Original subtitles

And with Mommy's good knives.

It was time for her nap, Mommy.

And you look tired, too.

Good night, Mommy.

What? Have you...

TV show wins its time slot every week.

Well, I guess that's why you get to star in your own movie while others spend 25

years learning their craft, only to be killed off during the opening credits.

Sit up outside for Mom's fall off the balcony.

Stud doubles.

Is that okay?

Yeah, fine. You two are brilliant. Just brilliant.

How come she gets a bigger knife than me? How come she has more money?

Do not try telling.

I show wins its time slot every night.

Maybe you'd kill me on that one.

Hey, Sip.

Hi, Jeff.

Jeff!

Like looking in a mirror, huh?

Maybe if I was on acid.

What are you doing here, Jeff? Well, the regular stunt guy got hurt and they

called me to fill in. Isn't it great? I mean, you and me working together,

living in the same house. It's almost like being married again.

Except that you're not dating as much.

Hey, how about we carpool tomorrow?

Jeff, sit down.

Cross your legs.

Jeff, when I invited you to live over the garage, I was thinking a week or two

tops. And, well, I hate to be pushy, but it's been two months.

Say no more. You've been extremely patient. And I don't want to wear out my

welcome. So when are you going to move out? A week or two tops.

Say, how about I buy dinner tonight?

Oh, that isn't really necessary. No, no, I insist.

Here's ten bucks.

Drop by the Colonel on the way home and pick up a bucket.

You want fries with that?

No, us girls got to watch our figures, know what I mean?

Hey, Stretch.

You ever go out with a stuntman before?

Well, actually, yes.

How about two stuntmen?

Tempting. I better not.

However... See that big old country girl over there? I think

she might be interested.

Really? Thanks.

We may need reinforcements.

or creme brulee.

Sure.

Or we could split a deep fried river rat. They're always good.

Okie doke.

Will you turn off that stupid trial?

Are you insane?

It's gavel to gavel coverage.

And I don't intend to miss a single gavel.

Let me save you some time.

Whether or not he did it, this is L .A. He'll walk.

And oh, what a walk it is.

So I gotta jump on this horse buck naked.

But she startles, and I land on the business end of the saddle horn.

Keep pouring until that's gone.

I don't see enough of him these days. Sybil, look at this. The prosecutor's

an off -the -rack dress and a bad perm. What are we paying taxes for? That's

exactly my point.

Hello, ladies.

Jeff, we had a deal. I don't go to the topless donut shop near the airport, and

you don't come here.

Oh, come on, Sybil. I'm celebrating.

You finally found your own apartment?

Even better, I quit my job. You quit?

Ah, quit, fired, same difference.

DNA, shmeana, without a murder weapon, you've got bupka.

Jeff, what happened? Well, I kind of got in a little fight with the dwarves.

You hit dwarves?

Well, they started it.

One of them made some smart remark about my dress.

I said, watch your mouth, Rumpelstiltskin.

He takes it personal.

Jumps to my back, starts punching me in the neck.

You're lucky he jumped before he started punching.

So, I grab him by the belt, lob him at his pal like they tell you to do. Next

thing I know, security's escorting me off the lot.

Like they tell you to do.

Well, it's common knowledge.

Punch a shark in the nose, stare down a lion.

Lob a dwarf by the belt.

Even I know that.

Anyway, I think it's for the best.

I mean, I've outgrown stunt work.

It's time I found something more fulfilling.

Well, that's great, but how does it affect the farewell Jeff party we had

planned?

Don't worry, Sybil. I'll have a new job. I'll be out of the house before you

know it. A week or two tops. I know.

I'll see you back at the ranch.

Bye, Marianne. Bye, Gulliver.

Marianne, how do I get the man out of my house?

Easy. Marry him again.

Discover what you're best at. Can I help?

Go away, Zoe.

What are you writing?

A list of my people skills.

Oh, cool. Outgoing, friendly.

Don't forget dwarf throwing. That's a people skill.

Good news, Jeff.

According to this book, if we take into account your people skills and data

skills and mechanical skills, the career you're best suited for is organ donor.

Go away.

Zoe. Think about it. In today's market, one healthy kidney is a nice chunk of

change. Go away, Zoe.

And don't forget, bone marrow is a renewable resource.

Zoe.

Believe it or not, I do care what you think of me.

And you're really hurting my feelings.

I am?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just kidding.

Chump. Go away, Zoe.

I just wanted you to know that I'm really proud of you. Well, thank you,

So have we decided what we're going to be when we grow up?

Go away, Sybil.

Well, come on. How's it going?

Well, this book is no help. I think I'm going to put out some feelers. I know a

lot of important people in the industry.

Once they find out I'm available, the phone will be ringing off the hook. I'm

sure it will.

Well, just out of curiosity, when these important people call, what will they be

asking you to do?

Well, movies, TV things, lunches, meetings, giving your opinion. I'm great

that stuff.

I think you're being a little naive, Jeff.

There's a lot more to being an entertainment executive than meeting,

handing out uninformed opinions.

I really appreciate it.

Look at him.

That's not good.

Not good at all. That's bad.

