All language subtitles for Benny Hill s02e04 1972

Good evening.

Yes, I think we should ask ourselves
this question.

Knowing what we now know, shouldn't we
insist that those who cannot afford the

kind of life that we enjoy have a wage
rise long before ourselves?

And you know, I think I know what your
answer will be.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny
Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

Now when I was a lad, life wasn't so
bad. We had that big house on the hill.

Me dad wore a suit and we even had fruit
on the sideboard when no one was ill.

Poor Jenny Hogg, she lived on the bog,
so wet that her sheep kept on sinking.

Her old man used to tell her to run
round with the umbrella and stop all

wool from shrinking.

Oh, let's drink a toast to the
gamekeeper's daughter.

One look at her and my niece turned to
water. Now that she's gone, I miss her

like mad. She taught me so much when I
was a lad. Now old Teddy Sparks says she

can quote Marx, but he don't mean Carl,
he means Arpo.

Her dad is a fool and her mum was so
cruel she was twice drummed out the

Gestapo. She failed miserably at
geography or at spelling or doing a

Tell me where take me toward her is the
Indian border she said on the sofa with

mum.

Let's drink a toast to the gamekeeper's
daughter. One look at her and my knees

turn to water. Now that she's gone I
miss her like mad. She taught me so

When I was a lad, oh, she once gave an
actor a ride in her dung cart. They

passed three trucks and a tractor.

Each time she was asked what she'd got,
she'd reply, I can't load a dung in an

actor. Oh, the next time it happened,
the actor's face red and he said, Miss,

bear you no ill will.

But the next time anyone asks what
you've got, do you mind if I top the

keeper's daughter.

One looked at her and my niece turned to
water. Now that she's gone, I miss her

like a lad. She taught me so much when I
was a lad in a meadow one night. She

said, you treat me right and I'll drive
you out of your mind.

We lay in the clover and when it was
over, she said, now it's your turn to be

kind. Well, I'd only a tatter and so
with a stammer I gave it to her there

then. She looked at me strange and said,
I haven't got change. You'll have to do

it again.

Oh, let's make it toast as the game
keeps on going.

Now that she's gone, I miss her like
mad. She taught me so much when

I...

Thank you very much indeed, ladies and
gentlemen. It's very nice to be with you

all once again, and we're starting off
this evening with some more of those

things that go wrong on television, like
only this afternoon I was dancing with

Jenny Lee Wright, and unfortunately she
tripped, and I grabbed hold of her

corset, and I... I grabbed hold of her
corset, not always...

Could you... I thought you were going to
hold... I'm sorry, do you mind... Can

we go again, please? No, I thought you
were going to hold... We're going to go

across the ledge. I wanted...

Have some more champagne, my dear.

Oh, let me, darling.

All right.

What a sly little minx you are, to be
sure.

Pretending that you had never been to
Heidelberg before.

Well, Prost, my dear.

Here's to your lovely eyes.

Oh, is that my contact lens? I've been
looking for that.

Honestly,

honestly, Dennis.

I've got my tongue on that.

I'm coming down.

Was it, uh... Was it him?

Don't be silly.

Oh, my darling, not the eye.

All the feeling that you want me.

It's not funny.

I don't have to do that. Keith!

It's not funny, you know.

Get out. Get out. Get out. No.

Get out.

Of course I... I remember.

Everything?

Yes, I think so.

Oh,

how you climbed on my shoulders and
stood there for hours signalling the

name.

No, I shall never forget your great...

started taking down his trousers and
getting his... Dirty, filthy bitch!

Couldn't you learn to love me?

Love you?

Oh, can't you see I'm a woman?

Yes, I can see that. You know, when I
first met you, there was some forget.

You see, I will never... Are you trying
to tell me something?

Yes, I'm going to Australia.

Australia?

Do you think you'll be any more at home
there? I will be perfectly fine.

your own keys. Never mind keys. Never
mind.

Keep going again, Keith.

Jumping down every five minutes and
bending. You know I'm supposed to bend

in my trouble.

Nobody against me. You're all against
me.

If only things could be as they were.

How do you mean?

