Original subtitles

Granny snack cakes, they're a little taste of heaven.

Granny snack cakes!

Granny snack cakes!

Now I know why they call you guys grits!

Is that from the top?

Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

What the hell kind of angel is this?

Who's that?

That's Granny.

Granny? I'm sorry, Miss Belmont. It's not my fault she told me she could

Hey, I can skate!

Listen to me carefully.

Angels don't skate.

They fly.

I can fly!

Flying. No problem. We'll have it set up by tomorrow.

Sybil, you're wrapped. 8 a .m. tomorrow.

You know, I'm so mad I could fire the whole bunch of you.

married to a stuntman named Jeff Robin.

Why? What'd he do to you?

He married me.

You don't remember? Terry Belmont, wife number two.

Terry? I don't believe this.

How are you? Oh, rich and pregnant.

How about you?

Not rich and not on your life.

You know, I never got to thank you.

For what?

Remember?

Before I married Jeff, you gave me some great advice.

You told me I should hock the ring and run like hell.

I give that advice to all of Jeff's fiancés. They never listen, but it's

for my karma.

So you remarried, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no. After Jeff, I swore I'd never get married again.

She wanted a baby, and he wanted a vasectomy. So, without him knowing, she

some of his sperm frozen.

Without him knowing?

How?

I didn't ask. Why not?

I didn't know how to phrase the question.

But why Jeff's sperm?

She could have a Nobel laureate. Why settle for Zippy the stuntman?

She's hoping that the baby gets his athletic skills and her smarts. What if

turns out the other way around?

You're going to tell it?

Well, I don't know. I mean, on one hand, I feel that Jeff has a moral and legal

right to know he's going to be a parent.

But I also feel that what the first ex -husband's second ex -wife does with her

ex -husband's sperm is none of the first ex -wife's business.

I believe Miss Manners did a column on that.

Stop being so paranoid. I'm not paranoid. Well, then let me hold him.

Willie. His name is Willie, and your hands aren't clean.

Yes, they are. Well, you got a call. No, I don't. You might drop him. I'll be

careful.

He's my baby. You can't play with him, okay?

Hey, it's Big Willie.

His name?

William.

Mom, is the bottle almost ready?

Coming right up. I thought you were breastfeeding.

I'm just taking a little break.

Why do you need a break? Weren't you the one who said breastfeeding is the most

beautiful, natural way a mother can bond with her child?

He bites, okay?

Just like the two of you.

You two made my nipples so sore they look like chocolate.

What?

We should be able to discuss the womanly art of breastfeeding.

Did you rub that sheep lanolin I gave you on your nipples? Fine,

live in the 50s.

Okay, let Grandma feed Billy Boy, Billy Boy. It's William, Mother.

And I'll feed him. If you don't hold the bottle just right, he gets real gassy.

Rachel? I know how to feed a baby.

If I didn't, you and Zoe would be dead.

Surprise!

Oh, look, it's Frosty the Sperm Man.

Ixnay on the erms bay.

Look, William, a new stroke.

Not just a stroller, a Parego stroller. Top of the line. Compliments of Grandpa

Jeff. And Step -Grandpa Ira. Daddy, Ira, thank you. That is so sweet.

You're welcome. All right.

Nothing's too good for the Willinator.

It's William.

William, William, William. Not Billy. Not Big Willie. Not Billy Boy. And

definitely not the Willinator.

How about Q -Ball?

Or Gumby. Can we call him Gumby?

You ever notice how old babies look like Nikita Khrushchev?

He does not. He looks like me.

Don't you think, Sim? Yeah, especially when he sucks on his foot.

Tell me, Jeff, have you ever thought about having more children of your own?

Sure, all the time.

Of course, my dad days are over. Had a vasectomy.

Snip, snip.

Snip, snip. What'd you do, go to Supercuts?

You know, I thought I didn't want any more kids.

But looking at Willie, it makes me sorry I did it.

I really think I'd be a much better father now.

I don't know, he's crying over spilt milk.

Not when you've got frozen yogurt.

What's that supposed to mean?

Jeff, come sit down.

How should I put this?

Do you know how they say that frozen orange juice is just as good as fresh

squeeze?

Granny's Snack Cakes. They're a little taste of heaven.

That was wrong, wasn't it?

Bring her down.

Let's chat while Scorsese here contemplates his future in the garment

I'll fix it, Miss Bellman.

Listen, as long as I'm just hanging out here, ha ha, there's something you

should probably know.

I'm here to see Terry Belmont.

You may want to fire me, but Jeff had a right to know, so I told him about the

baby, and he's very upset, and he may come here to talk to you about it. No,

there he is now.

Jeff. Jeff, I was just telling Terry. Not now, Sid.

I just want you to answer.

Jesus, you got big.

Good start, Jeff.

What are you doing here?

Is that my baby? None of your business. The hell it isn't. Maybe you two should

sit down over coffee and talk.

Except when you're doing it with my sperm. How'd you get it anyway?

I'm sure curious.

Now you're keeping track of your sperm? Gee, you weren't that particular when we

were married. She's got a point.

I have the right to know my own child.

