Original subtitles

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Simple, simple.

The way you're reading it, I don't know who this woman is. I don't know who she

is either, but if she's anything like me, she's getting tired and cranky.

Then use that. This is a woman who has suffered and survived.

She's a suffering survivor.

She has a lust for life.

A lusty liver.

Got it.

If she doesn't speak these words now, she knows she never will.

Must speak.

Now or never.

One more thing.

Forget everything I said in the past two hours.

No, don't try to understand it.

Just peel the layers away.

Ready? Concentrate.

And let the fire build inside you.

And speak.

Thank you for calling Esquire Savings.

For account balances, press 1.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Loving one who loves you and then taking that bow.

Nice work if you can get it. And if you get it.

How was your job?

If you want to hear it was fine and I got paid, press 1.

If you want to hear the truth, press 2.

And if you want to reaffirm your faith in mankind, press this.

You're funny.

Sybil Sheridan, I want you to meet the next heavyweight champion of the world,

Leo McInerney.

Pleased to make your acquaintance?

Pleased to have my hand crushed.

Leo? Darling, I left my purse in the car. Would you be a dear and get it for

Whatever you say, boss.

Boss?

He works for you?

Better. I own him.

Did you buy him for yourself, or was he a gift?

My business manager keeps telling me to diversify, so I purchased a piece of

Leo's boxing contract.

The perfect way to meet men.

Buy him.

You dog.

Let me know if there's a two -for -one sale.

That relationship is strictly professional.

The fact that you can bounce a brick off his stomach has nothing to do with it.

I believe that.

I also believe that the earth is flat and supported on the back of a giant

tortoise.

All right, Sybil, I'll admit I'm attracted to him. I mean, he's big and

beautiful. And dumb as a box of hair.

Excuse me, aren't you Zoe Woodbine's mother?

That depends.

Are you talking about the brilliant and talented Zoe Woodbine or the devious and

scary Zoe Woodbine?

I'm Audrey Sweeney, Zoe's guidance counselor.

Then I never heard of her.

Please have a seat.

I'm so sorry you can't participate in the arts panel on career day. Our

would love to hear from a working actress. Career day? Working actress?

Mrs. Sweeney, my faithful Indian companion drinks like fish.

Oh, but of course we wouldn't want you to miss your guest appearance at the

Wisconsin Film Festival.

Yes, well, as a matter of fact, they canceled me once they found out I was

allergic to cheese.

Oh, good heavens, Marianne, this is a peppered cheese.

This isn't water, it's vodka.

Oh, good, then you can make it after all.

Now, what about Zoe's father? She said he had some sort of terrible accident in

the kitchen.

Were they able to save his tongue?

I hope so.

I've told him a hundred times not to lick the onions off the bagel slicer.

Well, great. I will see you on Friday. And maybe we can talk about Zoe's

college.

Sorry. My fault.

You think?

Excuse me.

You know, I drenched Dr. Dick once.

Well, according to Channel 9, I tried to drown him in a jacuzzi.

I couldn't find his purse, but this is a nice one, huh?

It's the thought that counts.

We'll put it back on our way out.

That won't be so easy. She drove off kind of mad.

Flowers?

It certainly is.

You know, I'm starting to feel something for him.

Pride of ownership, maybe?

So this is how it ends.

Years of planning, cultivating an image of quiet mystery.

Then my mother walks into school, and with one, hi, y 'all, she ruins my life.

Oh, God, Sweeney didn't talk about the college thing, did she? I iced her

she could squeal.

You iced her?

Well, I iced water, but it was really cold.

Zoe, get your butt down here!

She saw me at the restaurant. If she sees me here, she'll suspect that I came

over.

Oh, Mom.

Glad you're home.

There's a career day at school, and I talked Mrs. Sweeney into putting you on

the arts panel. Isn't that great?

Oh, can't do it. That same Mrs. Sweeney just told me I'm going to be in

Wisconsin.

Okay, Mom.

I'll come clean.

Mrs. Sweeney is insane.

The only reason they keep her on is that one of her personalities has tenure.

Gee, Zoe, I thought you were less embarrassed by me these days.

But this would be in front of all the kids at school.

You hate all the kids at school.

Yes, but I still want to feel superior to them.

Well, your father and I are both going to be at career day.

And next time you try to pull a stunt like this, remember...

Nothing goes on around here that I don't know about.

Look at those shoulders.

I can't believe you own this guy.

I don't own all of him.

Just a piece.

A boxer.

But I wonder if I'd ever really use one.

Of course, that's what I said about my fax machine.

What does my little raging bull feel like doing tonight?

Well, you said we'd go somewhere and do a little carbo -loading.

Well, I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Mr. Butler.

Apparently not, Scarlet. I think he wants to take you to the Waffle Hut.

