Original subtitles

-Where'd you guys find this stuff? -Reenactors gave them to us.

Thankfully, most reenactors are fat as shit, you know.

-Yeah, I guess they have to be. -Yeah.

What's this? You were supposed to be a British soldier.

No, uh, I'm an American soldier.

No, you're someone specific.

Holy fuck, you think you're Mel Gibson from The Patriot?

-I don't know what you're talking about. -We can skip this.

I know you had this argument with me in your shower this morning.

You think you look like sexy Mel Gibson.

There's a lot of overlap between our characters.

Oh God.

On his own, no one to help, saves everybody.

You think you're George Washington. That's crazy!

Talk about overlap. Fuckin' tall, jacked,

Christian, genius.

-Okay. -You took a selfie in that, didn't you?

I took a selfie too.

-You look good! -You look good.

-Thank you. -No, I'm kidding.

You look like fuckin' Eddie Munster.

-I don't know who Eddie Munster is. -Look it up. He's handsome.

Shane, you don't like to admit that, from certain angles, 'cause I have…

Shit.

You look more like him than I thought.

I don't think Jews fought in the Revolutionary War.

I think they were too busy selling guns to both sides.

Okay, that's anti-Semitic.

It is. I'm fuckin' George Washington. I'm racist as fuck.

Sorry, delivery.

Oh, thank you.

-One tire? Where's the rest? -That's it. Account is frozen.

What? Pete Seidel?

-Fuck, that was terrible. -I know. Our account's frozen.

No. I'm saying that guy's gonna think I'm a fuckin' racist now.

Well, Shane, let that be a lesson to stop talking about Jews all the time.

You'd love that. You wish people would forget.

This is embarrassing. I'm going to quit.

Don't be dramatic. You're not gonna quit.

Dave, do you know why True Thread's freezing our account?

-What? -Pete Seidel said our account's frozen.

Oh. If it's Pete, we're fine. We probably missed a payment or something.

Doesn't matter, Will, anyway. Nothing matters.

I mean, life is a farce.

Barb filed for a divorce yesterday.

Oh shit. That's extremely predictable, given your actions, but--

I had it all, Will.

I was a king amongst you, and you were nothing but a peasant.

This place depended on me.

But I allowed my hubris

to devour my life. It became hungry, and I fed it.

Every little piece of pussy outside my marriage…

Ah, fuck!

Thank God.

Hello there. This is a coupon for True Thread Tires at cost.

-Welcome to the reopening. -Welcome to Valley Forge.

Check it out. We got a dunk tank over there. You can dunk a fat guy.

I love the hat. This is a coupon for True Thread Tires at cost.

Yo, swagged out. I see it. Yeah, check it out. Cheapest tires.

Hello.

Hi.

Coupons for cheapest tires. Check it out. There's a petting zoo.

Not really. It's just my turtle.

There's popcorn, obviously. It's a little gross,

but there's other food that's not so bad.

What's up, big dog? Yeah. Get your face painted. Go back to work.

Let 'em know you're a psycho.

Jerome Bettis. He's kind of my best friend.

He's the only person I can trust these days.

Do you guys hate your dad?

Feel like I look like a fuckin' idiot, right?

-No. It looks incredible. -I definitely look dumb as shit then.

Oh, what the fuck?

What the fuck, indeed, sir.

You're addressing George Washington.

No, I'm George Washington.

I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir.

I am the master of all armies, George Washington, and I'm in charge.

No, it's my idea, so I'm in charge. I'm…

We can't both be George Washington. We look like assholes.

The word "asshole" did not exist in the 1700s.

You had bunghole, you had arsehole, and you had dumpling hole.

-You're making that up. -Question.

Is your mistress, Kelly, in fact still the catering wench for this affair?

Yes, my girlfriend, Kelly, is gonna cater this.

-She's 15 clicks past the king's hour. -You don't have to talk like that.

-She's late. Where the fuck is she? -Why are you being a hard-ass about it?

I'm not. I'm trying to be a good leader for the troops.

They gotta be well-fed, well-trained in case we're attacked

so that we're not… scalped by redcoats.

Your troops need to be well-fed? They need chicken fingers and hot dogs?

In their day, it was, you know, pork belly and hardtack.

-Oh, my God. -Pork belly and hardtack, sir.

-It's not that serious. -Then you should be able to handle it.

And from this day forward,

ye shall be referred to by the moniker Private Poncywig.

You like that one?

-You like that? -Right?

-You look actually gay. -You're mistaken.

Your deficient brain, due to the fact that you're an inbred knave,

has caused you to make this mistake. I bid you adieu.

If I'm inbred, you fucked your sister.

You know what?

