Original subtitles

Yo, everybody, listen up.

Welcome to Monty's, where wannabes get to be.

Our next guest was on the cover of Glamour magazine this month, so let's

hands together and give a warm welcome to Miss New Face's model of 1969,

Sybil Sheridan.

Come on, honey, get up here. Go ahead.

Do your thing.

Thank you. I've always dreamed

of singing in

front of a New York audience.

Except in my dream.

I'm not quite so terrified.

And y 'all are a lot happier to see me.

We're getting too old to keep springing juvenile surprises on each other. Oh,

you said that last year, and I woke up to a room full of balloons and a clown

and a g -string.

So, how do you feel?

Besides another year older.

I always feel great on my birthday.

Wow, you are a good actress.

Okay, there was that one bad one the year I was in New York. Oh, how bad

it be? You were waking up in the city that never sleeps.

Yeah, because it was staying up nights thinking of new ways to screw me over.

a year to work up the nerve to thing in New York City, and when I finally did

it, they drove me right back home to Memphis.

I know.

You're taking me on a cattle drive.

First, I told you I'm not doing anything.

Second, a cattle what?

Hey, if you're gonna be that way... Look, Sean, how can I put this? Oh, I

Uh -oh. Trouble in tiny town.

Something wrong?

Sean's feeling all threatened because my lab partner is Bruce Springsteen's

second cousin.

Zoe answered me without a hint of sarcasm.

Drop something, Marianne. See if it falls up.

I told you, someday all that love and support would come back and bite you in

the ass.

Sorry, Mom, it must be the drugs.

I'll let it go this time, but I better hear some abuse when you get home from

school, young lady.

Hey, birthday girl.

I always remembered your birthday when we were married. It's one time you got

home from work that used to trip him up.

Here. Jeff, you're not moving in again.

Did I have to move in again?

Just for one night, I promise.

Using the baby is a new low.

Well, Terry got called out of town on business and...

They're spraying my building for termites, and besides, me and Luke got a

lonely, didn't we, buddy? I hear the clerks at the Hyatt are really friendly.

Look at that face.

You are handsome.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

And your daddy's a big old piñata full of crap.

Yes, he is.

And Sybil is such a doormat. Yes, she is.

Hey, I didn't say yes yet.

One night, that's it.

Thanks, Sib. Luke and I really appreciate it.

And if any of your plans involve me babysitting while you're out with your

friends, cancel them.

I am hurt you'd even think of me doing that.

The phone's right over there.

John, will you cut it out? But, Zoe, we are talking about a blood road to the

boss here.

You put New Jersey on the map, the man changed my life, and now you're

practically part of his entourage.

Sean, I precipitated calcium with his second cousin.

Sure. Rub my nose in it.

I met the boss once.

You did?

Was at a party in Malibu.

His marriage had just broken up.

I grabbed a bottle of courage, walked right up to him and said, Come on, blue

eyes. I'll help you forget me a pharaoh.

Frank Sinatra, he's not the boss. He's the chairman of the board.

That lying bastard.

Happy birthday to the best mom there ever was. I'll never forget you.

Wrong speech, Rach. Save that one for when she's dead.

And to Ira for finally getting over his writer block?

Yeah. Towards the end there, I was starting to experience sympathy blocks.

My only regret is throwing my laptop off your deck last month. I had a bunch of

short stories on it I didn't back up. They're lost forever.

Oh, I hate when that happens.

I completely misplaced 1982.

You know, you should really try to retrieve that laptop, Mr. Woodbine.

Kevin, I dropped it down a mountain.

It wasn't one of those Nerf computers either.

Here, Sib. Happy birthday.

A jack and a commuter mug.

Oh, Jeff, how touching.

You must have calmed your entire trunk for the perfect gift.

I'm sorry I didn't bring you a present, but Zoe said I shouldn't.

Well, every year you say don't make a fuss, so... No, every year I say you

didn't make a fuss.

See the difference?

Oh, is this from you, Marianne? What is it? Chip and Dale dancer, keys to a

blimp? Darling, I would never repeat myself. Open it.

Wow.

Ear protection and a blindfold.

You got me a date with Don Rickles?

Better. We are taking you to a mysterious destination.

As of now, you are officially kidnapped.

A birthday kidnapping?

All right.

Can I help write the ransom note?

Okay, Kevin.

William's bag is packed with diapers, formula, clothes, everything you need.

Well, of course it is. How else are you going to take care of him when we're not

at home?

