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Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Benny
Hill Show.
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And here is Benny Hill.
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Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.
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Surely nice to be with you once again. I
thought as it's a new series, we'd
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start off with a song with a moral.
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Now the train pulled out of Houston,
George got aboard all right. But when he
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found the seat that he'd reserved, he
suddenly went white.
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For there was a great big suitcase. It
was battered as could be.
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Next to it was a hippie who was humming
happily.
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Die, die, die, die, die, die.
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Die, die, die, die, die, die.
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George said, look, I'm not unreasonable,
intolerant, or hard, but if you don't
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move that suitcase, I'm going to fetch
the guard.
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Die, die, die, die, die, die.
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Die, die, die, die, die, die.
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Die, die, die, die, die, die.
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George said, look here, I reserve that
place as windows. It is mine.
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If you don't move that suitcase, I'm
going to chuck it out on the line.
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So George took up the suitcase and he
threw it out on the track.
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He said, there you long -haired
layabout.
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What are you going to say to that?
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Die, die, die, die, die, die. It's not
my bloody case.
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Thank you.
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Thank you. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if
you could imagine the look on George's
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face at that point, you would have what
is listed in the comedian's handbook as
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look number seven. It's a mixture of
sadness and surprise.
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And here are some classic examples of
that look.
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George. Yes, dear.
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If I die, if I die and you marry again,
promise me one thing. What's
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that, love?
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Promise me you won't let her wear my
clothes.
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Of course not, darling.
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They wouldn't fit Sandra anyway.
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Oh, Roger, of course you're the first.
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Why do you men always ask the same
question?
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Oh, yes.
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That's much more comfortable.
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Oh, dear.
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Darling, what... What happened?
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Oh, it was so horrible. He just rushed
in. He's like a mad thing. I tried to
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find him off. I tried, but he was so
strong. Darling, darling, darling. Who
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it? Who did it? Your agent.
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Your agent. My agent?
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say anything about that parking
crossroads.
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Good night, mother of six.
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Good night, father of one.
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crossing the equator now.
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Oh, could I see it?
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Certainly.
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Here, I'll just hold it up like that.
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Thank you.
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Oh, I can see it. And look, there's a
camel walking across the equator.
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Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome
from Spain, Los Zafiros!
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¶¶
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¶¶
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I'll write your name on the sand. And
then everything will run.
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So that no one will know your name.
Maria Isabel.
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Take your hat and put it on.
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Let's go to the beach where the sun
shines. Take your hat and put it on.
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Let's go to the beach where the sun
shines.
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La luna fue caminando
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Tenías celos de tus ojos y tu forma de
mirar.
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Coge tu sombrero y póntelo.
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Vamos a la playa que alita el sol.
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Coge tu sombrero y póntelo.
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Vamos a la playa que alita el sol.
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Bom -bom -bom!
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You see, if they don't use them against
you... Bula, bula.
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We will have a clause in the contract
that says they mustn't do it.
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Bula, bula.
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And if they do, Sir Alec Douglas, you
know who, will get on them and say,
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naughty, naughty, naughty.
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Bula, bula, bula, bula.
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Yes, yes, yes, I don't know. So let's go
and have a look at those cattle of
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yours, shall we, in the field over
there. Yes, Juana, we go.
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But whatever you do, don't tread in
bula.
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Ladies and gentlemen, you may remember
in the last series, we showed you some
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those moments on television when things,
you know, go wrong. I would like to add
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that this in no way reflects upon the
technicians here at Thames Television,
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have at all times done their very, very
best and shown an efficiency which is
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quite remarkable in the field of
performance.
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Your bishop for how long?
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For more years than I care to remember.
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But you know, I always remember you used
to say to me, never forget, Reverend,
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hard cash does not a soft heart make.
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And you know, I never forgot that.
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Thank you, Reverend Feltree.
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Never found out what the silly old twit
meant.
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This building, he pinched my bum.
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God says I blame him.
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As soon as we're off, I should pinch him
myself.
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Cut the sound!
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The sound!
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Cut! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
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What's happening?
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I didn't see anything wrong myself with
that, Liza.
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What's the van load up to?
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00:15:47,290 --> 00:15:49,990
Have you got any steps?
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Could you get the steps, John?
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Jimmy Clithero.
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I can't get it out. It's so good.
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00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:14,890
Stop the music.
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00:16:15,770 --> 00:16:20,710
Oh, I've never had this trouble before
on the BBC.
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00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:09,440
John, I thought you were going to pull
it. You didn't.
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You didn't pull it.
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I say,
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why don't we stop in this evening and
gorge ourselves on these adorable
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matchsticks? Matchsticks.
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97 sticks of sheer delight.
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As relaxed as the people who eat them.
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I can't help it, sir.
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But
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soft.
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My love is here. My goddess there doth
sit.
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Oh, that sweet face.
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Oh, those gentle arms in whose unfolding
I would die a thousand deaths.
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Soft, she speaks.
