Original subtitles

Excuse me, can I ask you something?

Yeah, doll.

searching apart, and I was wondering if you could help me out a little.

What goes through your head when you're standing out here? Are you angry, bored,

scared? Do you take traveler's checks?

Sorry, I can't help you. I'm not a hooker either. I'm an actress too.

Really? You're very good.

What are you working on?

TV movie.

Courtney Cox plays a nun who saved me from the street.

What about you?

Sally Struthers, social worker. Same thing.

Excuse me.

We're both actresses, and we were wondering, what's it like to work the

It's me.

I'm with the L .A. Times. We're doing a series on the lighter side of hustling.

Hey, girls, can I ask you a few questions?

I'm writing a screenplay. Save it.

Actor, actor, reporter.

Oh, damn.

Let's try her.

Excuse me.

Are you a hooker?

Sergeant Jeffrey McClain, Hollywood Vice.

years ago today i gave birth to a baby girl and now she's all grown up and

beautiful did you buy me a car for what being born i'm the one who went through

23 hours of excruciating pain i'm the one with the stretch marks i'm the one

didn't sleep for six months because of your lead colic what you buy me a simple

no would suffice i did get you that leather jacket you want really

A leather jacket would sure look great driving around in a new car.

Tell her about your episiotomy.

It wasn't the cutting. It was more the stitching. Okay, okay.

Can I go now? My friends are waiting for me. Zoe, we haven't even eaten yet. And

I told you your friends were welcome to join us.

Well, I would have invited them if they don't find you as amusing as I do.

Isn't the mother -daughter bond a beautiful thing?

How would I know?

Believe this, there is no changing station in the ladies' room. And to make

matters worse, I'm at a baby wife's and I had to use toilet paper on little

William.

Rachel, relax.

We went camping once when you were a baby and I had to wipe your butt with a

leaf.

Mother, you're still here?

In into the valley of death.

Edward, are you okay?

Am I okay?

I'm about to have dinner with my girlfriend and my ex -wife because my ex

has this whacked -out California Tai Chi on the beach idea that we should all be

friends. No, I'm not okay.

There's my birthday girl.

Hiya, baby.

Guess what I have in here.

A very small car?

You want to hear about postpartum depression?

Hey, everyone. I'd like to meet Judy.

Hi, Judy.

Judy, this is Sybil and Mary Ann. You know Zoe, of course. And this is my

stepdaughter, Rachel Little William.

Go ahead. Open it.

Skates. Not just skates.

Rollerblade skates.

You don't like them?

No, they're great. Thanks, Dad. I bought a pair for myself so we can go skating

together. In public?

Hey, isn't that something? You finally got a set of wheels.

Thank you for inviting me. That was very brave of you.

Well, I wanted to meet you. And there's no reason we can't all be friends.

Of course, not like you and he are friends.

You and I will just have to be friendly friends.

Like he and I... Oh,

we could all just hop into bed together and let God sort it out.

I knew this was a bad idea.

Devil, I just have to say that I hate you for being a grandmother and looking

good. I like her. I like her a lot.

While you're in the hating mood, guess how much I weigh.

Oh, you two are great.

I believe you described them as a bitter lush and a soul -sucking heritage.

Very funny. I never said soul -sucking.

Hey, Zoe, having fun yet?

There's only one thing that could make me more miserable.

candles, remember?

It would appear as if Zoe has met the butthole of her dreams. That

was something, wasn't it? Sure was nice to see her smiling for a change.

Too bad about that big slab of romaine lettuce stuck to her teeth.

Well, she does take after her mom, doesn't she? Chip off the old slob.

Bob, Zoe, let's take on Ira's girlfriend.

You first.

I can't. I like her.

Damn. Me too.

Stop talking about her. She's here.

We weren't talking about you. But could you give us another five minutes?

You might want to know that your daughter's in the kitchen eating her

cake with the busboy. How romantic.

The eggs are laughing at me. The eggs are laughing at me.

I said close the cover before striking.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Oh, give us a kissy. Just a little kissy, kissy, kissy.

