All language subtitles for Benny Hill s01e05 1970

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:33,410 Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny Hill Show. 2 00:00:33,830 --> 00:00:36,270 And here is Benny Hill. 3 00:00:38,070 --> 00:00:39,490 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. 4 00:00:40,310 --> 00:00:43,630 Surely nice to be with you once again. I thought as it's a new series, we'd 5 00:00:43,630 --> 00:00:45,630 start off with a song with a moral. 6 00:00:46,850 --> 00:00:51,110 Now the train pulled out of Houston, George got aboard all right. But when he 7 00:00:51,110 --> 00:00:53,990 found the seat that he'd reserved, he suddenly went white. 8 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:57,520 For there was a great big suitcase. It was battered as could be. 9 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,820 Next to it was a hippie who was humming happily. 10 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,120 Die, die, die, die, die, die. 11 00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:04,720 Die, die, die, die, die, die. 12 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:12,040 George said, look, I'm not unreasonable, intolerant, or hard, but if you don't 13 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,500 move that suitcase, I'm going to fetch the guard. 14 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,480 Die, die, die, die, die, die. 15 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,640 Die, die, die, die, die, die. 16 00:01:19,460 --> 00:01:20,840 Die, die, die, die, die, die. 17 00:01:23,619 --> 00:01:27,000 George said, look here, I reserve that place as windows. It is mine. 18 00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:30,640 If you don't move that suitcase, I'm going to chuck it out on the line. 19 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,760 So George took up the suitcase and he threw it out on the track. 20 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:45,800 He said, there you long -haired layabout. 21 00:01:46,020 --> 00:01:47,120 What are you going to say to that? 22 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,900 Die, die, die, die, die, die. It's not my bloody case. 23 00:01:56,330 --> 00:01:57,330 Thank you. 24 00:01:57,870 --> 00:02:02,230 Thank you. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you could imagine the look on George's 25 00:02:02,230 --> 00:02:06,070 face at that point, you would have what is listed in the comedian's handbook as 26 00:02:06,070 --> 00:02:09,770 look number seven. It's a mixture of sadness and surprise. 27 00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:13,330 And here are some classic examples of that look. 28 00:02:14,150 --> 00:02:15,310 George. Yes, dear. 29 00:02:15,550 --> 00:02:22,450 If I die, if I die and you marry again, promise me one thing. What's 30 00:02:22,450 --> 00:02:23,119 that, love? 31 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:26,200 Promise me you won't let her wear my clothes. 32 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,600 Of course not, darling. 33 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,120 They wouldn't fit Sandra anyway. 34 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,620 Oh, Roger, of course you're the first. 35 00:02:38,660 --> 00:02:41,660 Why do you men always ask the same question? 36 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:22,760 Oh, yes. 37 00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:26,320 That's much more comfortable. 38 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,120 Oh, dear. 39 00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:33,680 Darling, what... What happened? 40 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:38,880 Oh, it was so horrible. He just rushed in. He's like a mad thing. I tried to 41 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:42,940 find him off. I tried, but he was so strong. Darling, darling, darling. Who 42 00:03:42,940 --> 00:03:44,520 it? Who did it? Your agent. 43 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,840 Your agent. My agent? 44 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,140 say anything about that parking crossroads. 45 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:07,620 Good night, mother of six. 46 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,360 Good night, father of one. 47 00:04:28,010 --> 00:04:29,050 crossing the equator now. 48 00:04:29,430 --> 00:04:31,010 Oh, could I see it? 49 00:04:33,030 --> 00:04:34,030 Certainly. 50 00:04:39,010 --> 00:04:40,750 Here, I'll just hold it up like that. 51 00:04:41,130 --> 00:04:42,130 Thank you. 52 00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:48,490 Oh, I can see it. And look, there's a camel walking across the equator. 53 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:55,240 Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome from Spain, Los Zafiros! 54 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,360 ¶¶ 55 00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,100 ¶¶ 56 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:25,780 I'll write your name on the sand. And then everything will run. 57 00:09:26,820 --> 00:09:32,540 So that no one will know your name. Maria Isabel. 58 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:37,760 Take your hat and put it on. 59 00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:44,620 Let's go to the beach where the sun shines. Take your hat and put it on. 60 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,640 Let's go to the beach where the sun shines. 