All language subtitles for 13_nights_of_elvira_s01e06_hideous

Jello, darlings. Yes, it's me, that gal
from the future who keeps getting

sutured, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.
And with the help of technology, I am

broadcasting this program to you from 10
,000 years in the future.

No way.

Yes way! I accidentally set the Wayback
Machine to way forward, and I kind of

ended up slightly ahead of my arrival
time.

Well, not as far ahead as that guy, but
it's nice to know that I'm still looking

good 10 ,000 years from now.

What's my secret, you ask?

Hello, crew!

That's your cue.

What?

Why, thanks for asking.

If you really want to know my beauty
secret, it's acting.

That's right.

You're only as old as you act, so I
never act my age, just my IQ, which just

turned 21.

You know, another one of my tricks to
staying looking and feeling young is to

prance your thighs.

But not in high heels.

So the safest and best exercise for
beauty is to get plenty of sleep.

You know, I do a lot of sleeping on the
job and behind the wheel of my car and

whenever anybody else is talking.

Oh, and talking of talking in your
sleep, have I ever got a sleeper for

Well, yes, indeed I do.

Now, if you like Valley of the Dolls and
Hello Dolly, then I know you're going

to get off on this feature, which
features a little creature called

Now, some of the smallest actors in town
were considered for the title role.

Herve Villachez, Gary Coleman, Danny
DeVito, and of course Tom Cruise.

But their egos were all too big for the
costume.

Come to think of it, my egos are getting
a little too big for my costume.

So why don't you leave?

What? And quit show business?

Okay, I gotta get back to work.

Now, let me see, where did I leave off
in that last dream?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

You were there, and you were there,
and... I don't think you were there,

Was that you in the gorilla mask?

When will this nightmare be over?

Oh, good thinking. I better set my alarm
clock.

I want to make sure I wake up after the
movie.

Doll man.

This is the police.

Stop where you are and drop your weapon
aside.

This is your final warning.

Stop where you are.

Drop dead!

Get away from me!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

He's only got one exit out of here.

Huh? Huh?

Oh, yeah.

I just said I don't want to...

I'm ordering you to meet his demands.

Mayor?

Sorry, uh...

What are you doing here?

Rick.

Hey, you.

What's all the mess?

I'm not in there with 13 hostages. The
mayor wants us to give in.

I'm suspended.

Yeah. But, uh, got any ideas?

I got an idea.

I'm gonna use hot water for my wife.

It's a cold wash. The water rinses my
colors.

That's what we're going to do.

Aren't you supposed to separate the
hostages from the permanent press?

One, two, three.

You asshole!

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

I'm going to kill these fat ladies!

That's right.

One of us ought to keep going.

But I already put my money in the
machine.

I swear, I'm going to do it.

Wow!

That's a cruder blaster! The most
powerful hand in the universe!

That's right, fat boy.

And it's going to blow a hole clean
through this fat lady.

And then blow a hole out of you.

And that's going to blow a hole out of
the lady behind you.

Keep the bath off you.

Skyrise.

What the hell happened here?

Two women in cardiac arrest?

Everything is under control. Not
expected.

And every new station in town.

is reporting that one of my officers
endangered a laundromat full of

Think how that looked. Mr. Mayor, no one
was killed, and I thought with Bardo

here... I'll do the thinking, Captain.

You're that son of a bitch now.

Disappointed you didn't get to kill
anyone tonight, Bardo?

You're through, you goddamn psycho!

And take off those sunglasses, it's
night!

I want that bat to suspend it. It's
already under suspension because of the

incident in Fillmore. Then fire!

I throw the book at him.

The worst thing about being a girl and
throwing like one.

Tonight at 1168, there was an extreme
shootout at a South Central laundromat.

Unidentified sources at the crime scene
claim that a renegade ex -cop went on a

shooting rampage that has left an
unconfirmed 27 bystanders wounded and

3 .6 dead.

With more on this tragic backstory,
story are unloaded.

