Original subtitles

I accepted this appointment for one reason, to help improve the public

system in this state. I'm doing a feature article on your dad. Mind if I

a few questions?

I guess it couldn't hurt. We need men like you in state government Bradford.

Thank you, Senator, and I won't let you down. It was all a big mix -up.

Porno theater?

Bradford linked to porno theater.

What do you want, Bradford? I want you to stop trying to crucify me. I think I

can do a good job.

Yeah, for who?

The public or your ego?

We feel and always will.

Oh, it is enough to fill our lives with love.

Always spend our days like bright and shiny new dawn.

If we're ever puzzled by the change.

What's wrong with you?

I hate life.

I think it's bad now. Why do you hate puberty? What a mess.

At least they don't call you cute. I'm sick and tired of being called cute,

adorable, impressive. Oh, some problem.

Well, you don't know what it's like being patted on the head like a

Come on.

I'm serious. And then they talk to you like you're a chihuahua. I think you're

making a bigger deal out of this than there is.

I'll keep that in mind next time Dad's boss comes over, pinches my cheek and

says, How's little whippersnapper today?

Makes me want to barf.

I guess that could get on your nerves.

You kidding?

I'm going to have a breakdown.

Well, look, if I make you feel any better, I don't think you're cute.

Good. As a matter of fact, I find you pretty disgusting sometimes.

Really?

Hey, you gross me out a lot.

Thanks. No sweat.

What about the rest of the world?

I don't know.

Change your image, maybe.

How do I do that?

Well, it won't be easy. You've got a lot to overcome, and you'll also risk the

chance of getting punished.

I don't care. I'll do anything.

Okay. Here's what you've got to do.

Well, did you find it? It's not on the front page, Dad. It's not in the feature

section, either. I can't find it anywhere. Gee, Elliot said he was going

it in a well -read section.

Well, maybe it's next to sports.

I hardly think that an article about a state board of education appointee would

be next to the football scores.

Why not? When the governor first picked you, it showed up next to the

obituaries, remember?

I remember.

People thought you were dead.

I remember, but that was weeks ago. I mean, people don't really get interested

in these things until there's a confirmation hearing. Then it's really

Oh, yeah, somebody coming back from the grave to do a job. Now, that's human

interest.

Well, I can't find it, Dad, but I'm sure you will. I got to go. Jeffrey had a

surprise story for me. Oh, yes, maybe it's my press conference. The governor's

going to be there.

Oh, no, I don't think so, Dad. He said it was something real big.

Bye. Nicholas, you better hurry up. You're going to be late.

Nicholas, just drink your milk and get ready for school.

I am ready for school. I'm not drinking my milk, and I'm going to read the

comics. Listen, young man, don't you ever talk back to me like that. Now, I

to see that glass of milk empty in short order.

Okay.

Nicholas! I found your article.

Oh, where?

Right next to the comics.

Jeff, what's the story? Look, I've been giving it a lot of thought. I'm not sure

you're ready for an assignment like this. What do you mean? Of course I'm

I got another one here. Elman had it, got sick. Oh, no, no, no, no. Forget it,

Jeff. I know your tactics. I don't want the Elman story. I want the other one.

Okay. You're in safe.

Yeah, thank you.

Mr. Video Dating Center.

You go through the program... No, no, no, no. You go through the program like

regular client, but undercover.

Only the manager will know you're a reporter. You conned me.

It could be a very interesting piece. Video dating services are getting to be

very popular.

You know, you're going to be really sorry if I fall in love.

Good luck, Bradford.

You know, I'm known to get very wrapped up in my work.

Very, very wrapped up. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Uh, Jeff?

What was Alan's story?

This is an interview.

Oh.

With the Vice President of the United States.

Well, you know, Elliot, I am a little hurt. My own newspaper puts me next to

Captain Crunch and the Space Cookies. Well, but it happens to be a very

comic strip, Tom. You've probably got a lot of exposure.

Sure, with ten -year -olds. Well, I don't know, Tom. I happen to read

Crunch myself.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Oh, Tom, you're a newsman. You know the bigger the story, the better the

position it gets.

Front page?

Chimpanzee escapes from zoo?

That's a big story?

There's more to it than that, Tom. He was captured in a lady's hot tub.