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I've got your bloody lines.
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00:18:47,690 --> 00:18:53,510
Just like the strain of haunting refrain
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Gilded upon a marathon And run around
your
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brain You can't forget
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It's just you.
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A pretty girl.
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It's like a melody.
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When I call you. And I'll tell you.
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Just like a melody.
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Just like a melody. Just like a melody.
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Just like a melody.
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00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,900
This is my picture. I thought you might
like to see it. Hold it, George.
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What?
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00:20:06,380 --> 00:20:12,140
Hello, and welcome again to Thames. And
now, time for news and views of the
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entertainment scene from the man who is
becoming known as the Mr. Show Business
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himself, Fred Scuttle.
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Good evening, viewers.
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00:20:20,100 --> 00:20:21,780
Glad you could make the scene.
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00:20:22,910 --> 00:20:24,530
Hello, Mr. Skyhawk. Hello.
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00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:27,490
My goodness me, you certainly are
looking smart.
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00:20:27,950 --> 00:20:31,050
Trendy. And all this pop art.
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00:20:31,310 --> 00:20:32,530
Pop art where, sir?
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All this, yes.
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In keeping with Thames Television's new
image.
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Our motto, sir, go gay with Thames.
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We're all going gay, are we?
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00:20:47,630 --> 00:20:49,630
I think some of us have started already.
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You see, sir, we are going to cater to
the young now, sir. We're becoming youth
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-oriented, sir.
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00:20:56,780 --> 00:20:58,900
Does that mean we're going to have lots
of pop shows?
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00:20:59,620 --> 00:21:00,900
Festivals, sir. Festivals.
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00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:03,400
You've heard of Woodstock? Yes.
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00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,060
Newport Jazz Festival?
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00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,500
Yes. Monterey Pop?
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00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,440
Yes. Chipping Sodbury.
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00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:12,300
Chipping Sodbury?
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00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:18,060
Viewers will see for the first time a
three -day rock and roll, underground
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00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:20,500
jazz, psychedelic freakout.
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00:21:21,050 --> 00:21:24,050
From the Derby and Joan Club. And now,
Mr.
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Scott, who is on the bill? Who isn't on
the bill, sir?
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00:21:29,690 --> 00:21:36,190
None other than the return of Henry All
and his over -sex debt,
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followed by Britain's greatest
underground group, W
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.C. Handy and the Chain Gang,
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Who's that?
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I forget.
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00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:04,080
And to round off the entertainment, sir,
Victor Sylvester and the comb -dancing,
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Topless Go -Go -Girl.
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Topless, eh?
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00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,200
Well, let's hope there isn't a nip in
the air.
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There will probably be several, sir.
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00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:24,400
Well, now, Mr. Scantle, who presents
some stages this extravaganza? None
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than... Rather than Madame Emily Fudge,
sir. She is a maid from there. Oh,
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really? Mind you, sir, I liaise with
her. Do you? Yes, at every opportunity.
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She's big.
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Well, tell me, how often does she hold
them for you?
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Matron. I was asking about Matron. Yes,
sir. How often does she hold it?
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It's funny you should ask that, sir.
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Because the concert is held biannually.
Oh.
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Once a week.
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And I suppose we can expect the
customary scenes, then, of nude bathing.
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I sincerely hope not, sir. No, no, sir,
no. I mean, you know, a lot of men
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running around stark as it's...
Indecent.
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I'm tidy, I would have said.
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00:23:27,850 --> 00:23:32,870
The thing is, it's not in keeping with
the Thames images. I see. I can
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00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:34,890
understand that. Well, may I put it
another way?
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As far as I'm concerned, you can.
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00:23:38,270 --> 00:23:42,950
It's up to you, isn't it? I mean, I
mean, I mean to say, what do you have to
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00:23:42,950 --> 00:23:45,930
say? Are Thames executives against
attractive nude women?
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00:23:46,230 --> 00:23:47,710
Not as often as they'd like to be.
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00:23:49,710 --> 00:23:53,850
But my guess is, no, it wouldn't do,
would it? I mean, it would never be
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I mean... If you had nudity on
television once, sir, the floodgates
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00:23:57,690 --> 00:24:01,570
open, sir. They'd all be up, sir. I
mean, you'd have nudes at ten.
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00:24:02,610 --> 00:24:04,210
You would.
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00:24:05,450 --> 00:24:06,450
Opportunity knockers.
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00:24:11,230 --> 00:24:12,850
Oh, Coronation Street.
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That's a thought, isn't it?
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00:24:15,310 --> 00:24:21,170
And so think of those poor make -up
girls, sir. What about them? Well, on
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00:24:21,170 --> 00:24:23,030
like the Black and White Minstrels show.
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00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:26,920
Black and white... Black and white
Mitchell's shoulder.
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00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:29,860
Well, they'd have their handful,
wouldn't they?
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00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:35,180
All that lot, huh? Yes. No, I can't see
it, frankly, Miss Delphine.