Details are still sketchy at this point,
Harry. However...

An anonymous official has heard rumor
that 1 .4 of the dead are indeed

The mayor's office has released no
actual details at this time. However, a

highly placed authority has implied the
identity of the killer to be known. The

name Brick Bardo was overheard.

Brick Bardo. Isn't he the detective that
was involved in the Fillmore incident

earlier this year?

That's right, Harry.

We'll come back on a late break story.

But first, we've got a travel advisory
warning from Patricia LaBelle. There are

rare phenomena known as the energy.

There's an old friend wants to see you.

Rise and shine.

I saw the news tonight.

You're a very violent man, Zardo.

Yes, I know.

It's a violent universe.

I bet you thought you'd seen the last of
me.

I am seeing the last of you, Sprood.

After our last encounter, this is all
they managed to salvage.

Let's see if I can remember it the first
time.

Conklin bank job?

I'd blow off your left arm. Most of my
left foot?

And then there was the space extortion.

What did I take?

Two or three legs?

Among other things.

And the last time, all I remember was
your head rolling around in the parking

lot. I didn't think there was enough to
save.

Modern medicine.

They're doing some wonderful things.

It's too bad your lovely family couldn't
benefit as I have.

But then I think even our best doctors
couldn't have done anything with what

left of them.

What do you want?

Sunscreen. I'll tell you what I want.
Oh, I know.

50 ,000 molecular ions.

And I'll get them too. You know why?

Because my cruiser is loaded with a
dimensional fusion bomb that'll blow the

atoms of this city into another universe
unless they fail.

It'll never happen. Want to bet?

Why not?

Somehow you'll fuck it up.

You always fuck it up.

No, partner.

You've always filled up my plans.

But this time you won't have a chance
because you're going to be in tiny, tiny

little arms.

We're going to blow you apart piece by
piece, brother.

It's mine now.

I've heard about this custom -made
monster for years.

Don't worry, Bardo.

I'll take good care of it.

I'll put it to good use.

Start with his left hand.

How does it feel to be on the other
side, Bardo?

I don't know.

Tell me.

I'm gonna die.

You can't kill me anymore.

What do you want, asshole?

Nothing.

You're just gonna walk away?

Good morning.

Your crap won't take your pressure.

Neither will yours.

Good morning. Dad!

I don't give a fuck. Good morning.

What makes you think I do?

Good morning.

Impact with energy band in mind. Craft
is undergoing pressure duress. Energy

band. Good morning. Energy band in the
head.

We have impact.

to human life.

Warning based on sensor calculations of
planet structures.

Your size relationships are altered.

This planet's life forms are a ratio of
six to one larger.

Hey, you in the wrong neighborhood?

When we say fuck...

This is a respectable vacant lot.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Every day we are forced to fight for our
lives, for the lives of our children.

That's why you have joined our
Neighborhood Watch program.

Today we have a very special guest who
will explain to us how the police plan

help us in our fight.

Please welcome Captain Arnold Schuller
of the Police Commission.

Thank you for coming. Nice to be here.

Mrs. Alejandro is absolutely right. We
are involved in a war.

And if it weren't for you people, we
would have no chance of winning.

I think you were the ones who deserve my
applause.

Now that you have your sound bite,
Captain Schiller, you can go ahead and

us exactly how you plan to help us.

What do you have in mind?

Beefed up patrols? Raiding the crack
houses?

Roadblocks? It's not as simple as that.
You know, it's a very big city. And

Dalton Avenue is not the only area that
needs help.

Look, you're the police.

Protect and serve. It's your job.

Protect us.

Of course we'll protect you, Mrs.
Alejandro. We will always try to protect

Together we can win this war.

I saw Debbie.

There's the bitch. The teacher doesn't
mess with our business, huh?

The water.

The water.

Bitch. Oh, yeah, Debbie.

Come here. Debbie, I'm gonna... Oh,

my God!

And those were her parents.