61 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:19,240 La luna fue caminando 62 00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:29,550 Tenías celos de tus ojos y tu forma de mirar. 63 00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:33,190 Coge tu sombrero y póntelo. 64 00:10:33,630 --> 00:10:36,750 Vamos a la playa que alita el sol. 65 00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:39,970 Coge tu sombrero y póntelo. 66 00:10:40,450 --> 00:10:43,590 Vamos a la playa que alita el sol. 67 00:10:56,140 --> 00:10:57,140 Bom -bom -bom! 68 00:13:27,690 --> 00:13:31,670 You see, if they don't use them against you... Bula, bula. 69 00:13:33,090 --> 00:13:36,750 We will have a clause in the contract that says they mustn't do it. 70 00:13:37,910 --> 00:13:38,910 Bula, bula. 71 00:13:39,490 --> 00:13:43,750 And if they do, Sir Alec Douglas, you know who, will get on them and say, 72 00:13:43,850 --> 00:13:45,270 naughty, naughty, naughty. 73 00:13:46,330 --> 00:13:48,250 Bula, bula, bula, bula. 74 00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:52,350 Yes, yes, yes, I don't know. So let's go and have a look at those cattle of 75 00:13:52,350 --> 00:13:54,850 yours, shall we, in the field over there. Yes, Juana, we go. 76 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,540 But whatever you do, don't tread in bula. 77 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:09,220 Ladies and gentlemen, you may remember in the last series, we showed you some 78 00:14:09,220 --> 00:14:13,280 those moments on television when things, you know, go wrong. I would like to add 79 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,620 that this in no way reflects upon the technicians here at Thames Television, 80 00:14:16,620 --> 00:14:19,740 have at all times done their very, very best and shown an efficiency which is 81 00:14:19,740 --> 00:14:21,920 quite remarkable in the field of performance. 82 00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:27,490 Your bishop for how long? 83 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:30,170 For more years than I care to remember. 84 00:14:30,850 --> 00:14:34,430 But you know, I always remember you used to say to me, never forget, Reverend, 85 00:14:34,770 --> 00:14:38,750 hard cash does not a soft heart make. 86 00:14:39,410 --> 00:14:41,110 And you know, I never forgot that. 87 00:14:42,610 --> 00:14:45,330 Thank you, Reverend Feltree. 88 00:14:52,610 --> 00:14:54,730 Never found out what the silly old twit meant. 89 00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:01,120 This building, he pinched my bum. 90 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,780 God says I blame him. 91 00:15:05,220 --> 00:15:07,160 As soon as we're off, I should pinch him myself. 92 00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:10,580 Cut the sound! 93 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:11,559 The sound! 94 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,800 Cut! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 95 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:15,640 What's happening? 96 00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:34,290 I didn't see anything wrong myself with that, Liza. 97 00:15:35,230 --> 00:15:36,350 What's the van load up to? 98 00:15:47,290 --> 00:15:49,990 Have you got any steps? 99 00:15:50,190 --> 00:15:51,290 Could you get the steps, John? 100 00:16:10,090 --> 00:16:11,090 Jimmy Clithero. 101 00:16:11,150 --> 00:16:13,610 I can't get it out. It's so good. 102 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:14,890 Stop the music. 103 00:16:15,770 --> 00:16:20,710 Oh, I've never had this trouble before on the BBC. 104 00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:09,440 John, I thought you were going to pull it. You didn't. 105 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,280 You didn't pull it. 106 00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:21,260 I say, 107 00:17:22,839 --> 00:17:27,720 why don't we stop in this evening and gorge ourselves on these adorable 108 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,940 matchsticks? Matchsticks. 109 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,660 97 sticks of sheer delight. 110 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,440 As relaxed as the people who eat them. 111 00:17:38,510 --> 00:17:39,550 I can't help it, sir. 112 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:40,990 But 113 00:17:40,990 --> 00:17:58,270 soft. 114 00:17:58,730 --> 00:18:02,610 My love is here. My goddess there doth sit. 115 00:18:02,950 --> 00:18:04,830 Oh, that sweet face. 116 00:18:05,370 --> 00:18:09,750 Oh, those gentle arms in whose unfolding I would die a thousand deaths. 117 00:18:10,930 --> 00:18:12,830 Soft, she speaks. 118 00:18:15,390 --> 00:18:17,090 I've got your bloody lines. 119 00:18:47,690 --> 00:18:53,510 Just like the strain of haunting refrain 120 00:18:53,510 --> 00:19:00,330 Gilded upon a marathon And run around your 121 00:19:00,330 --> 00:19:02,470 brain You can't forget 122 00:19:25,610 --> 00:19:27,070 It's just you. 123 00:19:29,610 --> 00:19:32,190 A pretty girl. 124 00:19:32,890 --> 00:19:36,350 It's like a melody. 125 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:42,750 When I call you. And I'll tell you. 126 00:19:44,630 --> 00:19:47,910 Just like a melody. 127 00:19:49,110 --> 00:19:50,690 Just like a melody. Just like a melody. 128 00:19:50,910 --> 00:19:52,710 Just like a melody. 129 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,900 This is my picture. I thought you might like to see it. Hold it, George. 130 00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:03,300 What? 131 00:20:06,380 --> 00:20:12,140 Hello, and welcome again to Thames. And now, time for news and views of the 132 00:20:12,140 --> 00:20:15,840 entertainment scene from the man who is becoming known as the Mr. Show Business 133 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,360 himself, Fred Scuttle. 