Original subtitles

All right, everybody, let's have a warm welcome for the cast of CBS's new hit

sitcom, Hello, Dickie!

Playing Dickie's dad, Raymond Lenny!

Playing Dickie's brother, Richard Fittimar Black!

Playing Dickie's ex -wife and boss, Sybil Sheridan!

And playing Dickie Johnson, making his triumphant return to television, the

master of comedy, the one and only Mr.

Dick Van Patten!

Thank

you

so much for taking a chance on me. You deserve it. I just hope you're ready to

be rich and famous.

Well, I'm willing to give it a shot.

Let's hear it for the cast of Hello, Dickie!

Love Dickie.

I don't know how I'm going to do the show without him.

What do you mean it's canceled?

Just because he's dead?

Come on, we can work around that. We'll say his character went out of town and

call it Dickie's family.

Or prop him up on the couch and call it Dickie's napping.

What?

It's only television.

But they're still going to pay me for the rest of the season, right?

But I have a contract and I've already spent the money.

Well, I had my car fixed and my roof was leaking, so I'm getting it retiled.

They have to pay me.

They don't have to pay me?

Act of God?

Oh, God. Hold on.

Stop! Stop the work!

Problem? Yes. I just found out I can't afford this.

Interesting.

Okay, pack it up.

You can't leave me with no roof. At least put the old broken tiles back on.

could do that.

For 2 ,000 bucks.

How about some homemade banana bread?

Okay. Saddle up.

good reason why sybil can't have her own show arthur arthur i said

one all right let's do lunch listen to me arthur you find a job for me you find

it fast what do you mean how you're an agent figure it out that's telling him

marianne there's a lesson to be learned here never pick an agent off a matchbook

cover you're gonna be okay pal

I was Brenda Depp Peter's understudy for three years on Broadway.

Did she die?

No. I was first runner -up to Sissy Eubanks in the Miss Teenage America

Did she die?

No.

Now that I really need somebody to live, what happens?

He dies.

Croaks faster than a frog in a frying pan.

Cox, you're up, so you lost a job.

You've lost jobs before.

Lots of jobs.

You're constantly losing jobs.

Thanks, Maria. I feel better now.

Well, if you really want to feel better, you need to pick yourself up, dust

yourself off, and go buy something ridiculously expensive.

Don't you understand what it means when a person has no money?

Of course I do. It means you need to go to the bank and get some more.

There is no more.

The series was going to get me out of the hole.

Now I've spent money I won't get from a job I don't have on a roof that's not

there. Well, if that's all that's bothering you, why don't I give you some

money? I have scads, you know.

Here you are.

I can't take your money. Don't think of it as my money. Think of it as my ex

-husband's life's blood.

I really appreciate the offer, but... I

promise I'll pay you back.

Don't worry about it. But it's not a gift. It's a loan.

A loan? Oh, I don't know. You don't seem like such a good credit risk.

Seven percent interest.

Eight and a half.

Seven and a half.

I'll get my checkbook.

And thanks for doing business at the Bank of Marriott.

Ha! I would have paid eight.

Hey, how come the roof guys left?

Creative differences.

How was school?

Large and brick -like.

Listen, I need $200 tomorrow.

Why? The school ski trip. Remember, I have to give them my deposit.

Oh, yeah, I promised I'd pay for that.

But, honey...

My job situation has changed.

It's because of that dead guy, isn't it?

Why can't you just do the show without him?

Zoe, how could you say that?

Listen, we just have to pull together and tighten our belt.

Is there anything I can do to help?

How about knocking off a liquor store for old mom?

Don't say it if you don't mean it.

It'll be fine.

Here you go, pal.

Don't spend it all on one roof.

Oh, Marianne, I really appreciate the...

But I will pay you back. Stop, Pish. What are friends for?

Now take me to lunch.

No way, you big mooch.

I'm not very hungry. I'll just take a small dinner salad.

Sybil, it's on me.

Followed by a New York steak, a baked potato, and what the hell, throw in a

couple of lobster tails.

Oh, a club sandwich. Club sandwich for the gentleman and the fatty Arbuckle

special for the lady.

you don't have to buy lunch for me. No matter what Zoe said, things aren't that

bad. Well, I figured she was exaggerating when she claimed you didn't

roof over your head.

Well, actually, that part's true.

But I've taken care of it.

How? I've taken care of it. Come on, Sib. Where'd you get the money?

I borrowed it from Marianne.

Oh, wow.

Big mistake. Huge mistake.

Why didn't you just go to the mafia?

Sib, well, money and friends don't mix. Everyone knows that. Why didn't you come

to me?

Because I have a brain.

Didn't you ever wonder why I wouldn't take alimony from you? Of course. But

every time I tried to bring it up, my lawyer kicked me in the shin.

I still can't wear Bermuda shorts.

I didn't take alimony from you because, number one, I was working and I didn't

need it. And number two, of what it would have symbolized to you.

What are you talking about?

