I
don't understand that.

Mr. Scuttle.

Unbeknownst to you, we made a film of
your team at work. You haven't, sir. And

we thought the viewers might like to see
it. Well, I never thought...

Thanks.

Shakespeare? Has he written for us
before?

He's not the one who sent in that saint,
is he?

He had him killed off in the first
episode.

I mean, it's hard enough getting to see
him. He's going in with only a look.

Yeah, I'll speak.

Hello, Mr Shakespeare.

What exactly is it you've written in?

Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah, it's got a nice ring to it.

No, no, no, I mean that. I really do. I
mean, you know, Steptoe and Son and

Bootsy and Snudge. Romeo and Juliet.

I've got one for you.

Romeo in the clover.

Please yourself.

How about every meal put in front of it
is Juliet?

Oh, it's not a comedy series.

Oh, it's drama.

Drama. Oh, we're interested. No, we're
interested. Yes, we really are. How many

weeks do you think we get out of it? 26?

They both die in the first episode.

Are you sure you didn't send in that
fake?

No, no. Could you give me another?

Yeah, the dialogue, you know, the sort
of the style of it.

He says to her, would I wear a glove
upon that hand that I might touch that

cheek?

Yeah, all right, well, it's not
Crossroads.

I'll be honest with you, it's not that
bad, Will, no, no. She's not sitting on

her hands at this point, is she, Will?

Well, you know, the glove and the
touching the cheek.

You know, I had to be so careful, Will,
you know, what with Chuck Berry's ding

-a -ling and...

An Andy's Warhole?

Well, there you are. You have to be
very, very careful, Will.

What sort of a fellow?

Oh, a fellow!

Yes.

What's a fellow about, then, Will?

About a moor.

Will, I don't know, you see, the design
department couldn't handle it, Will,

really, they couldn't. I mean, you mock
up a moor in the studio, it never looks

real, Will, never looks real.

I mean, we'd have to go on location
direct.

Oh, a Moroccan moor!

A black moor, a black fella. Yes, yes.
Oh, no, we don't mind. We're very open

-minded. No, no, fine, Will, fine, yes.

He's got a friend called who, Will?

Des... Desdemona.

Yeah, I know two pals together. That's
a... They're in love.

Will... I don't think they're ready for
it, Will.

I mean, two fellas... Oh, Desdemona is a
lady.

Oh, yeah, yeah, a black lady.

A blonde lady.

I don't know. You see, it's
controversial.

Look, I'll be perfectly honest with you,
Will. What we're after is another

Crossroads. That's all we want. People
walking about, talking, standing up,

sitting down, moving.

That's all we want, Will.

Let's all be happy with that.

Is that about a butcher, is it?

Merchant of Venison?

Oh, Venice!

Yeah, yeah, I know.

South of France.

It's got a villain, has it?

Oh, they love a villain, eh? Called
Shylock. Oh, they love a villain, Will.

He's not coloured, is he, Will?

Oh, is he?

Will, you see, we don't want to be
controversial, you see. That's the

mean, for controversial, outspoken
things, we leave that to Jess Yates.

It's not what we're after, Will. I mean,
let's be perfectly honest.

Midsummer Night's Dream. Now, that's got
a nice title. That sounds very nice,

Will. That'd be a very good attraction
for Christmas, wouldn't it, eh?

Yeah, it's got a comedian in it, has it?
Oh, lovely. They like a good laugh.

Yeah, he's not coloured, is he?

And he's not... His name's what, Will?

I mean, behind is all right, or sit
upon.

I'd even stand for bum.

You know, bottom.

Well, bottom, it's erotic, that's what
it is. We don't like anything blue here,

you see, Will.

On the Max Fargrave show?

Well, one or two, I suppose, will get
through, but we don't worry about it,

because he's a puppet, you see.

People, you know, you've got to be a bit
careful. A Midsummer Night's Dream has

got a lot of fairies in it.

Yeah, and they follow this old queen, do
they?

Oh, a lady queen. Oh, that's something
anyway.