You've changed.

Have I? You have.

Let me look.

Be my guest.

I want to remember them just as you are.

West End, where only last Tuesday they
saw the opening of the very latest

addition to the night item of London,
the Fun Boy Club. And here with me is

man behind it all, Fred Scuttle. Good
evening, sir. Good evening, all you jet

-set swingers.

And welcome to Scuttle's exclusive Fun
Boy Club.

Exclusive? Yes, it's exclusive, sir.
Yes, yes.

Tell me, what are the incumbent
qualities pertinent to this exclusivity?

I beg your pardon, sir?

What have I got to have before I can
join? 30 bob.

You see, we want to keep the riff -raff
out, you see.

Because I intend becoming the Hugh
Hefner of Hounslow.

Are you going to emulate all his bunny
girls?

Not all of them, sir.

Not with my back, you!

Well, you know, if I get excited, you'll
be back, you!

I went then, sir. I'm sorry.

What I actually meant was, I mean, are
all your girls going to be dressed as

bunnies? No, sir. Teddy bears.

Teddy bears?

Very tasteful, sir. Yes, it's all sort
of little bodice. It's sort of like a

religious dress, sir. Lo and behold.

And it's very deep cut there and high on
there with a long suspender belt.

Yeah, you're dribbling, sir.

Very faithful, sir. What do these teddy
bears have to do?

They welcome the male guest, you see,
sir. Oh, I see. They go out. A little

teddy bear will go to the taxi door,
open the taxi door, and follow him at a

discreet distance into the club, you
see, sir. So no man ever feels he's

entering the club on his own.

Never? Never, sir. I've never seen a man
come in here without a bear behind him.

It's a tradition, you see, since last
Tuesday.

Tell me, how many of these lovely,
delightful teddy bears do you have?

At the moment, just the two, sir.

Two? The wife and her mother.

We are open to expand.

Your mother -in -law.

I'm not going to expand me mother -in
-law.

You know, just pick it up as it is. Oh,
I see what you mean. The fellas love

her. The punters love me mother -in
-law. Yes, she knows all the latest

cocktails. Oh, I see. She tells them...
She sells them in...

In the bar, sir.

Oh, yes,

indeed, sir.

No,

sir, you see, I mean, you could have a
vermouth with a cherry in it, sir,

martini with an olive in it. If you
like, you'd have a pint with a pickled

in it, sir.

But in the bar, anything goes, sir. She
gives them complete blancmange.

Absolute charabagne in there, sir.

Could I get Cuba Libre in there? As a
newt.

No, no, what I meant was, could I have
something tall and cold with a lot of

in it? Ah, we never let the wife go in
the bath.

She doesn't go in, not since the
accident.

She had one knocked over.

But she does the catering, you know,
sir. She does? Yes, she makes the old

sausage rolls, sir, you know. With her
own hands? No, she uses chipolatas.

We do have a restaurant, sir.

We have a really, it's very continental
cuisine, sir. What we call a la commode.

Is it topless?

It was, yes, but they were up after the
lead, you see, sir. And they were

finishing their soup six times, some of
them, because of the leak. And it wasn't

leaked soup.

Now, what I actually meant was, I mean,
are your waitresses topless?

Oh, no, sir.

Oh, we wouldn't have anything like that
in here, sir.

Well, I mean, these girls, topless,
they've got to serve a full meal, sir.

Hot things and... They've got to lean
across tables.

I mean, you can ask a girl to take a
thumb out your soup.

Not only that, sir, some of the ponters
that come in here are servicemen, you

see, sir. Oh, I see. And they like to
dance with the girls. Yes.

And some of these servicemen have got
medals.

And you can reckon on any week there's
bound to be one flag day.

It's all right for the lifeboat men, but
what about the poor girls? They're hoo

-hoo -hoo like that all the time, you
see, sir. I understand there are already

500 topless waitresses in London. I
think that's a thousand pitties, sir.

Honestly, think about it.

No, don't think about it. I honestly do,
sir.

I'll be perfectly frank with you, sir,
and I know you won't mind that.

