Original subtitles

Dad? Dad?

Oh, yes?

We have to talk.

Oh, sounds serious, Nicholas.

It is.

Oh, well, what's on your mind?

Inflation.

Inflation? Oh, yes, that is a very serious problem.

I don't know what to do. I just can't make ends meet. Yeah, well, we're all

feeling the pinch nowadays, Nicholas.

However, there is a solution.

It's called conservation.

Is that the same as raising my allowance?

No, it isn't the same at all.

I didn't think it was going to be.

Conservation is one way of getting the most out of what we already have.

It means spending money on only the things that you really need and cutting

on those things that you don't.

I mean, it's a wonderful thing. You try it and you'll see that it's amazing at

how far you can stretch one little dollar.

Really? Oh, yes. It works. Trust me. The sooner you start, the better. Well,

I'll start right away.

That's terrific, Nicholas.

Will you help out?

Of course.

Great. I need one little dollar.

It's a portrait of the happiness that we'll

and always will.

We'll wait enough to fill our lives with love.

Oh, we spend our days like bright and shiny new dawn.

If we're ever puzzled by the changing time.

There's a plate of homemade wishes on the kitchen window

sill.

And it is enough.

Yeah, right down the street.

Can you believe it?

Yeah, they're playing Snow White.

All right, Dad.

Hey, look, Barry, I gotta go.

Nicholas!

Nicholas!

Johnny, Nicholas is the short one, Dad. Oh, that's very funny, Johnny. He was

supposed to be down here ten minutes ago. We have an important appointment.

Could we talk about it later, Dad? I've got a job interview, and I'm really

late. You have a job interview?

That's terrific.

What's the job? What's the company?

Why don't we talk about it later?

I'm sure. Get serious.

Larry Nesbitt actually saw it?

Give me a break.

Tommy, give me a break, please.

Nicholas!

Yeah, Nicholas is exactly ten and a half years old today, and that's...

It's kind of the age that you become a man around the Bradford house.

Well, yeah, I guess it's sort of like a bar mitzvah, only instead of getting a

party, you get to mow the lawn.

Right. Okay, later.

Finally.

Hello?

Yep, just a second.

Nicholas, Kenny P. Landers.

Why do I get the feeling that this family has a secret communications code

I'm the only one without security clearance?

I don't know, Dad. You want me to get the lawnmower? Yes, I do, but I want it

be a very smooth transition. I want you to teach him every day until he can

handle the job all by himself.

I know.

You're the teacher. I want you to be as patient with Nicholas as David was with

you. Hey, no sweat. Anything short of strangulation, I got it made.

Nicholas! Right, Dad.

Yeah, Kenny, I hit it.

No one will find it in a million years.

You really think that little box is going to tell us if Marsha's going to

baby?

Well, I guess if it works on people, it should work on a hamster.

No, no, I didn't call your mom a hamster, Kenny. I said that... Oh,

I'll call you later. See you.

Nicholas, we're waiting.

Hey, pal, you're just going to mow the lawn. It's not that bad.

Yeah. Look at it positively.

Accepting the reins of the lawnmower symbolizes the first step towards

adulthood. Why, Nicholas, before you know it, you'll be accepting bigger and

more important challenges.

I will?

Oh, absolutely.

Like what?

Like the laundry. Like the lawn... No, not... Thanks!

Come on, killer, to the gallows.

Hand towels there.

Pretty little guest towels there.

Ugly everyday family towels go there.

Great. No room.

Okay.

Push.

Excuse me.

Congratulations.

Hey, sweetie.

Listen, did I ever thank you for recommending me?

Last night at the rep company, I once every ten minutes... Oh, well, excuse

I really do mean it, Laura. You could have suggested anybody for this job, and

you picked me.

You deserve it. You're the best actress I ever worked with.

Oh, what a friend.

Thank you.

Listen, are you ever going to let me be on camera?

Don't count on it. The main thing is that the hours here don't complete with

repertory company, and the TV station will look great on your resume when you

join me in New York. Oh, New York. Oh, I envy you. I wish I could be there right

now. Well, keep this job, save the money, and we'll be attacking Broadway

you know it. All right, Broadway, here we come.