Kevin, you have a Ph .D. I'll get a clue. Bye.

Now, don't try to follow us, boys, or Blondie here gets it.

Zoe, you're going to?

Someone's going to be there to post bail.

Hey,

hey, hey, what are you doing?

Surprise!

An airplane.

Suddenly the taking off part makes so much more sense.

Listen,

I don't want any trouble from you fours, all right?

So here's the deal. You get two drinks of pee, you... Stay out of the aisles

you don't mess with the other passengers.

All right?

You got it?

Nice attitude.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

We're going to New York.

so much the first time around.

I forgot to live at the plaza.

Marianne, you couldn't have spent more on less if you tried.

Thank you.

No, no, no. I should thank you.

There's only so much money one can piss away in Los Angeles.

Hey, you girls should try the salon.

They have the most amazing avocado oatmeal facial.

Come on. I don't want a facial.

This is the first time in months I don't have to be a mother and a wife.

I want to go to bars.

I want to go to clubs.

I want to go fall in love with that man beast who lives in a sewer.

You want to go outside into the streets with all those New Yorkers?

Absolutely. I have the entire day planned. We're going to eat our way

drink our way back down.

Let me explain something about me and New York, Marianne.

No.

Sybil, I brought you back here to stare down your old demons and fall in love

with the greatest city in the world. Now, let's get out there.

And kick some big apple butts.

All right. I'll kick one apple butt, and then we're out of here.

Oh, I'll be back on the streets of New York. Can't you just smell the

excitement?

Oh, is that what that is?

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind going through the park?

Tell you what.

Why don't I do the driving, you do the sitting there and looking pretty?

This is where you're supposed to flip him off.

I can't flip him off. I'm from Memphis.

We don't like someone. We cook them a big old greasy dinner and shave a couple

hours off their life.

That's why we're here, Sybil.

When New York pushes you, you push back harder. Yeah, Mom, the Muppets took

Manhattan. Why can't you?

You're right.

Sir, could you please stop at that fried chicken place over there? I'd like to

buy you a little something.

How simple your hoblet.

Listen, schmuck.

This cat is going through the park.

You can be driving it or be dragged along behind it. Now, what are you going

do?

Well, what do you say we go through the park?

The chicken would have worked, too.

Thanks, Sean.

I thought it was important to get an early start.

Yeah, you want to beat that early morning canyon crowd before the good

gets picked over.

Gloves.

You want a tip?

Desperately. How much sleep would you get if someone kept bouncing you like

that?

You're going into the canyon, huh?

You must really want that laptop.

I do.

If only I knew a mountain climber.

Or a stuntman.

Sorry, pal.

I'm all tied up with bottles and baby wipes.

It's a little bit overwhelming.

Yeah, taking care of babies is hard work. But at least you've got Terry.

You don't have Terry?

What did you do with Terry?

Didn't work out.

She dumped you again, huh?

Well, actually, it was kind of mutual.

She said she didn't want to see me anymore, and I don't take that from

What's going to happen with Luke?

She wants to share custody.

You know, I know I said I wanted another baby, but now I'm not sure I'm up to

it. It's a big decision.

I just find the whole thing a little bit terrifying.

Terrifying? You?

You've driven a car off a roof.

You've been hit by a train.

Ernest Borgnine sat on you once.

You can change a poo -poo.

Reservations for Rosemary Clooney.

Oh, Marianne, she's my all -time favorite.

I hope I sound half that good when I'm her age.

Girls, Rosemary Clooney.

Yeah, yeah, we know. She helped us win World War II. We'll meet you back at the

hotel. Bye.

You two be careful. Remember, this isn't L .A.

Reservations for Thorpe.

Sorry, you had to be here by 7 .30.

We gave them away.

What? Come on.

It's only 7 .35.

This must make you nuts then.

Marianne, maybe we should slip him a little something.

Sorry, I'm fresh out of bananas.

Then do that thing you did with the cab driver. You know, where you call him

names and stuff until he does what we want.

You do it.

Me? You.

Mister, what you're doing is morally wrong. And you're going to have to look

yourself in the mirror tomorrow.

Damn. And I was just getting over killing that guy in the joint.

Hey, maybe we can still sneak into Katz and see what all those jokes are about.

Hey, aren't you Sybil Sheridan?

Yeah. I'm Bridget Hall.

I've done a lot of modeling for guests.

Okay. I'll guess.

Um, Ralph Lauren?

I had pictures of you all over my room when I was a kid.

