Original subtitles

Lieutenant, I have to warn you, having sex with me is like nuclear war.

When I'm done, there's nothing left standing.

Well, Captain, you'd better be ready for multiple warheads.

Sure of yourself, aren't you, Lieutenant?

Let's see if you can find my strategic targets.

Nice job. Let's reset.

I hope I didn't pull your hair too hard.

I kind of got lost in the moment.

No, no, it was great.

Hey, you have plugs.

Good job.

They're really in there. You could pull a train with those things.

Joey? Hi, honey. Hi.

Sybil Sheridan, this is Kathy, my fiancée.

Hi.

It's nice to meet you. You're a very good actress.

Thanks.

Isn't Joe a good kisser?

I wasn't kissing Joe. I was kissing Lieutenant Jackson.

Actually, it was Captain Mary Harper kissing Lieutenant Jackson. I wasn't

kissing anyone. Hey, have you tried those new fat -free Twinkies?

I can't wait till Joe and I get married so we can have sex.

Yeah, right.

I mean, yeah, right.

Kathy and I are both virgins.

Boy, you are a good actor.

Maybe you could teach me that growl thing.

Let's go from the top.

Oh, well, I better get back to my seat. Patrick is waiting.

Patrick?

He's right over there.

Oh, say hello to my brother, Patrick.

Oh, Father.

You can't imagine the day I've had.

You? I had to have sex in front of a priest.

When I was a kid, you just had to say, Hail Mary.

I'm surprised I even remembered what to do.

You know, if I ever do have sex again, I have to get that director. He was good.

Speaking of good, let me tell you about my new private detective.

I hired him two days ago, and he's already found out that Dr. Dick has a

account in Caracas.

You hired a private detective?

Well, stalking Dr.

Dick was getting to be such a chore, and what with the holidays, who has time?

That's why I always try to get my stalking done before Thanksgiving.

Oh, damn.

Thank goodness I'm not one of those women who wear the same clothes twice.

Now, don't go sucking your jacket again.

That one's got us thrown out of here last week.

Could you get me a club soda?

I'm sorry, I misheard.

A double what?

You're a funny little poor man, aren't you?

We'll be right back.

Sybil? David.

Works every time. Pick your teeth in public and an old boyfriend shows up.

I've missed you. I keep coming here hoping I'll run into you.

Never should have let you go. I can't imagine what I was thinking.

Oh, David, I understand. You felt a loyalty for your wife. Just because

dead doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings.

No, I was a fool.

So many things we never had a chance to do.

So many places we never got a chance to do them in.

You don't suppose you could see your way clear to give me another shot, do you?

I don't think it would do any harm.

David, what a lovely surprise.

Care to join us for a drink?

I'd love to, Marianne, but I have an appointment.

I'll call you.

Oh, what a shame. It's always so wonderful to see you.

You repellent, ambulance -chasing vulture.

The man's law firm handled my divorce, and now he's kissing up to the enemy,

playing golf with Dr. Dick.

You're not thinking of going out with him again.

Sybil.

played a lot of tennis this week. Maybe we should stay here and play some indoor

sports. I like it.

Hello, anyone.

Oh, geez, you two. Get a room.

I got a whole house.

I'm just here to pick up Zoe, our daughter, the other person who shouldn't

to see this.

She went to Annie's. You can find her there. It's one of those houses that

this one.

Aren't you Ira Woodbine?

Yeah. David Whittier.

I'm a huge fan of Lowenstein's, my man. I can't wait for your next book.

Can't wait.

That's just great. Nobody can wait. Hey, I'm not a machine, mister. You just

can't put a $75 ,000 advance in me and expect a book to plunk out.

I know what you're thinking. How can I divorce him? But don't be fooled. This

charming act is just for guests.

Publishers want their money.

What are you? A leg -breaker for Random House?

I found her.

I've represented quite a number of writers in court. My question to you is,

are you hanging yourself up?

Hell, I'd get you a three -book deal at Harcourt Brace without you even having

to write a word.

Really?

You mean it?

Let's get together and talk about it sometime.

Now's the time.

Ira?

Stay.

I convince you that David is a snake?

The man broke up my marriage. He handled your divorce.

Potato, potato.

Before you sleep with him, darling, let me share several disturbing facts which

my detective has uncovered.

You had your detective check on David?

That is so you.

Well, whatever you found out, I don't want to hear about it.

Well, he has seven unpaid parking tickets.

His mortgage has been late three times in the last four years, and it's two

front teeth.

Capped.

Oh, room's spinning.

Must find chair.

I'll get it. It's for me. You stay in the kitchen. It's not important.

Okay.

Huh. I knew it was for me.

Well, actually, Mom, I'm here to see Zoe. She called me and said she needed

talk. Wait a minute.