Listen, I've got to go. I'll see you at the rep company this evening. Hold on.

Excuse me. Before you bump into your boss, Jeff, this is Joni Bradford.

be taking over the research desk.

Jeffrey Trout, weekend anchor, investigative reporter, muckraker

Three copies.

He'll be working mostly for him.

Bradford, huh?

Are you any relation to Tom Bradford at the register?

My dad.

Oh, that's something.

He ever tell you that research is boring, tedious, and very hard work?

Oh, yeah, he's mentioned it a few hundred times.

Mr. Trout, I know what I'm getting into. I have no illusions.

Good.

Now, that's a new headache right there.

And you won't mind your first assignment, Bradford?

No, I won't.

Cream and sugar or black?

Black.

Joanie, well, you couldn't make me happier or prouder. I tell you the

never wanted to mention this before because I didn't want to put anybody

any kind of pressure.

But I was always hoping that one of you might someday choose journalism.

Yeah, well, I think it's great, too, Dad, I do. But remember, it's just a

still want to be an actress.

I always said that, too.

What? You wanted to be an actress?

Oh, yes, that would have been a very good one.

But journalism can get into your blood.

You'll see, newspapers can change people's lives, shape world events.

Yeah, but I'm not working for a newspaper. I'm working for Jeffrey

remember? Yeah.

Now, remember, that's the only unfortunate part of the whole thing. Oh,

you're not being fair to him. His stories are immediate, visual.

Shallow, sensationalistic.

Do I detect a touch of professional jealousy?

What? Now, why would a professional journalist ever be jealous over a

professional huckster?

Dad.

Hi,

Abby.

I was just taking a break and, oh, I thought maybe you could use the company,

you know?

Oh, thanks, Mary, but at the moment I'm up to my neck in theories of testing.

You know, someone should really do something about that linen closet.

Uh -huh.

Well, it's either shrinking or the towels are cloning themselves.

Right.

I mean, Abby, there's no room.

I have to use the fifth shelf, you know, the high one, the fifth shelf.

Right, the one above the fourth. Right.

That's the one. You know, that would make a great hiding place if someone

to hide something.

Which someone obviously did, which you obviously discovered. So would you just

get to the point, Mary?

To the point, right.

Okay, I'm getting to the point, Abby. It's just that I don't know how to

approach it. I mean, things got a little touchy around here the last time you

thought you were pregnant.

Pregnant?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about this.

It's one of those do -it -yourself testing kits, you know. It tells you

you are or you aren't.

Well, I definitely aren't. It's not mine.

It isn't? No.

Well, it definitely belongs to somebody in this house.

Gee, Abby, I... Susan!

Right, I mean, she's staying with us while Merle's out of town, and... And

is married.

So it must be Susan.

I hope.

So, Nicholas, how was your first lesson with a lawnmower?

I'd rather talk about something else.

Oh, well, there's nothing like a good movie to take a man's mind off his

troubles. I mean, imagine Snow White playing in our neighborhood. It's just

fortunate that I overheard Tommy talking about it on the telephone.

But it's a kid's movie, Dad.

Oh, nonsense.

It's a classic. It transcends all ages.

What's a classic?

A classic is something that's considered very good that's been around a long

time.

Yes. No, not like me.

That's not what I mean.

Five dollars.

Boy, oh boy.

Two, please.

Thank you.

Let's go, Nicholas. At these prices, I don't want to miss a second.

I swear, the last time I came to this theater, the tickets were only two

dollars.

Keep moving.

Look like you're dead. Don't look back.

And what? I didn't get to see anything.

I certainly hope not. Why?

Because. Because why?

Because just keep moving.

How can you eat with a pornographic theater in your own neighborhood?

Pass the bread, Dad.

It's absolutely appalling. I mean, to think that moral turpitude, out -and

decadence is spreading this close to your own home.

Hey, better late than never.

See this, Abby? And it's even influencing our children.

It was just a joke, Tom.

Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?