I'm gonna tell Aunt Barb you said that, and good luck at Christmas.

Just call Kelly, find out where she is.

He looks way better than you.

Hey, Ryan. I… I know we've had our troubles in the past.

He's canceling the order.

-He's right. -What the hell, dude?

But please call me back

because I need to know why our account's frozen.

Uh, also, I know this is the second time I'm mentioning it,

but we are about to place that big tire order,

so, uh, please call me back.

-How you feeling, Will? -Good, yeah. Just handling a little issue.

Great, 'cause today's gonna be wonderful.

-Today has to be wonderful. -Yeah.

This is it. We're all in on this tires at cost.

This is our big marketing push. There's no retreat.

Well, uh, no, no. I definitely don't wanna retreat,

but sometimes it is important to stop under a tree and take a second,

pull out your map and read it the right way.

Also, I've been looking at new locations.

We are going to explode.

There's no turning back, and nothing is gonna stop us.

-Wait. Is that the band? -Yeah.

Jesus Christ, those guys are dorks!

They're gonna play dork music.

You tell them they're taking requests and they're only playing covers.

I don't wanna hear any of that crybaby horseshit

that they put on some YouTube video that never got posted.

Okay, I'll ask politely.

Fuck politely, Will.

They're dorks because their parents were polite.

You gotta be firm.

Put a boot up somebody's ass.

Okay, you got it. Firm. Boot up their ass. Requests.

What the fuck is Dave doing?

Oh, he… he… he's fine.

Looks like he's dead.

No.

Jesus Christ, I have to do everything. I'm gonna go see if Dave's dead.

Okay.

This is pathetic. We look ridiculous.

Could be worse. I heard Dave's getting a divorce.

I don't wanna get back together.

Well, then, uh…

You wanna go out?

No.

Is there no honor in the dunk tank?

Hey, what? No!

That is ridiculous!

-Hey, Mr. Washington. -Hey.

-A little late. -Oh, you run a tight ship.

Um, my coworker and I,

we had a joint before leaving work and ended up switching food,

and it was just this hilarious thing.

-Yeah? -It was just--

I don't care you're late. It's all good.

Don't worry, Kel.

I got the boxes.

Oh, look who's finally working, huh? Okay, ooh, muscle man.

-Feel that? -Shane, this is Ollie.

He's my coworker and the dead weight I carry around.

-Good to meet you, brother. -What's up, dude?

Not much. Sorry we're late. Kelly's still learning how to drive.

Stop! Stop it!

Ollie loves working with me because I'm the only woman

that comes close to you other than your mother.

-Burn! -That's hilarious.

It's sad but true.

Shane, Kelly has told me so much about you, man.

That's crazy 'cause Kelly hasn't mentioned she works with a guy

she talks to like this.

It's a costume, by the way.

Oh! Yeah. No, yeah. That makes sense.

-It's George Washington. -Right. From the nickel.

I am gonna go get the rest of the boxes.

-All right. -You need anything?

-No. All good. Later. -All right.

-I was thinking-- -That guy wants to fuck you.

-What? Ollie? -What do you mean? Yes.

No! You're being weird.

What do you mean, "being weird"? That guy definitely wants to fuck you.

No, I mean--

You're weird acting like I wouldn't know when a guy talks to a girl, you know?

I'm too high for this conversation now. I'm gonna go get the rest of the food.

He definitely wants to fuck her.

-Don't-- -Whoa! Hey. Whoa.

-Yeah, feel those guns? -Yes.

-Wait, wait, wait. Take requests? -And play covers, yes.

No.

Listen, I'm trying to be nice,

but we don't wanna hear any crybaby horseshit.

What does that mean?

I wanna know you'll play something family-friendly,

so I'm just putting in your head "Livin' On a Prayer," Beach Boys,

MC Hammer, the USA song by Miley Cyrus.

-Oh yeah. That'd be great. -Yeah.

Here's what we're really concerned about, okay, to be frank,

is that you guys

look like dorks.

We look like dorks?

You look like Eddie Munster.

Why is everybody saying… This is Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson!

We just don't want anything sad and depressing.

Dork music, you know?

I'm not trying to judge a book by its cover,

but it looks like you've been dumped quite a bit. I don't wanna hear it.

-You'll love it. -All right.

-I'm excited. Gonna be great. -Okay.

Coming at you, big boy.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

Fuck this guy.

-Look at that fuckin' guy. -You might be overthinking it.

No, I know that guy.

He tells your girlfriend she's hilarious,

so when she tells a dumb joke and you don't laugh, she thinks about him.

Yeah, the orbiter.

I've been that guy.

Don't get too close, but don't go too far away.

Eventually, the husband fucks up, she gives you a call, boom.