I'll... Oh, I'll be earnest if you
prefer. The thing is... The thing is,

see, sir, we did ask one of the girls to
go out and serve a meal stripped to the

waist. Oh.

Well, I meant stripped down to the
waist, you see, sir. She misunderstood.

Up to the waist.

It was a novelty.

And then as she was going out, they were
saying, that reminds me, you got any

hot cross buns?

But really, sir, they come in for the
food. The food, sir.

Impeccable. I just said impeccable, me
though.

I mean, for your starter, sir, for
example, sir. I mean, you could have an

asparagus soup, sir.

You could have a patty de false grass.

Avocado. Have two cardos, if you like.

Then the main meal, then for your
afters. Your sweet. Thank you, sir.

I don't know about you television
people, no.

The thing is, sir, I mean, we give them,
after we give them a little bowl with

all the little pastries in, you think
there's... Oh, putty four.

We putty half a dozen.

You look up for him, you know, sir. Yes,
I understand, Mr.

Scuttle, that you're shorted to publish
a fun boy magazine.

Oh, that would be real... Sorry.

That would be real rich.

Oh, the fellows that go potty over that,
they will say, yes. Might one say that

this will be for the playboy to read in
his Mayfair penthouse.

Mightn't one?

One might say that, sir.

Especially if another one... Oh!

Oh, yes. Oh, it's all swinging, sir.
It'll all be happening, sir. How will

differ from the plethora? I haven't read
the plethora.

Men only, I know a plethora. I don't
know that one. No, no, I meant the

of men's magazines. Oh, sir, we will be
started.

We start off with an advice column, sir.

Oh, what to do for the lovelorn? What to
do on the lovelorn.

It's by Edgar Lustgarten.

Then, of course, a wench of the week. A
wench of the week? Peggy Mount, as you

have always said to her.

Thora Heard, more daring than ever.

Jasmine Harrison, photographed on her
birthday, wearing a suit suitable for

occasion. We never commit ourselves, you
see, because of the Lord Longford lot,

you know.

Sandy Shaw.

Sandy Shaw barefoot, all over.

Kathy Kirby in 3D. That'll knock their
eyes out.

And for the ladies, Edward Heath, full
frontal, sticking on his dinghy.

In the channel. In his bath.

You won't like it. You won't like it.
You won't like it.

I'll kill that electricity.

Oh, what a Christmas we had this

year.

Wally sunk 12 quarts of beer.

Oh, that's intemperate, says Reverend
Gray. Well, Wally says, well, being

teetotal ain't that great. I mean,
imagine waking up at eight and knowing

the best you're going to feel all day.

He says, but if I drop the worm in
water, it'll wriggle like it ought to.

But in beer, it dies as if attacked by
germs.

And Wally says, well done. Hear that,
everyone? Keep on drinking beer or

get worms.

And the hospital's working for all they
was worth.

Every hour, another birth.

Vicar went down to see the new young
mother. He said, hello, Sister Bell.

Why ain't you expecting as well? She
says, I work on the ether outing with

others.

Our dentist, Ivor Ball, had an emergency
call.

I'd take a tooth out for that nice Mrs.
Spring.

She says, will there be any pain?

He says, I've done this time and time
again, and I can truly say I've never

a thing.

She says, I nearly didn't come today. I
nearly stayed away.

I'm sure the pain would be more than I
can bear.

I'd rather have another baby.

He just looks up and says, well, lady,
make your mind up, because I've got to

adjust the chair.

We had decorations in the square.

Salvation Army band played there.

Captain says, if you know the words,
join in, and if not, um.

And he sees the widow pike.

He says, and which him would you like?
She says, oh, I'd like him with that big

drum.

And that great fat teddy bishop staggers
in the fish and chip shop.

He says, fish and chips and half a
cottage loaf.

She says, well, you've got to eat it
here or you've got to take it with you.

says, darling, I expect I shall do both.

Eh?

Well, he sees this Irish miss. He says,
how about a kiss?

She says, what for? He says, well, I
think it's a shame. I've never kissed

Blarney Stone.

But I bet your lips have kissed it.

So if I kissed your lips, that would be
the same.