134 00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:19,460 Good evening, viewers. 135 00:20:20,100 --> 00:20:21,780 Glad you could make the scene. 136 00:20:22,910 --> 00:20:24,530 Hello, Mr. Skyhawk. Hello. 137 00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:27,490 My goodness me, you certainly are looking smart. 138 00:20:27,950 --> 00:20:31,050 Trendy. And all this pop art. 139 00:20:31,310 --> 00:20:32,530 Pop art where, sir? 140 00:20:33,830 --> 00:20:35,290 All this, yes. 141 00:20:35,550 --> 00:20:38,410 In keeping with Thames Television's new image. 142 00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:43,090 Our motto, sir, go gay with Thames. 143 00:20:45,130 --> 00:20:47,150 We're all going gay, are we? 144 00:20:47,630 --> 00:20:49,630 I think some of us have started already. 145 00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:54,640 You see, sir, we are going to cater to the young now, sir. We're becoming youth 146 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,460 -oriented, sir. 147 00:20:56,780 --> 00:20:58,900 Does that mean we're going to have lots of pop shows? 148 00:20:59,620 --> 00:21:00,900 Festivals, sir. Festivals. 149 00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:03,400 You've heard of Woodstock? Yes. 150 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,060 Newport Jazz Festival? 151 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,500 Yes. Monterey Pop? 152 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,440 Yes. Chipping Sodbury. 153 00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:12,300 Chipping Sodbury? 154 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:18,060 Viewers will see for the first time a three -day rock and roll, underground 155 00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:20,500 jazz, psychedelic freakout. 156 00:21:21,050 --> 00:21:24,050 From the Derby and Joan Club. And now, Mr. 157 00:21:25,310 --> 00:21:28,830 Scott, who is on the bill? Who isn't on the bill, sir? 158 00:21:29,690 --> 00:21:36,190 None other than the return of Henry All and his over -sex debt, 159 00:21:36,370 --> 00:21:43,270 followed by Britain's greatest underground group, W 160 00:21:43,270 --> 00:21:49,530 .C. Handy and the Chain Gang, 161 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:55,719 Who's that? 162 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:56,720 I forget. 163 00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:04,080 And to round off the entertainment, sir, Victor Sylvester and the comb -dancing, 164 00:22:04,340 --> 00:22:06,640 Topless Go -Go -Girl. 165 00:22:08,020 --> 00:22:09,020 Topless, eh? 166 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,200 Well, let's hope there isn't a nip in the air. 167 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,760 There will probably be several, sir. 168 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:24,400 Well, now, Mr. Scantle, who presents some stages this extravaganza? None 169 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,670 than... Rather than Madame Emily Fudge, sir. She is a maid from there. Oh, 170 00:22:27,670 --> 00:22:32,470 really? Mind you, sir, I liaise with her. Do you? Yes, at every opportunity. 171 00:22:33,430 --> 00:22:34,430 She's big. 172 00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:41,150 Well, tell me, how often does she hold them for you? 173 00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:03,220 Matron. I was asking about Matron. Yes, sir. How often does she hold it? 174 00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,740 It's funny you should ask that, sir. 175 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,860 Because the concert is held biannually. Oh. 176 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,080 Once a week. 177 00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:17,520 And I suppose we can expect the customary scenes, then, of nude bathing. 178 00:23:17,860 --> 00:23:21,640 I sincerely hope not, sir. No, no, sir, no. I mean, you know, a lot of men 179 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,420 running around stark as it's... Indecent. 180 00:23:24,810 --> 00:23:26,190 I'm tidy, I would have said. 181 00:23:27,850 --> 00:23:32,870 The thing is, it's not in keeping with the Thames images. I see. I can 182 00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:34,890 understand that. Well, may I put it another way? 183 00:23:35,290 --> 00:23:36,890 As far as I'm concerned, you can. 184 00:23:38,270 --> 00:23:42,950 It's up to you, isn't it? I mean, I mean, I mean to say, what do you have to 185 00:23:42,950 --> 00:23:45,930 say? Are Thames executives against attractive nude women? 186 00:23:46,230 --> 00:23:47,710 Not as often as they'd like to be. 187 00:23:49,710 --> 00:23:53,850 But my guess is, no, it wouldn't do, would it? I mean, it would never be 188 00:23:53,910 --> 00:23:57,690 I mean... If you had nudity on television once, sir, the floodgates 189 00:23:57,690 --> 00:24:01,570 open, sir. They'd all be up, sir. I mean, you'd have nudes at ten. 190 00:24:02,610 --> 00:24:04,210 You would. 191 00:24:05,450 --> 00:24:06,450 Opportunity knockers. 192 00:24:11,230 --> 00:24:12,850 Oh, Coronation Street. 193 00:24:13,770 --> 00:24:14,830 That's a thought, isn't it? 194 00:24:15,310 --> 00:24:21,170 And so think of those poor make -up girls, sir. What about them? Well, on 195 00:24:21,170 --> 00:24:23,030 like the Black and White Minstrels show. 196 00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:26,920 Black and white... Black and white Mitchell's shoulder. 