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00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:38,020
No, no, I can understand that. Well,
now, I can see how you're catering for
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00:24:38,020 --> 00:24:41,260
young, but what have you in store for,
well, for instance, people in my age
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00:24:41,260 --> 00:24:43,540
group? Oh, we cater to the elderly as
well, sir.
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00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:46,540
We're going to give them a bit of
uplift.
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00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:48,040
Oh, culture.
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00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:49,300
As well, yes.
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00:24:50,100 --> 00:24:52,920
They're going to want the lots. They're
having Jean -Paul satire.
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00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,580
Yes. The famous existing sensualist.
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00:24:57,180 --> 00:24:59,540
The opera, Madame Buttonfly.
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00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:03,640
Sir,
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they're going to have a repeat of
Waiting for Doggo by Albert Brecht.
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00:25:10,820 --> 00:25:13,040
Oh, yes. Yes, the theatre of the absurd.
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00:25:13,380 --> 00:25:14,500
Yes, yes.
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00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:17,520
Tell me, why was it categorised that
way?
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00:25:17,860 --> 00:25:18,960
I'm often wondering.
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00:25:20,460 --> 00:25:23,920
Can I put that one another way? What do
you mean? Well, I mean, why do they call
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00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:24,920
it absurd?
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00:25:25,020 --> 00:25:28,580
Well, sir, our budget was 15 ,000 quid,
sir, and eight people watched it.
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00:25:28,780 --> 00:25:31,540
You can tell me anything more absurd
than that. I'd like to hear it, sir.
218
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,220
Well, I think that's almost
uninteresting. Thank you, sir. We do our
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00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:40,940
Have you any documentaries for us, or
travel logs? Yeah, we have the best,
220
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:46,420
The Underwater World... Sorry, the
Underworld Water... I'll get it right if
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00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:47,419
kills me.
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00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:50,930
On Jack Custard, sir. I don't think I've
seen that one. Then you're in luck,
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00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:53,890
sir. Why? Is it as bad as all that? No,
no, we're just starting. We've got it
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00:25:53,890 --> 00:25:56,930
all there. I say, Brian, could you get
Philip to lace it up?
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00:25:57,230 --> 00:25:58,450
Not your corset, no.
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00:25:59,310 --> 00:26:05,890
The outcomes of the
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cobalt sea, because so many interesting
specimens of marine life exist here,
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00:26:10,490 --> 00:26:11,890
like the carbel fish.
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00:26:12,610 --> 00:26:17,710
Unlike other fish, the carbel fish only
has one mating season per year.
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00:26:18,830 --> 00:26:20,570
This lasts for 12 months.
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00:26:22,050 --> 00:26:24,830
Unfortunately, there is no female of the
species.
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The carbel is a very unhappy fish.
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00:26:29,310 --> 00:26:33,370
And the little viping, the smallest fish
known to man, yet every year it lays a
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00:26:33,370 --> 00:26:35,450
batch of eggs weighing four times its
own weight.
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00:26:36,150 --> 00:26:38,930
The viping is also a very unhappy fish.
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00:26:40,630 --> 00:26:43,790
But we had come here to find the forward
-walking crab.
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00:26:44,570 --> 00:26:49,730
As you doubtless know, unless you are a
great stupid idiot, crabs always walk
238
00:26:49,730 --> 00:26:54,030
sideways. But a native girl assured us
she had seen a forward -walking crab.
239
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:14,720
a nervous little creature, and wore a
knife strapped to her thigh to protect
240
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:15,720
from the crew.
241
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:17,680
Totally unnecessary, of course.
242
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:24,580
They were more interested in the ocean,
and they couldn't wait to get to the
243
00:27:24,580 --> 00:27:25,580
bottom.
244
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:33,380
We had already collected many
interesting specimens. We had a catfish,
245
00:27:33,380 --> 00:27:39,820
called Kitty, a seahorse, which we
called Dobbin, and a little water otter.
246
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:41,360
which we called a kettle.
247
00:27:43,140 --> 00:27:47,240
And if the girl was very impressed with
Han's collection of shellfish, here she
248
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:50,980
is admiring his muscles and his cockles.
249
00:27:53,340 --> 00:27:57,620
He had collected them himself and was
justly proud of his great feet.
250
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:03,620
He was also responsible for catching our
dogfish and
251
00:28:03,620 --> 00:28:07,620
our conger eel.
252
00:28:24,750 --> 00:28:26,410
got along splendidly together.
253
00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:38,370
Nothing ever
254
00:28:38,370 --> 00:28:40,090
distracted them from their work.
255
00:28:52,670 --> 00:28:54,850
in the Cobalt Sea are in danger of
becoming extinct.
256
00:28:55,290 --> 00:28:57,870
We had hoped that these electric eels
wouldn't mate.
257
00:29:02,010 --> 00:29:05,290
Unfortunately, he was AC and she was DC.