I just want to be part of its life.

His life.

It's a boy.

Security! Hey, we don't need security.

This isn't over, Terry.

Come on, you two!

Uh, that's one hour for lunch.

Get over this. You're going to get me fired.

Jeff, I'm going through a canyon.

Oops.

Lost him.

What a shame.

Well, let's see if we can find something chic for young William.

Welcome to Le Fond Elite.

My name is Paolo.

Do you have an appointment?

No, I was just looking for an infant T -shirt. Maybe something with Muppet

babies on it.

Muppet babies?

We have Versace, Armani, Ferragamo, but no Muppet babies.

Okay, we'll just look around.

Sentiment. A glass of Chardonnay while you browse?

No, thanks. He's trying to cut back.

Just put his in my glass.

Could the store be any more pretentious? Do you want your grandson to be a power

baby or just one of the great unwiped?

Thank God he's already got the right stroller.

$200?

Computers don't cost that much. I know, dear. I wouldn't brag about it.

My turn to drive.

Probably Jeff.

Look,

a tiny tuxedo. Isn't that adorable?

Now that I've finally gotten Rachel to trust me with William, I am not about to

bring him home dressed like Bert Parks.

Imported from Italy.

Virgin wool.

$400? Excluding cufflinks.

Perfect for the Oscars. He doesn't go to the Oscars. He's a musician.

Come on, Marianne. Oh, at least let him try it on.

Marianne. What?

Oh, right.

It's a baby.

Cute as a dickens.

You forgot the baby.

Oh, my.

Talk about your faux pas.

bottle of tequila, you would have remembered him.

Right. Like you never left anything in a door.

Nothing I was related to.

Rachel's trying to reach you. Oh, I forgot to turn my phone back on. Tell

what, next time my son is in town, you can take him anywhere you want and leave

him there.

I thought Kevin and Rachel went to the movies. Yeah, she called from the

theater. By the way, she said I could play with the baby if I wanted to.

Okay. You can change his diaper.

I walked right into that, didn't I?

Yep, you're getting rusty.

Zoe knows how to change a diaper.

Are you kidding? She used to change her own.

Why'd you turn your phone off? I didn't want to talk to you.

You don't have to talk to me. You have to talk to Terry.

She keeps hanging up on me. Maybe she doesn't know how to turn her phone off.

Look, Sib, I just want to be part of this kid's life.

Well, why don't you tell her what you told me today?

That now you know how to be a good father. She won't listen to me.

Mom, could you come in here for a minute?

Jeff, I'm busy now.

Please, Sib. She likes you.

Mom!

I said no!

So, the Iceman cometh.

I'm not an expert in the area, but aren't boys usually supposed to have a

That is not William.

That's a girl.

Yeah, that was my take on it.

Oh, my God. We must have taken the wrong stroller, Barry.

That is the worst circumcision I've ever seen.

Well, thank God you're still here.

Remember me? I was here about an hour ago.

But of course, the Muppet Baby Lady.

Now, you listen to me. Let me handle this.

Signor Paolo, here's our predicamento.

Somehow, my absent -minded friend managed to leave your store with the

baby. You only left the store with the wrong baby because you left the baby in

the middle of the store. You want a nitpick or you want to find a baby?

So you see, obviously one of your other customers has our baby.

Oh, how terrible for you.

Unfortunately, we're about to close.

You listen to me, you phony Euro trash ferret.

That is not my grandbaby.

Somebody else has my grandbaby.

And you're going to help us find it, capiche?

You're a grandmother? You're so young.

Really?

Somebody's having your baby and won't let you be part of it.

The final fruit of your loins.

I still don't understand what she was doing with your loin fruit in the first

place.

Well, I used to drink a lot.

I didn't always pay attention to what she was doing.

Wait a second. You mean she... No, I don't want to know.

I really loved her, Ira.

She's an incredible woman.

Resourceful, too.

Why'd you cheat on her?

I was stupid.

Didn't know what I had.

She's so warm and compassionate.

And sex.

Sex with Terry was the best.

Even better than you know who?

Oh, yeah.

I was always intimidated by Sybil.

She knew more than I did.

Really.

I always liked that.

Boy, if I could do it all over again, I'd sure do things different.

Should I teach you that Siamese thing?

Yeah.

It's pretty complicated.

If Terry would just let me talk to her, I bet I could change her mind.

What was so complicated?

You just had to remember to arch your feet.

Ira. Sorry.

You know what you have to do if you want Terry to give you a second chance?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Anyway, I was just wondering, have you noticed anything different about your

baby?

Like, does she have a penis?

Listen, I'm sorry about your missing baby, but some of us have dinner

reservations.

Give me those receipts.

Jeff, I told you, I don't have time.

Rachel, sweetheart.

How was the movie?

Oh, that's too bad. You expect more from Kevin Costner.

The baby's fine. He's sleeping.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you two go out for a nice, long, romantic dinner on me?

Okay. I'll talk to you later.

Eat slow.

I lost her baby. I'm going to Grandma Hell.

That's her.

That's Dominique.

William.