Thank you, Anna.

I'll see you out there.

Oh, my.

That was unexpected.

Some people sing in the shower. Maybe some people freak out on the toilet.

Sounds reasonable.

Or maybe she's just one maraca short of a mariachi band.

Well, we are going to go out there and pretend as if nothing happened.

You do realize what this means, don't you?

Yeah, now we can really dish her.

The Hindu goddess who creates worlds and then eats them?

Really? We should have her over.

Let me try on your scarf.

Oh, going out with the busboy tonight, huh?

His name is Sean.

Sweater. Sean? Would it be too intrusive if I was to ask about Sean?

He's my age, his parents are still married, but he's more screwed up than

And even though he's not classically handsome, when I talk about Kali, he

that that's the eater of worlds.

Now that's some special guy. Don't let him get away.

You think those pants would fit me?

One of my shoulders is higher than the other. I think I have scoliosis.

Maybe I should get a brace.

Oh, you don't have scoliosis.

I'm fat.

Oh, now, Zoe, don't start that again.

I am fat. Why don't you just admit it?

Okay, you're a big old red -headed cow.

Mother! What do you want from me? I'm fat!

Earring.

This is so pathetic. It's like I've never been out on a date before and I

my mother to help me dress.

Want me to leave?

No, don't leave.

No, just one.

Anything else?

Yeah, I need some advice.

Good, because I'm almost out of clothes.

Why do I feel so stupid around him?

Oh, honey, now this is something I can help you with.

You see, our culture teaches girls that they have to act dumb if they're going

to get... Oh, God, it's him! It's him! Answer it! Answer it!

Okay, I'm going. Mother?

What? Please put on some clothes.

Okay.

Okay, I'm going.

smart, so don't try to be clever.

Okay.

Zoe's been saying some really nice things about you.

Thanks.

She, uh, she has skin like milk.

I, uh, I'm lactose intolerant, but I still find it very attractive.

Well, maybe if you thought of her skin as more of a non -dairy creamer.

a married one.

in love like that again?

Head over heels?

No, I think the best we can hope for is heels over head.

If we're lucky.

Who was that?

Iris' girlfriend.

She called to say she was coming over.

Oh, is she coming over to have a conversation with your toilet?

Don't judge, Marianne.

You have talked to a few toilets face -to -face in your time.

Tuesday.

Hi. I hope I'm not disturbing you. Oh, not at all. Come on in.

Thanks. You remember Marianne. Hi. Hello.

I just felt bad I didn't have a present for Zoe the other night, and I wanted to

drop this off. Oh, that's so nice. Well, she's not on a date, but I'll make sure

she gets it.

Would you like a drink?

Uh, I could use a glass of water.

Follow me.

Every time you sunk a boat, you'd drink a shot.

That's a fabulous idea.

Civil, we should try that.

So, is going out with the bus boy?

Yes. Do you have any children?

No. Believe it or not, I've never been married.

Oh, what a lovely home you have.

You know, I mean, it looks elegant but lived in, like you're not afraid to put

your feet up on the furniture.

Yeah, that's what I was going for.

I think I'll join you.

I said a spatula, not a spoon. Are you insane?

Uh -oh, everyone's up. We're going into a tunnel.

And seven.

Bingo!

Oh, I am so thirsty.

I just recommend at least eight full glasses of water a day.

Well, she's very lucky to have a friend like you.

Stupid little goat!

I told you to watch your fingers. Don't you make me come in there!

Wish my best friend lived in L .A.

Martin Van Buren! Martin Van Buren!

Oh!

Let me try. And try what?

to do about what?

Hey, Ma! Them critters are back! Give me my gun!

Pull!

Pull!

Hey, you!

You! Come on over here! Five, six, seven, eight!

Mary Ann, we have a very big problem.

No, I think they have a very big problem.

You're going to have to tell Ira.

Tell him what?

That he divorced Sybil with a C and now he's dating Sybil with an S?

She will, and you have a nice night. Drive safely.

Toodle. Bye.

That is really sad.

Terrible. Tragedy.

sexual thing, am I?