197 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:29,860 Well, they'd have their handful, wouldn't they? 198 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:35,180 All that lot, huh? Yes. No, I can't see it, frankly, Miss Delphine. 199 00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:38,020 No, no, I can understand that. Well, now, I can see how you're catering for 200 00:24:38,020 --> 00:24:41,260 young, but what have you in store for, well, for instance, people in my age 201 00:24:41,260 --> 00:24:43,540 group? Oh, we cater to the elderly as well, sir. 202 00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:46,540 We're going to give them a bit of uplift. 203 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:48,040 Oh, culture. 204 00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:49,300 As well, yes. 205 00:24:50,100 --> 00:24:52,920 They're going to want the lots. They're having Jean -Paul satire. 206 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,580 Yes. The famous existing sensualist. 207 00:24:57,180 --> 00:24:59,540 The opera, Madame Buttonfly. 208 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:03,640 Sir, 209 00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:10,560 they're going to have a repeat of Waiting for Doggo by Albert Brecht. 210 00:25:10,820 --> 00:25:13,040 Oh, yes. Yes, the theatre of the absurd. 211 00:25:13,380 --> 00:25:14,500 Yes, yes. 212 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:17,520 Tell me, why was it categorised that way? 213 00:25:17,860 --> 00:25:18,960 I'm often wondering. 214 00:25:20,460 --> 00:25:23,920 Can I put that one another way? What do you mean? Well, I mean, why do they call 215 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:24,920 it absurd? 216 00:25:25,020 --> 00:25:28,580 Well, sir, our budget was 15 ,000 quid, sir, and eight people watched it. 217 00:25:28,780 --> 00:25:31,540 You can tell me anything more absurd than that. I'd like to hear it, sir. 218 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,220 Well, I think that's almost uninteresting. Thank you, sir. We do our 219 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:40,940 Have you any documentaries for us, or travel logs? Yeah, we have the best, 220 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:46,420 The Underwater World... Sorry, the Underworld Water... I'll get it right if 221 00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:47,419 kills me. 222 00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:50,930 On Jack Custard, sir. I don't think I've seen that one. Then you're in luck, 223 00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:53,890 sir. Why? Is it as bad as all that? No, no, we're just starting. We've got it 224 00:25:53,890 --> 00:25:56,930 all there. I say, Brian, could you get Philip to lace it up? 225 00:25:57,230 --> 00:25:58,450 Not your corset, no. 226 00:25:59,310 --> 00:26:05,890 The outcomes of the 227 00:26:05,890 --> 00:26:10,330 cobalt sea, because so many interesting specimens of marine life exist here, 228 00:26:10,490 --> 00:26:11,890 like the carbel fish. 229 00:26:12,610 --> 00:26:17,710 Unlike other fish, the carbel fish only has one mating season per year. 230 00:26:18,830 --> 00:26:20,570 This lasts for 12 months. 231 00:26:22,050 --> 00:26:24,830 Unfortunately, there is no female of the species. 232 00:26:25,690 --> 00:26:28,730 The carbel is a very unhappy fish. 233 00:26:29,310 --> 00:26:33,370 And the little viping, the smallest fish known to man, yet every year it lays a 234 00:26:33,370 --> 00:26:35,450 batch of eggs weighing four times its own weight. 235 00:26:36,150 --> 00:26:38,930 The viping is also a very unhappy fish. 236 00:26:40,630 --> 00:26:43,790 But we had come here to find the forward -walking crab. 237 00:26:44,570 --> 00:26:49,730 As you doubtless know, unless you are a great stupid idiot, crabs always walk 238 00:26:49,730 --> 00:26:54,030 sideways. But a native girl assured us she had seen a forward -walking crab. 239 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:14,720 a nervous little creature, and wore a knife strapped to her thigh to protect 240 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:15,720 from the crew. 241 00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:17,680 Totally unnecessary, of course. 242 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:24,580 They were more interested in the ocean, and they couldn't wait to get to the 243 00:27:24,580 --> 00:27:25,580 bottom. 244 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:33,380 We had already collected many interesting specimens. We had a catfish, 245 00:27:33,380 --> 00:27:39,820 called Kitty, a seahorse, which we called Dobbin, and a little water otter. 246 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:41,360 which we called a kettle. 247 00:27:43,140 --> 00:27:47,240 And if the girl was very impressed with Han's collection of shellfish, here she 248 00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:50,980 is admiring his muscles and his cockles. 249 00:27:53,340 --> 00:27:57,620 He had collected them himself and was justly proud of his great feet. 250 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:03,620 He was also responsible for catching our dogfish and 251 00:28:03,620 --> 00:28:07,620 our conger eel. 252 00:28:24,750 --> 00:28:26,410 got along splendidly together. 253 00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:38,370 Nothing ever 254 00:28:38,370 --> 00:28:40,090 distracted them from their work. 255 00:28:52,670 --> 00:28:54,850 in the Cobalt Sea are in danger of becoming extinct. 