All language subtitles for Benny Hill s01e05 1970

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny
Hill Show.

And here is Benny Hill.

Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.

Surely nice to be with you once again. I
thought as it's a new series, we'd

start off with a song with a moral.

Now the train pulled out of Houston,
George got aboard all right. But when he

found the seat that he'd reserved, he
suddenly went white.

For there was a great big suitcase. It
was battered as could be.

Next to it was a hippie who was humming
happily.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

George said, look, I'm not unreasonable,
intolerant, or hard, but if you don't

move that suitcase, I'm going to fetch
the guard.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Die, die, die, die, die, die.

George said, look here, I reserve that
place as windows. It is mine.

If you don't move that suitcase, I'm
going to chuck it out on the line.

So George took up the suitcase and he
threw it out on the track.

He said, there you long -haired
layabout.

What are you going to say to that?

Die, die, die, die, die, die. It's not
my bloody case.

Thank you.

Thank you. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if
you could imagine the look on George's

face at that point, you would have what
is listed in the comedian's handbook as

look number seven. It's a mixture of
sadness and surprise.

And here are some classic examples of
that look.

George. Yes, dear.

If I die, if I die and you marry again,
promise me one thing. What's

that, love?

Promise me you won't let her wear my
clothes.

Of course not, darling.

They wouldn't fit Sandra anyway.

Oh, Roger, of course you're the first.

Why do you men always ask the same
question?

Oh, yes.

That's much more comfortable.

Oh, dear.

Darling, what... What happened?

Oh, it was so horrible. He just rushed
in. He's like a mad thing. I tried to

find him off. I tried, but he was so
strong. Darling, darling, darling. Who

it? Who did it? Your agent.

Your agent. My agent?

say anything about that parking
crossroads.

Good night, mother of six.

Good night, father of one.

crossing the equator now.

Oh, could I see it?

Certainly.

Here, I'll just hold it up like that.

Thank you.

Oh, I can see it. And look, there's a
camel walking across the equator.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome
from Spain, Los Zafiros!

¶¶

¶¶

I'll write your name on the sand. And
then everything will run.

So that no one will know your name.
Maria Isabel.

Take your hat and put it on.

Let's go to the beach where the sun
shines. Take your hat and put it on.

Let's go to the beach where the sun
shines.

La luna fue caminando

Tenías celos de tus ojos y tu forma de
mirar.

Coge tu sombrero y póntelo.

Vamos a la playa que alita el sol.

Coge tu sombrero y póntelo.

Vamos a la playa que alita el sol.

Bom -bom -bom!

You see, if they don't use them against
you... Bula, bula.

We will have a clause in the contract
that says they mustn't do it.

Bula, bula.

And if they do, Sir Alec Douglas, you
know who, will get on them and say,

naughty, naughty, naughty.

Bula, bula, bula, bula.

Yes, yes, yes, I don't know. So let's go
and have a look at those cattle of

yours, shall we, in the field over
there. Yes, Juana, we go.

But whatever you do, don't tread in
bula.

Ladies and gentlemen, you may remember
in the last series, we showed you some

those moments on television when things,
you know, go wrong. I would like to add

that this in no way reflects upon the
technicians here at Thames Television,

have at all times done their very, very
best and shown an efficiency which is

quite remarkable in the field of
performance.

Your bishop for how long?

For more years than I care to remember.

But you know, I always remember you used
to say to me, never forget, Reverend,

hard cash does not a soft heart make.

And you know, I never forgot that.

Thank you, Reverend Feltree.

Never found out what the silly old twit
meant.

This building, he pinched my bum.

God says I blame him.

As soon as we're off, I should pinch him
myself.

Cut the sound!

The sound!

Cut! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What's happening?

I didn't see anything wrong myself with
that, Liza.

What's the van load up to?

Have you got any steps?

Could you get the steps, John?

Jimmy Clithero.

I can't get it out. It's so good.

Stop the music.

Oh, I've never had this trouble before
on the BBC.

John, I thought you were going to pull
it. You didn't.

You didn't pull it.

I say,

why don't we stop in this evening and
gorge ourselves on these adorable

matchsticks? Matchsticks.

97 sticks of sheer delight.

As relaxed as the people who eat them.

I can't help it, sir.

But

soft.

My love is here. My goddess there doth
sit.

Oh, that sweet face.

Oh, those gentle arms in whose unfolding
I would die a thousand deaths.