Why doesn't he just go back to stunt work?

He says he doesn't want to take a step back. That's understandable.

One more step back and he won't have opposable thumbs.

I've tried to talk to him, but he won't listen to me. So, naturally, ask your

other ex -husband to talk to him. You guys have a lot in common. He's a man,

you're a man. He's switching careers, you switch careers.

He's a man, you're a man?

I'm what kind of man?

Big, strong, helpful man.

And? A man who's not paying me alimony yet.

Jeff, how you doing, old pal?

What do you want?

Oh, thought I'd just come over and hang.

So, how goes the battle, big guy?

Got a lot of irons in the fire, a week or two tops.

Good, good, glad to hear it.

Well, there's a lot of male bonding going on here. I think I'll just go up

darn some socks.

Can some fruit.

Jeff, you mind if I give you a little advice?

Make it fast. I'm expecting a call.

Sure you are.

When I decided to become a writer, I didn't just quit my job at the law firm.

I wrote at night.

Sure, I lost in sleep.

And a few clients went to jail who perhaps shouldn't have.

The important thing is I kept my cash flow going and never had to live over

anyone's garage.

I can't go back to being a stuntman.

Why? Because of your pride?

Look at you. What do you have to be proud of?

Ira, let me tell you a story.

Oh, boy, a story.

I've been a stuntman for 26 years.

I learned from the best in the business.

A man by the name of Stitch Sullivan.

If he was the best, why was his name Stitch?

You want to hear the story or not?

Yeah, what the hell?

Well, Stitch taught me how to take a fall, how to roll a car, handle

But you know what the most important thing he taught me was? Wear a cup?

I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.

Go on.

He taught me to never think about the fear.

And I never did.

Until last week.

Is that the problem?

You're scared?

That's why I sucker punched the dwarf and got myself fired.

I just couldn't face the fall off the balcony.

Okay, so you got scared.

I can understand that.

I can't understand why you're picking on dwarves, but fear, I understand.

Oh, sure, you're a writer. What do you got to be scared of, paper cuts?

Hey, let me tell you something, buddy.

There is no fear greater than facing a blank page.

And I have to do it every day of my life.

I never thought of that.

So you're saying that someday you might wake up and not have any ideas?

Exactly.

Interesting.

Well... What happens if a really long time goes by and you still can't come up

with anything?

Well, you hope that won't happen.

That's why a lot of you guys commit suicide.

I... I guess.

Oh, man.

All of a sudden, you're empty. Dry as a bone.

Death city.

Yeah.

And the worst thing is you never know when it's gonna happen.

I can't breathe.

Hey! How's it going in here?

Well... I found out why Jeff won't leave your house.

And?

And... I don't think I can leave either.

Let's hurry.

I don't want to... miss the forensics testimony.

Relax, Marianne. Look around.

A lot of these people used to be famous.

You're right.

There's Cesar Romero.

Cesar Romero is dead.

Well, then somebody should get him out of the sun.

Oh, this isn't a hand. It's a foot.

Just once.

Just once. Could you say something besides, this isn't a hand. It's a foot.

Say it's an ankle. Say it's a leg.

A bladder?

This isn't a hand as a bladder. What the hell is that?

You know what a bladder is? It's a thing you can't control anymore.

Come on, fellas, let's play cards.

Okay, I'm in for a nickel.

Nickel? What's the matter? Ain't you got nothing smaller?

Yeah, but my zipper's stuck.

Hey, fellas, look.

Chex's. Where, where?

I only had my prostate back for just an hour.

Fuck, fuck.

Excuse me. I'm looking for Stitch Sullivan.

Oh, he's over there by the window.

Can I touch your tushy?

What?

Don't worry, Cupcake. Nothing on him works but his mouth.

Do you know who I am, baby?

No, but I'm sure after a little nap you'll remember.

I just want to say I loved you guys in The Little Rascals.

Sullivan?

Stitch?

Oh, boy.

Hey, Charlie Sheen bought us hookers again.

Mr. Sullivan, I'm Sybil Sheridan.

Do you remember a guy named Jeff Robbins? He's a stuntman.

Sure, I remember Jeff.

What's the deal? He gets you pregnant.

Well, yeah, 24 years ago.

Well, good luck in getting him to marry you now.

Mr. Sullivan, Jeff has lost his nerve.

Can't work anymore.

Couldn't bring himself to tell me. Had to tell my other ex -husband, Ira.

I know how important you are to him. He talks about you all the time. Dick

Sullivan, the best stuntman in the business.

So I thought if anyone could help him out of this, it'd be you. What do you

think?

Mr. Sullivan?

What do you say? Want to come to my house and talk to Jeff?

Who?

Oh, yeah.

Well, what's in it for me, Angel Face?

I'll make you lunch.

Oh, good enough.

You don't need your wheelchair?

Nah, I just use it to cruise for broads. Without wheels, they won't even look at

you.

So the bear said, you didn't come here to hunt, did you?

You didn't come here to hunt.

That's rich.

Mary Ann, time to go.

Sorry, boys. Gotta run.

Thanks for letting us touch your tushy.

It was an honor.

You let them touch your tushy? Yep.

