Original subtitles

I could sure go for a beer right about now. Oh, yeah, a couple of cold frow

-mices.

Grandma would be really something if she let her hair down. You're telling me.

What's the next chapter?

Boston Tea Party.

Did somebody say party?

Yes.

Sit to the library.

Have a frownmeister.

Frownmeister? Why didn't you say so?

Frownmeister, a party in every can.

And cut.

That's great, everybody.

All right, let's reset and try it again.

Excuse me, Winnie.

Can I talk to you a minute? Yeah, sure, Seb. What's up? I don't mean to be a

stick in the mud. This is not the commercial I agreed to do. Yeah, I know.

punched it up. Boy, did you ever. Now it's really degrading to women.

Degrading to women? What do you mean, babe?

A party in every can and then we shake our butt?

Uh -huh.

That implies this beer makes women sexually available.

I sure hope so.

I think a lot of women are going to have a problem with that.

I know it makes me very uncomfortable.

I understand completely.

Hey, Ingrid, you want to be the librarian?

Wait, wait. I want this job. I need this job.

But don't you think the audience realizes you're trying to manipulate

images of young, perky breasts?

Not that I'm jealous.

Okay, I'm a little jealous.

Let me hear you say, shh.

Shh.

How about when I'm dancing, I whip this open and wink at the camera?

If God is a woman, I'm going to hell.

I have a mortgage and a daughter who's going to college soon.

I guess this means I'm buying lunch again.

I'm a whore.

You are not.

Mary Ann, that commercial was offensive to everything I believe in, but I did it

anyway for the money.

Oh, my, you are a whore.

With a capital HO.

Don't we all prostitute ourselves?

I'm no different than anybody else who has to get up in the morning and work at

a job that robs them of their self -esteem.

that treats them like a soulless robot with no value, no worth.

Could I possibly get a fork that doesn't have dried egg on it?

Oh, God.

Mary Ann, I used to have the dream.

I was going to be a great actor, make people laugh, make people cry.

You made our waiter cry?

I was going to be a great mother, someone my daughters could trust.

Ha!

I was going to grow old with a sensitive, loving man by my side. Ha!

I wouldn't.

I'd sage.

I'd be able to look in the mirror and say, wrinkling, sagging, pooching skin,

love you.

Ha, hey.

Sorry, I thought we were on a roll.

I'm a big old sloppy, sloppy failure.

And a whore.

Use your fork.

I used to know who I was, where my life was going. Now I just feel lost.

Maybe I need to shrink.

Dr. Gold has always worked wonders for me.

You have a therapist?

The best. Let me introduce you.

Sybil, meet Dr.

Gold.

Dr. Gold.

Do you know how long I've wanted one of these purses? Oh, I love this little

piggy purse.

It's so perfectly useless.

Should we take along some beer? What have you got?

Fraumeister. Sure.

A party in every can.

That's really scary.

No, Zoe, I can't. Why not? It'll be fun.

Hi, Zoe. Rach, how you feeling? Fine, Mother, fine.

I don't think Kevin would like me going to a party at Tori Spelling's house

while he's out of town. Tori Spelling? Come on. Well, tell everybody I'm a post

-op transsexual and you're my unfaithful lover. We'll be the most interesting

couple there.

What kind of party? And how do you know Tori Spelling? So, I'll meet you at the

boat and we'll unload everything. Sounds like a plan.

What boat? Hello.

Hi, Thad. Hey, pumpkin.

So, you're okay about the saddle? No problem. What party? What boat? What

saddle? I think someone's going to ride Tori Spelling through the marina.

I was invited to a party at Aaron's Spellings. I'm taking Zoe with me. Oh,

Kevin. I'll go, too.

I found this great houseboat to rent. Ira's helping me move.

You're finally moving out?

Jeff, don't toy with me. I'm not.

I did an informal survey, and a majority of the women I'm dating think it's

pathetic for a man my age to be living over at his ex -wife's garage.

I don't believe it. No, it's true. Four out of five.

You've been great, Thibble. Thanks a lot.

Let's roll. Come on, Duke.

Rachel, wait.

Since Kevin's out of town, why don't you come over here for a few nights?

That's okay, Mom. I'm fine. Well, listen, if you get lonely, feel free to

over. Hey, I have a new video on alternative birthing techniques. We

it together.

Mother, give it a rest.

You're not going to try talking me into some kind of medieval underwater midwife

birth. It doesn't have to be underwater.

For the last time, it's my baby, and I'm going to have it the way God intended,

in a hospital with doctors and drugs.

I was just trying to be helpful. If you want to be helpful, try knitting baby

blankets like other grandmothers.

Okay. Hey, I know.

I could use a sacred Navajo pattern that would bring the baby wisdom and good

fortune. Oh, great, a sacred Navajo pattern. That should go well with the

wallpaper.

Oh, and by the way, Mom, you know, I might have a boy. Do you consider that

before you bought the toy purse?

It's not a toy. It's very chic and fashionable.

And empty and useless like my life.

Did I mention your cuticles have never looked better?

Marianne, do you see what's going on here?

All the people in my life have lives of their own that don't include me. I

don't.

I'm an asterisk, a footnote, a blonde afterthought. Oh, poor baby.

Here, drink this.

It's called alcohol.