No, I don't. And what's more, I don't understand this apathy to the whole

situation. I really don't. I'm sorry, Dad. We just don't think it's such a big

deal. Well, if it bothers you that much, Dad, why don't you use the First

Amendment to fight it? Your typewriter's your best weapon.

Power the press, right?

That's a very good idea, Joanie.

Leave it to the journalistic heir apparent to turn the tide of emotion

constructive activity.

I'll get to it in a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks?

I thought you said it was urgent, Dad.

Yeah, out -and -out decadence, remember?

Well, please, I'm writing a six -part series on urban transportation.

That's important, too.

I can't change horses in midstream now, can I? That would be irresponsible.

Well, hey, Dad, since Nicholas will be mowing the lawn soon by himself, I'll

have some free time. Maybe I could help you out.

Oh, really?

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, Tommy.

What could you do?

Research. I kind of always wanted to be a journalist.

I mean, I could hang around the theater.

Observe. Take notes.

Just trying to help.

Looks like you need a good joke. What's wrong?

I'll live.

My corporate spying story just got temporarily shelved. Oh, you didn't like

I loved it. I don't understand.

Ratings, Bradford.

Ratings. Big week is coming up. He doesn't think this has got enough

impact to get the big numbers.

Well, what kind of story does?

Anything that hits a lot of nerves. Child abuse, social injustice, political

-off. What about pornography?

Sometimes, sure.

Oh, I sure hit a big nerve on my father the other evening.

You must have run across something big.

Well...

Well, he kind of stumbled into it. Our neighborhood theater turned porno, and

didn't know a thing about it until he took my little brother.

That can hit a lot of nerves.

Yeah.

A lot of nerves.

Is he going to do a column?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

He's not going to do it for a couple weeks, though. He's got a series to

Joanie, if this story, the pornography story, were being done on television,

would you handle it?

How would I handle it?

I don't know.

Let me see. Maybe it could happen in your neighborhood

kind of angle. You know, what kind of person pushes smut in the neighborhood?

You're catching on, Bradford. I am. Thanks.

Let's do it. What?

It's just what we're looking for.

Perfect for the ratings period.

My father's doing it. In a week or two.

Do you want me to scoop my own father?

I couldn't do that.

He'd do it to you in a second, kid.

He's a professional.

So are you, I think.

I don't know. I don't know.

Bradford, let me put it to you another way.

You're still on probation here.

A story like this could cinch you a permanent job. It might even get you a

at reporting on camera someday.

Think about it.

Nothing major.

Just make it a small, simple ceremony. Just the family.

Your stomach?

Yeah.

Has it been going on long?

Seems like forever.

Have you told Merle?

Susan, I know I've told you this before, but, well, if there's ever anything

that you needed to talk to somebody about, a problem, you know, even though

you're married now, well, you know I'm still here, don't you?

I know, Abby.

I mean, from my own experience early in my marriage, well, I know that things

have a way of getting blown out of proportion when they're difficult to

about.

Susan?

Is there anything?

I'm sorry, Abby. It's just so hard to concentrate.

All I keep thinking about are those disgusting sunflower seeds backstroking

through the rancid yogurt on their way to the Brussels sprouts.

Brussels sprouts?

Right next to the alfalfa.

You mean it was a health salad?

That's a very loose interpretation.

Oh.

So.

Nicholas, why don't you tell me about Snow White?

What about it?

Oh, you know, how the story goes.

I kind of forgot.

You really want to know?

Sure, why not? I mean, it'll kill a few minutes.

Okay.

See, there's this princess, and her name is Snow White, and her stepmom is a

real drag.

Not like Gabby. Why don't you skip to the good part?

You mean the part about the woodsman guy?

Yeah, right.

Well, he likes Snow White too much to bump her off, see?

So he brought her to this house with a whole bunch of midgets in it.

Midgets? What happened to the sailors?

Sailors? Nah, you're thinking about Popeye.

Nicholas, what I'd rather hear about is the other Snow White. You know, the one

that Dad took you to see.

Oh, that one.

I didn't get to see nothing.

You didn't see anything?

Dad's hand.

That's it?

Well, maybe a little bit.

Yeah? On his elbow.

Oh.