Oh, well, I can hardly wait to hear about it. Did the monkey have his

on? Tom, it shows papers. Your appointment doesn't. Thanks. Well, I

to be callous, Tom, but after all, you have been walking around here the past

couple of weeks as if you were boarding Air Force One.

I happen to be very honored. And so you should be. I just don't want you to be

naive about it, that's all.

Wait a minute. What are you talking about? Tom, let's just look at the

reality of this. The governor's been under a lot of fire recently because of

couple of key appointments, right?

I suppose. Well, the last thing in the world he wants is a scandal, right?

Okay. And in the middle of all of this, someone on the Board of Education

resigns. What would you do?

Well, hire someone safe, I guess.

Tom Bradford, an inexperienced but popular columnist who incidentally has

recently published a series of columns on the importance of education.

Now, it isn't important why I got the appointment. Now I'll be able to do some

of the things I've been writing about. I mean, a public education is important

enough to warrant the attention of the press.

I agree, Tom, but don't expect so much of it. of Watergate.

Yeah, but you are planning to cover my press conference today, aren't you? Of

course. Thank you.

After all, the governor will be there.

I'm telling you, Joanie, Mr. Video can find a date for anybody.

Nerds, klutzes, lowlife, even normal people.

Encouraging. All we've done is to take the techniques of computer dating and

the advantages of videotape. People can now see what they're getting.

Like a meat market.

Meat market is unfair, Joanie. We do much more than that here.

Like a deli, then.

Look, I know you're skeptical, but we've been responsible for some very

successful relationships. Oh, really?

You know, Joanie, one of our couples is celebrating their six -week anniversary.

Do you call that successful?

This is California, Joanie.

California.

Pardon me.

Tom, Barry Hopper, assistant press liaison to the governor. I'm sorry I'm

but we are running way behind schedule. Oh, I'm sure the governor has. Very

good. Now, as soon as the governor gets here, I'll introduce him. He'll make a

brief statement and introduce you. You'll make a brief statement and

me. Make your answers vague, accurate, and most importantly, brief. Brief.

Very good. Very good.

Oh, thank you.

Oh. Good news, Tom. The governor can't make it.

This could just put us right back on schedule.

Excuse me.

Could I have your attention, please?

Attention, please.

Unfortunately, the governor was called into a meeting at the last minute and

won't be able to join us today.

However, he wanted me to pass on to you how pleased he is to have Tom Bradford

as his appointee to the Board of Education and is confident that the

Rules Committee will recommend unanimous confirmation after tomorrow's hearing.

I've said enough. Now it's time for you to find out for yourself a little more

about Tom and what he stands for. Tom?

And I enjoy men who are compassionate and dedicated and who are sensitive

to the needs of others.

I think it sounds like I want to go out with Cardinal Cushing.

Nonsense. That's a great tape.

Well, what happens next?

We put your tape in the new materials section of our computer date bank.

That's the first place our regulars look when they come in here.

Well, do they come in often?

Are you kidding?

By this time tomorrow, 40 or 50 of our clients will have seen your tape. How

many? Yeah.

Meanwhile, you can be doing a little looking on your own. Okay.

Now, here's a list of names the computers determined you to be

Right here.

Henry had a wine tromb.

This is California, Joanie.

California.

What sort of reading material do you feel the student should be exposed to at

the grade school level?

Well, all kinds, really.

But only if they're wholesome and have value, of course.

Including those of an entertainment nature?

Yeah, I don't see why not.

But only in addition to their regular textbooks.

It's like a newspaper.

I don't mind my 11 -year -old son reading the comics just so long as he

look at the front page.

Oh, well put, Tom. Well put.

I'm afraid we're out of time. Thank you all for coming.

Hi. Hi.

How'd it go?

Well, it was interesting.

Interesting how?

Like the same way it's interesting to watch the judge's face when he sentences

you to the electric chair. You're exaggerating. Me and one reporter is not

exaggeration. The worst part is it was the reporter from the evening tribute.

Well, maybe he'll give you a good write -up.

Here's the paper, Mr. Bradford. Oh, yes, thank you. Nicholas, I want to talk to

you about your behavior this morning. Yeah, you made the front page. Jeremy,

that's wonderful, but I want to talk to Nick. What? The front page? Yeah, the

front page. The front page!