Look, Ira, when we got married, you moved into my house that I paid for. But

when you started making more money than me, you thought I gave you the right to

call all the shots. What car we bought, where we went on vacation.

You even tried to tell me what drapes to pick out.

I had a cousin in the business.

The point is, with you, money means control.

That's not true.

Didn't I always let you spend your allowance any way you wanted?

Let's stop talking about this before I say something I'll regret you pompous

ass. Oops, too late.

Okay, fine. Forgive me for trying to help. I just hope you know what you're

doing with Mary Ann.

Well, she's a lot of things.

Eccentric, erratic.

Vengeful, psychotic.

But at least I can depend on her to lend me the money with those strings

attached.

She's not a control freak like some people I know.

Just put those tiles over there.

No, on second thought, I think they should go over there.

Marianne, what? Just a minute.

Funny, I never get tired of that.

Who are these men? What happened to the roofers I hired? Oh, I had to let them

go. You let them go?

Darling, they were gouging you, and they refused to renegotiate. So you let them

go? Well, I thought since I really am the one who's paying for this.

Here are the color samples for the inlay.

Definitely that one. I didn't order an inlay. It's just a little embellishment.

A simple sunburst in baby blue.

Sunburst? On the roof?

I got them to throw it in for free. A plain tile roof is so prefab, don't you

think? But I don't want a baby blue sunburst on my roof.

I don't want anything baby blue on my roof.

Well, I suppose we could ask for pink.

Here I am. It's my roof.

Let's not quibble over technicalities. Listen, your agent called.

We had a very interesting chat.

About what?

Your career choices.

Did you actually turn down a Japanese cigarette commercial?

Yes, I turned down Yokohama Slim.

It is morally wrong to help sell cigarettes.

Sybil.

Sybil, Sybil, Sybil.

hardly think someone in your financial situation is in a position to have

What?

And another thing, I want to talk to you about your phone bill. You're never

going to be able to pay me back if you keep accepting collect calls from every

Tom, Dick, and grandmother.

My phone bill is none of your business. And what are you doing opening my mail?

Darling, you asked for financial help. I'm giving you financial help. And

clearly it was a mistake. I'm going to pay you back as soon as possible.

the paper?

What are you doing?

I'm going to find a job.

No kidding.

What can you do?

I mean, besides acting.

Marianne, there are lots of things out there for a person like me to do. You'll

see, this is going to take me places I've never been before.

The swordfish is an excellent choice. Would you like baked potato or rice

Gee, let me think about that.

You'll eat what I bring you.

Oh, waitress.

You're not my only customer, ma 'am.

I know, but the rice is a bit clumpy.

I prefer it fluffy.

Oh, please.

Allow me to fluff it up for you.

How's that?

Oh, Sybil, this is so unbecoming.

Degrading yourself just to make a silly point. I'm not degrading myself.

I'm working to pay you back. Besides, I really like being a waitress.

Uh -huh, and I really like... What's that thing you do to take the wrinkles

of your clothes?

It's called ironing, Leona.

Fibble, could you take table six? I have to do a Caesar on four.

I'll tell you what.

I'll trade you for the bald guy on two. He keeps trying to put his hands on my

ass. Oh, him?

It's all talk.

Look, what can I say? I love the Jurassic Park 2 script. It's just

cast a woman.

I mean, where are we going to find a blonde, funny, 40s, ex -beauty queen

completely unknown?

Who's a Caesar?

That's Steven Spielberg.

And he's got a part that's perfect for me. I can't let him see me like this.

Quick, quick, the apron, the apron.

Okay, let's go. Here, here, wait, put this on. Oh, okay.

Okay, all right. Okay.

Is anyone using this chair?

No.

Good.

Look, Steve.

Excuse me.

Are you our waitress? I'd like some more iced tea.

Do I look like a waitress?

I'm an actress.

I don't want to waste your time.

But I've heard the type you want for Jurassic 2.

I'd like to point out to you that sometimes exactly what you're looking

right under your nose.

You know, she's absolutely right.

You better believe I'm right.

Then why are we killing ourselves looking for an unknown?

We just had lunch with Goldie Hawn yesterday.

Let's use her.

Thanks. What were you saying?

I hated Hook.

So, how'd it go?

I think I got Goldie Hawn another job.

I just met Steven Spielberg.

Congratulations. I told him he was a hack.

Oh, my, I guess you do like waitressing.

Check, please.

Why don't we just take it off my tab?

Oh, for God's sake. Sybil, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to help you.

You're the one who insisted on turning it into a business transaction.

Were you the one who thought that meant you could turn my roof into a helipad?

Fine, have a boring roof.

Just take off those ridiculous clothes and let's go do something fun.

Come on, let's go cruising for dumb guys.

No, things aren't the same between us. Until I pay you back, we can't be equal.

But darling, we are equal. I just have money, status, and power while you

have... What is that you have again?

I have my pride.

This tray.

And my pride.

And I have this job.

Sybil, I just heard. It's so unfair.

What?