Soft, she speaks.

I've got your bloody lines.

Just like the strain of haunting refrain

Gilded upon a marathon And run around
your

brain You can't forget

It's just you.

A pretty girl.

It's like a melody.

When I call you. And I'll tell you.

Just like a melody.

Just like a melody. Just like a melody.

Just like a melody.

This is my picture. I thought you might
like to see it. Hold it, George.

What?

Hello, and welcome again to Thames. And
now, time for news and views of the

entertainment scene from the man who is
becoming known as the Mr. Show Business

himself, Fred Scuttle.

Good evening, viewers.

Glad you could make the scene.

Hello, Mr. Skyhawk. Hello.

My goodness me, you certainly are
looking smart.

Trendy. And all this pop art.

Pop art where, sir?

All this, yes.

In keeping with Thames Television's new
image.

Our motto, sir, go gay with Thames.

We're all going gay, are we?

I think some of us have started already.

You see, sir, we are going to cater to
the young now, sir. We're becoming youth

-oriented, sir.

Does that mean we're going to have lots
of pop shows?

Festivals, sir. Festivals.

You've heard of Woodstock? Yes.

Newport Jazz Festival?

Yes. Monterey Pop?

Yes. Chipping Sodbury.

Chipping Sodbury?

Viewers will see for the first time a
three -day rock and roll, underground

jazz, psychedelic freakout.

From the Derby and Joan Club. And now,
Mr.

Scott, who is on the bill? Who isn't on
the bill, sir?

None other than the return of Henry All
and his over -sex debt,

followed by Britain's greatest
underground group, W

.C. Handy and the Chain Gang,

Who's that?

I forget.

And to round off the entertainment, sir,
Victor Sylvester and the comb -dancing,

Topless Go -Go -Girl.

Topless, eh?

Well, let's hope there isn't a nip in
the air.

There will probably be several, sir.

Well, now, Mr. Scantle, who presents
some stages this extravaganza? None

than... Rather than Madame Emily Fudge,
sir. She is a maid from there. Oh,

really? Mind you, sir, I liaise with
her. Do you? Yes, at every opportunity.

She's big.

Well, tell me, how often does she hold
them for you?

Matron. I was asking about Matron. Yes,
sir. How often does she hold it?

It's funny you should ask that, sir.

Because the concert is held biannually.
Oh.

Once a week.

And I suppose we can expect the
customary scenes, then, of nude bathing.

I sincerely hope not, sir. No, no, sir,
no. I mean, you know, a lot of men

running around stark as it's...
Indecent.

I'm tidy, I would have said.

The thing is, it's not in keeping with
the Thames images. I see. I can

understand that. Well, may I put it
another way?

As far as I'm concerned, you can.

It's up to you, isn't it? I mean, I
mean, I mean to say, what do you have to

say? Are Thames executives against
attractive nude women?

Not as often as they'd like to be.

But my guess is, no, it wouldn't do,
would it? I mean, it would never be

I mean... If you had nudity on
television once, sir, the floodgates

open, sir. They'd all be up, sir. I
mean, you'd have nudes at ten.

You would.

Opportunity knockers.

Oh, Coronation Street.

That's a thought, isn't it?

And so think of those poor make -up
girls, sir. What about them? Well, on

like the Black and White Minstrels show.

Black and white... Black and white
Mitchell's shoulder.

Well, they'd have their handful,
wouldn't they?

All that lot, huh? Yes. No, I can't see
it, frankly, Miss Delphine.

No, no, I can understand that. Well,
now, I can see how you're catering for

young, but what have you in store for,
well, for instance, people in my age

group? Oh, we cater to the elderly as
well, sir.

We're going to give them a bit of
uplift.

Oh, culture.

As well, yes.

They're going to want the lots. They're
having Jean -Paul satire.

Yes. The famous existing sensualist.

The opera, Madame Buttonfly.

Sir,

they're going to have a repeat of
Waiting for Doggo by Albert Brecht.

Oh, yes. Yes, the theatre of the absurd.

Yes, yes.

Tell me, why was it categorised that
way?

I'm often wondering.

Can I put that one another way? What do
you mean? Well, I mean, why do they call

it absurd?

Well, sir, our budget was 15 ,000 quid,
sir, and eight people watched it.

You can tell me anything more absurd
than that. I'd like to hear it, sir.