Oh, no.

Tom, if the Register printed an article defending you against the trip, it would

just look like favoritism. But it would clear up the facts.

I don't know about that. It might acquaint more people with a misquote.

All right, you may be right. But let me just point out one thing. If the

Register reporter had stuck around long enough to digest his free donuts, this

whole thing might never have happened. Tom, I'm sorry. It was a very busy news

day. Oh, let me guess. The chimpanzee was so happy with his hot tub that he

opened up his own spa.

Grand openings are very newsworthy, Tom.

I promised to cover your confirmation, and I'm going to do it. But you also

promised to have a seasoned reporter, no rookies.

A seasoned reporter, Tom.

Thank you.

None of them wanted to go out with me?

None? Hey, relax, Joanie. You only picked seven names.

But there were only eight on the list.

Look, Joanie, don't take this so personally.

I mean, four of these guys are already involved with somebody.

One will only go out with girls with tattoos.

Another's in the hospital with a ruptured lip.

Well, that's only six. What about the other one?

He's got his heart set on Henrietta.

Look, Joanie, don't be discouraged. The compatibility list is only the starting

point. We have over 300 male clients here, Mr. Video.

Okay. That's my girl.

Why don't you check back with me around 1 o 'clock?

A lot of the regulars stop in during their lunch hour to check out the new

material. Okay. Around 1.

You're bound to have something by then.

I just know it.

Tom. Tom, I'm sorry I'm late, but we're running way behind schedule.

Very good.

Tom, before the hearing begins, there's something I think we need to talk about.

Yes, last night's paper.

Tom, this appointment is very important to the governor. We'd like to see it go

smoothly. Now, you know as well as I do that the Tribune distorted what I said.

Yes, they did, but you have to be aware of that possibility every time you open

your mouth. Look, I always say what's on my mind. I do it in my columns, and I

will continue to do it on the Board of Education.

I'm not asking you to compromise yourself, but there are several

to say the same thing. Some ways are safer than others, right?

Very good. Let me remind you of one thing. I am not a politician.

I don't care about the governor's political problems. I accepted this

appointment for one reason, to help improve the public school system in this

state. And all I ask is you do not blow the opportunity.

Any trace of scandal, any minor slip of the tongue has the potential of

mushrooming. We better get going. The schedule, you know.

Oh, you have the schedule. Yes, let's go.

Sit down, Nicholas.

You know why you were sent to my office?

Because you were lonely?

Think hard.

Because I told Mrs. Rogers to sit on it?

That was very good, Nicholas.

Very good.

Thanks.

Now maybe you can answer another question.

What do you think I should do about this situation?

Let bygones be bygones.

Nicholas, for the last two days, your behavior has been deplorable.

The only reason you haven't been sent here earlier is because of your clean

record.

So what's the problem?

Overcrowding.

That's it.

Too many people make me tense.

I see.

You're sure now. That is the problem.

Well, I think I can help you out, Nicholas.

How would you like me to fix it so that you can be away from all those other

kids once in a while?

That'd be great.

Then it's settled.

For the next month, you will stay inside during recess.

Then while everyone else is outside playing ball and getting on each other's

nerves, you can really have a chance to be alone.

On second thought, I think the problem is a little more deeper than just

overgrowth.

But see, you don't understand.

I don't want it. Nicholas, sit on it.

Now, you won't have to worry about Senator Thiel. He'll just ask a lot of

questions like, have you ever been a member of the Nazi party?

You haven't, have you?

Of course not.

All right, now, Senator Braff is another story. You'll think he's in a coma, but

don't let that fool you. Well, I've never been fooled by a comatose person

life. Very good. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, Cal.

Cal Fitzpatrick.

Hi, Tom Bradford. We worked together years ago.

Don't remember you.

It was on the old Gazette. I was just a cub reporter and you were... Don't want

to remember you. Tell him we're going to be late. Oh, gosh, I thought you were

retired. Just doing Elliot Randolph a favor.

Elliot? Got called shorthanded.

Needed a man to cover some hearing.

We really are going to be late.

Well, not this hearing. Yeah.

Some joker named Tom... Tom... Tom Bronson!

Told you, I don't remember yet.

Come on, let's go. But, no, it could be worse. At least I heard the guy from the

trip isn't here.

