Original subtitles

If you need a break, no offense, but come stay with us at the Twin Coconut.

Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut.

Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut.

How embarrassing.

I'll say, those flowers in her hair aren't even indigenous to Polynesia.

But the coconuts look pretty authentic.

to picking him up at the airport because he's so stupid -oopy.

Oh, no, Marianne.

Your diamond fell out of its setting.

I'm bringing this to a 70s charity disco on Friday.

Hustle for the homeless.

By the way, you have got to get Ira to go with me. Dr.

Dick is bringing the new Mrs. Dick, and I want to show up in the arm of a prize

-winning novelist.

Ira in a Saturday Night Fever disco suit?

I've been there, Marianne. It's not pretty.

Bless you.

Bless you.

Shut up.

I'm sorry. It's my new perfume. I'm allergic to it.

Here's a wacky idea.

Don't wear it.

Are you insane?

It's fabulously expensive.

I'll just get an allergy prescription.

Oh, there's Mommy and Daddy.

I bet they're going to be all mooshy -gooshy -ooshy from their romantic

Yes, they are.

How was your romantic getaway?

Immensely pleasurable.

I saw God.

Where, in the bottom of that $16 can of macadamia nuts from the minibar?

Thanks for babysitting, Mom.

Bye, William.

Sweetie, let's go home and poop on Daddy's thing.

Apparently it's business as usual at my house.

We're leaving already?

The three of us in a car again. Oh, boy.

Here, Sib, I picked up your mail. Thanks, Ira. No problem. I have to drive

and Nancy home.

Wait, Ira.

Sib will ask something to ask you.

No, I don't.

Oh, right.

Ira, would you like to go out Friday night?

I'd love to.

Good. Then you can take Mary Ann to a disco fundraiser.

I'll go out with Marianne. You asked me in front of her. How thoughtful.

Oh, come on, Ira. Won't you take me to Funky Town?

It's the charity. Come on, Marianne. We've been through this already.

I simply need a trophy date to offset my ex -husband's trophy wife.

Plus, you're always complaining how you never get a chance to wear your blue

disco suit anymore.

Yeah. You know, it still fits. I tried it on last week.

I'm in.

This is going to be so much fun. And it's all for a worthy cause.

Me.

Holy cow.

I forgot all about this.

It's a letter I wrote to myself 30 years ago.

Oh, you really should complain to the postal service.

What if you sent yourself a cheese log?

My sophomore English teacher had us all write letters predicting what our lives

were going to be like 30 years later. And she was going to mail it for us. I

can't believe Mrs. Figgis is still alive. She was 150 then.

Well, come on. Come on. Open it.

Oh, I don't know.

It's probably depressing.

I bet I figured by the time I was 46, I'd be rich and famous and 35 tops.

30 years ago, I thought I'd be wealthy, well -coiffed, and fabulously dressed.

Oh, I win!

Watch it, Marianne. You're getting gloat all over my couch.

Oh, my life is over.

Kevin and I used to have so much fun together.

Every morning he would bring me my orange juice and a multivitamin and then

teach me a new vocabulary word.

Kevin, really?

He seems so dull.

Waiter, could you take this away, please?

Thank you. I can bust myself.

Mom, when you were married, did you ever fantasize about other men?

Oh, yes.

There was this UPS guy.

There's something about a man driving a truck with no doors that just says

danger.

How can you tell if your husband's cheating on you?

Well, with your father, the first clue was that other woman in our bed.

So Nina said she heard from Eddie Wendell that you told him we did it.

Now, why would he say that when I told him not to?

You lied and said we had sex?

I'm sorry.

I just got sick of everybody asking when we were finally going to do it.

So I told him it happened last Saturday.

You should have talked to me about it before you said something like that.

I said it happened on a Wednesday.

Huh?

I got sick of the same thing.

So where did you say we did it?

The, uh, Gene Autry Museum.

Cool, that's what I said, too.

Why are you dressed like Cher?

I thought you were working on a soap opera today.

Tomorrow I'm young and restless. Today I'm home and curious.

You didn't happen to get any calls for me, say, from my auto mechanic?

Why would he call my house?

Because I gave him your number. Hey, what's that?

Nothing, a letter.

What's wrong with your phone?

It's a virus.

Hey, is this the letter that we told me about, the one from yourself?

Yes. What the hell is a phone virus?

Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Taylor.

Yes, I'd be amenable to meeting you for a consultation in 15 minutes.

Chinese food would be fine.

Thank you, Mr. Auto Mechanic.

Zoe? I mean, Rachel.

Is there something you want to tell Mommy?

Buck just wants to take me for a ride on his motorcycle.

Buck? It's completely innocent, Mom, just like you and that UPS guy.

All I did with that UPS guy was fondle his clipboard.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Langworthy.

Hey, you're one to talk.

The bottled water guy doesn't take an hour when he comes to my house.

No, it doesn't, but come take those two coconuts.

Coconuts, coconuts, coconuts, coconuts.

Oh, Mother Sheridan.

What are you doing here?

You called me to come drive you home.

And you remembered.

Oh, Mother Skeleton.

I'm going to tell you something.

You have to promise not to tell Rachel.

Are you sitting down?

I'd prefer to stand.

I was denied tenure.

Then you're not having an affair?

The fair? No.

I'm too busy failing in my career.

Who has time to ruin my marriage?

That's a relief.

Mother cellophane.

A professor without a tenure is like a boat without one of those little guidey

things. And don't forget, you promised not to tell Rachel.

Then you have to tell her yourself.

You're right.

You handed me the potato.

That's all I needed to know.

Thank you, Zoe.

