All language subtitles for Benny Hill ex03 Benny and the Jests 1958-1968

Well, thank you very much to me.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, once again,
it's time to beat time for the big time

prizes. And it only remains for Mrs.
Jogle of Southampton to do the word

So here is our lovely and glamorous
hostess, Yvonne, with Mrs. Jogle of

Southampton.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You're going to have a lot of fun with
each other.

It really is wonderful to have you here.
Thank you, Yvonne. Well, Mrs. Jogle of

Southampton, if you'd just come over
here.

You have only to do the word game now.
Would you open the curtains, please?

And you have to make a well -known
phrase or saying, and you have 50

beat the clock, starting from now.

A well -known phrase or saying.

That's it. You're getting it, yes?

You're getting there, yes?

Well done!

Very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen.
Jolly nice to be with you once again. Of

course, when you're doing a show like
this for one night only, you really

get the polish that you get with a show
that's on, say, five nights a week.

Regularly.

Children's own art exhibition.

Old age pension is evicted for not
paying their rent. But first of all,

-German friendship.

Ladies and gentlemen, praise St.
Lawrence for your chairman, Brigadier J

Windpipe, R .N .V .R.

Friends.

Friends.

I won't call you ladies and gentlemen
because I know you so well.

Very good, sir, very good.

But to be serious, the time has come for
us to ask ourselves some heart

-searching questions.

Are we any worse off now than we were
before the war?

Yes, it's a difficult question, but the
answer is, of course, no.

It's another clear we are better off.

But are we any better off spiritually?

I know you must answer yes.

We are not.

But do we blame our German cousins for
this lack of spirit?

Of course we do.

Well, let us go forward with our German
friends.

Let us be firm, but understanding.

Let us...

Be strong, but compassionate.

But above all, let us be consanguine for
the stupid.

No, no, I never took a prisoner.

I could have taken a German prisoner,
but I didn't, and he was an officer.

He was only a little chap, but I let him
go.

Well, I said to myself, what difference
is it going to make to the war if one

man is incarcerated?

yes it won't make any difference at all
so I'll let him go and I shall never

forget the look of gratitude in his eyes
you could hardly see his eyes actually

he had a lock of black hair coming down
covering him and a little black

toothbrush moustache he looked a little
bit like Charlie Chaplin but there good

luck to him I say off you go I said I
say Fritz how about playing thank you

The only... Yes.

Yes.

Buckingham Palace.

An imposing sight in the early morning
sunlight.

Here we see Her Majesty the Queen and
Prince Philip.

More than 30 ,000 people turned out to
see them and to cheer them on their way.

Truly one of the most magnificent
spectacles in the royal year, as the

filling in regal splendour.

The lapidated terrace house is just 17
shillings and sixpence per week. But

that is too much for the two old -age
pensioners.

But then it was home.

The Dimpton -on -Sea Urban Council is
just another eviction order.

Isn't it time local councils...

used a little understanding and spared
us the spectacle of witnessing pitiful

sights such as these.

Two inoffensive elderly people kicked
out of their home, making their way who

knows where by the only means of
transport that they can afford.

The Rembrandts and Van Goghs of tomorrow
hold their art exhibition today.

Believe it or not, it was painted by a
child of eight, Peter Durham from

Dimpton. It's quite remarkable, isn't
it, for one so young?

Well, one dedicated little painter is
still painting away here.

Now, let's see what you've been up to.

It is a lady.

She have no dress, no shoes, no
stockings, no

knickers.

She have no clothes and it is a lady.

And a gentleman.

He is a knackhead.

They are both knackheads.

He's very fond of the lady.

So he is.

And, uh, what's your name?

Rodin, madame.

Gaston Rodin.

24 hours, Monday night.

Okay, Chris.

What stupid...

Ladies and gentlemen, during the past
few years, Great Britain has produced

fine young film directors.

Men like Christopher Borman and John
Miles have already made their mark.

But with me in the studio now is perhaps
the most brilliant of our up -and

-coming young directors, Mr. Freddie
Scuttle.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening, Mr. Scuttle. Good evening,
viewers and cinema -goers.

Mr. Scuttle, you are described as the
most brilliant of our young directors.

Yes, I'm 23, sir.