Way back then?

And you still remember me?

Yeah. It's too bad they canceled Charlie's Angels.

See you inside.

Good evening, Miss Hall. Enjoy the show.

Hey, how come you let her in and you won't let us in?

Do you know who she is? I'll have you know, in 1971, I was on eight out of 12

Glamour magazine covers.

Listen, Grandma.

Grandma?

Oh, that's right, I am.

Come on, if you're going to let that little whippersnapper in, you can let us

in. Look, lady, I'll... No, you look.

You are a person who stands for a living, so I will speak slowly.

We have reservations.

We are going in.

So get the hell out of our way, you big old slab of one -eyebrow bridge -and

-tunnel meat!

Oh, Sybil, I am so proud of you. Shut that stinking piehole and get in here!

Making sure he's still breathing, sir.

Rachel would pulverize me if I killed her child.

What? What?

I have given you everything you've asked for. Let Grandpa take a look.

Yeah, well, somebody's got a new tooth coming in.

Can't bite a feller's ear off in a bar fight without toothers, can we?

Great teething.

Now it's expected of me.

Kevin, I'm going to show you a little trick.

You know, I think you know this one, don't you?

And you put it in a towel.

And you put it up.

Oh, wow.

Hey, will this work on Rachel, too?

It's worth a shot.

You know, I'm very impressed, sir. You're good at this.

I guess I am.

You say sport. You want to be partners?

Yeah.

I have 24 hours without my family in New York. And how do I spend it? In

New Jersey.

Let's be honest. If you lived in New York, you'd live in New Jersey.

You take that back.

Besides, one day you're going to tell William that today you met a woman who

gave birth to a legend.

Well, hi.

You must be Zoe.

Hello, Mrs.

Springsteen.

Yes!

Just as I was ready to give up hope, something told me to look in the

bush.

Now I know how Moses felt.

Why, did he come down the mountain waking up all the Hebrews?

Excuse me, I hate to be a bother, but I've lost all sensation in my arms and

about to pass out.

It's running. Thank you, God.

Yes, word.

Glorious.

Wait a second.

Charlie ripped open her blouse, revealing a black lace bra underneath.

Strong hands for a cable guy, Naomi said. I'd do anything for free HBO.

Hey, this isn't my laptop.

This isn't my laptop.

So what? Keep going.

Let's find out what she'll do for showtime.

Here's to you, birthday girl.

You told off a sales lady at Bloomingdale's. You spit from the top of

State Building.

You even gave the Statue of Liberty the finger.

I didn't like the look she was giving me.

Hey, buddy, turn left.

Turn left.

Stop giving us those funny looks or I'll tear your tonsils out through the back

of your neck.

I'm sorry, ma 'am. I'm sorry.

This is my first day driving and the city is moving so fast and all you

are so mean.

And I bet all the other cab drivers make fun of you because your English is so

good and you have vowels in your name.

Yes, ma 'am.

Where are you from?

Memphis, Tennessee.

Really? So am I.

I'm so sorry I yelled at you.

You just keep driving and turn left as soon as you can, okay?

Thank you.

Yes, ma 'am.

You practically reduced a New York cabbie to tears.

Darling, I think you're almost ready for Paris.

You know, Marianne, being nasty and rude is nice and all, but somehow it just

isn't enough.

There's one more thing I need to do to really feel like I conquered this city.

Stab someone with a screwdriver?

Change of plans, Memphis.

Take us to 44th and 9th.

Mama's got a song to finish.

Are you sure this is the place?

Yes, positive.

Look, the stage was over there, the bar was here, and the men cutting up raw

fish were... What the hell are they doing here?

Monty's is gone.

Come on, you didn't need to do this. You've licked this town. Two hot sakis.

Extra hot, extra saki.

Here.

What would you like?

Yellowtail? Salmon?

Puppet? Hopper?

Pirate? Poet? Pawn and a king?

Tuna? Maki?

Tempora.

six messages on your machine.

Sean, you know I wasn't here. You were in my house.

Well, where'd you go?

New York.

New York? Yeah.

Really?

Listen, I have something to tell you.

Oh. You went to see Lenny this weekend, didn't you? No.

I went to see his aunt in New Jersey.

Bruce's mom.

No way.

Yeah.

See, Lenny was helping me get something I knew would mean a lot to you.

Here you go.

Rich.

A retainer.

Yep. Who knew the boss had a crossbite?

You mean... Mm -hmm.

Sean.

Don't.