Que traiz.

You fuck with our business, you die.

Entiendes?

I didn't mean to scare you. Scare me?

Who are you?

What am I worried about? This is just a
bad dream.

No, it's an unpleasant dream.

Or I'm hallucinating.

Or I have a concussion.

You are so small.

Yeah, but she says that about every guy
she bangs.

We can't stay here. They'll be back.

Those punks?

I don't think so.

They'll bring their whole gang. We gotta
get out of here.

I'm not going anywhere.

Stop it.

Stop it, lady.

Hey, you're right.

Hey, whoa, look, a head on the road.

Where? Oh, no, a two -inch head, look.

What the fuck is that, man?

What the fuck is that?

Look, my friend, cut to the chase.

I'm obviously a visitor from another
world who's had a bit of trouble.

Help me out, I'll help you out.

It fucking talks.

You're gonna help me do what?

Conquer your world.

Such as it is.

I've got a bomb you could use.

Yeah, and you're in it.

Something that will rip your dimension a
new asshole.

Rip my dimension?

Believe me, nobody will fuck with you
ever again.

You know, with a bomb like that, we
could, like, blow up the entire East

We can take the whole fucking borough.

Huh? This place would be mine.

Whatever was left behind, yes, would be
yours.

Do we have a deal?

Well, yeah.

What do you want, like a new hat or
something?

What's your secret password?

We have interviews with the Air Force
and other astronomers about this amazing

button by thousands of people in the
skies over New York.

From the Big Star!

Are you all right?

I never felt better in my life.

My son thought you were a toy.

Franco Space Star is his favorite TV
show.

What is it, Mom?

It's a little man, Kevin.

So, where did you come from?

How did you get here?

Last thing I remember, I was chasing
Sproog into the energy bands.

Energy bands?

Mom, he's an alien.

Alien?

No. What planet do you come from? Mars?

Venus?

Arturo's. Arturo?

He's not an alien. He's a small man that
got lost.

Whoa!

Whoa!

I want one of those, Mom.

Give me that gun.

No way.

Give me the gun! I will not have...

Don't pull that thing out again.

When will this nightmare be over?

It's not a nightmare.

Then what the hell is it?

It's the South Bronx.

How we doing? Hey, get Richard Bradford
in.

That's the plan.

What

the

fuck is this?

I don't pay you chores.

Oh, fuck, man.

Table it's ruined. Who put him on the
goddamn pool table, huh?

It wasn't my fault. It was just
Pendejo's fault. He was gonna fight

thought I told you not to fuck with
Debbie. Hey, it was her fucking way up.

were just trying to protect ourselves in
here. She did this to you? Don't you

expect me to believe that?

Well, she had the little doll. The
little doll man.

The doll? What the fuck are you talking
about?

Well, this guy, this little guy, he just
jumped out, man. He started shooting

everybody. He told me a midget did this
to you.

No, no, there was no midget.

A little guy like this.

Have another fucking drink, Jackson.

Taking things upon himself.

Anybody else got any bright ideas? You
got a fucking bright idea?

How about you? You got a bright idea?

Huh?

I have an idea.

Oh,

there's an

invasion, homeboy.

This better be good, Ed.

There's only one person that can stop
you once I give you the dimensional

Brick Bardo.

What's a Brick Bardo?

He's an asshole cop from my world. He
followed me here.

Well, how do you know it's him?

There's only one weapon in the universe
that can destroy atomic matter like

that.

It's dangerous to me.

And to you, too.

If I were you, I'd go out and kill him
right now.

Well, yeah. Well, if I were you, I'd
quit while I was ahead.

Think how it looks?

Guy moves into your territory, blows
away your two men.

I know I wouldn't like it.

He's not showing you proper respect.

People will think you've lost control.

Well, this guy's a cop, huh?

I'm gonna go to Debbie's.

I don't want to show this cop he's in
the wrong fucking neighborhood.

We stay here and clean up this mess.