258
00:29:05,910 --> 00:29:10,130
This female soul had spent five years in
the Cobalt Sea and never had contact
259
00:29:10,130 --> 00:29:11,130
with a male soul.
260
00:29:11,790 --> 00:29:12,870
Poor old soul.
261
00:29:14,650 --> 00:29:16,610
We had hoped to do some breathing.
262
00:29:19,730 --> 00:29:21,990
But alas, it was not to be.
263
00:29:22,630 --> 00:29:26,650
Jean -Paul was anxious to get on with
the sale. He'd heard that cobalt sharks
264
00:29:26,650 --> 00:29:30,510
were in the area, but we all knew that
sharks never attack human beings.
265
00:29:31,550 --> 00:29:33,430
Unfortunately, the sharks didn't.
266
00:29:35,910 --> 00:29:38,810
On our very last day, our luck was in.
267
00:29:39,510 --> 00:29:43,350
Our native girl had found what we had
been looking for, the forward walking
268
00:29:43,350 --> 00:29:44,350
crab.
269
00:29:44,530 --> 00:29:48,350
After a considerable investigation, we
found out the reason for the phenomenon
270
00:29:48,350 --> 00:29:49,710
of the forward walking crab.
271
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:54,460
There had recently been dumped in these
waters a quantity of contraband rum, and
272
00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:58,440
the forward -walking crab was walking
forward instead of sideways because he
273
00:29:58,440 --> 00:29:59,620
blind -stinking drunk.
274
00:30:32,010 --> 00:30:34,250
The next item is in black and white.
275
00:30:40,470 --> 00:30:41,470
Good evening.
276
00:30:41,850 --> 00:30:46,350
Now, now, now, we here in this country
do have a color immigration problem.
277
00:30:46,830 --> 00:30:50,790
I'm going to be frank about this,
because I believe in calling a spade a
278
00:30:54,110 --> 00:30:55,110
Because,
279
00:30:55,350 --> 00:30:58,270
you see, I mean, I quite like you blacky
cappies. I mean, you coon feathers.
280
00:30:58,550 --> 00:31:01,130
I do, I do, I like you, I do. Oh, thank
you, dear boss.
281
00:31:01,550 --> 00:31:03,930
But, you know, I think you're a real
nice fellow.
282
00:31:04,430 --> 00:31:09,050
That's how it is. But, you know, I have
a gardener, and he's a blackie just like
283
00:31:09,050 --> 00:31:10,370
you, you know, from Nigeria.
284
00:31:10,890 --> 00:31:11,950
Trinidad, eh, boss?
285
00:31:12,270 --> 00:31:16,830
I is from Trinidad. Yeah, well, out
there, you know. But I treat him just
286
00:31:16,830 --> 00:31:21,890
an ordinary human being, you see,
because I believe that no matter what
287
00:31:21,890 --> 00:31:24,670
man is, makes no difference to his
personality.
288
00:31:25,230 --> 00:31:27,270
Because, you see, only the soul...
289
00:31:34,530 --> 00:31:35,530
You know,
290
00:31:36,330 --> 00:31:41,430
personally, I have nothing against you
chaps, but I wouldn't want my daughter
291
00:31:41,430 --> 00:31:42,530
marry one of you chaps.
292
00:31:42,770 --> 00:31:47,710
Well, your daughter couldn't stand the
pace on account of the reputation we got
293
00:31:47,710 --> 00:31:49,410
for sexual perility.
294
00:31:50,650 --> 00:31:56,110
Why, only the thing that we can do, I
think, quite honestly, is to show each
295
00:31:56,110 --> 00:31:59,610
other a little tolerance, a little
understanding. and I say you'll all come
296
00:31:59,610 --> 00:32:00,610
right in the end.
297
00:32:01,010 --> 00:32:02,290
Would you care for a cup of tea?
298
00:32:03,070 --> 00:32:03,889
Come on up.
299
00:32:03,890 --> 00:32:04,869
That's quite nice.
300
00:32:04,870 --> 00:32:11,630
Ladies and gentlemen, I am
301
00:32:11,630 --> 00:32:14,450
delighted to be able to welcome to the
show Two's Company.
302
00:32:26,410 --> 00:32:33,190
Try to remember the kind of September
when life
303
00:32:33,190 --> 00:32:39,350
was slow and old so mellow.
304
00:32:39,470 --> 00:32:46,150
Try to remember the kind of
305
00:32:46,150 --> 00:32:52,950
September when grass was green and the
grain
306
00:32:52,950 --> 00:32:55,050
was yellow.
307
00:32:56,270 --> 00:33:02,790
Try to remember the kind of September
308
00:33:02,790 --> 00:33:08,570
when he was a tender and
309
00:33:08,570 --> 00:33:11,130
callous fellow.
310
00:33:11,550 --> 00:33:18,550
Try to remember, and if you
311
00:33:18,550 --> 00:33:21,450
remember, then follow.