You look considerably older. I worry a
lot.

well Mr Scuttle you've been quoted as
saying that the current crop of British

films falls roughly into two different
categories two categories yes on the one

hand there are the way out films and on
the other the with it films two

categories sir yes well what's the
difference that's why I say so who cares

Scuttle let me put it another way put it
whichever way you like sir it's

entirely up to you sir Well, take your
latest film, Mr. Scuttle. Would you say

that was a way -out film or a with -it
film? A way -out film, sir. And that is

not just my opinion, sir. That is the
opinion of the cricket, sir.

They come to the press show the second
it was on the screen, sir.

Way -out, they said.

Where's the way -out?

You will see, sir.

Well, take the current crop of spy
films, like the James Bond series. James

Bond, yes. Well, now, would you say
James Bond was way -out? Oh, no, sir.

no. Some of them well -rounded actresses
he works with, sir, that might be

described as being way out, sir. You see
my point, sir?

So you'd say James Bond was with it? I
should think he's never without it.

Not that I'm jealous, sir.

Just envious, that's all.

Well, Mr Scuttle, tell us a little bit
about your latest film. Ah, it's what we

in the trade, sir, call a novel vague
film, you see. A novel vague film? It's

based on a vague novel.

And it's called The Knock, sir. And it
won the Film Festival Prize, sir.

But The Knack has already been made.
That won the Cannes Film Festival Prize.

don't know about that, sir. We won the
Film Festival Prize, sir. Yes, yes.

at Cannes? No, Chipping Sodbury, sir.

We had a lovely festival. So all the big
continental directors were invited.

The truffles were invited, sir.

Felinit. Ingmar Bergman. Her as well,
yes.

And the Italian one, Antony Honion, was
invited, sir. Antony Honion?

Yeah, Antony. No, Mr. Scuttle, you mean
Antonioni.

Yeah, Antonioni.

Yeah, yeah.

I was going to write to him to tell him
it was a little bit difficult. Yes, I

think I know what it is. You can't spell
Antonioni.

I can spell it, sir. I just don't know
when to stop.

Mr. Scuttle, who's starring in your
latest picture? My latest discovery,

Mean, moody, magnificent Mervyn Twitt.

Yes, I remember from your latest press
handout Arva Gardner describing him as

tall, dark and handsome.

Yes. Well, either that, sir, or tall and
in the dark handsome.

I'm not too sure, sir.

Viewers will be able to judge for
themselves because we're now going to

a short excerpt from Mr. Scuttle's
latest film, The Knock.

Yes, this is my story exactly as it
happened. I was 30 years old and was

considered by my several friends to be
quite nice looking.

But even so, I'd never had any success
with the opposite lot.

It was that nice Miss Perelman at the
dancing class.

Somehow she just hardly seemed to notice
me.

And then on my milk round there was that
nice blonde lady, number 27A.

The one with all the capsules of
Pokeball.

seemed to go wrong.

Then one day, into my life, came
Barbara.

The most beautiful creature I'd ever
seen. She had the face and figure of a

lovely young girl with the deep
understanding eyes of a deeply sensuous,

-blown woman.

From that moment on, I knew my life
would never be the same again.

I would never be happy if I had made
Barbara my wife.

Being married to Barbara was like a
dream come true.

Never knew such happiness existed
before.

was made for each other. We had so much
in common.

Then, two years after our wedding,
something happened.

Chained all that.

Exactly as it happened.

Good evening. Well, tonight...
Sportsview looks to the future,

to the Olympic Games in Rome in 1960.

In the last Olympic Games, Great Britain
achieved an outstanding success in the

show jumping events.

But what of the future?

Peter Vernon went out last week to the
Brodie Stables at Letchworth to

that fine British horsewoman, Mrs. Emily
Biscuit.

Mrs. Biscuit?

Mrs. Biscuit?

Hello, can I help you? Hello,

Mrs. Biscuit there.

I know you must be frightfully busy, but
I wonder if you could spare a few

minutes to tell the viewers a little
about yourself.

Well, I'm afraid I've got a filthy
habit.

Yes, yes.

And what's that?

This one I'm wearing now. I just used it
for... Don't worry about that. Now,

tell me to begin with, Mrs. Biscuit, how
long have you been showjumping?

I have been showjumping since I was 17
years of age.

That would be about eight years ago.

Yes, quite, quite, eight years.