Well, her face, it was a joy. She just
stood there looking coy.

And Ted, of course, he's proud of the
way he's chatting it. She said, I'm

to have to tell you, I've never kissed a
bloody stone.

But I must confess that once or twice
I've sat on it.

Here, here, wait.

And old George got married again, boxy
morning, half past ten. This time it was

Mrs. Hodge's daughter, June.

She looked all virginal and white.

Then she says, George, tonight.

He says, tonight we blow this afternoon.

Oh, dear.

And old Squire, he tells the players in
our football club, after the game,

straight in the pub, you're on a point
per man per every goal you score.

Well, of course, they didn't dream he'd
say the same to the other team. We won

by 90 goals to 84.

The match bottle flew past these eggs.

It's all right, I'm a faithless, he
said. If your name's on it, then it'll

your brains out, if you've got any.

The bloke behind us started to shout. He
says, let me out.

And I says, what for? He says, because
my name's Watley.

Oh, well, Christmas Eve.

Old Harry Dawes dresses up with Santa
Claus.

And he has a few and needs a map to find
his way with. He goes down next door to

Chimbley instead.

Ends up by Mrs. Toomer's bed and he
says, I've got something lovely here for

to play with.

Wow! I mean, Tim, it was all in sport.

This morning he's in court. And guess
who's on the bench? Old Fishface Grimes.

He said, I shall not treat this case
with leniency.

You've been charged with gross
indecency.

He said, cool, I ain't been indecent 144
times.

says, this year there has been more
lechery and sin than any other year I

recall. I award this lady ten quid. And
Harry says, oh, splendid, and if I can

afford it, I'll give her a bob of two
and all.

Well, Christmas come and went, and we
felt the time well spent. It was half a

bit more puddin'. Where is the bismuth?

And though we drunk until we burst, may
I be the first to wish you all a very

merry Christmas.

You try rhyming with bismuth.

And now we welcome to the show the
lovely Lady Bird.

Tough, hard -wearing, waterproof.

That is why this paint is suitable... A

touch of country goodness from St. Evil.

St. Evil?

No!

No!

Get rid of him! Get rid of him!

And quick!

I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

Stop the cameras. Stop. Oh, no.

No.

No.

No. Oh, the subtle girl. The subtle.

What? Is another account gone? Oh, God.

Get it. I'm going. No. Get out.

You're sacked. Both of you are sacked.

Difficult thing. Just wash off.

something soft.

Soft even in your heart.

Blow it! Blow it!

I'm bloody blowing it.

Oh!

I've opened myself now.

Oh, that made me ask for it. Just wash
off.

We're going... Are we going again?

If it'll hold this in place, think what
it'll do for your hair.

It's the last one we've got, you silly
fat cow.

Come on, come on, come on. I mean, I
think we can all... Go bloody hell!

Wait a minute!

Right, now, any last times with me, get
extra...

of Old Jakarta Rum.

I can now join you in signing with me.

Sign now. Sign now.

It wasn't

my fault. It wasn't my fault, Keith,
honestly.

If you're breeding pedigree dogs like
young Dilly here, always insist on

pedigree, Ben. You can't beat it because
it...

and calm, and that's very, very
essential to a dog, you know, especially

you're house -training a dog, to keep
them cool and calm, because otherwise if

they get over it, oh my God, I think
it's a... I think it's a...

I think it's a... Hold on a minute, I
think she's a little bit excited.

Could you get that cat...

It is Jack Norrie.

I don't know his mother.

But Jack Norrie. Are you comfortable?

Then I will start.

One upon two.

There lived a young woman with the name
of Goldie Lockshin.

And she was called Goldie Lockshin
because she had the most beautiful

hair all the way down the back.

On the head she was bald.

And he had a whole beautiful figure with
little crystals and big breasts.

And one day he was walking in front of a
cloud in the black forest.

Not with bird comfort.

But with beautiful flowers.

Not flowers for wearing, for sniffing.

The rhododendron.

And chrysanthemum.

And the blueberries and the daffodils.
And he was talking up and down all the

time. And don't forget, I'm only acting.

I'm a little poof.