256 00:28:55,290 --> 00:28:57,870 We had hoped that these electric eels wouldn't mate. 257 00:29:02,010 --> 00:29:05,290 Unfortunately, he was AC and she was DC. 258 00:29:05,910 --> 00:29:10,130 This female soul had spent five years in the Cobalt Sea and never had contact 259 00:29:10,130 --> 00:29:11,130 with a male soul. 260 00:29:11,790 --> 00:29:12,870 Poor old soul. 261 00:29:14,650 --> 00:29:16,610 We had hoped to do some breathing. 262 00:29:19,730 --> 00:29:21,990 But alas, it was not to be. 263 00:29:22,630 --> 00:29:26,650 Jean -Paul was anxious to get on with the sale. He'd heard that cobalt sharks 264 00:29:26,650 --> 00:29:30,510 were in the area, but we all knew that sharks never attack human beings. 265 00:29:31,550 --> 00:29:33,430 Unfortunately, the sharks didn't. 266 00:29:35,910 --> 00:29:38,810 On our very last day, our luck was in. 267 00:29:39,510 --> 00:29:43,350 Our native girl had found what we had been looking for, the forward walking 268 00:29:43,350 --> 00:29:44,350 crab. 269 00:29:44,530 --> 00:29:48,350 After a considerable investigation, we found out the reason for the phenomenon 270 00:29:48,350 --> 00:29:49,710 of the forward walking crab. 271 00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:54,460 There had recently been dumped in these waters a quantity of contraband rum, and 272 00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:58,440 the forward -walking crab was walking forward instead of sideways because he 273 00:29:58,440 --> 00:29:59,620 blind -stinking drunk. 274 00:30:32,010 --> 00:30:34,250 The next item is in black and white. 275 00:30:40,470 --> 00:30:41,470 Good evening. 276 00:30:41,850 --> 00:30:46,350 Now, now, now, we here in this country do have a color immigration problem. 277 00:30:46,830 --> 00:30:50,790 I'm going to be frank about this, because I believe in calling a spade a 278 00:30:54,110 --> 00:30:55,110 Because, 279 00:30:55,350 --> 00:30:58,270 you see, I mean, I quite like you blacky cappies. I mean, you coon feathers. 280 00:30:58,550 --> 00:31:01,130 I do, I do, I like you, I do. Oh, thank you, dear boss. 281 00:31:01,550 --> 00:31:03,930 But, you know, I think you're a real nice fellow. 282 00:31:04,430 --> 00:31:09,050 That's how it is. But, you know, I have a gardener, and he's a blackie just like 283 00:31:09,050 --> 00:31:10,370 you, you know, from Nigeria. 284 00:31:10,890 --> 00:31:11,950 Trinidad, eh, boss? 285 00:31:12,270 --> 00:31:16,830 I is from Trinidad. Yeah, well, out there, you know. But I treat him just 286 00:31:16,830 --> 00:31:21,890 an ordinary human being, you see, because I believe that no matter what 287 00:31:21,890 --> 00:31:24,670 man is, makes no difference to his personality. 288 00:31:25,230 --> 00:31:27,270 Because, you see, only the soul... 289 00:31:34,530 --> 00:31:35,530 You know, 290 00:31:36,330 --> 00:31:41,430 personally, I have nothing against you chaps, but I wouldn't want my daughter 291 00:31:41,430 --> 00:31:42,530 marry one of you chaps. 292 00:31:42,770 --> 00:31:47,710 Well, your daughter couldn't stand the pace on account of the reputation we got 293 00:31:47,710 --> 00:31:49,410 for sexual perility. 294 00:31:50,650 --> 00:31:56,110 Why, only the thing that we can do, I think, quite honestly, is to show each 295 00:31:56,110 --> 00:31:59,610 other a little tolerance, a little understanding. and I say you'll all come 296 00:31:59,610 --> 00:32:00,610 right in the end. 297 00:32:01,010 --> 00:32:02,290 Would you care for a cup of tea? 298 00:32:03,070 --> 00:32:03,889 Come on up. 299 00:32:03,890 --> 00:32:04,869 That's quite nice. 300 00:32:04,870 --> 00:32:11,630 Ladies and gentlemen, I am 301 00:32:11,630 --> 00:32:14,450 delighted to be able to welcome to the show Two's Company. 302 00:32:26,410 --> 00:32:33,190 Try to remember the kind of September when life 303 00:32:33,190 --> 00:32:39,350 was slow and old so mellow. 304 00:32:39,470 --> 00:32:46,150 Try to remember the kind of 305 00:32:46,150 --> 00:32:52,950 September when grass was green and the grain 306 00:32:52,950 --> 00:32:55,050 was yellow. 307 00:32:56,270 --> 00:33:02,790 Try to remember the kind of September 308 00:33:02,790 --> 00:33:08,570 when he was a tender and 309 00:33:08,570 --> 00:33:11,130 callous fellow. 310 00:33:11,550 --> 00:33:18,550 Try to remember, and if you 311 00:33:18,550 --> 00:33:21,450 remember, then follow. 312 00:33:43,909 --> 00:33:49,750 Try to remember when life 313 00:33:49,750 --> 00:33:51,930 was so tender. 314 00:34:19,729 --> 00:34:26,150 And if you remember, then 315 00:34:26,150 --> 00:34:32,350 follow. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow. 316 00:34:33,429 --> 00:34:36,949 Date in December. 317 00:34:37,469 --> 00:34:40,389 It's my stream. 318 00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:49,350 The snow will follow. 319 00:34:49,810 --> 00:34:56,710 Deep in December, it's nice to 320 00:34:56,710 --> 00:35:01,530 remember. Without the head, 321 00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:05,590 the heart is hollow. 322 00:35:06,350 --> 00:35:12,970 Deep in December, it's nice to 323 00:35:12,970 --> 00:35:13,970 remember. 324 00:35:14,990 --> 00:35:21,410 The fire of September that made us 325 00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:27,850 mellow. Deep in December our 326 00:35:27,850 --> 00:35:32,550 hearts will remember and follow. 327 00:36:05,610 --> 00:36:06,610 How you do? How you do? 328 00:36:07,170 --> 00:36:09,910 Welcome to you, Mr. Charmin. Mr. 329 00:36:10,230 --> 00:36:12,430 Charmin, why did you first come to London? 330 00:36:12,750 --> 00:36:13,750 To pray. 331 00:36:14,330 --> 00:36:15,730 For guidance. 332 00:36:16,170 --> 00:36:18,230 For wisdom. 333 00:36:18,810 --> 00:36:19,870 No fruit. 334 00:36:21,130 --> 00:36:23,630 You came to London to pray for fruit. 