312
00:33:43,909 --> 00:33:49,750
Try to remember when life
313
00:33:49,750 --> 00:33:51,930
was so tender.
314
00:34:19,729 --> 00:34:26,150
And if you remember, then
315
00:34:26,150 --> 00:34:32,350
follow. Follow, follow, follow, follow,
follow, follow, follow.
316
00:34:33,429 --> 00:34:36,949
Date in December.
317
00:34:37,469 --> 00:34:40,389
It's my stream.
318
00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:49,350
The snow will follow.
319
00:34:49,810 --> 00:34:56,710
Deep in December, it's nice to
320
00:34:56,710 --> 00:35:01,530
remember. Without the head,
321
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:05,590
the heart is hollow.
322
00:35:06,350 --> 00:35:12,970
Deep in December, it's nice to
323
00:35:12,970 --> 00:35:13,970
remember.
324
00:35:14,990 --> 00:35:21,410
The fire of September that made us
325
00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:27,850
mellow. Deep in December our
326
00:35:27,850 --> 00:35:32,550
hearts will remember and follow.
327
00:36:05,610 --> 00:36:06,610
How you do? How you do?
328
00:36:07,170 --> 00:36:09,910
Welcome to you, Mr. Charmin. Mr.
329
00:36:10,230 --> 00:36:12,430
Charmin, why did you first come to
London?
330
00:36:12,750 --> 00:36:13,750
To pray.
331
00:36:14,330 --> 00:36:15,730
For guidance.
332
00:36:16,170 --> 00:36:18,230
For wisdom.
333
00:36:18,810 --> 00:36:19,870
No fruit.
334
00:36:21,130 --> 00:36:23,630
You came to London to pray for fruit.
335
00:36:24,510 --> 00:36:27,710
No pray for fruit. To pray fruit.
336
00:36:28,570 --> 00:36:31,290
To pray fruit in a orchestra.
337
00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:39,530
Oh,
338
00:36:40,250 --> 00:36:43,630
I see, yes. Now, your wife, she is
English.
339
00:36:44,050 --> 00:36:45,750
Is she also in show business?
340
00:36:46,010 --> 00:36:52,970
Yeah, she is probably, not necessarily,
but probably
341
00:36:52,970 --> 00:36:55,370
a most robbery girl in hawkshow
business.
342
00:36:55,870 --> 00:36:57,810
She's a contortionist. No, she's a
singer.
343
00:36:58,710 --> 00:37:00,530
She's got a robbery voice, though.
344
00:37:01,030 --> 00:37:02,850
She sings a robbery song.
345
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:05,440
She a rubbery lady.
346
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:07,680
A lovely lady.
347
00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:08,919
Yes.
348
00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:10,540
Right stupid idiot we got.
349
00:37:12,500 --> 00:37:13,500
Now, Mr.
350
00:37:17,140 --> 00:37:19,620
Charmin, how did you first come to meet
your wife?
351
00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:21,940
Well, we both are very fond of Heath.
352
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:23,200
Edward. Hampstead.
353
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:28,200
One Sunday night I was on Hampstead
Heath. I was not lurking. You were not
354
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:29,200
lurking on the Heath.
355
00:37:29,380 --> 00:37:30,840
No, I was not lurking at a paradeo.
356
00:37:31,820 --> 00:37:35,720
You see, all the week I look at a
peridium, but Sunday night I no look.
357
00:37:36,660 --> 00:37:37,660
Not work.
358
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:38,960
Yes.
359
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:41,000
He took a road at Codsworth.
360
00:37:43,140 --> 00:37:48,380
Well, I noticed that she is having
trouble stealing.
361
00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:51,320
Stealing. No, no stealing. No, stealing.
362
00:37:51,780 --> 00:37:54,240
Stealing. You talk funny.
363
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:57,420
Stealing with a stealer.
364
00:38:15,310 --> 00:38:17,550
It was a dirty one. Oh, the bus wasn't
clean.
365
00:38:17,790 --> 00:38:20,010
No, it was a clean bus, but it was a
number dirty one.
366
00:38:22,430 --> 00:38:27,630
On the bus, she tell me she want to get
into these pencil mines.
367
00:38:27,930 --> 00:38:28,930
Your trousers.
368
00:38:32,750 --> 00:38:33,750
What are trousers?
369
00:38:33,950 --> 00:38:35,550
What are you talking about? It's a done
up, isn't it?
370
00:38:36,010 --> 00:38:41,750
It's not right. I see on your show here,
you have a vicar with a friar.
371
00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:47,440
and I like the writer.
372
00:38:47,780 --> 00:38:51,940
No, no, no. You, you, you misunderstood
me. What? You were saying, Mr. Charmin,
373
00:38:51,980 --> 00:38:54,320
that your wife wanted to get into your
trousers.
374
00:38:54,660 --> 00:38:56,080
No, stupid idiot.
375
00:38:56,840 --> 00:39:00,960
Look, she want to get into a pants of
mine. Pants of mine? At a random
376
00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:03,900
Look, they got to call us.