And he hears a voice.

He turns and there was Hans.

Hans Knees and Bums. A beautiful young
woodcutter with a small

knuckle and a big chopper and...

Er gesagt, Goldilockschen, willst du
kommen in dieser kleine Cottage mit mir

eine Tasse Koko haben?

Und er gedenkt, eine Stück Koko mit
dieser höflichen Jungmasch, die sind

gut. So, er geht zu der Hause, trocken
und singen und denken, what chocolate,

drinking chocolate, what chocolate.

Und er geht zu der Haus und
Goldilockschen gesagt, oh, ich bin, ich

so haben sie seine Chopper gewippen
auch.

Where in the forest they go for the
woodcutting, for the fire making, for

worm making.

So they go away and Goldilocks is alone
in the house. But this house is the

house of the three bears.

And the three bears are very comical
bears.

Two bears were bow -legged.

And one was knuckle -kneed.

And when they stand together, they play
also.

Er war Mutterbär und Vaterbär.

Und der ganze kleine Gummi -Babibär.

So, Goldilockschen, er sitzen an der
Wartebärstuhle und etwas zu hart.

So, er sitzen an der Babibärstuhle und
etwas zu saft.

So, er sitzen an der Mutterbärstuhle und
war sehr gut für seine ganze schöne

Tochers.

So. ... ...

...

...

... ... ...

The halter for the bussen!

We have viel dummkopfen hier heute
Abend.

So, Berg, oh, es ist bestimmt ganz warm,
der bussenhalle.

Then the cami pantsers.

Und then the corset.

Oh,

oh, meine Gürtel ist killen mich.

So, and wenn er was nackert...

Er wird in das Bett gehen.

Schweine... Pardon.

Schweine in das Bett.

Kommen die drei Bären.

Und der Wartebär sagt, Who has been
eating my porridge?

Und der Babybär gesagt, Who has been
eating my porridge?

Und der Mutterbär gesagt, Sie sind alt,
dummkopf, und ich habe nicht jetzt

Wartebär.

So then, off the stairs we go, and into
the bedroom.

And the mother bear said, who has been
sleeping in my bed?

And the baby bear said, who has been
sleeping in my bed?

And the water bear closed the door and
said, good night.

So mom is so nice.

No,

no, and he was getting in the bed. Then,
Google Action is up again.

And he said, I can't sleep with a bear.

And the bear said, I'm not a bear.

I'm a man.

And the man started to take off his
skin. And Goldilocks said, why?

If you're a man, you're hiding all the
time, always hiding in the bear skin.

And he said, because I'm Martin Burman.

And I'm not dead.

And Arnold is also not dead.

And the war is not over.

My baby's not a portable TV that she
takes it with her all the time And she

takes it when we go out of walking or
rowing on the serpentine One out just

night in the pale moonlight, I asked her
for a kiss. But instead of looking into

her lovely eyes, all that I could see
was this.

She is very beautiful, isn't she?

That's why I appreciate her devotion to
me so much.

Oh, she's devoted to me, make no mistake
about that. She shows it in so many

ways. She worries about my career, my
health, and sometimes I think she should

get a younger man. I suggested to her
trying to come to me.

Not just her, but all three of you.
You're worrying all the time about my

health, my career, and everything about
me.

I don't know. I'm such a lucky man to
have this wonderful... Ah, you're good,

you're kind, you're decent.

You're American.

I like that in a person.

An American, that means a lot to me. It
really does.

Hmm. Push a little bit harder, will you?

I went round to the house where my baby
lived to ask for a date.

There I was, walking up the garden path
around about a half -hour's date, when I

heard a sound, man, before I found what
had stopped me in my stride.

I seemed to hear the voice of another
guy coming from inside.

I asked my husband if he'd trust the
turkey.

And he said,

With my life.

And then I said to him, what would you
say to a sole bon femme?

And he said, bonjour, sole bon femme.

Then I asked him if he had any time for
stuffing.

Some days it doesn't pay you to get up.

I'd like to take her portable TV set and
throw it in the deep blue sea.

Why, I'm so jealous of her portable TV
set because it takes her mind off me.