We get a fucking Brent Miffin or
something.

Fucking body out of here

Isn't it past your bedtime, kid?

No power? That's your problem, mister.

Okay.

Looks like batteries does this thing
take.

Look, kid, I'm a little busy right now,
though.

Get the hell away from me, huh?

Aren't all people on your planet
assholes like you?

I'm not.

Hey, I know somebody that can help you.

Smoking causes wrinkles.

What'd I say?

The show is over. Good night.

Get away from the ship. It's not a toy.

Obviously.

This is my best friend, Gerald.

He's the brains of the squirrel.

What? I said get away from my ship!

Quite aggressive, isn't he? Kind of a
jerk.

Gerald, you two, good night. But, but
nothing.

It's late.

Kevin, did I tell you to tell...
Everybody in the neighborhood that we

space man living in our house, don't you
think we have enough problems?

But, Mom, what's the fun of having an
alien if you can't show it off?

Now, listen, don't do anything without
asking the person.

What? Get that gun out of my face. What
did I just tell you?

Hey, Kevin, how you doing?

Don't touch him, Fred!

What do you want?

Come by to visit, see how you're doing.

You're looking good.

Want some money or something?

I don't want your money. I don't want
anything from you. Get these people out

my house, Braxton. Look, I'm looking for
your friend, the midget.

I told you he's not a midget. Will you
shut the fuck up? Look, I don't know who

you're talking about.

Look, don't fuck with me, Debbie.

This doll man, he hit my boys.

Braxton, leave us alone.

Where is he?

Oh, well, just like the head.

Oh, fuck!

That's about the size of it.

Little paint would be just like brand
new.

Yeah.

Your world's just as violent as ours,
isn't it?

Things don't change.

People don't.

I'm gonna lose, aren't I?

Unless you give up, lady.

Thanks.

Mommy!

Mommy!

What is it, honey?

Oh, baby.

The bad men are gone.

It's a bad dream, honey. Go back to
sleep.

Yeah, go back to sleep and finish your
unpleasant dream.

Yo, Brax, what's up, man?

What the fuck?

Not like this.

I see you've met Brick.

I've had some experience with his
blaster damage.

I can stop the bleeding by fusing the
molecules with a sonic proton wash.

If there's no internal bleeding, you
might be.

Do it. Not so fast.

You promised to help me. I want that
help now, tonight.

It's too dangerous here, and I'm tired
of being small.

I want my ship repaired, and I want to
leave fast.

Do we have an understanding?

Yeah, whatever you say, just fucking do
it.

Hey, you're pretty fucking good.

Hey.

You promised me a bomb. First show it to
me or there's no deal.

It's right behind me.

All you do is push the button.

Everything within three parsecs is sent
to another dimension forever.

Let's see. One parsec equals 3 .2 light
years times three equals... Don't bother

to pack a bag.

From now on, you work for me.

You do what I say.

Work for you?

You're in the wrong fucking
neighborhood, deadhead.

Call the homies together. We're going to
war.

With who?

With the fucking doll man. Who else?

But we heard he just popped Jackson and
the other guys. They almost killed you.

So the fuck what? We got a dimensional
bomb.

We're going to settle this fucker once
and for all.

All right.

Look at the menial bomb.

If you're cold, you can put this on.
It's warm.

So do you have a family back home?

Not anymore.

But you used to?

Mind if I get a little sleep?

Sorry.

Good night.

I had a wife and two kids.

Baby girl.

A boy about Kevin's age.

Someone who wanted to hurt me, get it by
hurting them.

Kevin's father's dead, too.

He was shot holding up a liquor store
eight years ago.

Kevin doesn't even remember him.

He was a gangbanger, Brooklyn homeboy.

At the time, I thought homeboy was as
cool as you could get.

Yeah, but how cool can the boy be if
he's still living at home? And then when

Kevin was born, he swore he was done
with gangs, done with crime, but he

I don't know, it's like... In this
neighborhood, gangs are the only way

can be noticed. It's the only way you
can be somebody.