335 00:36:24,510 --> 00:36:27,710 No pray for fruit. To pray fruit. 336 00:36:28,570 --> 00:36:31,290 To pray fruit in a orchestra. 337 00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:39,530 Oh, 338 00:36:40,250 --> 00:36:43,630 I see, yes. Now, your wife, she is English. 339 00:36:44,050 --> 00:36:45,750 Is she also in show business? 340 00:36:46,010 --> 00:36:52,970 Yeah, she is probably, not necessarily, but probably 341 00:36:52,970 --> 00:36:55,370 a most robbery girl in hawkshow business. 342 00:36:55,870 --> 00:36:57,810 She's a contortionist. No, she's a singer. 343 00:36:58,710 --> 00:37:00,530 She's got a robbery voice, though. 344 00:37:01,030 --> 00:37:02,850 She sings a robbery song. 345 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:05,440 She a rubbery lady. 346 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:07,680 A lovely lady. 347 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:08,919 Yes. 348 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:10,540 Right stupid idiot we got. 349 00:37:12,500 --> 00:37:13,500 Now, Mr. 350 00:37:17,140 --> 00:37:19,620 Charmin, how did you first come to meet your wife? 351 00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:21,940 Well, we both are very fond of Heath. 352 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:23,200 Edward. Hampstead. 353 00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:28,200 One Sunday night I was on Hampstead Heath. I was not lurking. You were not 354 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:29,200 lurking on the Heath. 355 00:37:29,380 --> 00:37:30,840 No, I was not lurking at a paradeo. 356 00:37:31,820 --> 00:37:35,720 You see, all the week I look at a peridium, but Sunday night I no look. 357 00:37:36,660 --> 00:37:37,660 Not work. 358 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:38,960 Yes. 359 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:41,000 He took a road at Codsworth. 360 00:37:43,140 --> 00:37:48,380 Well, I noticed that she is having trouble stealing. 361 00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:51,320 Stealing. No, no stealing. No, stealing. 362 00:37:51,780 --> 00:37:54,240 Stealing. You talk funny. 363 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:57,420 Stealing with a stealer. 364 00:38:15,310 --> 00:38:17,550 It was a dirty one. Oh, the bus wasn't clean. 365 00:38:17,790 --> 00:38:20,010 No, it was a clean bus, but it was a number dirty one. 366 00:38:22,430 --> 00:38:27,630 On the bus, she tell me she want to get into these pencil mines. 367 00:38:27,930 --> 00:38:28,930 Your trousers. 368 00:38:32,750 --> 00:38:33,750 What are trousers? 369 00:38:33,950 --> 00:38:35,550 What are you talking about? It's a done up, isn't it? 370 00:38:36,010 --> 00:38:41,750 It's not right. I see on your show here, you have a vicar with a friar. 371 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:47,440 and I like the writer. 372 00:38:47,780 --> 00:38:51,940 No, no, no. You, you, you misunderstood me. What? You were saying, Mr. Charmin, 373 00:38:51,980 --> 00:38:54,320 that your wife wanted to get into your trousers. 374 00:38:54,660 --> 00:38:56,080 No, stupid idiot. 375 00:38:56,840 --> 00:39:00,960 Look, she want to get into a pants of mine. Pants of mine? At a random 376 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:03,900 Look, they got to call us. 377 00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:07,300 They're going to call you. No call you. Call us. 378 00:39:07,860 --> 00:39:10,480 Look, why you talk? Why you no written? 379 00:39:11,420 --> 00:39:17,240 Look, she in a call us in a pants of mine. I had to run a parade of them. I 380 00:39:17,240 --> 00:39:18,240 an orchestra played through. 381 00:39:18,380 --> 00:39:19,460 You got it, cookie boy? 382 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:25,560 I do find it a little difficult. I mean, you're Confucius. 383 00:39:26,780 --> 00:39:33,600 I'm not Confucius. No, no, you're not Confucius. You're Confucius. You are 384 00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,080 the confusing me. 385 00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:37,800 I'm not confusing you. 386 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:39,680 You're confusing you. 387 00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:41,120 Stupid idiot. 388 00:39:42,670 --> 00:39:44,750 Oh, you took a road of coppers. 389 00:39:47,170 --> 00:39:52,810 Look, anyway, I cannot be wrong with her. I have to go see a dentist. 390 00:39:53,090 --> 00:39:54,029 A dentist. 391 00:39:54,030 --> 00:39:55,310 Tooth hurting. 392 00:39:55,610 --> 00:39:56,610 Nasty. 393 00:39:58,690 --> 00:39:59,690 What's nasty? 394 00:40:00,270 --> 00:40:02,150 Well, nasty when tooth hurting. 395 00:40:02,450 --> 00:40:04,030 No tooth hurting. 396 00:40:04,270 --> 00:40:05,670 Appointment for tooth hurting. 397 00:40:12,490 --> 00:40:15,190 Mr. Chapman, but everything you say sounds like L. 398 00:40:17,510 --> 00:40:20,490 You're not that personal with me, cookie boy. You got smack in the mouth. 399 00:40:21,450 --> 00:40:26,310 Do please let us know where we are. Probably the trouble is, it is the way 400 00:40:26,310 --> 00:40:27,310 you roll your ass. 401 00:40:42,350 --> 00:40:46,050 Sit here first when you come on. You know she may walk in. How do you know? 402 00:40:46,050 --> 00:40:51,370 you stupid idiot. I not want to talk with you. Listen, I was asked to come 403 00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:56,310 I was asked to come here by Avon Television. Uh, Thames. What? This is 404 00:40:56,310 --> 00:40:58,270 Television. So you make me a riot. 405 00:40:59,570 --> 00:41:01,570 Just because I got a long liver. 