Johnny? Huh? How's the story coming?

Oh, it's great, Jeff. It's great. I think you were right. It's going to be a

really interesting piece.

You still don't have a date, huh?

Yeah, that's what makes it so interesting.

Hey, come on. Cheer up.

I'm sure someone will go out with you.

There's a lot of hard -up guys out there.

Thanks a lot, Jeff. I feel better already.

Mr. Bradford, um...

Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Nazi party?

No.

Would you like to be?

No.

Have you ever seen Hogan's Heroes?

Begging the senator's pardon, but I don't see how this has any bearing on my

appointment.

But obviously the senator is more experienced in these matters, so I will

to your good judgment.

Mr. Bradford, what was this garbage all about in last night's paper?

Comics in school.

Oh, yes. I'm glad you brought that up, Senator.

And I'm especially happy that there is a representative of the press here to see

that the record is straight.

Oh, for God's sake.

Hi. Hi. I'm Bruce Taylor. I'm with the Tribune.

I'm doing a feature article on your dad. Mind if I ask you a few questions?

What kind of questions?

Just biographical stuff, when he was born, where he grew up, things like

Well... I'd really appreciate it.

See, if I go back to my editor empty -handed, he's going to come down on me

pretty hard.

Oh, I guess it couldn't hurt. Come on in. Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Well, Mr. Bradford, I think that covers everything.

You'll know our recommendation in a few days.

Fine. However... Yes, Senator?

I, for one, am going to vote that we recommend unanimous confirmation.

You are?

We need men like you and State Government Bradford, people who will set

moral example to the youth of today.

Thank you, Senator, and I won't let you down.

This committee is now adjourned until 3 p .m. tomorrow.

It went well, huh?

It went better than well. Raph is the chairman. He carries a lot of weight.

You're practically a shoe -in.

Congratulations, Tom. Thanks. Nice to laugh.

So that's it? That's it.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Ah, I have, uh... Just one more question, Elizabeth.

What kind of a father would you say your dad is?

I don't know.

He's kind and he's patient.

You know, he's a good father.

And he's always set a good example for us kids.

Always? Yeah, always.

Not according to my sources.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think you do.

No, I don't.

Okay, I'm just going to have to write the article with the information I have.

Unfortunately, it's going to make him look sort of bad.

Well, thank you for your time, Elizabeth.

Wait a minute.

You wouldn't be talking about that ridiculous stock merger, would you? I

that's the only possible thing. That's exactly what I'm talking about. But

according to my sources, it wasn't so ridiculous.

Oh, come on. He didn't even know that he owned it. It was all a big mix -up.

You don't believe that, do you?

Of course I do. You should have heard him scream when he found out that the

place was a... Porno theater?

Porno theater?

Dad, wait a minute.

I can't believe this.

Daddy, you're tricking me. Porno theater.

Daddy, you didn't do anything wrong.

Well, try explaining that to all the people that read the Evening Tribune.

Bradford linked to porno theater.

Do you have any idea what this could mean to my appointment?

I'm sure if Elizabeth had known that this could possibly have happened, she

would never have talked to the guy.

Yeah, well, now they know. Now she knows. Everybody knows.

You know, this appointment really meant a lot to me.

Look, kids, in the future, please, don't talk to the press. Just tell them no

comment. But, Dad, wouldn't that look like we're trying to cover something up?

Maybe, but it would be a whole lot better than uncovering something like

How much longer do I have to keep this up?

So you permanently change everybody's opinion of you.

Stop now and I just think it was a stage.

But it's a lot of hard work getting everyone disgusted.

You think I don't know?

Sometimes I feel like chucking it all myself.

Really? Yeah, but then I think of the alternative.

I'd be nice.

Jeremy, I don't think that's possible.

That's easy for you to say. You like me. What about the others? Before you know

it, they'll be petting me like a chihuahua.

People can be cruel.

Hey, well, Nicholas, don't stop. Anything worth doing is worth doing

right? Right.

Now, when's the last time you took a shower?

Two days ago.

Good. You should start to smell soon, which will help.

I think you're just feeling sorry for yourself. Well, how would you feel?