And how many hours riding and jumping do
you put in per day?

I would say about ten hours a day.

All those hours bouncing about on a
horse, doesn't it give you a headache?

No, quite the reverse.

It's inclined to give the horse a
headache.

Now, this horse you're taking with you
is going to the Olympic Games. My pal.

My pal?

Is that him in there? He's in there, my
pal. Hello, my pal.

That's his name, my pal. Do you ever get
tempted to call him my pal Bob?

Oh, heaven, no.

I couldn't very well call him my pal
Bob, could I? I mean, he doesn't look a

like Bob, but he does a little, doesn't
he?

You may go after him, of course, don't
you?

Now, Mrs. Biscuit, during these eight
years that you've been writing and

showjumping, you must have won an awful
lot of trophies.

Oh, I've won a lot of awful trophies. I
have, really. I have 12 statuettes.

24 medals and a shield inscribed for the
fastest mare in Surrey. Have you ever

won a loving cup?

Well, I've never been in for that sort
of competition.

Well, now, Mrs. Whiskey, have you any
advice you'd like to give to girls who

in for show jumping?

I mean, what's the most important thing?
Well, I would say, without a doubt, the

most important thing to have is a horse.

I mean, otherwise, there's very high
fences.

I really meant apart from that. Oh,
well, I would say, I usually find when

showjumping, the first thing the judges
look at is my feet.

Because when I ride, I ride just as if I
were part of the horse. I don't really.

Wouldn't do to say which part though,
would you?

Well, I'm quite sure there must be a lot
of horse lovers viewing tonight.

Yes. So I wonder if we could coach my
pal out for a minute or so. Well, I...

I'm terribly sorry, really, because, you
see, he's not terribly well. I was just

about to give him his horse pill, wasn't
I?

Oh, really? I say that's most
interesting. This one here.

Oh, now, tell me, how exactly is the
pill administered?

Well, with the aid of this tube.

Oh. You see, you place one end in the
horse's mouth and the other end, and you

put the pill in there, you see, and you
blow.

Come on, my pal. Come along.

Open your mouth. There's a good horse.
There we are. Ready, steady.

I'm afraid he blew first.

Most unfortunately.

It doesn't matter. Of course, it doesn't
have any... My taking that has no

effect at all on my health.

I'm pleased to hear that.

I'd love to see you talking to me, but
I'm afraid I've got an awful lot of

things to do, you know. Cleaning out all
the stables and that, and the work just

keeps piling up, you know, if you don't
really... I don't understand.

I'd love to. I quite understand, Mrs.
Fitzgibbon. Thank you very much. We'll

goodbye. Well, just before you go, I
will try and get... my bell just to say

-bye. Would you? I shall have to coach
him, though.

I shall have to give him something to
eat. He's very fond of his oats, you

Come along, then.

Come along, my bell. Say bye -bye.

Say bye -bye!

Welcome to another edition of Soapbox
Jury.

And let's see who we have on tonight's
panel, shall we?

Fred Curry, disc jockey.

Hello there.

Lisa Gasol, mater film star.

Good evening.

Lady Edgware.

Lady.

And finally, Ted Grumble, film actor.

Hello.

Well, now, let's see what they think of
this one.

Very interesting.

Well, I liked it. It was gay, it was
vivacious, and it had the most wonderful

beat going all the time there.

I really thought it was awfully nice.
Personally, I prefer my tunes a little

more, if you'll pardon the expression,
robust.

Oh, you mean like Max and I?

Yes, like the sort of tunes he sings,
yes.

And of course, the teenagers seem to
like it out there, and they're the ones

that will buy it, of course. You see,
mind you, of course...

I left my teens way back in 1957,

but I can't say for sure, but I do think
it'll go up. I think it's awfully gay.

I do really think, yes.

Ted Trumbull.

Well, I found it most exciting.

I mean, I think it had a wonderful beat
and a wonderful backing, and I think

it'll go up. It's so, so exciting.

Fred Carey.

I really did. Although I felt that the
introductory passage, that it'll run up

on the piano, or as we in the business
call it, an archipelago, was reminiscent

of a track from the LP Elsie and Doris
Waters in Las Vegas. I rather felt that.