One welfare employee was overheard saying the system just doesn't work the

it should.

The little Tina here, it doesn't work at all.

She may not know much about politics, but she knows what it is to be hungry.

From downtown, this is Jeffrey Trout, Channel 8 News.

This is Jeffrey Trout, Channel 8 News.

What a lot of humbug.

Eye contact's not bad.

Your delivery's going to need a lot of work, though.

Hi, did you see that stunt?

What a sensationalist.

Come on, Dad.

You said you were going to give Jeffrey a chance to be a little more open

-minded. I know, but I hate that kind of an approach to a story.

Don't you?

It was partly my idea.

Oh.

Well, it's bedtime.

Yeah.

Dad, I've been reading some of your journalism books lately. Oh, yeah?

terrific.

You know, I like especially the one about Pulitzer.

He really knew how to scoop the other papers, didn't he? Oh, yeah. Well, those

were the golden days of journalism.

Was it ethical, though, scooping?

Mm -hmm. Getting there first is the name of the game.

Survival of the fittest.

That's what makes it so exciting. I see.

Oh, hey, Nicholas, it's getting late, you know. I'm practically in bed.

How's the pornography story coming, Dad? Oh, well, in about a week. I'm really

anxious to get to it.

Dad, what would you say if I told you you're about to be scooped?

Oh, well, I'd say, who?

You mean the pornography story?

You?

Wow, you learn fast.

That'd be too fast.

You want me to back off?

Oh, no, no, no, of course not. Business is business.

But I want you to promise me one thing.

I want you to do the story right, in depth.

No stunts for Mr.

Trout.

I'll try, Dad.

Thanks.

Good night, honey.

Good night.

I can't help it, Kenny.

I've been too busy learning how to mow the dumb grass.

Now she's okay.

Keeps running around in circles.

That mean anything?

What's labor?

Abby? Are you sure it's not Susan?

I don't think so.

Great. Now what?

Well, we continue the investigation.

Delicately.

I don't think there's a problem.

But if there were... You know, you're right. I mean, it's...

It's just much better to be on the safe side. I think we should keep this

between us, okay? I mean, there's no sense in worrying your father until we

something concrete.

You mean as in, who is she?

And is she?

Nicholas, are you listening to me?

Okay. Now, lesson number two is safety.

Tommy, is lesson number two going to be as boring as lesson number one?

Nicholas, look, I don't like this any more than you do. But if you blow it,

blames me, so just listen up, okay?

Okay, but try and make it interesting.

Yeah. All right, rule number one is never get your hands or your feet near

blades. Rule number two is always watch where you're mowing.

Rule number three... Tommy.

What, Nicholas?

This is getting boring again.

No, I don't think that'll affect it.

Okay.

Thank you, Mrs. Elman. Right. Goodbye.

What'd you pick up? Well, Mrs.

Elman at the county clerk's office says that the mortgage on the Royal Gator is

held by a public corporation.

That's it?

20 minutes, you were on the phone, you didn't get a name?

American Unified Enterprises, 4224 Rarecrest Drive.

That's very good, Bradford. Right.

Don't start looking too pleased with yourself, because you're just beginning.

I am?

That's right.

Corporations are faceless. There's nothing for the viewers to hang their

emotions on. You said it yourself the other day. I did.

Who would peddle smut in your neighborhood, right?

I want a list of every single stockholder in that corporation, no

small.

You'll get him, Mr. Todd. You'll get him.

Lori, this is Joni.

Help.

Hi. Hi, Lori.

Pickle?

Nancy! Nancy, you're eating a pickle!

What's wrong with a pickle?

You want to tell me about it?

Why would I want to tell you about it?

Well, because, uh, because I'm willing to listen.

Are you still dating that dental student?

Huh?

Leonard? Yeah.

I only had one day with him.

He was a real creep.

He wouldn't believe it. He had to floss his teeth before he would kiss me

goodnight.

Well, Nancy, who's the lucky guy these days?

Mary. I don't understand your sudden interest in my pickle or in my social

But if you really must know, it's been slow.

Real slow.

Oh.

Well, I was just curious.