I'm sure there's a very simple explanation why you haven't been able to

date. Yeah, I'm sure there is. A kind of boring personality, unattractive

features, big pores.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, I didn't expect you to understand, Jeffrey.

You have six tiny, cute little pores.

Are you forgetting something?

Are you forgetting that I, the tiny, poor trout, happen to have a very big

on you? Doesn't that say something?

Yeah. What?

You had to settle. Oh, come on. This is crazy.

Crazy? Then can you explain why 300 klutzes, nerds, and lowlifes have passed

by? Yes.

You're too sophisticated for those people. They see your tape, they get

scared.

Scared? No, I don't mean scared like that. I mean frightened.

No. No, frightened's not what I meant at all.

Horrible. No.

Disgusting. No, Joanie, come on. Look, why do you say we just can the whole

story, chalk it up to a fluke, and let it go at that?

Repulse. No.

I'll get a thesaurus.

Tom, are you going to talk to Nicholas?

Tonight. Right now I'm going to have a little talk with our Tribune reporter.

You know, I think you were a little rough on the kids last night.

Yeah, I guess I was. But they've got to realize the implications of something

like that. If these things keep happening, it's going to put the

jeopardy.

Hello?

Yes, just a minute.

It's Barry Hopper.

Barry, I guess you heard.

You could say that. Half the reporters in Sacramento are outside my office.

It's a distortion, Barry, a big distortion.

You can check the facts yourself.

I already did.

Now, look, I think I can smooth things over this time, but you have got to put

lid on this kind of junk.

I know.

All right.

Now, look, I did some research on that reporter from the Trib.

And I came up with something very interesting.

My column isn't up to its usual standards today.

But then, of course, I've been under a lot of pressure lately.

Mind if I sit down?

Thank you.

You know, a friend of mine from the trip told me that I might find you here.

You'll understand, of course, if I don't mention his name.

What do you want, Proctor?

Oh, well, I'm glad you asked.

Generally, I would like you to live up to your responsibility as a writer.

Specifically, I want you to stop trying to crucify me. Look, I don't have

anything against you.

They send me out on a story, I cover it.

By the time the rewrite man, the editor, get through with it, I don't know how

it's going to come out myself.

Oh, I think you have a pretty good idea.

Listen, Taylor, this appointment means a lot to me.

I think I can do a good job. Yeah, for who?

The public or your ego?

I'm trying to reason with you. I'm trying to hold on to my job. For some of

that means a lot too.

Especially since you were fired from your last job because of incompetence.

You don't know all the facts about that.

Welcome to the club.

This discussion is finished, Mr. Bradford.

That all depends.

It could be just the beginning.

My column is on page one.

Sometimes it can prove very lively reading.

It's playing pretty dirty for you, Bradford.

I agree.

But that seems to be the only kind of play that you respond to, Mr. Taylor.

This guy really wants to go out with me. He really wants to go out with you.

Okay.

Hi.

My name's Bill Kendall.

I'm afraid there's not a lot to tell about myself.

I graduated Harvard Law last year.

Barely. And my job with a local law firm keeps me pretty busy now.

Maybe that's because I haven't found the right girl to tear me away.

Anyway, I do enjoy the movies, and especially the theater.

The theater?

You're sure?

This guy wants to go out with me?

As soon as possible.

I'm pretty athletic.

I like to ski a lot. I'm just learning. I play a pretty good game of tennis.

Is something wrong?

No, no.

What's the matter? Did the truth print another story again?

As a matter of fact, they don't even mention my name.

No news story, no follow -up story, nothing.

Well, that's good. So your talk with the reporter helped.

Yeah, I guess it did.

Well, you don't seem very happy about it. Why the long face? No, no, I am

It's just, well, you know, it wasn't a very pleasant talk.

Hmm.

I mean, all the things you want to do, the changes you want to make.

You've always said that if it's important enough to believe in, it's

enough to fight for.

You're right.

The important thing is getting the appointment.

And I am getting the appointment.

It means a lot to you, doesn't it?

I always felt cheated about my schooling.

Eight grades in one room.

No college.

For someone like me to be given this opportunity, I can't let it get away

me.

I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Oh, don't worry about it.

I usually don't shriek like that. Did I embarrass you?

No, but I think it gave Juliet a heart attack. I know.

Why was such an old woman playing Juliet?