I have no idea how this could have happened. We feel just awful. Well, I

only hope you'll be a little more careful in the future.

Wait a minute.

This isn't William.

Of course it's William Sibyl. All babies look alike.

It's not William. I'm his grandmother. I know.

Besides, where's his penis?

How could you?

Excuse me. There seems to be a little mix -up here.

Stephanie, thank God.

Uh -uh. First you show me yours.

Yes, William, did you meet your...

Can I babysit again soon?

I feel like I hardly spent any time with him at all.

Mother, you think I don't know what you did?

What? You put him in a Snuggies diaper. We only use puppies.

Sorry.

Are you telling Rachel about your exciting day with the baby?

Oh, it wasn't that exciting.

Come on, Mom, I really want to hear.

Really? We just, uh, did a little shopping.

Remember to stop off at Nordstrom's to pick up that leather jacket you promised

me?

Yes, but darn the luck.

They're out of stock and not expecting any more until Christmas.

Gee, I think I heard they were going to get some by Halloween.

No, they're not expecting any more until Thanksgiving at the earliest.

Deal. Come on, William.

Let's make sure Grandma hasn't caused a rash on your little widdle diddle.

Grateful Grandma found his widdle diddle.

Hello? Jeff?

What is it, Jeff?

Sybil, I've made a decision.

About what?

She wants to know about what?

About Terry.

About Terry?

Is that I? Where are you?

I decided I'm going to go over to her house and make her listen to... Reason.

Reason.

Jeff, you're drunk.

I am not.

I can smell your breath from here.

Sybil, you know how much I've changed. Look, you've got to talk to her. She'll

listen to you.

You speak the same language. You know, women are from Pluto and men are from...

Goofy? Goofy.

Okay, I'll go talk to her. But I can't promise it'll make any difference.

Thanks. You are the best ex -wife in the whole world. In the whole universe. In

the whole galaxy.

Bye. The universe is bigger than the galaxy. Says who?

Goodbye!

So,

who was that?

A couple of guys from the planet Goofy.

I don't want to talk about Jeff.

Look, I know what he did to you. Hell, he did it to me first. And I was just as

angry and bitter.

Angrier and bitterer.

More bitter.

Why are you defending him? Come on, you can't blame the man for wanting to know

his own son.

Mmm, that smells great. What is that?

Chocolate chip cherry bombs.

I bake whenever I get upset.

Really? I eat whenever I get upset.

Most people do.

That's why I'm rich.

No, thanks. I'm on a low chocolate chip cherry bomb diet.

Okay, maybe just one.

You know how Granny Cakes got started?

Jeff forgot to come home for our first anniversary.

I was so mad, I went in the kitchen and invented Big Banana Swirl Fudge Cake.

I love Big Banana Swirl Fudge Cake.

We have Jeff to thank for Big Banana Fudge Swirl Cake?

Yeah.

I should have dumped him then.

Of course, if I had.

I wouldn't have caught him with that tram driver at the Universal Tour.

And then there'd be no peach cobbler creamy dreamies.

Oh, I love peach cobbler creamy dreamies.

It got me through my second divorce.

Well, them and Kahlua.

He broke my heart and turned me into an angry workaholic.

But damn, the sex was incredible.

Wait a minute. This is Jeff we're talking about, right?

Mr. Wham Bam Oh, look, the game's on, ma 'am.

Not my Jeff.

I never been with a man who knew so much about making love.

He did this one thing.

He called the Jeff Robbins Siamese special.

Harry, I don't know how to tell you this, but you were in bed with me.

You taught him that stuff?

Mm -hmm.

Have another muffin.

Take the tray.

Thanks!

You know...

Jeff really has changed since you knew him. He's grown up a lot.

We both know he has a good heart. Oh, please, Sybil.

You still love him, don't you?

Of course I do.

Why would I be having his baby after all these years?

That's what I thought.

And while we're on the subject, I've been wondering, just exactly how did you

manage that?

Well, okay.

See, I got some dry ice.

And I went into the bedroom.

Oh, my God. Wait a minute. You went into the bedroom and what?

Terry, what do you want?

I want to talk to you.

Listen, I know I wasn't the best husband in the world. You weren't the best

husband on the block.

No, I know. But Terry, if I could, if I could turn back the hands

of time.

What?

If I could turn back the hands of time.

Who's that?

My second ex -husband, Ira.

Hi, fib.

Are you expecting anyone else?

Nope, that's it.

Terry, you gotta listen to me.

Quick, while he's climbing up. What did you do with the dry ice?

What?

I know I was a rotten husband. I know I hurt you.

But the truth is, I've never loved anyone more in my whole life.

I'm sorry, Sid, you understand.

No, it's quite all right. Go on.

And I know something else.

You wouldn't be having this baby if you didn't still feel something for me, too.

Is that all?

No.

I really miss you. Oh, God, me too.

She's having Jeff's baby.

What a wonderful way of saying how much she loves him.

She's having Jeff's baby. Ira, please don't sing.

What a wonderful way of saying she's thinking of him.

I can see it. Her face is glowing. I said please. She's a woman in love and

loves what it's doing to her.