Cute. I'm practicing.

What's up?

I need to talk to you about Judy.

Hey, Judy really likes you.

I like Judy.

Are you two getting serious?

Let's move it along.

Well, remember, slow and steady wins the race.

All right, what?

Boy, how can I put this?

Ira, your girlfriend has some real problems.

What kind of problems?

Well, I don't know exactly, but I do know if you get married, You don't want

honeymoon in Niagara Falls.

What are you talking about?

She's nuts.

And not just average nuts. We're talking turn -on -the -faucet Cujo nuts.

Wow.

Okay, I get it. I'm really sorry.

You're threatened by Judy. You're jealous. You can't deal with the fact

finally found somebody who's substantial and mature.

Somebody you can't make fun of.

That's not true.

I can make fun of her.

Listen.

We tried to get back together. It didn't work out.

I've moved on.

Maybe you should move on, too.

You know, Ira, you're right.

I'm just jealous. I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

It's totally understandable.

I'm going to go home now and do some long, hard thinking.

Yeah, don't beat yourself up too much.

Thanks.

Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? Of course I forgive you. You still

haven't finished grieving the loss of me.

had a good time tonight me too zoe um it's just that uh

tonight was um boy um what i've never

really felt oh man i was thinking the same thing really really yeah

i mean i i feel as if i've known you all my life yeah it's like um it's like

we're connected somehow yeah

Sean, I'm not sure I like it.

What do you mean?

Maybe we could go inside and talk.

or subtle way of saying, leave me alone, I don't want to talk about it.

Gee, you think?

Marianne, when a teenage girl wants to be left alone, you have to give them

their space.

I'll just make sure she's okay.

May I join you?

It's a big sky.

Yes, sweetheart?

Do you know what Marianne does when you're not here?

Is it legal?

Yeah, it's just not very seemly.

You want to talk about what happened tonight?

Nothing.

Nothing happened.

We went to a movie, then we took a walk, then we came home.

Did you have a good time?

Great time. He's really nice. Good. When are you going to see him again?

I'm not.

That makes a lot of sense.

All relationships end sooner or later.

People get hurt. What's the point?

Who says all relationships end sooner or later?

Look around.

You're right.

It's hopeless.

We might as well just lie here and die.

Reverse psychology, what am I, nine?

You're fat, too.

I am not.

See, it works.

Look, Zoe, I've had trouble with relationships in my life, too.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

But just because my two marriages failed doesn't mean that you can't have a

successful relationship.

I'm not a product of my environment. Thank you very much.

I know, you're a completely self -made woman.

But I just want you to think about it before you dump a guy who's hip about

goddess Kali and likes your milky skin.

He said my skin was milky?

Aren't you glad you listened to me about the sunblock?

So, I get home and Kevin's not even there. And I've been carrying that child

my chest for 12 hours like some old pack mule.

Anyway, to make a long story short, he just waltzes in at 9 .30 as if nothing

happened. P .S. I just up and walked.

out. Didn't say a word.

It's strange. I really thought when Rachel got married, we'd seen the last

her.

Oh, very funny, Zoe. Just so happens, Mom, Zoe's touching me. Make her stop.

I'm gonna have to separate you two. I will stop the car right now. I mean it!

Sybil? Yes?

What are we doing?

Synchronized laying.

Ah.

I think I'm lying on a sprinkler head.

Feels good.

What happened when you told Ira about Judy?

Apparently we were wrong. According to him, I'm just jealous.

Something wrong with Judy? I really liked her. No, nothing's wrong with her.

Nothing at all. She's terrific.

Yeah, well, you never had to go to a drive -thru car wash with her.

This feels great.

What a terrific idea.

Well, to be honest, I really can't take credit for it.

What do you mean?

Well, it was your ex -wife's idea. She told me how much she used to love

in a hot tub.

Interesting. She probably felt she owed me one after this scene she made at my

house. Well, no matter why she did it, it was a pretty classy gesture.

You know, the water's getting a little cool.

Oh, yeah.

Wait till it's more hot.