They are getting along pretty good. Maybe they're just friends.

No, no, no. He's the friend. She's the prey.

What is she supposed to do? Be mean to a guy she works with?

No, but she should be like, "This guy wants to fuck me,

so I shouldn't be playing grab-ass with him

while he's carrying fuckin' pigs in a blanket."

-I'll go talk to him. -What? What are you gonna say?

I'll be subtle. I'm just gonna find out if he's sexually active.

Ew, Cal.

-What? -For real. Yeah, do that.

No, no. That's a good… that's a good plan.

Yeah.

That dude definitely wants to kiss Kelly.

Shane, he's gonna fuck your girlfriend.

Shut the fuck up, Dave.

Who are you guys?

-I'm Andy Andiamo from-- -Andiamo Auto Sales.

Tommy, I'm talking here.

-Who are you? -Shane's dad.

His mother was a really big lady.

-Oh! -Oh! Okay.

Ah! Two-dollar dunk tank?

Just throw it. I don't even care.

Well, it says the money goes to charity.

Probably bullshit. Everybody here's a fuckin' liar.

God, I feel bad.

I don't wanna throw it if it's gonna make you sad.

That's really nice.

You're the first person to be that nice to me in a long time.

So sorry.

Yeah.

You gonna come back in? It's getting kinda busy.

Nah.

-You good? -Yeah, I'm good.

Jerome was just telling me it's obvious Ollie wants to have sex with you,

and I believe him.

Mm-hmm. Okay. So you're gonna believe a… a turtle?

He's got better instincts than you.

All right. You two have fun.

"She's a bitch, Shane."

Don't say that about my girlfriend, Jerome Bettis.

I would never raise a fist to you again. I'm sorry I did that.

The fuck you looking at, you fuckin' redcoat?

Kevin! What's up, man?

-Good to see you. -Yeah.

What's up, guys? Thanks for coming down.

I'm ready to die today, man.

Hell yeah, brother.

Let's go!

Hey, dude. I'm Ollie.

Oh, Cal.

You hungry?

Are you hungry?

What?

I don't know.

Okay.

Uh, well, we got chicken fingers, pigs in a blanket.

You like girls, huh?

-You got a girlfriend? -Uh, no.

I am… I'm straight, though.

Oh! No, no, me too. Me too.

Me too.

Dude, can I help you?

No.

It's just…

It's crazy.

What's crazy?

-That Shane and Kelly broke up. -Wait, just now?

Yeah.

She broke up with him.

Oh shit. That's terrible.

Is it?

-Isn't it? -I don't know, man.

Apparently, she told him she's got a thing for you.

What?

Yeah.

So you gonna… you gonna go for it?

I'm sorry, dude. Aren't you friends with Shane?

Wh… what?

Yo, man, what's with all the questions? I just came here to get some food, man.

Hey, dude, can we start or what?

Okay, relax, Elton John. Give me a sec.

-Hey, guys, what's the deal? -We need to talk, Will.

Yeah, we need to talk, Will.

I like your hat.

Thanks.

You fuckin' bitch.

Okay, in my office. Let's go.

-Hey. -Hey.

I just heard about the thing with Shane.

-You did? -Yeah. His friend Cal just told me.

-Oh, we don't have to talk about it. -No, um, we do.

He said that you broke up with Shane for me.

Wait. That's not--

I am so sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.

-That's not-- -I just want to be friends.

-Stop. That's not what-- -We should start working different shifts.

Okay.

What?

What's so hard to understand, Will?

You cannot advertise True Thread tires at cost. End of story.

Our entire marketing strategy is selling tires at cost.

If you wanna do that, you can't sell our tires.

Customers are taking your coupon and using it at TireWorld.com.

Tire World has to price match.

They're getting butt-fucked.

Unexpected butt-fuck. And that's the worst kind of butt-fucking.

The worst kind of butt-fucking.

So, what? You're just gonna come in here and surprise butt-fuck me?

Tire World's our biggest client, dumbass.

We put… so much money into this.

All of our money.

Well, you should've put a little more money into the food.

-This shit sucks. -Yeah, this shit sucks.

-Ryan! -That's right.

No more Mr. Fuckin' Nice Guy.

You know, I am really disappointed in you.

I'm disappointed in you, motherfucker.

Me? You're coming in here and destroying my entire business model!

What do you expect? He's right. You're butt-fucking us,

and I don't like to be butt-fucked. It hurts. It hurts bad.

We're in here saying "butt-fuck"? That's not us!

Ryan, who have you become?

You did this to me. You… you made me a villain.

I'm the Joker. You're Batman.

But I'm, like, the good… I'm the good guy.

What are you guys talking about?