I mean, they give you a new name, and
then you're shorty or sleepy or psycho.

mean, gangs give you an identity.

You know how hard it is keeping Kevin
away.

His friends already belong.

He's trying, but I'm going to lose him
if I don't do something about it.

Then why don't you leave?

Where would I go?

I don't have any money. I can't even pay
the rent.

Dropped out of school to have Kevin.

Besides, this is my home. This is where
I grew up. Everything I've ever known is

here. I'm not going to run away.

You've got a lot of guts, Lane. Maybe
you're using the wrong approach.

What do you mean?

Fight fire with fire.

I always thought you fought fire with
water.

Some fires are too big.

Birthday candles are too big for you.

Leave them alone.

They're dead in here, you're late.

Have a good day. Be careful.

I love you. I love you. Goodbye.

Be careful.

Oh, hi.

Here's my number at work in case you
need to call.

Well, I don't think going to work is
such a great idea. Those punks will be

looking for you.

Well, if I don't go to work, I don't get
paid.

If I don't get paid, I can't pay the
rent.

There's nothing to eat, so I'm going to
work.

I think you should stay in, though.

The world isn't safe if I'm on your
side.

I'll be home at 7.

Kevin will be home around 3 .30. Look,
lady, I'm going to find the rest of this

punk and finish this.

No, you're not.

I've got to do what I've got to do,
lady.

Be careful out there, Debbie.

So you're trying to tell me that a 13
-inch man saved your ass from Brexit?

Yes. I thought it was like a
hallucination or something, but I don't

don't know what I'm going to do with
him.

A 13 -inch man? Are you sure it wasn't a
dream?

I'm serious.

Come over tonight and see him for
yourself.

I'd love to see a 13 -inch man.

You know what I mean. I don't know where
he came from or what to do, madam.

What's so funny, lady?

Nothing funny, sir.

Nothing funny about toxic waste, Mr.
Lohan.

Well, then get back to work.

You went behind.

Sheesh, what's his problem?

Hmm, he asked me out to the Guns N'
Roses concert.

I told him I don't dig the mutant slime
from work.

He didn't.

Yeah.

What the fuck are we waiting for?

We're waiting because I said we're
waiting.

I'm gonna make an example out of this
bitch.

Well, it's about time.

Oh, fuck, man.

Man.

Oh, fuck.

Yo, I thought that little guy picked
you.

He didn't go home.

Not without his hip.

You know, there doesn't seem to be much
structural damage.

Maybe if I just adjust this, or how
about... Back away, Gerald.

I think he suffers from Napoleonic
syndrome.

Yeah. What?

Short man's complex.

So, how long do you think this guy's
going to stay at your place?

I don't know. I don't know. The
spaceship doesn't work, so he can't

anywhere. I guess he's stuck here.

You want him to stay, though, don't you?

Señor Alejandro.

Ah, Señor Rodriguez, ¿qué tal?

Bien, oiga.

I heard about this tall man that he blew
away Braxton Redd's homies last night.

¿Es cierto?

Yeah, it's true.

Oiga, ¿y cuándo es el next meeting del
Neighborhood Watch?

Thursday, 7 .30 at the cafeteria.

I'll be there. Really?

Si.

Vivian, you know we can make a
difference. We can change this

Especially with this dumb man blowing
away all those comebacks for us, eh?

That's not the way I wanted it to work
out.

Bye, girlfriend.

See ya.

Be by late and see you, darling.

Leave me alone!

What, your little friend gonna come
after you and beat me up? Help! Somebody

help!

We're gonna stop you, you son of a...
You

got

your mom down here

Keep your eye out for the doll man,
okay? Because he's going to come looking

her.

Sit down.

We've got to wait.

Stop the sprax and you're hurt.

What the fuck do you care?

Yeah.

Hey, it's Antonio Banderas!

Don't even think about it.