And I do feel that this group owes an
awful lot to Wingy Manone, Mugsy

Jelly Roll Morton, Victor Sylvester, to
say nothing of Edmund O 'Ross, the Irish

bandleader. But I would hazard a guess
and say this will not go into the top 20

until the second week in April when it
will go in at number 16.

And the week afterwards, of course, it
will go to number 12. And the week after

that, of course, it will leave the top
20. Of course, it's only a guess. You

know, I could be wrong.

Please, the gasometer.

Well, I liked it. I thought it was nice.

I like the back end.

And the front end.

The two side end.

And, um, I like that banjo and all the
twiddly bits.

Or was it a trombone?

Well, I like the rhythm in that. I liked
it, I liked it.

But do you think it'll go up?

Up where?

The gym.

Well, if enough people buy it, it will.
That's obvious, isn't it?

Right, now, well, let's see how our jury
are going to vote on this one.

Well, they don't seem to be able to make
up their minds, so we ask our audience

judges what they think.

Have they voted, sir?

Oops. That was a noisy one, wasn't it?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes?

Oh.

Well, it would seem that several viewers
have phoned up and said that Miss

Gasolmas looks like she hasn't got her
dress on on the screen.

Would you mind standing up, Lisa?

See? Really, you're mine.

with you once again.

You know, since our last show, there has
opened in London a brand new club, and

this club is designed to cater to
playboys and would -be playboys. So we

the right person to go along and
investigate was our old friend, Jeremy

Thank you very much. Good evening. Well,
Scuttle's Fun Boy Club, according to

the press handout, is, and I quote,
Britain's answer to the Geisha Houses, a

temple of feminine pulchritude and
beauty, and the tired businessman's

paradise.

Well, let's find out a little more about
it from Mr. Fred Scuttle himself.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening, viewers.

Good evening, Mr. Scuttle. Welcome to
Scuttle's Glamorous Fun Boy Club. Thank

you. Well, now, Mr. Scuttle, I believe
your members...

Your members are waited on by very
beautiful waitresses. We do not call

waitresses, sir. They are not dressed as
waitresses. They are dressed as cuddly

little teddy bears, sir.

More bear than teddy.

Well, now, how many of these girls do
you employ?

At the moment, just the two, sir.

Only two?

The wife and her mother.

But we are open to expunge.

And what about the amenities?

Oh, we've got one each of those, sir.

And we have a restaurant, sir, and a
bar, sir. You can go get a drink. I have

vermouth with an olive in it, sir, or a
vermouth with a cherry in it, sir.

If you like, you can have a fine and
mild and bitter with a pickled onion in

sir.

And I suppose if a man feels like it, he
could linger in the bar with something

long and cold and full of vodka.

No, I don't allow the wife in the bar.

Tell me, Mr. Scuttle, what other
attractions does the club have to offer?

Oh, we have a drive -in movie, sir. A
drive -in movie?

What we call wall -to -wall carpeting,
sir. And then... We have couple fun

-boy packaged holidays, sir. Holidays at
popular prices.

Ah. Well, now, could you give us an
example of one of these popular -priced

holidays? Certainly, sir.

Four fun -filled days in sunny Clapton.

Ninety -eight guineas.

98 guineas? Yes, sir. Well, that's not a
popular price.

I like it, sir.

Have you anything a little cheaper?

Oh, you're from the BBC, aren't you?
Yes. With a hired suit?

I should have known, sir.

Oh,

yes, the cheaper ones, yes, sir. Well,
sir, there it is. You see, yes, for

members only, sir. Because after
investigation, I have found out, sir,

securing the services of an ex -army
surplus Dutch bulb barge... You see?

night -rate tourist -class economy goods
train and a fleet of fast -moving, look

-starved dromedaries, I can get a man
into outer Mongolia for 15 guineas

and still show a profit.

15 guineas? I must say, that's
remarkable, Mr. Cutler. Do they enjoy

We've never found out, sir.

We've never had one come back, sir.

It was like it, wasn't it, sir? Mr.
Cutler, aren't you worried about

them back?

No, they pay in advance.

You see, sir, yes. But we're wasting
time out here, sir.

We are digressing. Would you like to
become a member?

I would very much, yes. I will get your
cuddly little teddy bear.

Sandra! She's just coming, sir.

Thank you. You are going to have some
fun tonight.

Here she goes.

You see, sir, she will serve you drinks.
She will twist with you. But remember,

no touching.