Oh, goody. I hear maple syrup is quite the aphrodisiac.

Yeah, that's what they call Vermont the horny state.

You guys talking to some kind of code or something?

Yes, darling. English.

You've got it.

Why don't you go lather up, my great wife, hopefully soon?

Do you know every morning he brings me a dozen roses?

Well, he tries for a dozen. Sometimes it's 11, sometimes it's 13.

You're funny.

Yet another coffee? Or should I just bring you the breakfast menu?

Coffee's fine.

Cairo, we've been here almost three hours. Please, tell me your news.

Okay.

I finished the first chapter of my new book.

I want to thank you for indulging me. I know I was a little crazy there when I

was blocked.

You weren't that crazy.

Well, there were those two nights you slept in the dryer.

So, when do I get to read it?

Oh, tonight.

If I could only unclench my fingers.

Why are you so nervous about showing me your work?

You know I always love your stuff, no matter what I think of it.

Will the owner of the gray BMW please use it?

So, what time is Zoe's school tomorrow?

1 .30.

I promised we wouldn't embarrass her.

So why don't you write a bawdy limerick, and I'll act it out in mine.

That'll put her at ease.

I can't believe she embarrassed me in front of her guidance counselor. After

that help I gave her on those college applications.

You should have let me take a look at them. After all, I'm the only one who

actually went to college.

You know, these pages are starting to feel kind of arrogant and condescending.

Check, please.

I can't believe you didn't read my chapter.

I promise I'll read it tonight.

I bet that's what Shakespeare's ex -wife said when he gave her the first draft

of Hamlet.

No, I think what she said was, screw thee.

It's only 20 lousy pages.

It's not like they ever ask you for anything.

Really? But who's that needy, demanding basket case who's been using your body?

All right, everybody, let's take our seats.

We're about to begin.

We are very pleased to have with us today professionals.

In the arts field, please welcome Ira Woodbine, novelist.

Irene Carrington, museum curator.

Richard Howell, television development executive.

Sybil Sheridan, actress.

And Nancy Joyce, hand model.

All right, who would like to ask the first question?

Mr. Woodbine?

How important do you think college is if you're planning on going into the arts?

Essential. And artists need the knowledge of history, the classics, and

relationship between art and society.

Hmm. Panel, any comments?

Well, there's no question that college is an advantage.

But there have been many great artists who didn't go.

Sure, in the days when college was available only to the wealthy few. But

us, the only reason not to go is intellectual laziness.

Still, consider the work of Henry Miller or Vincent Van Gogh. Hey, Van Gogh.

Had gone to college, he might have learned to give his date a box of

instead of a box of ears.

Many artists exhibit erratic behavior, Mr. Woodbine.

I once heard of a writer who slept in his wife's driveway and threw his laptop

into a canyon.

Well... I happen to know that writer, and he told me he came through that dark

night of his soul to produce some of the best pages he's ever written, only to

find he couldn't get his educationally deprived ex -wife to read them.

What? Well, I happen to know the inexplicably sane daughter of that

couple, and she told me she's not going to college.

So, Nancy, did you find college helpful for, uh, hand modeling?

Zoe, you told me you applied to eight schools.

Well, I let all the deadlines pass without mailing the applications.

I decided not to go.

Zoe, it breaks my heart to see someone with your potential throwing this away,

even for a year.

A half an hour ago, you said college wasn't important.

It's a fast -changing world.

Besides, I didn't say that. Let me handle this. I'm the only one who

got an education.

Golly gee, thanks, Irene, because I ain't nothing but an ignorant hillbilly

I'm surprised Zoe ain't been hit by the pigs yet.

All I'm saying is if she was living with me, her applications would be in. Hey!

You're so wrapped up in your parent power trip, you've never even bothered

ask me how I feel.

Power trip? You're grounded.

Zoe, I ask you how you feel every day, and you never tell me anything.

You won't even tell me your phone number. I'm in the book!

Six months comparing schools. Why didn't you say something?

Because I knew you'd behave just like you're behaving right now. You should be

thanking me. I saved us all six months of this.

Okay.

Let's be a different kind of mom.

Let's calmly ask our daughter why she is destroying the precious life her mother

gave her.

I'm not going to college because I happen to have a very rich intellectual

and I don't want to be thwarted by an archaic educational system that forces

to commit to a life plan at age 17.

Oh, I understand. You want to hurt us.

Zoe, this is a big mistake.

Don't do this just to get back at your parents.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room for the next four years.

Seven if I decide not to go to grad school.

This is what happens when you support the idea of not going to college as a

legitimate choice. You have only yourself to blame, Sybil.

Oh, I think I can find a way to blame you.

You went to college and grad school and law school, and you turned out totally

dysfunctional and looking like Grizzly Adams.