377
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:07,300
They're going to call you. No call you.
Call us.
378
00:39:07,860 --> 00:39:10,480
Look, why you talk? Why you no written?
379
00:39:11,420 --> 00:39:17,240
Look, she in a call us in a pants of
mine. I had to run a parade of them. I
380
00:39:17,240 --> 00:39:18,240
an orchestra played through.
381
00:39:18,380 --> 00:39:19,460
You got it, cookie boy?
382
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:25,560
I do find it a little difficult. I mean,
you're Confucius.
383
00:39:26,780 --> 00:39:33,600
I'm not Confucius. No, no, you're not
Confucius. You're Confucius. You are
384
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,080
the confusing me.
385
00:39:36,140 --> 00:39:37,800
I'm not confusing you.
386
00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:39,680
You're confusing you.
387
00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:41,120
Stupid idiot.
388
00:39:42,670 --> 00:39:44,750
Oh, you took a road of coppers.
389
00:39:47,170 --> 00:39:52,810
Look, anyway, I cannot be wrong with
her. I have to go see a dentist.
390
00:39:53,090 --> 00:39:54,029
A dentist.
391
00:39:54,030 --> 00:39:55,310
Tooth hurting.
392
00:39:55,610 --> 00:39:56,610
Nasty.
393
00:39:58,690 --> 00:39:59,690
What's nasty?
394
00:40:00,270 --> 00:40:02,150
Well, nasty when tooth hurting.
395
00:40:02,450 --> 00:40:04,030
No tooth hurting.
396
00:40:04,270 --> 00:40:05,670
Appointment for tooth hurting.
397
00:40:12,490 --> 00:40:15,190
Mr. Chapman, but everything you say
sounds like L.
398
00:40:17,510 --> 00:40:20,490
You're not that personal with me, cookie
boy. You got smack in the mouth.
399
00:40:21,450 --> 00:40:26,310
Do please let us know where we are.
Probably the trouble is, it is the way
400
00:40:26,310 --> 00:40:27,310
you roll your ass.
401
00:40:42,350 --> 00:40:46,050
Sit here first when you come on. You
know she may walk in. How do you know?
402
00:40:46,050 --> 00:40:51,370
you stupid idiot. I not want to talk
with you. Listen, I was asked to come
403
00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:56,310
I was asked to come here by Avon
Television. Uh, Thames. What? This is
404
00:40:56,310 --> 00:40:58,270
Television. So you make me a riot.
405
00:40:59,570 --> 00:41:01,570
Just because I got a long liver.
406
00:41:03,110 --> 00:41:07,850
It's not my fault. I don't have to look
for you. I can go and look with Saru and
407
00:41:07,850 --> 00:41:08,850
Resmi Glade.
408
00:41:10,170 --> 00:41:12,370
We can do an interview with Lobin Day.
409
00:41:13,050 --> 00:41:14,330
Will Davy Hammertall.
410
00:41:15,130 --> 00:41:16,950
Joan Bratewell on a rape night rhino.
411
00:41:18,450 --> 00:41:20,910
Aaron Licker on a lick -a -lockabout.
412
00:41:26,230 --> 00:41:27,230
Crepe -a -mit -a -mo.
413
00:41:28,250 --> 00:41:30,270
Not to mention Davy Frost.
414
00:41:30,630 --> 00:41:31,589
David Frost.
415
00:41:31,590 --> 00:41:32,710
I said not to mention him!
416
00:41:38,110 --> 00:41:39,110
Mr.
417
00:41:39,570 --> 00:41:41,570
Charmin, when you could give us the
denouement.
418
00:41:42,410 --> 00:41:43,410
What?
419
00:41:43,730 --> 00:41:45,470
The denouement, you know, it's French.
420
00:41:46,410 --> 00:41:47,970
Why you talk French?
421
00:41:48,650 --> 00:41:50,490
You no can speak English.
422
00:41:51,570 --> 00:41:56,070
If you could now tell us, why did you
eventually get married? Well, we have a
423
00:41:56,070 --> 00:42:00,830
little argument before the wedding. She
want a right lady. Yes. And she want a
424
00:42:00,830 --> 00:42:03,910
blasphemy and a flowers and an organ
praying.
425
00:42:04,330 --> 00:42:06,550
And you? I want to cut a whole damn
thing off.
426
00:42:07,730 --> 00:42:09,070
Then why did you get married?
427
00:42:09,290 --> 00:42:12,790
Because of her blubbers. She's got
blubbers so big and so strong. One is an
428
00:42:12,790 --> 00:42:14,210
owing lessler.
429
00:42:14,470 --> 00:42:17,410
One is a crook. One is a clacksook with
a lifeboat.
430
00:42:18,170 --> 00:42:21,750
One is a late rifter. A what? A late
rifter.
431
00:42:22,210 --> 00:42:24,110
Rifting up the lates. Oh, yes.