Oh, you don't know, do you?

We're out of snapper.

I'm fired, aren't I? If you hurry, you can still use your employee discount on

drinks.

Quick, two double vodkas.

You want anything?

We have a day.

Graveline tour.

We're going to ride around in a hearse and see where all those famous people

killed.

And then I was going to take you out for yogurt.

Oh, sorry, Dad, but I have to work.

You got a job? Where?

The burger barn.

Oh, paper hat job, huh?

What do they have you doing?

Hmm. What can I tell you that you can't already smell in my hair?

Would you like a lid on that?

Hey, I'm really proud.

You weren't listening, were you?

It's great for a kid your age to be working.

Teaches responsibility, builds character.

Shortens childhood.

I remember my first job. Oh, it was brutal.

Fifteen years old, working as a pool boy in the Hamptons.

You must still wake up screaming.

Hey, it may sound cushy, but those beach chairs are heavy. They were wooden back

then, not these flimsy plastic jobs they use now.

We also had to wash all the towels.

I'll never complain again.

Hey, can I give you a ride at least?

Um...

I'd rather you didn't. I told them you were dead.

Sylvie, how many times have I asked you not to tell people I'm dead?

Well, you got me the job.

Oh, okay. But this is the last time.

So where's your mom?

At work.

Where's she working this week?

I'm not sure. She said something about working with animals.

Jeez. I wish she'd find a job she liked.

Well, she did like working at the post office, but then she had to quit because

the guy next to her got a little jumpy.

Ah, working at the post office. That really takes me back. There was this one

guy... Dad, I'd love to hear about it, but just remember, life is finite.

Hey, Sean, pick up.

I got the job!

Yeah, that fake ID you got me worked like a charm.

So, can you give me a ride?

Thanks.

But don't come up to the house, okay? I'll sneak out and meet you at the

of the hill.

Yeah, I love you, too.

No, I'm not just saying that. Geez, what kind of liar do you think I am?

Mighty Graham.

Yes, you know it's your birthday.

You know it's your birthday today.

And just because a female has to do this birthday birthday,

have a really great birthday.

Cheap bastard.

It's a jungle out here.

it was me.

Process of elimination.

Dad's gorilla suit is at the cleaners.

Oh, goody! More bill!

Pick a number from one to ten.

Uh, three.

Okay.

And who's the lucky winner in the who's gonna be paid sweet steaks this week?

The gas company!

Yay!

Here.

What, are you billing me now, too?

Eighty dollars?

I got a job so I could pitch in.

You got a job where?

The burger barn.

I sell heart disease on a bun.

Oh, Zoe, you didn't have to do that.

This must be your whole paycheck.

No, I cut the little.

Anyway, I get a raise if I finish deep fat training.

Oh, honey, this is very sweet. Mother, you can't keep me from paying my own way

around here. It's important to me.

I'd be honored.

I am so proud to have you as my daughter.

Mom? Yes, sweetheart?

I'll give you another 20 bucks if you'll stop hugging me.

You owe me 20 bucks.

I have to get to work.

They're letting me melt the lard tonight.

Zoe, see if they have any other openings.

Hi, Marianne. Zoe. Hi, Mom.

Hi. Hi, Marianne. Magilla?

Go ahead. Give it your best shot. I wasn't going to say a word.

Aren't you afraid you might get arrested for impersonating a French woman?

Laugh all you want, but I got $12 in tips today.

Here, be more, but it cost a fortune to dry clean this thing.

Thank you.

I have something for you, too.

What?

A million dollars.

I want to buy back our friendship.

You can't buy back our friendship.

Is this good?

Of course not.

I was trying to make a point.

that you can't put a price on our friendship.

Actually not, but that's better than my point, so let's go with it.

I feel the same way, but it doesn't change the fact that I still owe you

I'd call the damn money a gift, but I know how much it would offend you.

Hold on, let's not be hasty.

We can't call the loan a gift, but I could, out of friendship to you, accept

gift and use it to repay the loan.

Hmm.

Convoluted, self -deceiving, irrational.

I'm surprised I didn't think of it.

Deal.

You're a little overdue for that dry cleaning, aren't you?

Oh,

go pong, please.

It's a nice little watering hole. I've never been here before. Hi, Marianne.

Black martini, two olives coming up.

Apparently I was mistaken.

Good news.

I got a commercial to do.

Congratulations!

But without your help, I probably would have never made it to the audition.

Here. What's this?

Well, you gave me a gift, so I'm giving you a gift, and I may give you a gift

every day until my gift equals your gift, or for the rest of my natural

whichever comes first.

I never want anything to get in the way of our friendship.

That could never happen, pal, because you're the gorilla in my dreams.

Excuse me. Your table's ready.

Thank you.

Do you know what?

The real revelation is Zoe.

Who would have thought she'd take a crummy job at a fast food joint just to

me out?

She's the same.

The poor girl is probably working her fingers to the bone.

I'll have a burger and fries to go, please. And hold the crab.