I promise you I have no intention of
molesting her.

I'm not talking to you, sir. I'm talking
to her. No touching.

I think it's a bit unbefitting of me.
I've just noticed the time, Mr.

Cunningham. I really can't stay. One
moment, sir. The cabaret is about to

sir. A striptease cabaret, sir.

Oh, well.

Beauty on a dawn. You know, I mean, sir,
all the wiggles and the squiggles, you

know. You'll like it. There we are. I'm
sure I will, Mr. Cunningham. Oh, you'll

like our little stripper, sir. I bet I
will.

It's not her, is it?

Heavens above.

Perfect. No, sir.

Well, me? Take me clothes off in public?
No fair.

I don't approve of it. No, love. Mind
you, your mother does it very well.

You know, the BBC has often been
criticised for presenting far too many

films. So tonight we're going to put
things right and present a film which

only made three months ago. And it is J.
Arthur Klinker's very exciting The

Stamp Collector.

Why sit here, then?

Rich yourself. It's a free country,
isn't it?

Can I buy you a drink?

Well, I don't know. I mean, I hardly
know you, do I? I mean, I'll have a

port, please.

Two ports, please.

Well, I don't usually drink with strange
women, you know. I mean, one never

knows where it might not lead to, does
one?

Two ports. Thank you.

Thank you.

Keep the change.

Oh, thanks very much.

Oh, just look at that picture over
there.

Isn't it lovely?

Quite nasty.

Do you think it's a constable?

No, he looks more like a game warden the
way he's dressed, doesn't he?

Mind you...

I don't think it's quite as nice as that
picture over there. I think that one's

got a lot more to commend it.

Yes.

That one is lovely, but it's not as
lovely as that one over there.

Just look at the brushwork.

I see.

Major, I think the brushwork on that one
over there is just as nice.

Yes. It is.

But it's that one there. It's the detail
that's so superb.

Yes.

Mind you, I think the detail on that one
over there is even superber.

Yes, I think you're right. Well, cheers.

Cheers, then.

Cheers.

This is not my room.

Where's Teddy?

This is not my bed.

Is anybody there?

Let me out, I say!

Let me out!

You mustn't keep me locked up.

I've got claustrophobia.

Let me out.

Help me, someone.

Help me.

Oh, please help me, someone. Please help
me.

Help me.

Help me. This room is so... So you won't
do any good by something.

Well, I won't bother then. Here.

Why have you brought me here?

It's not to have any... to do any... to
have a bit...

Nothing like that, is it?

I don't believe in that sort of thing.

Well, not before marriage anyway.

And I'm none too sure about afterwards
either.

Why have you brought me here?

Well, I collect beautiful things.

And you know, you really are terribly
handsome.

I know.

But I mean, there's no reason to lock me
up, is there? And why pick on me? I

mean, there's plenty of other fellas
just as nicely...

Almost as nice looking as what I am.

Why me?

It's my hobby, you see.

What is?

Philanthropy. That'll get you nowhere
for a start, will it?

I've got a stymies tickle.

What do you want me to do about it?

Would you like to see it? No, thank you
very much.

If you don't mind, I should rather not
look.

Oh, like stamp collecting. Oh, that's
all right. That's quite a nice hobby,

that. Yes, but it's not enough.

Don't you understand? I'm lonely. I'm so
terribly lonely.

Well, I mean, don't carry on like that.
I mean, you know the old saying. I mean,

for every man is a woman. I mean, you
can't complain about that, can you? I'm

not complaining about it. I just want to
get in on it.

Well, I mean, there's plenty of pebbles
on the beach.

Then why don't you become a little
bolder?

Look, I tell you what.

Look, let's be chums.

Look, I tell you what. If we are just
chums and you let me go, I'll go out

you every Tuesday and Thursday. I
promise, honestly. We'll go out together

Tuesday and Thursday. It's not enough.

You mean you want to marry me? Yes.

That's silly. That'd spoil everything.

I mean, we'd have nowhere to go Tuesdays
and Thursdays, wouldn't we?

Look, are you going to let me go or not?
You can't escape from here without the

key. And I've got it.

If you don't give me that key, I shall
come and take it off you by brute force.

Will you? Yes, I will. No, I won't.

Ah, but you've forgotten the telephone,
haven't you?

Ah, yes.