Braxton, you're going to die if you
don't get some help.

So I die.

But you can stop this before you go
down.

When are you going to get hip to what's
going on here?

Huh?

We're all going to go down, Dad, because
that's the way the man wants it.

Can't you see that?

Huh?

You think they care about you?

You think they care about Dalton Avenue,
huh?

They don't give a shit.

You're on the wrong fucking side.

Sit down.

Don't make me get up.

Fucking sit down!

What the fuck are we fucking waiting
for?

I mean, fuck this shit.

Fuck, man, the fucking setup is fucked
up.

The little fucker knows what kind of
fucking shit is fucking waiting here to

fuck him up.

So let's get the fuck out of this
fucking deal and go fucking looking for

tiny little motherfucker.

Has fucking anybody seen anything yet?

Rexton, man, it's been three hours.

He ain't gonna show.

He must have found out what was waiting
for him.

Fuck him.

I'm bruising, you go look for him, all
right?

Go on.

Come on, go on.

The vans will meet us down here.

Over.

Got it, homie.

And I thought this was going to be hard.

Urban fucking renewal.

Big mistake, Debbie.

Fucking mistake!

Benny would be very disappointed with
you right now. You remember Benny?

Oh, Debbie.

Oh, fuck.

I'm gonna fucking get you alive.

And you'll fucking never invent me!

I'm gonna fucking invent you.

I'll show you for fucking this.

I guess he hasn't read his social media
scores.

Goodbye, Debbie.

Why don't you pick on someone your own
size, you fucking puke?

You sad pus.

You remind me of a

guy I knew back home.

I didn't like him either. Ah,
motherfucker!

Oh,

fuck,

my gun.

Now let's see how you like it.

You tiny motherfucker.

No, let's see what it's like for you,
motherfucker.

Inside,

lady. Let me finish that.

It's finished.

Come on, it's finished. Don't you see
that?

He's scum.

He doesn't deserve to live.

Your family isn't alive, is that it?

Come on, let it go.

Let it go.

Stand aside.

Okay.

Don't do it for me.

Okay, lady.

Wrong. Nobody fucking wins.

The original fusion bomb.

Bye, Dolman.

If you want your spaceship back, it's
for sale on eBay.

So Debbie, tell me size doesn't count.

oh oh

Oh, gee, it's over already?

So, how'd you like Dollman?

Hello, crew, that's your cue.

What?

Boy,

everyone on my crew is such a doll.

Anyways,

this movie won the award for Best
Science Friction Short Subject.

I wish someday somebody would explain
the difference to me between science

friction and non -science friction,
because they both seem made up to me.

But I think this was more of a science
affliction movie, because everyone gets

afflicted by science.

You can't feel me anymore.

No, but cigarettes can.

I know, because I saw the pie chart.

Now, I was never very good at math, but
I know that 36 times 24 equals 36.

And the M &M C squared equals the real
Slim Shady.

And that if you drop an apple and a
bowling ball from the building at the

time, you're more likely to hit someone
with a bowling ball, according to this

new cult religion called gravity.

But sleeping through Dollman reminded me
of way back when I was just a little

Elvira mistress of the doll.

And I think about all those times I
didn't answer the door when opportunity

knocked, because I thought it was the
landlord trying to collect rent.

And... I think about all the chances I
had to steal, set fires, and vandalize.

But I chose to go into topless
broadcasting on TITSFM, which was closed

the FCC insisted on attending every
broadcasting.

Which, of course, reminds me of how I
arrived in Hollywood.

My house was swept up by this tornado in
Kansas.

You know, Kansas, also known as the show
-me -to -the -emergency -room state.

Well, gang, it's been a bang.

It's been a bang, gang.

I've got a bomb you could use.

Eh, no thanks. They give me gas.

Oh, that's the taco truck. I just love
some fish tacos.

So, I'll see VJ you later.

You're just gonna walk away?

Oh, I almost forgot.

Unpleasant dreams.

Oh