I said, oh, baby, please be mine. I want
you for my own.

Tell me, is your love for somebody else
or is it for me alone?

Also, for either pain.

The hollies, prickle -bottom rolls, itch
in her.

And tonight, he and his lovely wife are
celebrating their 25th

wedding anniversary.

And, you know, nowadays, with divorce
being so prevalent, there's just a lot

it about people living in permissive
society.

It's nice to know that a couple have
stayed together.

in wedded bliss for 25 years and tonight
they'll be watching the

program with their 27 year old son and
they

go on to say that until we saw your
program we didn't know

what wickedness and sin was and i think
that's lovely to get a

letter

I swore to her that I would be always
true and love her all the while.

And on the whole so happy day and may I
took her down the aisle.

Now do you take this man to be your
loving husband, the preacher softly

But he never heard her ladylike reply.
He heard the ladybird's instead.

Mrs. Shensei.

spend our honeymoon down on the island
of Capri.

I found ourselves a very small hotel as
quiet as can be.

But when I got up to our room upon our
wedding night, this is the sight that

my eyes as I switched out the light.

Ah, darling.

Here, where's the television set?

Television? He won't...

I've been on the continent. That's where
I've been. Ooh, baby, well, I heard

your little old prime minister was sold
on the common market.

And I wondered where you get him from.

And, uh, he's getting almost as chubby
as what I am, ain't he? Ooh, he's cute

a crook as a lot of compound teeth.

I tell you.

Anyway, I was in Spain in Barcelona, and
I'm speaking to this little Spanish

incinerator.

And I says to her, senor, gracias.

Senior bonus knockers.

And ooh, E .C .J. wouldn't believe I
weren't Spanish. Now, how about that? I

reckon I can understand some of them
better than I understand you lot out

You know that?

I'll tell you something. I was on the
underground.

Was it Piccadilly?

No? It was Lasseter Square.

I was on the underground there alongside
where they sexy photographs are. They

sexy gals wearing nothing but their
braziers.

You know what I mean? Now, you notice I
say braziers. I didn't say brassiere.

They're there for warming your hands on.
I know that.

Anyway, there's a sign up there, and it
says dogs must be carried on an

escalator. I look around ten minutes, I
couldn't find a dog in no place.

How about that?

And then they tell me I'm going to be
staying at a boating house.

Now, I thought they said boating house.

And when I see the landlady, she looked
like a chest of drawers with a second

drawer halfway out. You know what I
mean?

She takes me up to my room, points to a
sign, and then she sort of chassés out.

I look over the sign. You know what the
sign says?

Be in bed before I am.

Oh, baby, I was in bed at 8 o 'clock
every night.

And I found I was being in bed before 1
a .m.

As I know that.

And then another sign says, keep your
feet off the diving suit.

Well, I look around. I couldn't find a
diving suit in the whole place. That was

dive and sweep.

And then her husband, he's a nice little
old fellow. He says to me, if you're

cold in the night, just bang on the
ceiling and you can have my order down.

Now, I didn't want to come between
husband and wife. I wouldn't do it.

So I'll tell you, I went abroad. I went
to the travel agency. There was signs

there for the tours. There was the Asian
tour, the African tour, the Indian

tour. I said, please take tour you
require clearly and distinctly. You want

nobody there.

and I heard a fellow in the next room
pouring himself a cup of coffee.

At least, I think that's what he was
doing.

I yelled out, European!

I did not say that. I just noticed you
didn't say that.

Anyway, I took my cousin Tex with me.

He calls himself Tex. He don't come from
Texas.

He comes from Mablethorpe.

I mean, he don't like being called
Mabel.

I don't know, it suits him. Anyway, I'll
tell you.

I was in Paris, France, Europe.

At the hotel, I was washing my hands one
morning and wondering why that

Professor Freud only ever made cold
water taps.

I don't mind waiting.

Anyway, I look out the window, little
old fella getting married.

I says, the chambermaid, I says, who's
getting married? She says, Junice Paul.

Next morning, there's a funeral. I say,
who are they burying? She says, Junice

Paul. I say, well, he didn't last long.