What is wrong with you?

Did you tell your friend to tell Ollie I wanna be with him?

-No. -No?

I'm sorry. That… that was my mistake.

It was Cal. He's a dumbass.

-Then we'll go to Michelin! -Tire World spoke to Michelin.

And Continental and Nexen and Eastwood and every other distributor on the planet.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, is gonna let you advertise at cost.

All right. Well, then we're gonna have to return those tires.

Then you're looking at major restock fees.

And if you return, we're not gonna sell to you anymore.

There's gotta be something we can figure out--

Ryan, stop that soft-dick Canadian shit. You said you were gonna be tough.

Shut the fuck up.

-Hey! -Hey!

-Pete! What's up, brother? -Hey, Davey boy. What's good?

They're saying we can't sell their tires at cost anymore,

and they're not gonna give us our inventory unless we drop the ads.

What? Come on, Pete. We can discuss this.

Not this time, kemosabe.

Oh my God!

You're fucking my shit up. I work with Ollie every day.

I'm fucking your shit up? You're fucking my shit up.

You flirted with a guy in front of all my friends and my dad.

Flirted in front of you? You're crazy. I was talking to a guy.

-Touching him. You think he's funny. -I'm high. I think everything's funny.

This is… this is so fucking immature, it's crazy.

-This is immature? -Yes.

It's immature of you to act like this isn't going on.

Just admit that.

I'm not gonna admit that 'cause it's a normal thing to do

to talk to somebody.

-I guess we're at a standstill. -I guess.

All right.

Sorry. I'll fix it for you.

Bro, what the fuck did you do?

Intelligence. It's a messy business.

-What? -I'm sorry. I'll fix it.

Don't fix it, bro.

I can fix it. Don't give it up now.

-Please-- -What would Washington do?

What would George Washington do? He'd fucking have you hung.

Pete, come on, man. Don't be a dick. We can figure this out.

Hey, Dave, why don't you go home and focus on your marriage?

Hey, fuck you, Pete!

Dave's marriage is in a very sensitive spot right now.

Yeah, fuck you, Pete!

-Fuck me? -Yeah!

How about fuck you?

-Okay. -And fuck you!

-Fuck you! -Fuck you!

Don't say "fuck you" to Will, okay?

Fuck you, and you can forget about

getting any strip club trips on the company dime from me.

Like I give a shit about your C-section strip clubs

and skirt steak dinners.

Tire World bought me a gold watch.

This gold watch.

Not to mention all the blow jobs and rim jobs that I can handle.

I got the cleanest asshole in six counties.

I tried to buy you pussy. You'd always bust during the lap dance.

I told you that in confidence, asshole!

So that's it. I just gotta buy you off, then I can sell tires at cost.

Uh, no, that's illegal.

No, that's the fucking game, baby.

Tire World's got an endless bank account.

You two donkey dicks couldn't afford a dollar-store hooker.

Let me explain it to you another way. Tire World is the big fish.

You're the shit at the bottom of the fucking tank.

What are we even talking about here? Jesus Christ!

Stop the ads and discontinue the coupons,

or find yourselves another fucking line of work.

It's up to you.

Sorry, Will.

Sorry about your wife, Dave.

Thank you.

Who in the fuck are those guys?

I just bought Valley Forge. I just got into the tire industry.

Fuck this.

Let's go.

What's up, bros?

I think we're screwed.

Here's your bill. Gratuity not included.

It isn't?

I think I'm screwed.

-We're the Recess Boys. -What are you doing?

This first one's called "Corporate Pig Slop."

This goes out to Will.

One, two, three, four!

Holy shit!

♪ Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! ♪

♪ Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! ♪

♪ Fuck you! Yeah, you… ♪

You hired this band?

♪ Fuck your pig ass… ♪

-They're gonna fuck your pig ass. -Shane!

In front of all the kids.

♪ In pain we trust… ♪

I think they got the family-friendly message.

I said "Livin' On a Prayer"!

I said Beach Boys! Beach Boys!

♪ Corporate pig slop ♪

♪ Fuck you, full stop ♪

♪ Corporate pig slop ♪

♪ Fuck you, full stop ♪

♪ Corporate pig slop ♪

♪ Fuck you, full stop ♪

♪ Corporate pig slop ♪

♪ Fuck you ♪

♪ Line those pigs up ♪

♪ Wrap 'em in a blanket ♪

♪ Toss 'em in a car trunk ♪

♪ Or shove 'em in a casket ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Gonna get a pig pen ♪

♪ Poison in the water ♪

♪ Open the barnyard ♪

♪ Lead 'em to the slaughter ♪

♪ Corporate pig slop ♪

♪ Fuck you, full stop ♪