I don't know. What was Juliet doing in hell?

I had a good time tonight, Joanie. Oh, I'm glad.

So did I.

You know, Joanie, before tonight, I didn't think I'd be able to find

Oh, I know what you mean.

I could get dates, sure, but no one I could really be comfortable with.

Like you.

Really?

Then a friend suggested I try Mr.

Video. I was skeptical, of course. Of course.

I was so lonely, Joanie, I was ready to try anything.

And it all paid off tonight, in a big way.

Um... Billy, there was something I was going to tell you later that

I think is better said now.

I know exactly what you mean, Joanie. I think we're both feeling the same thing.

No, no, what I mean is why I'm here.

Why I came to Mr. Video. You see, actually... Joanie, it's nothing to be

embarrassed about. Mr.

Video brought us together.

And that's all that really counts.

For the first time in my life, I am really happy.

Nicholas, I think that we should have one of our little talks.

I'm really not in the mood, Dad.

Oh, well, now, that is unfortunate, isn't it?

Nicholas,

whatever happened to the nice, well -mannered, clean young man who used to

himself my son?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh.

Well, then let me express myself more clearly.

You are disrespectful, sarcastic, rude, fresh,

lazy, dirty, unkempt, poorly dressed, and furthermore, you smell.

Dad, I have my faults.

That's all you have to say for yourself?

Nicholas, tomorrow morning...

Either my old son comes down those stairs, or your new father comes up.

new, not -so -lenient father.

Do you understand?

I don't care what you do to me. I'm not going back to being cute. Never, no

matter what.

What?

Cute?

Oh.

So that's what this is all about.

Oh, Nicholas, that's so silly.

Yeah. Then so is your newspaper stuff.

What are you talking about?

It's the same thing, Dad.

People are trying to make you something you're not.

You don't like it, do you?

No, I don't.

Then you know how I feel.

Dad?

Mr. Hopper's downstairs. I think it's important.

into the study. We'll have a... Uh, thanks. I can't stay.

Is something wrong?

Uh, the porno story was hotter than I thought, Tom. Yeah, but you straightened

it out. Well, this time.

But we might not be as lucky the next time something like this comes up. Why

it have to be the next time? We took care of Taylor. My family knows... Tom,

ever since that story broke, my phone has been ringing off the hook. Every

reporter in town wants a Tom Bradford story now. Well, then now is the time to

tell them what I stand for, the things that I want to do. Tom, be realistic.

You're not a knight in shining armor.

In the media's eyes, you are a questionable public figure, someone to

Well, then let's change that opinion. We'll have another press conference.

It's too late for that.

You're an issue now.

That's exactly what the governor wanted to avoid.

He wants me to withdraw.

Doesn't he?

Doesn't he?

I'm sorry, Tom.

Yes, Governor, I do understand the political realities, but when you

this position, you said that you felt as strongly about education as I felt.

Well, look, if that's still the case, isn't it worth taking a chance?

Governor... I know I can win those reporters over if you'll just let me

please.

Oh, thank you, Governor. Right.

Bye.

Now, you realize the Governor is putting himself on the line for you.

I realize it. Now, the next step is a press conference at your house today.

Today? The sooner we turn this thing around, the better. But it's Saturday. I

mean... Tom, this is still a long shot.

Changing people's minds isn't easy.

We'll, uh...

We'll portray you as the innocent victim.

I am the innocent victim.

Well, good. That'll help.

Now, Tom, listen.

You have got to follow my instructions to the letter.

I understand.

This is our last chance. We can't afford one little slip -up from you or your

family. Are you sure this is the right time? Maybe he needs to be alone. No, he

needs to know what's behind him. Oh, good, you're here. The governor has

reconsidered. Tom, this is great. We're going to have a press conference here

today, and Mr. Hopper is coming over to give you all instructions.

Instructions? Well, you know, on your behavior and all.

Is Mr. Hopper concerned about our behavior? Yes, and so am I. We have to

our very best. We have to act our best and look our best. And you can't say

anything that's going to embarrass your father.

Tom, what would we say that... Come on, Abby, get the house ready. Let's go,

kid.

No, I do love them.

All of them.

Yeah.

No, it's just that I can't talk right now, Bill, okay?

And listen, would you try not to call as often?