Yeah, well, yeah. What's her name?

Titania.

Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it?

And what's his name?

Puck.

Now, look, Will, take a tip from me.
Give it up. Give it up. I mean, you'll

never be a writer as long as you've got
a hole in your aspartame coat.

You won't, Will. Give it up. Take a tip.
Yeah, bye -bye, Will. Yeah, ta -da.

I say, Sansa, will you get me Lord
Willis? I mean, you know where you are

Ted Willis.

I could never marry you. You're too much
of a dandy, Lord Chalfont St.

Giles. To you, ma 'am, I may be Lord
Chalfont St. Giles, but to many people,

known as... The Crimson Shadow!

I'm sorry.

Don't call that fast.

Honestly, it's such a little thing.

Hang on!

Hang on!

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Epstein.

We see Like passing strangers Oh

Buddy, oh Love could change

We were so inseparable.

Now you're at peace, baby.

Go ahead, my baby. Go ahead, my

baby.

Everybody, every day, should set aside a
little time for themselves.

A time to relax.

Could you hold it? I can't break it. I
can't break it. Hold

it! I'm holding it, but I can't break
it. I think it's a prop.

Give me the prop one. Give me the real
one.

In Spain they think it's fine to drink a
glass of wine.

We drink tea. Bloody arse!

Oh, my God!

1973 held the return of none other

than Doris Day.

Yes, our veteran virgin is back, chaste
as ever, this time by, you've guessed

it, Rock Hudson.

But with Doris cast... As a waitress,
you can bet that reality's not law would

arise as ugly head.

But does Rock love Doris for herself
alone?

Or does he just want to get his hands on
her nice tits?

Tits? Tits?

Needles. Needles?

Needless. Needless to say, Doris gets
raped, gets wrapped.

Doris is wrapped in a cocoon. In a
cocoon of fantasy.

and even go so far as to going out and
getting... getting kissed.

Yes, Rock kisses Doris where she least
expects to be kissed... when she least

expects to be kissed.

Rock even proposes marriage. She says
marriage is a big step, but she's

to tickle it if he washes it.

Tackle it if he wishes it.

The man with the cue card keeps going
further and further away. You're going

upset my trendy, way -out -but -oh -so
-lovable style.

Am I going to have to go again? Yes, I
am. But first, a visit to the fee house

of the August moon.

What a funny camera crew.

Don't go, Mustafa.

Don't go.

Farewell, little white dove. The time
has come for me to be.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Get the podcast!

Get the podcast!

Oh, thank you.

You had such a lovely baritone voice.

Miss... is high Karachi.

And this unsuspecting girl is about to
catch its

irresistible scent.

Everybody, every day, would set aside a
little time for themselves.

A time to relax and try chocolate cream.

You've

missed it again,

haven't you, you clumsy fat cow?

Oh, my bloody folks!

Folks, it's the Orange Blossom Sound.

What am I doing hanging round?

I should be on that train and gone.

I should be riding on that train to San
Antone.

What am I doing hanging round?

Just for a short vacation, I went down
to Mexico.

I didn't have much time to spend about a
week or so.

And I likely took advantage of a girl
that loved me so.

And I found myself thinking when the
time had come to go.

What am I doing hanging around?

I should be on that train and gone.

I should be riding on that train to San
Antonio.

Well, it's been a year or so and I want
to go back again.

And if I get the money, well, I'll ride
that same old train.

Well, I guess your chances come but
once, and though I sure miss mine.

I can't help wondering when I hear some
whistle crying.

What am I doing hanging around?

I should be on that train and gone.

I should be riding.

Talking to me tonight, through his
interpreter, Mr. Chow Min.

The Chinese Overseas Affairs Minister,
Mr. Chuen Gum.

Mr. Gum, welcome to London.

What did he

say?

He didn't say nothing.

Is he going to say something?

What for? You're not asking questions
yet.

Here we are.

May I say, sir, with all respect and
humility, that you honour me with your

gracious presence, your superb wit, your
unchallenged wisdom, and your

incalculable charm.