432
00:42:24,730 --> 00:42:25,730
Get a lockjaw.
433
00:42:26,150 --> 00:42:28,650
But it would have all too big and
strong.
434
00:42:28,910 --> 00:42:33,430
Mr. Chairman, are you telling me then
that you got married because you were
435
00:42:33,430 --> 00:42:34,430
afraid?
436
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:39,020
Yeah, I forgot to tell you. My full name
is Chicken Chow Min.
437
00:42:40,900 --> 00:42:42,040
What are you clapping?
438
00:42:42,300 --> 00:42:43,300
Everybody's clapping.
439
00:42:43,360 --> 00:42:49,740
I love you. I used
440
00:42:49,740 --> 00:43:00,800
to
441
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:01,800
envy Ted.
442
00:43:02,490 --> 00:43:06,250
Not just the things he said, but his
attitude and his crabby little way.
443
00:43:06,790 --> 00:43:09,030
I mean, you might not think it, but I'm
quite naive.
444
00:43:09,950 --> 00:43:14,450
But Teddy's, well, he's suave and he's
cool and Sophie's thicketed and blazed.
445
00:43:15,250 --> 00:43:18,630
I mean, you take the other day when he
took that Betsy May up that pasture land
446
00:43:18,630 --> 00:43:19,910
just past the gravel pit.
447
00:43:20,470 --> 00:43:22,250
He kicked a sleeping cow.
448
00:43:23,710 --> 00:43:28,150
Made it get up and walk away so that
she'd have somewhere warm and droid to
449
00:43:32,230 --> 00:43:35,770
And he's alone there in that field, and
she's just about to yield, and her dad
450
00:43:35,770 --> 00:43:37,410
turns up and starts to raise his voice.
451
00:43:37,670 --> 00:43:41,250
He says, is your intentions honourable
or dishonourable, my man? And Ted says,
452
00:43:41,310 --> 00:43:42,390
what, you mean I gets a choice?
453
00:43:47,210 --> 00:43:51,370
A similar thing happens to me a week
last Saturday. I end up with a swollen,
454
00:43:51,410 --> 00:43:52,410
bleeding lip.
455
00:43:52,590 --> 00:43:56,210
I was with her big brother Ray. He says,
do you know my sister May?
456
00:43:56,570 --> 00:43:59,250
Like a tool for all, I says, no, but
thank you for the tips.
457
00:44:06,090 --> 00:44:10,330
the old tool and in this field there's
this cow and this bull and they was well
458
00:44:10,330 --> 00:44:15,250
you can see they was friendly anyhow it
turns to her I says hey Pat I wouldn't
459
00:44:15,250 --> 00:44:18,130
have liked to do that she says well why
not ask she looks a friendly cow
460
00:44:18,130 --> 00:44:25,230
whole
461
00:44:25,230 --> 00:44:31,030
tent in these here digs and the landlady
treats them like pigs well you can't
462
00:44:31,030 --> 00:44:32,410
blame her because they ain't exactly
elite
463
00:44:33,170 --> 00:44:36,050
One day she goes round the bend. She
says, all right, pack your things.
464
00:44:36,050 --> 00:44:38,150
the end. Clear out. You ain't even
having a bite to eat.
465
00:44:38,590 --> 00:44:40,130
Well, the others all goes, wait.
466
00:44:40,730 --> 00:44:42,230
But Teddy says, all right.
467
00:44:42,910 --> 00:44:45,690
I know there's plenty of land ladies
could use some extra loving.
468
00:44:46,790 --> 00:44:50,430
I'll not be homeless long because I'm
virile and I'm strong.
469
00:44:50,870 --> 00:44:53,010
She says, I'm not talking to you. Your
dinner's in the oven.
470
00:45:03,340 --> 00:45:04,560
I had to go to loo.
471
00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:11,680
The train left from platform two. I
guess the hotel tired, so I undressed.
472
00:45:12,020 --> 00:45:16,680
In walks the chambermaid real slow, with
a dress that's cut so low, if I'd have
473
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,080
stood on tippy -toe, I could have seen
her a bit.
474
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:24,560
She says, I've just come to say
goodnight, and to see that you're all
475
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:27,000
that bed, all warm and comfortable and
white.
476
00:45:27,859 --> 00:45:30,960
Is there room for another in there? I
looked up. I said, oh, yeah. She said,
477
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:32,540
well, shut up. There's a commercial
traveler outside.
478
00:45:37,260 --> 00:45:39,660
Oh, Ted meets this fancy piece in town.
479
00:45:39,860 --> 00:45:42,400
And Ted don't hang around. He's back
inside her flat quick as a wink.
480
00:45:42,780 --> 00:45:46,100
She starts to pour him a gin. And then
she says, now, you will tell me when. He
481
00:45:46,100 --> 00:45:47,880
says, right after I finish that little
drink.
482
00:45:53,140 --> 00:45:55,500
He looks up. He says, all right. Well,
he stays there.
