Original subtitles

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Sure you're over 40 now, but you don't want to be a cow.

And move, and move, and move it hard, unless you want a bottle

of lard.

Did you like that part where I dropped to one knee and sobbed?

Probably didn't have to do the whole routine 14 times, but I'm kind of a

perfectionist.

Perfectionist, sadist, it's a fine line!

Ow!

looking for Zoe?

She isn't here, Sean.

She gave me a message for you, but I can't spit that far.

Miss Sheridan, I'm sure if she just let me explain why I cheated on her, she'd

feel a lot better about it.

You really know women, don't you, Sean?

Sean, I have something to tell you that's very difficult to say.

The boy I'm seeing, like, exclusively.

Only the captain of the football team, class president, and the most popular

in school.

That's a good color on you, Mrs. Sheridan. It really brings out the

your eyes.

Thanks. You should see me in a dust ruffle.

Hey, Mom, check out this totally choice bear Derek scored for me at the fair.

I am majorly blitzed out.

That's funny.

Usually you're blitzed off.

Mother calufone.

That was the old Zoe.

The new Zoe's going to the prom with the most popular guy in school.

Good night, Derek.

I am so happy. I am, like, freaking out here.

It is me totally freaking out.

Dude, I know this is hard for you.

But Zoe doesn't want to see you anymore.

You don't know that.

Mr.

Doesn't know that.

This would be a lot easier if you guys just had antlers.

Both of you, out!

Now!

I'm thinking I'm on the verge of dating Ira and any walks with a woman whom I'm

almost positive isn't me.

Marianne, we can talk about this until I'm blue in the face.

Oh, look, we have.

Wait a minute, I have another call. Hold on.

Hello? Hi, Bill, it's Ira.

I thought Marianne liked me. Who's she having lunch with?

Hold on.

Marianne, who are you having lunch with?

My accountant.

Hold on.

If he touches his nose, he's asking you out.

Ira, look at Marianne.

Wait. You have mustard on your nose.

I do?

Now, if Marianne makes a baboon face, she wants to see you Saturday night at

Marianne, he says you have lipstick on your teeth.

Well, she looks pretty weird, but I wouldn't call it baboon.

Marianne, there's a bug on your head.

She wants me.

used to say whenever I wore them, you could hear the screams of a thousand

oysters?

I kind of miss that.

Do these earrings say nibble or bite?

I don't know, but that searchlight around your neck says rob me.

Sybil, I have the most perfect evening planned with Ira.

And every time you say that, a different part of my body shakes.

Hey, Mom, if you get lonely tonight, MTV is rerunning Mariah Carey unplugged.

Thanks, Zoe.

But I don't have time for coma.

I've finally got a night to myself, and I can't wait.

I'm going to order food in, read the newspaper front to back, and take a nice

long dip in Lake Mead.

Oh, God, that's dark. Somebody let him in?

I can't breathe.

I'm going to cough up my heart. I just know it.

So if you had a full -on psychotic break, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?

Like, of course.

Do I look okay?

You look...

Fair.

Thanks, Mom.

How about me? How do I look?

You look, uh...

Well, I just happened to be in the neighborhood because you called and

this food.

Nice hat.

Doonesbury's kind of funny.

Want to read it?

Come in, come in.

Mmm, nice view of the valley.

Judging from your tips, I imagined you'd live under power lines.

$14 .28.

What the hurry?

Come on.

How often do you get a chance... to wear a paper hat.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid if I accepted this, it would compromise our waiter

-client relationship.

Jeez, what a grouch.

I'm sure you've got some big, exciting plans.

As a matter of fact, I do. Mommy Dearest is on TNT tonight.

I know what you're thinking, how cliche, but please, it is so funny.

I've got it on tape.

Zoe gave it to me for Mother's Day.

You have popcorn?

And Kahlua.

Wow, Marianne, nobody's ever done anything like this for me before.

When you said you'd take me to dinner, I never expected a private jet to San

Francisco. I've looked forward to our first date for a long time.

Pinch me.

Yeah, this does kind of seem like a dream.

No, I mean pinch me.

I've looked forward to that for a long time, too.

Caviar? Uh, not right now, thanks. You hate caviar, don't you? Oh, why did I

caviar? Why?

Why? Marianne, it's fine.

I'll have some later.

Oh, that is so cute.

I can see all the little veins in your cheeks.

It's just my ears. They get blocked whenever I fly.

Do it again.

I know what you need.

Stuart, we're ready for a bit of entertainment.

Matt? Yes, Ira?

It's Michael Feinstein.

And I bought him just for you.

I don't know what to say.

How about...

I think of you whenever I hear this song. When the hell do you ever hear

song?

Stop trying so hard.

Just be yourself.

Really?

Yeah.

This is your pilot. San Francisco's fogged in.

We're going to be circling for a while until we're cleared for descent.

Circling? That's almost spiraling. Oh, my God.

Relax, Ira.

We're spiraling to a certain death and you're offering me cheese?

Is that brief?

We talked about this, Feinstein. You eat up front with the pilot.

Boy, that mommy dearest really holds up.

Now, I don't mean to say that those beatings were justified.

But she did have a point about the wire hangers.

I have these little Holly Hunter moments.

I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend.

Ex -boyfriend.

He dumped me.

Maybe we should watch the movie again.

Listen, when I divorced Jeff, I thought I'd never meet anyone else.

And then I met Ira.

And when I divorced Ira...

I thought I'd never meet anyone else.