I say, if you've got to go, that's the
way to go, ain't it, eh?

And ain't they little froggy boys, hot
-blooded? I tell you, I was up near the

Arc de Trumpet, alongside the champion,
Lars House.

I'm sitting outside this restaurant on
the terrace.

And there's a little old froggy boy
there. He was whistling the gals and

pitching them when they went past. I
said to him, hey, old timer, it's memory

lane for you, isn't it?

I said, when was the last time you had a
little romp in the hay? To do any good,

I mean.

He said, 1945.

I'd say, well, that's a long time ago.
He'd say, no, it's only 8 o 'clock now.

How about that?

How about that?

Anyway,

I was in Amsterdiam, in that diam, diam
square in

Amsterdiam. Oh, we'd have full of little
hippies there. There was one little

hippie gal. Oh, she were pretty as a
pimple on a pound of pickle pork.

She only had one shoe on.

I said, now, poor little hippie gal. I
said, you lose a shoe? She said, no, I

found one.

Please help.

Anyway.

So there, I'm in the hotel there, and I
go to wash my hands, and there weren't

no towel. I said to the landlady, how am
I going to dry my hands? She said,

stick them out the window.

I said, well, it's a good job I won't go
and take a bath.

I showed them a thing or two, I tell
you.

Anyway.

Hamburg! Ooh -wee, baby, is that a tell?
I tell you, I know how a hamburger

feels now.

Ooh -wee, they girls sure made mincemeat
out of me.

We was staying at the best hotel in
Hamburg, right between the River Elbe

and the Alster.

And I asked the porter to direct me to a
nice little restaurant. He pointed the

wrong direction.

I don't reckon he knew his Alster from
his Elbe.

Anyway.

This little old street there and this
long house with a lot of windows and a

of sassy little gals sitting in the
windows there.

And they was like talking to sailors.

Some was reading books.

I think maybe the light was a bit better
there so they sit in the window. I

thought it was a soup kitchen.

I heard this sailor say he's going in
for a basin full.

Me and Tex goes in. I said, now you
don't speak German and these saucy

gals don't speak English. How are you
going to communicate?

He said, I'm going to draw what I want.

I said, you draw what you wanted in
Spain.

He wanted steak and mushrooms, eat you a
picture of a cow and a mushroom, wait

to come back with a sunshade and two
tickets for a boat ride.

Anyway, this saucy little gal's chassis
is over.

And sits down, and he takes the pencil,
and he draws a picture of a cigar.

Well... She looks at it for a little
while.

Then she ups and goes away, comes back
with a cigar. Then he draws a pot of

beer. She goes away, comes back with a
pot of beer. Now, how about that? And

then she takes the pencil, and she takes
the paper.

And she drawed a picture of a band.

And he says, well, hoo -wee, baby!

He said, don't that beat all.

Now, how did she know I was a furniture
salesman?

That's what he said. Well, now, round
about here, folks.

I'm going to sing at you.

I don't know why you done me no harm.

I've written me a topical little song,
and it's called the Common Market Square

Dance.

Now you meet a man from Poland, you call
him a Pole. If you meet a man from

Holland, don't you dare call him a Hole.
See a drunk Italian, and what do you

say? Why, hi, diddly, hi, hi.

Okay, you wake up in Paris when the sun
is breaking through.

Here's a custom throw in.

Naughty folly bear, shadow boy, you
might see something that you shouldn't

That's me.

Buy yourself a good praise book, and you
open it up, and you take a look.

Open up the porch. Shut that door.

Father of two.

I love Dick. I mean, I love you, I'm
sorry. Now you're really cooking with

But at two degrees.

Click your heels and flash your teeth.
It's Willy Brandt and Edward Heath. Join

hands, pass the money round.

Broke the mark and think the pound.
German wine and sauerkraut.

Belgian beer and Brussels sprouts. When
you go shopping, if things get any

worse, you'll carry your money in your
basket and your shopping in your purse.

Here we go.

Bye, everybody.

Now, we'll see you all again real soon.
And don't forget, so you stop on by next

time we're around, won't you? Bye now.
Bye.