Original subtitles

Pray, Mother, has the carriage arrived to take me to Fairmont Manor?

No, and tis a good thing, too, since I closed to fairly invite Lord Fairmont to

frolic with thee in the shrubbery.

Oh, Mother, all the stylish young maids are dressing thus.

Pray thee, hush, child, and Rebecca, get thee up to thy chamber and cover up thy

bounty, pronto.

Cut.

Listen, I've read a lot of Jane Austen, and I have never seen the word pronto.

Jane Austen isn't signing your check.

Aaron Spelling is.

Yeah, yeah, and I know this is sex and sensibility, but can't there be a little

less sex and a little more sensibility?

Wardrobe, more cleavage on Sybil.

This costume is so hot. I'm plumping up like a ballpark Frank.

Are you, like, mental?

It is totally arctic.

smoking in here. If I wanted carbon monoxide in my lungs, I'd go out and

a bus.

It's burning up in here.

You are like acting all weird. You are so hot and cranky.

Like when my mom went through the change.

You mean menopause?

Are you like mental?

work if you can get it. And if you get it, won't you tell me how?

I tell you, this pre -menopause is something else.

One minute I'm freezing. The next minute I'm burning up.

No one told me these hot flashes were going to be so hot.

Well, I for one find them highly amusing.

Have another one.

I will not be your menopause monkey.

Besides,

I'm starting to get into the hot flashes.

Thank goodness this will never happen to me.

Probably not, Marianne.

They say alcohol pickles the uterus.

Another martini, doctor's orders.

And where's my salad?

If I don't eat soon, I'm going to get irritable.

I guess this is a bad time to tell you your elbow is in the butter.

Ew.

Oh, gosh.

Stop, Sybil. You're turning me on.

about this premenopause. And there are a bunch of herbs that are supposed to

help. I've got teas, textures, infusions.

Yellow dock.

I think that's for hot flashes.

Gold cap is for sleeplessness.

St. John's wort. You know, you can have these burned right off.

But why are you being so medieval? Just take hormones.

Think of them as one of the perks of living in the 20th century.

Like insulin, tanning beds, personal shoppers.

But I want to try the natural approach.

Oat straw tea, dandelion root, black cohosh with sensitive breasts.

Wait a minute. I don't even have that yet.

Oh, this is too confusing. I need somebody to tell me how to mix this. I

want to get it wrong and start growing grass on my back.

When you say you're premenopausal, does that mean your friend has stopped

visiting every month?

My friend?

What are you, 12?

You know what I mean.

Aunt Flo.

Just say it out. Period, period, period.

Fresh ground volume?

Say when.

Sometimes my period is regular. Sometimes I skip a month. But lately

spotting a lot. When?

I know there are a lot of people who are really uncomfortable talking about

this, but I'll tell you one thing, Marianne.

No way am I becoming invisible when the wolf whistle stops.

I am going to become one loud, brassy, in -your -face menopause mama.

We're seated in the non -stripping section.

He cheated on me, and as far as I'm concerned, he's dead.

Okay, I won't pry.

But my question was, why is there a horse on my patio?

Beats me. I figured you were doing Circus of the Stars, and she was here to

rehearse.

They must have wandered down from one of the stables in the canyon.

Do me a favor. See if that horse has ID.

She claims she forgot her wallet and she refuses to take a breathalyzer test.

Sib, I need your help. My mother's going to be here in a couple of hours.

Nonny's coming from Florida? Oh, my God, that's so great.

Finally someone I don't have to talk down to.

Is that horse real? Well, she seems sincere.

But I've been in this town too long to take anyone at face value.

So your mom's conquered her fear of flying, huh?

It was never a fear of flying. It was a fear of sharing a toilet with 200

people.

No, Ira, that was you.

Well, where do you think I got it from?

Anyway, she's driving, and I thought it might be better if she stayed here. You

know, she'll be close to Zoe.

She's used to the guest room. She hates me.

Of course she can stay here. I love your mother. I almost asked for her in the

divorce.

Of course you love her. You're both into the same things.

Theater, music, criticizing me.

Yeah, we do know how to have fun.

Ira, that shirt makes you look like you got a chicken neck.

Ha, ha. The most intimidating woman of my life comes to visit and throw a big

joke to you.

Relax. And stand up straight.

And chew with your mouth closed. And button your shirt right.

Whoa.

We're going to learn a lot from this herbalist.

Now, if...

lot more interesting than some sterile pharmacy?

I still don't understand why you can't just take drugs instead of eating the

fungus of many nations.

Well, Western medicine doesn't have all the answers.

Some of these herbs have been around for a thousand years.

Make that two thousand.

Oh, look, this is for crow's feet. What are they, little crow's shoes?

be of assistance.

My friend has a craving to drink some dirt.

And my friend has a craving to be buried in some.