Ah, great. Bring him up again. Dan Haggerty, Dan Haggerty.

I did one episode, and for the millionth time, I did not sleep with him.

Those long hairs on my sweater came from the bear.

I can't talk to you.

That's good, because I can't listen to you. Why don't you get out? All right, I

will. All right! Bye!

I have my pages back. I don't think you can be objective right now.

I could be objective.

You just don't want me to read them because you know they suck.

And fairly conscious for weeks afterwards?

Gorgeous and dumb is one thing.

Gorgeous, dumb, and celibate is wrong in so many ways.

Have you thought of looking into team sports, Marianne?

Just to increase your odds.

I'm going to sidestep that invitation to dance around the bitter tree once

more.

Right now, we have to concentrate on Zoe.

Fair enough.

If she's not going to school next year, we've got to lay down some ground rules,

like rent.

She's got to start chipping in. Right. She needs a job. If she wants to be an

adult, she has to learn to swallow her pride and drag herself in a place she

hates every day.

She learned that in high school.

I wish I'd known she wasn't going to college before I gave her all that

application money.

You didn't give her the application money I did.

Zoe!

I can't believe she got $1 ,200 from each of us. Can you imagine what would

happen if she only used her powers for good?

She's cunning, she's devious, and a heartless manipulator of people.

God, she'd do great at Harvard.

Oh, Daddy's here. Did you bring me... a present?

What were you doing taking application money from both of us? Do you think we

never talked to each other?

Well, you never did when you were married.

Oh, no, Zoe.

Not that. Not today.

Oh, okay.

Look, I invested the application money and made a bundle.

So here's the plan.

I start helping more with the laundry and chores.

I get a job.

And as of today, I start paying fair market rent.

Oh, honey, this just isn't right.

I could rent your room out for twice as much.

No, you couldn't, Mom. Believe me, I've tried.

Just one more thing.

I'd like you to respect my privacy, trust me to make my own decisions, and

please don't say anything you think is amusing in front of my friends.

Does everyone know what he or she is supposed to do?

Good.

You know, she's going to be a better parent than we are.

She already is.

So the classes I'm thinking of auditing at UCLA are 21st Century Investing and

Corporate Takeovers, a Zen approach.

Well, your parents must be pretty happy about this.

I'm not telling them. If I decide to get a college education, they don't have to

know. It's not like they care.

I'm glad you're staying in town.

Me too.

So how are you going to feel about me not getting a degree? I mean, you got

college when you were 16.

Yeah, I had an in.

I was conceived at the UCLA Medical Center.

That's one of the perks of being a test tube baby.

You were a test tube baby?

Yeah.

Does it matter?

I think it's kind of sexy.

Tell me more.

That's the usual story.

Parents got drunk at the lab one night. One thing led to another.

And 31 months later, I was born.

I'm sorry, sir, but I don't want to be a Mormon.

This is a new beginning, Sybil.

I'm shedding all vestiges of darkness and emerging into the light.

Writing these pages has opened my eyes to everything that was missing and

everything that was keeping me blocked.

Okay. I promise I'll read them tonight. No. I want to read them to you.

All right. Let me turn on the TV.

Just kidding.

Sit down right here.

Go ahead.

Lowenstein awoke with his heart pounding, sweating from another dream he

couldn't remember.

Before he opened his eyes... Lowenstein looked at his former wife, flaxen hair,

cornflower eyes, and the overwhelming truth of it hit him like a hurricane.

Whatever his failings, whatever sins he might commit, he was forever redeemed

for loving her.

And when she had loved him back...

For that brief moment, he had lived.

Loewenstein's last laugh, end of chapter one.

It's a beautiful piece of writing, Ira.

Well, you know what they say.

Fiction is truth.

Who is this they person anyway?

Everyone says they say this and they say that.

Well, they is such a big deal. Why don't they use their own name?

You sound nervous.

I'm not nervous.

I'm as mad at this they person who keeps trying to pass off perfectly good

fiction for truth.

Sybil, can we please stop pretending?

Pretending?

Look, Ira, that is an exquisite piece of writing, and I'm very flattered.

But it isn't really us.

Us is humiliating ourselves and our daughter in front of her entire school

professional hand model.

That's what's so great about us. We can fight like that, and I can love you at

the same time.

It's healthy.

It isn't healthy.

And it wasn't healthy when we were married.

No matter how much we've changed, no matter how much we feel for each other,

can't rewrite our history.

We've seen this movie, Ira.

We both know how it ends.

Would you please say something?

I don't need you.

You don't have to fill me up.

I just love you.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, you don't. Yes, I do.

But we've tried and tried.

And we've tried again.

Believe me, it will never work.

I understand.

You just need more time.