Police, nine.

Nine.

Nine, we'll soon see about that. Hello,
get me to police, please.

Hello, is that the police?

I'm being held prisoner in a... Where is
this place?

Ah, it's Sloan 2092.

Yes, officer.

There's a wicked evil woman here.

She's holding me hostage.

Knowing me hostage.

I said she's holding me hostage.

Well, she thinks that's clever, doesn't
she?

But there's more than one way of getting
out of here. You've forgotten the

window, haven't you, eh?

Yes, you...

You don't mind? I'd rather not look.

I get what they call virtuous.

We can't have that, can we? Now, look
here. You sit down there and relax.

You might even get to like it here in
time.

We might even become more than just
friends.

Look,

if you don't let me go, I'll destroy
myself.

I should jump out the window. I promise
I will.

I'll do it.

I'm going to jump.

and relax. It's much nicer out here. How
can I relax? My mother will be

expecting me. I'm supposed to be taking
Elsie out tonight.

Elsie? Who's Elsie? She's my intended.

I mean, we're secretly and unofficially
engaged.

Well, what has this Elsie got that I
haven't got?

Well, nothing, only she hasn't had it
for quite so long.

Now, listen.

I can give you all the good things in
life. I'm a very rich woman. Yes, I

It's all right for you. You've got
money. You're taking advantage of me

I'm poor, aren't you?

I mean, I come from a poor family, you
know.

My parents couldn't even afford to buy
me clothes as a child.

I couldn't go out anywhere to walk
around the house naked till I was 16.

And then what happened? They bought me a
top hat so I could look out the window.

Have a piece of cake.

No, thank you. I'm not hungry.

I mean, I'm the breadwinner in the
family. Now, my father won't go to work.

won't get out of bed.

And the only exercise he ever gets is
sticking his finger into chocolates to

find out which ones have the soft
centre.

You don't do that now they put the
design on the lid. Just a small piece.

just a small piece then. All right.

And you mean my father says all he wants
for Christmas is bed socks, a bottle

opener, beer and a bucket. I mean, what
sort of a nice... No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no. Just like there. About
there. That's it, like that. That'll do

lovely. Thank you very much.

Well, it's quite nice, isn't it?

Would you like some champagne?

Yes, I would. You got any fags?

Oh, fags. Cigarettes.

I forgot them. Oh. or whatever made me
forget the cigarettes.

Look, wait there, wait there. I shan't
be very long.

I'll just pop out and get them.

She's left the door open.

She hasn't locked the door.

I can escape.

I'll be able to see my little home again
before they pull it down.

To put up a slum.

I'll be able to have some of my sister's
flaky pastry.

It's like eating a wet book.

again. My goldfish, the only ones in the
house who open their mouths without

asking for something.

I should be able to see Elsie again, and
her mother, and talk about the wedding,

and the little council house we're going
to have, and how her mother and father

are going to come and live with us.

And her brother, as soon as he gets out
the doorstool.

What am I talking about? I say, you left
the door open!

Oh,

this isn't...

Hollywood and the stars.

Throughout the history of motion
pictures, there have been many

enduring partnerships.

In the late 20s, three comedians forsook
the Broadway stage for the movies.

They were the Marx Brothers.

Where you been?

You found a baby?

You found a woman?

Ah, what's her name?

Jewelry? What's the name of jewelry?

Jewelry? You have found a jewelry, the
one with the microfilm. Ah, where is the

microfilm? What's that, the scout honor?

You're not a boy scout.

No scout, huh? But honor, honor.

The microfilm is on. Oh, come on. We've
got to go get her then.

Don't you just wish there were four
marks, brothers?

Certainly no husband and wife team ever
received more adulation than Richard

Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, seen here
in Who's Afraid of Lavinia Woolf?

You know I like plenty of ice in my
glass.

You know you always chew it.

I do not chew my ice.

I was talking about the glass.

Ah, get knotted.

You've never read Einstein's theory of
relativity, have you? I have so too.

And I think he was wrong.

You don't know anything about anyone in
this whole wide world.

You don't know who Einstein is, but I do
because I go to night school every

Tuesday and Saturday.

Big deal.

You don't know who Darwin is, do you,
but I do because I go to night school

every Tuesday and Saturday. You don't
know who Pablo Picasso is, do you, but I

do because I go to night school every
Tuesday and Saturday.