Wait for Dr. Dick to get a whiff of it.

I keep taking this allergy medicine, but it doesn't do a thing. You keep taking

it? Don't worry, it's prescription.

Let me see it.

You have to be careful. These things have side effects.

Don't be ridiculous.

I lost a shoe and I think I fractured my groove thing.

Oh, Ira, don't let Richard see me like this.

Marianne, stop worrying about Richard.

You don't have to impress him anymore.

Ira, you don't have to stay down here with me.

You should be dancing.

Yeah.

Wait here.

I'm going to find your shoe.

Oh, God, Ira's being sweet to me.

I must be...

Just too humiliating.

Please, take me to the door.

I can't believe I just crawled right out without a word.

Ira will never talk to me again.

Don't be so sure.

I've left Ira plenty of places, and he always managed to find his way home.

in Reader's Digest.

Hello?

Hi, Kevin.

Rachel left an hour ago.

She said she was going to be here all night.

He must not have told her. I made a potholder.

The zebras are running amok.

Okay, I'm listening now.

We have to find Rachel before she does something stupid.

Well, think.

What did she do before she left here tonight?

She made a phone call.

Redial!

Front desk?

Coconut Motel.

No vacancy.

I like to think I had a little part in that.

Oh, Marianne. I should have just told her about Kevin not getting tenure.

So, do we knock down the door or blow it off at Kenji's?

Don't be ridiculous.

We don't even know which room they're in.

Then we'll just have to blow off all of them.

Or I could just walk up to Rachel's car and knock on her window. She's sitting

right there.

Okay, but I'm not going...

He's up there waiting for me.

I've been sitting here for the last half an hour wondering if it's not too late

for me and Kevin.

Listen to me, Rachel.

Maybe if you ask Kevin what he's thinking, you might find out that what

thinks you're thinking is not what you're thinking he's thinking. In other

words, what do you think?

Say that again?

I don't think so.

Rachel, I promised Kevin I wouldn't tell. But the reason he's been acting so

strange is he didn't get tenure.

He didn't? No.

Oh, my poor baby deserved tenure, the miserable cold rat.

Does that mean he's not having an affair?

What the hell is wrong with me? I almost threw my marriage away for some cheap

fling in some fleabag motel.

I hate myself.

Lifesaver?

Thanks, Mom.

Oh. Oh!

Sean! Mrs. Sheridan.

Ice?

Where's Zoe?

Um... Home.

You're here alone?

In a way. Not really.

No.

You're here with someone else?

Shame. Shame on you.

What? I only made it to the parking lot.

Sean, tell me this isn't happening.

It isn't.

I'm here on a family vacation.

It's a chess club retreat that we just... Business trip.

I'm not Sean.

I'm not Sean.

Tenure? That's all this was about?

You shut me out of your life for months. I almost had an affair tonight and all

because you couldn't tell me what was going on with work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Affair?

By that, I hope you mean something catered.

No, Kevin.

I almost slept with someone else.

Well, not really almost, but I rode on his motorcycle.

Oh.

That's not good.

Do you have feelings for this cyclist?

That's it?

That's as angry as you get?

This is what's wrong with our marriage. You don't think that I am good enough or

smart enough to share your feelings with.

No, I just think you're not interested. I mean, look at you. If you're not the

focus of my attention for five minutes, you go running off with some cretinous

ruffian. Well, at least it's better than being supercilious. Hey, I taught you

that word.

Well, if you were still teaching me words, Kevin, I wouldn't be out riding

some gelatinous buffoon.

Cretinous ruffian.

Quit talking at me, you thesaurus -loving balloon head.

So... Are we...

finished?

Not if you don't want us to be.

Perhaps we should seek some counseling.

Perhaps we should.

I know a professor at school who is an excellent therapist.

She's got tenure.

Son, get this.

I told them we did it outside the observatory. Then we went inside and did

during the laser show. Isn't that great?

Sure. I think we might really be onto something here. I mean, now other people

are actually starting rumors about us.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Guess where they're saying we did it last night?

The Twin Coconuts Motel.

I mean...

What kind of losers would have sex on those heart -shaped beds?

Thorne?

I haven't felt so helpless since Grandpa ate the shoe polish and declared war on

West Virginia.

I know what would take your mind off Zoe.

Read your letter.

Wallow in your own misery for a while.

Yeah.

What the hell?

After all I've been through, why should I care about living up to something I

wrote when I was 16 years old?

Make sense, 1966, dear Sybil.

Wow, 30 years, cool.

You're really old.

Anyway, Sybil, or should I say Mrs. Chip Duncan?

By now, you and Chip are probably driving your rocket car, picking up your

little chiplets, and bringing them to Broadway to watch their daddy star in My

Fair Chip.

Oh, that's adorable.

Why didn't you just kill yourself?

Look at this.

Not a word about me or my career.

This whole letter is Chip, Chip, Chip.

Say that again, and this time flap your arms.

Chip Duncan.

You know, he cheated on me with Jennifer Young and broke my heart.

I thought I'd never get over it.

Zoe, Zoe, please, I'll do anything. If I could change what happened, I would.

Don't insult me by groveling. Just get out.

It didn't mean anything.

It didn't mean anything? Is that supposed to make me feel better? There

girl at a party, and it somehow just kind of happened.

It could have just kind of happened with me.

No.

Don't you see, with you, it was like you were on this pedestal. And with us, it

was, I don't know, it was too special.

Get out.

Zoe.

I'll be in the kitchen, pal.

Zoe.

I know this is one of those times when there's nothing a mother can say to make

you feel any better.

Except when I was your age. Mom, you don't know anything about

my life.

I know.

But I did once.