So if you're trying to set me up with someone, the answer is yes.

Mayor, I'm desperate.

The truth of the matter is I haven't seen anyone in a long time.

You haven't seen anyone in a long time?

What's so funny?

Don't ask.

She's flipped.

She's flipped.

You don't know how you saved my life when he told me to get all the memes.

Stockholders. I didn't know where to begin, Laurie. It's easy if you know

to look. I'm just glad I had the time to find them. I stuck in a list of my

contacts, too. They'll host for the future.

Oh, thank you.

Laurie, have I told you how much I... Hey, let's not start that again.

All right.

Anyway, who has the time? I've got a story to do.

Let me see.

Stockholders.

Stockholders. Oh, this... Oh.

Oh, Adelson, Atwater, Owenski, Berman, Bradford, Brath... Bradford?

Your dad?

My dad.

Hey, here comes David. Maybe he knows how to start it. I don't need any help.

Looks to me like you need a little help. I'm doing just fine, thank you.

Have you forgotten everything I taught you? It's all in the wrist, remember?

I remember what you taught me, but it's not in the wrist. You taught me wrong.

It's in the arm.

Like this. See?

It's all in the wrist. Like this. See?

Well, that's great, I see.

I think you guys should just... Not now, Nicholas. Look, I'm a little rusty.

A couple more pulls, it ought to fire right up.

Nicholas, stay out of it, okay? It's not in the wrist. It's in the arm.

It's in the wrist.

Do you mind?

The tradition is between Nicholas and me now, okay?

I mind that you're not passing on the tradition correctly, okay?

Knock it off, will you?

Lesson three.

Rule two.

Never forget to choke it.

Hi. How you doing? Listen, I was just going to take this quick trip to the

cleaners. Do you want to tag along?

No, it's all right. You go ahead. Thanks.

You don't have to be an investigative reporter to see that there's something

wrong.

Oh.

It's that obvious.

Well, it's either that or you're getting into character for Camille.

Would you like to talk about it?

I can't, Abby. It's just, uh... It's one of those problems you just have to work

out for yourself, you know?

I'd like to help.

I know, and it's so... bizarre.

Just... There isn't one solution that's going to make everybody happy.

Thanks, anyway.

Joanie, I know what it is.

You do?

Well, I wasn't sure, of course. I just suspected, but... Oh, well, it's true. I

checked.

Abby, aren't you just shocked?

No, I mean, things like this, well, they happen, and... Well, your father...

That's what he did, my father.

Abby, that's what I don't understand. He knew I was going to do this.

He did?

Sure.

I mean, he was not too happy about it. Who would be?

But he could have given me some hint, you know, something to prepare me. Well,

Johnny, didn't he ever talk to you about this? No.

No, I think that he was just too embarrassed or something.

Well, when you were younger, didn't your mother... No, no, I don't think that

she ever knew anything about it.

Well, Johnny, that's impossible. Well, whatever the case, I mean, I certainly

didn't know anything about Dad and the Royal Theater.

The Royal Theater? I mean, it's true. It's just a few shares of stock.

But that's not the point. When it airs, he is going to be implicated anyway.

And by his own daughter.

Thanks for the shoulder, Abby.

I know what I've got to do.

Oh, wow.

Hypothetical questions are my specialty.

Shoot. Okay.

Say that you are investigating a story, and in the course of your research, you

turn up something that could hurt a close friend.

Oh, I get it. You want to see if your responsibility is to the story or to

close friend.

You got it.

It's a difficult dilemma, sometimes a very painful one.

However, I would have to say that a true professional journalist... First

consideration must always be to the story.

Oh, Dad, why are you so intent on hanging yourself?

If this is another hypothetical, you've got me stumped.

Okay, Dad, let's just stop playing games, all right?

I know.

You know.

Dad, something like this could really damage your reputation.

It might even ruin you. Joanie, what are you talking about? We're talking about

pornography.

We are?

It's specifically your part ownership in the Royal Theater.

Joanie, I don't know what you're rambling about. Dad, under the B, five

This is a computer printout of all the stockholders in American Unified

Enterprises, a company that owns your theater.