And it'll make you not care.

No, no more drinking, no more eating, no more shopping.

All that does is fill up your closet and your stomach.

Not your soul.

Oh, dear. Have you been listening to those self -help tapes again?

Marianne, I feel empty inside.

Family doesn't fill the void.

Work doesn't fill the void.

It's been over a year since a man filled a... Well, you know what I mean.

A year?

I'm thinking of having it bronzed.

I know what I have to do.

I should think so. Should we head for a singles bar or do you want to order in?

I've got to get out of here.

I've got to go somewhere where there's no distractions, where there's some

answers, where I can be totally alone. Oh, goody, where are we going?

A spiritual retreat.

To the desert!

Palm Springs!

Oh, I love Palm Springs.

This isn't Palm Springs.

Where are all the pretty hotels?

I knew you'd like it.

Come on, open yourself up.

Feel the energy. The desert is a power place.

Spago's is a power place.

This is hell, only with bigger bugs.

You'll thank me. You'll see. We're going to meditate. We're going to fast.

What do you mean fast?

have been having profound experiences in the desert for thousands of years. Name

three. Well, Jesus.

And Moses.

And, uh, Bugsy Siegel.

Bugsy Siegel?

He counts.

Come on, let's meditate.

Focus on your breathing.

When your mind wanders, just bring it back to the breath.

fast on an empty stomach.

Well, at least give me a bite. Ha, you big hypocrite.

I cannot believe you did that.

You can't have a spiritual experience with a mouthful of chocolate.

You can if there's a creamy nougat center.

It's working.

It's been my job. It's done.

Damn. What?

This isn't the right spot.

The energy isn't converging. How's your spot?

Great. Very spiritual.

Converging like old ghetto.

Really? Can I try it?

Maybe later.

I think I may be starting to levitate.

Oh, wonderful. I'm sitting on a big pointy rock.

Now my job is done.

lot more progress if you weren't here. Fine. Give me the keys to the car and I

won't be.

You'd leave me out here all by myself?

Look, this wasn't my idea.

I'm not the one looking for answers to her empty life.

Maybe you should be.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, what do you do all day?

Shop? Get your hair done? Bitch about your ex? That's not empty.

That's busy.

Busy, busy, busy.

it full of it full of it the truth is you can't sit still because if you did

you'd have to take a good hard look at who you really are i know who i really

are you're the one who got screwed up with this self -indulgent new age yuppie

crap meditating fasting raising the

your negative energy.

I am going to achieve oneness with the universe and then you're gonna get it!

frustrated, tired, and really hungry.

Oh, all right.

Thanks.

You know, you were right.

What do you expect to find out here? Some blinding insight?

Some ancient spirit is going to rise up out of the ground and tell me the

meaning of it? life?

Hibble, life is a party in every can.

You were right about one thing.

My life is sad and empty, too.

All I do is shop for fabulous clothes, eat in posh restaurants, get pampered in

the finest salons.

Why me, God?

No one needs us anymore, Marianne. Husbands are gone, kids are grown.

I remember teaching them how to dress themselves.

Yeah, kissing their boo -boos when they fell down.

Cutting their meat into little chunks.

Ira wouldn't eat it unless I did it just so.

I guess I just miss being needed.

I need you.

I need you too.

Maybe that's the answer.

Maybe that's all any of us can ever expect out of life.

One good friend.

Boy, that's depressing.

Tell me about it.

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

Rachel, honey, you want some ice to chew on? Yeah, have some ice, sweetheart.

Ice is good. Get the hell away from me!

Great. You want to talk to her?

It's your husband.

Hi, honey.

Where are you?

Oh, Minneapolis.

That's nice. How's the conference?

Uh -huh.

Oh, that's great.

Get your scrawny ass back to L .A. now!

You know, this could just be a false alarm.

After all, I am three weeks early.

Yeah, it could be.

Liars, you're all liars.

Hey, Rachel. I'm here.

Mommy. Don't get too close since she bites.

Okay, sweetheart, I want you to sit up. You'll be more comfortable.

Where were you? Your nose said you went to the desert. Mommy, mommy, mommy.

We called every hotel in Palm Springs.

We weren't at a hotel. We went to a power place in the desert where we

our bodies and souls and then raised the cone of silence.

Power, cone of power.

I told you they were out drinking.

to dare to say no.

Get the doctor.

Go.

And see if you can find a bagel or something.

Hi, Rach.

Hi, Rach.

Can we do anything?

Buy her magazine.

Good idea. She looks a little bored.

Hey, Rach, have you seen the new Vanity Fair?

Ow, ow, ow. We'll just pick something out. Ow, ow, ow.

Mom, when's it going to be over? Soon, honey, soon. I know it hurts a lot.

But you'll see, it's worth it. It's a beautiful experience. It's like pushing

turkey out through your nose.

count finger and toes?

Mm -hmm.

They're all there. Even got a couple of the bear.

What?

I'm kidding.

Everything's fine.

You have a beautiful, perfect baby.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

It's a miracle.

Mom, thank you so much for being here.

Where else would I be, honey?

What was all that about?

Desert? What were you doing in the desert?

Looking for answers.

Answers to what? I forget.

Well, I'm just glad Dad managed to find you.

Your dad didn't find me.

My grandson did.