Zoe, tall girl, red hair, standing next to you.

Oh, look, Mom, it's your grandson.

Hold me, hug me, kiss me, love me.

Oh.

Hey, wait a minute. I don't fall for that anymore.

Too hot, William.

Yes. Your grandma's fuzzy, fuzzy little boo -boo.

This better be important, Zoe. William's missing Mommy and me, and they're

absolutely anal about makeup classes.

I smashed up the grill on Mom's car.

You smashed up the grill on Mom's car?

Yes.

Why don't you just tell her she'll be mad that it was an accident?

Well, she doesn't know I borrowed it.

Sorry. All I need you to do is ask her to switch cars for a day. Then we take

hers to Mexico where we can get it fixed cheap and we're back tomorrow before

Kevin gets home from his conference.

Or how about this?

You tell her the truth, you get grounded, and I'm not involved. Bye.

The moron in front of me stopped.

This would be my problem. Why?

Rachel, you owe me. You wouldn't want Kevin to find out about that time in

school with you and Tom Massaro and the popsicles.

How do you even know about that?

I was nine.

You were babysitting. I had a camera.

You have pictures?

Moving pictures.

All right, but I get the film.

Deal. And all the copies you made for your friends?

Oh, man.

Did I mention when he was 16, David worked as a bag boy at the A &P?

Laid off.

How does a guy with a record like that get to practice law in this state?

Hey, Marianne. Yo. I just had to stop by and thank you for introducing me to

David. We just had the best lunch.

He played hardball with my publisher and now they're totally off my back.

And doesn't he have the most penetrating eyes?

Gee, I sure hope he calls again.

Ira, are you dating my boyfriend?

Rachel, talk.

Mom, I want to buy some floor lamps and they won't fit in my Volvo. I need to

switch cars with you.

Okay. Wait a minute. You never give me the car that easily.

I like her better.

Who can blame you?

Please tell me that's just an earthquake.

Dibble, let me in!

It's Marianne. Go upstairs and stand in the doorway until she's over.

here. Sybil, you have got to stop seeing David. It's a matter of life and death.

Let's see. Life and death. Sex.

Get out of here.

Sybil?

Everything okay?

David, I'm so sorry to burst in like this, but something terrible has

and I really needed to speak to my best friend.

And the irony is, up until just a moment ago, that was me.

It's my brother.

You don't have a brother.

It's my uncle.

But he was always like a brother to my mother.

Now he's dead.

Good thing she is, too.

I think I'd better be going.

It's obvious Mary Ann needs you.

Dinner at my house tomorrow night?

I'll be hungry. Let's skip dinner.

Next season? Yes.

There's no possible excuse for you coming here and keeping me from having

for the first time in two years.

David's a murderer.

Two years, Marianne.

You'll have to do better than that.

Okay, I'm going to give you every opportunity to explain yourself, and

going to throw you out.

Muriel and David were out together on their boat, and she drowned.

In fact, the police brought him in for questioning.

Did they prosecute a technicality?

But did you know their marriage was on the rock?

David's law firm was in Chapter 11, and he had her insured for several million

dollars.

Marianne, David is not a murderer!

Fine. Stick your head in the sand.

But if it weren't for me...

You'd be dead now.

At least I would have died happy. And probably more than once.

Look, I'm older. I owe you the talking.

Excuse me, senor.

Si. How much are you to fix El Dodger?

Son treinta mil pesos.

Treinta mil pesos? En el teléfono usted dio diez mil.

Why don't you handle this?

El teléfono usted me dijo que fue solo un ding.

Sí, es ding.

Un grande ding.

Bueno, pues, es un ding de 30 mil pesos.

What did he say?

He says motherhood becomes you.

25 mil y lo necesito mañana a las 12.

25 mil y es un trato.

Is he still talking about me?

He says you have beautiful hair.

Really?

Es prostituta.

David, your onions are burning.

You're telling me.

No, they really are.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

This is a beautiful home.

Yeah.

Muriel really had a flair for decorating.

God, we were happy here.

I knew it. I knew you were happy.

Very happy.

And happiness is a good thing, especially in hard times.

What hard times?

Like when your business is in trouble.

My business was never in trouble.

That's not what I heard.

What have you heard?

Oh, nothing.

I have this audition tomorrow and I was just trying out this tricky line.

That's not what I heard. That's not what I heard. That's not what I heard.

I like the second one best.

I really believe that wasn't what you heard.

I hope you don't mind my asking about Muriel.

It must be hard talking about all the trauma, the loss, all the questions from

the police.

The police were actually quite friendly.

That insurance investigator.

Anyway. Thought I'd do a little something southern in y 'all.

It's a gumbo.

Gumbo.

I love gumbo.

There's nothing better in the world than gumbo.