Bradford! Oh, no, no, no, no. This is a mistake. It's a computer error.

I don't know why you did what you did, but it's right there in black and white.

Now, wait a minute, young lady.

Your first lesson as a reporter, nothing is black and white. There's always a

little gray in between.

A lesson that your Mr. Trout should start to practice.

I can't believe this. Oh, Dad, don't get into that, all right? What are you

doing? What am I doing? I'm doing what you should have done right from the

beginning. I'm calling my accountant and getting to the bottom of this. If this

is true, I could be ruined.

Yes, hello, this is Tom Bradford. I have to see Sidney right away.

I don't care if he's playing Wimbledon. This is urgent.

I'm afraid there's no mistake, Tom.

Joanie's right.

Well, how can that be? I never bought stock in a theater.

Indirectly, you did.

You remember when I invested part of your tax refund about five years ago?

Yeah, sure, sure. But that was a company that makes screen doors. What has that

got to do with this?

It's really very simple. Here, have a seat.

Last year, they merged with a company called American Unified Enterprises,

in turn holds a controlling interest in a company called Trans Allied

Entertainment, which in turn owns a theater.

Simple. Now, the beauty of the merger is that the stockholders of your company

gained a lucrative bilateral realignment with the other company.

Beautiful, huh?

Oh, yeah, that's very nice.

What does it mean?

Let me put it this way, Tom.

These... Our corporations.

You with me so far?

The paperweight owns the letter opener.

Now, when the pencil cup merges with the paperweight, not only do both sets of

stockholders now own the pencil cup and the paperweight, they also own part of

the letter opener.

You got it?

But I don't want to own a letter opener.

Kenny, it's Nicholas.

Yeah, no changes, but she's been eating a lot.

Scarfed up half a box of food.

Eating for two?

That'd be great.

Twins.

You know, Elizabeth, we haven't had one of our sister -to -sister talks in a

long time.

I kind of miss them.

Yeah, I guess it has been a while, huh?

Is everything okay?

Oh, with me?

Oh, it's great.

How about you?

No problem.

Anna?

That's good.

You know, that's not exactly true.

Oh, Elizabeth, now look.

You know you can trust me, okay? And whatever the problem is, I'll help you

any way I can.

No matter what it is?

No matter what.

Okay. See if you can fix this. I think a wire's loose again.

This is it? I mean, this is your biggest problem?

Well, yeah, but that doesn't matter. You promised, remember?

Oh, I remember, I remember.

Wanda? Bradford, where have you been? I've been looking all over.

I've been feeling well, Mr. Brown. There's no time to be sick. We've got

much to do. I just got the word. What? Our story's going to lead off the

period.

Oh, that's great. Yeah, we're going to have to move fast.

We're going to shoot the stand -up tomorrow and the MOS on Wednesday. Now,

where's the list?

Huh?

Uh, you know, I think we ought to double -check that, Mr. Trout.

We could be in a lot of trouble if we make a mistake.

Joanie, there'll be plenty of time to verify the facts before I actually go on

the air to complete the story. I need the names right away.

Uh, yeah, uh... Don't freeze on me, Joanie. We both have a job to do.

I need those names, and I need them now.

Nicholas, you're supposed to be watching me. Now, how else are you going to

learn?

All I ever do is watch. I've been watching you for a week.

So you think you're ready to handle it, huh, hot dog?

Does the big bug live in the forest?

Bear, Nicholas.

All right, I guess you got to solo sometime.

But no fancy stuff.

Just do one row, turn around, and come back.

Okay, any questions?

You're positive now that there are no questions? No questions, now stop

worrying. Okay, Ace, let her rip.

I guess it's too late to ask a question.

Is

this

going to take long, Dad?

What? Oh, no, no, no. I just wanted you all to be aware of a

situation that has developed.

Sometimes we discover...

certain things about other things that we didn't even know existed

or would have when we were involved with the original thing.

It's going to take a while.

Well, of course, it's not as simple as all that.

Sometimes complications set in that inevitably lead to other complications,

I'm not making any sense out of this at all, am I? Why?