Well, I think that's almost
uninteresting. Thank you, sir. We do our

Have you any documentaries for us, or
travel logs? Yeah, we have the best,

The Underwater World... Sorry, the
Underworld Water... I'll get it right if

kills me.

On Jack Custard, sir. I don't think I've
seen that one. Then you're in luck,

sir. Why? Is it as bad as all that? No,
no, we're just starting. We've got it

all there. I say, Brian, could you get
Philip to lace it up?

Not your corset, no.

The outcomes of the

cobalt sea, because so many interesting
specimens of marine life exist here,

like the carbel fish.

Unlike other fish, the carbel fish only
has one mating season per year.

This lasts for 12 months.

Unfortunately, there is no female of the
species.

The carbel is a very unhappy fish.

And the little viping, the smallest fish
known to man, yet every year it lays a

batch of eggs weighing four times its
own weight.

The viping is also a very unhappy fish.

But we had come here to find the forward
-walking crab.

As you doubtless know, unless you are a
great stupid idiot, crabs always walk

sideways. But a native girl assured us
she had seen a forward -walking crab.

a nervous little creature, and wore a
knife strapped to her thigh to protect

from the crew.

Totally unnecessary, of course.

They were more interested in the ocean,
and they couldn't wait to get to the

bottom.

We had already collected many
interesting specimens. We had a catfish,

called Kitty, a seahorse, which we
called Dobbin, and a little water otter.

which we called a kettle.

And if the girl was very impressed with
Han's collection of shellfish, here she

is admiring his muscles and his cockles.

He had collected them himself and was
justly proud of his great feet.

He was also responsible for catching our
dogfish and

our conger eel.

got along splendidly together.

Nothing ever

distracted them from their work.

in the Cobalt Sea are in danger of
becoming extinct.

We had hoped that these electric eels
wouldn't mate.

Unfortunately, he was AC and she was DC.

This female soul had spent five years in
the Cobalt Sea and never had contact

with a male soul.

Poor old soul.

We had hoped to do some breathing.

But alas, it was not to be.

Jean -Paul was anxious to get on with
the sale. He'd heard that cobalt sharks

were in the area, but we all knew that
sharks never attack human beings.

Unfortunately, the sharks didn't.

On our very last day, our luck was in.

Our native girl had found what we had
been looking for, the forward walking

crab.

After a considerable investigation, we
found out the reason for the phenomenon

of the forward walking crab.

There had recently been dumped in these
waters a quantity of contraband rum, and

the forward -walking crab was walking
forward instead of sideways because he

blind -stinking drunk.

The next item is in black and white.

Good evening.

Now, now, now, we here in this country
do have a color immigration problem.

I'm going to be frank about this,
because I believe in calling a spade a

Because,

you see, I mean, I quite like you blacky
cappies. I mean, you coon feathers.

I do, I do, I like you, I do. Oh, thank
you, dear boss.

But, you know, I think you're a real
nice fellow.

That's how it is. But, you know, I have
a gardener, and he's a blackie just like

you, you know, from Nigeria.

Trinidad, eh, boss?

I is from Trinidad. Yeah, well, out
there, you know. But I treat him just

an ordinary human being, you see,
because I believe that no matter what

man is, makes no difference to his
personality.

Because, you see, only the soul...

You know,

personally, I have nothing against you
chaps, but I wouldn't want my daughter

marry one of you chaps.

Well, your daughter couldn't stand the
pace on account of the reputation we got

for sexual perility.

Why, only the thing that we can do, I
think, quite honestly, is to show each

other a little tolerance, a little
understanding. and I say you'll all come

right in the end.

Would you care for a cup of tea?

Come on up.

That's quite nice.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am

delighted to be able to welcome to the
show Two's Company.

Try to remember the kind of September
when life

was slow and old so mellow.

Try to remember the kind of

September when grass was green and the
grain

was yellow.

Try to remember the kind of September

when he was a tender and

callous fellow.

Try to remember, and if you

remember, then follow.

Try to remember when life

was so tender.

And if you remember, then

follow. Follow, follow, follow, follow,
follow, follow, follow.

Date in December.

It's my stream.

The snow will follow.

Deep in December, it's nice to

remember. Without the head,

the heart is hollow.

Deep in December, it's nice to

remember.

The fire of September that made us

mellow. Deep in December our

hearts will remember and follow.

How you do? How you do?

Welcome to you, Mr. Charmin. Mr.

Charmin, why did you first come to
London?

To pray.

For guidance.

For wisdom.