You scared me.

Wasn't exactly the response I was going for.

You want to give me a hand with these vegetables?

So that insurance guy gave you a tough time, huh?

Home? You just got here.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I have that big audition tomorrow.

That's not what I heard.

What about dinner?

Most important meal of the day.

Some say breakfast.

I think they're wrong.

Here's Zoe. You can spend another night at Ray's.

need the car another day?

Is that a donkey?

Hello?

Come in, come in, come in. Okay, so what's the emergency?

You think maybe David did murder Muriel?

I knew it! Last night he lied about his business, he lied about his marriage,

and when I happened to glance at some papers on his desk, he totally freaked.

We have to see those papers.

Marianne, we are not breaking into his house.

Hello?

David? David.

Keep him on the line so we can trace the call.

We're not trying to find him.

Oh, right. Go, go, go, go.

So, what's up?

Laker game tonight?

Uh... Tell him you're sick. Tell him to take Ira.

I'm sick. Take Ira.

I don't get it. If he takes Ira to the game, he won't be at home.

I'm not breaking into his house.

I can't believe we're breaking into his house.

Oh, when it's this easy, it hardly qualifies.

Oh, that's better.

Good, Marianne. Why don't you just turn on the stereo so the blind cops can find

us, too?

You started it.

Oh, Stefan.

It's worse than I thought. Look.

What?

Wine in a fox.

Good God. Run like the wind.

realized more and more that my life will never be the same without you.

It's a letter to his wife.

Marianne, he couldn't have killed her.

He just didn't want me to see this because he's still in love with a dead

Oh, well, then I guess I was wrong.

Everything's perfectly normal.

Unless his idea of a romantic evening involves you taking a nice cold bath and

lying very still.

Congratulations, Marianne. You have ruined sex and bathing for me in one

swoop.

Take yourself at home, Ira.

Thanks. Man, don't you hate it when a team gets blown out of the water that

in the first half?

There's some beer in the fridge if you want.

Frankly, I had a poor mind to rank me into the toilet.

Sybil?

David.

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought, wouldn't it be a turn -on if I broke into your house and...

And left a trail of clothing all the way to your bed, where I was waiting.

Uh, naked.

To do what, mug him?

Sounds good to me.

Night, Ira.

Ah, gee. Okay, uh, good night, David. Good night, Sid.

Good night, Marianne.

Night.

Marianne, what are you doing here?

Me?

What about all of you?

You're lucky this isn't my house. I'd be on the phone to the cops like that.

David, after I saw that note on your desk the other night, I just had to find

out what it was.

Actually, it's kind of funny if you can get past the unforgivable lack of trust

and the incredible invasion of privacy.

I just write these letters as a way of dealing with the past.

Never actually mail them.

Tell the postage you'd kill me.

Postage. Good one.

I think we should talk about this some more, but I'm off to see the wizard, if

you know what I mean.

Right.

Well, Sybil, I hope you've learned something about letting your suspicions

the best of you.

Well, Marianne, thanks to you, I have broken into this poor man's house. We

opened his wounds and humiliated him. Please leave a message. And all of that

when I was this close.

was supposed to wire me. I can only stretch a lira so far.

Muriel's alive?

All right, I'll tell the truth.

The law firm was in trouble.

Muriel wanted a divorce, and it just seemed like a convenient way to get our

hands on some of that insurance money we'd have gotten on down the road

No big deal.

What do you mean, no big deal? Listen, buddy, I don't date married men, even if

their wives aren't dead.

I know this is a difficult moment for you, pal, but in a couple of days when

you're feeling better, I am going to gloat, gloat, gloat.

New rules, pal.

Next time I'm dating a gorgeous felon, could you leave me in the dark until

after I've slept with him?

David, how could you deceive me this way?

Our whole relationship was based on lies.

I don't think I can see you anymore.

Come on, Ira.

Don't worry.

We'll find somebody else.

Oh, look who's here. My two favorite daughters.

Thanks for taking such good care of my car. You washed it and everything.

Oh, yeah. You owe us ten bucks for that.

She's just kidding, Mom.

Shut up.

Funny thing.

I grabbed some coins out of the ashtray to feed the parking meter, and I found

this peso.

Don't you just hate it when they give you bum change at the car wash?

And look what else Mommy found.

This unusual bubblegum comic.

Bazooka Jose?

Okay, Mom, you caught us.

Rachel was going to buy the floor lamp that she needed, and she wanted to drive

to Mexico to save some money, but we knew if we told you, you wouldn't let us

go. You were right. You shouldn't have lied to me.

Don't do it again.

That's it, right? No punishment?

No harm, no foul.

I'm glad we came clean. I feel so much better now.

One more thing.

There's a 65 grill on the front of my 64 Dart.

Por que?