Now, look.

This is a corporation.

This is another corporation.

This is the letter opener that caused all the trouble.

Letter opener?

This isn't working, Harvey.

Nicholas, believe me, that's what we'd all like to know. What your father is

trying to say is that due to a strange set of circumstances that he knew

about, but that Joanie discovered, he... owns a

small percentage of the Royal Theatre.

You mean the one? Yeah, that's the one.

Now, I'm sure that he can count on all of us for his support.

It was an honest mistake, and I don't think we need to make anything more of

than there is.

All right, my own dad, porno king of Sacramento.

You may not like what Tommy said, but your confessional was hardly a disaster.

Oh, really?

I counted four giggles and three smirks.

Which just proves that no one in this house was totally devastated.

So Mr.

Trout breaks the story. It is not the end of the world, and we can handle what

people say.

Yeah, but how do I handle Joanie?

Joanie will understand.

Then why did she disappear before I had a chance to explain all the facts?

I don't know. I had other things on my mind the last time we talked, but, well,

she probably had to think things out.

I mean, she's in a tough spot, trapped between her job and her father.

Correction. trapped between the hard principles I expound and the low acts I

commit. They were unknowing acts.

Careless acts.

It's my money. It was my responsibility.

I tell everybody around here to watch their pennies, and I let mine go into

porno business. No wonder Joanie thinks I'm a hypocrite.

I've got to find her.

My reputation I can lose.

My daughter I can't.

Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find Joni Bradford? I'm her father.

Oh, you're Joni's father?

Yes, yes.

Jeffrey Trout.

I'm a big fan of your column. Oh, thank you. Isn't that nice?

Well, your stories are the source of spirited conversation in the Bradford

house. Well, I guess I must be doing something right.

Yes.

I have to see Joni for a minute. I know she's very busy, but I'll just be a

second. You mean you don't... I assumed you...

Would you mind stepping into my office? It's a little more private in there.

Joanie quit?

An hour ago.

Just walked out. No explanation.

I could only guess she was feeling guilty about scooping you.

No, no, no. There's more to it than that.

Much more.

What do you mean?

Did Joanie ever give you a list of the American Unified Stockholders?

No, she didn't.

Joanie had a conflict of interest.

My name is on that list.

You? Under the bees, five down.

I was as shocked as Joanie.

You didn't know?

Assassinated by a merger. Nevertheless, guilty of financial negligence in the

first degree. I wanted to fill Joanie in, and it was complicated.

That explains a lot.

Poor kid.

What a tough spot to be in.

Especially on a first assignment.

It was.

I didn't think she'd do this.

I'll get you a list as soon as possible.

Mr. Bradford.

Yes?

You know, in the light of what you just told me, this story's not as clear -cut

as it seemed.

I mean, there must be other stockholders in the same predicament.

Yeah, that's a possibility.

Well, now, that's an angle we'd be obligated to cover.

Where are you getting at, Mr. Trott? It's going to take a lot of time to...

To investigate this properly.

Time that I just can't spare at the moment.

You're saying that you're going to kill the story?

Oh, no.

No, we'll do it eventually.

Unless, of course, I get scooped.

I mean, there's a chance it could even be picked up by someone with more

intimate knowledge of the facts.

That is a possibility.

If that were to happen, I can assure you that it will be handled with complete

integrity. Of that, Mr. Bradford, I have no doubt.

After all, we are professionals.

That we are, Mr. Charlie.

That we are.

I give up. From all indications, everyone seems to be acting as normal as

I know.

Well, Abby, one thing's clear. I mean, this thing did not get into the closet

itself.

Any ideas before we throw in the towel?

Just one. I think it's time for a direct confrontation with your sisters.

Agreed. The showdown.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe they're planning a surprise party or something.

Are you kidding? For all three of us? Yeah, Elizabeth's right. I think Abby

Mary have totally flipped. Every time you turn around, they're up there having

private conference.

Well, I'm sick of it, and we're going to find out what they're up to. Yeah. Just

try to be a little subtle, okay?

Okay.

You first.

Okay, something very strange has been going on in this house. We'd like to

what it is, and we'd like to know right now.