Knew I can cash some Social Security checks.

Jack, give me the remote, quick.

Oh, no. What is she wearing now? Oh, I definitely object.

Jack? Look at the hair.

Ditch Sullivan.

Ditch.

Man, it's been a long time.

Boy, you got old.

She looks like a pilgrim. Is this the trial of the century or a Thanksgiving

pageant? I can't believe it. It's great to see you. Oh, to slap you silly, you

yellow -bellied punk.

Can I have my sandwich now?

Ditch, I was hoping you could give him a little encouragement.

Got you.

Sit down.

Now, what's the deal, you spineless rodeo clown?

Blondie here says you lost your nerve.

I don't know what happened, Stitch. I woke up one morning, I couldn't do it

anymore. She flopped. She flopped.

Do you mind?

You know what your problem is, Jim?

Jeff. Jeff, you forgot why you became a stuntman in the first

place.

Well, I like... Like being in show business.

You know, traveling, excitement.

Nookie.

World -class Hollywood nookie.

Okay, Stitch, loop's on.

Hold on, Angel. I'm making a point here.

He's got my attention.

We both know that women go for men who take risks, face death.

Yeah, I know that.

But what do you do about the fear?

You want to know what fear is?

Fear is... trying to pick up Jane Russell at the Brown Derby and having to

her you're an accountant.

You did Jane Russell?

Well, hell yeah, and I had a broken collarbone.

Wow.

You've got to make a choice.

Either you conquer that fear or never score the choice. Good as again.

Well, time to go to work.

Thanks, Fitz.

I can't believe it.

That's all it took to get him to go back to stunt work, the macho fantasy about

what women want?

Well, why'd you sleep with him?

His brain.

He makes a solid argument, darling.

What's that?

Divorce court?

Uh -huh.

Anyway.

Ira,

calm down. Listen to me.

You're just a little stuck.

It happens to all writers.

Oh, come on. Don't be silly. You're not going to quit writing and become a

farmer. I'll tell you why not.

Everyone knows writers get all the choice Hollywood nookie.

Okay. Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe.

Of course I'm right.

Goodbye.

He bought it?

I'm going to type him before I put the phone down.

Mom, the test started again.

I almost missed all of it yesterday. I have a complete set of transcripts in

case you want to catch up.

Even the pretrial hearing?

Did I say complete?

Is there anything you could watch that panders more to the lowest, most venal

instincts of our society?

Wheel of Fortune, but it's been preempted.

Jeez, what now?

Ernest Hemingway and every good -looking woman in Key West.

Excuse me?

Yes, this is Sybil Sheridan.

Oh, no.

Well, he has had some problems lately.

Okay, I'll be right there.

and shoot him off.

Peter, how long have you been up there? Oh, I'd say for about $30 ,000.

I heard him on your say -so, Sybil. I heard about the dwarf incident.

I'm really sorry about this. I'll go talk to him. Thank you.

Oh, I read your script.

The sassy waitress part, have you cast that yet?

Go.

As long as we're waiting, could you put the trial on?

Excuse me, can I try?

Why not?

Daddy, it's me, Rachel.

I just wanted you to know that I love you very much.

We all love you very much. Now please, jump off the building!

Hey, Sib.

How long are you planning on standing out there?

Oh, I don't know, a week or two tops.

Aren't you worried about not scoring the choice goodies?

Not at this particular moment, no.

You know, Sib, I was thinking, if you do a job long enough, you sort of become

the job.

But when you can't do the job anymore...

What exactly are you then?

Jeff, listen to me.

You are not your job.

Even if you did nothing for a living, you'd be a wonderful, valuable person.

And I know you. If you don't make this jump, you're going to hate yourself. You

need to do this.

But I can't.

It's always about you, isn't it?

What? I opened my home to you. I let you live over in my garage.

I ask you to jump off one little building and you can't be bothered.

Did you ever once think about my feelings?

No, you just sit on my couch and sponge, sponge, sponge.

Sybil, this is not a good time.

You eat my food, drink my beer, sneak your dirty shorts into my hamper like I

don't notice.

The worst part of it is, every time I turn around, there you are.

I see more of you now than when we were married. Oh, jeez, don't start.

And speaking of when we were married, did you ever wash a dish?

Did you ever cook a meal, change a diaper? No!

You're too selfish.

You're even selfish in bed.

Not once in four years of marriage did you have the decency to slow down and

wait. That's it. Goodbye.

Hey, you guys, look here. I'm not done yet.

I did it.

Yes.

Thanks, Sim.

Perfect.

Did you get that?

Where the hell is everybody?

Watching them cross -examine the maid.

They made you jump twice.

Yeah, you really nailed it the first time, Jeff.

And almost nailed it a second time.

I'm not talking to you.

Another three feet to the left and you wouldn't be talking to anybody.

You know, Sib, I was wondering.

When you called me a selfish lover, you were just trying to make me jump, right?

Oh, yeah, you thought right through me. You bet. Made it up.

Here's what I was wondering.

When exactly are you moving out, Jeff?

As soon as the neck brace comes off, I'm back to work. And when is that? All

together now.

A week or two tops.