And I haven't.

Feel better?

Not really.

Tonight's a bad night.

My ex is having a party at our old apartment with his new boyfriend.

I'm gonna go home and listen to all my Joni Mitchell albums.

Don't you sit at home and be a victim.

You... Crash that party and be a murderer.

Seriously, you walk in there and say, I'm going to be just fine without you.

Have a nice life.

Where's the dip?

Tell you what, you want a date, you got a date. I'm taking you to that party.

Not in that outfit, you're not.

I'm glad we left that prom because it was so over.

Well, after I was crowned king, there wasn't much reason to stick around.

I wish you would have won too, but I guess nobody really knew who you were

you started dating me.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes, I totally want to get it over with.

I mean, the checking into the motel part.

I'll take care of it.

You just hang here.

I am, like, so psyched.

Hi.

Where's Henry VIII?

What are you doing here, you big goobatron?

I haven't slept in three days, and the shirt I stole from you, it's starting to

lose its smell.

I don't wear it.

That would be weird. I just smell it.

Whatever.

Zoe, I know I really messed things up with you, but that's no reason to go and

do the same stupid thing I did.

The same thing? I don't think so.

I'm going to sleep with my actual boyfriend, not cheat on him with a

Zoe, if you ever cared about me, please, let's go somewhere and talk.

Before you do something, I'll regret the rest of my life.

The limo driver will take us wherever we want. I just gave him 600 bucks.

You gave him the money you were saving to buy a research ship?

Okay, I'll go.

But I'm in charge and I get to leave whenever I want.

So it'll be just like old times.

It's wonderful.

It's marvelous.

You should care for me.

Enough already.

It's miserable.

It's lousy. Hey, we're all gonna die, pal. At least play taps.

Why, Ira, one would almost think you weren't enjoying yourself.

How can I enjoy myself?

This guy won't stop with the Gershwin. The plane is losing fuel. And you tell

me, are my ears bleeding? Because I definitely feel seepage.

This is your pilot.

Due to fog and fuel considerations, we're going to have to turn around and

back to Los Angeles.

Thank you. At long last, this wretched fiasco will be over.

Wretched fiasco?

I've spent a small fortune tonight to watch that stupid little face of yours

swell up.

That's a wretched fiasco.

Well, you could have taken this stupid little face to a movie.

Oh, that's a nice first date. Sitting in a crowded multiplex, paying $3 .50 for

a lousy bag of popcorn. Where's the value in that?

Well, where's the value here? You spent a fortune on a total disaster.

Oh, that's it. You pompous ingrate. Go sit in coach.

I'm back, everybody.

Any requests?

Shut up.

People at these Hollywood parties are so plastic.

Her name is Magdalena.

My ex and I took her on vacations, posed with her for Christmas card photos.

She was the daughter we never had.

That's really bizarre.

I like it.

Oh, there he is.

And he's wearing those pants.

Wait a minute.

It's okay.

You're wearing those pants.

I'm so glad you came.

I know this is kind of awkward, but I hope we can still be friends.

Well, that's what we are. Friends in our pants.

And this is my friend, Sybil.

Hey, I recognize you from someplace.

Well,

I'm an actor.

I know you were the mother on The Waltons.

And you're that baby that Dingo ate in the Meryl Streep movie.

There goes my last chance at happiness.

I know what you're thinking.

All the good men are either married or straight.

Hey, one over there is looking right at you.

Oh, come on. Give it a smile.

I can't.

Flirting makes me nauseous.

Maintain eye contact and bare your teeth like this.

Loosen up. You're not a lioness protecting your cubs.

Hi there.

Hi.

That's a great shirt.

Where'd you get it?

Oh, no.

I'm not falling for the clothes thing.

First, it's a nice shirt. Next, we meet for coffee, move in together, spend a

fortune at Pottery Barn, and then you leave me for a younger version of

So why don't you take a psychic message from Dionne Warwick and just walk on by?

A little too much information, but it's a start.

You know, let's get out of here. Let's go dancing.

Now? Sure, come on.

It'll be fun.

We can take Magdalena.

Okay.

We're going dancing. I think we'll need these.

Well, you said you wanted to talk, so I'd like to talk.

First off, I just want to say I'm sorry.

Caring?

As in not?

Zoe, I love you.

Laughing as I'm about to be.

Why are you talking like this?

What's happened to you?

Sean, I'm just into guys like Derek now, okay?

He's buff, he knows how to hang, and he is way more way than you.

You and Derek do stuff like we used to?

Sneak into the Hollywood Wax Museum and snap off thumbs?

Read Eastern philosophy and try to levitate?

Cheat on me while I trust you?

All I know is I love the totally independent and original person, and I

may not be able to have her in my life anymore, but...

It would kill me if she completely disappeared just because of some stupid

I did.

Look, Sean.

Let's be real. We can't ever go back.

Well, I don't mind going somewhere different.

Just as long as we go together.

I just need to go home.

More coffee, Magdalena?

She keeps looking at me. Tell her to stop.

So, Zoe, how was the prom?

It was a pitiful attempt to recreate an era that is fundamentally irrelevant to

my generation.

My baby's back!

Get off me! Yes, he's back!

Sybil, Ira and I are kaput.

He hates me, I just know it.

Now, now, people say a lot of things they don't mean when they're dry

But what did you do last night?

I went dancing with about a hundred men.

But you know the best part?

I think I have found a new friend for life.

You want arm wrestle?