406 00:41:03,110 --> 00:41:07,850 It's not my fault. I don't have to look for you. I can go and look with Saru and 407 00:41:07,850 --> 00:41:08,850 Resmi Glade. 408 00:41:10,170 --> 00:41:12,370 We can do an interview with Lobin Day. 409 00:41:13,050 --> 00:41:14,330 Will Davy Hammertall. 410 00:41:15,130 --> 00:41:16,950 Joan Bratewell on a rape night rhino. 411 00:41:18,450 --> 00:41:20,910 Aaron Licker on a lick -a -lockabout. 412 00:41:26,230 --> 00:41:27,230 Crepe -a -mit -a -mo. 413 00:41:28,250 --> 00:41:30,270 Not to mention Davy Frost. 414 00:41:30,630 --> 00:41:31,589 David Frost. 415 00:41:31,590 --> 00:41:32,710 I said not to mention him! 416 00:41:38,110 --> 00:41:39,110 Mr. 417 00:41:39,570 --> 00:41:41,570 Charmin, when you could give us the denouement. 418 00:41:42,410 --> 00:41:43,410 What? 419 00:41:43,730 --> 00:41:45,470 The denouement, you know, it's French. 420 00:41:46,410 --> 00:41:47,970 Why you talk French? 421 00:41:48,650 --> 00:41:50,490 You no can speak English. 422 00:41:51,570 --> 00:41:56,070 If you could now tell us, why did you eventually get married? Well, we have a 423 00:41:56,070 --> 00:42:00,830 little argument before the wedding. She want a right lady. Yes. And she want a 424 00:42:00,830 --> 00:42:03,910 blasphemy and a flowers and an organ praying. 425 00:42:04,330 --> 00:42:06,550 And you? I want to cut a whole damn thing off. 426 00:42:07,730 --> 00:42:09,070 Then why did you get married? 427 00:42:09,290 --> 00:42:12,790 Because of her blubbers. She's got blubbers so big and so strong. One is an 428 00:42:12,790 --> 00:42:14,210 owing lessler. 429 00:42:14,470 --> 00:42:17,410 One is a crook. One is a clacksook with a lifeboat. 430 00:42:18,170 --> 00:42:21,750 One is a late rifter. A what? A late rifter. 431 00:42:22,210 --> 00:42:24,110 Rifting up the lates. Oh, yes. 432 00:42:24,730 --> 00:42:25,730 Get a lockjaw. 433 00:42:26,150 --> 00:42:28,650 But it would have all too big and strong. 434 00:42:28,910 --> 00:42:33,430 Mr. Chairman, are you telling me then that you got married because you were 435 00:42:33,430 --> 00:42:34,430 afraid? 436 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:39,020 Yeah, I forgot to tell you. My full name is Chicken Chow Min. 437 00:42:40,900 --> 00:42:42,040 What are you clapping? 438 00:42:42,300 --> 00:42:43,300 Everybody's clapping. 439 00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:49,740 I love you. I used 440 00:42:49,740 --> 00:43:00,800 to 441 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:01,800 envy Ted. 442 00:43:02,490 --> 00:43:06,250 Not just the things he said, but his attitude and his crabby little way. 443 00:43:06,790 --> 00:43:09,030 I mean, you might not think it, but I'm quite naive. 444 00:43:09,950 --> 00:43:14,450 But Teddy's, well, he's suave and he's cool and Sophie's thicketed and blazed. 445 00:43:15,250 --> 00:43:18,630 I mean, you take the other day when he took that Betsy May up that pasture land 446 00:43:18,630 --> 00:43:19,910 just past the gravel pit. 447 00:43:20,470 --> 00:43:22,250 He kicked a sleeping cow. 448 00:43:23,710 --> 00:43:28,150 Made it get up and walk away so that she'd have somewhere warm and droid to 449 00:43:32,230 --> 00:43:35,770 And he's alone there in that field, and she's just about to yield, and her dad 450 00:43:35,770 --> 00:43:37,410 turns up and starts to raise his voice. 451 00:43:37,670 --> 00:43:41,250 He says, is your intentions honourable or dishonourable, my man? And Ted says, 452 00:43:41,310 --> 00:43:42,390 what, you mean I gets a choice? 453 00:43:47,210 --> 00:43:51,370 A similar thing happens to me a week last Saturday. I end up with a swollen, 454 00:43:51,410 --> 00:43:52,410 bleeding lip. 455 00:43:52,590 --> 00:43:56,210 I was with her big brother Ray. He says, do you know my sister May? 456 00:43:56,570 --> 00:43:59,250 Like a tool for all, I says, no, but thank you for the tips. 457 00:44:06,090 --> 00:44:10,330 the old tool and in this field there's this cow and this bull and they was well 458 00:44:10,330 --> 00:44:15,250 you can see they was friendly anyhow it turns to her I says hey Pat I wouldn't 459 00:44:15,250 --> 00:44:18,130 have liked to do that she says well why not ask she looks a friendly cow 460 00:44:18,130 --> 00:44:25,230 whole 461 00:44:25,230 --> 00:44:31,030 tent in these here digs and the landlady treats them like pigs well you can't 462 00:44:31,030 --> 00:44:32,410 blame her because they ain't exactly elite 463 00:44:33,170 --> 00:44:36,050 One day she goes round the bend. She says, all right, pack your things. 464 00:44:36,050 --> 00:44:38,150 the end. Clear out. You ain't even having a bite to eat. 465 00:44:38,590 --> 00:44:40,130 Well, the others all goes, wait. 466 00:44:40,730 --> 00:44:42,230 But Teddy says, all right. 467 00:44:42,910 --> 00:44:45,690 I know there's plenty of land ladies could use some extra loving. 468 00:44:46,790 --> 00:44:50,430 I'll not be homeless long because I'm virile and I'm strong. 469 00:44:50,870 --> 00:44:53,010 She says, I'm not talking to you. Your dinner's in the oven. 470 00:45:03,340 --> 00:45:04,560 I had to go to loo. 471 00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:11,680 The train left from platform two. I guess the hotel tired, so I undressed. 472 00:45:12,020 --> 00:45:16,680 In walks the chambermaid real slow, with a dress that's cut so low, if I'd have 473 00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,080 stood on tippy -toe, I could have seen her a bit. 474 00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:24,560 She says, I've just come to say goodnight, and to see that you're all 475 00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:27,000 that bed, all warm and comfortable and white. 