No fruit.

You came to London to pray for fruit.

No pray for fruit. To pray fruit.

To pray fruit in a orchestra.

Oh,

I see, yes. Now, your wife, she is
English.

Is she also in show business?

Yeah, she is probably, not necessarily,
but probably

a most robbery girl in hawkshow
business.

She's a contortionist. No, she's a
singer.

She's got a robbery voice, though.

She sings a robbery song.

She a rubbery lady.

A lovely lady.

Yes.

Right stupid idiot we got.

Now, Mr.

Charmin, how did you first come to meet
your wife?

Well, we both are very fond of Heath.

Edward. Hampstead.

One Sunday night I was on Hampstead
Heath. I was not lurking. You were not

lurking on the Heath.

No, I was not lurking at a paradeo.

You see, all the week I look at a
peridium, but Sunday night I no look.

Not work.

Yes.

He took a road at Codsworth.

Well, I noticed that she is having
trouble stealing.

Stealing. No, no stealing. No, stealing.

Stealing. You talk funny.

Stealing with a stealer.

It was a dirty one. Oh, the bus wasn't
clean.

No, it was a clean bus, but it was a
number dirty one.

On the bus, she tell me she want to get
into these pencil mines.

Your trousers.

What are trousers?

What are you talking about? It's a done
up, isn't it?

It's not right. I see on your show here,
you have a vicar with a friar.

and I like the writer.

No, no, no. You, you, you misunderstood
me. What? You were saying, Mr. Charmin,

that your wife wanted to get into your
trousers.

No, stupid idiot.

Look, she want to get into a pants of
mine. Pants of mine? At a random

Look, they got to call us.

They're going to call you. No call you.
Call us.

Look, why you talk? Why you no written?

Look, she in a call us in a pants of
mine. I had to run a parade of them. I

an orchestra played through.

You got it, cookie boy?

I do find it a little difficult. I mean,
you're Confucius.

I'm not Confucius. No, no, you're not
Confucius. You're Confucius. You are

the confusing me.

I'm not confusing you.

You're confusing you.

Stupid idiot.

Oh, you took a road of coppers.

Look, anyway, I cannot be wrong with
her. I have to go see a dentist.

A dentist.

Tooth hurting.

Nasty.

What's nasty?

Well, nasty when tooth hurting.

No tooth hurting.

Appointment for tooth hurting.

Mr. Chapman, but everything you say
sounds like L.

You're not that personal with me, cookie
boy. You got smack in the mouth.

Do please let us know where we are.
Probably the trouble is, it is the way

you roll your ass.

Sit here first when you come on. You
know she may walk in. How do you know?

you stupid idiot. I not want to talk
with you. Listen, I was asked to come

I was asked to come here by Avon
Television. Uh, Thames. What? This is

Television. So you make me a riot.

Just because I got a long liver.

It's not my fault. I don't have to look
for you. I can go and look with Saru and

Resmi Glade.

We can do an interview with Lobin Day.

Will Davy Hammertall.

Joan Bratewell on a rape night rhino.

Aaron Licker on a lick -a -lockabout.

Crepe -a -mit -a -mo.

Not to mention Davy Frost.

David Frost.

I said not to mention him!

Mr.

Charmin, when you could give us the
denouement.

What?

The denouement, you know, it's French.

Why you talk French?

You no can speak English.

If you could now tell us, why did you
eventually get married? Well, we have a

little argument before the wedding. She
want a right lady. Yes. And she want a

blasphemy and a flowers and an organ
praying.

And you? I want to cut a whole damn
thing off.

Then why did you get married?

Because of her blubbers. She's got
blubbers so big and so strong. One is an

owing lessler.

One is a crook. One is a clacksook with
a lifeboat.

One is a late rifter. A what? A late
rifter.

Rifting up the lates. Oh, yes.

Get a lockjaw.

But it would have all too big and
strong.

Mr. Chairman, are you telling me then
that you got married because you were

afraid?

Yeah, I forgot to tell you. My full name
is Chicken Chow Min.

What are you clapping?

Everybody's clapping.

I love you. I used

to

envy Ted.

Not just the things he said, but his
attitude and his crabby little way.

I mean, you might not think it, but I'm
quite naive.

But Teddy's, well, he's suave and he's
cool and Sophie's thicketed and blazed.

I mean, you take the other day when he
took that Betsy May up that pasture land

just past the gravel pit.