You don't know who Sam Gluckstein is, do
you?

Oh, I'll admit I don't know who Sam
Gluckstein is. Who is Sam Gluckstein?

He's the guy who comes around here every
Tuesday and Saturday while you break

night school.

Probably the most successful partnership
ever was that of Stan Laurel and Oliver

Hardy.

Oh, Stanley, come on. Here.

Another fine myth you got me into.

The early 40s gave us Sidney

Greenstreet and Peter Lorre. See you,
sir.

See me.

Sir.

mistake.

Life is very cheap in Casablanca.

Put me down.

You mean we can't send the gold by the
railways?

There are no trains.

But you said you heard trains.

I thought I heard trains, but it wasn't
trains. It was German prisoners of war.

Passing sandbags to each other. And they
are very polite.

And they were saying... It wasn't
strange at all.

The

musicals

had their king and queen.

Nelson Eddy.

and Janet McDonald.

You went away, I let you.

We broke the ties that bind.

I wanted to forget you and leave the
past

behind.

This eager heart of mine is singing,

lover, come back to me.

When I remember every little thing you
used to do, I'm so

lonely.

Every road I've walked along, I've
walked along with you.

No wonder you were lonely.

1954, on the waterfront, with the superb
performance of Rod Steiger, matched

only by the brilliance of Marlon Brando.

Look, you're my brother.

I don't want to see you get hurt.

Look, all I'm asking is for you to go
along with these guys.

Look, you're a smart, intelligent boy.

I know.

Is there any way to talk to your
brother?

Terry, sometimes I just don't understand
you.

He's 44th on 33rd Street.

What do you say, Mac?

He's 44th on 33rd Street.

How's that again, Mac?

Look, you don't let no diver get gone
for 40 cents a tin of water, can you

Why don't you say so in the first place?

The late

30s

brought together Beauty and the Beast,
Mae West, and W .C. Fields.

Well,

bartender, give me a... A shot of rye
and a glass of water.

Thank you.

Yeah.

How's the wife?

Yeah, better than nothing, I guess.

Give me a shot of snake eye, lover boy.

What do they call you, my dear?

None of your business.

What do they call me?

Lulubow.

Lulubow!

What are you from West Appalachia?

What are you, the hired helper or
something?

Yeah, hired help.

Why, heavens to bits, say.

You're not a fuddy -duddy, are you?

You're not a mooncast?

Well, have you known my father?

What was your mother?

Chucky.

Why, my father made the Empire State
Building.

My father made the Brooklyn Bridge.

My father made the Great Boulder Dam.

What did your father ever make?

Look me over, big boy.

Look me over.

Reminds me, must get my watch.

And so ends the partnerships of
Hollywood and the stars.

Ladies and gentlemen, this little folk
song you're hearing at the moment comes

from Central America.

And it is virtually the national anthem
of the small town of Huevas.

And Huevas has the distinction of having
the highest birth rate in all of

Central America.

And a lot of people hold that Juan
Santos is responsible for this.

He's 97.

But a very sprightly 97.

And he is the local train driver.

And he drives his train through Huevas.

Every morning at five o 'clock and blows
his whistle.

Loudly.

And wakes everybody up.

And at five o 'clock in the morning,
it's too early to get up and go to work.

And it's too late to go to sleep again.

And I wish I was dead, but...

The Huarache Indians actually live up in
the hills near with us and they come

down once a year and they have a big lua
or feasting, you know, and they get

tanked up on this tequila and xenophore
essence and it really gets you going,

that stuff.

And they go potty, you know, they go
running around.

I really didn't mean that.

They go mad, they go running around on
red hot coals and upturned knives and

broken glass and it doesn't hurt them a
bit because they wear big hobnail boots.

Actually, boots have only very recently
come to the Indians, you know, until

1933 they didn't have any boots, you
know. I mean, before 1933 you could have

gone up to one of these Indian Warachis
and you would have said, boots, you

know, or cobblers or something.

He wouldn't have understood what you
meant, but now they've got boots, and

first one to have a pair of boots was so
proud. You see what I got here? I got

my boots.

You want to go to the Grand Bia?

He's first on the right, he's second on
the left, and straight ahead.

You have to excuse me now. I'm going to
tie up my boots late.

They do. And of course...