476 00:45:27,859 --> 00:45:30,960 Is there room for another in there? I looked up. I said, oh, yeah. She said, 477 00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:32,540 well, shut up. There's a commercial traveler outside. 478 00:45:37,260 --> 00:45:39,660 Oh, Ted meets this fancy piece in town. 479 00:45:39,860 --> 00:45:42,400 And Ted don't hang around. He's back inside her flat quick as a wink. 480 00:45:42,780 --> 00:45:46,100 She starts to pour him a gin. And then she says, now, you will tell me when. He 481 00:45:46,100 --> 00:45:47,880 says, right after I finish that little drink. 482 00:45:53,140 --> 00:45:55,500 He looks up. He says, all right. Well, he stays there. 483 00:45:55,790 --> 00:45:58,730 the night when he leaves, he says, I should be toddling off now, Sadie. 484 00:45:59,290 --> 00:46:02,870 She says, just a minute, honey, don't forget the money. He says, cool, I 485 00:46:02,870 --> 00:46:04,170 couldn't take money from a lady. 486 00:46:11,110 --> 00:46:14,670 I was telling him about Sally and that afternoon near Shelley. 487 00:46:15,030 --> 00:46:17,610 I tell you, that day I very nearly lost my heart. 488 00:46:18,810 --> 00:46:20,890 I says, I hope you like beer, I've got a courting. 489 00:46:21,580 --> 00:46:24,740 And I don't know much about courting, but come here and I'll feel your 490 00:46:24,740 --> 00:46:25,740 for a start. 491 00:46:28,520 --> 00:46:32,860 And she puts some sun oil in me hand, and she says, wouldn't it be grand if 492 00:46:32,860 --> 00:46:34,640 rubbed that on me to protect me from the sun? 493 00:46:35,140 --> 00:46:38,840 Teg says, well, was she all white and milky, and was her skin all smooth and 494 00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:40,780 silky? I says, I don't know, I had my mittens off. 495 00:46:45,740 --> 00:46:49,420 Oh, Teg gets back the other day. Six weeks he'd been away, staying with some 496 00:46:49,420 --> 00:46:50,420 woman up the West End. 497 00:46:51,100 --> 00:46:55,660 And a letter arrives from me implying explicitly a connection between me and 498 00:46:55,660 --> 00:46:56,660 newfound friend. 499 00:46:56,720 --> 00:46:58,680 I says, now, Ted, I want the truth. 500 00:46:59,220 --> 00:47:02,520 He says, well, she was a bit old in the tooth. 501 00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:05,480 And I suppose I should be ashamed of what I did. 502 00:47:06,260 --> 00:47:08,560 But I give her your name instead of mine. 503 00:47:09,300 --> 00:47:13,060 Is that all right? I says, fine. She just died and left me half a million 504 00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:15,840 So everybody wants a nice bag. 505 00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:18,740 For a little boy with a few croppers. 506 00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:25,360 I met 507 00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:35,460 you 508 00:47:35,460 --> 00:47:39,820 at Hothate Cantina. Oh, you look so lonesome and sad. 509 00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:45,400 So I said with a wink, let me buy you a drink. And then maybe things won't seem 510 00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:46,400 so bad. 511 00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:47,740 You ordered. 512 00:47:48,350 --> 00:47:52,150 A large champagne cocktail, then vodka, then wine from the room. 513 00:47:52,970 --> 00:47:58,410 And as I bought it, I suddenly thought, it's no wonder that you're on your own. 514 00:47:58,690 --> 00:48:04,110 But by then, I had fallen in love, but you laughed at the way that I felt. 515 00:48:04,590 --> 00:48:09,270 With your black cowboy boots and your cowgirl -type suit and your harmful long 516 00:48:09,270 --> 00:48:10,270 -chested tea belt. 517 00:48:10,550 --> 00:48:12,110 And I went with you. 518 00:48:12,430 --> 00:48:16,350 Across town to your place, my eagerness I could not hide. 519 00:48:16,730 --> 00:48:21,730 As you walked across the floor and you locked the front door, why did you leave 520 00:48:21,730 --> 00:48:22,730 me outside? 521 00:48:23,030 --> 00:48:28,450 I went through my uncle Hernando, saying my heart is filled with desire. 522 00:48:28,910 --> 00:48:33,770 But the lady says no, and all the waters will flow, till the mountains can put 523 00:48:33,770 --> 00:48:34,770 out the fire. 524 00:48:35,170 --> 00:48:40,850 He said, when a lady says no, she sometimes thinks, yes, you young 525 00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:46,440 I said, that may be so, but she didn't say no. She simply said, go and get 526 00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:51,980 knotted. So I came here, and I sang beneath your window from midnight till 527 00:48:52,080 --> 00:48:53,080 half past three. 528 00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:58,600 Oh, tell me, sweet lady, sweet lady, pray tell me, what was it you emptied on 529 00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:04,980 me? I came here, to old Barcelona, to think the sweet heart of my life. 530 00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:11,000 And I gave you my heart, but we drifted apart, so I'm going back to the white 531 00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:12,000 ole. 532 00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:18,860 Thank you for watching, gentlemen, and because there's always time for, but 533 00:49:18,860 --> 00:49:21,400 we'll see you again very, very soon. Till then, bye -bye. 534 00:49:23,500 --> 00:49:25,700 No, no, enough, enough, enough! 535 00:49:26,660 --> 00:49:27,660 Enough! 536 00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:29,440 Enough! 537 00:49:37,870 --> 00:49:39,270 Oh, 538 00:49:40,770 --> 00:49:46,010 my God. 41529

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