483
00:45:55,790 --> 00:45:58,730
the night when he leaves, he says, I
should be toddling off now, Sadie.
484
00:45:59,290 --> 00:46:02,870
She says, just a minute, honey, don't
forget the money. He says, cool, I
485
00:46:02,870 --> 00:46:04,170
couldn't take money from a lady.
486
00:46:11,110 --> 00:46:14,670
I was telling him about Sally and that
afternoon near Shelley.
487
00:46:15,030 --> 00:46:17,610
I tell you, that day I very nearly lost
my heart.
488
00:46:18,810 --> 00:46:20,890
I says, I hope you like beer, I've got a
courting.
489
00:46:21,580 --> 00:46:24,740
And I don't know much about courting,
but come here and I'll feel your
490
00:46:24,740 --> 00:46:25,740
for a start.
491
00:46:28,520 --> 00:46:32,860
And she puts some sun oil in me hand,
and she says, wouldn't it be grand if
492
00:46:32,860 --> 00:46:34,640
rubbed that on me to protect me from the
sun?
493
00:46:35,140 --> 00:46:38,840
Teg says, well, was she all white and
milky, and was her skin all smooth and
494
00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:40,780
silky? I says, I don't know, I had my
mittens off.
495
00:46:45,740 --> 00:46:49,420
Oh, Teg gets back the other day. Six
weeks he'd been away, staying with some
496
00:46:49,420 --> 00:46:50,420
woman up the West End.
497
00:46:51,100 --> 00:46:55,660
And a letter arrives from me implying
explicitly a connection between me and
498
00:46:55,660 --> 00:46:56,660
newfound friend.
499
00:46:56,720 --> 00:46:58,680
I says, now, Ted, I want the truth.
500
00:46:59,220 --> 00:47:02,520
He says, well, she was a bit old in the
tooth.
501
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:05,480
And I suppose I should be ashamed of
what I did.
502
00:47:06,260 --> 00:47:08,560
But I give her your name instead of
mine.
503
00:47:09,300 --> 00:47:13,060
Is that all right? I says, fine. She
just died and left me half a million
504
00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:15,840
So everybody wants a nice bag.
505
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:18,740
For a little boy with a few croppers.
506
00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:25,360
I met
507
00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:35,460
you
508
00:47:35,460 --> 00:47:39,820
at Hothate Cantina. Oh, you look so
lonesome and sad.
509
00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:45,400
So I said with a wink, let me buy you a
drink. And then maybe things won't seem
510
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:46,400
so bad.
511
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:47,740
You ordered.
512
00:47:48,350 --> 00:47:52,150
A large champagne cocktail, then vodka,
then wine from the room.
513
00:47:52,970 --> 00:47:58,410
And as I bought it, I suddenly thought,
it's no wonder that you're on your own.
514
00:47:58,690 --> 00:48:04,110
But by then, I had fallen in love, but
you laughed at the way that I felt.
515
00:48:04,590 --> 00:48:09,270
With your black cowboy boots and your
cowgirl -type suit and your harmful long
516
00:48:09,270 --> 00:48:10,270
-chested tea belt.
517
00:48:10,550 --> 00:48:12,110
And I went with you.
518
00:48:12,430 --> 00:48:16,350
Across town to your place, my eagerness
I could not hide.
519
00:48:16,730 --> 00:48:21,730
As you walked across the floor and you
locked the front door, why did you leave
520
00:48:21,730 --> 00:48:22,730
me outside?
521
00:48:23,030 --> 00:48:28,450
I went through my uncle Hernando, saying
my heart is filled with desire.
522
00:48:28,910 --> 00:48:33,770
But the lady says no, and all the waters
will flow, till the mountains can put
523
00:48:33,770 --> 00:48:34,770
out the fire.
524
00:48:35,170 --> 00:48:40,850
He said, when a lady says no, she
sometimes thinks, yes, you young
525
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:46,440
I said, that may be so, but she didn't
say no. She simply said, go and get
526
00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:51,980
knotted. So I came here, and I sang
beneath your window from midnight till
527
00:48:52,080 --> 00:48:53,080
half past three.
528
00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:58,600
Oh, tell me, sweet lady, sweet lady,
pray tell me, what was it you emptied on
529
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:04,980
me? I came here, to old Barcelona, to
think the sweet heart of my life.
530
00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:11,000
And I gave you my heart, but we drifted
apart, so I'm going back to the white
531
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:12,000
ole.
532
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:18,860
Thank you for watching, gentlemen, and
because there's always time for, but
533
00:49:18,860 --> 00:49:21,400
we'll see you again very, very soon.
Till then, bye -bye.
534
00:49:23,500 --> 00:49:25,700
No, no, enough, enough, enough!
535
00:49:26,660 --> 00:49:27,660
Enough!
536
00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:29,440
Enough!
537
00:49:37,870 --> 00:49:39,270
Oh,
538
00:49:40,770 --> 00:49:46,010
my God.
41529
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