He kicked a sleeping cow.

Made it get up and walk away so that
she'd have somewhere warm and droid to

And he's alone there in that field, and
she's just about to yield, and her dad

turns up and starts to raise his voice.

He says, is your intentions honourable
or dishonourable, my man? And Ted says,

what, you mean I gets a choice?

A similar thing happens to me a week
last Saturday. I end up with a swollen,

bleeding lip.

I was with her big brother Ray. He says,
do you know my sister May?

Like a tool for all, I says, no, but
thank you for the tips.

the old tool and in this field there's
this cow and this bull and they was well

you can see they was friendly anyhow it
turns to her I says hey Pat I wouldn't

have liked to do that she says well why
not ask she looks a friendly cow

whole

tent in these here digs and the landlady
treats them like pigs well you can't

blame her because they ain't exactly
elite

One day she goes round the bend. She
says, all right, pack your things.

the end. Clear out. You ain't even
having a bite to eat.

Well, the others all goes, wait.

But Teddy says, all right.

I know there's plenty of land ladies
could use some extra loving.

I'll not be homeless long because I'm
virile and I'm strong.

She says, I'm not talking to you. Your
dinner's in the oven.

I had to go to loo.

The train left from platform two. I
guess the hotel tired, so I undressed.

In walks the chambermaid real slow, with
a dress that's cut so low, if I'd have

stood on tippy -toe, I could have seen
her a bit.

She says, I've just come to say
goodnight, and to see that you're all

that bed, all warm and comfortable and
white.

Is there room for another in there? I
looked up. I said, oh, yeah. She said,

well, shut up. There's a commercial
traveler outside.

Oh, Ted meets this fancy piece in town.

And Ted don't hang around. He's back
inside her flat quick as a wink.

She starts to pour him a gin. And then
she says, now, you will tell me when. He

says, right after I finish that little
drink.

He looks up. He says, all right. Well,
he stays there.

the night when he leaves, he says, I
should be toddling off now, Sadie.

She says, just a minute, honey, don't
forget the money. He says, cool, I

couldn't take money from a lady.

I was telling him about Sally and that
afternoon near Shelley.

I tell you, that day I very nearly lost
my heart.

I says, I hope you like beer, I've got a
courting.

And I don't know much about courting,
but come here and I'll feel your

for a start.

And she puts some sun oil in me hand,
and she says, wouldn't it be grand if

rubbed that on me to protect me from the
sun?

Teg says, well, was she all white and
milky, and was her skin all smooth and

silky? I says, I don't know, I had my
mittens off.

Oh, Teg gets back the other day. Six
weeks he'd been away, staying with some

woman up the West End.

And a letter arrives from me implying
explicitly a connection between me and

newfound friend.

I says, now, Ted, I want the truth.

He says, well, she was a bit old in the
tooth.

And I suppose I should be ashamed of
what I did.

But I give her your name instead of
mine.

Is that all right? I says, fine. She
just died and left me half a million

So everybody wants a nice bag.

For a little boy with a few croppers.

I met

you

at Hothate Cantina. Oh, you look so
lonesome and sad.

So I said with a wink, let me buy you a
drink. And then maybe things won't seem

so bad.

You ordered.

A large champagne cocktail, then vodka,
then wine from the room.

And as I bought it, I suddenly thought,
it's no wonder that you're on your own.

But by then, I had fallen in love, but
you laughed at the way that I felt.

With your black cowboy boots and your
cowgirl -type suit and your harmful long

-chested tea belt.

And I went with you.

Across town to your place, my eagerness
I could not hide.

As you walked across the floor and you
locked the front door, why did you leave

me outside?

I went through my uncle Hernando, saying
my heart is filled with desire.

But the lady says no, and all the waters
will flow, till the mountains can put

out the fire.

He said, when a lady says no, she
sometimes thinks, yes, you young

I said, that may be so, but she didn't
say no. She simply said, go and get

knotted. So I came here, and I sang
beneath your window from midnight till

half past three.

Oh, tell me, sweet lady, sweet lady,
pray tell me, what was it you emptied on

me? I came here, to old Barcelona, to
think the sweet heart of my life.

And I gave you my heart, but we drifted
apart, so I'm going back to the white

ole.

Thank you for watching, gentlemen, and
because there's always time for, but

we'll see you again very, very soon.
Till then, bye -bye.

No, no, enough, enough, enough!

Enough!

Enough!

Oh,

my God.