Right, the receptionist is getting a little irritated.

No.

Disguising your voice will not help, Bill.

Goodbye.

Oh, gee.

If Ronald Reagan calls, I'm not in. I can't believe you told this guy you were

just his secretary.

Oh. Jeffrey, he said he was so lonely before he met me.

I was afraid the truth would hurt him.

I can't understand how he could be this much in love anyway.

Well, thanks a lot.

Johnny, he only had one date with you.

So?

What happened?

Tell him you're a reporter doing a story and get it over with. The longer you

wait, the worse it's going to be.

You're right.

Poor guy.

That's talking about me.

You're jealous.

Just tell it. You're jealous. Just tell it.

He's jealous.

Now, at exactly 3 p .m., the caterer will deliver the deli plates.

I've already selected three strategic locations for food placement, so you

have to worry about that.

Gee, thanks. What a load off my mind.

At 4 p .m., you should all be down here and ready for inspection. Just a word of

warning, no T -shirts, no jeans, no cut -offs, and no cleavage.

Cleavage? Exactly.

Now, at 4 .30, the Mike Sullivan Orchestra will start setting up their

about over in here, I think. We're going to have an orchestra?

Well, actually, it's just a quartet, but they have a very big sound.

Now, at five, the press will begin to show up. Greet them with a smile and a

firm handshake.

No curtsy?

No, it might look too proper.

Remember, you're just an ordinary, normal family.

Be friendly, cheerful, courteous, but above all, act natural.

Otherwise, you'll seem phony and it'll look like we staged the whole thing.

See you at four.

Now, Tom, what about the small one?

The one who called me a moron?

I'm sorry about that, Barry. It's just that, well, Nicholas has been having a

few problems.

But what are we going to do about him?

I'm sure he'll stay in his room.

Well, what if he doesn't? What if he decides to come down and spit on people?

Insult them? Who knows what?

Well, I think that Nicholas realizes how important this is to me.

Just as I realize how important this situation is to him.

I think that he realizes that you don't solve your problem by creating another

problem for someone else.

I sure hope you're right, Tom.

Yeah, so do I.

So do I.

Mr. Hopper already called, Dad.

Yes. I know how important it is, Dad.

Death.

Family unity.

No cleavage.

Dad, I promised I would be there, and I'll be there, okay?

See you later. Bye.

Bill, what are you doing here?

I tried to call, but couldn't get through.

Do you realize that operator hung up on Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford, and Richard

Nixon?

She's a Democrat.

I need to talk to you, Joanie.

I need to talk to you, too.

Is there someplace where we can be alone?

Joanie, I want... Oh, Bill, before you say anything...

There's a confession that I need to make. Joanie, I know.

What? I've known from the beginning. That's what I came here to tell you.

Well, what exactly do you know?

That you're a reporter, not a secretary, and you're doing a piece on video

dating services.

You know.

I've known all along.

Mr. Roth told me before we went out.

In fact, he hired me to go out with you.

He hired you? Why?

You couldn't get a date.

That's not very good press for a business that claims it can find dates

anyone.

And he told me to pretend that I... That you're crazy about me. But I do like

you, Joanie. That's why I couldn't keep putting you on like this. This is so

humiliating. I really am fond of you. I couldn't get a date.

So do we have to pay somebody to go out with me?

You're not...

This is good. Very good.

We're on the seventh day. He riffed.

Hey, Tom.

This is it.

Oh, well, I want to tell everybody how much I appreciate it. Better to save it,

Tom. You might peak emotionally and have nothing left for the press.

Oh, the places!

Places, everyone.

All right.

Take a breath.

Smile.

Here we go.

Hi there.

Hi. My name is Tom Rocker. Where is the dip? I'm talking about mine.

Hi.

You're here to see me.

I want something to drink.

You're too upset to go anywhere.

I promised my father. Your father will understand.

Let me take you out for lunch and convince you how ridiculous all this is.

got to get home. It's very important to him that I be there. Listen to me.

I guarantee you a date any time.

I don't even need to see your tape.

Thanks,

Jeff.

Oh, look, would you take a message for me? I'm late.

Hello?

No, she's not here, but I can... Look, I gotta tell her. It was all a mistake. A

computer error.

Computer error?

All right.

I'll have her call you.