What would you recommend for premenopausal symptoms?

First, I must examine your flow of energy.

We call it Qi.

May I see your tongue?

You're talking to me.

Oh, I see stress and insomnia.

Eh?

You either had a purple Tootsie Pop or you're going to die.

Excuse me.

Did you take my Tootsie Pop?

I was saving that.

There must be something to deserve.

She looks great.

And I bet she's at least 50.

If she's a day over 40, I'll drink as much of this bark juice as you do.

You're on.

Now, Let's look at your hair.

Sure.

Um, can I ask you... Oh, never mind. It's probably too personal.

How? How old are you?

I'm 67.

Oh, right.

This must be the year of the bull.

Really? You're 67?

Well, how long have you been taking herbs?

Since June. My plastic surgeon told me they'd help me heal faster.

Why do I feel like I'm about to drink an oil change from Chiffy Lube?

Well, here's mud.

Too much vermouth.

I'm starting to develop a taste for this.

What do you say we go down and lick the driveway?

Oh, my God.

The herbs are kicking in.

I think I see a horse on your patio.

If it turns Paisley, don't worry. I'll talk you down.

Nani! Nani!

Hello!

Oh, my gosh, you look fantastic!

Oh,

goodbye, pantsuits. Hello, Gap.

And Zoe, give me that face. Give it to me now.

Still stunning.

Oh, please. Can you stay at my place? I'll split the pool boy with you.

Oh, Sybil, I love what you've done with the house.

Especially the horse.

Thanks.

Zoe, take a look in the driveway.

What do you think?

Wow, Nani, a pink Cadillac? I love it.

It's yours.

I'm screwed.

I'm here to pick up a horse.

My, you must be strong.

Hey, come on. The horse is over here. And you should be more careful. She

have been heard wandering around like that. I know. My boss already chewed me

out for almost losing 2 ,000 pounds of dog food.

What? You are not doing that to this horse.

Listen, lady, I'm just doing my job.

The fact that I enjoy it is nobody's business.

You... What's that horse?

I'm going to hold you down and sweat on you.

Hey, is that my mother driving off with Zoe in the pink caddy? They're going to

make dog food out of her.

Who, my mother?

I'm taking the horse.

Oh, you're not?

Just because she's old doesn't mean she's worthless.

She's strong, she's vibrant, and she's still got a great pair of legs. And I'm

sick and tired of people telling her to take hormones.

Where's my fan?

What the hell am I going to do with the horse?

What are you going to name her?

I don't know.

$900?

Great sound system, Nonny.

When did you start listening to Smashing Pumpkins?

Since I got tired of Hole.

Who needs Courtney Love and all her mishigas?

Hi, Mom.

Mom, what's with the khaki?

Aren't they great? When they don't ride up, you took it.

Hey, Dad, come outside and see my new car.

Whoa, Sybil.

You bought her a car without telling me? No, your mother bought her a car

without telling either of us. My mother?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

No. Oh, fine. I can't have a car, but she can have a horse.

Excuse me?

I am the parent.

I can have a horse, a cow, a pig, a whole damn barnyard if I want.

Shouldn't have done this without talking to us first. I'm sorry. You're right.

My mistake.

Hon, forgive me.

Oh, Nani.

And I loved you back.

Wait a minute.

Your mistake? Your sorry?

Is it the trick?

Ruth, this is very generous of you, but Ira and I do need to discuss it.

Absolutely. I understand.

Mommy?

Daddy?

While you're deciding, I'll do the laundry and the dishes, and then I'll go

the horse.

I like the sound of that.

I'll say.

What kind of parents are we, making our child do laundry and dishes in exchange

for a car?

You're right.

Zoe, while you're out there, grab the tub!

Oh, Ira, this is the perfect man to buy the horse. He's got a ranch in Ventura

and his dog's a vegetarian.

Great, Fib. Listen, I've been thinking about this whole car thing and I've made

up a list of pros and cons.

Cons? Insurance?

Though his hair caught in windows where his off -road hits the tree.

Prose. The car is free.

Come on in. You want to make me an offer? Sure. Give me 50 bucks and I'll

that old bag of bones down to the glue factory for you.

Glue factory?

Get off my land!

I wish I'd die before he finally started with his sentence, but are you nuts?

If you must know, I'm starting premenopause.

Oh, jeez, no. I'm too young for you to go into menopause.

This might come as a shock, Ira, but I'm not doing it for you.

Now, about that car.

And what's with my mother?

You know what she told me? She loved my book.

What kind of head game is she playing with me?

She's just enjoying her life. Did she tell you she's going to Nepal to ride a

yak? A yak?

A yak.

My mother's going to ride a yak? A yak.

The same woman who wouldn't take me to the zoo for fear of what I'd catch?

Hey, what's that smell?

Pot.

Boy, does that take me back.

Tell us what you were doing up there.

My homework.