Subtle.

Subtle. Is that what I think it is? It is.

Well, does anyone care to claim ownership?

Well, not me.

No way.

Well, don't look at me.

Hey, that's mine.

Nicholas, it's yours?

Well, actually, I borrowed it from Kenny P. Landers. And just where did Kenny

get it?

Well, it's his mom.

See, we're going to use it to find out if Marsha's going to have a baby.

Marsha, your hamster?

Yeah, maybe twins.

Isn't that great?

See, I told Kenny that we wouldn't have to hide it, but he said it makes grown

-ups nervous.

You know, I think Kenny worries too much.

I had a feeling it was going to be you.

You know, if you're trying to hide away from your troubles, you're going to have

to be a lot more clever.

No lectures, okay?

Okay.

I was at your TV station. I wanted to fill you in on what Sidney Vector had

me.

Yeah, Abby talked to me.

I'm really sorry I doubted you, Dad.

That's all right.

It was kind of a suspicious story on the surface.

Yeah, so were a lot of things.

If you don't look hard enough, which I didn't.

I guess they told you that I quit.

Yeah.

And I, uh... I was surprised. I mean, you didn't have to do that. I would have

understood. I know you would. You're a pro. I'm not.

I don't have the stomach for that.

Tony. Dad, I love you. You're my father, you know? I mean...

I mean, you understand I couldn't possibly ever do that, to do something

purposely hurt you.

If that's what it takes to be a good journalist, then it's not worth it.

Not for me, anyway.

Besides, I want to be an actress.

This is what I found out now.

Johnny, I'll let you in on something.

I don't think that I could have gone through with it either.

Oh, yes, you would have. Of all the people I know, you would have never

compromised your principles.

It's nice to think that.

But I don't know if it's true. I've been a very lucky man. I never had to.

Principles are a wonderful thing.

But so are the people that you love.

And I'm not positive that I wouldn't have done exactly the same thing.

Really, Dad?

I'll let you in on something else, too.

You'd make a great journalist.

No, I wouldn't. You have the talent and the brains and the ambition.

And most important, you know what you have?

You have... a heart.

Oh, Dad.

Oh.

Thanks.

I'll let you in on something.

Wonderful. Can you do me a favor?

I was wondering if you could come up with a title for my new column.

I have this here, but I think it might be a little flashy. What do you think?

I was a middle -aged porno king?

Dad, is it... I mean, what about the TV station? I mean, Jeffrey's gonna... Oh,

yes, yes, I forgot to tell you.

They've changed their plans.

And, uh... Well, why don't you let Mr. Trout tell you about that when you... Go

back to work.

What?

You mean they actually want me to come back?

Oh, yes.

Here's a very important special assignment for you.

It has something to do with coffee and black.

Oh.

Nicholas, are you still having trouble with the lawnmower?

Nah, it's those flowers that give me a pain.

Now listen, can I ask you a question and I want you to be totally honest?

Okay. Do you like mowing the lawn?

I hate it. See, that's what I thought.

Since I gave it to David, I've secretly missed it very much.

You're off. Oh, yes.

Do you want to give the job back? Unless, of course, you have objections

breaking family tradition.

No, I can't be flexible.

That settles it, then.

Very good.

I'll get you another job.

Now you go upstairs and have fun and mirth. And I'll finish it for you.

Okay, but there's one more thing.

What's that?

Can we stop talking like this now?

Yes, of course, Nicholas.

Oh, nothing, nothing. We're just having a business transaction.

Oh, by the way, you never told me about your latest conversation with Sidney

Vector. Oh, it went very well, Abby. You know, the column got so much attention

that American Unified called a special meeting of their board of directors.

And? And they're selling the theater. In fact, they think they might even have a

buyer, a religious group that wants to show family films.

Well, does this mean you'll get a profit?

No, no.

They've decided to reinvest the money in a little bookstore down on Thick Street

that specializes in Greek literature.

I'm glad everything worked out. I gotta go. Bye.

No, no, I'm not lying.

You should see this magazine rack.

Yeah, Arrow's Bookstore, 6th Street.