Nowadays, you know, a lot of tourists
come down from North America, you know,

from California. They come down all
loaded up with cameras, you know, and

go around photographing everything
inside. Oh, look at that, Harry. Isn't

great? Hey, Alice, look at that.

Wonderful.

Oh, look.

Isn't that just fabulous?

I like

some

words to this song. I think it's rather
lovely.

I aft.

A policeman in Portsmouth, the way to
the YMCA.

You turn left, he said, then you go
straight ahead.

I said thanks and I went on my way.

Then I saw her.

She was in a pub doorway and I saw the
way she was dressed.

Her blouse was so low that I murmured,
oh, as I saw her pink woolly vest.

Old sailor.

I'm lonely, she whispered, and she
smiled, and she gave me a flower.

Then round to her place we casually
strolled at seventy miles an

hour. The moment that followed
thereafter, a moment I'll

never forget.

I kissed her hands, and I kissed her
face, and if I'd stayed I'd have been

kissing her yet.

Then a knock.

At the door, it was her husband. She
said, jump out the window, he's vicious.

I said, you must be joking, we're 13
floors up. She said, darling, don't be

superstitious. Then he burst in and he
rushed straight up to me. I thought

I was in for a fight.

He said, you've gone the wrong way for
the YFDA. You should have turned left

not right.

There will now be a short interval. The
sales staff will visit all parts.

just come in. He's up at the bar
drinking.

You can't miss him. He's a lean, tall,
good -looking, got a strong chin, hard

steel blue eyes.

About 24.

He's tough.

He's ruthless.

He's a gunning. But above all, he's
consanguineous.

Hey, wait a minute.

He just come in. Better be careful.

Used to be a big thing between them a
while back.

Hiya, Stella.

Long time no see.

Too long.

Hasn't it been too long for you, Harry?

Haven't you missed me?

Missed all the fun we had together?

They were good times, weren't they?

Weren't they, Harry?

They sure were.

They sure were.

You know what I remember about you,
Harry?

It's the way you smiled.

You know.

Every time you smile, your nose sort of
crinkles up.

It's always fascinated me the way it
sort of crinkles up.

Are you still drinking, Harry?

Why do you do it, Harry?

It was your drinking which split us up
the last time.

But if you give it up right here and
now, you can have me back, Harry.

Well?

Which is it to be?

Give me another brew.

Very well, Harry.

If that's how it's going to be, you'd
better take your ring back.

Oh, come on, Stella. Don't be like that.
I mean it, Harry.

I want you out of my life for good.

Now, here.

Take your ring back.

Okay, honey. If that's the way you want
it.

Now go.

Go on. Get out of my life, Harry.

Get out of my life, please.

Sure, honey.

If that's how you want it.

Harry, come back.

Please come back, Harry. I need you.

Okay, honey.

I'm here.

Harry, I want you to know, and I mean
this, I want you to know that whatever

do, no matter what, and...

Wherever you go, no matter where, no
matter what happens, either now or in

future, or at any time, I want you to
know that.

Oh, Harry, I love you so very deeply.

I love you. I love you.

I've never loved anyone else.

What day is today?

What?

Our anniversary.

Don't you remember?

Three years ago to this very day in this
very bar, we met for the very first

time. And here, I got a little present
for you.

Oh, no, Harry. I just couldn't. Oh, go
ahead. Take it.

I can't.

Oh, my God.

A diamond.

No one's too good for you, baby.

Oh, Harry.

How can I ever thank you?

We'll think of something.

Hello, I assume.

Why, hello there, Scarlet.

Mind if a lady sit here?

Be my guest.

Do you mind if I smoke?

Go right ahead.

I see you again, Harry.

You don't, you haven't changed at all.

Same old Harry, same old smile.

Sort of crinkly. It sort of makes your
nose crinkle up.

I like that.

Not still going around with that little
waitress, Harry. You don't need her. You

need me, Harry.

We need each other. You are all mine.

And I am all woman.

Kiss me, Harry.

Kiss me.

Okay, Harry, this is it. Don't look
around.

Spread ahead. And don't try anything.

Just get those hands up. I said to get
them up.

Drop it, Tony.

Okay, Cuffer. You asked for it.

me, Lieutenant.

Harry, you're a three -time loser. And
with a three -time loser, there's only

one way out.