No, thank you, honey.

Tom, Tom, meet Bill Stahl, K -U -R -D, Kurd Radio.

He's a jogging freak, you know, just like you. No kidding, just like me?

Yes, I say, maybe the two of you could run tomorrow, get to know each other.

Bill's a friend of the governor, you know.

That's a good idea. I'm up to 15 miles now. No kidding, 15 miles.

Would you like some more cheese balls?

But you see, I've decided to go to college now.

See, Dad has taught me the value of a good education.

And what about you, young man?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Well, gee, mister, I think I'd like to be a... writer, just like Mr. Bradford.

Get a little lonesome sometimes, do you? No, no, actually, I keep very busy,

and, well, whenever we're both at work, Tom and I, well, we keep very close in

spirit. Yes, well, if you ever decide to give up the ghost...

It was very nice talking to you. I have to go.

There's some in the kitchen.

Excuse me. I don't think we've met. I'm Mary Bradford, Tom Bradford's daughter.

Who? Tom Bradford. I think he's going to make a great member of the Board of

Education. Tom Bradford. The name sounds familiar.

This is Tom Bradford right here.

Say, I think I... Forget it.

Now, this is the way to throw a press conference, Tom. You're learning.

Kayla.

Being here wasn't my idea. Don't worry. I just want to hold on to my job.

Nothing more.

Joanie, where have you been? I'm sorry, Dad. I mean, everybody else manages to

get here on time. Why can't you? I'm sorry, Dad. I'm sorry.

Wait, is anything wrong?

No.

Joanie, if you don't want to mingle, you don't have to.

No, this is much more important, Dad.

Really, I'll be fine.

Tom? Oh, yes. Tom, where are you going? Well, Nicholas has been up in his room

all day. I just want to see if he's still there. Yeah, later, Tom. It's time

make a statement and take some questions. This won't take long. Tom,

running out of cheese balls and the scotch is almost shot. We'd better do it

before we lose our audience.

I think you're forgetting how important this is, Tom.

We have them right where we want them.

Let's not blow it now.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Quiet, please. Quiet,

quiet.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, Tom Bradford.

In case any of you have any plans about leaving, well, you're in trouble because

I've bolted all the doors.

You're all trapped.

I know I've had a lot of problems with the press in the past, but...

I think that today has cleared that up.

We should all work... What

an adorable

little boy.

Isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen?

I would like you all to meet my son, Nicholas.

He made a very big sacrifice tonight.

In fact, he compromised a principle that was very important to him.

I'm not sure exactly why he did it, except that he knew how important this

conference was to me.

The fact is, I've been doing a lot of compromising myself lately.

Only, not because of someone I loved.

Because of something I wanted.

You see, somewhere down the line, something happened to me.

I started wanting this appointment a little too much.

At the expense of everything else.

A seat on the board of education is a wonderful thing.

but it's not as wonderful as my principles or my family.

The education of children is a great responsibility, one that I hope that

all pay more attention to in the future.

But for me, the responsibility of my family is something that I have to pay

attention to right now.

For these reasons.

I'm announcing my intentions to withdraw my name from consideration as the

governor's appointee to the State Board of Education.

I, uh, I just have one more thing to say, and I'm afraid this is going to be

even a bigger shock to all of you.

We're out of cheese balls.

No!

We love you!

Listen, buddy, I don't want to have to say it again. My sister doesn't want to

go out with you.

Yeah, well, same to you, too.

A blank tape?

Yeah, the computer got all screwed up. Every time somebody punched my number,

all they got was a blank screen.

Oh, how good.

Oh, thanks, Nicholas.

Funny thing was, one guy saw my tape, and he almost asked me out. No, she's

interested. Mr.

Ross said he was looking for a real low -key kind of girl.

Oh.

Joanie, it's another one.

Well, you know what to do.

Right.

Another one?

Yeah. Ever since they put the real tape back in, all kinds of guys have been

calling here.

Well, I thought they couldn't call you until you looked at their tape.

Yeah, usually.

Bill Kendall thinks he's doing me a favor. He posts it on the bulletin

Johnny.

Get rid of him?

No, he's still on the phone.

Well, didn't you tell him I don't want to go out?

Yeah. Well, what does he want?

He wants to know if you have Henrietta's number.