What did he say? He say now he know

how pancake feel when they pour clicker
on it.

Did the minister bring his wife with him
this time? No, because the Rothstein

had a raid in a hostile area.

Ah, well, you would in a hostile area.

No hostile area. Hostile area.

Oh, they had a raid in a youth hostile
area.

Ryan O 'Rissan had a raid in hostile
area.

Oh, Adelaide in Australia.

She can go loo.

She couldn't go to... No, no, she can go
loo.

She could go to... No, she could go. His
wife, she... She saw.

No, she saw.

She, she can go loo.

Oh, she's for a kangaroo.

Yes.

Who breeding lay?

Why, they.

How does the minister feel about his
trip to Great Britain?

Glade. Glade Britain.

You've got to be joking.

I am not showing you Glade Britain.

Glade Britain?

We are not.

We are not.

We are not.

Okay. Okay.

Is that all?

Oh, the last was a row to clap.

Across the sea, bring a nation to care
for him, peace and friendship, all that

rubbish. He all the time talking.

He's like a breeding glamour phone, that
guy.

He worse than you.

Talking, talking.

He'll hear you. No, it's okay. He don't
speak English.

Oh. Or maybe he say, yes, okay, no.
Here, look, look. Hey, cookie baby.

Huh?

You ugly, big, fat, toad -faced pig.
Yes.

Next time you go away, I go around your
house, have a bit of naughty with your

wife. Yes, okay. Yes, okay.

of this country interest him? He's
interested in a mountain climb.

Oh, Snowden. He should try Snowden.

What's Snowden got to do with it?

Mount Snowden. It's in Wales. It's very
high.

Mountain? Isn't it written high?

Little pimples.

In China, have a mountain right up
there.

Oh, how high is a Chinese mountain?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, of course.

How high is a Chinese mountain?

That is the name of mountain in Peking
Plumbing. How high?

Well, mountain is so high that you can
go right to the top and call out, Jones!

And two minutes later, back will come
the echo, Jones!

Hardly worth the clip.

Look, Cookie Baby, in China we have
mountains so high you go to the top and

call out, Wong!

And three minutes later is a comeback.

Which Wong you want?

But what had that got to do with the
mountain

climb? The late?

The late mountain climb.

Not the late mountain climb, the
mountain climb late.

Oh, the mounting crime rate. Yes, over
here it got too fast.

Soon you're going to have more, more
criminals than honest people. Then you

to put the honest people in prison to
protect them from the criminals.

I'm afraid it's a fact that in England
most criminals revert to crime when they

get out.

Is that not so in China?

No. Why is that?

We don't run them out.

What is the minister's opinion of our
Prime Minister, Edward Heath?

He not write Edward Heath.

He say Edward Heath give everybody
fleas.

Fleas? Yes.

That's true.

He give them a rage fleas.

And a fly's flea.

All the time he call him Edward Teeth.

Always smiling.

He say he have enigmatic smile. He say
Edward Teeth is inscrutable.

He say for many years he not know what
go on in Edward Teeth's head. And

then one day he find out.

What? Joy.

Nothing.

Ah,

I hear that your entourage has returned
to whisk you off to yet another

function. Before the minister leaves,
could you tell us, in a few words, the

difference between capitalism and
communism?

Well, you see, capitalism is... Look,
this is your house.

You no share with anybody, eh?

Inside is your wife. You no share your
wife with anybody.

You have all your possessions.

Capitalism is the cult of personal
possession.

We communists... Everything we have, we
share with our comrades.

And everything that the comrades have to
share, they share with us.

That is the difference, you see.

Everything that we comrades have to
share, they share with us.

Really? Don't you come on up home?

Yes, dear.

Up the lockers!

Thank you.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome back.

Now, we thought that little Jackie
Wright was looking rather peaky, so we

thought to sort of relax him, we'd send
him on a nice holiday.

You went away, I left.

They think a heart of mine is deep

you alone.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Get off.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for
being with us, and we look forward to

you all again very, very soon. Until
then, goodbye!