Did Nancy Reagan's eight years in the White House mean nothing to you people?

Hey, I'm not holding.

We're clean.

Hello, everyone.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Ruth, that's not oil of Olay I smell on you, is it?

You probably smell the grass.

You smoke pot?

Mom, it's illegal.

Bubby, chill.

It's just a little sweet wheat.

And I only smoke it once in a while.

Since when?

Dr. Friedman said it was good for my glaucoma.

And you know what?

I like it.

It's refreshing.

I'm gonna go home and get back into bed.

Maybe I woke up in a parallel universe.

Wow, Ruth.

You have turned into one fun pot -smoking yak -rodding grandma.

Well, you know, your life doesn't end just because you go through menopause.

I knew it was going to happen someday. But I get so hot and I can't sleep at

night and there's a horse on my patio and I'm sick of drinking dirt.

Trust me. The post -menopausal bliss will make you forget about all this.

liberating.

You have all this energy.

And you don't have to care what people think.

And when your kids are gone, you can do things you wouldn't ordinarily do.

Like buying your granddaughter a car without asking.

Or get a tattoo of Elmer Fudd on your ass.

No.

Left cheek. Want to see?

Fred, my dear, I'm sure there'll be plenty of eligible young men at the

masquerade ball.

Now that I've been deflowered by the wicked Lord Fairmont, I've got to get my

hoax into someone.

And you shall.

Now hike up that skirt and sally forth.

Cut. Rebecca, wedding ring. Oh, damn it.

Sorry.

Been married long?

Only 19 years.

19 years? What'd you do, get married at your christening?

I was 23.

23? That would make you way too old to be my daughter.

Yeah, well, with all the plastic surgery I've had done, I've had enough excess

skin removed to build a couple of little fat kids.

Wow.

It's got that new car smell, too.

Hi, Ma.

although that mare is not as high -strung as a yak.

Oh, you heard about my trip.

You know, since I'm going to be in Nepal anyway, I thought I might swing by

Morocco and check out the club scene.

Mom, you've changed a lot.

You're not the same woman who threatened to kick me out of the house unless I

cut my hair. That woman didn't smoke pot.

Not because of the pot or the lewds.

Mom!

Don't be a putz. I just wanted to see if you were listening.

By the way, uh, Sybil and I have decided to let Zoe keep the car.

Good.

Now I can tell you you need to replace the transmission.

You probably shouldn't drive it through Louisiana.

Don't ask.

Anyway, I've left the caretaking phase of my life and entered the me, me, me

phase.

But I miss my mother.

Couldn't you just criticize me one more time? You don't have to mean it.

Sorry, Ira.

This is who I am now. Can you live with that?

I love you.

I guess I'll have to.

But if you fall off that yak and break your leg, don't come crawling to me.

Hey, Ira.

Yeah, Mom.

Get a haircut.

Thanks.

By the way, how long are you going to stay up on that horse?

What horse?

Sybil, I warned you about those herbs.

They're turning you into a hamster.

The herbs are helping. My hot flashes are better and I'm getting some sleep.

Only now I'm going to lay awake all night obsessing about that woman playing

daughter and her tight little skinny face.

How about her tight little skinny body?

And it's society's fault for making women feel ashamed for getting older.

Personally, I'm being medevaced to a Swiss clinic the second I see my first

wrinkle.

Warm up the chopper, honey.

I guess I would have a shot at more rolls if I got a little nip and tuck.

Oh, that's not the only answer.

You still have time to sleep your way to the top.

But if I were you, I'd get right on it.

But, Marianne, first you have your eyes done.

Then you have to do the pooches in your neck. Then what about the pouches under

your arm?

Then the thighs have to be sucked and the tummy tucked.

I mean, you look great for five minutes.

Then you hit a speed bump and... You have to start the whole thing all over

again.

You know what I say? You just get it all done at once.

That way, whatever they suck out, you can stick in somewhere else.

can be started on breath.

You get your breath done and they're stuck way up high in this position.

But when they're natural, they're so much more versatile.

You can wear them up. You can wear them down.

Side to side.

Round and round.

Can you throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier?

to mutilate this body just because the culture we live in tries to force women

to aspire to some impossible ideal?

And then again, never say never.

I can't believe I'm going through with this. How long do I have to keep the

bandages on?

What if it doesn't look the way I want it? Here, have a shot of courage.

Just remember, this is symbolic of the passage into the next chapter of your

life.

One peppy look you, coming up.

Make it a really small one, okay?

Excuse me, young man.

Do you also do body piercing?

Don't go away. We'll be right back.

Well, $900, we're both entering new phases of our lives.

No one's going to put us out to pasture.

Well, actually, I am putting you out to pasture.

Stop complaining.

You could have been on the back of a postage stamp by now.

Anyway, happy trails, $900.

Thank you, Sybil.